The Sunflower was a pick from the Jewish Book Club for September, just in time for the holiday of Yom Kippur which discusses forgiveness. The tag line of the title is "On the Limits and Possibilities of Forgiveness." I saw that when I ordered and picked up the book. But I did not see anything else, until I went to begin to read it. There is a banner across the cover of the book, which poses a moral question. Right there on the cover. The question is this: You are a prisoner in a concentration camp. A dying Nazi soldier asks for your forgiveness. What would you do?
So of course, any thinking person is going to try to solve this conundrum on first impression, even before starting the book. But then one sees, that there is the story - this actually happened to author Simon Wiesenthal, who eventually became a Nazi Hunter and lawyer who put the Nazi's on trial during Nuremberg. But then the next 177 pages, is a symposium's worth of 55 responders and responses. Including the Dalai Lama, Robert Coles (Harvard's author of the Spirituality of Children), a Nazi officer, and countless others. About 1/3 of the responders are Jewish, including Telushkin, both Heschels; Abraham and Suzannah, Harold Kushner (author of Why Bad things happen to Good People), and Roger Kamnetz, (the Jew and the Lotus). A Cardinal is asked to respond, as well as Dennis Praeger. It's a fascinating Symposium, and lots of emerging points of view on whether forgiveness should be given.
My first reaction did not mirror anyones around me. I said, like absolutely every single responder then and now reacted, we cannot possibly know or imagine what those circumstances must have been like, and who knows how living with that level of loss and degradation would change a response. But that my answer would be that ideally one should try to get to forgiveness. I think of this from a trauma model. That when the unforgivable happens, one shouldn't rush to forgive, but that healing and transformation only lets go for the harmed, when forgiveness and some iota of compassion comes into play. Only then does healing begin. And with our currently divisive world? Of course I am angry and frightened. But anger and grudge does not help us build the bridges we need to move forward. Only love and vision does that. I was reminded of my father on Yom Kippur, the year after Bernie Madoff wiped us all out, and 27 other people that were my fathers friends, family, clients, etc. My father whom stands for ethics, character, and integrity. We were doing Taschlich, throwing bread into the water with forgiveness and prayers. Should we forgive Madoff? That made such an impression on me that I will never forget. For who my father is. Recently, I met someone else who has kids our age, whose father in law also lost in this way with Bernie Madoff. He says his father in law never got over it. Was never the same. Mine, lives every day trying to make it a good one. That tells and shows me a lot. My friend tells me a story of her father doing what he perceives to be the "right thing" against his own benefit. She asks me if she should forgive, as her father has done. This is the question Yom Kippur asks. Not just for our thoughtful forgiveness, but what it means to forgive, and is it possible. With 32 years of working in trauma, I would say the human spirit is not only capable of it, it is the step that leads to healing. Not full forgiveness, but a something of sorts. The ability to ask the question perhaps.
Simon does not forgive. But he stays and hears the entire confessional. He does not withdraw. His presence to hear the story was a comfort of sorts, and perhaps that in itself offered healing to them both. And then he slowly walked out without looking back, and then the question stayed with him for the rest of his life. Every single one of the 55 responders, felt that was the exact right thing to do. All but one (Andre Stein) commended him for not deliberately not destroying the SS officers' image in his mother's eyes, when he visited her. He did not pain her by correcting her narration of who her son was. Most people felt that was the right thing to do, to protect her innocence. Andre Stein, who lost 62 relatives to the Holocaust felt that bystanders who proclaim their children to be "nice boys who wouldn't hurt a fly" to be unknowing collaborators who need to stand for justice, even of their own. The SS officer who offered his thoughts also felt forgiveness should not have been given, and that it weighs heavy and should, beyond the legal consequence and ramifications. But also praised the sidestepping of confronting the officer's mother with the truth.
Friends of ours suggested that a true confessional must be meant, and backed up by action. It cannot just be some words. There has to be a level of recompense. I am reminded of when Derek Black (KKK intended heir to the throne) left Stormfront and the White Supremacy movement, his girlfriend said - it is not enough to leave. You must do recompense, and become an activist on the other side. You cannot abdicate your responsibility to atone for the sins you were not aware were sins. He wrote a public letter to the Southern Poverty Law Center, and has been an activist for change ever since. The book itself (Rising Out of Hatred) is an example of that. Some of the responders spoke to that. What does absolution without recompense or collateral action mean? Is remorse authentic, and how would one know?
I had the thought while reading it, about how interesting it was that the Christian Religious leaders all immediately went to forgiveness, while the Jews did not. And the Buddhists spoke towards and opportunity for transformation - which was the angle I had been heading in. Something about not carrying anger for one's own health and lightness and strength as a choice. One of the Christian speakers said, "Hey, forgiveness is kind of our thing! We are all about that. That's what we do." And they each did it so respectfully of Simon's experience and the treatment of a complicated issue. I had thought about when beginning the book, about Oprah's seven part series on Belief, which highlit about 25 different cultures, and how in more than one, one could see mothers of murdered children reading Bible with the murderers. Hey, if that gives them both peace, even if the child cannot come back to life, that is something. But not something I would likely be able or inclined to do. Its a very Christian tenet. I also thought about the book Something Beautiful Happened, when a mother who lost her (non-Jewish father and son) at a needless JCC shootout, how she started an organization against religious terror of all kinds. This helped her make meaning, and bring religions together to fight against senseless violence. The idea of all of that makes sense to me. That was in line with my take.
But every one of the responders, allied with Simon's dreadful cruel experience, and gave credence to how incapable any of us are of facing these terms and making thoughtful projections of what we would do. Everyone I spoke with about the topic, and about 50 of the responders felt such atrocities could never be forgiven. And should never be. I don't disagree, I just wonder what the holding on looks like.
In any case, this was an incredibly important and worthy book to read, even without its close connection to the recent High Holiday of Yom Kippur. I am extremely grateful that the Jewish Book Club on Goodreads directed me to read it, and that I could be able to be part of the experience of thinking and feeling this question. I invite you - what do you think?