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The Queer Parent: Everything You Need to Know From Gay to Ze
This informative, funny and empowering book from the hosts of the award-winning podcast Some Families is the must-have parenting toolkit for the LGTBQ+ community, their friends, family and allies, now with an introduction by Sandi Toksvig.
LGBTQ+ people have more options than ever before when it comes to starting a family, but a lack of both focused information and mainstream representation can leave parents, prospective parents, friends and relatives in the dark.
Authors Lotte Jeffs and Stu Oakley spoke to dozens of experts and queer families, and this hugely-needed book is the product of those conversations and their own experiences of becoming parents through IUI and adoption respectively.
90% of queer parenting is just . . . parenting, but being LGBTQ+ when you’re a parent does bring with it a host of conundrums that mainstream guides – which tend to assume heterosexuality – do not address.
From adoption, surrogacy, fertility treatment and other routes to parenthood, to donors, trans parenting, how to deal with family-focused homophobia, coming out at the school gates and much more, The Queer Parent is a groundbreaking toolkit for LGBTQ+ parents, parents-to-be, and anyone looking to support their journey. It is a book that redefines the family for the modern age.
LGBTQ+ people have more options than ever before when it comes to starting a family, but a lack of both focused information and mainstream representation can leave parents, prospective parents, friends and relatives in the dark.
Authors Lotte Jeffs and Stu Oakley spoke to dozens of experts and queer families, and this hugely-needed book is the product of those conversations and their own experiences of becoming parents through IUI and adoption respectively.
90% of queer parenting is just . . . parenting, but being LGBTQ+ when you’re a parent does bring with it a host of conundrums that mainstream guides – which tend to assume heterosexuality – do not address.
From adoption, surrogacy, fertility treatment and other routes to parenthood, to donors, trans parenting, how to deal with family-focused homophobia, coming out at the school gates and much more, The Queer Parent is a groundbreaking toolkit for LGBTQ+ parents, parents-to-be, and anyone looking to support their journey. It is a book that redefines the family for the modern age.
412 pages, Kindle Edition
Published May 11, 2023
17 people are currently reading
199 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 21 of 21 reviews
May 13, 2023
Firstly - it’s amazing this book exists and is out there. Is it useful as a queer parent and will support you in your journey/lived experience? Not really. It valiantly tries to cover every subject possible with a kitchen sink mentality but doesn’t effectively cover much well, or when it heads that way the chapter grinds to a sudden halt. There’s also something of a class divide here, having listened to the previous podcast the authors presented I was aware that their economic reality is far removed from a lot of others - expect many chapters about donors, surrogacy and the related issues. The general vibe is ‘parenting isn’t much different but here’s some stuff we are cross about.’ There’s some stuff about adoption, but because the book tries to please everyone it ends up only skimming the surface.
I hope they write more and can go a bit deeper next time, as I don’t feel this book fully covers the realities of queer parenting ‘in the trenches’. Not entirely their fault, but the book is at its best when it gives space to other people and not the authors themselves.
I hope they write more and can go a bit deeper next time, as I don’t feel this book fully covers the realities of queer parenting ‘in the trenches’. Not entirely their fault, but the book is at its best when it gives space to other people and not the authors themselves.
July 8, 2023
Very comprehensive overall, although quite UK-centered and some chapters (especially the one about Fostering) are not as developed as the rest. I really enjoyed the multitude of accounts presented and the efforts to represent as many sides of the queer community as possible.
October 3, 2025
Starting our adoption journey, it was great to hear more about Stu’s adoption. However, unexpectedly the more interesting parts for me were the chapters that didn’t apply to our situation and understanding other queer journeys to parenthood.
Of course this doesn’t answer every question around queer parenting or parenting in general but getting a little insight into a lot was a good starting point to then explore some topics further.
Of course this doesn’t answer every question around queer parenting or parenting in general but getting a little insight into a lot was a good starting point to then explore some topics further.
September 21, 2024
A great resource for information on surrogacy, adoption, IVF, and support options. The guest writers covered a variety of experiences, and the legal information was shared in an easy to understand way.
It lost stars because it had some holes. The authors notably lacked knowledge based on trans people or people of colour. Also, the majority of the stories involved parents who had very young children. I would have appreciated a few more stories about queer parents who have parented teenagers, or who could talk about the long-term effects of their style of family.
Also, the book alienated me a little. The authors spent a lot of time making 'are the straights okay?' jokes. I'm trans, so I consider myself queer, but I'm straight. I'm the target audience surely, why was I the repeated butt of jokes? I get enough of that in media not aimed to support me. The constant references to RuPaul, soap operas, and other queer media also dated the publication and didn't engage me, because I haven't interacted with any of them. That's a personal gripe, but it made it fairly clear that there was a narrow target audience for the book - queer people engaged heavily in queer culture. And in my experience, that's mostly young, white lesbians, gays, and non-binary people. I don't think that's intentional, or overtly harmful, but I think it's a blindspot for two people who are in the same social circle and job.
It lost stars because it had some holes. The authors notably lacked knowledge based on trans people or people of colour. Also, the majority of the stories involved parents who had very young children. I would have appreciated a few more stories about queer parents who have parented teenagers, or who could talk about the long-term effects of their style of family.
Also, the book alienated me a little. The authors spent a lot of time making 'are the straights okay?' jokes. I'm trans, so I consider myself queer, but I'm straight. I'm the target audience surely, why was I the repeated butt of jokes? I get enough of that in media not aimed to support me. The constant references to RuPaul, soap operas, and other queer media also dated the publication and didn't engage me, because I haven't interacted with any of them. That's a personal gripe, but it made it fairly clear that there was a narrow target audience for the book - queer people engaged heavily in queer culture. And in my experience, that's mostly young, white lesbians, gays, and non-binary people. I don't think that's intentional, or overtly harmful, but I think it's a blindspot for two people who are in the same social circle and job.
June 19, 2025
I started this book because I’m a trans man going through fertility preservation having been medically transitioned for over a year and 19 at the time of starting. I needed a book to help me mentally prepare for it and to cope with the loneliness.
It was incredible. So informative with clear legal information about processes such as adoption and surrogacy and interviews with such a wide range of people. That’s children of queer parents, divorced queer parents, surrogates, trans dads (which was very helpful for me), POC queer parents and children and even the CEO of the biggest sperm bank (possibly in the world) and other organisations who have wider knowledge than just one person’s experience.
I initially thought that because of the structure of the book being a-z, with each chapter being a different letter, that there would be inevitable filler chapters where the authors couldn’t think of anything new to say but needed it for the gimmick. BUT I was wrong and actually there was substance in every chapter. It all served it’s purpose and added something new.
I also think having two authors who know lots of other queer parents and connections to make the book as rich with perspectives as possible was really good. They were the right people to write this book and it really excelled. It wasn’t even repetitive. All the sections were earned and valuable, even as someone who won’t relate to every chapter or needs it right now.
It has definitely changed my perspective on my goals of parenthood and routes to parenthood that I could take and that is a sign of a really powerful book.
It was incredible. So informative with clear legal information about processes such as adoption and surrogacy and interviews with such a wide range of people. That’s children of queer parents, divorced queer parents, surrogates, trans dads (which was very helpful for me), POC queer parents and children and even the CEO of the biggest sperm bank (possibly in the world) and other organisations who have wider knowledge than just one person’s experience.
I initially thought that because of the structure of the book being a-z, with each chapter being a different letter, that there would be inevitable filler chapters where the authors couldn’t think of anything new to say but needed it for the gimmick. BUT I was wrong and actually there was substance in every chapter. It all served it’s purpose and added something new.
I also think having two authors who know lots of other queer parents and connections to make the book as rich with perspectives as possible was really good. They were the right people to write this book and it really excelled. It wasn’t even repetitive. All the sections were earned and valuable, even as someone who won’t relate to every chapter or needs it right now.
It has definitely changed my perspective on my goals of parenthood and routes to parenthood that I could take and that is a sign of a really powerful book.
July 27, 2024
As one half of an engaged lesbian couple (with a couple of ex-girlfriends myself), this book was supposed to be a key step on our fertility journey (the research stage).
Whilst I prided myself on already knowing every word in the glossary, this book truly is an INTRODUCTION to queer parenting.
For example, despite one of the authors conceiving their child through IUI, there was simply one page on this explaining it was the “turkey-baster method” and that they were successful in their first cycle. Not the level of info that many prospective lesbian parents need on timescales, cost (except that it’s expensive), NHS vs private etc.
Stu’s chapters on adoption did bust some myths but again it was a strange mix of introductions to topics but also a level of assumed knowledge.
The case studies were interesting, particularly from the children of queer parents eg from Theo Toksvig-Stewart whose perspective as the child of a lesbian celebrity was invaluable.
In summary, this book will provoke interesting questions but its broad brush approach to topics combined with the level of assumed knowledge make it unsuccessful in its aims.
Whilst I prided myself on already knowing every word in the glossary, this book truly is an INTRODUCTION to queer parenting.
For example, despite one of the authors conceiving their child through IUI, there was simply one page on this explaining it was the “turkey-baster method” and that they were successful in their first cycle. Not the level of info that many prospective lesbian parents need on timescales, cost (except that it’s expensive), NHS vs private etc.
Stu’s chapters on adoption did bust some myths but again it was a strange mix of introductions to topics but also a level of assumed knowledge.
The case studies were interesting, particularly from the children of queer parents eg from Theo Toksvig-Stewart whose perspective as the child of a lesbian celebrity was invaluable.
In summary, this book will provoke interesting questions but its broad brush approach to topics combined with the level of assumed knowledge make it unsuccessful in its aims.
June 14, 2023
I expected more from this book than I got. Yes, there was some interesting information about adoption, donors, co-parenting, and a few other things, but it mostly skimmed the surface. If they hadn't included the soundbytes from other folks, it would've been hard to get through.
My main gripe is the absolute and total lack of class acknowledgement or analysis. The closest it comes is palely mentioning the cost of IVF a few times. The authors portray childless queer folks as having nothing better to do than party and go on vacation. Who are these people....? Where are the activists? There is literally a chapter titled "V is for Vacation" that runs through a list of relatively LGBTQ+ friendly vacationing spots around the globe, with one of the authors interjecting re: places she has or hasn't been. It's tone-deaf as hell for a book aimed at marginalized people that was published *last month*.
As an aside, I suppose it's geared toward folks who have already mostly decided to parent, but nowhere is there a HINT of a nod to the future of the planet we'll be leaving to our potential kids and how that might factor into the decision. Ecological concerns are the #1 balking point for many, many of my friends thinking about kids and it feels like a massive blind spot for the authors.
As a working class queer who may or may not have kids, so little of what the book covered will be accessible or make sense for me and my partners. I might recommend it to someone who is brand new to being out as queer and thinking about parenthood, but folks already deeply connected to queer activist community aren't going to get much out of it.
My main gripe is the absolute and total lack of class acknowledgement or analysis. The closest it comes is palely mentioning the cost of IVF a few times. The authors portray childless queer folks as having nothing better to do than party and go on vacation. Who are these people....? Where are the activists? There is literally a chapter titled "V is for Vacation" that runs through a list of relatively LGBTQ+ friendly vacationing spots around the globe, with one of the authors interjecting re: places she has or hasn't been. It's tone-deaf as hell for a book aimed at marginalized people that was published *last month*.
As an aside, I suppose it's geared toward folks who have already mostly decided to parent, but nowhere is there a HINT of a nod to the future of the planet we'll be leaving to our potential kids and how that might factor into the decision. Ecological concerns are the #1 balking point for many, many of my friends thinking about kids and it feels like a massive blind spot for the authors.
As a working class queer who may or may not have kids, so little of what the book covered will be accessible or make sense for me and my partners. I might recommend it to someone who is brand new to being out as queer and thinking about parenthood, but folks already deeply connected to queer activist community aren't going to get much out of it.
January 28, 2025
This book is a lovely introduction to a variety of challenges faced by LGBTQ+ parents. I found it informative to learn about adoption, donors and surrogacy. However, like many queer resources, it felt like it was primarily focused on the 'L' and 'G' of the acronym. Sure there's a chapter 'T is for Transgender' and a scattering of other mentions of marginized genders, but it felt like the struggles of these demographics was covered in comparatively fewer pages, often feeling rushed. Nonbinary and bixseual people were barely talked about at all, and I only remember reading one paragraph from an asexual person.
It was a good read, but as a bisexual nonbinary person I was disappointed that there wasn't more in this book that addressed my own concerns about becoming a parent. It's written by a gay man and a lesbian woman so I suppose this shouldn't come as a surprise as they were speaking from their own knowledge, but it feels a little misleading to use the title they did.
It was a good read, but as a bisexual nonbinary person I was disappointed that there wasn't more in this book that addressed my own concerns about becoming a parent. It's written by a gay man and a lesbian woman so I suppose this shouldn't come as a surprise as they were speaking from their own knowledge, but it feels a little misleading to use the title they did.
February 27, 2024
This review is for the audiobook version. This book covers many areas of Queer Parenting from adoption, donours, and surrogacy, through to everyday aspects of raising children in LGBTIQA+ families. The book has a UK focus, but many aspects are universal.
The narration from the two authors Lotte Jeffs and Stu Oakley is clear, fluent, and engaging. Both authors share their own stories where relevant, and this adds a very personal touch. The narrators take turns in reading the content, and interviewing people. Queer families, medical, and legal professionals are consulted providing the book with balanced information.
A highly informative, mind opening, and compassionate book on LGBTIQA+ parenting.
The narration from the two authors Lotte Jeffs and Stu Oakley is clear, fluent, and engaging. Both authors share their own stories where relevant, and this adds a very personal touch. The narrators take turns in reading the content, and interviewing people. Queer families, medical, and legal professionals are consulted providing the book with balanced information.
A highly informative, mind opening, and compassionate book on LGBTIQA+ parenting.
May 17, 2025
The Queer Parent by Lotte Jeffs & Stu Oakley @lottejeffs @mrstuoakley
This book is everything you want to know about becoming a parent from the point of view of lgbtqia people.
This book tells you everything from adoption to genders to fostering and everything you can think of and even more that you probably haven’t. What I loved about this book was just how honest it was. Talking to real people about their experiences.
I’m non-binary and I feel very strongly about this. I loved hearing the stories about people from all different wakes of life and how their journeys went.
I would recommend this book to anyone who’s interested in having children and/or fostering/adopting. Or just a general curiosity about queer life.
This book is everything you want to know about becoming a parent from the point of view of lgbtqia people.
This book tells you everything from adoption to genders to fostering and everything you can think of and even more that you probably haven’t. What I loved about this book was just how honest it was. Talking to real people about their experiences.
I’m non-binary and I feel very strongly about this. I loved hearing the stories about people from all different wakes of life and how their journeys went.
I would recommend this book to anyone who’s interested in having children and/or fostering/adopting. Or just a general curiosity about queer life.
August 6, 2025
This book is INCREDIBLE for any queer person thinking about starting a family. I’m someone who feels far along in their identity development and is set on starting a family soon so having this affinity based resource was a really good reminder of some of the issues I may run into that my relatives didn’t. It also gives so many good tips on how to handle situations and change your thinking to best support your kids and yourself. I recommended this to all my queer friends because it also helps understand some of their trauma with bad parents and ways that we can stand up for ourselves as queer adults and protect queer kids!
January 21, 2024
1) this is the first audiobook I’ve ever listened to and I really enjoyed it. The authors authenticity was incredible and helped with the accessibility of that median.
2) the audiobook was really informative and actually allowed me to debunk so thoughts I always thought, eg. Around queer adoption. A very good listen for all!
2) the audiobook was really informative and actually allowed me to debunk so thoughts I always thought, eg. Around queer adoption. A very good listen for all!
March 31, 2024
As a gay man who is looking to become a parent, this book was definitely worth a read. Not every chapter was relevant for me so I did skip some, but those chapters that relate to my personal situation were useful. However I would say this is an “entry level" book that discusses topics without diving into too much detail and probably at times presents a more positive/unrealistic perspective.
June 23, 2023
I really liked reading the stories of many kinds of family. I also appreciate the legal logistics presented, although probably not that useful unless you're in the UK.
March 21, 2024
Full of warmth, joyfulness and the tiny triumphs of parenthood.
April 3, 2024
Caddyshack three word review:
Inspiring, supportive & emotive
Inspiring, supportive & emotive
May 5, 2025
love love love
February 21, 2024
A great resource, filling a much needed void. A little too chatty for my liking though.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
December 30, 2025
It's a fun introduction to the subject and the authors did a great job including many different voices and perspectives (an obvious disclaimer is that the book is very UK/US-centric). But it felt like going down the rabbit hole of covering the entire alphabet made them lose focus now and then. Some topics, especially surrogacy, deserved a deeper discussion.
October 24, 2025
- for a book all about queerness, it was weirdly exclusive of trans people, and also misogynistic, e.g. stu “covering his eyes” at the mention of birth? jesus christ, i am so fucking over cis men being childish about vaginas. you can’t regulate it and hide from it at the same time. pick one.
- it’s a bit weird that in the labour section they didn’t interview anyone who had actually been in labour, right??
- using “her” to refer to any imaginary surrogate - incredibly ciscentric, which is, once again, very strange coming from a book about being queer
- unless i’m being dense, the surrogacy part confused me - “eggs from a donor and sperm from one of you” - can’t you use… your own eggs? this is INCREDIBLY assumptive that it’s just cis men using surrogates. i intend to use my own eggs and a surrogate
- and again, “both fathers”! women can use surrogates too.
- the ivf part also confused me - they talk repeatedly about how much it costs, and then afterwards, a guest mentions that it’s free for lgbtq+ people, which the main authors never mentioned??
- it’s a bit weird that in the labour section they didn’t interview anyone who had actually been in labour, right??
- using “her” to refer to any imaginary surrogate - incredibly ciscentric, which is, once again, very strange coming from a book about being queer
- unless i’m being dense, the surrogacy part confused me - “eggs from a donor and sperm from one of you” - can’t you use… your own eggs? this is INCREDIBLY assumptive that it’s just cis men using surrogates. i intend to use my own eggs and a surrogate
- and again, “both fathers”! women can use surrogates too.
- the ivf part also confused me - they talk repeatedly about how much it costs, and then afterwards, a guest mentions that it’s free for lgbtq+ people, which the main authors never mentioned??
October 29, 2023
Informative, educational, heart-wrenching and funny.
Displaying 1 - 21 of 21 reviews