No More Christian Nice Guy: When Being Nice--Instead of Good--Hurts Men, Women and Children

by Paul Coughlin, Laura Schlessinger (Foreword by)

Using humorous examples from his own life, poignant stories, and vivid examples from contemporary culture, Coughlin shows how he learned to say no to the "nice guy" syndrome and instead reflect the true biblical model of manhood.

Genres: Christian, Nonfiction, Christianity, Christian Living, Self Help, Faith, Religion

224 pages, Hardcover

First published September 1, 2005

Reviews

[Laura Jean · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm not Christian. i reviewed this for work. I was gobsmacked at how useful it was in my own life. So I might not be a Christian...or a Guy....but I guess I'm nice and passive and resentful. I heard a good bit of his advice in counseling, so it rang true. And particularly his chapter on work and his description of a CNG at work: A perfectionist who views all problems as: pervasive, permanent, and personal....WOW...just...I knew about personal...I've been working on that one. But the other two!? So, this is a good book regardless. Just so long as you can skim over the Christian centric stuff if that's not your thing. I found it particularly helpful.

His writing style is also engaging if a bit overblow for my personal tastes. But what really sells it are his own personal experiences. It takes courage to be that vulnerable in print. Kudos, Mr. Coughlin. You proved to me that you have biblical courage.

[Andy R. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Once you've read "Wild at Heart," reread it, then you are ready for this book. Seriously, this sits on my shelf right between the complete works of John Eldredge and "Why Men Hate Going to Church." If you love God but can't stand His followers you owe it to yourself to read those three books.

[John Gardner · Rating 4 out of 5]

The men in my small group recently went through this book together. Coughlin distinguishes between “nice guys” and “good guys”, contending that Jesus was the latter, and so we Christian men ought to be as well. This entails living lives that are bold and adventurous rather than passive and uninspiring. It requires finding a balance between being “wise as serpents and innocent as doves” (Matt. 10:16). After all, Jesus was the man who “opened not his mouth” (Is. 53:7) in his own defense at his trial, but he is also the man who brandished a whip to drive the moneychangers out of the temple, and who bucked the establishment of the political and religious leaders of his day. Jesus wept with emotion, got angry, loved children, worked diligently, and gave glory to His Father at all times. “Christian Nice Guys”, however, struggle to follow his example, which hurts them in their marriages, their families, and their jobs. Coughlin offers practical solutions and Biblical counsel for those struggling CNG’s and their wives.

Buy this book here .

[Thordur · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book and learned a lot. What it tells you is that a nice guy is somebody who lives in his comfort zone and avoids conflict at all costs. Jesus wasn't like that. He went out of his comfort zone constantly and never avoided any conflicts. So there is some misunderstanding here about being nice, and make everybody like you. In contrast there is the idea of the good man who does what he thinks is right, risking that somebody might not like him for it. I really did like this discussion and am afterwards thinking about it theologically as socially.

[Jeremy]

Interesting quotation here.

[Melissa (Semi Hiatus Until After the Holidays) · Rating 5 out of 5]

Warning — No More Christian Nice Guy will go against everything you thought you knew about Jesus, and will challenge your way of thinking and acting. This is an intensely thought-provoking and meaningful book written for men who are tired of being the nice guy and getting walked all over for being too passive, fearful, and mild because 'that's the way Jesus was.'

Paul Coughlin used to be a nice guy. He acted the way the church had been pushing him to act: meek, mild, and gentle. But is that the way Jesus really was when He was on earth, and is that the way Jesus is now? Coughlin challenges this caricature and looks at three issues involving male passivity: men being shamed for acting like men, a completely unbiblical portrayal of Jesus, and childhood difficulties that translate into adult troubles. Men are challenged to move past cultural views and toward the true Biblical example of Jesus. Scriptural references, practical advice, and real-life examples make this relevant and useful.

When I received this book to review, I'll admit to being skeptical. I'm a woman, what interest would I have in No More Christian Nice Guy? However, I think that any Christian woman should dive in and read it. There is priceless information about how we, as women, are part of the problem and how we can be part of the solution. I highly recommend this fascinating book. Prepare to be challenged!

[Thomas · Rating 4 out of 5]

Obviously like all books that fall into the quasi-scriptural/self-help section. It's not God-Breathed scripture, so you have to pray over it, but it is worth the read.

I congratulate the author for going out on a limb, and saying what needed to be said. He stated some pointed statements in this book, he got right down where the "Christian Nice Guy" lives, and pulled no punches. He not only challenged, but he proked! However, he is speaking out of empathy, because he once was a CNG!

His section on how Jesus' image has been twisted to be more feminine, is plain jaw droppingly shocking! I left that section with an answer to a few questions. I had always suspected that something wasn't right with how Jesus was portrayed, but it took reading this book to be able to put my finger on it.

I think he took a good attempt to show how the harmony of the sexes actually help each other, and there is no bashing of women in anyway.

I will add that while the book is chocked-full of scripture, he doesn't go into an in depth process on how the Holy Spirit, or rather the Spirit of Grace can help a man change. Don't get me wrong, he speaks of the Holy Spirit, of God and Jesus a lot, but if you want a book on the spiritual process that makes a man, it's not here.

If you think that Christianity and mansculinity are polar opposites you should read it.

[Dominic Sedillo · Rating 4 out of 5]

In a nutshell…
This book outlines the difference between being nice and being good. The book encourages the men reading the book to pursue being good the way the Lord was and points out how He wasn’t always “nice”.

The good…
This book convicted me a lot. It reminded me it was okay to be human and okay to be masculine. It spoke about the difference between masculinity and machismo.

Also, it gives Scriptural examples often.

The bad…
The book gets a bit aggressive in its message and how it is derived from the Bible. It has an intention and point but it comes on overly strong at times.

Overall…
I recommend this book to every Christian man for serious consideration. I also recommend it to women as well.

[Brandon H. · Rating 4 out of 5]

"I began to ask questions like: How come when we ask WWJD? (what would Jesus do?) we almost always assume some form of quiet, mellow response, when he often spoke and behaved in undeniably rugged ways? If Jesus said we are to be wise as serpents and innocent as doves, why have I heard countless sermons admonishing me to live in innocence—a more gentle virtue—but precious few on how to apply wisdom and shrewdness, more rough-and-tumble virtues that sometimes require conflict? How come my spiritual training compels me to answer any question asked of me, even when it’s entrapping, when Jesus only directly answered something like five questions in all four Gospels? Sometimes he didn’t even answer the question and asked a new one instead. If that were anyone else, we would label that person argumentative, divisive, and mean."- Paul Coughlin


" During a Christian writers conference a number of years ago, I spoke with an editor from a large publishing company. When I told her the premise of this book, she interrupted and said, 'My single Christian girlfriends and I say the ideal man to date has only been in church for two years. This way he still has some masculinity left.'” - Paul Coughlin

Too many within the Church today have confused being a good Christian with being sugary and nice and always gentle and accommodating, never fiery and salty. In other words, wimpy. And tragically this confusion has influenced too many pastors and the Christian men they shepherd.

Those men are the target audience of this book. It's a call to re-examine the real Jesus of the scriptures. It's a call to repentance and to action. It's a call to assertiveness. It's a call to stop hiding in fear behind a facade of niceness and passivity and to start living honestly and doing justice as Christ did. It's a call to be more Christlike - how He truly was and is.

I'm really glad I revisited it and would put it in my top 3 books on the subject of manhood.

[James · Rating 3 out of 5]

I had this on Kindle and finally got around to reading it. Paul Coughlin is a local Christian writer and runs a non-profit addressing the problem of bullies. This book was written about a decade ago and is his encouragement for Christian men to stop being so passive, and to become courageous, good and assertive.

I would say for the most part this book is great; however about 20% of the book is Coughlin's critique on how the feminist movement has eroded our understanding of what it means to be a man. He sees other root causes for the Christian Nice Guy (CNG), such as a feminized, meek and mild picture of Jesus, and how (he personally but others) have had their masculinity damaged through abuse. The advice he dispenses, about being assertive and not ruled by fear, applies to both males and females and I disagree with some of his analysis, mostly because painting the 'meek' image of Jesus as girly (or as he says in a chapter title, a bearded lady), demeans women. Passive nice ladies are not exactly praised in Scripture, where as assertive, strong women are (i.e. the bleeding woman, Mary and Martha, Jesus' mother Mary at the Wedding of Cana, the Syropoenician woman, etc). I don't blame feminists for eroding manhood, but praise them for helping women recover their strength. Coughlin does write a No More Christian Nice Girl book as well, where presumably he packages this same advice for women.

But on the level of 'advice,' I think Coughlin is spot-on. Niceness is pretty detrimental to men's lives. Passivity is a failure to be truly good and I can recognize patterns of behavior and places where I personally be more assertive. So I appreciate his message.

[Ben · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is definitely not for everyone. I'm sure that many will read this book and find it to be life-giving while others will read this book and find it to be abusive. This book felt a lot like "Wild at Heart" in that it criticizes the passive and mild Christian men in our churches and challenges them to a greater calling as men. Coughlin speaks very harshly and directly towards this problem, often blaming modern church culture for emasculating men.

I agree with most of what Coughlin says although his delivery does feel a bit harsh at times. I would see this book being very helpful for younger men who don't have strong, godly men to look up to. I would also recommend it to pastors who might struggle to get the men in their congregations to not be passive. I hope people who read this will see Coughlin's intent to call passive men to be brave and bold, and not necessarily to affirm aggressive men or approve of abusive behavior. For readers who are able to resonate with the intended audience, I would recommend reading this book.

[Lucas · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm not quite finished with this one yet, and it's been a tough slog so far. Parts of it made me very angry at Paul, since it seems like he's blaming women and the Women's Rights Movement of the 60's and 70's for a lot of what he sees is wrong with guys nowadays. And granted, what he sees is wrong really is wrong - men who are timid and meek and ever subservient, men who will not stand up for justice, men who bowl over in conflict just to avoid ruffling feathers, men who manipulate behind the scenes because they are afraid to just ask for what they want, men who are afraid to lead, men who do not respect themselves enough to oppose insult and embrace righteous confrontation.

However, his message seems a little bit off for my personal experience. I haven't gone through a lot of what he talks about in his text, but he gives a strong biblical standing for the qualities of godly masculinity, which is helpful and interesting to read.

[Anthony Hiltz · Rating 3 out of 5]

Decent book about rethinking Biblical Manhood. The author makes great statements about the sad state of manhood for most Christian men. That men are way too passive and nice when they should be bold and courageous. Some of his statements seem to be a bit over the top, but I'd say I agree with 75% of his claims. It was a decent read surely and a good reminder that Jesus surely was NOT passive.

[Richard Joya · Rating 5 out of 5]

There would have been less heartbreak in my life had I read this book earlier. Reading this book has helped me realize how trying to please people in the short run ends with me often taking a passive aggressive attitude. Rather than confront something when it is happening I would bottle things up and blow up when the last straw comes weeks or even months later. Because of that friends and even family were afraid of me. Now people are much more happy and respectful around me.
I like his reference to Dr. Kristina Hoff Sommers. I enjoy her show the Factual Feminist. I would love to see groups like the Honey Badgers interview Paul. I think it would be interesting.

Reading this has helped me realize how my clouded view of Jesus and Christianity has put myself into a box of needing to be a people pleaser. The perspective that Paul Coughlin wrote about has given me a better understanding of Jesus and his teachings. He now feels like someone who lived on Earth rather than just a character in a story.

This has also helped me understand why many of my peers would criticize Christianity but act surprised, absolutely shocked if I decide to make a stand and defend the faith. So many of them expect Christians to be pushovers. It also explains some of the reasons many of them hold such bitter views. Paul also dispels myths about what Christian men should think and not feel that I have noticed among many bitter people.

[John · Rating 3 out of 5]

The title kind of tells it all, and for those familiar with "No More Mr. Nice Guy" get the reference - why I bought this and had to see what it was about. It starts with the obvious, to show how the bible is not about "nice guys" and then goes to show how Jesus was not a "nice guy". I mean, pretty basic. And a lot of the rest is too. I got the impression that Paul Coughlin thinks he has stumbled upon something really important, as well may be, and that this is the book to tell the world. I found it rather disappointingly written, a bit too all over the place and lacking in structure. It's not that it's very bad, it is actually totally ok book in case of content if you manage to distill it out, but not all in the writing style and building a good case for each chapter. Somehow it became a slow read rather than interesting, and I lost the edge of it too often in the multitudes of jumps in references. I wonder if maybe the first edition would have been better because it seemed that this expanded edition just got sprinkled with new quotes and paragraphs all over.

[D.A. Cairns · Rating 4 out of 5]

A timely and important challenge for men

I often judge a book by how often it stops me. I mean, I'm reading and a certain word, phrase, or sentence stops me in my tracks, and causes me to ponder. I'll probably either write that bit down or copy and paste it in social media.

I did that a lot while reading No More Christian Nice Guy.

First let me say that it's a good book and I'll most likely read it again at some stage. I agreed with much of, and identified with some of what Coughlin had to say.

It sounded a little shouty and preachy in my head, and I felt the ideas weren't connected very well. It lacked a little cohesion and some of the language was over the top. On the other hand, that kind of hyperbolic language made the message entertaining and memorable.

I harbour concerns it may result in nice guys swinging too far the other way, but as the author says, God's big enough to handle that.

[Michael K. · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book to be both interesting and refreshing! Interesting, in that, it went toward a different aspect of Christianity than the norm. Paul Coughlin reminds us that we aren't always to be "nice", per se. We are to stand for the truth and for righteousness and for God's purpose & will. We were reminded by him in several points in time throughout the Bible where Jesus was quite terse, brash, brusque and to a degree rather sarcastic! This was a whole new world, in my opinion, for the Christian to find new ways to act towards others. Not that we are to be rude and obnoxious, but we are to stand our ground and we are to listen to God rather than men, and we are to show meekness in our demeanor.

[JC Walker]

Being a Nice guy has not got me where I want to go. Being Nice I have found in Christian circles leads many to believe you are trying to "earn" your salvation. Also when you donate to one ministry they sell your name to others! How do I know this? I sign up with variations of my first and last name and lo and behold I get "sister" ministries addressing me using that same variation. Going forward I have created an Envelope in Mvelopes where I will decide with the help of the Holy Spirit where funds are used. Thanks to the Trump Tax Act I can now claim Standard Deduction with IRS so little value in donating to a 501C3.

[Philip Parker · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was exactly what I needed at this time in my life. The author has a great way of challenging the reader to look at his Christian walk in a different light. I pray now that I walk with God as a Christian Good Guy and stand for what is biblical instead of what I think a Christian Man is supposed to act like. I also found it helpful to read this book as a group so I could glean from other Men. It was refreshing to share what I read and then hear a completely different take on the same thing because another man had different life experiences than me.

[Philip Brown · Rating 3 out of 5]

Paul Coughlin takes aim at an empty, ethic-less, principle-less, wimpy evangelicalism, that hides behind a veneer of "nice-ness." He believes that "Christian Nice Guys" hide here, and that their religion is motivated far more by cowardice than anything else. I think he definitely makes some good points, but occasionally goes a little far and from time to time doesn't make some necessary distinctions. I did really like how he seeks to apply these principles beyond merely "spiritual" issues, and discussed marriage, relationships, the work place etc etc.

[Evghenii · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great look at masculinity in the post-modern church. The author speaks to the reader through addressing the issues most men face and gives ideas as to how to begin the road to recovery for emasculated generation.

Great chapter on Jesus’ portrait of a man. God’s sense of humor highlighted, though further reassign suggested.

[Nderitu Pius · Rating 5 out of 5]

One if the most exciting reads this year. How Christianity has over the time come to be associated with fear is so sad. However it's good that Paul sees this and it's a great insight to this.
Let this book be a rally cry for you to get up as a Christian man and fight sin disguised as "coexisting with evil in silence" ✊✊✊

[Jacob Petrossian · Rating 4 out of 5]

I became fascinated by the ‘Nice guy’ phenomenon after reading Robert Glover’s ‘No more Mr Nice guy’.

This book is essentially the Christian focussed version of that book. At first it seemed like I was reading a sermon, but later as I progressed through the book I found it to be insightful and a good read.

[Michael · Rating 5 out of 5]

A book worth reading again. I've recommended this to friends. It is my prayer that this message spreads more in the church and men feel free to be the men God meant for them to be according to the Bible.

[John · Rating 2 out of 5]

Long and drawn out. If you want a good lesson on overcoming Nice Guy life, read Glover’s No More Mr. Nice Guy. I’ve read and re-read that book multiple times, while Coughlin’s book was a struggle to get through.

[Steve · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent Book!

This book should be required reading for every Christian man. The book is extremely well written and offers a true picture of our Savior…although Jesus was (and is) very good, He wasn’t always nice.

[Michael Guzman · Rating 4 out of 5]

There are so many weak, passive Christian Nice Guys within the church. It turns off many assertive Christian men from the church as a whole. This book can help the nice guy begin his journey from nice to good.

[Russell Vining · Rating 4 out of 5]

good perspective of how to view what society is teaching and how to respond.

[Travis · Rating 3 out of 5]

There are some good nuggets in here... But like the grocery store, It's full of a lot of stuff I just didn't need or couldn't use. But the overall theme was good.

[Robbie Cruse · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good, challenging book for the Christian guy. Makes a lot of sense. Does not give an excuse to be a jerk, like the title may seem to lean towards. It has a good balance and is easy to read.