The School of Hard Talks: How to Have Real Conversations with Your (Almost Grown) Kids

by Emily Kline

“Think you can ‘create’ the perfect child? Dream on! Then stop dreaming and start reading this book. We can’t control our kids’ life trajectories, but we can create relationships with them that are genuine, warm, and encouraging. Here’s your road map!”
—Lenore Skenazy, president of Let Grow and founder of the Free-Range Kids movement

Want to have better relationships with the teens and young adults in your life? Backed by research, this practical, engaging guide by a Harvard-trained clinical psychologist will help you connect and communicate.

A great relationship is founded on mutual respect and understanding--especially as young people grow into independence and relate to their parents in a new way. Learn how to connect with your young adult children in this practical guide using techniques that focus on not on inducing compliance but rather on respecting their thoughts and understanding their motivations.


A five-step program based on Motivational Interviewing gives parents simple take-aways to have conversations about any topic, whether it is curfews, sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll, or college applications. Each chapter includes sample scripts and concludes with practical takeaways to get parents started immediately on having better conversations—and more rewarding relationships—with their young adults.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction

176 pages, Paperback

Published April 4, 2023

Reviews

[Karel Baloun · Rating 5 out of 5]

Kline quickly establishes her credentials, as a parent, mentor, clinician, and a deeply empathic and caring human being. “ I lost count of how many times I heard someone say why didn’t anyone tell me this 10 years ago?” (p10) yes, indeed! This excellent short guide could have helped me, and would be excellent for all parents. I’m also certain that I’d be honored and grateful to have Emily as a friend.. she seems like a wonderful, fun person.

“ The most important work of parenting and adolescent is not controlling your child’s path, but rather creating a relationship of trust and mutual respect.” (p4) “ rewards and consequences can undermine adolescent sense of being understood, confident, and in control,… Triggering a power struggle and damaging the partnership goal.” (p88) they also don’t create internal motivation.

Teaches techniques of “motivational interviewing”. “The spirit of motivational interviewing is essentially this: tell me more. I believe in you. We can figure this out together.“ (p26)

“these types of contingencies makes sense in the abstract, but can backfire with older kids by escalating conflict and inhibiting communication. Ever since you took the phone, Ava won’t look you in the eye, and Michael’s gone monosyllabic, since you made the tuition threat. Now you have no idea what’s going on with either of them.“ (p28)

“ People will make truly terrible decisions just approve that they are in control.”(p33)

“The universal anxiety about the fact you can’t control anyone’s behavior, but your own. The Righting Reflex is a functional of both altruism and anxiety… Your ability to command other people is limited. This is a hard pill to swallow… To become a parent is forever to have your heart go walking Outside your body. “ (p46)

“I was probably halfway through graduate school in 27 years old before I began to recognize my own emotions.” (P48) Wow! I thought that was only ME.

“If you can’t manage your anxiety, you won’t remember any of the strategies laid out in the next few chapters until the moment to use them has passed.” (p50)

I wonder how many needy parents will take time to read even a short book, caught up in their moments, so society still needs more clinicians, in more places. But this gives me hope that a structured method towards family healing can be learned and followed.

[Laura · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good content but got repetitive.

[James · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think I heard Malcolm Gladwell say on a podcast once that books on parenting are helpful, even if you don't read them, because if you are the type of parent who picks them up, then you are the type of parent that wants to keep learning. And that makes you a better parent. Since hearing that (and actually before), I often pick up parenting books that look interesting, buy them on Kindle, or borrow them from the library. The library books sit on my shelf into the third renewal or the second overdue notice, and I return them unread. But I am a better parent for it.

But I actually read this one, and it is helpful. Kline's approach of shepherding your flockin' kids toward adulthood is to partner with them. She advocates reigning in our reflex to right the course our kids are on, but instead reflecting their words back to them, listening with empathy and curiosity, and cultivating and understanding their inner motivations. She also suggests eliciting their solutions to their problems and getting their permission before wading in with unsolicited advice. The final chapters talk about handling conflict and responding to your child's mental health crises.

This is a pretty helpful book, and as one who inhabits a helping profession, I try to communicate and listen in these ways to just about everyone, but it is a lot harder with your own kids. I still feel like it's my job as their parent to shape them, rather than honoring who they are sometimes. And so I can point to times I have done these things well, and times I really haven't. But this was a wonderful little primer of things to pay attention to as you seek to speak to your own blossoming children about things that matter.

[JournalsTLY]

"When You Listen, They Listen" !

Reading this book as a father of two grown children. Learning that losing "control" does not mean giving up. This book gives the assurance, and the skills to have non judgmental (and non angry) listening .

The book tells about the need be ready to ask open questions.
Ask questions that demonstrate care and that I'm willing to listen ; that your dad is with you in the tough adventure of growing up.

Written in an American context (our youths do not drive cars) but the call to have real conversations between parents and growing children is very relevant and applicable.

[Carolyn Fitzpatrick · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very quick read at 150 pages, not including the acknowledgements. Dr Kline provides parents with a pared down version of "motivational interviewing," a question based technique used by many therapists. There is a big focus on remaining noncommittal and asking supportive questions to help kids feel understood, in control, and confident. There are several sample dialogues between adolescents and caregivers, but not so many that it feels like the book is padded out.

The techniques in "School of Hard Knocks" work well with kids ages 12-25. A lot of the advice is consistent with that of "14 Talks By Age 14" by Michelle Icard.

[Ännä · Rating 4 out of 5]

Emily Kline uses her knowledge to advise parents of older teens and young adults how to have conversations that actually connect. She includes basic listening skills, as well as reinforcing the concept that older teens and young adults are their own people and don't need to be fixed. The book is written in an easy, relatable tone and has many practical strategies.

Thanks to Emily Kline, Sasquatch Books, and Netgalley for providing this ARC in exchange for my honest review.

[Melody · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a short, accessible book on communicating with teens that has good advice for communicating with anyone. I’ve read a lot of communication books lately for a class I’ve been teaching, and this one was great because it included actual examples of conversations and how to “shift” them with small changes. It’s much simpler and more direct than some of the other books I read, but that makes this one easy to recommend to parents.

[Angela · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5. I had read about Motivational Interviewing elsewhere & went looking for more info on it. Since I have teenagers, this seemed like a good book to try. I definitely enjoyed it and feel that it is a good resource for parents. But it's a short book and seems to simplify the motivational interviewing process. I will look elsewhere for more in-depth info. What I did like about this one were its examples of conversations and its suggestions for practicing.

[Kelly Cahill · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was very helpful and informative. There are so many ways to communicate better with my teen. I'm excited to try some of these strategies out.

[Veronica · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent.

[Rosemarie · Rating 4 out of 5]

A lot of good info in here - wish I could have it tattooed on my arm what to say to my teen.

[Brooke · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very practical, very helpful. Loved the rewritten conversations she used to demonstrate.

[Mary · Rating 4 out of 5]

very practical help on how to listen well to others and to offer advice when the conversation is mutual.

[Karen Clements · Rating 5 out of 5]

Parents of teens and young adults often wonder why their kids don’t listen to them. Shouldn’t the voice of experience count for something besides eye rolling? Dr. Emily Kline offers sage advice in this book, first considering the blunders we make that can throw a wrench in well-meant conversations, then acknowledging that some topics are just hard to talk about. She reminds parents that trying to “fix” their kids is a poor starting point for most talks. Kline then provides some great tools for initiating helpful dialogue, demonstrating how using them greatly increases constructive discussion. Kline’s concise, easygoing tone is wonderful, and I thought her tools would easily transfer to the workplace. Seriously, where was this when I had teens at home? Highly recommended.