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Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and the Coupled Up
Following a unique format perfect for today's world, the renowned author of The Dance of Anger gives us just over 100 rules that cover all the hot spots in long-term relationships.
Marriage Rules offers new solutions to age-old problems ("He won't talk"/"She doesn't want sex") as well as modern ones (your partner's relationship to technology.) You'll also learn how to:
Calm things down and warm them up
Talk straight and fight fair
Listen well as a spiritual practice
Connect with a distant partner
Survive the unique challenges of children, stepchildren and difficult- laws
Follow a 12-step program to overcome defensiveness
Know how and when to draw the line
Take back your marriage when things fall apart
Marriage Rules is a treasure chest of lively, practical advice to help you navigate your couple relationship with clarity, courage, and joyous conviction. If one person in a couple follows ten rules of his or her choice, it will generate a major, positive change. All that's required is a genuine wish for a better relationship and a willingness to practice.
Marriage Rules offers new solutions to age-old problems ("He won't talk"/"She doesn't want sex") as well as modern ones (your partner's relationship to technology.) You'll also learn how to:
Calm things down and warm them up
Talk straight and fight fair
Listen well as a spiritual practice
Connect with a distant partner
Survive the unique challenges of children, stepchildren and difficult- laws
Follow a 12-step program to overcome defensiveness
Know how and when to draw the line
Take back your marriage when things fall apart
Marriage Rules is a treasure chest of lively, practical advice to help you navigate your couple relationship with clarity, courage, and joyous conviction. If one person in a couple follows ten rules of his or her choice, it will generate a major, positive change. All that's required is a genuine wish for a better relationship and a willingness to practice.
288 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2012
283 people are currently reading
2469 people want to read
About the author
Harriet Lerner
69 books979 followersDr. Harriet Lerner, Ph.D. (Clinical Psychology, City University of New York; M.A. Educational Psychology, Columbia University Teachers College), was born and raised in Brooklyn, New York, the second of two daughters. Her parents, Archie and Rose Goldhor, were both children of Russian-Jewish immigrant parents. They were high school graduates who wanted their daughters to "be someone" at a time when women were only supposed to "find someone."
"Achievement was next to Godliness for my sister, Susan, and me." Harriet notes. "My father would talk about ‘My daughters the doctors’ while we were still in our strollers."
Growing up, Harriet and Susan spent weekends at the Brooklyn Botanical Garden, the Brooklyn Public Library and the Brooklyn Museum. "These places were free and just a subway token away."
Lerner's mother had an unwavering belief in her daughters and strong principles about how to raise children. In Harriet's words:
"Even during the hardest economic times my mother, Rose, made sure that Susan and I had four things that she believed were essential to our later success:
1. Good shoes (I don't mean stylish)
2. A firm, quality mattress
3. A top pediatrician (none other than Doctor Benjamin Spock);
4. A therapist
Unlike other parents of the day who considered therapy to be a last resort of the mentally ill, my mother thought it was a learning experience. She put me in therapy before I was three, after obtaining a health insurance policy that provided weekly therapy sessions for one dollar. I later joked that my mother would send me to a therapist if I came home from school with anything less than a B plus. I was exaggerating, but only a little bit. "
Her mother's belief in therapy undoubtedly contributed to Lerner's career choice. She decided to become a clinical psychologist before finishing kindergarten - a decision she never veered from.
EDUCATION AND CAREER
Lerner attended local public schools in Brooklyn including Midwood High School. She did her undergraduate work at the University of Wisconsin at Madison, where she majored in psychology and Indian studies. She spent her junior year studying and doing research in Delhi, India. Lerner received an M.A. in educational psychology from Teachers' College of Columbia University and a Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the City University of New York. It was there that she met and later married Steve Lerner, also a clinical psychologist.
Harriet and Steve did a pre-doctoral internship at Mt. Zion Hospital in San Francisco and moved to Topeka, Kansas in 1972 for a two-year postdoctoral training program at the Menninger Foundation, where they subsequently joined the staff.
"We always planned to move back to Berkeley or New York,” says Lerner. “But two years in Topeka turned into two decades - and then some.” She now identifies herself as a Kansan and claims to have overcome her coastal arrogance. She has grown to love the simple life (meaning she has never had to learn to parallel park) and the big open skies. After Menninger closed shop in Topeka and moved to Houston, Lerner and her husband moved to Lawrence, Kansas where they currently have a private practice. They have two sons, Matt and Ben.
Lerner is best known for her scholarly work on the psychology of women and family relationships, and for her many best-selling books. Feminism and family systems theory continue to inform her writing. She has dedicated her writing life to translating complex theory into accessible and useful prose, and has become one of our nation's most trusted and respected relationship experts.
Lerner's books have been published in more than thirty-five foreign editions. Her latest book (January 2012) is Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and the Coupled Up.
HONORS AND AWARDS (PARTIAL LISTING)
New York Distinguished Honor, National Anger Management Association
Kansas Distinguished Award for Literature
William Allen
"Achievement was next to Godliness for my sister, Susan, and me." Harriet notes. "My father would talk about ‘My daughters the doctors’ while we were still in our strollers."
Growing up, Harriet and Susan spent weekends at the Brooklyn Botanical Garden, the Brooklyn Public Library and the Brooklyn Museum. "These places were free and just a subway token away."
Lerner's mother had an unwavering belief in her daughters and strong principles about how to raise children. In Harriet's words:
"Even during the hardest economic times my mother, Rose, made sure that Susan and I had four things that she believed were essential to our later success:
1. Good shoes (I don't mean stylish)
2. A firm, quality mattress
3. A top pediatrician (none other than Doctor Benjamin Spock);
4. A therapist
Unlike other parents of the day who considered therapy to be a last resort of the mentally ill, my mother thought it was a learning experience. She put me in therapy before I was three, after obtaining a health insurance policy that provided weekly therapy sessions for one dollar. I later joked that my mother would send me to a therapist if I came home from school with anything less than a B plus. I was exaggerating, but only a little bit. "
Her mother's belief in therapy undoubtedly contributed to Lerner's career choice. She decided to become a clinical psychologist before finishing kindergarten - a decision she never veered from.
EDUCATION AND CAREER
Lerner attended local public schools in Brooklyn including Midwood High School. She did her undergraduate work at the University of Wisconsin at Madison, where she majored in psychology and Indian studies. She spent her junior year studying and doing research in Delhi, India. Lerner received an M.A. in educational psychology from Teachers' College of Columbia University and a Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the City University of New York. It was there that she met and later married Steve Lerner, also a clinical psychologist.
Harriet and Steve did a pre-doctoral internship at Mt. Zion Hospital in San Francisco and moved to Topeka, Kansas in 1972 for a two-year postdoctoral training program at the Menninger Foundation, where they subsequently joined the staff.
"We always planned to move back to Berkeley or New York,” says Lerner. “But two years in Topeka turned into two decades - and then some.” She now identifies herself as a Kansan and claims to have overcome her coastal arrogance. She has grown to love the simple life (meaning she has never had to learn to parallel park) and the big open skies. After Menninger closed shop in Topeka and moved to Houston, Lerner and her husband moved to Lawrence, Kansas where they currently have a private practice. They have two sons, Matt and Ben.
Lerner is best known for her scholarly work on the psychology of women and family relationships, and for her many best-selling books. Feminism and family systems theory continue to inform her writing. She has dedicated her writing life to translating complex theory into accessible and useful prose, and has become one of our nation's most trusted and respected relationship experts.
Lerner's books have been published in more than thirty-five foreign editions. Her latest book (January 2012) is Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and the Coupled Up.
HONORS AND AWARDS (PARTIAL LISTING)
New York Distinguished Honor, National Anger Management Association
Kansas Distinguished Award for Literature
William Allen
Ratings & Reviews
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 104 reviews
December 25, 2014
I'm a big fan of Harriet Lerner's, and was excited to hear that she had a (relatively) new book out. Harriet writes in a deceptively simple, accessible, down-to-earth manner but is solidly grounded in systems theory. As such, her advice tends to be similar to what I would recommend as a therapist rather than trite, generic, and self-helpy. I frequently recommend her books to my clients, and this one is even more user-friendly than some of her others as it's broken down into short sound bytes (106 1-2-page "marriage rules") and doesn't demand a great attention span or long swaths of reading time. I was working with a very conflicted, stressed-out couple when I got this from the library and so much of it resonated with the issues they were sharing.
One reviewer felt that the book is dated, antifeminist, and targeted at the "worried well." I guess I have my own perspective, but with the book's inclusion of lesbian couples and acknowledgement that men and women don't necessarily fall into respective distancer-pursuer roles all the time (though in my experience that's typical of what you see as a therapist, which is an honest admission even if it's a politically incorrect one), I certainly disagree with the first two criticisms.
As far as the third is concerned, it's true that many of the book's examples focus on day-to-day issues like division of labor as opposed to drug addiction and other more serious problems. Having said that, in my experience, even when I'm working with couples who are stressed out by something major, fights often focus on day-to-day issues because that's what we live in. There are other books and advice for addressing bigger, more unusual and exceptional problems like drug addiction, an ill child, etc. But this book isn't really about its examples of conflict, and to suppose that it is is a misreading in my view. This book is about systems issues like polarization and differentiation of self which are relevant no matter what is stressing a couple out.
Like most good marital advice, the tidbits in this book are far easier said than done. The book is a lot easier to read than to put into practice on a consistent basis. Though the advice may seem simple, I know both professionally and personally that following these "rules" demands a great deal of self-discipline and sacrifice, and is not always rewarding in the short-term. That being said, I do agree with this book's recommendations and feel that, while reading it in conjunction with marital therapy would probably be most helpful (a therapist can provide support and help you problem-solve as you attempt to make these changes to improve your marriage), it could work as self-help for someone who's sufficiently motivated and self-disciplined.
One reviewer felt that the book is dated, antifeminist, and targeted at the "worried well." I guess I have my own perspective, but with the book's inclusion of lesbian couples and acknowledgement that men and women don't necessarily fall into respective distancer-pursuer roles all the time (though in my experience that's typical of what you see as a therapist, which is an honest admission even if it's a politically incorrect one), I certainly disagree with the first two criticisms.
As far as the third is concerned, it's true that many of the book's examples focus on day-to-day issues like division of labor as opposed to drug addiction and other more serious problems. Having said that, in my experience, even when I'm working with couples who are stressed out by something major, fights often focus on day-to-day issues because that's what we live in. There are other books and advice for addressing bigger, more unusual and exceptional problems like drug addiction, an ill child, etc. But this book isn't really about its examples of conflict, and to suppose that it is is a misreading in my view. This book is about systems issues like polarization and differentiation of self which are relevant no matter what is stressing a couple out.
Like most good marital advice, the tidbits in this book are far easier said than done. The book is a lot easier to read than to put into practice on a consistent basis. Though the advice may seem simple, I know both professionally and personally that following these "rules" demands a great deal of self-discipline and sacrifice, and is not always rewarding in the short-term. That being said, I do agree with this book's recommendations and feel that, while reading it in conjunction with marital therapy would probably be most helpful (a therapist can provide support and help you problem-solve as you attempt to make these changes to improve your marriage), it could work as self-help for someone who's sufficiently motivated and self-disciplined.
October 9, 2012
I have never read a self-help book before. Not that I couldn't use a little help; I just don't usually turn to books when I do. And I've certainly never thought about OWNING one.
I saw this book in a bookstore, and I scoffed,"Who would ever need that book?" Then, I had a gut-check and thought, "Maybe if I'm turning up my nose at it, I am exactly who SHOULD be reading it." So, I bought it.
My marriage is wonderful. Nothing precipitated my buying this book beyond my bookstore snobbery. I have to admit, though, the book was a really great tool for self-reflection and relationship reflection. It was common sense stuff that we all should know, but she presented it in such a readable, anecdotal way, that it really resonated with me. It has forced me to look at some of my bad habits in our marriage (constantly wanting to "win," for example) and aspire to handle things better.
The format is easy to navigate, in the form of 100 "rules" that are each a 2-3-page chapter, that it's easy to skip the rules that don't apply (blended family tips, for example) and find what's apropos for any given situation. Her stories from her therapy practice were interesting and rounded out her points and her "rules" well, and her writing is friendly and clear.
I not only bought, then read, this book, but I'm also keeping it on my nightstand to pick up between novels and refresh my relationship skills. Take that, scoffing Emily!
I saw this book in a bookstore, and I scoffed,"Who would ever need that book?" Then, I had a gut-check and thought, "Maybe if I'm turning up my nose at it, I am exactly who SHOULD be reading it." So, I bought it.
My marriage is wonderful. Nothing precipitated my buying this book beyond my bookstore snobbery. I have to admit, though, the book was a really great tool for self-reflection and relationship reflection. It was common sense stuff that we all should know, but she presented it in such a readable, anecdotal way, that it really resonated with me. It has forced me to look at some of my bad habits in our marriage (constantly wanting to "win," for example) and aspire to handle things better.
The format is easy to navigate, in the form of 100 "rules" that are each a 2-3-page chapter, that it's easy to skip the rules that don't apply (blended family tips, for example) and find what's apropos for any given situation. Her stories from her therapy practice were interesting and rounded out her points and her "rules" well, and her writing is friendly and clear.
I not only bought, then read, this book, but I'm also keeping it on my nightstand to pick up between novels and refresh my relationship skills. Take that, scoffing Emily!
July 4, 2015
I was a big fan of The Dance of Anger, so was interested to read another one of Ms Lerner's books. This is a very well structured book. Easy to read and easy to learn from. Over 100 rules, with a couple of pages of information and examples on each rule. Much of it is common sense (and there's never anything wrong with refreshing yourself on common sense in my opinion) and some of it just triggers you to think a little more about how you react to certain stimuli within a relationship. There's potentially a bit of gender stereotyping, but when you write a book and decide to go with 'he' and 'she', you're always doomed a bit unless the reader takes it all as gender neutral, which I did. She suggests at the end focusing on 10 things to help your relationship, and I think most people could easily find 10 things from this list to improve on, and it may not be the things you think. The book is only a couple of hours reading, and for that it is well worth the time investment.
May 17, 2013
I don't think I've ever read a marriage manual before, but I'd seen this one recommended so many times that I thought I'd give it a go. And it's so good! Excellent, sensible, reassuring, and practical relationship advice. No personality changes required - just little suggestions for being a better partner (or not being driven too demented by your other half). I wish I'd read it years ago. (I also appreciated that it didn't only focus on heterosexual couples.)
April 24, 2012
I begin with two confessional caveats. One, Harriet Goldhor Lerner is my second cousin; we communicate by email, but have never met. Two, I am not Marriage Rules’ target audience even though my husband of 16 years and I have been in marriage counseling for two years.
In 1985, Harriet (she’s family, I can call her by her first name) took the world of women’s self-help, psychology literature by storm with the publication of Dance of Anger (Harper & Row). She followed this New York Times bestseller (over two million copies sold) with seven more titles. I loved all the “dance” books through Dance of Fear (2004), at which time I began to wonder if Harriet wasn’t treating her writing too casually by writing to an audience of like-minded friends and family.
The stated purpose of Marriage Rules is to share strategies coupled individuals can use to improve their relationships. Inspired by Michael Polan’s best-selling Food Rules, Lerner offers her readers 106 rules for better relationships, illustrated with her and her clients’ experiences in 200+ pages. Marriage Rules is a quick-reading, how-to manual. I applaud her for her commitment to and success at simplifying the complex, but I miss the richness and profundity of the dance metaphor. “Rules” doesn’t open the door to understanding relationships the way “dance” does.
Harriet’s choice of illustrative examples seems stuck in her own generational issues. Married in 1972, in a Woodstock-style wedding I didn’t get to attend, Harriet and her clients focus largely on sharing household chores (women’s work vs. men’s work) and feeling emotionally unfulfilled and unsupported. The women pursue. The men distance. The women are intense. The men cool. All of which sounds like traditional, emotional gender roles to me. So, where’s the feminism? Families of origin are the source of things “good, bad, and terrible.” Now, how do we boomers continue blaming mom and dad since we became parents ourselves? And how is it that everyone is so bent out of shape over laundry and dishes? Is this what marriages fall apart over? Really? What about serious stuff like money, health, drugs? I want to tell Harriet’s clients: If you think this is marital stress, y’all are a bunch of weenies. Talk about the worried well.
What resonated most for me in the book was the description of couples negotiating “the bottom line”—the point at which one partner refuses to tolerate the other’s behavior any longer—and the repercussions and reverberations that result from toeing that line. Although the line-toer’s roller-coaster experience with feelings of remorse and regret rang true, the example from Harriet’s marriage with Steve—in which she let dirty dishes pile up in the kitchen sink for a week before he put his foot down—well, that fell flat.
Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D. has an extraordinary wealth of knowledge, experience, and expertise in the psychology of personal relationships, which she gained during decades of great growth in the field. I would have liked to see her write another book, one that is grounded in metaphors rich enough to support more than a 1970s-oriented, quasi-feminist rule book. Take me back to the dance, please.
In 1985, Harriet (she’s family, I can call her by her first name) took the world of women’s self-help, psychology literature by storm with the publication of Dance of Anger (Harper & Row). She followed this New York Times bestseller (over two million copies sold) with seven more titles. I loved all the “dance” books through Dance of Fear (2004), at which time I began to wonder if Harriet wasn’t treating her writing too casually by writing to an audience of like-minded friends and family.
The stated purpose of Marriage Rules is to share strategies coupled individuals can use to improve their relationships. Inspired by Michael Polan’s best-selling Food Rules, Lerner offers her readers 106 rules for better relationships, illustrated with her and her clients’ experiences in 200+ pages. Marriage Rules is a quick-reading, how-to manual. I applaud her for her commitment to and success at simplifying the complex, but I miss the richness and profundity of the dance metaphor. “Rules” doesn’t open the door to understanding relationships the way “dance” does.
Harriet’s choice of illustrative examples seems stuck in her own generational issues. Married in 1972, in a Woodstock-style wedding I didn’t get to attend, Harriet and her clients focus largely on sharing household chores (women’s work vs. men’s work) and feeling emotionally unfulfilled and unsupported. The women pursue. The men distance. The women are intense. The men cool. All of which sounds like traditional, emotional gender roles to me. So, where’s the feminism? Families of origin are the source of things “good, bad, and terrible.” Now, how do we boomers continue blaming mom and dad since we became parents ourselves? And how is it that everyone is so bent out of shape over laundry and dishes? Is this what marriages fall apart over? Really? What about serious stuff like money, health, drugs? I want to tell Harriet’s clients: If you think this is marital stress, y’all are a bunch of weenies. Talk about the worried well.
What resonated most for me in the book was the description of couples negotiating “the bottom line”—the point at which one partner refuses to tolerate the other’s behavior any longer—and the repercussions and reverberations that result from toeing that line. Although the line-toer’s roller-coaster experience with feelings of remorse and regret rang true, the example from Harriet’s marriage with Steve—in which she let dirty dishes pile up in the kitchen sink for a week before he put his foot down—well, that fell flat.
Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D. has an extraordinary wealth of knowledge, experience, and expertise in the psychology of personal relationships, which she gained during decades of great growth in the field. I would have liked to see her write another book, one that is grounded in metaphors rich enough to support more than a 1970s-oriented, quasi-feminist rule book. Take me back to the dance, please.
July 25, 2023
My fiancé and I got this as an engagement gift and it was filled with the most bizarre marriage advice. For example, she suggests that if you want to minimize arguing, agree to only speak in Spanish with each other. Because you don’t know any insults in Spanish, you’ll stop fighting!
There were a couple good nuggets, but nothing new or different, and I definitely would not recommend this to a couple that actually needs help. It was fun for my fiancé and I to read together and joke about though!
There were a couple good nuggets, but nothing new or different, and I definitely would not recommend this to a couple that actually needs help. It was fun for my fiancé and I to read together and joke about though!
April 23, 2016
If you have a marriage worth saving, this book is laden with easily-digestable, invaluable advice and insight. Unfortunately, I didn't, but if I DID.... I'll keep it for the next ride!
September 10, 2015
Finished this in 2 days - it was a quick read/listen with quite a few good tips on how to communicate better with your partner! We are all victims of our tempers sometimes and i have definitely recognized myself in some of these examples! This book listed some practical ways to channel anger and frustration directed at your partner into something more helpful - i.e. instead of yelling and insulting your partner after they have done something wrong, the book will give you examples of what to say to really make them listen and pay attention to you! I found it an interesting read, even though - honestly- most of these 106 tips should be common sense to everyone! :)
June 6, 2012
Lerner has spoken to me in her other "Dance of" books, but this book seemed outdated and stuck in gender roles that don't resonate with me.
April 17, 2019
A secular approach to marriage with a lot of helpful conflict resolution insights from dealing with anger and extended family. Highly recommend. This will be used as a resource in years to come.
May 18, 2022
Yes! This book should be given to Newlyweds to plan for the rest of their lives. This is a great simple book with simple advice, easy to follow instructions/thoughts/ideas shared in therapy and from other resources on how to have a healthy marriage. This books talks a little of everything including boundaries for family of origin which is great.
July 2, 2023
read the first half in one sitting, finished the whole thing in about 24 hours. great format to get through quickly and refer back to, and great advice.
June 6, 2020
As a couples therapist, I think this book is gold. There are a lot of good couples books, but what I really like about this one is that you don’t have to have hours to sit & read. It’s great if you can read the whole book, but if you just want to turn to the chapter that applies & pick one rule to work on.
September 2, 2017
At the beginning, I loved this book. By the middle I was beginning to get concerned. By the end I was sad.
Yes, it's got very practical advice on how to actually do the general principles of good relationships. What does it actually mean to allow each other to be different? How do you argue without doing damage? What can you do (and not do) with step-children conflict? In that sense, the book is very well written. Specific without being legalistic. Challenging without being judgmental.
However, the underlying worldview behind the book slowly emerged--and it's one that has no moral standard. I'm not saying that in a melodramatic way or saying the standard is one I disagree with. I mean that literally--there is no right, wrong, better, worse. It's whatever you want. Sleeping with whoever you want? If that's what you want, go for it; just follow those bedroom rules consistently. Want to divorce? There are "rules" for doing that, too.
It seems to me to be a fundamental flaw in a book about rules to proceed without any plumb line, standard, or boundaries. It ended up being only a book on how to communicate clearly and establish shared standards. And there are better books on that topic.
Yes, it's got very practical advice on how to actually do the general principles of good relationships. What does it actually mean to allow each other to be different? How do you argue without doing damage? What can you do (and not do) with step-children conflict? In that sense, the book is very well written. Specific without being legalistic. Challenging without being judgmental.
However, the underlying worldview behind the book slowly emerged--and it's one that has no moral standard. I'm not saying that in a melodramatic way or saying the standard is one I disagree with. I mean that literally--there is no right, wrong, better, worse. It's whatever you want. Sleeping with whoever you want? If that's what you want, go for it; just follow those bedroom rules consistently. Want to divorce? There are "rules" for doing that, too.
It seems to me to be a fundamental flaw in a book about rules to proceed without any plumb line, standard, or boundaries. It ended up being only a book on how to communicate clearly and establish shared standards. And there are better books on that topic.
May 15, 2012
OK 3.5.
Basically, since I've read a lot of her other books this was kind of the short and dirty version--which in one way is nice and in one way is not. I liked the rules a lot and I thought they were good for many situations and types of people. I'll be trying some, myself.
Basically, since I've read a lot of her other books this was kind of the short and dirty version--which in one way is nice and in one way is not. I liked the rules a lot and I thought they were good for many situations and types of people. I'll be trying some, myself.
January 22, 2016
به الكثير من الأفكار الرائعة لعلاقات هادئة.
January 28, 2022
Czemu ja to sobie robie i czytam takie gunwo? XD to już po tytule widać, ze będzie źle
March 5, 2025
Rating: ★★★½
Harriet Lerner’s "Marriage Rules" offers a straightforward, guide for improving relationships through small, actionable changes. The book’s format is—short, digestible rules—makes it easy to read and apply to real-life situations. Lerner’s tone is warm yet firm, and her advice feels both practical and grounded in real-world experience.
One of the book’s strengths is its emphasis on personal accountability. Rather than focusing on changing your partner, it encourages self-reflection and behavior adjustments that can positively impact the dynamic between you. The rules are simple but powerful, addressing common marital struggles like communication breakdowns, intimacy issues, and emotional disconnection.
However, the book can feel a bit repetitive at times. While the bite-sized rules are easy to follow, some themes—like staying calm and maintaining boundaries—are revisited frequently, which might feel redundant if you’re reading straight through. Additionally, while the advice is solid, it tends to be more useful for couples dealing with everyday frustrations rather than more complex or deeply-rooted issues.
Overall, "Marriage Rules" is a helpful, practical guide for couples looking to make positive changes without feeling overwhelmed. It’s a worthwhile read if you want simple, actionable steps to improve your relationship, though it may not dive as deeply into emotional complexities as some readers might hope.
Harriet Lerner’s "Marriage Rules" offers a straightforward, guide for improving relationships through small, actionable changes. The book’s format is—short, digestible rules—makes it easy to read and apply to real-life situations. Lerner’s tone is warm yet firm, and her advice feels both practical and grounded in real-world experience.
One of the book’s strengths is its emphasis on personal accountability. Rather than focusing on changing your partner, it encourages self-reflection and behavior adjustments that can positively impact the dynamic between you. The rules are simple but powerful, addressing common marital struggles like communication breakdowns, intimacy issues, and emotional disconnection.
However, the book can feel a bit repetitive at times. While the bite-sized rules are easy to follow, some themes—like staying calm and maintaining boundaries—are revisited frequently, which might feel redundant if you’re reading straight through. Additionally, while the advice is solid, it tends to be more useful for couples dealing with everyday frustrations rather than more complex or deeply-rooted issues.
Overall, "Marriage Rules" is a helpful, practical guide for couples looking to make positive changes without feeling overwhelmed. It’s a worthwhile read if you want simple, actionable steps to improve your relationship, though it may not dive as deeply into emotional complexities as some readers might hope.
August 23, 2020
Ironic this book's strength is that you can "work on" your relationship without involving your partner at all. The author has a way of disarming any sense of self-righteous victimization the reader might be looking to have validated.
Picked this over a similar book because it has a chapter on kids and was available at my library.
Worth revisiting it periodically as the relationship evolves.
...but if you have a bias for action, just go with Rule #6: you already know what to do. "...you can close this book right now and think of three specific actions you can take to warm your partner's heart and improve things at home."
Picked this over a similar book because it has a chapter on kids and was available at my library.
Worth revisiting it periodically as the relationship evolves.
...but if you have a bias for action, just go with Rule #6: you already know what to do. "...you can close this book right now and think of three specific actions you can take to warm your partner's heart and improve things at home."
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
August 16, 2021
There are way too many rules in this book... 106 to be exact. However, the Author herself suggests only choosing a handful to focus on adopting to see improvement in your marriage. The “rules” are grouped and separated into chapters, and each rule has 2-3 pages of explanation. I did like the way the chapters were organised, examples of themes such as: criticism, fights, parenting, etc. So you can skip to a particular chapter if you have specific issues. In summary, there is nothing new here, just use commonsense, be kind to each other and don’t be afraid to make the first move to improve things.
January 24, 2023
This is a very practical book with information organized in a logical format. I appreciate how the author addresses realistic ways of approaching real-life problems. The use of real people's experiences is also helpful to see the relevance of the subject.
Some of the sections that I found most helpful were the sections that talked about establishing bottom lines for what you will and will not put up with, when to consider breaking up, learning to forgive and move on and how to get through arguments using effective communication.
As someone who recently got engaged, I feel that this is a book that will really help me in my future marriage.
Some of the sections that I found most helpful were the sections that talked about establishing bottom lines for what you will and will not put up with, when to consider breaking up, learning to forgive and move on and how to get through arguments using effective communication.
As someone who recently got engaged, I feel that this is a book that will really help me in my future marriage.
June 19, 2018
This book was recommended to me a long time ago and I wish I had picked it up then.
In addition to advice specific to how you treat your significant other, sex, and deal with kids' and families' impact on relationships, one can also glean great, bite-sized communication advice that is applicable to not just romantic relationships but other relationships as well (e.g. I would recommend it for all startup cofounders).
In addition to advice specific to how you treat your significant other, sex, and deal with kids' and families' impact on relationships, one can also glean great, bite-sized communication advice that is applicable to not just romantic relationships but other relationships as well (e.g. I would recommend it for all startup cofounders).
February 12, 2021
Като цяло е добра книга, която докосва много и различни аспекти от семейния живот. Учи ни да приемаме нещата по-лесно и да не бъдем крайни в решенията и действията си. Полезна е за моментите, в които спорим за нещо, за това да не забравяме, че не е нужно винаги да бъдем най-правите, а просто да се научим да виждаме нещата и от друга гледна точка. Препоръчвам я с оглед на това, че има хубави съвети, макар и някои неща да са леко поизстискани.
November 19, 2020
A good reference book to help navigate various issues in marriage. It’s divided into ten sections with a total of 106 rules which makes it easy to reference a particular topic like raising kids, navigating in-law relationships, and fighting. It gave me pause to think about how different things are dealt with in our relationship and how areas could be improved.
June 16, 2017
like most relationship books , a lot is common sense. but like with a lot of commonsense things - it sometimes is good to hear it.
It has over 100 rules. I'd just pay attention to where you think you need to work
It has over 100 rules. I'd just pay attention to where you think you need to work
March 18, 2020
The most insightful thing I learned from this book was to continuously encourage your partner. It was equated when how you praise a child for doing the right thing-adults need that encouragement too when they are doing what you hope for.
July 29, 2022
I always appreciate the way Harriet Lerner gives advice to solve everyday issues. With modern day self-help books, a lot of the advice can feel overwhelming and counterintuitive, not to mention the trends seem to change a lot from focusing on this or that aspect of your potentially problematic relationship, but Lerner’s ways just make sense and they stand the test of time.
September 26, 2024
This was a great way to examine how your relationship works with very concrete ways to change it. I enjoyed the real world examples, and the use of rules to get the point across. A worthwhile read for tips on how to address lingering issues or things you haven't had to address before.
May 3, 2019
I love Harriet Lerner. She counsels patience and self-evaluation and when I struggle, I come back to her work and it helps me refocus. I highly recommend this book.
December 18, 2019
Interesting
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