The Equal Parent: Why sharing the load matters

by Paul Morgan-Bentley

A myth-busting must-read about creating parenting equality for fans of Caitlin Moran, The Danish Way of Parenting and The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read. Why do mothers wake first when their baby cries at night? Why do fathers take so little time off work to bond with their newborn babies? Why are mothers never praised for being ‘hands on’? Is there a biological difference in mothers’ and fathers’ parenting instincts? Why do nurseries and schools often call mothers first when there is a problem? Why don’t we expect fathers to have a more active role in caring for their children?
As a new father and Head of Investigations at The Times, Paul Morgan-Bentley found himself lying awake in bed one night after settling his three-month-old back to sleep. With all these questions buzzing in his mind, he decided to go a mission to answer them.

Drawing on his own personal experience of fatherhood – from the utter joy and terror Paul and his husband felt caring for their newborn son, to the chemist who calls Paul ‘MummyDaddy’ and the juggle of nursery pick-ups with work deadlines, Paul delves into what it really means to share the parental load.

With a range of case studies, research from around the world, and conversations with leading scientists, The Equal Parent explores the truths behind the falsehoods about parenting roles – and why challenging these myths to achieve parenting equality will benefit all of mothers, fathers and, most importantly, our children.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction

272 pages, Kindle Edition

Published March 2, 2023

Reviews

[Hayley Gallant · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars (rounded up to 4)🌟🌟🌟🌟

**"It's not about achieving a precise 50/50 split every day. What's more important is genuinely sharing the responsibility rather than one person being in charge and directing the other, and being able to share frustrations when this isn't quite working out, rather than letting them fester."

Overall I enjoyed this book.

The biggest piece of information that I took away from this book, and will be actively using from now on in my life, is that to fully allow my husband to be an equal parent, I need to accept that the way he parents our child or takes care of our home can look different from the way that I do, and this is okay. I need to let go of control and give my husband the chance to work it out for himself. This will give him the chance to not only take on more responsibility but also to feel better about his role in our family. I also learned that my husband is very proactive as a parent and that I need to recognize that more by giving him the chance to accomplish things the way he needs to.

Very informative, and policy and statistic based, while also having personal touches.

With all that being said, what I didn't connect with was:
• It was based in the UK (I am from 🇨🇦 )
• It could have been way shorter than what it was

It was a nice change of pace from the books I have been reading, and I appreciate Netgalley for providing me with this eARC. 📚

**"...and the truth is it is not how good you are at any of this, it is about how committed you are to doing it."

[Cassie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thanks NetGalley for this audiobook ARC in exchange for an honest review. Really insightful look at modern parenting backed by data on equality in parenting.

And for anyone in book club who sees this, no this doesn’t mean I’m closer to a decision on kids sry.

[Chelsea Slater · Rating 5 out of 5]

The best parenting book I’ve read and such a good perspective! Loved it.

[Bookworm86 · Rating 5 out of 5]

BLOG TOUR REVIEW 


Review for 'The Equal Parent' by Paul Morgan-Bentley. 


Read and reviewed via NetGalley for Paul Morgan-Bentley and Thread Books. 


Publication date 2nd March 2023


This is the first book I have read by this author.  


I was originally drawn to this book by its eye catching unique cover and intriguing sounding synopsis and title. The synopsis stated that this book is a 'A myth-busting must-read about creating parenting equality for fans of Caitlin Moran, The Danish Way of Parenting and The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read.' I am a fan of Caitlin Moran so am looking forward to seeing if this lives up to this statement. I must admit I was also biased due to the publisher being Thread. I have yet to read a book published by Thread that I haven't enjoyed. Hopefully this won't be the first... Watch this space! (Written before I started reading the book).


This novel consists of an introduction, 9 chapters and an epilogue. 


I will start by saying that this isn't my usual chosen genre but I'm an eclectic reader and happy to read most books. I must say that if you are the same as me and don't normally read non fiction then don't let that put you off and pick up your copy of this great book today. This is one of those books that should be in hospitals, classrooms, play groups and absolutely anywhere and everywhere that parents and children go and it should be read by professionals in all areas of child care along with parents around the world. It is an absolute eye opener and some of the experiences Paul went through as a Dad and some of the things that were suggested to him was absolutely shocking and my jaw dropped reading them!! This book really does go to show how different mums are treated than dad's even when there is only a Dad to care for the child. 


AN ABSOLUTE MUST READ FOR ANYONE WITH CHIIDREN IN OR COMING INTO THEIR LIVES!!! 



If is a great read packed with valuable information, tasks and tips and Paul's writing and narrative skills ensures the reader that he actually cares about everything he has written about and you can hear the shock, proudness and so many other emotions he has gone through to tell his story in both his writing and voice. He gives his own experiences and tells us where he got any information and statistics from. I ended the book absolutely shocked at how much things need to change to make this world easier and better for Dad's when taking their children out. It wasn't just about Dad's though but also about working parents and one of the things I learnt in particular shocked me!! I was absolutely shocked and disgusted at how much nursery costs. I Robin and Paul were paying £348 a week for Solly to go there four days a week and if they were to send him full time it would cost £19,750 a year!!! I just don't understand how the hell anyone can justify these costs and how they expect people to live like this, particularly now with the cost of living going up. I absolutely loved the titles of each chapter which gives an insight into what the chapters contain. I am going to include these in my review as I'm sure some of them will catch your eye and maybe even intrigue you enough to pick up a copy of this fantastic read. The chapter titles are:


🚹 INTRODUCTION: YOU KNOW WHAT YOU’RE LETTING YOURSELF IN FOR, DON’T YOU?


🚹 GO HOME AND GET SOME REST PANIC AND BONDING IN THE DAYS AFTER BIRTH


🚹 WHO DOES THE NIGHTS? THE MOTHER AND FATHER INSTINCT


🚹 YOU’LL STILL GO TO THE OFFICE A BIT, RIGHT? REIMAGINING PARENTAL LEAVE


🚹 WHICH ONE OF YOU IS QUITTING? RETURNING TO WORK IN THE NURSERY YEARS


🚹 WHO IS THE REAL DAD? WHY PARENTING IS ACTIVE, NOT A GENETIC Condition (Love this one in particular!!) 


🚹 DADDY-LED WEANING! HOW NEW FATHERS CAN SHARE THE DOMESTIC LOAD


🚹 SORRY, IT’S JUST FOR MUMS WHY DADS NEED TO BE SEEN AT BABY APPOINTMENTS


🚹 BOYS DON’T WEAR PINK HOW TO STOP LIMITING WHAT OUR CHILDREN CAN BE


🚹 I HAVE TEN DADDIES! EMBRACING MODERN FAMILIES 


🚹 EPILOGUE WHEN ARE YOU HAVING ANOTHER ONE?




I read approximately half of this book on kindle and listened to approximately half on audio book. I must also give a huge congratulations to the narrator and author Paul Morgan Bentley who not only brought the storyline to life by really portraying his emotions through his voice so a HUGE congratulations Paul!! I cannot imagine that this was anywhere near an easy feat!!! I am looking forward to discovering more books read and written by yourself as you definitely have a perfect "book" voice!! I sometimes struggle to absorb the storyline through an audio book but if you are the same as me I can promise you will not have that problem with this amazing narrator!!


I absolutely have to share this quote from the book with you as I Absolutely loved it and 10000% agree with it!!!! 


" 'To say that a woman who did not give birth to a baby was not a biological mother, to me, is inaccurate because she has all these very biological responses,’she said. ‘Prolactin [a hormone usually associated with breastfeeding] can go up in an adoptive mother. Oxytocin would be changed. There are the neural changes that Feldman and others have documented in Israel now.’I am biased, but I found this rethinking of the term ‘biological parent’really beautiful. Referring to me, Hrdy said: ‘You are very biologically a father.’ "



An Eye opening and intriguing look into the world of parenting from a Dads perspective. 

 


Genres covered in this book Parenting Morals & Responsibilities, Family Health, Non Fiction, Child Care and Parenting amongst others. 


I would recommend this book to the fans of the above as well as all parents,, carers and childminders. 


275 pages/7 hours 31 minutes 


This book is just £3.99 to purchase on kindle, £8.29 in paperback and £16 for the audiobook (at time of review) via Amazon which I think is an absolute bargain for this book!!! 


Rated 5 /5 (I LOVED it ) on Goodreads, Instagram, Amazon UK and Amazon US and on over 30 Facebook pages plus my blog on Facebook. 


Feel free to add me on Goodreads or follow me on my website or Facebook for more reviews 



#TheEqualParent #PaulMorganBentley #Bookouture #Thread #NetGalley #BookReview #BlogTour #BooksOnTour #NetGalley #BookReview #BlogTour #Goodreads #Amazon #AmazonKindle #Bookstagram #Bookblogger #Audible 


@TheEqualParent @PaulMorganBentley @Bookouture @Thread @Bookworm1986 @bookworm86 @Netgalley @Goodreads @Amazon @AmazonKindle @Bookstagram @BookBlogger @Audible 



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[Ali · Rating 3 out of 5]

This caught my eye because i am a new mom. My husbands job with “great benefits” afforded him no paid paternity leave, so I’m pretty interested in government policy and business practice concerning parental leave. I found it really fascinating to hear what standard practices are in other nations, and admittedly failed to feel sympathy for some of the examples given where fathers received 3, 6, Or 12 months off work. I appreciated learning about all the research that’s been done surrounding parenting and sharing the mental load of the household. However, at times i found that the book seemed more of a personal rant than a well rounded examination of the topic.
I do think that the mentality around paternity leave specifically must change. As a SAHM who only occasionally works outside the home, I felt that this book had a major blind spot as far as addressing the families, like mine, that still go the traditional route but want to be more sensitive to sharing the load at home. For non traditional families, this may be healing, helpful, and enjoyable. For me, it left me with some unanswered questions, and was a little too loaded with the author’s emotions.

I received a free ARC in exchange for an honest review.

[Catherine Craig (Angelic Light) · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thoroughly enjoyed this real life exploration into equal parenting by Paul Morgan-Bentley. Paul also narrated the audiobook, and his voice was lovely, so it was easy to listen to him.

Paul shares his story of parenthood, as well as giving us research and case studies about parenting roles, and how we can share the parental load between both parents, where this is possible.

I found it all very fascinating, especially as I am a mother to five children. It was very nice to hear Paul's view on parenting, and to read about him and his husband's journey with their child.

I wasn't expecting this book to be so good, but I loved it! Highly recommended!

Many thanks to the author/narrator, publisher and NetGalley for a copy of this book.

[Aaron Warren · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received an early review copy of the audiobook of this via NetGalley. This review is my own, and I was not asked or pressured to give an overly positive or negative review.

First, the technical, the audiobook is very good, but the reading speed is a bit on the slower side, so I sped it up a bit to more of the speed that I enjoy from an audiobook.

Now the book:
I appreciated the position being taken by the author. The skills of parenthood are not "innate". They are learned. Further, studies have proven that early involvement is critical to creating bonds with children and for both parents to establish themselves as equal parent. Equal parenting looks like a recognition of the power of communication and helping your significant other with parenting. The book focuses largely on what a father can do to be equal. That might mean taking off work early to pick up a child, and phone calls from the school not always going to the mother. Most importantly, the concept of equal parenting helps a child develop and ensures the relationship between parents.
Points that I appreciated:
1. If we expect little from a father, they will likely meet our expectations and little more. We should expect them in the delivery room, at prenatal and postnatal appointments. More than that picking up kids from school, dropping them off, and having to leave work are all not “super dad” functions, that is just being a parent.

2. Why do we think that only a mother should stay up all night with a child, what is so important at work that a new father cannot be tired the next day at work outside the home? I was extremely guilty of this, and looking back on the younger years of my 3 kids (the youngest is 13 at the time of this writing) I missed critical time bonding and learning how to be a parent when I should have been getting in more “practice.”

3. Waking up in the middle of the night is something that can quickly shift from parent to parent, depending on who has the perceived primary responsibility. How many times have you heard the story about frustration because my “husband slept right through the baby crying” The book argues there are studies that prove once a routine is established by parents, a body and mind quickly adapt, which is why the other parent sleeps through it.

4. Government systems need to be updated for new family types and should not just have a single parent (specifically the mother) as the only caregiver tracked by the government or medical systems. Of note, the author is in the UK so your portion of the world may vary. Even issues such as surrogacy are not well structured to ensure the health and safety of children.

5. We need the media to stop portraying dads as hands-off and bumbling. These go a long way to help create a culture of equal parenting. Along with media, we

6. If you get parental leave, TAKE IT. If you supervise others, ENCOURAGE or REQUIRE them to take it (if feasible). That time is precious; you need it.

7. A new child can be a traumatic experience for the father as well. Before anyone yells at me about not giving birth, you are totally right, and the book argues this is not to take away from new birth mothers' trauma or stress. This is, however, a huge life change and can have lasting impacts on fathers as well. healthcare needs to start addressing these issues, and fathers need to step back and ask for help.

The final points that I want to praise in the book are these. It takes clear communication from parents to ensure that parenting is equal, though tasks do NOT have to be split 50/50, but can also be split via what comes naturally. It will take cultural shifts to require men to step up and take parental leave moving forward.

Identifying my personal bias in this review: I am a conservative, religious male, and this book was written by a same-sex couple man, so I had a few disagreements with the author's opinion, but he is more than fair, and it is clear his primary concern is how to be a better parent. He is the absolute right person to write this book, he has been dealing with mom versus dad questions during his entire parenting experience. I wish I had read this before my children were born so I could have a better discussion with my wife about what she needed and wanted.
I look forward to the day when men are given and expect to be more active in their children's lives. Studies continue to show that helps with the development of a young person.

Now for the negative:
1. There are a lot of solutions listed in this book that maybe a country has implemented, and it works. The argument that Government should institute more paid leave, or better subsidize child care is good, but there is no assessment of what that would look like in taxes or other forms to fund those programs. It is a minor gripe and is not the main point of the book. Instead, his book argues that especially if those programs exist, it is PROVEN to be in your family’s and child’s best interest.

2. The book spends an overly long time focusing on non-traditional family issues; see my personal views above. The author is speaking from his viewpoint. I think some of the discussions would have been as easily made with data and studies from all family perspectives and lost none of its impacts. One specific example was the story about a single trans-man parent that seemed to counter-argue with itself, that birth certificates not showing that a mother was then a father and later could choose to detransition back to a mother was confusing. Maybe the parent should explain that to their children rather than trying to get government paperwork to be updated based on the transitioning of a parent after the fact. The author's view is understandable, and this book will still be very useful to all parents, more so to those in "non-traditional" setups, which is very common.

I hope you enjoyed this review it is one of the longest ones I have written. Since I listened to the audiobook, I MAY have gotten a few of the points above slightly wrong; that could be me misremembering something. If you want to negative comment on my more traditional views, feel free, but I am not passing off this review as anything but my own opinion, and I will not respond or engage.

This book has many good things to teach and can help especially soon-to-be fathers start thinking more about how to be the parent they want to be and taking steps to accomplish that.

[Stu Cummins · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastically researched, I’d urge EVERYONE to read this important book!

This may not initially seem like a book you’d expect to see reviewed on my page, but as a father of two young daughters I jumped at the opportunity to read this. Being aware of Paul and Robin’s parenting from social media, I knew that they shared a lot of the core values I do and the same outlook on being a dad. This book is a really fascinating look at parenting in the 21st century. Morgan-Bentley has meticulously researched so many different aspects of pre ring dynamics and writes a really compelling argument about how sharing the load really is beneficial for every member of the family.

I really enjoyed the insights into his own experiences as a dad and I found so much of what is written to be completely relatable. I love how he challenges antiquated views on the father’s role. I too took a period of shared parental leave and whilst my company was very supportive of this, I remain one of only a handful of dad’s to take the opportunity. For my family, this was a decision that made both emotional and financial sense (for the period of leave I took, I was paid more not to work than my wife would have been). Despite there being a logical sense to our decision, as well as both of our strong beliefs that it would be a a wonderful binding experience for both my daughters and I, it was still met with outdated views from some parties (like, would I be limiting my career progression options!). I couldn’t have enjoyed my leave more, but it was really clear that I was the exception and not the rule in my decision to take it.

What makes The Equal Parent such an important read though, is how engaging it is and how accessibly the research and insights are expressed. I love the blend of personal memoir and factual reporting styles, which really makes examples and points vibrant with colour and the all-important human aspect. Morgan-Bentley is refreshingly honest, which brings a gravity and persuasion to his arguments. A breadth of topics are covered here, ranging from father experiences in hospital after the birth, through reimagining parental leave, right to preventing limiting our children based on traditional stereotypes and embracing modern families. What this book isn’t though, is a guide on how to parent or an author’s attempt to ram their opinion in the right way to be a dad down your throat. Morgan-Bentley never preaches his message, what he has created, is a series of impeccably thought-out ideas that could profoundly improve family dynamics.

My wife is not a big reader, yet as soon as we found out we were expecting our first daughter, she became a voracious consumer of parenting guides. She’s by far the best mum I know and she is always a fountain of knowledge on how best to look after our girls. We read The Equal Parent together and these are her thoughts:

“This is the book I wish had been around when we were first pregnant. Morgan-Bentley tackles antiquated attitudes in such a compelling and convincing way, if all prospective parents read this I think we could finally combat the damaging attitudes that do unfortunately prevail at times. I will be recommending this book to all of our friends. It feels like such an important read, especially when it can feel like as a country we are lagging far behind when it comes to equal attitudes towards parenting responsibilities. I wish that all companies, the lawmakers and the politicians would read this and start to make real changes to help parents share their responsibilities. Paul and Robin sound like the kind of dads we need to continue seeing more and more of. I’d love to meet Solly - he sounds amazing! What a lucky little boy to have two such loving and active parents.”

I’m trying not to take that as a hint that I’m not an actively “dadding” enough 😂 But I share these observations and opinions. I’d strongly urge anyone with even a passing interest in parenthood to pick this book up. It’s informative, important and totally absorbing.

[Amanda · Rating 5 out of 5]

I honestly just wanted to stand up and applaud after finishing this book. The entire experience we have had as a family since having our two children is right there in black and white and I agreed with pretty much every sentence that was written.

Obviously the author's own experiences were slightly different to mine, looking at the situation from a male perspective but there was plenty of research into other families experiences too which made the arguments and topics covered completely rounded.

We have had two different experiences of parental leave. One where I took the full responsibility, and one where we were both sharing the time spent looking after our baby. What we have come to realise is that the system just doesn't work for so many reasons, and one of those reasons is because the mother is expected to take the career break and no matter what people say, it does have an impact on your work - mentally, financially and in my case, how you are perceived by your employers after returning from maternity leave. With no family close enough to help out, and my partners salary being cancelled out by childcare costs, we were forced into out situation. But, I can hand on heart say that it was the best decision we have ever made. The arguments for this are discussed in detail in The Equal Parent, which makes this an essential read for any expectant parents, parents who already have children but are looking for confirmation of the issues most people are facing today and for all employers who really should have a full understanding of how difficult it is to navigate this time.

A fascinating account of so many different aspects of parental responsibility, I am going to recommend The Equal Parent to everyone I know!

[Katy Kelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

Factual and personal, this is erudite in its call for progress in parents’ rights society’s views.

While I’m now a co-parent, sharing residence with our two sons, how the sexes both take on roles and responsibilities continues to fascinate me, even with the early days long gone.

This was a brilliant read, and the author narrates it nicely as an audiobook, where it is easy to follow and full of personal anecdotes, interviews, facts and studies to keep the listener attentive.

The author uses his own story: of being part of a gay partnership, of using a surrogate and an egg donor to become a father, of sharing the load and working out how to balance everything. He puts this into the wider context of how others parents, how we see what being a parent is for a mother or a father, how society treats both these parents as separate entities, and even how brains change when one becomes a parent.

It was enlightening, and I’m glad to say is challenging conceptions and prejudices I think I may have possessed without realising it. My own day job requires me to be non-judgmental and I strive to rid myself of habits and incorrect learning wherever I can.

This brings in so many stories and case studies, from Malala and her father to single mums struggling on Universal Credit, dads changing nappies on toilet floors for lack of changing facilities and the thoughtless off-the-cuff comments about dads being babysitters to their own children.

One for new and expectant parents but one for everyone who might need to be part of a society that pushes for change, for equality and for the best parenting for all of our children.

With thanks to Netgalley for providing a sample audio copy.

[Abigail · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you to NetGalley and Thread Books for this ARC. It resonated deeply with me as a parent working with my partner to have an equal parenting relationship. This author has a unique experience and as someone in a hetero relationship it was one I never considered- when you are in a partnership with someone of the same sex where do either fall in the gender roles placed on parenting and what does the research say? I appreciated that the message of this was a simple one, that biologically and sociologically fathers can be equal parents and partners and children can and will thrive in many representations of parenthood and family.

I appreciated that I could still relate so much to this as a woman. Paul naturally has his own perspective but he did seek out other voices and this is well researched. I feel like sending this to all my mom friends and expecting friends to inform and support a dynamic that will be best for them and their family. I highly recommend this to anyone who rejects sexist parenting gender roles for themselves and/or for their partner. It gives me hope for a future generation of parents.

[Annie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Kind of a deep dive into parenting (in)equalities in modern life and all the ways that both partners sharing the load is best for the health and happiness of the whole family. Some of the topics: skin-to-skin contact in the newborn period; partners being allowed to stay on maternity wards; doing the night shift; parental leave; who should stay at home/cost of childcare; parenting children not related biologically/genetically to one or both parents (adoption, surrogacy, same-sex couples); and more. This was written by someone in the UK, so a lot of the discussion is focused on what type of leave, etc., is offered there. As a US reader, the idea of having a year of parental leave, some or all of it paid, and a partner getting leave also is pretty unheard of. This is also not something that affects me too much at this point since a lot of it was centered around parenting infants, but it was an interesting read and I think it could be helpful for prospective parents to get an idea of how they want their household to work. There were a few things I might have done differently given some of the information included here. 3.5 stars rounded to 4.

[Kacey/Kris · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a very good and informative book. I do think that it is geared more towards new parents. It gives you a perspective that a lot of child rearing books don’t. Even though this is not a child rearing book it does give you helpful hints on expectations that you should have when having a baby. I would recommend reading this before giving birth so you have an idea of the way the system works at the hospital and how you can create your birthing plan to suit your needs and desires. I really highly recommend this book to any upcoming new parents it’s also nice for older generations to get a synopsis of the book since all of our generational traditions are changing, and it gives you a better insight on how society is dealing with traditional changes.

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an excellent book about modern fatherhood and the importance of parenting equally. It's primarily focused on equal parenting within the United Kingdom and how various social services can both help and hinder that goal. I thought it was very interesting to get insight into another country's system and think about how that changes how father's are encouraged to be involved in their child's life. I think there is a lot applicable to anyone who wants to understand the importance of equally involved parents in the life of a child, and the author did a wonderful job of pulling in personal stories to make the research engaging.

Thanks to netgalley and the publisher for an ARC in exchange for an honest review.

[LaShanda · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book emphasizes the crucial role of collaborative parenting, where both parents provide unwavering support to each other, preventing the sole burden of responsibility from falling on one individual. The author's unique perspective as part of a two-dad family unit highlights the significance of actively engaging in your child's life and consistently supporting your co-parent. This approach nurtures the development of strong parent-child relationships and ultimately revolves around the loving and nurturing environment you create for your child.

In a time when diverse family dynamics are increasingly common, this book stands as an invaluable resource for anyone embarking on the journey of parenthood. Kudos to the author for a fantastic book!.

[Marisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a fascinating and captivating read. Not only does it go over a considerable amount of research about equal parenting, but it also covers facts and memoir about surrogacy, fostering and adoption, and so much more. Would highly recommend, especially for new parents. I read this on audio, and absolutely loved the narrator.

[Tucker · Rating 5 out of 5]

Helpful for parents in a same-gender relationship. Inclusive info for trans people. This author's experiences are himself and his husband raising an infant in the UK. I left some thoughts on Medium.

[Mindy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you to NetGalley for this advanced copy
of this audiobook. I found it fascinating and couldn’t stop listening. I am not a parent, but it was interesting to hear the different perspectives. I highly recommend!

[Jake Lipman · Rating 5 out of 5]

Powerful anecdotes, summaries of incredible studies and some thought provoking content that had me talking to my 6 month pregnant wife about it for hours. Loved the read, and am thankful for Paul's courage in writing it!