The Woman in the Mirror: How to Stop Confusing What You Look Like with Who You Are

by Cynthia M. Bulik

Many women-regardless of income, size, shape, ethnicity, and age-are uncomfortable in their own skin. We fixate on our body image and try endless diets, implants, hair extensions, and new shoes, but it's never enough. The problem is that girls and women have been socialized to mistakenly conflate body esteem and self-esteem. Body esteem refers to how you think and feel about your physical appearance: your size, shape, hair, and features. Self-esteem refers to how you think and feel about your personality, your role in relationships, your accomplishments, and your values-everything that contributes to who you are as a person.

The Woman in the Mirror goes beyond typical self-esteem books to dig deep into the origins of women's problems with body image. Psychologist Cynthia Bulik guides readers in the challenging task of disentangling self-esteem from body esteem, and taking charge of the insidious negative self-talk that started as early as when you first realized you didn't really look like a fairy princess. By reprogramming how we feel about ourselves and our bodies, we can practice healthy eating and sensible exercise, and focus on the many things we have to offer our family, community, and job. Bulik provides us the tools to reclaim our self-confidence and to respect and love who we are.

Praise for Crave:

"More than 7 million Americans struggle with binge eating disorder (BED) . . . Crave: Why You Binge Eat and How to Stop helps shed light on the problem."-O, the Oprah Magazine

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Health, Womens, Feminism

272 pages

First published December 20, 2011

About the author

Cynthia M. Bulik, Ph.D., FAED, is the Distinguished Professor of Eating Disorders at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill where she is also Professor of Nutrition in the Gillings School of Global Public Health and the Director of the UNC Eating Disorders Program. A clinical psychologist by training, Dr. Bulik has been conducting research and treating individuals with eating disorders for over two decades. She received her B.A. from the University of Notre Dame and her M.A. and Ph.D. from the University of California at Berkeley. She completed internships and post-doctoral fellowships at Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. She developed outpatient, day patient, and inpatient services for eating disorders both in New Zealand and in the United States. Her research has included treatment, laboratory, epidemiological, twin and molecular genetic studies of eating disorders and body weight regulation. She also develops innovative means of integrating technology into treatment for eating disorders and obesity. She has active research collaborations throughout the United States and in twenty countries around the world. Dr. Bulik has written over 400 scientific papers and chapters on eating disorders and is author of Eating Disorders: Detection and Treatment (Dunmore), Runaway Eating (Rodale), Crave: Why You Binge Eat and How to Stop (Walker), and Abnormal Psychology(Prentice Hall). She is a recipient of the Eating Disorders Coalition Research Award, the Academy for Eating Disorders Leadership Award for Research, the Price Family National Eating Disorders Association Research Award, Carolina Women’s Center Women’s Advocacy Award, the Women’s Leadership Council Faculty-to-Faculty Mentorship Award, the František Faltus Award, and the Academy for Eating Disorders Meehan-Hartley Advocacy Award. She is a past president of the Academy for Eating Disorders, past Vice-President of the Eating Disorders Coalition, and past Associate Editor of the International Journal of Eating Disorders. Dr. Bulik holds the first endowed professorship in eating disorders in the United States. Her academic life is balanced by being happily married with three children and a gold medalist ice dancer.

Reviews

[CM · Rating 2 out of 5]

Interesting concept, but the emphasis was more on buffering body image than distinguishing between body esteem and self esteem, which was slightly disappointing. Probably a better book for a parent, too, than for a young adult.

[Kimberly Dawn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wise, empowering words concerning awareness and avoidance of the various cultural appearance traps baiting women from girlhood to the golden years.

[Deb · Rating 5 out of 5]

*Mirror, mirror, in our minds*

Our bodies. Our selves. Somewhere along the way, the two became one. As the author describes:
"Whereas body esteem is supposed to be a minor component of self-esteem, in our society, body esteem often eclipses self-esteem and becomes the primary and sometimes only dimension on which women evaluate their self worth." (p. 2)

_The Woman in the Mirror_ offers an effective approach to start disentangling self-esteem from body esteem. The first part of this approach involves identifying and understanding the confluence of factors that contributes to women feeling badly about themselves. Part One of the book does just that with a fascinating--and often shocking--tour of how women feel about themselves and their bodies at each stage of the female lifespan, from kindergarten to the retirement community. In this part of the book, you'll also be guided through unearthing your own insidious negative self-talk and seeing the effects it has had on your attitudes, outlooks, self-esteem, accomplishments, and relationships. It becomes quite clear that "negative self-talk about appearances generalizes to negative self-talk about other areas--competence, lovability, personality, and intelligence." (p. 4)

Part Two of the book provides interventions to help you take control of—and responsibility for—your own negative self-talk. First, you'll be be provided with tools and exercises to keep track of comments, thoughts, and cues, and understand how they influence how you feel about yourself and your behaviors. With this insight, you can then challenge and revise your negative self-talk, and develop ways to turn your inner critic into your inner coach. And, change begets change—by changing your thoughts, you'll be able to change your feelings and behaviors, and ultimately your self-esteem too. After completing this part of the book “you'll be well on your way to separating your self-esteem from your body esteem and to treating yourself with the respect and admiration you deserve.” (p. 5)

This book offers a pragmatic, practical, and powerful approach to helping women with the messy-yet-rewarding task of disentangling self-esteem from body esteem. By working from the inside out, it becomes possible to (finally!) like the woman in the mirror.

[Becca · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really struggled with this book. I think it was a great topic and concept, but the author often sounded like she was on a soap box and ranting, and it was chore to read. I only stuck with it because I was really hoping, wanting, expecting to learn something useful that I can apply in my own life. I did eventually, but not until around page 200.
For a book that is supposed to help us improve our self-image and body-image, I found myself in very, very negative space as I read this. Maybe it just triggered a lot if issues within me on my own body image (lord knows there are plenty to trigger). I would have like to see a much more encouraging tone.

[Readingwilliam]

I'm just starting this book, and I already want to give it 5 out of 5 stars.

it's going to be released on Nov 20th, but she sent an advance copy to NEDA and i'm working through it to gather stats. I have it in the office if you want to see it.

I love the second part of the title--How to Stop Confusing What You Look Like for Who You Are.

[Rose · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've read quite many guides on the level of interpreting how body image plays a part in affecting one's self-esteem, sometimes overtaking it in ways that can lead to a myriad of serious conditions such as anxiety, depression, eating disorders, among others. Considering the obesity epidemic being a prevalent problem in modern American society, and the growing lack of physical activity and the obsession with weight in popular culture, I find body image and self esteem interesting topics exploring among many different groups - male and female, younger populations as well as older. It's a topic that's near and dear to my heart, and something in my respective studies and field that I've always wanted to learn more about in any capacity.

I think what interested me in "Woman in the Mirror" was the combined approach of examining body image and self-esteem as unique to a woman's life cycle, and then tackling techniques to defeat the negative perceptions and self-talk that women may have in relation to this.

Dr. Cynthia M. Bulik, a professor of Eating Disorders at the University of North Carolina School of Medicine, uses examples in her field to first paint a macroscopic portrait of a woman's life cycle, from birth to death, about how negative body image plays a role in lowering self esteem, primarily citing many external factors and life changes/perceptions that can affect one depending on where they are. I appreciated the insight on the transitions from elementary to middle school, high school to college, and then a woman's working years even to the "AARP" age. There are a lot of general examples and case studies given here to elucidate Dr. Bulik's point - some of them touching on wide stereotyping, but I think it's clear that she recognizes experience and the particular stages of life have distinct factors that can affect a woman's image of themselves.

At the end of each chapter in the first part of the book, she provides readers with interactive tables they can use to examine negative thoughts and ideas to take with them about how they view their bodies at a particular time in life. Then, in the second part of the book, she uses those ideas as prompts to introduce ways of combating negative self-talk, which I thought was a great inclusion for a self-help guide. It's perhaps my favorite part of the work because it touches directly on certain techniques to use and apply.

"Woman in the Mirror" is address to women of multiple age groups, though I think the age group that might benefit from this most would be women above the age of 20, and those that can reflect back on their experiences across a greater spectrum. That's not to say that the book can't be used for kids/young adults, but I think on that scope, the book is most useful to women who have kids in that age group, and how to approach combating negative stereotypes and unhealthy body image and eating habits.

Overall, it was an interesting and insightful read, and while it gives a general spectrum on the juxtaposition of body image and self-esteem, it bears mention that it makes you think about the societal issues and impact that comes with it, as well as how to address them in order to live a healthier, happier life.

Overall score: 4/5

Note: I received this as an ARC from NetGalley, from the publisher Bloomsbury.

[Jo · Rating 5 out of 5]

We are never good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, tall enough, then enough. If our skin is dark, we lighten it; if our hair is curly, we straighten it. We look in the mirror and say things to ourselves that we would never say to other people. We wound ourselves with our own words. Our self insults aren't just about looks, although appearance might be the number one target. Women are experiencing a self-esteem crisis. Even the ones who seem self-assured on the surface are often paralyzed by self-doubt in the privacy of their own thoughts.we doubt ourselves, undervalue ourselves, and second-guess ourselves, and much of this devaluation gets played out on the weight and physical appearance battlefield. We think if we were thinner, fitter, taller, less wrinkled, or more put together, We feel better about ourselves, the more powerful, the more lovable, and be more successful. So we try to fix what's ailing us on the inside with a diet, a nose job, implants, Botoxexpensive anti-wrinkle cream's. And new shoes. We go to great links and expense to change our bodies and dress them up to fit some external notion of what's ideal. Yet for all the diets, cosmetics, and procedures, we are no happier with her bodies ourselves.

[Barb Hansen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love this book. It takes the reader (mostly geared to women)through the stages of life and discusses how self esteem and body esteem can be impacted negatively and provides strategies to become a positive model and inner coach to change the negative images about our bodies/ourselves. It has some practical exercises that get the reader to do some self-reflection and increase awareness so changes can be made. The work of eliminating "fat talk" is difficult, necessary and on-going - but important and well worth the efforts.It would be surprising if every woman could not relate to this topic and her examples. It left me feeling more empowered and with a renewed sense of obligation to set a positive example related to body esteem. Highly recommend this book.

[Elyssa Gosling · Rating 5 out of 5]

definitely a book I believe every woman on earth should read. As a teenager of many confidence issues and self-esteem problems, I found this book intensely valuable for my everyday life. I find myself not detailing every little thing wrong with me now, and just looking at the bigger picture. I can enjoy life a little bit more each day, and I find myself using the charts and tips in the book.

[Ruth · Rating 3 out of 5]

A very high 3. This is pretty much required reading for any woman in our society.

[Katy · Rating 3 out of 5]

The average amount of thoughts a person has every day is about fifty-thousand. It's a little scary to think of how many of those thoughts - good and bad - are under our control. Too often and so easily our perceptions of what we think about ourselves when we glance at ourselves in the mirror, interact with other people, or see in the media puts our brains on automatic. How much of our daily responses to our environments, past, and relationships come from having a healthy or unhealthy outlook on ourselves? It's hard to tell.

When I was fifteen, my self image was absolutely horrible, but it's gotten better over the years. Yet as I reach 30 in three or four years, or look at myself compared to what I see on social media, I can't help feel what everyone probably does at some time: highly self-criticizing and unkind. It doesn't help that I was literally born a perfectionist, people-pleaser and has loads of anxiety especially social.

When I found The Woman in the Mirror, it was a nice revelation. The first part of the book breaks down the social and personal barriers that creates self-image and body esteem specifically with eating disorders and how critical self-judgement from toddler to adult morphs over the years. The second part of the book gives insight in how to be your own coach and talk to yourself, create fat-free zones, and stop the automatic responses our brains have in falling for rude criticisms or overly-obsessing what we think other people might think of us. Cynthia specifically makes a point to address eating disorders throughout this book, but it's also about body image, how we see ourselves in the mirror, and what to do when things trigger us to think about ourselves or play the comparison game.

Even though I had eating disorders when I was a teenager, and those type of thought patterns aren't ever truly cured, I'm not sure I quite connected with the first half of the book as the author went through the ages and how each stage (typically for women but she does bring up boys and men too) is affected by their social and personal environments in how they think about themselves. I identified much more with the second half of the book dedicated to, honestly, how to be nicer to yourself with your thoughts. Cynthia walks readers through identifying areas in your life that make you feel bad about yourself, how to prepare for moments when you might feel yourself comparing your body to someone else, or dealing with people and environments that criticize you. It was illuminating to see that some of the things I've done in the past but given up on (coaching and motivating yourself through stressful situations) doesn't make me as crazy as I thought was. And, there are tools I want to continue on with in the future.

I still think I have long way to go in terms of how judge myself, but after reading this, I'm more receptive to ideas that "HEY maybe the way you're reacting to seeing photoshopped images doesn't equate to who you are as a person". If I could, I would've given the second half of the book to a younger version of myself. I gave this a three out of five stars because I feel, as some others pointed out, a lot of the book's tone fits for parents needing assistance with identifying how their self-worth might affect their kids negatively and what to look out for, while the angle for individual women changing their body esteem is weaved throughout.

[Michelle Jerome · Rating 5 out of 5]

My #1 book

If I could give this book 10 stars I would. I am a personal trainer, yoga instructor and nutrition coach, plus I am overweight. I have seem body image and self-esteem tied together in some way in every person I have met or have had the pleasure to work with. This book, hands down, nails an issue that is often overlooked. We think, “if only I could be” “I will be happy when xyz happens” People works so hard to change the way they look only to find they still have the same problem. This book is for those who are ready to look beyond thinking how your body looks relates to how you and other people think of you. It’s time to rise above the stigmas placed on body image and embrace that each and every person on this planet is just as important, has just as many great ideas, can participate in any organization, etc, etc as the next. Skinny doesn’t equal smart and funny. Fat doesn’t mean lazy and slow. It only means we have a different way of life. If a different way of life is to be criticized I ask, when will it end? This book is a big step in ending it.

[Jillian · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought this book was interesting, and it was the first time that I had considered that my body-esteem and self-esteem were all wrapped up together. It's well-researched and not hard to move through, but nothing totally groundbreaking. I did appreciate that it paid attention to women in later life. Although I'm not at that stage myself, most books that I read do not spend time on older adults and their thoughts and feelings. I could see revisiting this book later in life. I was bummed to see that the website the author references for copies of the organizers is not still active, though.

[Bree Taylor · Rating 3 out of 5]

The first part of this book chronicles the different age and developmental stages women go through. Bulik highlights what may be typical in each stage. I found this really interesting and how the body changes and what emotions might be going through the brain in each stage.

The second part of the book goes more through how to change each behaviour pattern. I didn't find this part nearly as helpful. I wholeheartedly agreed with some of her suggestions -- and was surprised at the amount of "fat talk" that happens in society.

All in all, a good book, but not one I would highly recommend.

[Jessica · Rating 4 out of 5]

The first half of the book goes through different segments of your life and has you think back on things that were said or situations that helped shape the way you view yourself so you can work through them and change your brain. The second half has ways to change your inner voice to a positive one.

[Rita · Rating 2 out of 5]

Some good thoughts, but not an enjoyable read...tuff subject to write about i guess.

[Ashele Knight]

I’m going to DNF this book at 17%. It is not bad but, I am not vibing with it. I will finish this book by the end of the year.

[Sarebear · Rating 2 out of 5]

I bought this thinking I could gain some knowledge and tips but I found it to be boring and honestly don't remember the last few chapters.
I wish I could get my money back.

[Gayle (OutsmartYourShelf) · Rating 4 out of 5]

The author examines the problems we have today with body image, and body esteem and self-esteem, which are all too often mistaken for the same thing. The book gives some practical steps on how one can work on having a good body image and self-esteem that doesn't rely solely on our weight or our looks. Worth reading.

[GONZA · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a very important and well written book about self-esteem and weight. From childhood to middle age what is what a womans says to herself and what is better to say instead of complaying?
When can you guess about your children behviour about food and when it is time to worry.
Many questions and many answer are given in this book that is a Must read for everybody especially woman or mother.
THANKS TO NETGALLEY AND BLOMSBURY FOR THE PREVIEW

[Metsanelain · Rating 1 out of 5]

This was such a dissapointment. Maybe someone who lives in America will find this book helpful and understand herself better but for someone who isn't from America this was just dissapointing. I guess I wanted to read more about how women are viewed in different ages and deeper psychological thoughts about media's image but meh. This book is full of "do this so you will feel better". Typical self-help book.

[Diane · Rating 2 out of 5]

Interesting take on self-esteem issues. Learning to be your own coach and stop the negative talk in your head. I would have liked more personal stories and success stories of overcoming society's commercialism,ageism and sizeism? Is sizeism a word? From an early age girls are bombarded by what is considered beautiful from Barbies to makeup. The money we spend on trying to fit a mold. Crazy.

[Ashley Farrand Oland]

I recommend this book to any woman who has ever had a negative thought about herself. I never noticed how many mean things I say to myself, and how this was affecting my self- and body- esteem. I started to catch those thoughts and channel them into positive thoughts. It's really hard to change these habits, but it's so worth it!

[Margaret Heller · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was read as part of my self-help streak this summer. The first half describes how women get so mixed up about their body images, and the second half is strategies to cope. I probably didn't give it enough time or focus, but I will try at least a few of the ideas.

[Sabra · Rating 3 out of 5]

I definitely think this was written with the middle aged white middle class mom in mind. There's information, advice, stories and tools about developing a healthy body esteem. Also how to help develop and maintain it in teenage and college student daughters.

[Elaine · Rating 1 out of 5]

The title of this book promised more than it delivered. It was boring and didn't
really tell me anything I didn't already know. Disappointing!!!

[Carmen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting information...

[Catherine · Rating 2 out of 5]

I thought the first few chapters and the last couple of chapters were good. The rest was hard to get through.

[Meghan · Rating 2 out of 5]

I have read this before and thought the book was okay. I decided to read it again but I can't finish it. I lowered my previous rating.