The simple version of the story is that someone asked L. Sprague De Camp, Lin Carter and Bjorn Nyberg to complete some of Howard’s unfinished Conan stories, to rewrite some of his non-Conan stories as Conan stories and to write some whole new Conan stories or pastiches. The idea of finishing and rewriting and writing these Conan stories may or may not have been a good idea, depending on whatever stance you care to take, but getting De Camp, Carter and Nyberg to do it was a huge mistake, a very unfortunate decision.
Mainly, this is because they completely fail to capture the character as Howard created him and because none of them is able to write like Howard. In fact, based on Conan Of The Isles, it’s safe to say De Camp and Carter are, or at least were in 1968 when it was published, more or less hacks. This is very mediocre writing. I mean very mediocre. The same quality as all those countless fantasy and sci fi novels you might read and forget because the authors weren’t much good at authoring. Just have a big guy swing a sword and boink some women and kill some bad guys and make it about 150 to 200 pages and call it good.
In the introduction to this novel, De Camp says, “Although he had his faults as a writer, Howard was a natural storyteller, whose narratives are unmatched for vivid, gripping, headlong action.” True, but it seems egregiously audacious for De Camp to say anything negative about another author’s abilities as a writer. De Camp has his faults as an author including the fact that he is anything but a natural storyteller. Carter’s clearly no better or this would have been a better book.
De Camp is the author of a book called The Science Fiction Handbook, which proposes to teach budding writers how to plot, write and sell science fiction. I can just imagine:
STEP 1: Write anything about a big guy with a sword who goes on some kind of quest involving bad guys, monsters, mostly naked women and some magic.
STEP 2: Edit your writing just enough to get all the spelling and grammar more or less correct then STOP.
That’s it! You’re finished! You are an author!
It’s just bad. There is far better unpublished fan fiction out there than this. I’m having a difficult time figuring out where to begin. The way these guys describe things and explain things is either tedious or ridiculously brief. They go into huge detail about what Conan’s pal, Sigurd, is wearing not once but twice! Is it that important? Often, it’s much more information than you want with sentences like:
“As Conan heaved on the great bronze wheel in the passage below the square of the pyramid, a crack appeared in the painted plaster that covered the vertical wall of the bay in the side of the pyramid.”
WHAT?!? What the hell kind of sentence is that?
In other sections, they say, y’know, this happened then that happened and there you go. At the end, they go on and on about Conan’s journey through these tunnels and how he comes upon these lizards and escapes and frees his pals then it’s a few paragraphs summing up how the people of the city came back and killed the priests and the other priests came back and tried to kill the people but Conan and his pirates “took them in the rear and sent them fleeing again.” Being taken in the rear by Conan and a bunch of pirates would make me flee, too but, again, that’s not the point. The point is the crappy writing. Admittedly, if they had done all detail, all the time, this diabolical book would be even longer and be even more diabolical, but the point is that the writing is uneven.
Another thing that bugs me are things like this:
“Breathing hard, Conan hauled himself up to the platform and sat down on the edge with his booted feet dangling. The last hour had seen him through some of the closest calls of an adventurous life.”
I seriously doubt Conan would sit there and think, “Wow! The last hour has been crazier than all the adventures I’ve ever seen!” Characters don’t think that way and writers shouldn’t write that way. Another crap part:
“Crom, but it felt good to have a solid deck underfoot again- even a cursed strange deck like this one!”
Conan doesn’t actually say this. No one does. So, is Conan thinking this or are these guys assuming he would or what? Seriously, it’s like, suddenly, in the middle of a chapter, we’re now able to know Conan’s thoughts. It’s clumsy and it’s indicative of just this kind of mediocre writing.
Let’s see, what else bothered me…
At one point (again, during a retrospective of his career) they describe how Conan has fought snakes “over fifty feet long, with heads as big as those of horses.” Pinhead snakes? Really? He fought a bunch of fifty foot pinhead snakes? ‘Cause a horse size head on a fifty foot snake is a tiny head for such a large reptile.
In chapter 10, Conan’s crew is captured. We don’t hear from them again for the next four chapters until chapter 15. I thought that was pretty clumsy and it had a jarring effect.
Another thing that irritates me is shaky use of a words combined with use of “big words” for whatever effect. For example:
“Still, he had urged Conan to find some more wholesome way into the forbidden citadel.”
Given the context, that’s really stretching the meaning of “wholesome.” I’ll concede the usage makes sense, essentially, but it’s shaky. Then, he correctly uses the word “obdurate” (stubborn) in the same paragraph. Really? Who says “obdurate?”
You know what else bugs me? These guys calling people from Vanaheim “Vanr.” Howard himself used the term “Vanir.” Why would these clowns change it? Makes no sense.
And scuba gear? Really? Give me a break.
Boris Vallejo's cover art is beautiful, as his work tends to be, but I prefer Frazetta's images of the Cimmerian.
De Camp calls this kind of literature “escape reading,” which I like. He talks about having to suspend your disbelief in goblins and demons and stuff, but I can’t seem to suspend my disbelief in bad dialogue, characterization, plotting, etc. That’s asking too much, Mr. De Camp. I remember having a very difficult time getting through Conan Of The Isles when I first read it. Reading it again reminds me why. Bad, unrealistic, unbelievable, tired, overblown, boring writing. Truly awful. Another very good reason to be happy you can now buy the original Howard Conan stories untouched by these clowns.