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LEAPFROG: How to hold a civil conversation in an uncivil era
The aim of this little book is to get us talking again, civilly, with those with whom we disagree. Evolutionary biology is quite we are hard-wired to treat differences with suspicion. So, it is understandable that the idea of talking through conflict can feel uncomfortable, even scary.
Holding civil conversations on topics we disagree on may not come as easily as we'd like but, after spending the last five years reading what many others have said on this topic, I'm convinced that we must bring it back, and I'm certain that we can.
My premise is we can learn to manage conflict if we are willing. And, we can do it without abandoning our political or philosophical beliefs. These days, politics and religion are no longer the taboo topics they once were, for we tend to surround ourselves with those who think and vote and worship (or not) as we do. Ideological bubbles, some call them, and we live comfortably within their fixed confines. Sadly, these bubbles are getting smaller and smaller as we become increasingly disconnected from anyone who disagrees with us.
My concern about incivility is grounded in the many critical challenges we face. Political and social polarization grow each day, and the issues are often spoken of in absolute terms, with no room for creativity, imagination, or civil debate. We want to convert each other and if we can't, we hunker down with those who agree with us.
This type of disconnection is tearing my country apart. Suicide rates have never been higher; depression and addiction are at epidemic levels. ... As important as political conversations currently are, these principles can be applied to any conversation you deem difficult, from marital disagreements and parent-teen clashes to neighborhood standoffs or workplace disputes. And so, perhaps a more inclusive subtitle would have been How to hold a difficult conversation at a difficult time.
The first four concepts in LEAPFROG — listening, empathy, assessment, and perspective — help us as we listen to the other person. The final four — facts (forget them for now), respect, observation, and gratitude — guide us as we present our ideas in a way that will increase the likelihood that we will be heard. Yes, it’s all about listening and being heard. And, as my friends in the Nonviolent Communication movement have convinced me, we can best be heard if we first hear the other.
This work is hard and scary at times, and it doesn’t come intuitively. So read this book with others, practice often, and practice bravely.
At the end of each chapter, there are questions for you to consider. Please take time to reflect on them before you move on. This book is not intended to be read in one sitting. I’m hoping you’ll take a chapter at a time and chew on it a bit (to use a classic Gestalt therapy metaphor) before deciding whether you’ll swallow what I’m proposing or spit it out.
I also hope you’ll take advantage of the resources I’ve collected as I put this handbook together. For those who want to dive a bit deeper, you’ll find them at the end the book. The links are also live on the LEARN MORE page of my website, janetgivens.com — at least they were when this edition was published. Links seem to have an unreliable life span.
Holding civil conversations on topics we disagree on may not come as easily as we'd like but, after spending the last five years reading what many others have said on this topic, I'm convinced that we must bring it back, and I'm certain that we can.
My premise is we can learn to manage conflict if we are willing. And, we can do it without abandoning our political or philosophical beliefs. These days, politics and religion are no longer the taboo topics they once were, for we tend to surround ourselves with those who think and vote and worship (or not) as we do. Ideological bubbles, some call them, and we live comfortably within their fixed confines. Sadly, these bubbles are getting smaller and smaller as we become increasingly disconnected from anyone who disagrees with us.
My concern about incivility is grounded in the many critical challenges we face. Political and social polarization grow each day, and the issues are often spoken of in absolute terms, with no room for creativity, imagination, or civil debate. We want to convert each other and if we can't, we hunker down with those who agree with us.
This type of disconnection is tearing my country apart. Suicide rates have never been higher; depression and addiction are at epidemic levels. ... As important as political conversations currently are, these principles can be applied to any conversation you deem difficult, from marital disagreements and parent-teen clashes to neighborhood standoffs or workplace disputes. And so, perhaps a more inclusive subtitle would have been How to hold a difficult conversation at a difficult time.
The first four concepts in LEAPFROG — listening, empathy, assessment, and perspective — help us as we listen to the other person. The final four — facts (forget them for now), respect, observation, and gratitude — guide us as we present our ideas in a way that will increase the likelihood that we will be heard. Yes, it’s all about listening and being heard. And, as my friends in the Nonviolent Communication movement have convinced me, we can best be heard if we first hear the other.
This work is hard and scary at times, and it doesn’t come intuitively. So read this book with others, practice often, and practice bravely.
At the end of each chapter, there are questions for you to consider. Please take time to reflect on them before you move on. This book is not intended to be read in one sitting. I’m hoping you’ll take a chapter at a time and chew on it a bit (to use a classic Gestalt therapy metaphor) before deciding whether you’ll swallow what I’m proposing or spit it out.
I also hope you’ll take advantage of the resources I’ve collected as I put this handbook together. For those who want to dive a bit deeper, you’ll find them at the end the book. The links are also live on the LEARN MORE page of my website, janetgivens.com — at least they were when this edition was published. Links seem to have an unreliable life span.
140 pages, Paperback
Published September 5, 2022
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