Love Me

by Danger Slater

Do you like tales of Cold War espionage? Taut psychological thrillers? Science fiction as a metaphor for U.S. foreign policy? How about cute angst-filled teenage vampire toyboys?Well, too bad. None of those things are in this book.Instead you’ll join a guy in a Viking suit on an absurdly epic quest to figure out the meaning of life. There will be obstacles, of rabid gangs of disgruntled grannies, rival cults of pie-enthusiasts, toasters, anti-matter conversion do-hickeys, Shadow Men, bandits, hippies, annoying celestial bodies, the Department of Internationally Sexy Affairs, and probably way too many dick jokes for this book to ever be considered for any serious academic curriculum. You know, the usual.So what are you waiting for? Light a few candles, pour another glass of wine, and grab the lube.You’re about to LOVE ME.

Genres: Bizarro Fiction, Humor, Fiction, Horror

168 pages, Kindle Edition

First published July 16, 2011

About the author

Wonderland Award winning author Danger Slater is the world’s most flammable writer! He likes to use a lot of exclamation points!

Reviews

[karen · Rating 4 out of 5]

did you ever wonder what a "danger slater" looks like??? it looks like this:



DO IT FOR DANGER!!

fun!

heh.

this book was a rollicking bit of occasionally dirty-minded fun.

what is it about, you ask? shit, i didn't expect to have to answer this one. okay. well - it is about a very self-confident man who lives in a castle of human skulls surrounded by a moat of crocoweilers, who is horrifically lonely, hundreds of years old, and seemingly invincible. it is also about gangs of geriatric mall-thugs, free pie, hippies, toasters, the university of phoenix,ratsecks and finding true love.

and also how annoying the moon is. which is my favorite part, and reinforces my notions about the moon and how i hate it so.

it is about more than this, and less, and is a fun strange journey through the psyche of a delightfully deranged author. like vonnegut, but with more erections. by which i mean statue erections, naturally.

...they'll erect a shrine to me, a giant statue right off Ellis Island. My statue will be punching the Statue of Liberty in the face for being such a weak and inferior statue. It will also be calling her a whore. That's right, my statue talks! People would gather at the base of my statue and dance and copulate and drink wine and spirits and chaos will rule and birds will fly backwards and that dude who hosts Wheel of Fortune will spontaneously combust on national television in front of thirty-five million horrified viewers and it'll be I who will save mankind!

yeah, but also penis-erections

On the plus side, it was my massive, veiny, throbbing erection that single-handedly kept Levi-Strauss in business during the Great Depression.

also, there are pictures! so it is like shel silverstein! with more poop-jokes!

...take your shit! Take your shit and admire it. Love it. Cradle it in your arms. For it is a piece of you. Take your shit. Take your shit out to dinner. Order the roast duck. Have a moderately-priced glass of Sauvignon Blanc. Tip the waiter generously. Take your shit to Niagara Falls. Stare at the wall of water in wonder, just you and your shit together on the railing as the waves crash on the rocks below. Go on the Maid of the Mist. Later, ride in the Skywheel. Propose marriage when you reach the top. Your shit will say yes because your shit loves you too. I command you to take your shit on a honeymoon to Punta Cana. Sip margaritas on the beach. Make love to your shit under the orange sunset. Fly home first class. Rent a loft together in a brownstone on the outskirts of the city; nothing too flashy, but enough for the two of you. Make Wednesday night movie night. Visit the in-laws once a month. Raise your kids agnostic. Retire to Boca Ratan.

see - exactly like shel silverstein.

i mean, it is silly, sure, but the fun kind of silly, not the eye-rolling kind.

extra points for use of the word "callipygous," which is one of my favorite-ever words.

love me, love the book, have a great day!!

come to my blog!

[Danger · Rating 5 out of 5]

I know what your thinking, but no, I am not the same Danger Slater that wrote this book. Weird that we share the same name, right? So speaking at a completely objective third-party observer who has absolutely no stake in the success of this novel, even though a few positive reviews and some good word of mouth could make or break the author's budding career as a world-class novelist and, quite possibly, the greatest lover that mankind has ever known, I have to say that THIS IS THE BEST BOOK I HAVE EVER READ! FOOLS, YOU ARE, IF YOU SKIP THIS MILESTONE IN THE HISTORY OF LITERATURE! BUY IT! RELINQUISH YOUR MONEY! NOW!

[Arthur Graham · Rating 4 out of 5]

"I am the loneliest man to ever live. This is not a matter of opinion. It is a fact. If there were a prize given out for bleak, soul-crushing loneliness, I would undoubtedly win it, year after year. Of course, no one would come to the ceremony. Which is exactly my point."

So we're told near the outset of Danger Slater's Love Me, a book crammed so tight with slapstick and satire, penises and pathos, it's no wonder the sprawling monstrosity doesn't split the seams of its polyester swish pants. The nameless, faceless narrator represents an everyman of sorts, lonely and searching—a scared little boy hiding beneath his fearsome Authentic Traditional Viking Helmet. But at the same time he's like a god or a superhero—an exaggerated version of ourselves, facing the world with reckless abandon and getting away with it, if only because he's just that smart, strong, and sexually proficient (in his own head, at least). Whether brooding in his castle or haphazardly shaping the outside world in his own clueless image, what's most remarkable about Slater's protagonist is that, for all his genius and power, he's actually quite comically inept at achieving the emotional connection demanded by the book's title.

It's a wacky, tragic, and unwieldy tale, simultaneously entertaining, thought provoking, and well written. If that doesn't make you want to read it, well, there are crocoweilers (a crocodile/rottweiler hybrid) too!

More from Danger Slater:

https://www.goodreads.com/review/show...

[Jenn(ifer) · Rating 3 out of 5]

Love Me Love Me ~ Say that you Love Me -- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bUIElv...

"I'm just contemplating the futility of life and my unintentional impact on it." I shrug. "Nothing Special"

Let’s see what the critics had to say about ‘Love Me’ (the goodreads critics, of course, not that other, useless kind of critic):

• “…a fun strange journey through the psyche of a delightfully deranged author. like vonnegut, but with more erections..” ~ karen

• “A highly impressive first novel, Love Me is fun, funny, picaresque, absurd, crude, irreverent, ridiculous, and well-written to boot…” ~ Douglas

• “I have to say that THIS IS THE BEST BOOK I HAVE EVER READ! FOOLS, YOU ARE, IF YOU SKIP THIS MILESTONE IN THE HISTORY OF LITERATURE!“ ~ anonymous ;)

• “Hahahahahahaha...” ~ Kate

• “Fans of over-the-top wackiness may really enjoy this…” ~Lisa

• “To draw an analogy reading Love Me is a lot like life itself, it doesn't always have to make sense-like when you clean a toilet, really why are you cleaning a toilet when you're just going to end up crapping in it again?” ~ Jeremy

• “I read this book FOUR GOD DAMNED TIMES. And it never got old. I kept laughing…” ~Eirik

• “delicious, zany, humorous parable of the agnostic/atheist journey through Western society in a search for the meaning of life. If that sounds like it'd appeal to you and swearing and dick jokes don't offend you, then I highly recommend it.” ~Amanda

• “If you’re looking to laugh, gag, roll your eyes, say “what the hell?”, empathize, laugh some more, and possibly even think, read Love Me. NOW!” Risa

• “All a person needs to know if they're going to read this is just to forget all the rules of logic and get ready to experience an extremely witty and humorous story about a thousand year old guy in a Viking suit.” ~ Hafiz

• “This book is... Oh my wow.” ~Kati

****

You heard it here first, folks: "Oh my wow."

BTW ~ Did I mention there’s a Viking?



Yeah boyeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!

[David Fleming · Rating 4 out of 5]

To be perfectly honest I usually stick to the classics or books that are at least twenty or so years old. But, secretly, I've been looking for a book that honestly reflected more modern sentiments. I wasn't let down with "Love Me!"

There are a lot of clever little things going on in this novel so I'll name a few that most impressed me: the false histories (mismatched technology and references throughout create a unique and fun world), the modern pop-culture allusions, the alliterative prose style and the Freudian type symbolism. Freudian type symbolism? Yes. Look: He's lonely. He lives in a really tall tower (phallic symbol) and he talks to the Moon (the symbol for woman). And there are a bunch of things like that going on in the text. It's like another novel going on simultaneously.

This novel did have it's difficult moments for me at times. Danger_Slater's sense of play is so carefree and experimental that, at times, I did lose track of what was happening and have to reread a sentence or two. But is that really such a fault? Shouldn't novels be novel and strain our ability to comprehend a bit? At times the protagonist was a bit too powerful for my liking. The hero did struggle in this story but for my liking he could have sweated his obstacles more.

I would describe the over-arching theme of this work as "the malaise of modern life." That might sound like a downer but it's handled with plenty of humor.

If you enjoy irreverent, satirical modern stories like those of Kurt Vonnegut there's a very good chance you'll enjoy "Love Me."

[Shamus McCarty · Rating 4 out of 5]

I like this book, so I will review it. It will be that greatest review in the universe. When other reviews read my review they will wish they were my review. They will write my review letters, asking for advice, begging to be 1/1,000,000,000th as awesome as my review. My review is kind, but it is only a review and incapable of responding to so much fan mail.

My review will write a review to handle the fan mail. My review's review will not be awesome, for I did not write it. Billions of reviews will get bad advice from my review's review responses. They will commit suicide, Goodreads will become a reviewless wasteland where only my review stands.

I've included a piece of my review in my review. "This book was funny, I liked it a lot."

[Kate · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hahahahahahaha...I don't even know where to start with this one.

I thoroughly enjoyed this book. It was hysterically absurd, absurdly bizarre, and bizarrely original. It's about this dude who wears a traditional Viking outfit complete with hat, has lived for thousands of years in a castle made of skulls, does some strange beauty ritual with blue-green algae and is on a mission to discover what the true meaning of life is.

While he is on this mission he has some mishaps which are absolutely hilarious. I don't want to give too much away but let’s just say his experience with the visiting Jehovah's Witness was one of my favorite scenes of this book. Oh yeah, and when he's searching for true love that's pretty hilarious too.

So, if you're looking for a read that is over the top absurd but hilarious at the same time, look no further than this book. It's worth it!

[Frank · Rating 5 out of 5]

Indie press has been hitting it out of the park lately. LOVE ME by Danger Slater is batting clean up and just launched one into the 2nd level. Who cares about the big names on the shelves for 5 times the price? There is no point any longer. Danger Slater is a name that needs to be up in neon lights.

LOVE ME is the story of a god-like being who can do and be anything he can think of in his brilliant mind. He his handsome beyond the likes of Brand Pitt, he is brilliant beyond the likes of Dr. Michio Kaku. He can do, be, have anything he wants. Yet he is a complete social miscreant. The protagonist needs, wants, craves loves, companionship and camaraderie. This is the story of the man who has everything, everything except love.

It is brilliant. It is simple. It is hilarious. It is poignant. I want to compare him to Chad Kultgen with a better sense of humor. Alas, I can not because Danger Slater is too unique a voice. This is big press story published by a small press company. If your going to give something a little "not mainstream" then give this one a shot. This is the story that will ring true with every soul who reads it.

[Douglas Hackle · Rating 4 out of 5]

Sort of like Candide on bath salts.

Witty, conceited, well-hung, and horribly lonely, the narrator-hero of Love Me is a 243-year-old man who preserves his youth and good looks with a special exfoliating salve of his own making and lives by himself in a castle built from skulls. When he forsakes his castle to go seek out the meaning of life and existence and whathaveyou, a series of zany misadventures and disillusionments ensues.

A highly impressive first novel, Love Me is fun, funny, picaresque, absurd, crude, irreverent, ridiculous, and well-written to boot. Lots of smart satire and many a LOL moment in this one.

[Rodney · Rating 5 out of 5]

Have you ever met someone that is so pompous, arrogant and narcissistic that you can't help but love them? Me neither. The protagonist in the book is that guy. I couldn't help but be totally amused by how absurd and hilarious he was. He is said to be the loneliest man alive, most likely because of how much of an asshole he can be.
The author is very crafty in the way he writes. The descriptions were vivid, the situations were hilarious. To sum it up, the book was poetic ridiculousness.
The adventures are many and I really enjoyed taking the trip with the main character toward the realization of what the meaning of life is.

[Donald Armfield · Rating 5 out of 5]

Do you like crunchy peanut butter. How bout a man willing to be your refrigerator and vomit out your food on demand.

Strap on your Authentic Traditional Viking Outfit and let Jesus into your heart. Could've went without Jesus talk but still made me laugh (not for believers)

From Mallrat Gangs to 100 years later after his clumsy death with a toaster, we follow a conceited guy in the search of Love. Or not to be alone ever again. I won't say so much but a guarantee laugh.

Warning besides being highly toxic Danger Slater is a dangerously funny.

[a_reader · Rating 5 out of 5]

Simply put, this is a hilarious tale filled with absurd bizarro humor. I giggled and laughed my way through each chapter. Love Me follows the story of a centuries-old man wearing a Viking hat and living in a castle made of skulls. After being rejected by a publisher for his manuscript which he determined will be the best novel in the history of mankind, he is visited by a Jehovah Witness which leads him on his own journey to discover the meaning of life and to find love. What follows is a very funny story packed full of pop culture references, political/religious puns, and boatloads of crude humor. In the end your heart goes out to the guy and you wish that he will find fulfillment. Love Me dealt with deep philosophical issues but at the same time it was so much fun to read.

[Vanessa Wolf · Rating 5 out of 5]

As others have gone on about the text, let me just open with how awesome the art in this book is, if you grew up on the original art for Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, you will love Shawn Vales art. A bit more whimsical perhaps, but Vales is more nuanced. If nothing else this is why you should buy a copy. Also, very good quality binding for something not bound in Caspian tiger leather.

Others have mentioned the dick jokes and scat oriented humor. I for one am unamused by scat jokes. I've read Gargantua and Pantagruel and the various works of Chaucer so I am familiar with the old as well as contemporary forms of that sort of humor. That said I laughed every time. The scat humor was brief and entirely within context. Considering I'm dead on the inside that's fainter praise than it deserves. People to whom I read passages aloud (as I'm sure you will do in turn) found them funny and felt strangely enlightened. Regarding the dick jokes there was in fact one chapter without a single dick jokes, I was pleasantly surprised by a following plethora of dick jokes where I felt it sufficiently made up the previous shortage.

On the style, this text is like if Barry Longyear and Kurt Vonnegut Jr. were whipped by Tom Robbins into rewriting Candedid into something that didn't suck the soul out of everyone and everything around it. If I had known how epic it was I would have ordered a second one for my local library.

Lastly, regarding the recipe for Forbidden Apple Pie, it does not include a pie crust recipe. However, I was able to obtain a recipe from an old book, used as directed it works very well apple pie.

The Incredible Crust Of Dreams

1 cup of flour
1/3 and a tablespoon shortening
2 tablespoons of water
a dash of rejected love
a teaspoon of unending horror (note: this can be substituted with 3/4ths a tablespoon of childhood terrors).

Mix Flour and shortening in a bowl made from brimstone. Add remaining ingredients once the mixture has taken a crumbly look. Refrigerate in the heart of a miser for a half-hour.
Repeat process for a second, top layer crust.


Place a sheet of plastic kitchen wrap on the counter. Place dough on wrap, place an additional wrap on top of the dough. Use the rolling pin that you bought because it was on sale at the dollar store. When that breaks use a chip can to finish smoothing the dough. Remove the top layer of plastic wrap and dump it onto the pie tin. Remove excess dough. Bake for 30 seconds in preheated oven. Dump in Pie mixture.
Take out second batch of dough, roll into a smooth round oval. Draw the appropriate runes for effect and so the the pie can vent. Remember to remove the second layer of kitchen wrap and place rune inscribed dough onto pie.

Please remember the Crust of Dreams is easily broken, be sure to have extra ingredients on hand.

[Matt Hlinak · Rating 5 out of 5]

Love Me by Danger Slater (with whom I share a publisher) is philosophical, filthy and funny. The novel is about a god-like being's existential quest for Answers to the Question. If you ever wondered would it would be like to pull the Big Bang's pants down and crawl up its rectum, this is the book for you. I cracked a smile on every page and laughed out loud at least once per chapter. When Danger Slater commands you to love him, you better do it.

Matt Hlinak
Author of DoG

[Seb · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love Danger Slater's work: he's one of my favorite writers! I've therefore higher expectations from him than others.

I'm a bit dissapointed by Love Me. I laughed many times during the first half part and it collapsed quickly after that. As I didn't care at all for the hero (I DON'T like you) I struggled to finish...

It clearly is due to the fact that this is Danger's early work and that he honed through the years. So I cannot rate it with the same criterions than his other books and give it four stars. However I truly hope not to encounter again something like that by him!

[Jeremy Wallendjack · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you haven't read the back cover/product description on Amazon for Love Me, my advice is this- don't take anything too seriously about the book. It's nothing more than a fun experience to read and there is a good moral to it all. It starts out with a strong opening and concludes with a better closing that really ties everything together and doesn't let the reader down. In between the opening and closing is the story of a protagonist who: is never really given a name-except for one chapter by accident, there is no real judgement of time, the setting consistently changes... none of these things matter though. The protagonist can and does do ridiculous things like talk to rats or the moon or the wind, but after awhile you just kind of stop questioning the absurdity and accept it for what it is.
To draw an analogy reading Love Me is a lot like life itself, it doesn't always have to make sense-like when you clean a toilet, really why are you cleaning a toilet when you're just going to end up crapping in it again? (which reminds me there is a decent amount of vulgar humor, laugh this off also). But like life itself the important thing about it to simply have fun, reading Love Me is nothing more than a fun experience. If you want a fun reading experience I strongly recommend this, if you don't pick up the Bible or a textbook or something and tell me Love Me isn't by far much better.

[S.B. (Beauty in Ruins) · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm a sucker for stories that push the edge, that take pop-culture obsessions and tear them to pieces, so when Danger Slater came to me with Love Me, describing is as "a tongue-in-cheek satire heavily steeped in speculative-fiction/absurdism/bizarro.....think Forrest Gump if it were directed by David Lynch," I was only too happy to take up the challenge.

With a set-up like that, any book should be doomed to failure - except he tosses in just enough Monty Python, Douglas Adams, and even Looney Tunes to make it all work.

This was a wonderfully absurd read, and one that had me frequently laughing out loud. It's twisted and perverted (which isn't a bad thing!), and wildly inventive. Every time you figure you've reached the heights of absurdity, and have found a rare lull in the story, he dangles something even more ridiculous in front of you . . . and then sneaks up behind you and macks you over the head with something even more unexpected. I could list a dozen favourite scenes from the book (none of them with a straight face), but I'm wary of spoiling the experience.

If you're not open to a read where tangents make the book, this will likely try your patience at times, but I still suspect it will make you beg for more. So long as you don't mind people staring at your public laughter, then give this a read.

[Kate · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hahahahahahaha...I don't even know where to start with this one.

I thoroughly enjoyed this book. It was hysterically absurd, absurdly bizarre, and bizarrely original. It's about this dude who wears a traditional Viking outfit complete with hat, has lived for thousands of years in a castle made of skulls, does some strange beauty ritual with blue-green algae and is on a mission to discover what the true meaning of life is.

While he is on this mission he has some mishaps which are absolutely hilarious. I don't want to give too much away but let’s just say his experience with the visiting Jehovah's Witness was one of my favorite scenes of this book. Oh yeah, and when he's searching for true love that's pretty hilarious too.

So, if you're looking for a read that is over the top absurd but hilarious at the same time, look no further than this book. It's worth it!

[Tamara aka SoMysteriousLee · Rating 4 out of 5]

Surrealistically bizarre, at times pretty disgusting (bathroom humor abounding in that male dominated way), yet...hilariously clever throughout. I had plenty of LOL's, gigglesnorts and, well, those 'ewww' moments too. I found it to be, over all, pretty damned funny.

Quote from our egotistical lonely guy that hooked me early into his powerful 'biography': "But I fight through the pain with Karate and power tools."

Sadly, while my review cannot even remotely compare to Etienne's, I humbly offer this one in hopes of being allowed to bask in the shadow of his great review and be glorified in knowing that for a time, I was on the same page.

Oh, and I forgot to mention Crocoweilers! OFMG, there are Crocoweilers in the book!

[David · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was actually a lot of fun. It is wild, imaginative, and humorous. It will give you the answers to all your questions and then give you all new questions. Though that'll end up really being a wash, your new questions will be highly superior to your old questions. Only a fool won't be able to tell the difference between your new questions and your old questions. Regardless, it's a fun book to read.

[Christy Stewart · Rating 3 out of 5]

Discombobulated and otherworldly, this book sits very firmly within the genre of bizarro; meaning if you don't know what you're getting into there is no preparing you but if you are already a connoisseur there will be nothing to surprising you.

Funny, sexual, and crude this is the perfect beach read for those who drive to the beach only to prefer being locked in the car.

[Ryan · Rating 5 out of 5]

The greatest book about finding the meaning of life since The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. And this one had way more castles made out of human skulls, so really, you can do the math on which book is more sexy.

[Stephen Schwegler · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hilarious. Whatever you're expecting forget about it. I challenge anyone to find a story like this anywhere.

[Hilary "Fox" · Rating 3 out of 5]

Danger slater was so kind as to provide a copy of this book for download on Valentine's Day. I must say, this was far better than the traditional romantic fare that one would get on such a holiday. Much better indeed.

Love Me is... well, difficult to describe. Either Danger Slater has produced a masterpiece of satire and glory, or something more akin to Chuck Palahniuk post-Haunted fare. Which I reckon some people would call a masterpiece anyway, so that may make my point moot. Well, I wavered between believing both sides of that coin so three stars it is for the time being.

For all of Love Me's faults, which mainly rested in the fact that I felt sometimes the commentary was a bit too drawn out, I still enjoyed the book. It had me laughing, it had me chuckling, it had me marveling at the archaic words that Danger Slater pulled out of the insipid Moon. It had me rolling my eyes several times, and feeling physically ill at some of the descriptions.

Now, even though the book isn't sold bound in the skin of the Caspian Tiger, I still think it's worth a read when you want something funny. Just... be prepared for a sick, twisted, and sometimes a bit overzealous ride.

You'll know in the first ten pages if you're up for it or not. ;)

[Risa Di · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you like to laugh, while simultaneously pondering your existence, read this book immediately! In Love Me, we follow the fantastical, yet somehow completely relatable, main character through a life changing journey as he tries to figure out his place in the world while accidentally creating the fundamentals of our existence. He’s sometimes sad, often vulgar, definitely blunt, and always funny. Sound complicated and hard to read? It’s not! While the underlying themes of Love Me might be ones philosophers have pondered for centuries, the delivery of the story is not only light and easy to read, but completely original. I mean it. There is a castle made of skulls, some talking rats, and a nosy neighbor who happens to be the Moon (just to name a FEW of the weirdos that pop up throughout the story). Yet despite this fantasy world, Danger Slater brings us the story of a guy we can relate to. I often found myself commiserating with the main character as I laughed at the preposterous and completely improbable situations he found himself in. Love Me is as loveable, as ridiculous, and as rude as your favorite Judd Apatow film, and as hilariously self-aware/referential as the best episode of Arrested Development. If you’re looking for something serious, dry, sane, and emotionless, go read Ernest Hemingway. If you’re looking to laugh, gag, roll your eyes, say “what the hell?”, empathize, laugh some more, and possibly even think, read Love Me. NOW!

[Kati · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is... Oh my wow. This has to be the most random crazy book I have EVER read. The story line has an important meaning but you have to read the whole book to get it. Its so bad its funny. The fact that it is crazy is what makes it so memorable. It actually reminds me a lot of my ex. It has many perverted things in it so its not for the faint hearted. Sorry this is all over the place. Hilarious. Whatever you're expecting forget about it. I challenge anyone to find a story like this anywhere. This book is for people who can laugh at anything and that doesn't take things so seriously. So 17 - 29 year olds maybe. 5 stars.

[Georgiann Hennelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

Whatever your expecting from this book . forget about it . Its hilarious laugh out loud funny .I especially loved when he got into an arguement with the moon and punched him in the face. I bought it on kindle, wish i had bought the paperback, so i could share it more easily. looking forward to more books by this author

[Jessica T. · Rating 5 out of 5]

There's a picture of this book next to the definition of fun. Think Tom Robbins after a crack/strip club binge...

[Jarrod Scarbrough · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a bizarre little book. Quite funny and always very quirky, it was a good way to spend the weekend.

[Joseph Spuckler · Rating 4 out of 5]

“Startled, I accidentally knock over my inkwell. A black tsunami of ink sprawls out across the page, engulfing the tiny village of my words. They are swept away into the midnight sea. Gone forever. I am bereft.”

Do you ever get one of those books you really wanted to read, but instead of reading it you set it aside and will get to it in a week or so? That happened to me last year. I received a free copy of Love Me by Danger Slater. So almost a year later, I read the book and wonder why I didn’t read it last year.

Our unnamed protagonist lives high up a mountain in a castle made of skulls and he is lonely. So lonely that he cries toxic tears that run down the mountain into a toxic tear reservoir that kills any animal that drinks there. In my mind I hear George Thorogood going through my mind: I got a brand new chimney made on top/ Made out of a human skull... Tell me who do you love.

It is unclear who exactly the main character is: A god, he certainly does have some powers, deluded, or just plain strange. He converses with the moon, the Big Bang (or "bebe" as he likes to be called), and Jehovah’s Witnesses. He invents the pie stand. He preaches.

“Can religion make me less ugly?” a woman yells out. “Most definitely,” I say. “Just ask God to strike everyone blind.”

On Jesus, "He enjoyed poetry. He was an amateur horticulturist. He appeared on Dancing with the Stars. He won the World Series of Poker". When he came back from death "“All the Romans were like, No F*cking way!” And Jesus was all like, “F*cking way, bro,” "

Our man seeks out Jesus and finds Hey-Zoos, a Mexican baker.

This book does to weirdness what Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy did to science fiction. Our guy does his best and beyond to find happiness. He does this in his Authentic Traditional Viking Outfit ordered from eBay and salve made from blue green algae. This one man’s search for happiness is a complete romp, sometimes offensive, brilliant, witty, and smart-assed. You don’t need a degree from the University of Phoenix to like this book, but if you don’t like it you are probably an “omnidouche.” This book was a load of fun. The most fun I had reading in a long time.