Secrets of Sex and Marriage: 8 Surprises That Make All the Difference

by Shaunti Feldhahn, Dr. Michael Sytsma

"I highly recommend this insightful book to all married couples." --GARY CHAPMAN, PhD, author of The 5 Love Languages

Let's Talk about Sex

Most people are curious about sex and would love a few answers. "Are we normal?" "Why isn't my spouse as interested in sex as I am?" "I don't want to feel pressured, but don't want to disappoint my spouse either--what do I do?" "How do we handle the impact of medication, menopause, porn, ED, pain . . . ?"

Most "How can we get on the same page and create a thriving intimate life?"

Sex is one of the most common marriage issues (for example, almost 80% of couples are mismatched in how often they want it), but it doesn't have to be that way .

Relationship researcher Shaunti Feldhahn and renowned sex therapist Dr. Michael Sytsma have identified eight simple, transformational factors to help you move from disconnection to delight. This is knowledge you can trust , based on vast clinical experience and their breakthrough research, including the largest nationally representative study ever conducted with married couples about sex. This book is not a "sex manual"; it is a fascinating, practical field guide that will help you intimately understand your spouse and create the marriage you've always wanted.

Genres: Marriage, Christian, Relationships, Sexuality, Counselling, Nonfiction

244 pages, Hardcover

Published February 7, 2023

About the author

Shaunti received her graduate degree from Harvard University and was an analyst on Wall Street before unexpectedly becoming a social researcher, best-selling author and popular speaker. Today, she applies her analytical skills to investigating eye-opening, life-changing truths about relationships, both at home and in the workplace. Her groundbreaking research-based books, such as For Women Only, have sold more than 2 million copies in 23 languages and are widely read in homes, counseling centers and corporations worldwide.

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, is catalyzing a movement of kindness across the country and beyond. Dozens of prominent organizations and leaders are coming together to do The 30-Day Kindness Challenge, and encourage their followers to do the same.

Shaunti’s findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show and Focus on the Family, The New York Times and Cosmo. She (often with her husband, Jeff) speaks at 50 events a year around the world. Shaunti and her husband Jeff live in Atlanta with their teenage daughter and son, and two cats who think they are dogs.

Reviews

[Dr. John C. Thomas]

Finally a book about sexual intimacy in marriage that is based upon research. Secrets of Sex and Marriage: 8 Surprises That Make All the Difference, by Shaunti Feldhahn and Michael Sytsma provides readers with practical insights to make their marriages stronger by facing their sexual struggles and to build on present strengths. So many couples cheat themselves out of a sex life that God intended when He created sex. As a sex therapist, I will unhesitatingly recommend this book as a resource for my clients.

Dr. John C. Thomas, Professor, Department of Counselor Education & Family Studies, Liberty University, Lynchburg, VA

[Lucinda Able · Rating 5 out of 5]

We all long for healthy marriages and wonder if we are “normal” when we compare our marriage and it’s intimacy with our perceptions of others' marriage. Unfortunately there are many myths and misconceptions about marriage and physical intimacy. This book provides practical insights from experts that have taken the time to provide research data and practical counseling insights that will allow a couple to read this book together and improve their marriage as well as their physical intimacy. It is written with technical expertise and yet in a manner that allows easy understanding and application. It does include a faith based perspective yet it is written in a manner that allows valuable truths even if you are coming from a different perspective.

One of my favorite quotes in the book says “Once you cultivate the desire to learn the intimate things that make your spouse tick, you will see that curiosity truly is a sexual superpower.” Who would not love to have a sexual superpower??

As a Licensed Professional Counselor and a Certified Christian Sex Therapist I would encourage every couple, even those with a good marriage to purchase this book, set aside time to read it together and talk about the information, apply the recommendations and watch your marriage deepen, grow and reflect to others the amazing opportunities of intimacy.

[Brooke Keinath · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was an excellent book! It provides valuable insights into honoring each other both in and out of the bedroom, backed by real-life research. I learned a lot and truly enjoyed listening to it.

[Caren · Rating 5 out of 5]

Secrets of Sex and Marriage

This is a great book! It gets real about what a truly good sex life looks like starting outside of the bedroom and in our hearts and minds first. How to honor one another and honor ourselves.

[Betsy Warwick · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thoroughly enjoyed Secrets of Sex and Marriage. I can't wait for the book to be released so that I can give copies to others. I have a great marriage, but who wouldn't want a better one? I used the book as a discussion starter with my husband and he agreed, the research and suggestions are sound Biblically and culturally. We need more resources like this book in our churches to better our marriages, families, and culture through sound Biblical teaching. But even if you are not a church-goer, this book has many helpful myth-busters that I wish I had know long ago.

[Beverly · Rating 5 out of 5]

A delightful, much-needed surprise!

Where was this book 26 years ago? Oh how my husband and I could have used this gem…the authors take a “hush-hush” subject and make it normal to talk about. Then they give actual practical suggestions not just for sex itself but for marriage…in easy to understand and applicable ideas. This book is a must-read for all couples. Well researched and balanced, these principles will work in any marriage where two people genuinely want to explore and support each other and gain a healthy and mutually satisfying relationship in the process. If I were a counselor this would be the first book I would recommend for a couple struggling in this area. I actually think it would be a great pre-marital resource as well because it’s not only about sex, it’s about communication and understanding. Chapter 4 was extremely helpful, somewhat mind-blowing…yet simple in concept; and yet something rarely discussed in any other marriage book I’ve ever encountered. I’d give it ten stars if I could. Thanks, Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn and Dr. Michael Sytsma for this life impacting book!

[Louise · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well researched, practical information for married couples about creating a healthy intimate life. This book is written and researched with a Christian world view but I think a lot of the general principles would apply across the board. (Ex: being curious instead of critical.) I think we will reference this book often and probably gift it to couples we mentor as well. We have a number of books on this topic that have similar info and tips, but I like that this one is particularly easy to read and the length is not overwhelming for those who aren't big readers.

[Jessica Mccleese · Rating 5 out of 5]

As part of the launch team, I had a chance to read “Secrets of Sex and Marriage” early and I’ve been excitedly waiting for the official release so that others can benefit from it. Overall, I just really enjoyed the easy read, humor, and actual research results that help couples understand what things actually make a positive difference in their marital intimacy. In fact, I’ve already recommended it to couples that I work with even though it hasn’t been released yet.

The authors lay out their 8 secrets in a table in the first chapter which allows the reader, if they choose to, to go straight to the surprise that is most meaningful to them. My favorite one to learn about was in chapter six where the authors teach the reader why some spouse’s pull away or become angry/upset when sex isn’t happening as frequently as one spouse likes. The authors make it clear that this behavior is not good or helpful, but also explain why it happens to bring some clarity to that response. This helps both spouses know how to navigate this concern better. I often work with couples who need help in their intimacy and this particular concern comes up so frequently.

This book is an excellent resource for couples who are in a fairly healthy relationship (i.e., generally happy with one another with no abuse within the marriage) who just want some help navigating their differences as they aim for a satisfying sex life. So, if you’re in a fairly healthy marriage but looking to improve your sexual relationship or if you work with married couples on the regular, I highly recommend this book. It’s my new favorite go-to resource for married couples.

[Aurelia Mast-glick · Rating 4 out of 5]

8 Surprises That Make All the Difference

This is a book that's a bit hard to talk about and review. I found the book helpful and insightful, but also deeply personal to the point that I'm not super comfortable sharing a lot about it in a personal manner.

However, I would recommend this to every married couple out there: there is something for everyone here and the authors did their research thoroughly in the writing of this book.

A few things that stuck out to me that are applicable in all areas of marriage that I will mention here are communication and acceptance. Talk things over. Learn to have the hard conversations. Learn to listen and hear what the other person is saying both in their words and actions.

Acceptance: don't focus on what your spouse isn't, focus on who they are and be grateful for that.

"Once you truly accept that your spouse isn't everything you wanted, you can see and enjoy what you've got." Our spouses are not perfect and are not going to do everything to our method and style, but we aren't perfect either and we aren't going to do everything the way our spouse wants either, so extend grace and love in the midst of it all.

"A couple seeking intimacy and healthy oneness in their marriage is pursuing the heart of God."

I did enjoy this book and am grateful for the things I learned. I received this book from Bethany House and was not required to write a positive review. All opnions expressed are my own.

[Chad · Rating 4 out of 5]

The isn't a sex manual giving formulas and tips, but a guide to understanding your spouse and yourself to create intimacy in marriage. The 2 authors are a sex therapist who's also a pastor and counselor (mostly of couples) with 35 yrs of clinical experience and a social researcher with 20 yrs of experience. The book is based on decades of research including research on 35,000 Americans over 20 yrs and a recent study of 5,300 individuals over 3 yrs.

The chapter "Love the One You’re With" lists several things that could be grounds for divorce without almost no reference to what the Bible says. In one place, it says women have grounds for divorce if the husband doesn't give provision, protection, and sex, an apparent reference to Exodus 21:7-11. However, that passage an Old Testament passage containing laws about servants. The relevant New Testament passages about divorce are Matt 19:3-9 and 1 Cor 7:11-15.

Notes
What We Want—And How to Get There
Generally, for men, desire leads to sex, and for women, sex leads to desire.

What Are Married Couples Up to in the Bedroom?
It's not possible to not communicate with your spouse; you're always communicating consciously or unconsciously.

What We See
If your goal is pleasure, you might have only OK sex. If your goal is intimate connection and oneness, great sex is more likely.

You Are Not Broken
It can be good for initiating desire spouse to give receptive desire spouse some anticipation time.

Don't view spouse's hesitance as rejection, but as opportunity to seduce (learning what's appealing to spouse and living that way).

“I Want You to Want Me”
If neither spouse is getting as much sex as they want, instead of trying to fix one person, try to figure out problem that's depriving both spouses.

Sex releases chemicals (e.g., testosterone) that foster desire for sex, creating a positive cycle. Lack of sex creates a negative cycle.

Sexual Healing
In general, women's most acute insecurities are about being lovable, special, beautiful, worthy of being loved, pursued. They want to feel appealing, close to husband, paid attention to. Husbands need to act accordingly, such as saying, "I love you," or, "I'm thankful for you."

In general, men's most acute insecurities are about being able, adequate, good at what they do. They want to feel wanted, appreciated, desirable, close to wife. Wives need to reassure act accordingly, such as complimenting a job well done.

Women tend to want emotional connection before sex. Men tend to get emotional connection from having sex.

At the end of a hard day, men tend to be more interested in sex than women are. Women tend to be more interested in having husband listen and ask questions.

Husband should pay attention to wife throughout day to increase her interest in sex later in day.

The Magic Touch
3 stances in every interaction: clueless, critical, curious. In marriage and sex, be curious, not clueless or critical.

If hesitant to do something in sex, move from fear-based "I don't know how" mindset to curious "I wonder" mindset. Replace trying to perform with playing, discovering, exploring.

If spouse pulls away from something during sex, later, ask, "When I did X, you seemed tense. What were you thinking or worried about?"

Getting Started
Giving receptive desire spouse a way of signaling interest can take pressure off. For example, writing a number on 1-10 scale. Initiating desire spouse could also do.

Bring your best self to marriage, as you did when dating, and as you do with work and friends. Don't bring your worst self to marriage, as you don't to other social situations.

Create labels to identify 3 categories: basic cuddling, making out, sex. Create labels for level of sex (from quickie to more involved). Use these labels to discuss what you're aiming for, and come to an agreement. Then, honor that agreement to show respect and self-control, build trust.

When saying no to sex, explain why and offer alternative (e.g., another time).

Try alternative ways of initiating. If you're usually verbal, try non-verbal, and vice versa.

Love the One You’re With
Accept your spouse and marriage as they are (except for abuse and other dangerous situations), and let go of disappointment about how you wish they were. You can't make your spouse change. When you allow something about spouse to keep you from fulfillment, you're choosing to be a victim. Instead, focus on improving yourself, doing what you can to bring change (including setting boundaries), and what you like about your spouse. Try to move from acceptance to enjoyment.

[Andrew · Rating 5 out of 5]

In Secrets of Sex and Marriage, Shaunti Feldhahn and Dr. Michael Sytsma have teamed up to write a book on the topic of sex and how we can create a lasting marriage. The book touched on eight key areas such as: what’s normal for a sex life, how do we fix our problems in the bedroom, why doesn’t our spouse isn’t interested, how we cannot get bored with sex, and much more. The book was conduct as a research study consisting of 5,300 individuals participating in survey questions and interviews. They begin the book by illustrating the importance of oil is to a car and how critical it is to the wellbeing of the car. It is also like how our sexual relationship can be a lubricant in our marriage. In the book, they explored the notice of only having the goal of climaxing together. Studies show that the average time it takes a male is 5.4 minutes and 14 minutes for a female. They also looked at how often people should be having sex and what is normal with other couples. They also shared how there is a correlation between how often people have sex and how happy they are in their marriage. They also revealed the number one question people ask a sex therapist and this is, “why isn’t our spouse as interested in sex as I am”. They explored the roles of if you are a receptive or initiating desire person and how to create a health pattern.





I would recommend this awesome book to anyone who is ready to dive into a book about sex and tips on building a stronger marriage together. I loved how they included many different studies and interviews to get the message across and help us to learn more about our spouses and their needs. I enjoyed the topic of being curious in the marriage and how this is viewed as a superpower to our marriage life. It’s important for us to be open to what matters to our spouse and then later applying what we learn to build our marriage. It’s truly okay to keep learning about our spouse daily and listening and keeping the relationship flesh. Another powerful chapter is about accepting and grieving the disappointments and extending grace and in turn loving our spouse for who they are. This chapter can help us heal and move forward with unmet expectations and this can assist us in growing a strong marriage.










"I received this book free from the publisher, Bethany House/ Chosen for my honest review.”

[TJ · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book's been so helpful and encouraging. In thinking through recommending it to other couples, a few words that come to mind:

• Practical: It's written in a down-to-earth, conversational tone, and addresses the real issues ordinary couples face. Reading and talking it through together, as the authors suggest, is a great way to get honest communication going on a topic that, let's face it, few of us are experts at talking about.
• Compassionate: By acknowledging the truth that there are no perfect couples in this area of life (because none of us are perfect people!), it helps lower our defenses so we can get real.
• Evidence-based: One co-author is a therapist (and pastor!) who's been counseling couples for decades, the other is a researcher who's sifted through a large amount of survey data. The combination of the two perspectives -- again, presented in an accessible way for us non-experts -- inspires confidence in their conclusions. (Also, they handle the information with care - for example, not assuming that correlation means causation, and stressing that "most people" does not equal "all people.")
• Encouraging: There are indeed surprises in the book, and one of the biggest is the feeling it gives that "hey, we can do this." Whatever issues we're dealing with, there are reasonable steps we can take that will help us move from wherever we are now to someplace better.
• Edifying: This word means to build up, and the ideas and suggestions here will tend to build a marriage up.

The authors include a few important caveats. Its primary focus is not on the physical element of sex (see the excellent work by Dr. Douglas Rosenau for that), but mainly on our minds and hearts. Also, they're careful to note that their focus is ordinary marriages, not those in extreme situations that require focused counseling or other interventions.

In summary, this book has the potential to help a lot of marriages, and I pray that it will.

[Steve Hammond · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm a counselor who works with all kinds of couples: conservative and progressive Christians, blended families, marriages on the brink of divorce (usually because of betrayal of trust), and gay and lesbian couples. Oh, and sexually active teens. Is this a good book for all these groups? Potentially, yes! For the faith-based hetero couple, this is a no-brainer -- get the book! It's practical, gives you a peek (statistically) into what happens in the bedroom (like, find out what percentage of couples have/want sex every day). It addresses the question, "Are we normal?"
For relationships hanging on by a thread, or toxic because of betrayal (or differences in values), this book will put some water on the fire, but you'll probably also need professional help. The authors give lists of resources if you need focused sex therapy.
For non-religious couples, I found it refreshing that the authors don't beat you over the head with Bible verses and assume you share their worldview. Now yes, they do quote Scripture, seeking to dispel myths about God, marriage, and sex. Did you know that God designed sex to be pleasurable? But the authors take it further. Sytsma states, "God clearly designed sex for pleasure, but it is richer than just pleasure. If you goal is powerful pleasure, you might have only okay sex; but if your goal is intimate connection and oneness, then great sex is more likely to come along with it."
What about LGBTQ+ folks? I'd say if you are open to spiritual truth in your sexual experience, you will find some insights -- but it will probably feel like you're translating a foreign language, like the book was not written for those who feel "other." Still, for a book from a faith-based perspective, this one comes across as friendly, IMHO. Try the book, and if you don't like it, give it to your cis-het friends.
Bottom line, The Secrets of Sex and Marriage is reassuring, scientifically sound in its research, and practical.

[Anthony R. · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Secrets of Sex and Marriage" is not the be-all-end-all guide to sex. However, it is a delightful resource for couples looking to understand themselves and their partner better sexually. Shaunti Feldhahn brings a wealth of statistical data to this book that serves up numerous surprises. The data also helps to challenge the “we are the only ones” mentality that can often creep into our sex lives. Dr. Michael Systma’s decades of experience as a sex therapist grounds this book in the real sexual questions, struggles, and triumphs of real people! The knowledge gleaned from literally thousands of couples brings a qualitative dimension to this book that informs the data Shaunti Feldhahn draws from her research.

I walked away from this book with a…
• deeper appreciation for how men and women are physically wired for sex.
• better understanding of sexual desire in myself and my spouse.
• deeper awareness of the need for me and my spouse to talk about sex with the aim of mutual pleasure.
• renewed determination to believe the best of my spouse.
• reinforced belief that sex is a glue that strengthens us as a couple while simultaneously serving as a beautiful erotic playground.

In addition to the list, this book also gives the gift of self-awareness. While painful, there is something liberating about self-awareness. In the context of this book, being honest about ourselves sexually gives us the freedom to set a path from where we are to where we want to be.

Toward the end of the book Feldhahn and Systma say, “Making sex good for both partners, and full in both body and spirit, is the ultimate goal of this book.” I love this quote because that “ultimate goal” is reflected throughout this book.

[Amy Morgan · Rating 5 out of 5]

The book, Secrets of Sex & Marriage, written by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn and Michael Sytsma, Ph.D., draws from decades of rigorous research and experience. Michael’s worked as a Christian counselor specializing in sex therapy for married couples for 35 years. The Feldhahns’ research-based relationship books have sold nearly 3 million copies in 26 languages worldwide.
The tone of Secrets of Sex & Marriage is research-informed and direct, yet discreet. There are no detailed descriptions about positions or practices or embarrassing graphics. The authors present their worldview as Christian and biblical, although the book’s tone is not preachy. They target their content to heterosexual married couples.
They ask: Why is sex in marriage important? The answer, “Among couples who are happy with how often they have sex, 94 percent are also happy in their marriage.”
They address misinformation that leaves people believing their (or their spouse’s) level, type of desire, or frequency is wrong, inadequate, or bad in some way. Their goal is to make sex good for both partners.
One practical suggestion of a small, grace-filled practice that will go a long way. Frame and receive a “no” as “the timing is not right,” not a “no” to you personally. And another: Work out a signal between spouses for how to get things started.
Couples who want to dive deeper, address areas of concern or have interest in leading others can find resources at secretsofsexandmarriage.com, including an assessment, a streaming course for couples, resources for those in need, and tools to help pastors, churches, counselors, and other leaders.

[Dr. NeTwaski M. Rochell · Rating 4 out of 5]

My husband and I have been married to each other for 29 years and I can remember prior to our getting married, there was just not a lot of discussion about marriage and sex. Yes, we attended one session of marital counseling prior to getting married, however there certainly was never a blueprint for marriage and sex until now. Secrets of Sex and Marriage is a very well written and phenomenal book that uses a plethora of research to correlate the male and female perspective of marriage and sex while incorporating God’s plan for marriage and sex. This book gives every married couple and other couples as well, the opportunity to learn the true meaning of marriage and sex, the purpose of marriage and sex according to God’s plan, and ways to achieve intimacy and oneness as a couple which the book states is central to God’s nature and heart. While I read that much research was done from both male and female perspectives, as a female I found myself somewhat partial to the idea that couples (male and female) should know how to say and perceive a no as the book suggests. I know that all men and all women are not alike however, after having been married to a man for 29 years, saying no to sex or the idea of refusing sex when a man wants it may lead to other avenues which may complicate marriage and sex even more. Nevertheless, Secrets of Sex and Marriage is definitely a must read for Godly couples who desire to obtain that oneness and intimacy that are central to God’s nature that the book speaks of.

[Kristina H · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a must-read for every married couple. The authors tackle the topic of sex and marriage in such a healthy and inspiring way. I love that it is written from a Christian perspective.

This book will help couples open up their communication about sex in a way they never have. To think so many couples never have these conversations because they feel so awkward. Well, this book provides an empowering invitation to open the doors of communication and gives tips for how to communicate well, without stepping on landmines.

I love that this book is based in research and we get to learn what is really going on in the real world – it’s not like what is portrayed in Hollywood, and that is good news!

As a result of reading this book:
• Couples will see that they are more normal than they may think – no matter what their situation is.
• Couples will get to know each other better.
• Couples will feel a sense of freedom from opening up the conversations this book will start.
• Couples will increase their intimacy.
• Couples will learn healthy ways to communicate their interests and desires to their spouse.
• Couples will learn how to meet each other where they are at and love each other well.
• Couples will improve their sex-life!

There is so much more I could say. Just get the book! Can’t recommend it more!

[Danielle Piper · Rating 5 out of 5]

Couples, no matter one's age, have trouble talking about sex; so says one blog's wisdom published in Jan '23. Simple enough, but how to get couples/us talking?! "Secrets of Sex & Marriage" by Feldhahn & Sytsma gives loads of statistics to show the majority of us can use help in this area, but it then addresses this need beautifully with practical ways for a couple to communicate and interact regarding sex - they even suggest reading this book together as a couple and having dialogue about it. The book illuminates differing types of desire and how to engage a partner not wired for frequency or receptivity as one is, and how a shift in one's thoughts about the sexual relationship with one's spouse can be optimized to strike a better balance. With greater understanding, couples can find ways to make sex more fulfilling for both partners. It all starts with communication. I found the statistics very reassuring in regards to my own marriage, and think you will find this a great guidebook, not only to suss out together where your relationship might need assistance, but in helping to find a vision for all it could be - to "lean in, be curious," and find "that delightful, playful, rich, intimate life with our spouse!"

[Dina Clarke · Rating 5 out of 5]

Being married for 30+ years, I would have told you I know everything about my husband and how he feels, thinks, (and thinks some more) about sex. This book proved me wrong.

Secrets of Sex and Marriage is a much needed and well-written guide on sex within the context of Christian marriage. It has opened up conversations about sex that have helped my husband and me better understand each other and communicate about our different types and levels of desire, for example. Learning how we are wired differently and learning to put words on those things has led to greater understanding and connection.

This quote from the book sums it up:
“The differences between us don’t need to be obstacles; they can be wonderful opportunities to understand one another and deepen marital - not just sexual - intimacy in a profound way.” (Pg 96)

My husband and I are learning to speak life into these areas and in the process finding more connection and oneness. This book is written by experts in the field and based on real research. I found it easy to read and understand. It’s insightful and practically helpful. And it has fired me up about creating an even healthier sex life!

If you and your spouse long to move from “disconnection to delight,” this book is for you!

[John Gelvin · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am busy. I know that you are busy. This is one subject that we all know “enough” about. Or, do we?
It’s easy for me to think that I know enough to deal with this segment of my life and my spouse believes that we are doing great! Why read?
I can humbly say that there were so many items, issues and subjects deeply discussed in this great book that really opened my eyes. I was truly blessed while reading this well written book!
There are too many studies to count as well as so many facts provided that have already begun to bless my marriage.
I’m excited that my wife has begun reading this book as well. This book encourages couples to read this book together and has numerous items for heart opening discussions. We will continue to dive deeper into real intimacy as our marriage continues to grow. We thank Shaunti Feldhahn and Michael Sytsma for digging deep and writing Secrets of Sex & Marriage which has already deepened and strengthened our marriage.
I encourage anyone who is married or planning on getting married to get this book, grab a good drink and learn from the wisdom of these great authors!

[Luke Arthur · Rating 5 out of 5]

Rather than a cheesy ‘self-help’ list, I was impressed that this book both 1) educates couples on various psychological or physiological reasons that they may be encountering sexual dissatisfaction and 2) provides practical guidance on how to actually begin addressing the issues as a team.

The book dispels many myths and unhealthy narratives about ‘a normal sex life.’ I was glad to see that the authors utilized recent scientific research while also drawing from anecdotes from Dr, Sytsma’s own experiences as a seasoned sex therapist.

The authors’ therapeutic style guides readers through these complex topics with nuance, rather than using shame or overly simplistic answers. For example, the authors explain how there are VARIOUS types of sexual desire, such as initiating and receptive desire. It's also easy to read!

I’m going to recommend this book to many of my marital therapy patients because it equips readers with accurate information and reveals the specific ‘good questions’ that lead to insight one’s own sex life.

[Jocelyn Wynveen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I believe this book will help many couples see that their differences in the area of intimacy can absolutely be worked through together. One thing I found very helpful was that Shaunti Feldhahn and Dr. Michael Sytsma introduce 3 types of desire, and how to work together to meet one another's needs when you have a differing type than your spouse. A phrase that stuck out to me was that having a different type of desire from your spouse is just different, NOT deficient! Having a marriage speaker/researcher and sex therapist write a book together was brilliant! This book has 3 years worth of research behind it, and it shows. Combining statistics and the expertise of Dr. Michael Sytsma gives me the confidence that what they are sharing in the book is relevant and can be implemented in most relationships. If you are struggling and not on the same page with your sexual relationship, buy this book!!

[Christen Friedrich · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have been a fan of Shaunti Feldhahn’s writing and research for years. When offered the opportunity to be a part of the launch team for her latest book, written with Dr. Michael Sytsma, I jumped at the chance. Secrets of Sex & Marriage: 8 Surprises That Make All the Difference, is a practical guide for marriages of any length, that will help you and your spouse better understand one another and your needs and desires for intimacy. It answers many questions that couples have, but are perhaps too afraid to ask, with solid research that is written in an easy to understand format. “Are we normal?” “Why does my spouse want more sex than I do?” “How do I communicate openly with my spouse about my needs?” This is NOT a sex manual, but rather a guide to creating true intimacy in your marriage. Whether you have been married for five months, five years, or thirty-five years, your marriage will benefit from the insightful research and practical advice contained in this book.

[Joey Putnam · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is such a great book – an authentic, well-researched, and practical perspective on Sex and Marriage. Shaunti Feldhahn and Dr. Mike Sytsma have crafted an easy read that addresses the questions on the minds of most married couples. We loved learning about sexual desire differences and how to come together to light the spark that every marriage needs and wants. The best part is the common language and perspective to discuss a sensitive topic openly. Dr. Mike’s many years as a Christian sex therapist and Shaunti’s love for all things research combine to create a masterpiece of experience and tools that you can apply to your own intimate marriage relationship. Couples will enjoy the information, tips, and learning that can make their marriage and sex life all that God intends it to be. Highly recommend!

Joey & Lisa - Passionate about Christian Marriage

[KBtz · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve read some of Mrs Feldhan’s earlier books but the addition of Dr Sytsma with this one made all the difference. His experience and perspective took it to a whole new level. This book discusses what the authors found as they surveyed couples about sex. They state right at the beginning they’re going to replace old wrong assumptions with right ones. They use statistics and stories of many couples’ struggles and success, always taking care to emphasize that there is no right formula or right way for everyone. Instead, they try to help a couple connect on a deep level, give them tools and allow the sexual aspect of their marriage to grow. It’s easy to read and practical. Encourages the reader to connect with their spouse. It conveyed to me a genuine desire to help me grow. I loved it and have already recommended it to several friends

[Judi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Will refer to it over and over again! Written from a Christian perspective by a social researcher and a licensed professional counselor and certified sex therapist, this book has practical advice coupled with real-world examples backed up by current research. As a counselor who is a senior citizen and has been married for over 30 years, I have found this book to be exactly what is needed in helping couples of all types to become better connected in body and spirit. From describing how desire levels typically vary between partners to explaining the importance of curiosity and playfulness, I will use this book in helping couples discover how to have more satisfying sex and more fulfilling partnerships.

[Scott Maclean · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was eagerly awaiting this release as I've read Shaunti's other books and had heard about the ongoing research for this volume. The book is easily readable and has clear concepts with practical examples. Being almost 60 and married for almost 30 years, I know there can be pitfalls with a subject that can be so different for many people. I appreciated Dr. Sytsma's opening note and both author's appropriate caveats throughout. They presented their research and concepts, and also demonstrated significant care for their readers who may need to address additional issues in their relationships. I very much enjoyed the book and found it affirming of much of the wisdom I've learned over the years. Thank you Shaunti and Dr. Sytsma!

[Brian King · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book about sex. But it keeps sex in the proper place; as a part of a loving marriage relationship. It seeks to enhance sexuality by placing it in the context of all the factors within marriage such as emotions, needs, etc. It is liberating in that it allows for variances that can often inhibit the sexual relationship, thereby creating a space for couples to enjoy each other without having to compare themselves to what is considered "normal." In short, this is a book that can and should be enjoyed by those who are married - and by those who seek to help those who are married. It is completely relevant to those in either group!

[Carol Sytsma · Rating 5 out of 5]

We are so proud of the contents of this book.
The book is attractive and easy to hold as you are reading.
There are plenty of get acquainted words on both the authors sharing their burden for helping couples on their journey of marriage.
In our society today each chapter is needed to help any interested in making their personal life better and at the same time staying close to God’s plan. It is so practical with ideas on thriving to be a better mate and still know we are okay where we are in our learning. I appreciated much the words reminding us that different desires do not need to pull us apart but become a tool of learning together as a couple.

[Chris · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you are the kind of person who desires more for your marriage relationship, then I highly recommend this book, Secrets of Sex and Marriage: 8 Surprises That Make All the Difference by Shaunti Feldhahn and Dr. Michael Sytsma. They have an artful way of writing with practical examples and coming from a place of Truth. In this resource, you will see how to go from disconnection to delight. You gain ideas on how to intimately understand your spouse and create the marriage the way it was meant to be. Whether you are just starting out in your marriage journey or have been married for years, you will benefit from reading and applying the Secrets of Sex and Marriage.