Learning by Accident

by Rosemary Rawlins

On a sunny spring day, in an ordinary kitchen, Rosemary answers an unexpected phone call. A car has hit her husband, Hugh. Rosemary arrives at the hospital just in time to see him before he's rushed into surgery. Thinking of their twin daughters, Rosemary pleads with her unconscious husband as he lies on a gurney. "Don't you leave me Hugh Rawlins. Anna and Mary need you. I love you." Overwhelmed, but determined to bring Hugh back home, Rosemary leans on family and friends as Hugh endures two emergency brain surgeries, a coma, and a confused awakening. When he finally opens his eyes, his vacant stare, the absence of his soul, hits her like a jab in the chest. She moves alongside his bed as he travels from the ICU to the medical surgical floor, and then to the acute brain rehab center, shepherding her two girls while trying to suppress the implosion of her own heart. Everything Rosemary learns about brain injury shocks her system anew. A large chunk of Hugh's skull has been removed and put on ice in the hospital freezer. Hugh, once an athletic business executive, needs to relearn the most basic activities like brushing his teeth and putting on his clothes in the right order. He has no short-term memory, and a myriad of symptoms she has never heard before: pocketing, left neglect, and loss of executive function. With his strong character, management salary, and athletic resilience, Hugh once supported the family in nearly every way. Rosemary's task of holding their lives together while helping him heal feels daunting enough, but she cannot counsel or lean on the one person she needs most-her husband. Through a series of episodes, from heart-rending to ridiculous, Rosemary and her teenage daughters play out their lives in a cyclone of uncertainty. Hugh is a different man, yet oddly the same stubborn husband she remembers. Rosemary tells a friend she's having an affair without cheating on her husband. Slowly, Hugh's athletic tenacity resurfaces as he achieves a remarkable recovery, but Rosemary unravels from constant stress, somehow sure that disaster lurks around every corner. Hugh is getting better. Why is Rosemary falling apart? Learning by Accident is a heartwarming story of family love and commitment, and the secondary trauma that remains with caregivers after all the hard work is done. Touching and triumphant, Learning by Accident celebrates how shedding fear and starting over can lead to peace, and in that place of peace, possibilities appear, and lives flourish.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Neuroscience

318 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2011

About the author

Released 11/19
"All My Silent Years"

A story of sisterhood, survival, and belonging set in Cambodia in the 1970's. Heartbreakingly real, Sokha's story sheds light on the universal impulse to return home--and to explore what 'home' means to each of us.

Now in paperback and Kindle on Amazon


LEARNING BY ACCIDENT has been picked up by Skyhorse Publishing and is currently available in hardcover and on Audible.

Rosemary Rawlins is the author of Learning by Accident, an inspirational memoir about learning and growing from adversity through the experience of caring for her husband after a near-fatal bike crash. Rosemary has written over one hundred blog posts on BrainLine.org, an award winning WETA multimedia site and is the former Editor of BrainLine Blogs.

Reviews

[Grace · Rating 4 out of 5]

Disclaimer
I wanted to read Rosemary's book Learning by Accident for research on all aspects of brain injuries. Rosemary's book was to serve as a starting point for me to understand the caregiver's role and the stress they undergo, but it turned out to be so much more than that. First off, I am reviewing an ARC copy before it's released. However, I'm under no obligation to give a good review to help sell the book, just an honest one. Secondly, while I learnt what a caregiver goes through after a brain injury, I also got insight into the whole medical and rehabilitation process.

Story
This is Rosemary's story that starts April 13th, 2002 with a heart-wrenching scene of her husband's accident. Over the first 50 pages you get the feeling that you are there. You see the accident, you feel the pain of uncertainty when the doctors give their initial, reserved prognosis, you feel angry that it happened in the first place, but more angry that the driver that hit Hugh didn't even care that she ruined a life.

After the first 50 pages or so,it's like a whirlwind adventure where you're crying for their loss one minute, cheering on their feats the next. I found myself cheering every time Hugh pushed past his limitations, groaning every time there was a setback. I could feel the turmoil that Rosemary was going through watching her best friend, lover and soulmate struggle to get back to a place where he felt alive.

The most disturbing part of this book for me was not reading the emotional details of the accident, but the appalling way that our justice system let the reckless driver off the hook with nothing more than a settlement. It's horrifying to know that someone can flippantly run over someone, nearly killing them but destroying their lives and they won't have to pay fines, go to some sort of rehabilitation, or anything.

Thoughts
It had to have taken a lot of courage to write this book. It's very emotionally raw; you can feel every panic attack, every sense of foreboding, and every joy equally. Yet, at the same time you're feeling these feelings along with Rosemary, you're also sensing hope that is moving just under the surface carrying her and her family along through the tribulations.

During this book I learnt what it meant to truly care about someone and work with them through even a devastating brain injury. I also learnt the remarkable powers of the brain -- I would not have thought that Hugh could recover as he did, but then again, he blew everyone away. I think it has a large part to do with the family's determination to work through it, their friend's determination to help out, and Hugh's and Rosemary's dedication to getting through it and being happy on the other side.

Learning by Accident is a truly inspiring book that shows the value of life, love, hope, family, and friends. It's made all the more inspiring because it's true.

[Sahana Sudarshan · Rating 4 out of 5]

A true story about a family's journey following a traumatic accident. It's a heart warming narration of one man's recovery from a traumatic brain injury (TBI) and the ripple impact it had on the lives of those close to him. This book is written by his wife. To me it is a love story .. the love of a wife, of a husband, of a father, of kids, of parents, of friends.
It's written in a narrative style with date references for the benefit of others fighting similar uphill battles. Post the accident, Rosemary Rawlins had asked friends and family members to share their thoughts with Hugh Rawlins for him to read. In each chapter of the book, she shares with the readers these messages. These, coupled with the writing style puts the reader right in the middle of the happenings as though you were experiencing these emotions yourself.

[William · Rating 5 out of 5]

Deja-Vu, since I suffered this same fate many years ago! Except I was the TBI victim. This gave me a much greater understanding of how my injury affected my family, and the circumstances were eerily similar as far as the severity of the brain injury. I too, had quite a miraculous recovery, but my marriage didn't have the same outcome.

[Vernon Jr. · Rating 5 out of 5]

From the first page to the last, Rosemary Rawlins takes you on an emotional and inspirational journey as she faces the biggest challenge of her life. Her husband was in a terrible accident and faced a traumatic brain injury that tested not only his resolve but the family's as well. Rawlins tells the story of her ups and downs as she tries to find a way to take care of husband, tend to the needs of her daughters, and try to keep herself together. From her state of being F.I.N.E. (read the book to find out what it stands for) to discovering a strength within her to not only bring her husband back to health but to find things about herself she'd never known. I highly recommend this book.

[Rhonda Lomazow · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a brutally honest memoir of Rosemary Hugh &their twin daughters.Rosemary life changed in one second when she picked up the phone &was told to rush to the hospital.her husband Hugh an avid biker had been hit by a car while out for a ride &suffered a horrible brain,injury.How this family rallied around Hugh how the friends&neighbors surrounded them with love &help.Watching Rosemary handle every trauma every decision & watching the miracle of Hugh fighting to recover.A book you will never forget.

[Meryan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book.If you really want to know the ups and downs in the lives of a TBI patient and his familys life,this book will take you through it all.Just when you think the sun is finally coming out the other side there are more setbacks,how they manage to get through it,and with a sense of humor and themselves still intact is remarkable.I can't tell you how the spirit of this family moves me,and with our vets reaturning everyday with the same type of injuries it gives me a whole new respecet for thier caregivers.You all deserve a special place in Heaven.Thanks to you all.

[Steph · Rating 4 out of 5]

I won this book on the Goodreads giveaways. I signed up for it because it sounded like an inspiring story. Wow I could not put this down. It was such a honest and inspiring store of a guy who recovers from a TBI. I would recommend this book.

[Kayla · Rating 4 out of 5]

*I received this in a goodreads giveaway*
This book was incredible! It's crazy to think how a brain injury can impact a person for the rest of their life. Hugh's wife was so brave to drop everything to take care of him after his biking accident. I highly recommend this book.

[Ashley · Rating 5 out of 5]

I won this book as a Goodreads giveaway.

Rawlins' book is painful honest and authentic in the best possible way. Her writing is riveting, true and engaging all while remaining informative. I would highly recommend this book.

[Nanci · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic book! Anyone who knows someone with a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) or would just like to read an uplifting true story about the goodness of people, or is a cyclist will greatly enjoy this book. Especially interesting if you live in Richmond, VA, as this is where the story takes place.

[Susan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wonderful account of loving someone while he heals.

[Melissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Easy and captivating read! The kind of book you just can't put down!

[Holly · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found this book on my shelf. I have no idea where I got it. Imagine my surprise when I start reading about this family from Glen Allen, VA, the place where I lived for my first eight years in Richmond. At the time of her husband's accident, she was about the age I am now. The age where you get to worrying about what would happen if something serious happened to your spouse. Rosemary Rawlins walks you through exactly what would happen and she doesn't sugar coat it. While this was not the most polished piece of writing I have ever read, it was raw and authentic, really compelling. Plus, I seemed to have these odd little connections to the author, like we grew up in the same little town on Long Island. She has two daughters, I have two daughters. One tragic move and her story could be my story, but perhaps not such a happy ending.

[Georgiana R · Rating 5 out of 5]

I couldn’t put this book down! The true story of what happened to Hugh was horrific and made me feel every emotion imaginable. Yes, I cried. But then as Rosemary fought for him so lovingly my admiration for her grew and grew. Both Hugh and Rosemary deserve way more readers than this book has had. It’s so difficult to write a review without spoilers other than to say I’d recommend this book to anyone who has suffered a TBI or anyone who has had a loved one suffer a TBI. At the very same time this book also would help chronic pain sufferers and their carers.
There is a true love story within this book. Not a “days of our lives” dribble, but the love of two people genuinely in love.

That one woman - how does she live with herself after what she did :( ? How?

[Dominique Dibbell · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this account of one family's experience of traumatic brain injury riveting. Rosemary Rawlins writes in a warm, accessible, honest way that I found very touching. Even though I have not gone through TBI, I could somehow relate it to other struggles my family goes through. I was so inspired by the Rawlins family's resilience, optimism, and love. I recommend this for anyone who's been thrown one of life's curve balls and is looking for inspiration on how to adapt. I reserve 5 stars for masterpieces.

[Hilary Cockshaw · Rating 5 out of 5]

Audiobook

[Pamela Burdick · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a good book, I looked forward and dreaded reading this simultaneously. Many of the experiences this author had after the traumatic brain injury her husband suffered mirrored my family's experience. Her husband spent time in the hospital and had a visual head injury, in some ways, I feel that gave her more support and access to more information on head injuries. She also had more vacation time and insurance than we did, which is a difference.

The fact that everyone (friends and family) knew what her family was going through due to her husbands hospital stay, may have been helpful for us. People saw him struggle in a hospital bed while ours was borne out in our home. It makes me think about the differences and how we got to where we are.

It was great to hear her experience, her break down after her husband started to come back to himself. I couldn't articulate that for myself, it doesn't make sense, but this book helped me see it's normal for caregivers.

There are a few quotes. "I see more and more how the world now seems divided in two: those who understand brain injury and those who don't. Society as a whole does not understand the lifelong effects of TBI... once a person begins to look better, it's assumed he is well." So true, this is not a smooth journey.

Also "sit, sit, sit in the car, wait, wait sit in doctors offices, keep kids busy, etc.". I can't even begin to guess the hours and times and miles spent trying to help him.

The other main difference she and I had is her daughters were older, so she had some problems managing noise levels, I had younger boys on summer vacation, it was horrible. I still catch myself automatically trying to keep everyone quiet when dad is home. I wish there was more in the book about how her daughters fared, but I am sure the book was written with their privacy in mind. My kids got lost in the shuffle like hers did for awhile.

I think what made the book so helpful was "I don't know myself anymore. Try as I might to live in the now the past year has sealed me whole. It has robbed my nature and left me feeling brittle and uncertain."

Knowing that the person caring for the injured has pain separate and on a different time table helped a lot. She was diagnosed with PTSD, I certainly can relate. She got shingles as her husband hit a big plateau, I got whooping cough.

Trying to protect the person you love and shield your kids and the stress and the worry are like riding a crazy ship without a captain. When the ship started to hit plateaus of smooth sea, my legs kept looking for the storm. The hardest part is moving on with a new normal and trust the sea is calmer. This book helped a lot. Thank you for your story, the ability to read something and say "me too" is such a gift.

[Mac · Rating 5 out of 5]

Rosemary Rawlins’s memoir "Learning By Accident" is the story of a wife and mother whose life is changed in the blink of an eye when her husband Hugh is struck by a car while riding his bike, suffering a traumatic brain injury. Rosemary learns that while Hugh may have survived his crash, putting their lives back together is a journey of miles and not inches as she tirelessly attends to his recovery efforts.

The book starts as a journal of events that Rosemary keeps in order to update Hugh when he wakes up from his coma. She chronicles every aspect of their story with the same level of dedication and perseverance that she showed in her care for Hugh after his injury.

The book is broken up into short, easily digested chapters that frequently begin with quotes from letters to Rosemary and Hugh from relatives and friends. It's an easy read and one that Rawlins has set at a perfect pace to keep you from putting it down. I was up until past one o'clock in the morning the night I finished it because I couldn't go to sleep until I was done.

"Learning By Accident" is intimate and the emotional range is wide. Of course there is powerful sadness in a book about someone recovering from a traumatic brain injury but it's surprising how funny it can also be. Anyone who has cared for a sick or injured loved one knows that there is humor but it's the kind of humor that only YOU can laugh at. As Hugh recovers he makes confused remarks and you feel comfortable laughing because you're viewing him through such a loving and supportive lens. Reading this story from Rosemary's perspective makes you feel like a part of the family, and family is allowed to laugh because we're trying to stave off the sorrow.

Rosemary's journey runs counter to Hugh's for most of the story; as he progresses out of the cloudy darkness of confusion and struggle she slips deeper into exhaustion and frustration and fatigue. You can feel her become more careworn on every page she she carries her family through this world-shattering event, but she never gives up.

"Learning By Accident" is an incredible story about an incredible family, the kind of family that holds each other up when things are as bad as they can be, the kind of family that doesn't quit when the going gets tough, it's a story about a man learning to let his family provide for him after so many years of providing for them, it's a story about love and friendship and recovery, it's a story about a family that you wish you were a part of, and in the end you feel like you've become a part of that family.

FFO: Bicycles, helmets, the power of love, cathartic crying.

[Jenni Ogden · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a brave and honest book about a family's journey through the first two years of severe traumatic brain injury (TBI). The lives of the author, Rosemary Rawlins, and her two amazing young daughters, change in a second when Rosemary's husband, Hugh, is thrown from his bike, battering his his brain. This family was blessed with close and supportive family and friends, work colleagues, and excellent therapists. They had insurance to cover months of expensive hospitalization and rehabilitation requirements, and disability insurance to keep them financially afloat. Reading what they went through as Hugh took one small step at a time, is sobering, especially when one realizes how much more difficult it must be for those families without these extensive support and financial networks. But even here, it is only because of Rosemary's persistence in maintaining those networks, and keeping faith in her husband's ability to recover, that there is a happy ending. Hugh's recovery is truly remarkable, and highlights the most important tenant of recovery from TBI: it may slow, it may plateau, it may even backtrack at times, but with hard work, hope, continuing support, care for the caregivers as well as the TBI person, and perseverance, the brain will continue to recover. An epilogue written 6 years after Hugh's TBI gives wonderful hope, as this engaging family frolics once more in the surf at their new beach house. For Rosemary, writing the story was therapeutic, and reading it will be therapeutic as well as informative for anyone who has someone in their lives who has suffered a TBI, a stroke, or any other debilitating brain disorder.

[Jan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the true story of how Rosemary and Hugh Rawlins rebuilt their marriage after he suffered a traumatic brain injury that almost killed him. Rosemary's details--hospital scenes, emails and cards from friends, therapy sessions--are described so vividly that I felt like a member of the family--my heart breaking as they suffered through so much pain, confusion, and fear. But unlike so many stories of brain trauma, theirs has a happy ending. Hugh was eventually able to resume professional work as well as cycling and surfing, Rosemary learned to rise above her crippling fear and anxiety, and their marriage, while much changed, deepened and solidified. This book is also a great testimony to the dozens of friends and family members who gave love not just in words and feelings but in thousands of errands and chores done, meals cooked, children chauffeured, and tears wiped. And it shows the skill and caring of all the professionals who played a part in Hugh and Rosemary's recovery--hospital staff, rehab counselors, therapists of all kinds. This book will make you cry, but it will also make you feel grateful, hopeful, and aware of the ways we all can find the strength to rise above adversity.

[Susan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a wonderful read! It was well-written and very interesting. The story itself is gripping. If you know someone or might ever meet anyone with a traumatic brain injury (TBI), it is a must read. However, even if you you never meet anyone with a TBI, this is a great read.

Originally, I decided to try it because I thought I should read it. However, I was hooked right away. I didn't want to put it down.

[Pat Stanford · Rating 3 out of 5]

Fairly well written with good dialogue to break up the monotony of the day to day battles needed to be a caregiver for a brain injured person. Author came across as a bit overbearig but again, even that is understandable dealing with this. Dealing with brain injury is not for wimps and this couple was very fortunate in that the husband fully recovered enough to hold a job.
A very good read for a limited audience.

[Julia Nixon · Rating 5 out of 5]

I had the privilege of hearing Rosemary Rawlins speak a couple of years ago when she captured the attention of the audience with the story of her family's struggle after her husband received severe brain injury from a bicycle accident. The book captures the readers attention just as forcefully as her speech. However, the book was hard for me to read at times because because I know I cannot look forward to my husband's situation to get better.

[Nicole Bingaman · Rating 5 out of 5]

Rosemary gives a realistic perspective of life immediately after traumatic brain injury. I valued her candor in sharing all aspects of her family's story. I found myself crying with, laughing with, and most of all feeling with Rosemary as she shared her heart.

Until the end of the book I was cheering Rosemary, Hugh and their twin daughters on. And today I continue to do so.

[Liz Fidler · Rating 4 out of 5]

The author of this book came & spoke to our bookclub!
She is from Richmond Va and so much of the book took place in familiar
surroundings - it is just the most amazing story of an awful experience
and how she and her husband survived it. Read this book!!

[Kate]

Mechanicsville woman deals with her husband's traumatic brain injry.

[Adam Wahlberg · Rating 5 out of 5]

Love this book! Such a soulful story and such helpful insights.