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Dan Starkey #8
Nine Inches
Dan Starkey, the ducking and diving hapless investigator, takes centre stage again in this brilliant new novel by the master of comic crime. Radio shock-jock and self-styled people's champion Jack Caramac is used to courting controversy - but when his four-year-old son is kidnapped for just one hour, and then sent back with a warning note, he knows he may have finally gone too far. Jack has no choice but to turn to Dan Starkey for help. Recently chucked by his long-suffering wife Patricia, Dan has finally given up on journalism and is now providing a boutique, bespoke service for important people with difficult problems. Dan resolves to catch whoever kidnapped Jack's son - and very soon finds himself in the middle of a violent feud between rival drug gangs, pursued by jealous husbands, unscrupulous property developers and vicious killers as the case spirals ever more out of his control...
416 pages, Paperback
First published October 11, 2011
12 people are currently reading
204 people want to read
About the author
Colin Bateman
76 books353 followersColin Bateman was a journalist in Northern Ireland before becoming a full-time writer. His first novel, Divorcing Jack, won the Betty Trask Prize, and all his novels have been critically acclaimed. He wrote the screenplays for the feature films of Divorcing Jack, Crossmaheart and Wild About Harry. He lives in Northern Ireland with his family.
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Displaying 1 - 29 of 29 reviews
August 22, 2025
Dan Starkey was a well-known journalist in the Belfast of the 80’s. Now he has set himself up as “a boutique, bespoke service for important people with difficult problems”. In other words, an upmarket private eye. He is consulted by a journalist colleague from the past, Jack Caramac, who is now the very well-known presenter of a radio chat show, which highlights crime and corruption and defends the weak and helpless. Jack’s young son has been kidnapped for one hour. Although the child has been returned unharmed, Jack wants Dan to find out who took him, and why.
The difficulty for Dan is that the likely candidates are legion, as every edition of Jack’s show earns him more enemies. Dan’s personal problems also impede his efficiency (all self-inflicted). He is living apart from his wife, Patricia, whom he claims he adores and longs to get back together with. She has kicked him out and doesn’t want him back, for which she can hardly be blamed, as he is sleeping regularly with a barmaid from his local, the Bob Shaw.
Dan’s deepest suspicions about the kidnap lie in the direction of the Miller brothers, who are officially in charge of the UVF, but in reality are the most vicious bunch of thugs and racketeers you could ever meet on a dark night. They have recently been trying to persuade the widow of a former gang rival of theirs, Jean Murray, to move out of her house in the Shankhill Road. The persuasion has included shooting her teenage son Bobby, resulting in the loss of one of his legs.
Jack has been speaking out in her defence on his radio show. Dan recklessly decides to go and face up to the Millers in their HQ, as he believes he will be able to talk them into leaving the Murrays alone because of the information he has on their drug dealing, and he hopes to get some more information about the kidnap. The immediate result is that the Murrays’house is burnt down with Jean inside it. In the meantime Jack tells Dan that he needn’t continue with the enquiry into the kidnapping, and pays him off.
Dan is determined to carry on anyway, with some assistance from Jack’s wife Tracey, with whom he has a history. Bobby Murray escaped the fire, and Dan is determined to protect him. Bobby is a most unappealing little brat, but Dan succeeds in persuading his ex-wife Trish to give him board and lodging for a short while, and even finds him a job with a friendly butcher.
The plot thickens considerably as Dan discovers that the Millers’ drugs racket extends as far as the Stormont Assembly. Well written with some laugh out loud moments too!
The difficulty for Dan is that the likely candidates are legion, as every edition of Jack’s show earns him more enemies. Dan’s personal problems also impede his efficiency (all self-inflicted). He is living apart from his wife, Patricia, whom he claims he adores and longs to get back together with. She has kicked him out and doesn’t want him back, for which she can hardly be blamed, as he is sleeping regularly with a barmaid from his local, the Bob Shaw.
Dan’s deepest suspicions about the kidnap lie in the direction of the Miller brothers, who are officially in charge of the UVF, but in reality are the most vicious bunch of thugs and racketeers you could ever meet on a dark night. They have recently been trying to persuade the widow of a former gang rival of theirs, Jean Murray, to move out of her house in the Shankhill Road. The persuasion has included shooting her teenage son Bobby, resulting in the loss of one of his legs.
Jack has been speaking out in her defence on his radio show. Dan recklessly decides to go and face up to the Millers in their HQ, as he believes he will be able to talk them into leaving the Murrays alone because of the information he has on their drug dealing, and he hopes to get some more information about the kidnap. The immediate result is that the Murrays’house is burnt down with Jean inside it. In the meantime Jack tells Dan that he needn’t continue with the enquiry into the kidnapping, and pays him off.
Dan is determined to carry on anyway, with some assistance from Jack’s wife Tracey, with whom he has a history. Bobby Murray escaped the fire, and Dan is determined to protect him. Bobby is a most unappealing little brat, but Dan succeeds in persuading his ex-wife Trish to give him board and lodging for a short while, and even finds him a job with a friendly butcher.
The plot thickens considerably as Dan discovers that the Millers’ drugs racket extends as far as the Stormont Assembly. Well written with some laugh out loud moments too!
September 3, 2014
Excellent light fiction. Another Dan Starkey story. Better than Divorcing Jack (and I'm very fond of Divorcing Jack). Funny, sad, and you have to keep reading to the end.
March 16, 2019
I absolutely loved this book. It actually made me laugh out loud which is quite infrequent these days. I am a big fan of Colin Bateman's Irish humour anyhow as it is second to none. Highly entertaining story and great characters as usual.
August 5, 2024
This is a Bateman; the man who lost his first name. It will consist of funny, sarcastic men of dubious morality trying to do the right thing and fucking up a bunch of things along the way.
The prose will be light and violent with smatterings of whimsy. A love interest will probably be involved.
Characters and not just the literary kind will trail and intersect with the story and be integral to the plot.
The plot will have been designed to show maximum chaos but will fit together by the end.
You will probably be amused. It is perfect for a medium range flight or reading while you are forced to go to an overly long opera.
Is this one any different than another? Would you go to a comedians new show?
The prose will be light and violent with smatterings of whimsy. A love interest will probably be involved.
Characters and not just the literary kind will trail and intersect with the story and be integral to the plot.
The plot will have been designed to show maximum chaos but will fit together by the end.
You will probably be amused. It is perfect for a medium range flight or reading while you are forced to go to an overly long opera.
Is this one any different than another? Would you go to a comedians new show?
January 27, 2018
My first Colin Bateman novel, and won't be the last. I haven't laughed so much while reading a novel in years. I had two minor gripes, with both mistakes occurring right near the end during the raid on the Millers. Maxi was followed by Maxi up the stairs, and one of the firearms used was a "semiautomatic" revolver. There is no such thing. The editing error may be restricted to the Windsor Paragon large print edition I read.
November 22, 2022
After his journalistic career has cratered, Dan Starkey begins a new career as a bespoke solver of difficult problems (not a private eye!). Amazing book filled with infidelity, social issues, corruption, terror, etc. but laced with humor. Highest recommendation! Remember to shop your local, independent bookstores. They need your support.
January 22, 2020
Very unbelievable thriller set in Belfast, if it was so easy to kill the gang leaders there would never have been problems in Ireland. He has written a lot if books, some with the Dan Starkey character, OK to read but better available
September 17, 2020
The long-awaited return of Dan Starkey in a comical crime caper in the traditional Bateman style. Dan helps Jack Caramac (a barely disguised Stephen Nolan) by investigating a threat against his family. Which gets him embroiled in a vicious internal dispute within the UVF. Which leads into political and Police corruption. Probably not to everybody's taste or sense of humour. But it works for me.
Reader Advisory: contains a lot of swearing (reflecting the everyday reality of Northern Ireland, where the f-word is a standard means of communicating emphasis).
Reader Advisory: contains a lot of swearing (reflecting the everyday reality of Northern Ireland, where the f-word is a standard means of communicating emphasis).
December 7, 2020
good funny
July 8, 2021
Great fun, an Irish rollicking tale. Would like to read more of this author but they are too old for the library.
April 22, 2022
Had some lol moments with this will look for others in series
December 18, 2025
This is good. Entertaining and witty.
October 12, 2019
I actually liked Bateman’s writing style - it has humor all throughout. Although this is sort of a mystery/crime novel, it is often light and filled with candor, sarcasm, and humor as is the character of Dan Starkey. This made me quite interested to actually read the other Starkey novels. :)
March 12, 2015
The very best writers don’t rely on just one character throughout their entire career, simply because it means that if the character goes a little stale, you have nowhere to go. Better to be an Agatha Christie and have two or three avenues to follow should you grow bored of writing about an inquisitive pensioner or a European PI. Colin Bateman is a brilliant writer who produces standalone novels and character books. For a few years he concentrated on his new Mystery Man character, but by book three things were getting a little stale. Enter Dan Starkey once more to cleanse the palette and remind fans why this author is one of the best.
It’s been several years since we last saw Starkey and in his normal fashion he has managed to destroy all the goodwill he gained when editing ‘Belfast Confidential’. Now he is a somewhat PI with no clients and no money. So, when a rich former friend turns up with a case, Dan is the Man without a plan (but a desperate need for cash). This being Starkey, a simple case turns into one of murder, mayhem and a missing legs.
‘Nine Inches’ is a great reminder to fans of Bateman of why the author is so good and he should not be underestimated. The book is effortlessly funny, but is also scary at times as there is real violence on show. You never know in Bateman’s books who will live or die; he is not adverse to a shock or two. ‘Nine’ is set in the modern Northern Ireland, but many of the old problems still exist. It is wonderful to see Starkey butting heads with gangsters and politicians alike to get to a truth that no one really cares about anymore.
Creating an anti-hero like Starkey is no easy task – I have read so many and few succeed. Dan is unlikable, a cheat, a stirrer and pretty charmless at times. However, he is also very funny and says some of the things most people wish they had the stones to say. With laugh out loud moments, real heart and some genuine thrills; ‘Nine Inches’ is a welcome return for Dan Starkey and one of Bateman’s best (and this is an author who has been writing great crime fiction for 20 years)
Sammy Recommendation
It’s been several years since we last saw Starkey and in his normal fashion he has managed to destroy all the goodwill he gained when editing ‘Belfast Confidential’. Now he is a somewhat PI with no clients and no money. So, when a rich former friend turns up with a case, Dan is the Man without a plan (but a desperate need for cash). This being Starkey, a simple case turns into one of murder, mayhem and a missing legs.
‘Nine Inches’ is a great reminder to fans of Bateman of why the author is so good and he should not be underestimated. The book is effortlessly funny, but is also scary at times as there is real violence on show. You never know in Bateman’s books who will live or die; he is not adverse to a shock or two. ‘Nine’ is set in the modern Northern Ireland, but many of the old problems still exist. It is wonderful to see Starkey butting heads with gangsters and politicians alike to get to a truth that no one really cares about anymore.
Creating an anti-hero like Starkey is no easy task – I have read so many and few succeed. Dan is unlikable, a cheat, a stirrer and pretty charmless at times. However, he is also very funny and says some of the things most people wish they had the stones to say. With laugh out loud moments, real heart and some genuine thrills; ‘Nine Inches’ is a welcome return for Dan Starkey and one of Bateman’s best (and this is an author who has been writing great crime fiction for 20 years)
Sammy Recommendation
May 15, 2013
Colin Bateman can always be relied upon to deliver a crime novel with well constructed plots, flawed but likable heroes and plenty of laughs and this book is no exception. His books remind me of Christopher Bookmyre's in that they often satirize aspects of modern society; in this case, the radio 'shock jock.' (Just that expression is enough to turn me off). The protagonist Dan Starkey, former journalist-turned private eye who's appeared in a number of books, is lazy, self-indulgent, and has a toxic on-again off-again relationship with his ex-wife while enjoying the odd liaison on the side. But you can't help liking him and cheering him on. The story keeps you engaged, with some crazy but perfectly believable crooks and some very funny scenes.
You know how you always read on the back of so-called humorous books 'Warning - don't read this on public transport?' And then you deliberately take it on to the bus just to see what would happen? And nothing does - you don't even raise a smile and you have to spend the whole journey squashed in your seat next to an obese fishmonger with the sniffles and B.O.?
This is not that book. You have been warned.
You know how you always read on the back of so-called humorous books 'Warning - don't read this on public transport?' And then you deliberately take it on to the bus just to see what would happen? And nothing does - you don't even raise a smile and you have to spend the whole journey squashed in your seat next to an obese fishmonger with the sniffles and B.O.?
This is not that book. You have been warned.
April 26, 2017
Let me explain why I gave this four stars.
It's the way humour has been used. Not merely the variety of humour (there's something for everyone from subtle, through blatant, to a little slapstick - it's also the way it has been used to express character and relationships. This is such a hard thing to pull off.
It lifts what would would other wise be a good book to a superior one.
The story/structure/characters/editing/scene-setting etcetera are a crisp and dealt with expertly.
There's no pretension here. The author has used simple language and easy to read sentences. I don't remember a single ambiguity either.
The author (hello if you're reading this) has clearly set out to create a humorous thriller that does its job - throwing out smiles, laughs and thrills. I suspect he enjoyed writing this but never once lost sight of his audience.
It sparkles.
It's the way humour has been used. Not merely the variety of humour (there's something for everyone from subtle, through blatant, to a little slapstick - it's also the way it has been used to express character and relationships. This is such a hard thing to pull off.
It lifts what would would other wise be a good book to a superior one.
The story/structure/characters/editing/scene-setting etcetera are a crisp and dealt with expertly.
There's no pretension here. The author has used simple language and easy to read sentences. I don't remember a single ambiguity either.
The author (hello if you're reading this) has clearly set out to create a humorous thriller that does its job - throwing out smiles, laughs and thrills. I suspect he enjoyed writing this but never once lost sight of his audience.
It sparkles.
May 5, 2012
He's baaaack. I love me a good Bateman novel.
This time, Starkey is asked by an old friend who's a famous radio shock-jock to find out who kidnapped his son and then returned him with a warning note.
When he starts to dig, Starkey ends up dealing with some less than friendly drug kingpins, guns, explosions and an artificial leg.
Not one of my favourite Starkey novels, but had a good few chuckles and wished once again that everyone had the Irish sense of humour...
This time, Starkey is asked by an old friend who's a famous radio shock-jock to find out who kidnapped his son and then returned him with a warning note.
When he starts to dig, Starkey ends up dealing with some less than friendly drug kingpins, guns, explosions and an artificial leg.
Not one of my favourite Starkey novels, but had a good few chuckles and wished once again that everyone had the Irish sense of humour...
November 26, 2012
Another fabulous Dan Starkey novel from Mr Bateman.
Irish humour and crime at its best.
The 'Nine Inches' isn't anything to do with 'Fifty Shades', which, when I told friends that I was reading it, naturally assumed. Let's just say, that when you read it and find out, it's a nice surprise.
Easy to read and a page turner.
Irish humour and crime at its best.
The 'Nine Inches' isn't anything to do with 'Fifty Shades', which, when I told friends that I was reading it, naturally assumed. Let's just say, that when you read it and find out, it's a nice surprise.
Easy to read and a page turner.
March 18, 2014
I may have overdosed on Colin Batemen in the past few weeks. I found the brutality, the ease with which the Irish factions and crime bosses killed their adveseries, or really anyone in their way, in this book a bit much. But a good book nonetheless.
June 10, 2012
A good story well told... as usual. It's definitely worth 5* if you're familiar with Northern Ireland, otherwise it might be a 4* because I think you'll struggle with some of the funnies.
November 7, 2011
I love the Dan Starkey novels from Colin Bateman. This one did not dissapoint except for the length... after Belfast Confidential which was of epic length... this seemed too short.
March 19, 2012
Bunch of guilty laughs to be found here. Tidy story good characters.
June 25, 2012
Another great Bateman book, great humour and a jaunt into another world, well worth reading
September 27, 2012
Typically Bateman, Dan Starkey's sarcasm as ever is right up my street, can't see me not enjoying this, currently 11 chapters in
June 18, 2013
Dan Starkey, former journalist and possibly former husband, lurches through another set of twists and turns in post-Troubles Belfast. A crime detection romp with heartbreakingly sad underpinnings
November 25, 2013
Back to Dan Starkey which CB does best.
August 26, 2014
A darkly funny story with a clever plot and engaging characters. Sex, drugs and violence - with lots of laughs - in Belfast.
November 25, 2012
Really enjoyed it, clever mix of comedy and thriller. Glad to add Bateman to my list of faves.
April 29, 2017
Just very funny like all Mr Bateman's books!
Displaying 1 - 29 of 29 reviews