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Succeeding When You're Supposed to Fail: The 6 Enduring Principles of High Achievement
IN COUNTLESS STUDIES, PSYCHOLOGISTS HAVE DISCOVERED A SURPRISING
For decades they assumed that people who face adversity—a difficult childhood, career turbulence, sudden bouts of bad luck—will succumb to their circumstances. Yet over and over again they found a significant percentage are able to overcome their life circumstances and achieve spectacular success.
How is it that individuals who are not “supposed” to succeed manage to overcome the odds? Are there certain traits that such people have in common? Can the rest of us learn from their success and apply it to our own lives?
In Succeeding When You’re Supposed to Fail, Rom Brafman, psychologist and coauthor of the bestselling book Sway , set out to answer these questions. In a riveting narrative that interweaves compelling stories from education, the military, and business and a wide range of groundbreaking new research, Brafman identifies the six hidden drivers behind unlikely success. Among
•The critical importance of the Limelight Effect—our ability to redirect the focus of our lives to the result of our own efforts, as opposed to external forces
•The value of a satellite in our lives—the remarkable way in which a consistent ally who accepts us unconditionally while still challenging us to be our best can make a huge difference
•The power of temperament—people who are able to tunnel through life’s obstacles have a surprisingly mild disposition; they don’t allow the bumps in the road to unsettle them
By understanding and incorporating these strat-egies in our own lives, Brafman argues, we can all be better prepared to overcome the inevitable obstacles we face, from setbacks at work to chall-enges in our personal lives.
For decades they assumed that people who face adversity—a difficult childhood, career turbulence, sudden bouts of bad luck—will succumb to their circumstances. Yet over and over again they found a significant percentage are able to overcome their life circumstances and achieve spectacular success.
How is it that individuals who are not “supposed” to succeed manage to overcome the odds? Are there certain traits that such people have in common? Can the rest of us learn from their success and apply it to our own lives?
In Succeeding When You’re Supposed to Fail, Rom Brafman, psychologist and coauthor of the bestselling book Sway , set out to answer these questions. In a riveting narrative that interweaves compelling stories from education, the military, and business and a wide range of groundbreaking new research, Brafman identifies the six hidden drivers behind unlikely success. Among
•The critical importance of the Limelight Effect—our ability to redirect the focus of our lives to the result of our own efforts, as opposed to external forces
•The value of a satellite in our lives—the remarkable way in which a consistent ally who accepts us unconditionally while still challenging us to be our best can make a huge difference
•The power of temperament—people who are able to tunnel through life’s obstacles have a surprisingly mild disposition; they don’t allow the bumps in the road to unsettle them
By understanding and incorporating these strat-egies in our own lives, Brafman argues, we can all be better prepared to overcome the inevitable obstacles we face, from setbacks at work to chall-enges in our personal lives.
208 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2011
24 people are currently reading
1622 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 33 reviews
February 8, 2012
The book “Succeeding when you are supposed to fail” follows the same format found in most self-help books. A thesis is presented to the reader. Each point of evidence for the argument is supported by either a clinical or experiential case studies. The book is concluded with a summary of key points with direct application to the reader’s life. In this case the title is essentially the argument. Premise: When faced with adversity what personality traits turn this obstacle into an opportunity for success? Mr. Brafman claims there are 6-8 traits that overcome adversity. These are central to one characteristic; the ability a person has to tunnel through the problem. These traits are the ability to: take responsibility, laugh during trials (think ‘don’t sweat the small stuff’) and connect with others (in a group and individually). These aspects were further subdivided into six factors.
I believe the book provides an easy flow of ideas and examples. It doesn’t provide new insight for a person familiar to “The Six Habits of Highly Effective People” and other self help books of this era but, it does have some interesting clinical examples. Read this book if you want a quick reminder of self determination, a balanced attitude and need for community support.
The value of a good self help book is its ability to provide a link between theory and application. Unfortunately, this book is not very strong in this regard. My rating doesn’t reflect the argument as much as it reflects the lack of tools needed to apply what we already implicitly know.
I believe the book provides an easy flow of ideas and examples. It doesn’t provide new insight for a person familiar to “The Six Habits of Highly Effective People” and other self help books of this era but, it does have some interesting clinical examples. Read this book if you want a quick reminder of self determination, a balanced attitude and need for community support.
The value of a good self help book is its ability to provide a link between theory and application. Unfortunately, this book is not very strong in this regard. My rating doesn’t reflect the argument as much as it reflects the lack of tools needed to apply what we already implicitly know.
July 16, 2014
SUCCEEDING WHEN YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO FAIL
Main skills to cultivate:
Internal locus of control: you can create your destiny, you have the power to change yourself and your circumstances. Learn from your mistakes and be accountable.
Humor: always laugh is good for physical and mental health.
Meaning and goals: create small challenges and goals. always have a goal even a small one.
Stay calmed - Relaxed and good mood - stable in the face of tough circumstances.
Be persistent and tackle of find a way around obstacles.
Treat yourself with encouragement and positive talk.
Have a satellite: someone who cares about you unconditionally - good, upbeat, optimistic, rational coach or friend.
Be inspired and have a role model. Take into account your successes: celebrate them and remember them.
Savor life from the smallest thing to the biggest thing.
Main skills to cultivate:
Internal locus of control: you can create your destiny, you have the power to change yourself and your circumstances. Learn from your mistakes and be accountable.
Humor: always laugh is good for physical and mental health.
Meaning and goals: create small challenges and goals. always have a goal even a small one.
Stay calmed - Relaxed and good mood - stable in the face of tough circumstances.
Be persistent and tackle of find a way around obstacles.
Treat yourself with encouragement and positive talk.
Have a satellite: someone who cares about you unconditionally - good, upbeat, optimistic, rational coach or friend.
Be inspired and have a role model. Take into account your successes: celebrate them and remember them.
Savor life from the smallest thing to the biggest thing.
February 24, 2017
A quick easy conversational approach to building resilience by psychologist Rom Brafman.
He describes people who rebound as tunnelers and describes the tools they use to rebound when they face setbacks and challenges.
1. Focus internally; hold yourself accountable for your actions and reaction to challenges.
2. Squeeze meaning out of life.
3. Perseverance. Use the above two principles to maintain inner drive.
4. Under react. Model an easy going temperament...avoid perfectionist attitude
5. Use humor to release tension and strengthen connections.
6. Communicate empathy and respect.
7. Find a mentor, he calls it a satellite to help provide a sounding board and support.
I liked how he rolled his story into practical ways to implement in your own life and as a parent for your kids.
He describes people who rebound as tunnelers and describes the tools they use to rebound when they face setbacks and challenges.
1. Focus internally; hold yourself accountable for your actions and reaction to challenges.
2. Squeeze meaning out of life.
3. Perseverance. Use the above two principles to maintain inner drive.
4. Under react. Model an easy going temperament...avoid perfectionist attitude
5. Use humor to release tension and strengthen connections.
6. Communicate empathy and respect.
7. Find a mentor, he calls it a satellite to help provide a sounding board and support.
I liked how he rolled his story into practical ways to implement in your own life and as a parent for your kids.
February 18, 2013
Psychological orthodoxy dictates that if you experience some sort of trauma, you are more than likely to shut down and be affected by it for the remainder of your life. You connect the dots to that single moment, and blame it for the reasons you failed at or cannot achieve A, B, and C.
But none of this is actually true. Research being conducted on tunneling and positive thinking counters this argument. When you fail, do you attribute that failure to external forces or do you reflect on what YOU could have done better? When you face an obstacle, do you try to find meaning in it, or do you allow it to conquer you? Do you believe you're the captain of your own fate, or do you think fate leads you? What are you passionate about, and can you extract meaning from it? Do you view negative events in your life as challenges you want to surmount or challenges that can - and will - defeat you? Consider your answers: are you a nontunneler, or a tunneler? Brafman's book effectively provides substantial evidence - using statistics, past experiments, and firsthand accounts - to help you determine just who you are.
But none of this is actually true. Research being conducted on tunneling and positive thinking counters this argument. When you fail, do you attribute that failure to external forces or do you reflect on what YOU could have done better? When you face an obstacle, do you try to find meaning in it, or do you allow it to conquer you? Do you believe you're the captain of your own fate, or do you think fate leads you? What are you passionate about, and can you extract meaning from it? Do you view negative events in your life as challenges you want to surmount or challenges that can - and will - defeat you? Consider your answers: are you a nontunneler, or a tunneler? Brafman's book effectively provides substantial evidence - using statistics, past experiments, and firsthand accounts - to help you determine just who you are.
August 13, 2021
I already read books that investigated the secrets of people who succeed in life amidst all odds (Grit, Presence, Daring Greatly). Succeeding When You're Supposed to Fail by Rom Brafman is just another manuscript that proves that not quitting is always possible.
I know few people who became part of the statistics of dropping out of school because of financial problem, family problem, lack of interest, lack of parental support, bullying, transfer of residence, and more. Perhaps, I experienced any of these at some point of my academic life, but I still did not quit. I also know many people who had some of these challenges and probably experienced the worst, but they also did not quit. When faced with trials and adversities, why do some people persist and others don't? This book puts that question into light.
Brofman reminds, "Don't let the little things in life--the mistakes, regrets, annoyances--upset your day or your life. Weeks or years down the road, you won't even remember what's so upsetting to you at the moment."
He adds, "When we try something challenging and don't get the results that we want, we are tempted to give up. That's because it can feel overwhelming and disappointing. At least by quitting we think, we can reclaim some of our power. But the fact is that there'll always be difficult times and dark moments. If you decide to give up on something, make sure it's because the goal is no longer something you are interested in, not because you've hit a snag or obstacle in the process."
While our schools are committed to help students in meeting the standards in every discipline, it is also our calling to teach our kids to persevere and win in life.
Yes! We can succeed even if we thought we are supposed to fail. And if there are many reasons that tell us to stop, choose that one important reason to hold on. This book is a must-read
I know few people who became part of the statistics of dropping out of school because of financial problem, family problem, lack of interest, lack of parental support, bullying, transfer of residence, and more. Perhaps, I experienced any of these at some point of my academic life, but I still did not quit. I also know many people who had some of these challenges and probably experienced the worst, but they also did not quit. When faced with trials and adversities, why do some people persist and others don't? This book puts that question into light.
Brofman reminds, "Don't let the little things in life--the mistakes, regrets, annoyances--upset your day or your life. Weeks or years down the road, you won't even remember what's so upsetting to you at the moment."
He adds, "When we try something challenging and don't get the results that we want, we are tempted to give up. That's because it can feel overwhelming and disappointing. At least by quitting we think, we can reclaim some of our power. But the fact is that there'll always be difficult times and dark moments. If you decide to give up on something, make sure it's because the goal is no longer something you are interested in, not because you've hit a snag or obstacle in the process."
While our schools are committed to help students in meeting the standards in every discipline, it is also our calling to teach our kids to persevere and win in life.
Yes! We can succeed even if we thought we are supposed to fail. And if there are many reasons that tell us to stop, choose that one important reason to hold on. This book is a must-read
October 31, 2020
I was torn between a low and high review so went with a 3. The book is interesting and seems mostly in line with what we know about motivation and learning, but the book seems to rely too much on anecdotes and pop-psychology despite being written by someone with a PhD in psychology. While the author admits he was trying to write in conversational style, there were times when I was out off by the over-simplification. That said, there are some useful and interesting points to be made about why people succeed (or really, keep pushing until they succeed) including: locus of control, finding meaning in your work, humor, and a supportive other (e.g., mentor).
July 19, 2019
A really motivational book for everyone, it just tells you about how blessed we all are actually by bringing example of a lot of successful people who has a really tough circumstances when they were kids but still end up better than most people.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
February 23, 2021
Good information in a conversational style with anecdotes to convey the concepts. One of the qualities discussed is one I'd like to acquire (or re-acquire) in my search for reduced anger. Any book that helps me to see the need for change and offers a path to get there is a good one.
April 28, 2019
Easy reading. Makes sense. Didn't teach me a lot as it contain a lit of things I already know. Would suit new readers of motivational type books.
January 5, 2020
It helped me, to be honest. My first read of its kind. I'll give it an award for the easiest read.
Read
October 26, 2020Life is too short to finish bad books, even short ones. Sorry 😐
March 17, 2021
Highly inspiring and motivational book. One that I will always go back to to remind me of things that are great in my life.
May 29, 2024
I enjoyed this book. Practical advice and good reminders interspersed with some interesting case studies. I particularly enjoyed the ones about the prisoners of war making every day count etc. Good lessons in having an easy disposition and even temperament and using humor for me- at times, I can be too serious. And a good reminder to be on the lookout for satellites and mentors for yourself. :)
December 10, 2013
Rom Brafman explains the keys to "tunneling" through adversity by breaking it down into three primary components--drive, orientation, and contact. He tells us to do what most of us already know we're supposed to be doing: hold yourself accountable, find your own solutions, seek meaning, be relentless, etc. But the way he ties it all together with his inspiring anecdotes and catchy terminology is what makes "Succeeding When You're Supposed to Fail" a perfect read for when life gets messy and you're looking for some perspective.
April 5, 2016
In the epilogue Rom Brafman talks about hating textbooks, and this book is not a textbook. In a casual breezy narration, Rom Brafman shares inspiring stories and ideas, and I finished in less than a day.
I liked hearing more about the man who discovered (really just found a useful application) to the microwave and the POW stories of just trying to maintain sanity. And hey, I'm not a POW but my life now is about keeping my sanity .... motivated and engaged.
And I'd like very much to not fail.
I liked hearing more about the man who discovered (really just found a useful application) to the microwave and the POW stories of just trying to maintain sanity. And hey, I'm not a POW but my life now is about keeping my sanity .... motivated and engaged.
And I'd like very much to not fail.
May 20, 2012
a small dosage of self development. Tunnelers were introduced,those who manage to make it despite all the odds. locus control is being considered as one way classifying individuals, internals are those who thinks all what is happening to them have much to do with them selves while externals are those who always fine a way to blame others and come up with excuses. over all, the book was a light short read and reasonably insightful
August 2, 2015
Ένα ακόμη εξαιρετικό βιβλίο που αδικείται από την ελληνική του έκδοση!
Σε κάθε περίπτωση το περιεχόμενο παραμένει ιδιαίτερα χρήσιμο και εύχρηστο. Ιδανικό όλους όσους θέλουν να μάθουν να τα "βγάζουν πέρα" σ' αυτή τη ζωή και "να φτάνουν στο φως έξω απ' το τούνελ".
Βασισμένο σε επιστημονικές έρευνες κι όχι απλά σε θεωρίες, αλλά σε απόλυτα κατανοητή γλώσσα, το θεωρώ σημείο αναφοράς. Το συνιστώ ανεπιφύλακτα σε όλους και ειδικά σε (υποψήφιους ή έμπειρους) μέντορες.
Σε κάθε περίπτωση το περιεχόμενο παραμένει ιδιαίτερα χρήσιμο και εύχρηστο. Ιδανικό όλους όσους θέλουν να μάθουν να τα "βγάζουν πέρα" σ' αυτή τη ζωή και "να φτάνουν στο φως έξω απ' το τούνελ".
Βασισμένο σε επιστημονικές έρευνες κι όχι απλά σε θεωρίες, αλλά σε απόλυτα κατανοητή γλώσσα, το θεωρώ σημείο αναφοράς. Το συνιστώ ανεπιφύλακτα σε όλους και ειδικά σε (υποψήφιους ή έμπειρους) μέντορες.
March 14, 2013
This was an insightful and blunt analysis of the qualities and factors which make individuals successful. It seems a big passive as it focuses mostly on environmental factors and individuals responses' to them.
February 14, 2015
I really liked this. I thought it was "Malcolm Gladwell"-like, and very interesting and compelling. Good writer. Also reminded me of the Power of Habit. Suprised more people didn't rate it higher. It's a winner.
November 17, 2013
This is a short, informative book that I thought was very useful, particularly in my work teaching the Clemente Course in Boston. I took notes and made some reflections in a blog post: http://jackchengphd.blogspot.com/2013...
February 16, 2015
This was a good book full of information about achieving anything you want. The author does a great job relaying information and giving scenarios to make everything more understandable. I will more than likely be reading this book again!
October 24, 2019
Tunneling is a simple concept. How some people come out of adversity and succeed in life is the theme. You need to be internally focused and also find meaning in life. Easier said. Having a satellite person to hold on is a bonus. But the principles are robust and therefore a must read.
May 6, 2012
Really enjoyed this book, and the format the authur used in presenting the info. Very interesting reading, and I totally recommend this to those shy intr
overts out there!
overts out there!
February 2, 2013
This was a quick read for me and I loved the concept of tunneling. A great read for what keeps some people going while others stop.
April 4, 2013
i thought this was a very good book filled with stories from people who went through some hardships in life and explanations on why they made what choice they did and how it affected them.
August 1, 2013
one of the few best books I have read!
August 28, 2013
I believe that the author did a great job of showing us that coming from a disadvantaged background does not determine what the outcome of our lives will be. Very inspirational book.
August 1, 2014
This book covers the basic concept of locus of control; internal vs external, in a fresh and compelling way.
August 19, 2014
I chose this book for my remedial writing class for students who face a lot of adversity in their lives and college education; I think it is a good one for that group!
August 25, 2014
A typical self-help book, nothing too new. Worth a quick read if you like that kind of thing. Helpful for sure.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 33 reviews