Brothers (and Me): A Memoir of Loving and Giving

by Donna Britt

Donna Britt has always been surrounded by men-her father, three brothers, two husbands, three sons, countless friends. She learned to give to them at an early age. But after her beloved brother Darrell's senseless killing by police 30 years ago, she began giving more, unconsciously seeking to help other men the way she couldn't help Darrell.

Brothers (and Me) navigates Britt's life through her relationships with men-resulting in a tender, funny and heartbreaking exploration of universal issues of gender and race. It Why, for so long, did Britt-like millions of seemingly self-aware women-rarely put herself first? With attuned storytelling and hard-wrought introspection, Britt finds that even the sharpest woman may need reminding that giving to others requires giving to oneself.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Autobiography

320 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2011

About the author

Donna Britt is a former syndicated columnist for the Washington Post, writing on issues both topical and personal. She has won awards from the American Society of Newspaper Editors, the National Association of Black Journalists, and other organizations, and has been featured on Oprah, C-Span, and NPR. She lives in Maryland with her husband, youngest son, and male dog. To learn more, please visit DonnaBritt.net.

Reviews

[Carmen · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book! Donna is a woman who loves giving – but then gets angry sometimes when she believes she is being taken for granted. She blames EVERYTHING that happens in her life on her brother Darrell's death when she was in college. This reminds me of Twin: A Memoir, in which the author blames EVERYTHING in his life on being separated from his twin sister when he was a child. One of her messages is that women are givers, especially black women. Women do it all, but have hidden rage and frustration. Donna only has brothers (3) and sons (3). She is constantly surrounded by men whom she lavishes attention and care on. Should she stop this? Why? Why not? How can she make time for herself? How can she get the appreciation she deserves? This is more or less what the book is about. She thinks she inadvertently caused her brother's death. She goes through rape (when she was a virgin in college), divorce (from her first husband who turns into a crack addict), and infidelity (from her second husband, who cheats on her for two years “on and off”). She forgives him and they are still together. Very open, honest, moving and riveting. Intellectually stimulating, too, with racism, feminism, and what it means to be caring and giving all taking the forefront. I highly enjoyed this book.

[Shannon · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received a free copy of this book. I never expected it to be a little treasure. When I started reading I wasn’t immediately drawn in, but I decided to stick with it.

Brothers (& me) contains over 15 chapters and Britt is somehow able to weave them together while keeping them separate. She discusses the most intimate details of her life with a candor that makes you wonder if the privacy of those involved had been violated.

A few of the topics discussed include: life for a black family in the 60’s in the Midwest, date rape, abortion, the perfect man, infidelity, body image, and balancing career and family. A few chapters discussed events that jumped out to me: the transition from an HBCU (historically black college or university) to a predominantly white university, being seen and heard in the work place, and hair. If you are a black woman or know a black woman well, you know that hair can be considered an event!

Although it didn’t seem as if I had much in common with Donna Britt, I found that I was able to relate to her. Even though her story is uniquely hers, the book carries a theme (love = giving) that is ubiquitous among many of us.

[guiltlessreader · Rating 4 out of 5]

Originally posted on my blog guiltless reading

Can a woman ever give too much? If you're a black woman ...

The book in one sentence: A black woman's honest self-examination of the impact of her brother's death on her life.

My two cents: This is a book about being a woman and women's relationships with men. Now it is one thing to be a woman. It is another thing to be a black woman in America today.

Women can tell you about ceilings. How absorbing they can be when your spine is smashed under the weight of a man -- a man you love, or tolerate, or don't even know, but who you wish was was anywhere but inside you.
-p. 85, Brothers (& Me) by Donna Britt


This is a beautifully honest and painful read. Britt's memoir has no filters which makes it heartbreakingly raw that it made me uncomfortable, even embarrassed many, many times. How many of us can be that honest in our writing, or even in our thoughts? It is an unedited exploration of her thoughts, her motivations, her deep-seated feelings, even her grudges. Somehow I feel like I almost know her, or could be her -- because shade of me, of woman, is everywhere in her writing.

Britt examines her entire life, documenting how she felt and what she thought, as a black woman - through what she believed as a privileged childhood, her awkward adolescence, to the pivotal moment when her brother Darrel was killed, her various relationships, her marriage and her children, and her career as a journalist.

Haunted by the circumstances by which Darrell was killed at the hands of two white police officers in racially heated Indiana, Britt weaves a rather blatant commentary of womanhood and the sacrifices that a woman make for the men in her life, highlighting how African-American women in particular statistically have the short end of the stick. She expresses this dichotomy of woman and race thus:

Any black woman can tell you: Our kids aren't the only one ho surreptitiously burrow inside us. So do our men.

Yet so much has been written about the tensions that divide black men and women, it's easy to overlook what unites us. Ours is a dance of mutual affection and hostility, dependence and distrust, fascination and resentment. This push-pull dynamic has forged a gap between African-American women and their men that yawns, shrinks, and yawns again. This breach contributes to 70 percent of black children being born to unmarried mothers -- and the vast majority of those babies having black fathers. Statistically, sisters are the least likely of all U.S. citizens to marry outside their race, though we're far less likely to be permanently linked to to our children's fathers.

As dismaying as such statistics are, and no matter how many beauty shop rants black women begin with the words "All brothers are dogs! we won't give up on black men. We won't let them be dragged into the night.
p. 251-252, Brothers (& Me) by Donna Britt

Throughout, it is interesting how Britt deftly focuses her stories around the theme of her constant giving to the men in her life - her brothers, her lovers, her children. (The men are on full display, warts and all, within this memoir's pages, that I wonder if they are embarrassed at their stories being so public.) Britt examines why she does it, to the point of being resentful, and comes to a surprisingly obvious conclusion!
♥
Her family life also comes under scrutiny. She traces the histories of her parents, gaining a better understanding of how their personalities and circumstances shaped her own. I can definitely relate to this - it is this cross-over from merely seeing our parents as parents to actual people that somehow defines a new phase in adult life.

Finally loved and protected, my mother allowed herself to wonder, Why didn't my mother want me? [...] But mom was a child. A child's first, best reason for any mistreatment or lack of love is "something is wrong with me." Some children never believe anything else.
[...]

My brothers and I were the human correction fluid with which both Mom-Mommy (note mine: Britt's maternal grandmother) and our mother painted over the past. Mom bestowed on us the sheltered childhood that had eluded her; Mom-Mommy lavished on us everything she hadn't been able to give her own daughter. Without knowing it, my "perfect" grandmother taught m what could happen when a less-than-perfect parent didn't give her time, love, and attention to her child: Mom could happen. A lifelong sense of unworthiness could happen.

I learned well enough to know that when I had kids, I would never let it happen.
-p, 60-61, Brothers (& Me) by Donna Britt

♥
I probably have over quoted in this review. So many passages leapt out to me. This book definitely spoke to me and will stay with me for a long time. I am in awe at Britt's writing and insights. I am glad that I had the opportunity to read this. (I won this book over at Freda's Voice. Thank you Freda!)

Verdict: An intensely personal memoir of a black woman's life of giving to the men in her life. Achingly honest and definitely a must-read!

First line: The moment I saw him, I wanted him.

Last line: Or between.

[Amanda · Rating 5 out of 5]

I received this book for review from the African American Books group on goodreads

Why do black women give so much to the men in their lives? Why do women period give so much of themselves to men? Thats the lingering question throughout Donna Britt's memoir.

I'll be honest, I've never heard of the author before, never read her column, or saw her on Oprah, however I thoroughly ENJOYED her book and writing style. I was hooked from the first paragraph. 

It hit VERY close to home for me, from the BDTDD experience (be dirty to Donna day) in grade school and a few other things she wrote about had me thinking hmm yep me to!  

She writes with humor and honesty as she tells the reader her thoughts during the hard and tragic times as well as the joyful moments thus far in her life. 

This is not a man bashing or black man bashing book, which i thought at the beginning of the book by a few things but just keep reading :-) I loved that at the beginning of each chapter there is a photograph of either her and her siblings as kids, her in college or with her kids etc. It was pretty cool when she mentioned Dr. Pookrum who I met some years ago through my grandmother another physician. I yelled out "Hey I know her!" 

I'll say it again, I loved this book, recommend it to ANY woman whose the giving type to men, but especially black women. The QUEEN is the most powerful piece on the chess board! (insider read the book!).  (^^,)

[Kelly · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this book because of a column the author wrote in the Washington Post about the recent police shootings in the news. She’d lost her brother to a police shooting just before (literally days before) I was born and for some reason, the fact of this timing intrigued me to want to learn more about it. Something poetic or whatever about being born just as someone else died ... I think that was a Live song in the 90s.

Anywho, there are parts of this memoir that speak loudly to my inner word nerd. This is obviously someone who knows how to wield words to her advantage. I love how language can recall the visceral—something you’d never imagine needing the words to evoke. There’s a line towards the end of the book about blood that pauses briefly through the heart that I would have paid my left boob to have written.

The reckoning of her brother’s death is intertwined with her own exploration of “giving,” which I think is really probably more “caregiving” than anything else. The author makes the assumption that this is a woman thing—that no woman’s life is her own because she is always someone’s wife, mom, etc.—so her giving is hard-wired and essential for survival.

And this is where I have to start lobbing off stars from my review. This part of me has been out of order since at least 1995, if not sooner. I just do not feel this pull that the author describes as supposedly ingrained in my uterus. This instinct doesn’t live in me, and I’m not sure whether it ever did live there, and it just died when I “got sad” or whether it has never been there to begin with.

I don’t feel incomplete as a person if my husband doesn’t have clean underpants. I don’t stress over whether my yard is weeded or if the throw pillows on my love seat match. As a kid I didn’t play mommy—I played teacher, doctor, store. My dolls were clients and patients, not beings that needed my care to survive. So to pile onto the rhetorical garbage heap that says I have to take care of others and be a mommy to matter as a woman just makes me feel more and more like a junkyard dog. And not a nice dog, an ornery, one-eyed filth-caked mange with a bum leg and a slobbery sneer. One you see with equal parts pity and disgust and wonder, “Whatever happened to that one?”

[Rebecca Heagy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Every week for years I looked forward to reading Donna Britt's column in the Washington Post and was so sad when she gave it up. I always appreciated her way of looking at the world and her ability to break down complex issues with empathy and warmth. As I recall, Ms. Britt gave up her column to write this book and it did not disappoint. As I expected, her memoir was beautifully written and full of insight into her self, her family, and the world.

[Debbie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I like the way she tells her story and the lessons and insights she weaves into it. Or maybe it’s more a treatise on what she has learned and discovered about life, others and herself, liberally illustrated with the stories of her experiences. In my hopes to one day write my own story, hers is a possible model to employ.

The book was also a helpful revelation into Black American lives that I, as a White Canadian, know little of.

[Vonetta · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars — I found a lot of Britt’s musings about womanhood resonant, but I wanted more narrative. I know she’s a journalist, and it felt like some of these sections were columns that were collected into a book. There’s nothing wrong with that; I just wanted to slow down and be more absorbed in the showing rather than be told so much.

[Michelle · Rating 3 out of 5]

DISCLOSURE: I WON THIS BOOK IN A GOODREADS GIVEAWAY.

When the author said she was a reporter and then a slice of life opinion columnist, the book's style made more sense.

It starts like a memoir of her life with a focus on love and giving and how they are intertwined in her mind. I liked the beginning, which was a more of a straightforward memoir about her childhood, her parents, her family, and her college years. After her brother was shot by cops, the book stays pretty linear and that part was moving. After her sons are born, the prose style is less straightforward and sound more like opinion piece on motherhood, marriage, and things of that ilk.

It kind of lost me there. I'm neither a mother nor a wife, so I was less able to relate to that half of the book. I'm also not a giver, so some of Mrs. Britt's actions were hard to empathize with. Because of the column like nature of the last third of the book, I found it easier to put down the book, read something else for a while, and come back to this later. Maybe that's why it didn't seem as cohesive as the first half.

My favorite part was when she found the writings of her late brother. It was very moving and funny. It makes you wonder about how much you really know or understand the inner life of the people in your life.

[Betsy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Donna Britt is a journalist and columnist most recently at the Washington Post. In this superb memoir, she confronts the demons left by her brother's death and considers her tendency to give to the men in her life. Examining Darrell's death and its legacy provides the narrative arc, but the book addresses numerous issues and relationships from Donna's life. Donna examines the family she grew up in and its influence on her, her marriages, her experience of motherhood, and her attempt to balance work and home. And in the end, she makes peace with giving.

As a black woman, Donna has experienced race in a way that I have not. However, she helped me understand racial issues in America in a new way. Donna's experiences as a woman, though, are universal. She writes about the forces that motivate us as human beings in insightful and incisive ways. Donna treats primal issues of love, acceptance, giving, and forgiveness so honestly, it felt raw at times.

I want to be Donna’s neighbor and friend. This one of the best memoirs I’ve ever read. Language and other content may be a concern for some readers.

[Monica Williams · Rating 5 out of 5]

Donna Britt has always been surrounded by men--her three brothers, a slew of male friends, two husbands and three sons.

It isn't entirely surprising then that she has spent most of her life loving and giving to them. In "Brothers (and Me)," her honest and moving memoir, the former newspaper columnist examines why women--particularly those who are black--spend so much time and energy giving to men.

The author always gave to the men in her life, which isn't unusual given that a desire to nurture is an essential part of a woman's makeup. It doesn't matter if those men don't appreciate or recognize it. Her giving to them increased, however, after the death of her brother Darrell 30 years ago.

In her memoir, she examines why she--and other women--continue to "forgive, support and prop up the men in their lives" even when it costs them part of themselves.

Excellent read. It's the best book I've read so far this year.

[Daniel Williams · Rating 5 out of 5]

Donna Britt is a natural born giver. She gives to anybody that she can help especially the important men in her life. In her family, her husband and three sons. Tragically, she lost her brother Darrell 30 years ago and became evidently close before and after he passed. People didn't know why she liked to give but she did it for herself. It makes her who she is today and has not changed.

I enjoyed reading this book about a passionate care giving Journalist which changed her life. She was passionate about what she did and that's what I admire about people in this world. Some people do help others when it they can and some don't. I've always been someone who help others when they need it and it's rewarding after I help someone. One day, I hope people become more loving and grateful of helping someone who deserves it.

[Rebecca · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thought this book was excellent. Even though the author talked about her childhood and the death of one of her brothers and how it effected her life I was focused on how she doesn't feel appreciated by the men in her life. She does everything for them and sacrifices for them and they don't acknowledge that. I feel like that a lot so I could totally relate.

She had three brothers, a father who was never there, two husbands (one divorced because of drug use and the other cheated on her) and three sons. Her whole life is surrounded by men. And even though I wouldn't have the strength to do it she forgave her husband and stayed in her marriage. Kudos for being such a strong and forgiving woman!

[OOSA · Rating 4 out of 5]

Brother

Donna Britt is a writer and a good one. “Brothers (and Me)” is a timely expose that has contemporary application to ‘brothers’ who are dying surreptitiously at the hands of our police. This is a story of loss and the unresolved issues that impact a family, friends and community when such losses are senseless.

I had a problem with the casual relationships or associations that the author attempted to make and see it as faulty reasoning, although I respect the right of the author to conclude from her experiences as she may.

“Brothers (and Me)” is very well written and Donna Britt is a strong writer, but I wouldn’t easily recommend it to others. I can see it used to cause controversial discussions that may be fruitful in a group setting.

Reviewed by: Gail

[OOSA · Rating 4 out of 5]

Brother

Donna Britt is a writer and a good one. “Brothers (and Me)” is a timely expose that has contemporary application to ‘brothers’ who are dying surreptitiously at the hands of our police. This is a story of loss and the unresolved issues that impact a family, friends and community when such losses are senseless.

I had a problem with the casual relationships or associations that the author attempted to make and see it as faulty reasoning, although I respect the right of the author to conclude from her experiences as she may.

“Brothers (and Me)” is very well written and Donna Britt is a strong writer, but I wouldn’t easily recommend it to others. I can see it used to cause controversial discussions that may be fruitful in a group setting.

Reviewed by: Gail

[Teresa · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have been a faithful reader of Donna Britt's columns when she wrote for the Washington Post. I distinctly remember her column on raising teenage sons and how I was moved to tears one morning reading her thoughts on this topic. Her book is an amazingly honest, self deprecating look at her life based on her upbringing, loss of a family member and struggle to become a contributing, accomplished woman.

[Kendra Rochelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a great read, very well-written, and witty. You will not only see Donna Britt but yourself laid bare in these pages. Her natural responses to life's twists and turns really made me think about my own behavior and reaction to events in my life. While this novel speaks of her numerous accomplishments and accolades it shows how despite or in spite of a women's achievements we still feel devalued and invisible. I loved this book!

[Odessa · Rating 5 out of 5]

quotes pg171. That though my nostrils grieved at never tingling with her scent and my fingers at never braiding her hair, she'd gotten all she needed from me?
p234. Nothing disheartened me more than those moments when the kids whole lives my presence was meant to enrich bore the brunt of my frustration. Hour by hour, I alternated between displaying Budda like forebearance and the shortest of fuses.

[Carolyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was a fan of the author's syndicated Washington Post column and hated when it ended. This book offers the same honesty and introspection that I had so admired. The focus is on her very personal experiences, but there is so much here that any woman of any age or ethnicity will recognize and relate to regarding the imbalance in our relationships with the men we love.

[Priscilla Nemeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautifully written and heartbreaking that the author never got to know the full story about one of her brothers (don't want to give away the story she was seeking, however). I grew up in the same neck of the country she did, so her voice and place resonated with me. I am also familiar with Britt as a yoga instructor and she is very cool.

[Anne · Rating 3 out of 5]

Sometimes I disagreed with how she handled situations, but I certainly admire her candor. it is interesting to note that the trait that we're most proud of (in her case, being a giver) can be both our biggest strength and also be own downfall. Some lovely thoughts about family and devotion in this memoir.

[Linda Carroll · Rating 5 out of 5]

Five Star review, incredibly brave, funny, true, honest, compelling page turning
memoir. Perfect Christmas gift for anyone who loves a wonderfully written book which is as informative as it is engaging;Donna Britt is a terrific writer and this is one of the best memoirs I have ever read.

[Jhwood31 · Rating 1 out of 5]

A lot of what she says about the role of a big sister, wife and mother rang true and was funny but the end was really heavy sledding and wore me out. She is local and I read her columns in the past so I did know what I was in for.

[Hal · Rating 3 out of 5]

I saw her speak at the book festival, and in person she's just like her book. I enjoyed the parts about how her brother's tragedy affected her life and relationships. The strictly woman parts were less interesting to me.

[Ann · Rating 3 out of 5]

Never really got into it. Skimmed most of it. Part of me related to her description of woman as constant givers, but another part of me wanted to say, "put on your big girl panties and get on with it."

[Kelli · Rating 2 out of 5]

I WON THIS BOOK ON A GOODREADS GIVEAWAY.

A little slow at the start, but a page turner in the end. It's not something that I would have normally picked to read but I recommend it!

[Amanda · Rating 2 out of 5]

This has a lot of potential, but ultimately is not particularly revalatory.

[Kim]

Recommended in O Magazine, Jan. 2012.

[LaShona · Rating 4 out of 5]

Beautifully written memoir.It is insightful, honest, and humorous.

[Sister · Rating 4 out of 5]

It took me a while to get into this book. Then it just clicked. Maybe because she is so rigorous about trying to understand her motivations for her own behavior. Well-written.