Cruise Confidential: A Hit Below the Waterline: Where the Crew Lives, Eats, Wars, and Parties - One Crazy Year Working on Cruise Ships

Cruise Confidential #1

by Brian David Bruns

In Cruise Confidential, Brian David Bruns spills the dirt - or in this case, the dirty water - on those romantic, fun-filled vacations at sea. His hilarious chronicle of the year he spent working for Carnival Cruise Lines takes readers down into the areas where the crew works and lives, leaving readers gasping with laughter as they’re assaulted nonstop with events that range from the absurd to the utterly bizarre. Stewards fighting over food. Cutlery allowances and other nonsensical rules. What the crew calls those onboard (no, it’s not “passengers”). And of course, the sex. An abundance of ready, willing, and able bodies eager for action on a vessel replete with nooks and crannies leads to love in some mighty strange, and seemingly impossible, places. Breezy, entertaining, and informative, Cruise Confidential is essential reading for those planning a cruise or for anyone who just needs a good laugh.

Genres: Nonfiction, Travel, Memoir, Humor, Biography, Business, Adult

386 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2007

About the author

Brian David Bruns has adventured in over 60 countries to gather material for his bestselling books and won dozens of literary awards, including the USA REBA Grand Prize. He has been featured on ABC's 20/20 and CBS Inside Edition and was anointed Sir Brian by Prince Michael, Regent of the Principality of Sealand (yes, really). 
 
After several years residing in Dracula’s actual hometown (yes, really), he and his Romanian wife now live in Las Vegas with their two old rescue cats, Julius and Caesar.

He is devoted to veterans organizations, such as Operation Homefront and Wounded Warriors Project, to which he's donated thousands of his books.

He sometimes writes as B.D. Bruns.

Reviews

[Heather · Rating 2 out of 5]

It starts well...the author is fun, the people are interesting, and the insider information is great...but slowly you start to realize that he is telling the same story over and over, spiraling into a bitter tornado of drunken, "it wasn't my fault that I lost it" and "I couldn't have had sex with all of them" self-pity. I got over this book after about the first 100 pages.

[Tina · Rating 1 out of 5]

Sigh. I don't even know how to say how bad this book was. I cruise a lot, and I was expecting more of a behind the scenes tour. What I got instead was a blow by blow of how drunk cruise employees get and how many people they hook up with and how little sleep they get. The "author" is Brian, supposedly the first American to ever finish a contract in a Carnival dining room. Whatever. First of all, Brian is a spolied, conceited 30 year old. My immediate comparison is the lead on the short-lived NBC series Outsourced. If you've ever seen it, the lead is Brian. He thinks America is better than every other country and thinks he should have advantages. Indeed, he comes into Carnival for a girl. Stupid. And he comes into a management trainee program, supposedly the fast track, and is shocked when things don't go his way. His main expressions substitute the word Cat for God. For the love of Cat! By Cat! If anyone speaks like this in real life, I'd like to punch him. This isn't even the worst part. He uses too many exclamation points! After every other sentence! Where was his editor! Not proofing this book!

[Joselito Honestly and Brilliantly · Rating 3 out of 5]

Strangely, this is part of my pandemic reading. Several cruise ships had been hit by the Covid 19 virus so I said I might as well read this to know some inside informations about how cruise ships are run, the author having been a crew member of several Carnival cruise ships all because he was “chasing” (i.e., trying to get some time with) his girlfriend who was a cruise ship crew like him.

This was first published in 2008, long before the Covid 19 pandemic but it is amusing to find out here that cruise ships had long been preyed upon by a virus called Norovirus and that the diarrhea it causes the crew members called “Mr. D.”

I learned also that it is no fun working in cruise ships. The workload is heavy (by as much as 15 hours a day on the average doing odd jobs like kitchen tasks, waiting on tables, cleaning toilets, etc.). Sometimes you could do some sightseeing when the ship docks, but not leisurely. You are always on call for work. There’s lots of sex—between crew members, crew members with guests, guests with guests. But the author said that even if a lot of women wanted to have sex with him he didn’t fall into the temptation because he loved his girlfriend (no one believes this, of course, but the girlfriend probably did).

Humour in the high seas and beyond.

[Joy · Rating 2 out of 5]

I picked this up after my first Carnival cruise because I didn't pay for the behind the scenes tour of the ship and this looked interesting. Ugh! My fault for not reading the reviews before purchasing it. The writing is horrendous. The dialogue is awful, the author is fond of both cliches and exclamation points, and his habit of using the word cat instead of God (as in cat bless you, or cat-willing) is just plain annoying.

There are a few interesting tidbits about cruise life scattered in between endless stories of broads and booze. But I read the whole thing, and I don't know if (as the author asks) "that makes me stupid or crazy." Maybe it just makes me a cruise fan. I'd say you'd have to really, Really, REALLY love cruising to actually enjoy this book.

[Tara · Rating 2 out of 5]

I love cruises. So when I saw this Kindle book for $2.99, I figured it would be worth a read. Plus I spent Thanksgiving in Florida with family, so I wanted something light and easy to read by the pool. Well, it was definitely light reading, but not really what I was expecting.

The full title of this book is "Cruise Confidential: A Hit Below the Waterling: Where the Crew Lives, Eats, Wars, and Parties. One Crazy Year Working on Cruise Ships." Uh...yeah. Longest title ever. Basically, Brian fell in love with a gorgeous Romanian who works on a cruise ship. Naturally, he decides to follow her and get a job with Carnival Cruises. The only problem is that no American has ever lasted a full contract in the dining room of a Carnival ship. The book follows Brian's quest to become the first.

I always wondered why Americans never work on cruise shops. Now I know. It's HARD - long hours, tiny living quarters, weird roommates - just to name a few. Americans don't exactly have the highest work ethic in the world, hence mostly foreigners working on cruise ships. I found that aspect of the book interesting. I like seeing what the living quarters were like, what they thought of the passengers, and stuff like that. Unfortunately, those parts are few and far between.

Most of the book is a platform for Brian to brag about how many hot women he has to beat off with a stick and to rate every women her meets by her physical attributes. It gets annoying really fast. You know how everyone in their 20s has that one friend who constantly stories about crazy times when they're drunk and it's not really interesting unless you were there an/or also drunk? Yeah, this is that friend if they wrote a book. It's page after page of drunk exploits that you probably had to be there to enjoy. A few stories would have been okay, but most of the book was this crap.

Overall, I didn't really like it. I really wanted to read more about crazy guest stories and things like that. I also didn't like how it just abruptly ended. Brian does finish his contract with Carnival (the first American ever!) though. He starts working towards a job as an art auctioneer with Carnival, but the book just sort of ends there. We don't really find out what happens between him and his girlfriend either, with is what a good chunk of the book is about!

[Nicholas · Rating 1 out of 5]

The publisher and author should be ashamed of putting out a book that so explicitly makes light of sexual abuse and rape. I returned the book in haste, and now I wish I had pulled the exact passage from the text. The author witnessed a nearly-unconscious, drunk woman being raped on the ship and did nothing about it. What's worse, he literally said he had to laugh because that was life on a cruise ship for you.

I did not finish the book after the rape scene. You should not buy this. It is not funny. It's race-insensitive, sexist, and misogynistic. The author thinks he's being funny when only a white, American, straight male in a fraternity would laugh at his humor.

The publisher should pull this book, and the author should report the rape to the authorities, even if it is way past the statute of limitations. There is a woman out there that the author knows who might benefit from validation and recognition of her trauma.

I will be contacting the publisher to request this book be pulled from the shelves since it glorifies toxic masculinity and rape culture.

[Craig]

Started to read it on a western Caribbean cruise in April. Knew it would be awful, but thought it might give me some insight into the lives onboard of the crew I would spend a week with.

It was bawful (beyond awful). Just no way to finish it. Yech.

[Carrie · Rating 2 out of 5]

Two stars because it's not quite as bad as LeBron James' book.

[David · Rating 3 out of 5]

A very interesting book. I work in the cruise industry(on land), and take a lot of cruises, so the book was very interesting. Plus, I could picture exactly on the ship he was talking about since I have been on very similar ships. Two criticisms, however:

1. The author seems to continually mention how many hours he worked and the punishment he took. After awhile it just wasn't convincing-in the end he said he worked many 15 hours a day-yet also said he only slept a few hours a night. While 15 hours is indeed a long day, if he slept the rest that is 9 hours of sleep(without taking time for meals, etc). The long hours, hard work, punishment, etc. lost it's shock value after a while.

2. The author didn't mention weather he would do it again-he also didn't say if he why he did a second contract(on his second ship-the Legend). His original goal was to be close to his girlfriend, but even this didn't work out when they we're on the same ship. Why he did a second contract when he could have worked on land and earned a lot more money is unanswered(if working there was horrible I would think that is what he would do).

That said, I learned about the long hours and conditions forgiegners work on in the ship-plus what they think of Americans, they we overeat and are un-educated in liberal arts(i.e. Shakesphere). I also learned about the atmosphere where gratutitous sex and drinking is almost a necessisty to survive.

[Megalion · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved it!!

Highly enjoyable like the recently read "Heads in Beds" (by a hotel front desk agent) only without nearly as much swearing. It doesn't bother me either way but I know not everyone feels like I do. FYI, the swearing in this book comes from recounting of actual conversations with his fellow crew. After all... they are sailors!

What's particularly fascinating about this "behind the scenes" is that on cruise ships, the crew & staff are all from other countries. First world citizens are rare and never an American. I'm referring to a cruise's support staff, not entertainers or management like cruise directors etc.

Brian was an American determined to be on a cruise ship any way he could. Which winds up being an unique experience for being thrown into an incredibly intense mosh pit of cultures and also seeing Americans from their perspective. Which isn't an "Americans suck" attitude but mostly just about the differences between Americans and everyone else, including Europeans.

I was happy to notice midway through reading that there are two followup books by Brian. Was not surprised to see on his Amazon bio page that efforts are being made to turn this into a tv show, etc.

Definitely a recommended read!

[Jan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have never been on a cruise ship, but I have worked with ESL folks from many different cultures, so I regard this narrative as less reality than wishful thinking. That being said, by regarding it as a fanciful tale full of ego and testosterone, I enjoyed it and laughed myself silly! I mean, come on, he is the best at everything? And everyone is constantly bedhopping? Really, he is NOT James Bond! And no one ever gets mal de mer or Traveller's Revenge? But if you take it as humor, it is hard not to enjoy it. Even if only 10% is based in reality, it is still a smudged window into a workplace that many of us never are aware of.
Maybe I just enjoyed it more because it was performed with such agility by Gary Furlong who made it even more fun.
I received a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

[Natalie · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5 stars. I started it and finished it, but there were several eye rolls in the process. A lot of the story (and I use "story" literally - a lot of the plot points feel contrived) centers on the author patting himself on the back for enduring the mistreatment he endured at the hands of his superiors as well as his good looks that seem to attract EVERY woman he encounters. This was an easy read, though, and the short chapters made it easy to pick up and put down as time allowed. All-in-all, just meh.

[Beth Gordon · Rating 2 out of 5]

I had read this wanting to know more about the inner workings of cruise ships. If you want to know more about the hijinks of a rotating cast of characters that are only known by their first name and nationality, this is your speed. Otherwise, there is precious little about the crew’s perception of guests (there is only one about a food-obsessed family). You do learn a little about the schedule of a crew member, but not much more than it’s brutal.

The author goes to great lengths to tell us about all the women who are flinging themselves at him, and how committed he is to his girlfriend.

[Meg · Rating 1 out of 5]

Don’t read! I am always interested in behind-the-scenes stories of unusual industries and I stuck it out 2/3 of the way through for nothing very interesting whatsoever. At best, this badly needed a heavy-handed editor. At worst (and it really was the worst), I was disgusted by the consistently sexualized descriptions of women and absolutely horrified by the racism woven casually and explicitly throughout. Absolutely awful.

[L.C. Tang · Rating 4 out of 5]

I always find it interesting to read the stories of fellow seafarers and their experiences of working at sea. This author gives the perspective from his position as the Art Auctioner at sea.

[Liz · Rating 3 out of 5]

Brian David Brun's memoir follows his year long contract on Carnival cruise ships.His experience was very unique as he was the first ever American server to finish a full contract in a Carnival dining room. His writing style/tone was also interesting. Mr. Brun's tone was that of a confidant if not cocky American, but he also comes across as a very likable, "life of the party" type guy. I still couldn't decide if I loved or loathed him by the end of the book.

As a cruise lover, I was looking for insight on ship life and the life of a crew member as well as funny passenger stories from a crew member's point of view. Though Mr. Brun's tell-all tale did frequently highlight his co-workers' and his own daily routines and struggles,it also seemed repetitive as he frequently discussed his exhaustion and his need for food in far more detail than necessary. He also spent a good bit of the novel pining for Bianca, the girl for whom he signed his contract. His one wish was to follow this Transylvanian beauty around the world. While it was a worth while portion of the story, I simply wanted more cruise stories and less personal struggle.

[Bonnie Morse · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this little memoir of crew life on a Carnival cruise ship. It's definitely a job that only a lovesick man in his twenties would undertake. The hours, the labor, the lack of a reasonable social life sound unbearable, but his sense of humor and relentlessly upbeat attitude left me wanting more. Especially since he left us hanging in regards to whether or not he's still with the woman he endured all this for. I'm hoping there's a sequel.

What made me rate it down a star was the way he talked about the women on the ships. Mostly they were beautiful, and that was always the first thing he mentioned. Women he didn't get along with were always ugly and their appearance always figured into any legitimate complaints about their behavior. That just didn't seem necessary. Although I did appreciate that, no matter what he was saying about any given woman, he never resorted to vulgarity. If we had to hear about how big some mean woman's butt was, at least he used the least offensive words possible*.

*This probably doesn't apply to readers familiar with Jamaican and/or Romanian curse words, many of which are no doubt extremely offensive.

[Jamie Lynn Lufrano · Rating 3 out of 5]

I picked up Cruise Confidential upon returning from my first cruise. The trip had left me wanting to learn more about cruising, and I suppose I was hoping to extend my experience just a little longer (even if only through a book). This book chronicles the first year of the author's experience working on a cruise ship, providing a bit of a behind-the-scenes look into life working at sea. It is an entertaining enough casual book to read, but requires some significant suspension of disbelief. The dialogue is borderline absurd at times and the author expects the reader to blindly accept that he happens to always be ready with the perfect come-back and nearly everyone he encounters is ignorant, unintelligent, or some combination of the two. I found it much easier to get through it by considering this book to be a fictional story within an interesting context. It held my interest well enough, so I would recommend to those with reasonable expectations.

[Chris · Rating 2 out of 5]

Read half the book and gave up. I give it two stars for the beginning chapters which give some insight into the inner workings of a cruise ship. After that, the story devolves into a continual drunken sleep deprived near orgy. Ugh. This guy is absolutely the worst. He's a complete narcissistic pig who pats himself on the back on every other page just because he had the moral compass to not sleep with EVERY woman on this ship while he was in a committed relationship. And the title says "Cruise Confidential #1" -- does that means there's more of this garbage???

Here's the best part. Go read his Goodreads bio. He (again) pats himself on the back for supporting veterans organizations. Good for you! With money? Time? Volunteerism? Nope! He donates "thousands of copies" of his books... I say again: THE. WORST.

[Eric Mueller · Rating 2 out of 5]

Like most other reviews here, I thought the parts where the author stuck to descriptions of the ship, the work, the training, the passengers, etc., were really interesting. But if you stripped those parts from the book, you're left holding a pretty boring memoir of a horny early-20-something guy: endless descriptions about partying, drinking and hot girls. (OMG he goes on and on about the hot girls... ok! We get it already!)

By the end of the book, the author is still working on ships, albeit in a different role. I'd love to see him take a crack at a second book, but this time leaving all the personal party bullshit out, and focus on the interesting stuff.

(Hint to the author: get a new editor! This is exactly what they should do, help you write a better book!)

[Julie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'd give this a 2.5 if the option was available. I like the author's voice but his story was mostly boring with him getting drunk, being pursued by women and how proud he was of being faithful to his girlfriend, all while surviving on 4 hours of sleep a night. I would have rather read a bit more about interactions with passengers - who makes a good passenger vs. the ones from hell. The couple of stories about bad passengers were really interesting, such as the "Roundells" who ordered 6 entrees apiece!

[Jenny Brown · Rating 2 out of 5]

Not a very good book. With some editing it would have made a nice long magazine article, but the author went on and on and on, for hundreds of pages, without telling us anything new. The point of the story seemed to be that he was an alcoholic who was irresistible to women.

To be fair he writes well enough that it wasn't painful to keep reading, once I realized it was just going to be more of the same. Fortunately this was one of those weeks when I needed a nice book to lull me to sleep after a day of intense work, and this book filled that niche nicely.

[Llyr Heller-Humphreys · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was hoping this would be like the behind the scenes of the hotel book, Heads in a Bed, but this was more of a long journal where adventures repeated themselves. I had hoped for more backstories/information on the "cast of characters." Also, it could have used more editing. What editor thinks it's a good idea for all those exclamation marks? It felt like the author was shouting at me almost the whole time.

[Carol · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wowsers. I love cruising and always wondered what it was like to work on one. Is this for real? Has anything changed in the years since the book was written? Do they really work that many hours? Do they really drink that much all the time? Is the discrimination really that rampant? I can't believe what he did/put up with. Kudos to you, my Iowa paisano.

[Jerry Summers · Rating 5 out of 5]

There’s an Iowa Ocean connection. Brian is also from Cedar Rapids and went to sea. I am amazed that Brian did a tour of duty in the dining room on Carnival. After being on Navy ship I appreciate the hard work ethic cruise crews show everyday. Brian gives a behind the scenes perspective that is funny, gritty and difficult to grasp for the guests. Holy Cat!

[Colleen Wright · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed reading this book. It is written in a very relaxed, humorous and friendly way. Quick read (8 hours). It was an entertaining read. A well written eye-opener to how hard the staff really works, and makes you remember there really is a "dark side" in every industry.

[LibraryCin · Rating 4 out of 5]

The author, from Iowa, spent a year on a couple of Carnival cruise ships working in the dining rooms. This doesn’t happen. The workload is incredible (for food staff), so you tend to only see North Americans working in higher up positions or entertainer positions. The dining staff work far too many hours with potentially no breaks; the author himself often only got about 3 hours of sleep per night. His reason for doing this: to follow a woman he’d met and fell for who worked for Carnival. And because he’d already worked (on land) as a server for a decade, it was the easiest way to get in. No one believed he would make it through his first cruise contract (no other American in that position ever had), but he did.

The book shows a lot of the behind-the-scenes on cruise ships from the tiny rooms they share, to the super-packed crew bar below decks, to all the sex that the crew had.

I really liked this. He added plenty of humour to the very stressful work (and politics that he unfortunately got tied up in, as well, and not due to his own actions, either) that was happening, for him and everyone around him. I have done six cruises (as a guest) in the past and much of the broader behind-the-scenes info is stuff I had already heard. But that didn’t make this book any less entertaining.

[Madison · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this years ago before I was on goodreads but keep talking about it and just recommended it to a friend this morning. Fascinating book for anybody who has been on a cruise and wonders what goes on behind behind the scenes

[Joel · Rating 3 out of 5]

Cruise Confidential is a fast, enjoyable read. It's lightheartedness reads as sincere rather than mocking and its brevity adds to its charm. For myself, it was a perfect choice for a cold January; the descriptions of warm tropics and lovely ladies provided a welcome relief from the dreariness outside.

The memoir tells the story of Brian David Bruns as he follows his girlfriend Bianca to sea as a Carnival Cruiseline employee and the misadventures he has while living and working on a series of cruiseships.

The author manages to explain the basics of life onboard a cruise ship (as a member of the dining staff), while telling insightful anecdotes about the people he met and the resulting culture clashes. Filling in the spaces between stories, the author ponders a few of life's bigger questions and wonders if he's done the right thing by taking this chance to continue to have a relationship with Bianca.

One of the bigger strengths of the book is Bruns' ability to quickly sketch out a personality and a cultural cliche in order to tell a good story. That strength is also a weakness as the characters tend to only work in the context of the given anecdote. Once they are no longer relevant to the story at hand, they are dropped from the narrative rarely to be seen or heard from again.

No one suffers from this casual characterization worse than Bianca, the girlfriend that sets the entire memoir in motion. We are treated to her appearance in a few anecdotes, but in each one she appears to be even bitchier or colder than the last. We never get to see the passionate, vibrant woman that the author claims she is. We never meet the woman worth giving up an entire other life for. A quick story featuring the pleasant Bianca on either side of the ship stories would have gone a long way towards rectifying that.

By contrast, we are treated to a bevy of beautiful women throwing themselves at Bruns only to have him turn them away so that he might remain faithful to Bianca. We have to trust that he knows what he is doing as the readers' glimpses of Bianca are sufficient only to make one repeat the refrain: Are you stupid or crazy?

Bruns' descriptive abilities serve him much better in describing life aboard the ship if not in descriptions of the ships themselves. He peppers the dialog with flashes of Spanish and Czech and Hungarian, all the better to paint a picture of the multi-cultural life that is the norm below decks.

Likewise, the non-Bianca related philosophical moments that sprinkle the narrative, usually in the form of a non-American crew member criticizing or speaking a cliche about the U.S. and all our myriad foibles, can be an insightful look at international relations and world culture. They can also be trite and insignificant in the overall structure of the book. There are plenty of both.

But, all in all, aside from an overabundance of exclamation points whenever Bruns' feels he is being particularly clever or relatable, Cruise Confidential is a good read and I'm looking forward to reading its sequel, Ship for Brains.

[Rachel the Page-Turner · Rating 3 out of 5]

Oh this book... it gets three stars (maybe more like 2.5) because it was an easy and interesting read and I enjoyed learning more about the cruise industry. Much like yachting seems on “Below Deck”, it is very demanding work with little room for sleeping, eating or even showering in your days. (Though as “Below Deck” Chief Stew Kate Chastain once said, “Cruise ships are Wal-Mart and yachts are Neiman Marcus, and everyone knows it.”)

The part I hated about this book? The guy writing it. After following a girl he’d JUST MET into the cruise industry but never getting to see her since they usually worked on different boats, he became the first American to finish a cruise charter working in the dining room in Carnival’s history (why that’s a big deal, I’m still not sure). There were a few stories about groups he had to serve, but it usually was about what fat pigs they were, or how hot they were but he’d have to turn down invitations to their cabins.

In fact, most all of his stories are about the sexy, model-quality women who threw themselves at him daily...but of course he would never, ever cheat on his girlfriend. Let’s forget that he twice woke up with a woman’s hand in his pants. Let’s forget he believed it was okay for his married coworkers to be sleeping around on the boat. Let’s forget he had A LOT of paranoia about people telling his girlfriend that he was having sex with other girls. But no, HE totally resisted all the women who couldn’t resist him (which, according to him, was every woman).

This author is also a douche...at one point in the book he repeatedly talks about a “fat” coworker, how her ass didn’t fit on chairs and she loved her desserts but *SHOCK! AWE!* he was surprised to find that even though he was repulsed by her physically, he could still be her friend! He also said because of another coworker’s features and Indonesian skin tone, he was referred to as a monkey. Way to represent, America. 🙄

He also censored the writing in his own book! He uses Cat (yes, capitalized) for everything. “Cat Damnit!” “What the Cat?!” “Cat bless it!” “There was no way in Cat that I was standing for that!”... I refuse to believe he talked like that and still had women falling all over him. He also used asterisks for other curse words. Dude, the whole book is about sex and drinking. I don’t think you need to censor by writing “f***ing”. What a dork.

Still, the info about cruise ships was cool and as I mentioned, an easy read. The author has several more books on the subject but I don’t think I need more stories of drinking until passing out, working drunk, and this guy resisting the advances of copious amounts of women. No more Cat. 🐈