The Marriage Book

by Nicky Lee, Sila Lee

"Most couples come into marriage with big expectations. As they leave their wedding through a shower of confetti and meander off into the sunset, they cannot imagine ever not wanting to be together. The long-term reality is different and potentially, far better." Nicky & Sila Lee How can we be happily married to one person for the whole of our lives? How do we resolve conflict? How can we discover and rediscover sexual intimacy? Full of practical advice, The Marriage Book is easy to read and is designed to prepare , build, and even mend marriages. Nicky & Sila Lee have been married for over thirty years and have four children. They are on staff at Holy Trinity Brompton, London, UK. They have spoken to thousands on the subject of marriage and family life, co authored The Marriage Book and The Parenting Book, and created the Marriage Course and Marriage Preparation Course.

Genres: Christian, Marriage, Nonfiction, Relationships, Self Help, Theology, Personal Development

336 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2000

Reviews

[Courtney Williams · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm writing this review from the perspective of a non-Christian. Yes, there are a couple of comments about homosexuality that made me cringe and a few more anecdotes about Christianity saving marriages than probably necessary. However, the majority of the book is just solid, priceless advice for building a successful marriage. It might be just that little bit too alienating for gay couples to get through, which is the shame. (Maybe there is a more progressive equivalent out there that someone can suggest?) Otherwise, if you aren't a Christian, put any frustrations toward the religion you have aside and read this with an open mind. Chances are you and your spouse will be glad you did.

[Colin · Rating 4 out of 5]

My wife and I completed Nicky & Sila Lee’s “The Marriage Course” at our church. It is a superb programme which we undertook together. Although other couples do the course at the same time, the only discussion - well-guided and substantial - takes place between husband and wife only. The DVD presentation was excellent - cleverly clearly Christian in foundation but applicable to believers and unbelievers alike. The tone is accessible, windsome, honest and direct. There are lots of stories and interviews that underline the variety of temperaments and backgrounds and personalities that make a marriage. It was a very positive experience for us.

So when I felt, a couple of years on, that a refresher might be nice, I was delighted to see that there is a book version of the series.

The book has the same lovely tone, a conversational tone of anecdote, honesty and humour. It is very readable, with a clear logic to the run of the chapters, which are a good length to be digestible by most readers, be they seasoned and keen or reluctant and infrequent.

The material matches the DVD course well. I’d encourage anyone thinking about reading the book to seek out and complete the DVD course, which has the addition of many short interviews which stimulate thought and show how real people have been able to build positive marriages, often through significant - and less significant - difficulties. That said, the book stands very well on its own.

Whereas the course is completed as a couple, I chose to read the book on my own. Interestingly, my wife was most chuffed when I told her I was reading a book on marriage (without her asking me!)

The Christian content is more direct in the book than the course (which is simply a point of difference.). It is presented in such as way as to be aware that not all share faith and there is much to be gained by anyone who reads this book, regardless of religious convictions.

I would say that much of the marriage material created by conservative evangelicals that I’ve read and listened to over the years has a more overtly theological foundation. Such material has strengths which have helped me remember that marriage is a picture of a greater reality, the relationship between Christ and the church. I think Nicky and Sila believe that, but focus more on the practical and emotional dynamics of living that picture out. Both approaches have a complimentary value.

The appendices are helpful practical nuggets of input on pre-marriage, engagement, finances and praying together. Keeping them to the end I think helps keep the content throughout the book streamlined. Good move.

I think the take-homes from the Lees are that we are all different, that many of our conflicts come from lacking awareness and grace, that learning to listen, enjoy each other, pray for each other and laugh together as we trust God will shape our marriages profoundly.

Be it course or book, I have to say for sheer encouragement and celebration, for a hopeful expectancy of growth, forgiveness, thankfulness and tenderness, Nicky and Sila Lee have created a most valuable, practical and accessible resource.

[Vonetta · Rating 4 out of 5]

After 3 years of marriage, my husband and I are doing the Marriage Course as a freshen-up. We're fine, but we wanted the refresher. It's been great! Reading the book, supplemented by the class, has had a powerful impact on our marriage. Like I said, we weren't in any way on the rocks, but we're closer than we've ever been because we've been conscious to listen to each other and to be gentle with each other, even beyond the physical. Even for non-Christians, I can see this book being helpful; it doesn't club you over the head with the Bible, and it lays out simple foundational principles like communication and respect. (Full disclosure: I am Christian, but am being pluralistic here.) One thing I didn't quite get was why all the women in the examples didn't work. I work; roughly 98% of the married women I know work. It'd be helpful to talk about these ideas when both people work, but the principles are still there. I was afraid that they might assign strict gender roles, but nope, they didn't really offend me at all. Highly recommend!

[Pieter Rademeyer · Rating 5 out of 5]

The course guest manual is to be used when attending the Marriage Course" in person.
When my wife and I attended the marriage course it was not what we expected, it was a whole lot better. It is open to anybody, and although our marriage was strong going into the course we learned to better it even more. Even if you do not have problems in your marriage, do it!

[Wendy · Rating 3 out of 5]

A good friend suggested I read this book to perhaps find some insight into a friend's failed marriage. Having read Gary Chapman's book The Five Languages of Love many years ago, I found this book kept referring to Chapman's book. This book is definitely from the Christian perspective which might help a lot of people. For non Christian people though a lot of the book told stories of how people let God flow through them or by having Jesus in their lives helped them through difficult times etc etc might be a bit off putting and a bit of shoving religion down your throat.

I guess for people starting out in married life this book might give some things to consider but for people who have been married for a long time I found a lot of the book was just common sense. Basically when two people meet and fall in love, after the initial excitement of getting to know one another the everyday way of life sets in. How we navigate our differences and come to a mutual understanding of how we share our lives together is fraught with many hurdles. The book covers communication, respect, trust, showing kindness to one another, forgiveness and sex and a few more. If we can somehow figure out how to navigate all these topics overtime we will have a successful relationship.

Personally I didn't particularly learn anything I didn't already know but perhaps some people may need a step by step guide in learning the tools of how to stay in love and how to maintain a healthy relationship with our partner whether there be god involved or not.

[Hannah Hernández · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is quite insightful and practical and relevant despite being written 20 years ago. I especially enjoyed the illustrations and the sections of: The Power of Forgiveness, Parents & In-laws and Good Sex. I also found quite helpful that by the end of each section there was a Conclusion summarizing the topics addressed and a sentence line to remember and make it even more practical. Even though, in my opinion, many of the issues in the book were quite 'basic' I love the fact that they share numerous stories, testimonies, Scriptures and practical ways of making marriage an adventure worth embarking in! ;) I am excited to use some of their tips for my own marriage to come, in God's time.

[April · Rating 3 out of 5]

While this book had some good tips and advice, it is very religious. I probably would have read a different book if this was properly advertised as a Christian book. Between the paragraphs telling us to pray and let God lead the way, there is some sound advice. While most of the advice is obvious, it can be helpful. This book is definitely geared towards a heterosexual, God fearing couple. There are a few pages that say we should save ourselves for marriage, repent our sins, and ask our new spouse for forgiveness if we had a prior relationship. This book wasn’t my cup of teal, but I hope it can help someone else who reads it.

[Sarah-Anne · Rating 4 out of 5]

I do find it hard rating non fiction. Took me 4 years of marriage to actually finish this book - decided a couple of months ago to get serious about reading it . Some excellent advice and worth the read . I do feel though that being married to a non -believer makes some of the thinking in this book redundant to my marriage. I am unable to apply some of the advice as my husband has an alternate world view.
Well laid out book . Feel that if every couple took marriage seriously and worked through issues with foresight before disaster strikes , it would enable couples to stay together .

[Marie · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best book on marriage I have ever read. Each chapter is filled with practical advices, reflection and quotes. The authors, Nicky and Sila Lee are HTB pastors and have taught for decades the alpha course for couples. This book has been written after years of wisdom.
I can only recommend this book to my friends. You won't regret reading it as it can be a great help for yourself or to help others.

La version française "Un couple pour la vie c'est possible" est très bien - probablement plus éditée mais ça vaut la peine de ma chercher! édition Alpha France.

[Jan Jaap]

De Nederlandse titelbeschrijving vermeldt niet de naam van de illustrator (Charlie Mackesy).

Onderstaande link geeft de optie tot een preview van een Engelse editie:
https://www.betterworldbooks.com/prod...
Dit is het digitaal te lenen exemplaar van archive.org .

https://shop.buijten.nl/product/ik-oo... (2020) € 23,15
http://www.worldcat.org/oclc/66618741 (2004)

[Elissa Johnston · Rating 5 out of 5]

Perfect for those already married. I was given this book while engaged during a marriage course and shelved it to read, and finally picked it up again. It is packed with excellent advice, and having been married for the last decade I agree with the wisdom of the book. While engaged and newly weds would thrive on the content, there is so much value to married couples, fresh insights and timely reminders.

[Elise Thompson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Sentiments are still very relevant and there are some great lessons in here that I would recommend for anyone before embarking on a marriage, Christian or non Christian.

There are some dated moments referring to ‘turning off the answering machine’ and dare I say some of the sex advice is perhaps a little naive now, but that could just be me!

[Sheri-lee · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a really good book both for those in preparation to get married and for people like us who have been married for >20 years. There are always things that can be worked at or improved or adjusted. We all grow and change and inevitably our marriage relationship does and should too.

[Chelsey with a y · Rating 5 out of 5]

My husband and I started reading this book together 2 months ago in preparation for the marriage course that we did with our church. This book is incredible and if you are married or engaged, I highly recommend you read it. It covers 7 great topics for every marriage.

[Tina · Rating 5 out of 5]

must have to read for each person, who has willingness to prepare for marriage.

[Liz · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent marriage book

[Stephen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some good advice/helpful tips for married people/those about to get married.
Communication is always key, but preparation for when surprises/hardships come along doesn't hurt.

[Marcellus · Rating 4 out of 5]

great read

This book opened my mind and heart as to how relationships are important and how to keep love within it alive

[Brandon · Rating 4 out of 5]

The course did wonders for us. The book is a lot to read but there is nothing wrong with taking notes and being prepared! Would recommend.

[Ján · Rating 3 out of 5]

3,5/5. A pretty good book. Some examples are a bit crazier, but there are too many little gems inside to disregard this book. Was worth it.

[Farah · Rating 3 out of 5]

Quite wise, glad I read it

[Olivia · Rating 5 out of 5]

5/5 Suosittelisin ehdottomasti. Paikka paikoin hassuja suomennoksia mutta muuten tosi toimiva.

[Richard Ripamonti · Rating 3 out of 5]

Random anecdotes

[Aleš Bednařík · Rating 3 out of 5]

Viac kresťanská propaganda ako manželské múdrostí. Ale to co píšu o manželstve nie sú hlúposti okrem toho že je to jediná správna možnosť ako žiť v páre.

[Stefan Salonen · Rating 5 out of 5]

En väldigt bra bok för den som vill få ett bättre äktenskap / rädda sitt äktenskap.

[Michal Čop · Rating 2 out of 5]

Túto knihu sme čítali v rámci nášho manželského stretka a tak ju aj vnímam. Sedem tém, ktoré táto kniha rozoberá (dlhodobý cieľ, komunikácia, skutky lásky, konflikty, odpustenie, svokrovci a sex) tu nie sú komplexne rozobrané, skôr sú to len také prvé nástrely do jednotlivých oblastí manželského života. Nám osobne to vyhovovalo, keďže jednotlivé kapitoly nám slúžili ako podnety k diskusiám v rámci stretka.

Kniha je napísaná jednoduchým štýlom. Je to taká zmes populárnej psychológie a "populárneho" kresťanstva. V texte je preto veľa príkladov zo života. Taktiež veľa odsekov a kapitol, takže kniha sa číta veľmi ľahko. Okrem toho sú v knihe celkom vtipné obrázky, ktoré vkusne dotvárajú jej štýl.

Tá kniha chcela byť, a stala sa bestsellerom. A tak k nej aj treba pristupovať. Je to jednoduché čítanie. Ak čitateľ hľadá niečo hlboké, asi sa sklame, no ak si chce nájsť oddychovú aktivitu na večer a pritom spraviť niečo pre svoje manželstvo, tak je na správnom mieste. Pritom viaceré veci z knihy je užitočné si osvojiť, takže sa určite nejedná o stratu času.

[Nathan · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is superb, and perhaps superior to other marriage hand-books, because it is written as a book for any marriage and not just newly-weds. I can imagine myself reading it again (or at least some of the chapters) after our first year of marriage to refresh a lot of the ideas in my mind.

Also, the use of real situations from the authors' and other people's lives, as well as the support from various scriptures, grounds this book in reality and prevents the practical suggestions from being created from an idealised viewpoint.

The only thing that prevents it from receiving a full fives stars is the lack of questions which could be posed to the reader at the end of each section; however, there is more than enough material here to create your own reflections and maximise the potential in your own marriage.

I will certainly be reading the 'next' book by the same authors, 'The Parenting Book', but I'll leave it until the time comes!

[James Horgan · Rating 3 out of 5]

A helpful summary of practical approaches that can help marriage function well. There are summaries of Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages, as well as Myers-Briggs analyses.

Christian or not you will find this a helpful book. If you have been married some years and already familiar with Chapman and MB you won't find much new.

There is little that is explicitly Christian or requires a Christian worldview. That is both its strength, as anyone with marriage challenges will find it helpful, and its weakness as no one with marriage challenges will get to the heart of what their marriage needs to be about.

One notable additional weakness is the limited discussion of sin, its effects and Christ's redemption from it. I suspect, sadly, that this is a common approach for material from Holy Trinity Brompton, and is a major contrast with faithful Reformed preaching.

[Faire · Rating 5 out of 5]

We have done the Marriage Course (DVD + book + exercises) as a part of our curriculum in a YWAM Family Ministries School - and boy am I grateful for that! We had a good marriage but still the exercises made us to improve our communication and conflict resolution A LOT. They even challenged us to communicate clearly and openly about topics that we were avoiding before - sex, past hurts, problems. What is the strong point is the approach - the authors are not trying to micromanage the relations of the readers, but to encourage them to start communicating and practically employing the basic principles. Great guide to make the marriage better!

[Ekmef · Rating 1 out of 5]

Vooral overslaan dit boek. Het is een hergekauwde samenvatting van 'Wat wil hij, wat wil zij' en 'de 5 talen van de liefde' - als je die boeken ooit gelezen hebt kan je dit boek gerust overslaan. Naast het feit dat ik me toch sterk afvraag of er ooit stellen bestaan die liever twee jaar zwijgen over een lullig incidentje dan gewoon direct aangeven dat een opmerking niet zo goed viel, lijken de schrijvers ook nog in het jaar nul te leven mbt visie op seksualiteit. Evidence based is het in het geheel niet.

Aan de andere kant is het best leuk om dit boek als getrouwd stel samen te lezen, maar erg leerzaam is het in elk geval niet.