Love Them Well: Supporting Your Loved Ones as They Walk the Road of Infertility

by Thelma Nienhuis

INFERTILITY IS NO SMALL THING.
Infertility is a painful road; a grief unlike any other, it is often misunderstood and casually dismissed. For couples facing the complexity of infertility, the fair-weather friend or impatient family member can often compound pain and increase sorrow.

After twenty years of unintentional research as a childless woman, Thelma Nienhuis knows what the family facing infertility needs: people who stay.

This is a book for:

those who want to stay and love the suffering well
those willing to stand in the mess of grief and love well through it all
those willing to hold silence for hard decisions, weep through devastation, and celebrate moments of joy
If you want to know how to show up and love well, this book is for you. Bearing witness to the pain of another is complex and arduous.

Allow Love Them Well to guide and inform your support.

Genres: Nonfiction

140 pages, Paperback

Published February 17, 2023

Reviews

[Mariah Jensen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wanted to read this book to grow my compassion. I wanted to know how to better care for the people in my life now and in the future who may experience the grief of infertility. After all, "Bearing witness to the pain of another is an act of love."

The church is not always kind to women without children, applying pity and judgment to anyone in that category. There have been moments when the church has not been kind to me as a married woman who will likely want children someday, but does not desire them now. I have felt the unspoken judgment of my selfishness and the implied question of why I would want to pursue higher education, a career, a personal ministry, or any interests before or perhaps instead of being a mom, my supposed highest, and to some, only calling. My family of two is not labelled a family, even though "God made a family of two and declared it very good. This union of man and woman was very good, even before children were in the picture. We have learned over the generations to narrow our definition of family to a unit that includes children, but that is a notion of our own social conditioning."

The 'oh, you'll want kids someday' the 'who will take care of you?', 'do you just not like kids?' or my favorite, 'you don't get it because you don't have kids'. Things that may carry elements of truth, but much better left unsaid. The weekday morning Bible study and MOPs, designed not only for moms, but for stay-at-home ones. The blurring of lines between purpose and calling that seems to happen most with motherhood. Please don't hear me saying that motherhood/parenthood isn't important - it is vital - but to rank it as 'highest' diminishes the value of single people, people experiencing infertility, or anyone called to other roles.

Frankly, I am exhausted; how much more would I experience this exhaustion, pain, discomfort, and grief if I desperately wanted to grow my family now and wasn't able, yet or perhaps ever?

If I know a glimpse of the discomfort and tension of this 'young-married' season of life and the expectations surrounding it, it can compel me to care deeply. To watch what I say when someone confesses that they are going through infertility. To perhaps not say anything at all, and fight every fiber of my being that wants to fix to just be.

And most of all, to be someone who stays. "Choosing to be the one who stays will always be a costly, treasured gift." and it is worthwhile. Through the grief, waiting and decisions, I can see the women in my life as worthy and valuable, divinely ordained with purpose, with AND without children, seeing that children are a blessing, and not the ONLY way the Lord blesses. And I can believe it, fully. I can apologize when I make mistakes in the pursuit of loving well, and to choose to be filled up with Jesus and pour out His love to everyone, including the women in my world who are walking through this. I can do better, and I can encourage you to reflect and do better, too.

✨ "The gift of loving well is one you can only give when you dwell in the astonishing grace of Christ Jesus. Giving in and only of yourself will result in a well quickly emptied. The gift you impart in being the one who stays is one drawn—ultimately —from the reality that you are the recipient of the greatest staying power known to man: Emmanuel. The God who is with you and for you, who goes before and hems you in, is your purest source of love. From him, you find not only the wellspring of your own love but also the faithful, sacrificial example of giving you need to move toward others. Jesus showed again and again how costly his love is, and so you, in turn, will do your utmost to imitate his self-emptying, costly love." ✨

I want to shout from rooftops that this is an important book and everyone (especially if you are a part of a Christian community and interact with women in that community, well, ever) should read it.

[Jenna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing book with accurate insight into the world of infertility! We all know someone walking the path of infertility and it can be difficult to understand and say the right things. As someone who struggles with infertility personally, I felt so seen, understood, and validated while reading Thelma’s words. It was like she was taking my jumbled thoughts and feelings over the last several years and put them into perfectly articulated words. There were parts that had me sobbing and parts that had me clapping and yelling, “Yes!”
This book will give you eyes into our deepest thoughts, worries, and dreams. It’ll tell you the things we want to say but have been too scared to. And as the title says, it’ll help you love us well.

[Jenngb · Rating 5 out of 5]

A beautiful, compassionate book about how to show love to couples going through infertility. In a confusing, sad, frustrating time, this is an invaluable resource for family and friends, in a culture that can be very child-centric. Highly recommend!

[Jodie Van Dyk · Rating 5 out of 5]

I appreciate the honesty with which Thelma shares her story. As someone who has issues with infertility and miscarriages I can relate to the "well-meaning" comments that can often be more hurtful. I think this book is helpful for everyone who knows someone going through this journey to understand a little better how they can best support and walk beside someone.

"We are raised to confirm to a society that insist on tying things up in a pretty bow rather than sitting in the mess of grief and suffering for the sake of those we love."

[Kendra Broekhuis · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Love Them Well: Supporting Your Loved Ones as They Walk the Road of Infertility" was incredibly helpful. It provides exactly what the title advertises: a practical guide that describes the grief of infertility, explains the kinds of unhelpful words and advice to avoid, and encourages supporters to stay present even when trying to support their loved ones through infertility is awkward to navigate. I learned a lot about infertility from a biblical perspective that I didn't know before, including the difference between biblical barrenness and medical infertility. And I was especially challenged by quotes and themes such as this one on page 60: "A significant portion of the identity crisis women face in the midst of infertility is found in how their church views women. If we are not creating spaces of belonging for those who do not fit a familial mold, we are failing them." For this and so much more, I encourage you to read and learn from "Love Them Well."

[Alyssa · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book surprised and challenged me in so many ways. I do not have family or close friends experiencing infertility, but I do have people in my life who struggle deeply with mental illness and grief of one form. Thelma's words are so wise, and I found myself jotting down notes so I can remember how to frame suffering and how to walk along side them in this "pain avoidance culture." Chapter 9 has a list of unhelpful things people say to infertile couples, and it was eye-opening and convicted me of how not to speak to people experiencing grief. I highly recommend this book!

[Hosmarhouse1 Hosmar · Rating 5 out of 5]

For anyone wanting to support, walk along side and love a friend struggling with infertility. This is an open, honest, articulately written book that sheds new light on the church and society's pressures of what it means to be a family of two, a woman seen through God's eyes and how to be sensitive and inclusive to those on this journey

[Jennifer Holmes · Rating 5 out of 5]

Love Them Well is a gift to us all. Thelma is an amazing writer, with beauty and vulnerability on every page. This book on what it’s like to struggle with infertility and how we can walk along side those who struggle is a needed book for all of us in the church.

[Thelma Nienhuis · Rating 5 out of 5]

I may be biased, but I think it's pretty damn good. :)

[Terry Law · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found Thelma's book so helpful in making me realize all the things women and men go through when they are struggling with infertility. Highly recommend this book.

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

As someone with 18 years of experience with infertility, I can tell you that this book gets it right. I could call out so many chapters that spoke deeply to my experience (and by ‘so many’ I probably mean all of them), but instead I’ll just ask that you please read this book. Be one that loves us well and one that stays.

We are not overreacting.
We are not broken.
We are not barren.
We are not cursed.
And, brace yourself church folks, we are not spiritual mothers.

1 in 8 American couples will experience infertility, which means that you know people that struggle with it…even if you don’t know who they all are. This book will help you better understand the grief-filled journey that is infertility and help you show love to us in appropriate ways.

[Erica Baldwin · Rating 4 out of 5]

As someone who suffered with infertility, this is an important book for the church to help Christians love with intention, wisdom, and sensitivity. Some parts surprised and challenged me in a good way, like rethinking the phrase "spiritual mothering" and the important purpose and calling of *every* believer as fruitful members of the body. It's definitely a book to read and reference again and again. I appreciate the specificity as well as the understanding that we won't get it right every time, but loving others with understanding is worth the effort.

[Larissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

A deep and thought-provoking book that will make you re-evaluate your values and priorities, and make space for grief in your own life and the lives of those you love.
I loved it. And I cried. A lot. Absolutely recommend.