How (Not) To Have an Arranged Marriage

by Amir Khan

He’s the perfect catch (according to his mother).

Yousef is the golden child to his strict, Pakistani parents, overshadowing his younger sister, Rehana. As he finishes his medical degree in London, Yousef’s life appears to be mapped out for him: become a doctor, marry a suitable girl of his parents’ choosing and, above all, make his family proud. Then Yousef meets fellow medical student Jess and he finds himself torn between two worlds . . . keeping each a secret from the other.

And as graduation day looms, Yousef’s mother informs him that she’s started looking for his wife . . .

From the Sunday Times bestselling author of The Doctor Will See You Now comes a timely, heartfelt novel which looks at all aspects of modern arranged marriages

Genres: Romance, Audiobook, Fiction, Contemporary, India, Cultural, Family Drama

470 pages, Kindle Edition

Published September 7, 2023

Reviews

[Abi Venu-Mahal · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars

Highlighting many of the major issues both men and women face in Asian households, this book does well to cover marriage from a range of perspectives. Although it felt long winded at times, each characters lives and narratives were beautifully mapped out from start to end.

[Ritu Bhathal · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have been looking forward to diving into this since I saw it on several social media channels, and having read the blurb, it felt like a story right up my alley.
And I was not mistaken.
A fantastic story rooted in Pakistani British culture.
Yousef is the golden boy. Born to Pakistani-born parents, he has been brought up to live a certain way and schooled to study a certain career in order to have the best chances in life afforded by his parents.
Dilemmas strike when he is finally independent and at university, meeting different folk from other backgrounds. But he doesn't expect romance to be a factor in his study of Medicine.
Meanwhile, his sister is feeling the pain of being a daughter and a bit of a burden on her family.
Both are of marriageable age and that is when plenty of problems can arise...
I don't want to go into this too much, but I can definitely say I loved this book.
There was the multi-generational POV which, as a British Asian myself, I can see as being key to those from different backgrounds needing, so they can understand the dilemmas faced by British-born Asians and understand a little about the familial pressures put upon us as well.
I could relate to so many situations, despite not being from a Muslim background. There are some embarrassments that are universally Asian, not just belonging to a certain religious background.
The fear of what others will say, competing with the other families, parents wanting the best for their children, despite not really knowing what might be best for them, illicit relationships, falling in love after marriage, and the dreaded falling for someone outside of your cultural background... So much to take in, and so well written.
It was entertaining, educational and relatable.
Can't wait for more fiction from the Dr.!
Many thanks to NetGalley and Pan Macmillan for an ARC.

[Kath · Rating 4 out of 5]

Is there nothing this man cannot do? An easy to read and well written novel covering various topics in a warm and realistic way. Although there was obviously some humour involved, I didn't find the matriarchal character amusing as she was a type found in so many books and films about marriages and cultures whether Catholic, Evangelical, Jewish, Bengali, etc etc. Instead I felt immense sadness for so many women like that who had to give up any hope of individual freedom and instead tried to channel their frustrations and desires through their children.

The book asked serious questions in a gentle way and without judgement.
Thank you Dr Amir.

[Zoe · Rating 4 out of 5]

Astute, passionate, and compelling!

How (Not) to Have an Arranged Marriage is a fresh, heartwarming tale that takes you into the life of Yousef Ahmed, a hardworking Muslim young man, as he struggles to juggle a demanding career, a whole slew of familial expectations, and a deep, everlasting love for a woman his family will never approve of.

The prose is heartfelt and light. The characters are kind, independent, and intelligent. And the plot is a push-pull tale of familial responsibility, intrusive parents, witty banter, tender moments, goals, expectations, secrets, friendship, chemistry, introspection, honesty, and love.

Overall, How (Not) to Have an Arranged Marriage has everything you look for in a rom-com novel, as well as the added bonus of a touch of culture, traditions, parental pressures, and timely issues.

Thank you to Publishers Group Canada for gifting me a copy in exchange for an honest review.

[Britt N · Rating 5 out of 5]

O-M-Geeee!! This book was SO ADORABLE!! It was very cute and very funny. I really liked how each chapter was from a different character's P.O.V., and how it was about how each character approached and dealt with finding love/getting married/modern arranged marriages. I loved that it included a lot of both the Indian and Pakistani cultures, and how even though the MFC was white, she too came from a family with traditions that she wanted to be respected as well, even though she was presented mostly as not having these. This was a very easy to read book, I absolutely just got swept up in all of the stories. I read it as a library book, but I may just have to get a copy for myself.

[Susie Platt · Rating 4 out of 5]

I adored this book. I enjoyed the different representations of how love can happen. It was different than expected. It was told from many perspectives and had (mostly) likable characters whose beliefs were understandable.

[tejal · Rating 2 out of 5]

I found this quite stereotypical and the topic already well-worn. There's nothing new or refreshing about the themes of this novel and it's pretty disappointing. I also found it quite unrealistic in places especially the ending - it seemed rushed. The writing style was fine if a little too heavy on the telling but this book just didn't work for me.

[Becky · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5 stars... A holiday read (ebook from the library). Interesting subject - arranged marriage, multiculturalism, intergenerational disputes - but the writing didn't captivate me. The characters were quite repetitive and at times very two dimensional. Dragged my way through the hurried but neatly tied up ending.

[Oana · Rating 4 out of 5]

Despite the fact that I'd say Yousef is a jerk and a mama's boy and Jess is a doormat I LOVED this book for the immersion it game me in the Pakistani culture in such a fun way.
I even think Jess and Yousef have great chemistry and they deserve one another. They're equally... special. :))

[Claire Cherrington · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book and brilliant each chapter was from the perspective of a different character

[Judy · Rating 4 out of 5]

A fun book with a range of cultural issues at its centre. The mother was a hoot, but there were serious threads as well. Only negative is that it was longer than it needed to be in my opinion.

[Nivetha · Rating 2 out of 5]

I understand having unlikeable characters. However, if the only characters without red flags are peripheral (Emma & Nadeem), we have a problem.

[Booknerdreads Grace Haddad · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was such a wonderful story filled with love and culture and the balance between happiness and keeping tradition. I loved learning about the Pakistani culture and I loved getting to follow each character through their journey to love and happiness and most importantly for the plot! Marriage! I think this book does a wonderful job of outlining family dynamics and the growing pains of becoming your own person and how that affects those around us. I highly recommend this to fans of literary fiction and just a touch of romance!

[Maya · Rating 5 out of 5]

Somehow really enjoyed this? 4.5*

[Rehana · Rating 2 out of 5]

Not great…….BUT one of the characters was named Rehana!!!! Way too fun to read seeing my name, had to finish it solely for that reason

[Sharon · Rating 4 out of 5]

Loved this book it was a great read. Gained some insight into Pakistani customs.
Wonder how much of the authors life experiences have been recounted in this book.

[Shagufta · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.75 to 4 stars

[Emmapettitt · Rating 2 out of 5]

It was ok - you know what you're getting when you see the cover.

[Tilly · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed this, the multi character split worked well and I liked the variety of viewpoints and experiences of arranged marriages/ organic love. It kept me reading right to the end.

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

How (not) to have an arranged marriage is a beautifully written story, that incorporates different cultures. At its core is love and family. Despite being centred on a Pakistani family, I felt I could resonate - my mother in law was similar to the main character and it took several years for her to accept me for her "little boy". It's a story told from several perspectives, that focuses on young adults exploring different avenues into marriage. I fell in love with each character, and laughed and cried listening to the audio book. I would really recommend, for any young person looking for love and marriage but also for any parent who, at some point, will witness their children get married and start their own families. It encapsulates the 21st Century difficulties - how to merge traditional cultures, how to watch your children grow up in a world different to what you want and how to find the best for your children... without causing them pain.

[Dee · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very, very enjoyable read with a light-hearted yet serious explanation of the culture 'clash' that can occur in our modern multicultural society. Well done, Dr. Khan (love your garden & birdwatching p0osts too!)

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve been looking forward to this for ages. Even before I really knew what it was going to be. I loved Dr Amir’s memoir and when he said he was writing again I knew I would want to read it!

This book was fabulous. The writing was incredible and the story or should I say stories were exceptional. This book was so many peoples story. I am absolutely exhausted and I only read it. I can’t imagine living life with these kind of expectations. This book made me cry and it made me laugh. It taught me things. It made me be thankful for what I have and appreciate some things I’ve previously taken for granted.

This book has chapters from so many different perspectives but it didn’t once feel confusing and only enhanced the story. There are some absolutely stunning descriptions of ceremonies in this book. I felt as though I got to attend them without worrying about what to wear or how to appropriately conduct myself.

There are so many characters in this book and they all experienced so much growth. They learnt so much about themselves and each other. What a journey this book was. Events happened I expected, while others didn’t. And so many beautiful things happened I couldn’t possibly have thought of. I loved every moment of this wonderful book.

[Adelyne · Rating 4 out of 5]

4 stars.

I liked this more than I had expected to, a story of a family of arranged marriage in a Pakistani-British family. While I have to admit the characters drove me nuts sometimes: they were all so incredibly selfish!! in a way I can see how this is realistic of the arranged marriage scene and in families where parents somehow feel it is their responsibility to "get" their children married. I listened to this as an audiobook, read brilliantly by the author, though this means I actually don't know how the different character names are spelt apart from the ones who are mentioned on the blurb.

Rehana was my favourite character throughout the course of the book, I thought she was the only one that was vaguely normal for most part of it, though it was quite clear to me from the outset that both she and Youssef would have happy endings, as torn as I was with wanting Youssef to end up with Jess after he had behaved like such a spoiled brat earlier on. I thought it was not at all unreasonable for her wanting their relationship to be more in the open, at least to his family, and his putting her off only to decide not to do it at all at the end of their medical school was terrible behaviour .

I did like the author's representation of the different scenes - from the gossipy aunties to the lavish festival that is thrown in conjunction with weddings. It was very realistic and well narrated in the audiobook version, I almost felt as a part of the family by the end of the story. Very enjoyable one to have spent the last week listening to, I only dropped points because I felt like the ending was overly rushed, there were too many "brain transplants" to wrap everything up in a neat little bow by the end, and I don't really like it when books suddenly zoom to the finish in this way .

[Chrys · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really liked the characters and their situations were interesting, but unfortunately I found the writing style to be quite difficult to connect with. It was brilliantly informative, but I just didn’t get an emotional connection. Which was a real shame, as I really enjoyed the concept.
I think this would probably translate really well into a tv show or film.

[Sukh Hamilton · Rating 3 out of 5]

When this book wasn’t channelling ‘Bend it like Beckham’ it was actually not too bad. It got better as it progressed- I thought the bit about the photographer was quite amusing and actually very on point. I wanted to throttle Yusef initially but quite liked Emma.

[Annie Wang · Rating 3 out of 5]

An easy read, though the portrayal of female characters and marriage felt like a caricature. Perhaps too much dialogue about nail polish and makeup…

[Bookworm · Rating 4 out of 5]

I had this on my "to read" list for quite awhile and was glad I could snag an overstock copy from Book Outlet. I came across the Dr. on social media: some post relating to animals or maybe his mum. All the same, I was interested because it sounded like an interesting premise: Dr. writes about arranged marriages, which he is very familiar with, having six sisters who all had marriages (some arranged, some not). I don't have direct experience with arranged marriages but do know people who do and come from a similar background from Khan so I was intrigued.

Khan gives us the story of a Muslim family and those in their orbit: friends, partners, potential spouses and their families, etc. Told in alternating takes, this is mostly the story of Yousef, the older son who becomes a doctor an his sister, Rehana. Eventually it gets to the point where their mum has the idea of arranging marriages for each of them. In a story that is a clash of culture, generations, ideas of love/marriage, etc. it's definitely a story.

I was pleasantly surprised. I was unsure how a medical doctor writing a fictional story would go (I know he also has nonfiction under his belt) but it worked out really well. Despite telling the story flipping between characters (which is normally a trope I really hate), overall the story worked out really well. I don't know if he did any sort of research relating to the writing or if he's drawing from the experiences of his family and/or his social circles, etc. but I felt like there was a lot that reflected very similar experiences of those I know and went through the same thing. From fighting the parents on the concept of arranged marriages to trying to find a partner themselves (and having to sort through the weeds to find a match), to deciding to make a total and possibly lifechanging decision after a bad breakup, etc. it felt mostly true to life.

I say "mostly" because there are several reviews that say this was pretty cliche/stereotypical (fair) and I am not without criticisms: despite the multiple POVs mostly working for me, after awhile I thought it was too many and there was no point to granting certain minor characters their own chapter. It isn't completely detrimental to the book (and reflects whose story it really is, etc.) but I'll bet some people will be put off by it. I also thought the ending felt a little rushed and that Khan didn't quite know how to end it with Yousef but that's just me.

Overall it was a fun read. It could have used a bit more editing but as something to read over several nights it was, ultimately a "cozy" read (despite the real-life similarities) where things mostly work out for everyone. Sometimes arranged marriages can be very heavy, with opportunities for exploitation, abuse, etc. but that was not the book Khan was writing and I was glad for that.

This would probably make for a fun miniseries adaptation for a streaming service with lots of opportunities for comedy and drama, etc. I think overall it's really a 3.5 but it beat my expectations and it was what I needed so I'm bumping it up to a 4. Buying it as a bargain buy was right for me: can't find it via my local libraries and I did not want to buy a new copy from the UK, etc. so this was the best way to be able to read on my own timeline. Might be a nice "cozy" read for the beach and/or if you're inside during some stormy weather.

[Steph · Rating 4 out of 5]

4 stars. This book does a lovely job of opening a door into Pakistani culture in the UK, with a diverse range of character perspectives. Yousef is the main character, and he starts the book by breaking up with his white girlfriend of 5 years because he doesn't know how to tell his traditional Pakistani family. His mother, Feroza, is trying to arrange marriages for both Yousef and his sister Rehana, having married her husband Abdul in an arranged marriage before immigrating to the UK.

We also get the perspectives of fantastic side characters. We meet Yousef's best friend Rohit, who is from an Indian Hindu family and trying to find the one through arranged marriage services. We also see the perspective of Jess, Yousef's white girlfriend who wants to be with Yousef but also doesn't want him to lose his cultural connections, and Seema, the woman Yousef's mother is trying to arrange a marriage for him with, and who is from a Pakistani family who Yousef's family see as "non-traditional". There are also flashes of other perspectives as we go.

The multitude of perspectives is both a strength and a weakness of this book. I loved how the different stories showed different types of families, traditions, beliefs, and marriages without putting any one viewpoint above the others. It was clearly written with great respect to the diverse Pakistani and Indian families living in the UK and elsewhere, and the many different ways in which immigrant families hold onto their roots while embracing a new life.

The downside of the many perspectives was it sometimes slowed the progression of the story. In some ways this might have been better done as a series, perhaps focusing on Yousef in one instance and Rehana in another, purely so that we could spend more time with each character while still seeing the story move along. My only other minor criticism is that early in the book, the abundance of perspectives sometimes made it feel like I was being told not shown who the characters were and how they interacted with each other and their cultures.

Overall, this was a great book with a diverse cast of flawed and believable characters that are easy to connect to. In addition to being a lovely exploration of Pakistani and Indian cultures, it's also a broadly relatable story about families that have immigrated to a new country and are finding their own ways to honour their heritage.

As a concluding remark, this book is really undersold but the way it's being marketed. The blurb makes it sound like a love triangle romance between Yousef, his girlfriend, and the woman he's been arranged to marry. That's not even a totally accurate overview of Yousef's story in this book, and completely overlooks Rehana's love story as well as the broader family story. The title also implies that the book is about avoiding arranged marriage. While this is Yousef's story, it overlooks the positive experience of arranged marriage that several of the side characters have in this book. The author has done a fantastic job of showing the advantages of both arranged marriages and "love marriage", and I think the title undersells that. In short, this book is really one to not be judged by its cover.

[Kath · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love Dr Amir - he is a great source of all things medical related and he explains them all in a very easy to understand way, even the complicated ones. He is also a very funny guy on social media, especially his interactions with Mama Khan, so... I was over the moon when I got my mitts on an early copy of this book... And I have to say I blooming loved it.
We start way back when in Pakistan with the arranged marriage of Yousef and Rehana's parents, specifically from his mother Feroza's point of view. Fast forward and we reconnect with Yousef as he, the dutiful Pakistani son, starts his medical degree. Free from the clutches of his parents, Yousef meanders off that path when he falls for fellow medical student Jess. They date all through their training. Yousef keeping her a secret from his parents but promising that he will tell them eventually.
This works reasonably well until just before he is due to graduate and Feroza starts to talk about arranged marriages for both him and his sister...
I absolutely loved this introduction (for me) into this way of life. I especially loved that Yousef's best friend was Indian so, between the three main characters we have a lot of interesting diversity. There is a glossary at the back for some of the vocabulary used but, as I was reading an eBook it wasn't very practical for me so I didn't use it. Turns out, it wasn't that bad of a thing as the context explained the words very well without.
As with Dr Amir's social media, there is an awful lot of humour in the book. This keeps the book balanced as, as you would expect, there is also quite a bit of emotion herein too. Feroza was an exceptionally well created character and I absolutely loved some of her scenes. I especially loved the way she "handled" her husband at times...!
The story is a wee bit predictable and, if it wasn't for the characters being so brilliant, it wouldn't be as good. Definitely more character driven than anything else, and I was also a little dubious about the timeline and what had and hadn't moved on since the jump. But, after all is said and done, the book was so entertaining (and that's the point) so I am not going to worry about a few niggles here and there...
All in all a cracking book that I have no hesitation in recommending. I know he is insanely busy with the day job and everything else he has on his plate but I do hope there is another book bubbling up inside of him... I'll definitely be up for that! My thanks go to the Publisher and Netgalley for the chance to read this book.

[Paromjit · Rating 4 out of 5]

Dr Amir Khan writes an insightful and character driven narrative about the contemporary state of arranged marriages and families, the clash between the 'traditional' and the modern, growing up caught between British and Pakistani life and culture. I have to admit it took me a little time to become immersed in the storytelling, initially I found it doing a little too much telling rather than showing, and it was over explaining points of culture, but it soon grabbed my attention. Yousef is the apple of his proud mother, Feroza's eye, his more rebellious sister, Rehana, pushed into the shadows as she chooses to study English Literature at Leeds University and embarking on a teacher training course..

The obedient Yousef has followed his mother's strict plans for him, studying Medicine, where at the beginning of his course he makes the cardinal mistake of falling for unsuitable fellow football playing medical student, Jess, beautiful and full of the joys of life. Whilst she has been open about her relationship with him to her parents, he has kept her secret from his, although continually promising to come clean. It is the end of their course, with Yousef having insufficient strength to fight the traditional future planned for him. He breaks up with Jess, despite loving her, breaking her heart in the process. We follow the trials and tribulations, the lives, engagements, and weddings of various characters over 4 years, including Yousef and Jess, Rehana, and his accountant friend Rohit.

Khan paints a colourful and vibrant picture of close knit Pakistani family and community life in Birmingham, the culture and traditions, the need to outdo others, the gossip and the threat of 'shame' if rules and expectations are broken. Of going over the top when it comes to celebrations, the tasty food, the clothes, the rich descriptions of traditions and ceremonies in Britin and India, outlining the different types of arranged marriages at play. We observe Feroza's shock when Yousef plans to derail the future she had forseen for him, he turns out to be far more difficult than Rehana, where will it all end? This is a delightfully entertaining read, with plenty of humour, and characters that caught my interest. I think many readers will enjoy getting a glimpse of warm hearted modern Pakistani life, family, culture and marriages. Many thanks to the publisher for an ARC.