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It's Totally Normal!: An LGBTQIA+ Guide to Puberty, Sex, and Gender
Does fingering count as losing my virginity?
How do I know if I am ready for sex?
Does penis size actually matter??
Mother and teen duo Monica and Asha Mehta work together to answer your most pressing questions. Forget the penis-in-vagina basics - this is a queer friendly guide that'll have you rethinking the very definition of sex. Combining expert advice with the personal experiences of teens all over the world, prepare to plunge into the topics they don't cover in sex ed. Masturbation, pornography, fetishes - if you're not afraid to ask, they're not afraid to answer.
How do I know if I am ready for sex?
Does penis size actually matter??
Mother and teen duo Monica and Asha Mehta work together to answer your most pressing questions. Forget the penis-in-vagina basics - this is a queer friendly guide that'll have you rethinking the very definition of sex. Combining expert advice with the personal experiences of teens all over the world, prepare to plunge into the topics they don't cover in sex ed. Masturbation, pornography, fetishes - if you're not afraid to ask, they're not afraid to answer.
206 pages, Paperback
Published May 18, 2023
5 people are currently reading
93 people want to read
About the author
Monica Gupta Mehta
1 book1 followerMonica Gupta Mehta is an award winning author, educator, and amateur artist. Along with her teenage daughter, Asha, Monica has co-authored the book "It's Totally Normal!: An LGBTQIA+ Guide to Puberty, Sex, and Gender." Their book won the AASECT Book Award for Teens Under 18 years old.
Monica is currently working on a collection of short stories showcasing the diversity that exists in the autistic community. You can find her stories, as well as autism related education and artwork, in her new Medium publication, the "Autitude Collection"
Monica has four children (and three dogs!). She lives in the San Francisco Bay Area and enjoys being out in nature, painting, reading, playing games, and of course, writing.
Monica is currently working on a collection of short stories showcasing the diversity that exists in the autistic community. You can find her stories, as well as autism related education and artwork, in her new Medium publication, the "Autitude Collection"
Monica has four children (and three dogs!). She lives in the San Francisco Bay Area and enjoys being out in nature, painting, reading, playing games, and of course, writing.
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Displaying 1 - 28 of 28 reviews
July 1, 2023
This book took me a while to get through but it was because I was in a reading slump in June, not because of the quality of the writing. I found this book extremely topical, relevant and well-written. I agree that there is so little sex education touching on LGBTQIA2+ topics that a book like this is not only helpful for those who fall under this umbrella but should be read by everyone. Teens, young adults and even adults who are new to topics such gender identity, sexuality, being transgender, etc. will find this book indispensable. It was an easy read with comments and stories from the adult author and her teen daughter co-author as well as anonymous questions from their podcast listeners. I found the subjects handled really well, the advice sound and well-researched, and the vocabulary and slang terms to be quite thorough. The only section I found to be lacking was the resources page, which was way shorter than I was expecting as it was referred to numerous times. There were only a handful of US websites listed, one for the UK and none for Canada. For anyone interested, I have found Scarleteen to be a very useful website for any topic related to gender and sexuality for this age group.
March 29, 2023
I saw this book on Netgalley and got so excited, I had to snap it up. On the cover it says “An LGBTQIA+ guide to puberty, sex, and gender.” After reading it, I can safely say that THIS is the book to hand your LGBTQIA+ teen to answer answer a lot of those questions that they might be embarrassed to ask you.
I feel like there really aren’t a lot of thorough sex ex/body books but this one does not hold back! I also appreciate how diverse the people and bodies in the book are.
I was so happy to see the use of AFAB/AMAB (assigned female at birth/assigned male at birth) and “bodies with vaginas” and “bodies with penises.” It makes more people feel included.
Probably my favorite things in the book are the drawings/charts of not just body parts but also gender affirming surgery (such as vaginoplasty, metoidioplasty, and phalloplasty).
The book talks about a wide range of subjects including bodies, gender, sexuality, consent, being an ally, intersectionality, masturbation, types of sex, safer sex, and so much more. Each chapter ends with a quick question and answer section.
My only real complaint about the book is that they push adoption pretty hard and refer to it as “giving up” a baby instead of “placing a baby for adoption”. But they do still talk about other options.
Thank you to NetGalley for providing me with a review copy.
I feel like there really aren’t a lot of thorough sex ex/body books but this one does not hold back! I also appreciate how diverse the people and bodies in the book are.
I was so happy to see the use of AFAB/AMAB (assigned female at birth/assigned male at birth) and “bodies with vaginas” and “bodies with penises.” It makes more people feel included.
Probably my favorite things in the book are the drawings/charts of not just body parts but also gender affirming surgery (such as vaginoplasty, metoidioplasty, and phalloplasty).
The book talks about a wide range of subjects including bodies, gender, sexuality, consent, being an ally, intersectionality, masturbation, types of sex, safer sex, and so much more. Each chapter ends with a quick question and answer section.
My only real complaint about the book is that they push adoption pretty hard and refer to it as “giving up” a baby instead of “placing a baby for adoption”. But they do still talk about other options.
Thank you to NetGalley for providing me with a review copy.
March 6, 2023
This is my honest review of the NetGalley eARC of this book.
A parent and child duo attempt to create an inclusive, expansive Sex Ed guide in “It’s Totally Normal!”
While I definitely found fault with certain parts of this book, I will say that it’s definitely more comprehensive than the education I received in public school in the mid-aughts. I appreciate the special attention to queer and trans people and even autistic and other neurodivergent people. The book includes some decent illustrations that do a good job representing diverse people, though overall there wasn’t much discussion of disability (especially physical) in the text. I was also surprised that we got diagrams of genital harmonization surgery because that is not something that the target audience of this book is likely to be pursuing, but it wasn’t harmful. I would have preferred a diagram of how to put a condom on properly instead of just having it explained in text, though.
I will list some gripes I had with the book’s construction here:
- Much of the book includes personal anecdotes from the author about her life. While I understand wanting to connect with the reader, this is at odds with the rest of the text, which is more focused on being informative. While it’s nice to know the author went through some struggles and came out the other side, the details are taking up a lot of real estate in the book without much value to those who don’t share her exact experience.
- Each chapter ends with a significant number of advice column style questions where specific situations unique to the asker are addressed. Again, this could show other people similar to a specific reader, but overall I would have preferred the book properly synthesize all the questions and just write a cohesive text. It’s unlikely whoever asked that question is going to buy a whole book to get their individualized answer.
- The order of the chapters surprised me, since based on the author’s stated focus on social and emotional learning I thought the text would build from relationships into sex. It made it necessary several times to say “more on that later” instead of following a natural progression.
More specific gripes:
- the book perpetuates the myth that shaved hair grows back thicker (specifically on women’s upper lips)
- there were numerous references to breaking the hymen or some people having broken their hymen with physical activity at a young age, which is a common myth and just not how that works at all.
- while the book does address that sending nudes can be illegal/considered distribution of child sex abuse materials, it also normalizes minors accessing websites or apps to view pornography they are legally not allowed to. Specific apps that are age restricted to adults are mentioned. I understand acknowledging that teens view pornography, but I would not have addressed it in this way.
- the book brings up the option of adoption if you are pregnant before bringing up abortion, and does not challenge the problems with the modern adoption industry. There is also a lot of weird pushing into adoption if you choose to keep your pregnancy because of studies that show if you keep your child they will have a bad life. There isn’t any discussion of teen parenting, just pregnancy.
- the book suggests plan B or other emergency contraceptives without a common important note that weight affects the dosage and fat people may not get the desired effect from these medications.
- the book mentions the effectiveness percentages of contraceptives without really explaining what they mean or details about how to achieve that percentage.
- a few of the questions were clearly sent in by adults and the answers didn’t really apply to teens.
The relationship parts at the end were well done, and it seems to be more the author’s expertise. I wouldn’t mind giving this to a teen in my life, but I think we can do better.
A parent and child duo attempt to create an inclusive, expansive Sex Ed guide in “It’s Totally Normal!”
While I definitely found fault with certain parts of this book, I will say that it’s definitely more comprehensive than the education I received in public school in the mid-aughts. I appreciate the special attention to queer and trans people and even autistic and other neurodivergent people. The book includes some decent illustrations that do a good job representing diverse people, though overall there wasn’t much discussion of disability (especially physical) in the text. I was also surprised that we got diagrams of genital harmonization surgery because that is not something that the target audience of this book is likely to be pursuing, but it wasn’t harmful. I would have preferred a diagram of how to put a condom on properly instead of just having it explained in text, though.
I will list some gripes I had with the book’s construction here:
- Much of the book includes personal anecdotes from the author about her life. While I understand wanting to connect with the reader, this is at odds with the rest of the text, which is more focused on being informative. While it’s nice to know the author went through some struggles and came out the other side, the details are taking up a lot of real estate in the book without much value to those who don’t share her exact experience.
- Each chapter ends with a significant number of advice column style questions where specific situations unique to the asker are addressed. Again, this could show other people similar to a specific reader, but overall I would have preferred the book properly synthesize all the questions and just write a cohesive text. It’s unlikely whoever asked that question is going to buy a whole book to get their individualized answer.
- The order of the chapters surprised me, since based on the author’s stated focus on social and emotional learning I thought the text would build from relationships into sex. It made it necessary several times to say “more on that later” instead of following a natural progression.
More specific gripes:
- the book perpetuates the myth that shaved hair grows back thicker (specifically on women’s upper lips)
- there were numerous references to breaking the hymen or some people having broken their hymen with physical activity at a young age, which is a common myth and just not how that works at all.
- while the book does address that sending nudes can be illegal/considered distribution of child sex abuse materials, it also normalizes minors accessing websites or apps to view pornography they are legally not allowed to. Specific apps that are age restricted to adults are mentioned. I understand acknowledging that teens view pornography, but I would not have addressed it in this way.
- the book brings up the option of adoption if you are pregnant before bringing up abortion, and does not challenge the problems with the modern adoption industry. There is also a lot of weird pushing into adoption if you choose to keep your pregnancy because of studies that show if you keep your child they will have a bad life. There isn’t any discussion of teen parenting, just pregnancy.
- the book suggests plan B or other emergency contraceptives without a common important note that weight affects the dosage and fat people may not get the desired effect from these medications.
- the book mentions the effectiveness percentages of contraceptives without really explaining what they mean or details about how to achieve that percentage.
- a few of the questions were clearly sent in by adults and the answers didn’t really apply to teens.
The relationship parts at the end were well done, and it seems to be more the author’s expertise. I wouldn’t mind giving this to a teen in my life, but I think we can do better.
April 15, 2023
This is an accessible and inclusive place to start conversations between parents and kids about gender, sex and identity.
The "birds and bees" conversation has changed pretty drastically in the last 20, even 10 years and will likely continue to change in the future, so it is timely to have a resource like this and to recognise that there will always be a place for updated versions as language, ideas about identity and society change.
The pattern of the way the information is shared makes it an easy read to either read from start to finish or to dip into the parts that are of special interest. There is a blend of glossary style information, personal stories and anonymous question and answer format that mix up thr information delivery.
For those of us who received The Talk that revolved around a gender binary and abstinence... it's refreshing to read something that reminds you that if you DON'T fit into that narrow mold It's Totally Normal.
Received from NetGalley.
The "birds and bees" conversation has changed pretty drastically in the last 20, even 10 years and will likely continue to change in the future, so it is timely to have a resource like this and to recognise that there will always be a place for updated versions as language, ideas about identity and society change.
The pattern of the way the information is shared makes it an easy read to either read from start to finish or to dip into the parts that are of special interest. There is a blend of glossary style information, personal stories and anonymous question and answer format that mix up thr information delivery.
For those of us who received The Talk that revolved around a gender binary and abstinence... it's refreshing to read something that reminds you that if you DON'T fit into that narrow mold It's Totally Normal.
Received from NetGalley.
October 23, 2023
I read this with my 13 year old and we went through it slowly over a few months. We've read other books about puberty, sex and sexuality that have skewed slightly younger. This felt like a good book for an in-between age (and before a kid is ready for something like Let's Talk About It.) The authors take a progressive stance on the topics they are covering and do so with a lot of care. I didn't agree with all of their takes - there was a lot of opportunity for more nuance and consideration - but it all led to great conversations and more questions, so the book more than did its job.
I received a digital Advance Reader Copy from NetGalley and Jessica Kingsley Publishers in exchange for an honest review.
I received a digital Advance Reader Copy from NetGalley and Jessica Kingsley Publishers in exchange for an honest review.
June 2, 2025
Perfect voor in de puberteit👌
November 4, 2023
*definitely a long review*
*Includes quotes from the book*
Overall this was a good book, but I had a few issues with it. I'll just go chapter by chapter.
CHAPTER 1: "I LOVE PUBERTY" (SAID NO ONE, EVER)
✅ This is a trans-inclusive chapter on puberty. Not every person with a penis is a boy, nor is everyone with a vagina a girl. It's important to have more books on puberty that are written like this. As a trans teenager, that meant a lot to me to be able to see myself being welcomed from the puberty chapter and onward.
✅ This chapter talks about feeling romantic and/or sexual attraction! Not just, you'll start feeling attracted to others. There are multiple kinds of attraction that start around puberty, and two of them are romantic and sexual. And not everyone feels both!
✅ I have rarely seen a book that talks about masturbation in a chapter on puberty. People might figure out that masturbation feels good, and they might not know how to do it safely or where it would usually feel best. It was good to see that in there as well as chapter 2.
✅ There was talk about normalizing talk about periods. I also loved that the author(s) pointed out that men, specifically trans men, might have periods still. The mom side of the authors said she saw a picture of a men's bathroom stocked with period products.
✅ There was both the statements that one can shave, but there's not a NEED to shave. It's up to each person. Not everyone has to or wants to shave. It's up for everyone to choose whether or not they want to do that.
✅ There is an entire section about how teenagers are exploring their identities. They are deciding what labels they want to use and what words they like for themselves.
✅ The section on erections includes a section on how to handle an erection. People don't always know how to get it to go away, but the authors talk about it in this book — no embarrassment.
✅ The first chapter also brings up the fact that much media is heteronormative. Most people say that heterosexuality is the best and they see being straight as the "default" sexuality. This chapter mentions the words "comphet" and "compallo", which (for those who don't know) are compulsory heterosexuality and allosexuality.
❎ In the section on masturbation, places to find porn are actually named. There's a reason teens aren't supposed to watch porn. They don't need exposure to pornography or any other sexually explicit material. That made me cringe.
CHAPTER 2: SEX (ONLY YOUR TEACHERS CALL IT "INTERCOURSE")
✅ This brings up many kinds of sex, not just the penis-in-vagina sex that sex-ed teachers don't usually teach. I was glad to see the other kinds of sex described.
✅ It was mentioned that sex may make trans people feel dysphoric — or specific touches and/or actions. Note that it says MAY not WILL, but "may" because not every trans person feels dysphoric having sex.
✅ The authors point out that virginity has been used and is used to shame girls into waiting for sex when they're ready for it. Virginity is also a way that teenagers push each other into having sex before they're ready.
✅ Not everyone who's just starting puberty begins ready for sex, just because their body is. Not every person who has sex is ready for it. But the authors bring up readiness and the value of waiting until one is ready for it.
✅ There's no sugarcoating. Sometimes sex sucks. Sometimes sex is amazing. Sometimes one will achieve an orgasm. Sometimes one won't. The authors are very honest.
✅ The point that Consent and Communication are extremely important is brought up several times. If one communicates well, one will (1) be more likely to having a pleasurable experience and (2) have a healthier sexual relationship.
✅ There is brief mention of "tops" and "bottoms" in sex and why those are labels that can be harmful or helpful. They aren't perfect, but they work well enough that people use them. I was glad that was brought up, both positive and negative.
❎✅ There's a section on sex toys, which is both good and bad. Good because teens know what they are and understand how to use them safely. It's bad because they can't even buy sex toys, so what's the point? Overall it was a good thing.
❎ Most of the questions in this chapter's anonymous sex ed box seemed more geared to specific experiences, not just in general helpful to other people who have different experiences. They made me a little less pleased, but it was… okay.
CHAPTER 3: YES, YES, YES (UNDERSTANDING CONSENT)
✅ Thank you for this chapter on consent! People don't seem to understand the importance of consent, but these authors evidently do. I'm so glad this chapter is in here.
✅ This chapter not only mentions consent, but also explains what it is called when consent isn't given. Sexual assault, sexual harassment, and rape were all explained.
✅ It also brings up that some mental illnesses might mean that people can't actually consent. People with severe learning impairments for example may not be legally able to issue consent to sex.
✅ This chapter brings up the acronyms FRIES: freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic, and specific to explain how consent must be given. If any of these aren't met, then it's not consent. That's important for people to know.
✅ Asking questions doesn't have to kill the mods during sex. Just ask "Do you like this?" and "Does this feel good?" If they are eagerly giving a "yes" answer, you have consent. You don't have to ask "Do I have your consent to continue?"
✅ There is section to explain how you can say no to sex or any kind of sexual activity, like kissing. People never seem to know how to say no, so that section is a necessary thing to tell teenagers.
✅ A separate section is focused on the laws on consent. What are some laws that tell what is consent and what qualifies as rape vs sexual assault vs sexual harassment.
✅ A section tells what to do if you have been raped. Something important it says is "don't change or wash off, because if you want to pursue a case against the person because they raped you, the police need evidence.
✅ The answer to the third question in the anonymous sex ed box is very sensitive to what is going on. There's not a lot of information in the question, but the author(s) give their advice, being sensitive to different possible ways this is.
CHAPTER 4: SAFER SEX (IT DOESN'T KILL THE MOOD)
✅ It is so important for teenagers specifically to have safe sex. Chances are, if a teen is having sex, they probably won't stay with the person and spend their life with the person. Safe sex is highly important, because teens who have sex will probably have sex with 2+ other people.
✅ A section in this chapter talks all about STIs, which, again, teens should understand. If someone is to consent to sex (thinking about the I of FRIES from chapter 3), they should understand the risks. One of those is STIs.
✅ There is a section on HIV as well. It confronts the stigma around it, and then points out the real way HIV works. HIV isn't a punishment on queer people, or anyone who gets HIV from shared syringes or from mother to child must be queer… I doubt it.
✅ There is a section on pregnancy — more specifically, mainly the prevention of pregnancy. In this section, it talks about birth control methods, including condoms, pills, IUDs, implants, and shots, and how they work.
✅ The section on pregnancy includes a paragraph on if one is trying to get pregnant. It mainly says how to prevent against STIs when one is trying for a pregnancy.
✅ There is an explanation on how to use both external and internal condoms. It's not just external condoms (on a penis) that people use! AFABs can put on condoms too.
✅ A section talks about adoption. Not how to adopt, but about how one can put one's child up for adoption if one is a teen who gets pregnant.
✅ A section is all about abortion. There are parts that tell about (1) how it works, (2) what people say about it, and (3) how it can be a hard choice to make.
CHAPTER 5: GENDER (HINT: THERE ARE MORE THAN TWO)
✅ I like that this book defines genderfluid, demiboy, demigirl, and trans masc. Sometimes books just talk about binary trans people (man or woman), so I was grateful for the definition if trans masc and trans femme. Not every trans masc or trans femme person is a boy or a girl. Some are nonbinary.
✅ This chapter mentions how some terms and genders are actually part of other cultures. They have a spiritual and/or cultural connection. That's important to recognize.
✅ It is mentioned that there are trans binary AND nonbinary people. Not all nonbinary people are trans (it's up to the person), but some/many are. I am a trans enby, so seeing that recognized made me feel very seen.
✅ A whole two-page section explains that "biological sex" and gender identity are different and shouldn't be called the same. They can't be expected to be the exact same all the time.
✅ Gender expression is also brought up. I was glad to read about how gender and expression don't always have to "match". Also, nonbinary people aren't expected to all look androgynous says this part: they can look feminine, masculine, or androgynous.
✅ There is a piece (of the section that talks about social transitioning) that talks about misgendering. Often there is a section about misgendering in LGBTQ books, and I was glad to see it mentioned, as always
✅ Deadname is also explained. That isn't something I always see, and I am glad to see that as well.
✅ I was glad to see that there is a paragraph that brings up neopronouns (i.e. it/its, zi/hir, xe/xir, and e/eir). I use neopronouns sometimes, and I understand why people do. Books, again, don't always mention that and this paragraph meant a lot.
✅ A part talks about binders. It doesn't just say that using binders is good; it also mentions the risks and how to use it safely. I liked that there were two businesses that sell safer binders: GC2B and Underworks.
✅ This chapter has a paragraph on tucking. Trans femme or MTF/MTN (trans women and nonbinary people) need things like this to know how to tuck more safely.
✅ The author(s) are supporting anyone using whatever pronouns make them feel best. One sex-ed box question asked if it's okay to use they/them as a cis girl. Answer? Yes, if it feels best to you!
✅❎ Four pages (p.p. 122-125) show images of a metoidioplasty, a phalloplasty, and a vaginoplasty. I didn't look too closely at them, but for those who want to maybe get those surgeries, it would be helpful.
❎ This will be mentioned again the back of the book, but the definition of agender doesn't seem quite right. It doesn't necessarily mean no gender or genderless. It can also mean having a weak connection to gender.
CHAPTER 6: SEXUALITY (BORN THIS WAY)
✅ Sexuality isn't a choice, and that's the first thing that the author(s) say in this chapter. It is not an LGBTQ person's choice to be gay/bi/queer. It's just who one is naturally attracted to.
✅ There is a definition of aromanticism that is accurate. QPPs are mentioned as well and explained, which makes me quite happy as someone who may or may not be in a QPP (it's not really totally defined).
✅ Asexual and aromantic are not placed in the same definition. They aren't the same; therefore, they should not be stuck in the same definition. Believe me, I should know, as I'm on different spots on each of those spectrums.
✅ There is a short story about someone's experiences with people misunderstanding demisexuality. I have experienced that with my labels and I hate it and am relieved that another person experienced that too with that label.
✅ Polyamory is explained in the list of sexualities which I don't always see! I'm not polyamorous myself, but I know that people are and I'm glad to see that defined here. It's also mentioned that polyamory isn't inherently LGBTQ, but it's often included under the LGBTQIA umbrella due to the fact that it's an atypical relationship type.
✅ Omnisexual is defined in this book! People never seem to know what it means, so I'm very excited to see this word defined in here as well.
✅ There is a section on preferences. Just because you might be attracted to anyone doesn't mean you have to date anyone. People can have preferences.
✅ The section on preferences brings up having preferences for genitals but not necessarily gender. Sometimes having a genital preference is based on transphobia, but some people don't see it like that and it doesn't have to happen that way!
✅ A section talks about the difference(s) between romantic, sexual, and platonic attraction. I feel that people, specifically allosexual and allo-romantic people don't quite understand sexual and/or romantic attraction, so I'm glad it's explained here.
✅ One question in the anonymous sex-ed box asks about what to do when one doesn't feel right labeling one's sexual orientation. The author(s) assure the person that one doesn't have to label oneself if one doesn't want to. Although the scenario itself is highly specific, the answer doesn't have to be seen that way.
✅ The third question in this chapter's anonymous sex-ed box asks about whether someone who is bisexual can choose not to date someone of the same gender and/or sex. Again, specific question, but an answer that can apply to anyone: You don't have to date anyone you don't want to; your dating life is up to you.
CHAPTER 7: LGBTQIA+ AND ALLIES (IT'S NOT JUST A PHASE)
✅ It's brought up that queer is a term that many younger LGBTQ people have reclaimed, but there are still those — specifically LGBTQ elders — who don't feel comfortable with that word. I'm glad it's mentioned.
✅ Being an ally is defined. There also is the reminder that the smallest things can make a person's day when they are constantly being hit with the message that they aren't good enough.
✅ People might not know where they are in the community, if they're in the community — and that's okay. It's normal, it makes sense. Don't worry. That's the message of the section on questioning.
✅ The double standards for straight versus gay children is mentioned. I want people to realize this, and Monica Gupta Mehta did.
✅ Gatekeeping is something that people do to control how identity labels are used. Sometimes people in the LGBTQ community do this too. It's not okay and that is also mentioned in this chapter.
✅ There is a section on coming out, per the queer book usual. The author(s) give suggestions about how to come out, to whom to come out, when to come out.
✅ There is mention of what to do if you live in an unsafe environment and you want/need to come out. It depends on whether the environment or your mental health staying in the closet it worse.
✅ Why aren't people always accepting? This chapter even contains a section on that! Again, something people in the LGBTQ community don't always want to address this, but the Mehtas do it anyway.
✅ Intersectionality, the important word. There is a section about how culture, class, race, gender, and sexuality affect the ways people experience the world. These interlap to create different advantages or disadvantages. True and necessary to know.
CHAPTER 8: RELATIONSHIPS (THEY DON'T EXIST INSIDE A BUBBLE)
✅ How does one ask someone out? That's explained here! Specifically, plan for a negative response and a positive response. Then leap.
✅ Polyamory has its own section. Again, polyamory isn't necessarily inherently LGBTQ, but it is an atypical relationship type, so it's often included in the community. It's good to talk about.
✅ There is a section on love. What is real love? How do I know it's not just lust or a crush? They will tell you in the section on it.
✅ There is a part on conflict. There is conflict in any relationship, and it's important to know how to resolve it. I'm grateful for books that mention how to resolve conflicts well.
✅ You need to talk to your partner about sex. The Mehtas have spoken and they tell you how to do it. A basic "I feel…when…I need…" sentence goes a long way!
✅ A special section talks about asexuality (and/or aromanticism) and relationships. People can have relationships even as ace and/or aro people. I'm glad to see a section about this because I'm aroace.
✅ Neurodivergent is mentioned in its own section in the chapter on sexuality. Being neurodivergent is particularly hard when it's not mentioned on LGBTQIA books when being neurodivergent can affect one's sexual and romantic orientations and one's gender.
✅ There is a section about societal expectations which is good to see because society give out…confusing messages on sex and relationships. There are definitely expectations.
✅ Race, ethnicity, religion, and culture have a definite affect on how one thinks about sex and relationships. I was glad to see this fact mentioned in the chapter.
❎ Autism is the only label given under neurodivergent. It's understandable, yes, becaus the mother author's children are autistic. But autism isn't the only neurodivergence that may affect how and whether someone is LGBTQ. It's important for autism to be mentioned, but other kinds of being neurodivergent should come up too.
GLOSSARY
I don't usually review a glossary, but for this one I feel obligated to review it specifically. There are lots of definitions and I want to make sure to point those out, as this is an LGBTQ book.
✅ The definitions of breasts, penis, and vagina are not about the "female" and "male" sex organs. They talk about them as organs that anyone of any gender can have.
✅ Demiboy and demigirl are both mentioned in the book. Not every/many LGBTQ+ books define those words, so I love that this book does include them. That's important to me, as they are less visible labels.
✅ Gatekeeping is defined. Sometimes people do (try to) gatekeep various LGBTQ communities, and I am glad to have this mentioned.
✅ Gay is mentioned as both a specific label and an umbrella term. Both "homosexual men" and anyone but straight trans people who has a not-typical sexual orientation.
✅ Includes queer as the identity label and as an umbrella term. I love the word queer, and I'm glad it was defined in here.
✅ There was a definition of queerplatonic. In some books, queerplatonic relationships aren't even mentioned. So, this includes that and I'm glad.
✅❎ Includes a slang dictionary. That could be good or bad; I feel neutral about it. At least readers will know what's being talked about when other teenagers are talking about vajayjays and code red.
❎ Agender doesn't necessarily mean NO gender. It might mean having a weak connection to gender as well. The book should mention the other definition as well.
ANONYMOUS SEX-ED BOX
I won't review the questions themselves, but I can give some overall yays and nays on these sections, which came at the end of each chapter.
✅ The questions might apply only to a specific person, but the answers are usually more general. Other people than the original questioners can find the answers useful.
✅ Answers promote the same sorts of things. That is: no need to talk about "virginity"; you don't need to labels yourself; you choose how you date and whom you date. Encouraging and helpful.
✅ The authors give simple and understandable answers to the questions.
QUOTES
"Yes, I could have said that females go through puberty earlier than males… but throughout this book I will be normalizing the experience of the transgender community."
- p 1
"Consent is the active permission for something to happen; when it comes to sexual activity, consent should never be assumed."
- p 49
"One thing that is true almost everywhere is that it is never too late to take consent back."
- p 82
"It is the responsibility of both partners equally to protect against pregnancy during sex."
- p 99
"Gender is not your biological sex traits."
- p 110
- Echo (they/them) ⚧️
*Includes quotes from the book*
Overall this was a good book, but I had a few issues with it. I'll just go chapter by chapter.
CHAPTER 1: "I LOVE PUBERTY" (SAID NO ONE, EVER)
✅ This is a trans-inclusive chapter on puberty. Not every person with a penis is a boy, nor is everyone with a vagina a girl. It's important to have more books on puberty that are written like this. As a trans teenager, that meant a lot to me to be able to see myself being welcomed from the puberty chapter and onward.
✅ This chapter talks about feeling romantic and/or sexual attraction! Not just, you'll start feeling attracted to others. There are multiple kinds of attraction that start around puberty, and two of them are romantic and sexual. And not everyone feels both!
✅ I have rarely seen a book that talks about masturbation in a chapter on puberty. People might figure out that masturbation feels good, and they might not know how to do it safely or where it would usually feel best. It was good to see that in there as well as chapter 2.
✅ There was talk about normalizing talk about periods. I also loved that the author(s) pointed out that men, specifically trans men, might have periods still. The mom side of the authors said she saw a picture of a men's bathroom stocked with period products.
✅ There was both the statements that one can shave, but there's not a NEED to shave. It's up to each person. Not everyone has to or wants to shave. It's up for everyone to choose whether or not they want to do that.
✅ There is an entire section about how teenagers are exploring their identities. They are deciding what labels they want to use and what words they like for themselves.
✅ The section on erections includes a section on how to handle an erection. People don't always know how to get it to go away, but the authors talk about it in this book — no embarrassment.
✅ The first chapter also brings up the fact that much media is heteronormative. Most people say that heterosexuality is the best and they see being straight as the "default" sexuality. This chapter mentions the words "comphet" and "compallo", which (for those who don't know) are compulsory heterosexuality and allosexuality.
❎ In the section on masturbation, places to find porn are actually named. There's a reason teens aren't supposed to watch porn. They don't need exposure to pornography or any other sexually explicit material. That made me cringe.
CHAPTER 2: SEX (ONLY YOUR TEACHERS CALL IT "INTERCOURSE")
✅ This brings up many kinds of sex, not just the penis-in-vagina sex that sex-ed teachers don't usually teach. I was glad to see the other kinds of sex described.
✅ It was mentioned that sex may make trans people feel dysphoric — or specific touches and/or actions. Note that it says MAY not WILL, but "may" because not every trans person feels dysphoric having sex.
✅ The authors point out that virginity has been used and is used to shame girls into waiting for sex when they're ready for it. Virginity is also a way that teenagers push each other into having sex before they're ready.
✅ Not everyone who's just starting puberty begins ready for sex, just because their body is. Not every person who has sex is ready for it. But the authors bring up readiness and the value of waiting until one is ready for it.
✅ There's no sugarcoating. Sometimes sex sucks. Sometimes sex is amazing. Sometimes one will achieve an orgasm. Sometimes one won't. The authors are very honest.
✅ The point that Consent and Communication are extremely important is brought up several times. If one communicates well, one will (1) be more likely to having a pleasurable experience and (2) have a healthier sexual relationship.
✅ There is brief mention of "tops" and "bottoms" in sex and why those are labels that can be harmful or helpful. They aren't perfect, but they work well enough that people use them. I was glad that was brought up, both positive and negative.
❎✅ There's a section on sex toys, which is both good and bad. Good because teens know what they are and understand how to use them safely. It's bad because they can't even buy sex toys, so what's the point? Overall it was a good thing.
❎ Most of the questions in this chapter's anonymous sex ed box seemed more geared to specific experiences, not just in general helpful to other people who have different experiences. They made me a little less pleased, but it was… okay.
CHAPTER 3: YES, YES, YES (UNDERSTANDING CONSENT)
✅ Thank you for this chapter on consent! People don't seem to understand the importance of consent, but these authors evidently do. I'm so glad this chapter is in here.
✅ This chapter not only mentions consent, but also explains what it is called when consent isn't given. Sexual assault, sexual harassment, and rape were all explained.
✅ It also brings up that some mental illnesses might mean that people can't actually consent. People with severe learning impairments for example may not be legally able to issue consent to sex.
✅ This chapter brings up the acronyms FRIES: freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic, and specific to explain how consent must be given. If any of these aren't met, then it's not consent. That's important for people to know.
✅ Asking questions doesn't have to kill the mods during sex. Just ask "Do you like this?" and "Does this feel good?" If they are eagerly giving a "yes" answer, you have consent. You don't have to ask "Do I have your consent to continue?"
✅ There is section to explain how you can say no to sex or any kind of sexual activity, like kissing. People never seem to know how to say no, so that section is a necessary thing to tell teenagers.
✅ A separate section is focused on the laws on consent. What are some laws that tell what is consent and what qualifies as rape vs sexual assault vs sexual harassment.
✅ A section tells what to do if you have been raped. Something important it says is "don't change or wash off, because if you want to pursue a case against the person because they raped you, the police need evidence.
✅ The answer to the third question in the anonymous sex ed box is very sensitive to what is going on. There's not a lot of information in the question, but the author(s) give their advice, being sensitive to different possible ways this is.
CHAPTER 4: SAFER SEX (IT DOESN'T KILL THE MOOD)
✅ It is so important for teenagers specifically to have safe sex. Chances are, if a teen is having sex, they probably won't stay with the person and spend their life with the person. Safe sex is highly important, because teens who have sex will probably have sex with 2+ other people.
✅ A section in this chapter talks all about STIs, which, again, teens should understand. If someone is to consent to sex (thinking about the I of FRIES from chapter 3), they should understand the risks. One of those is STIs.
✅ There is a section on HIV as well. It confronts the stigma around it, and then points out the real way HIV works. HIV isn't a punishment on queer people, or anyone who gets HIV from shared syringes or from mother to child must be queer… I doubt it.
✅ There is a section on pregnancy — more specifically, mainly the prevention of pregnancy. In this section, it talks about birth control methods, including condoms, pills, IUDs, implants, and shots, and how they work.
✅ The section on pregnancy includes a paragraph on if one is trying to get pregnant. It mainly says how to prevent against STIs when one is trying for a pregnancy.
✅ There is an explanation on how to use both external and internal condoms. It's not just external condoms (on a penis) that people use! AFABs can put on condoms too.
✅ A section talks about adoption. Not how to adopt, but about how one can put one's child up for adoption if one is a teen who gets pregnant.
✅ A section is all about abortion. There are parts that tell about (1) how it works, (2) what people say about it, and (3) how it can be a hard choice to make.
CHAPTER 5: GENDER (HINT: THERE ARE MORE THAN TWO)
✅ I like that this book defines genderfluid, demiboy, demigirl, and trans masc. Sometimes books just talk about binary trans people (man or woman), so I was grateful for the definition if trans masc and trans femme. Not every trans masc or trans femme person is a boy or a girl. Some are nonbinary.
✅ This chapter mentions how some terms and genders are actually part of other cultures. They have a spiritual and/or cultural connection. That's important to recognize.
✅ It is mentioned that there are trans binary AND nonbinary people. Not all nonbinary people are trans (it's up to the person), but some/many are. I am a trans enby, so seeing that recognized made me feel very seen.
✅ A whole two-page section explains that "biological sex" and gender identity are different and shouldn't be called the same. They can't be expected to be the exact same all the time.
✅ Gender expression is also brought up. I was glad to read about how gender and expression don't always have to "match". Also, nonbinary people aren't expected to all look androgynous says this part: they can look feminine, masculine, or androgynous.
✅ There is a piece (of the section that talks about social transitioning) that talks about misgendering. Often there is a section about misgendering in LGBTQ books, and I was glad to see it mentioned, as always
✅ Deadname is also explained. That isn't something I always see, and I am glad to see that as well.
✅ I was glad to see that there is a paragraph that brings up neopronouns (i.e. it/its, zi/hir, xe/xir, and e/eir). I use neopronouns sometimes, and I understand why people do. Books, again, don't always mention that and this paragraph meant a lot.
✅ A part talks about binders. It doesn't just say that using binders is good; it also mentions the risks and how to use it safely. I liked that there were two businesses that sell safer binders: GC2B and Underworks.
✅ This chapter has a paragraph on tucking. Trans femme or MTF/MTN (trans women and nonbinary people) need things like this to know how to tuck more safely.
✅ The author(s) are supporting anyone using whatever pronouns make them feel best. One sex-ed box question asked if it's okay to use they/them as a cis girl. Answer? Yes, if it feels best to you!
✅❎ Four pages (p.p. 122-125) show images of a metoidioplasty, a phalloplasty, and a vaginoplasty. I didn't look too closely at them, but for those who want to maybe get those surgeries, it would be helpful.
❎ This will be mentioned again the back of the book, but the definition of agender doesn't seem quite right. It doesn't necessarily mean no gender or genderless. It can also mean having a weak connection to gender.
CHAPTER 6: SEXUALITY (BORN THIS WAY)
✅ Sexuality isn't a choice, and that's the first thing that the author(s) say in this chapter. It is not an LGBTQ person's choice to be gay/bi/queer. It's just who one is naturally attracted to.
✅ There is a definition of aromanticism that is accurate. QPPs are mentioned as well and explained, which makes me quite happy as someone who may or may not be in a QPP (it's not really totally defined).
✅ Asexual and aromantic are not placed in the same definition. They aren't the same; therefore, they should not be stuck in the same definition. Believe me, I should know, as I'm on different spots on each of those spectrums.
✅ There is a short story about someone's experiences with people misunderstanding demisexuality. I have experienced that with my labels and I hate it and am relieved that another person experienced that too with that label.
✅ Polyamory is explained in the list of sexualities which I don't always see! I'm not polyamorous myself, but I know that people are and I'm glad to see that defined here. It's also mentioned that polyamory isn't inherently LGBTQ, but it's often included under the LGBTQIA umbrella due to the fact that it's an atypical relationship type.
✅ Omnisexual is defined in this book! People never seem to know what it means, so I'm very excited to see this word defined in here as well.
✅ There is a section on preferences. Just because you might be attracted to anyone doesn't mean you have to date anyone. People can have preferences.
✅ The section on preferences brings up having preferences for genitals but not necessarily gender. Sometimes having a genital preference is based on transphobia, but some people don't see it like that and it doesn't have to happen that way!
✅ A section talks about the difference(s) between romantic, sexual, and platonic attraction. I feel that people, specifically allosexual and allo-romantic people don't quite understand sexual and/or romantic attraction, so I'm glad it's explained here.
✅ One question in the anonymous sex-ed box asks about what to do when one doesn't feel right labeling one's sexual orientation. The author(s) assure the person that one doesn't have to label oneself if one doesn't want to. Although the scenario itself is highly specific, the answer doesn't have to be seen that way.
✅ The third question in this chapter's anonymous sex-ed box asks about whether someone who is bisexual can choose not to date someone of the same gender and/or sex. Again, specific question, but an answer that can apply to anyone: You don't have to date anyone you don't want to; your dating life is up to you.
CHAPTER 7: LGBTQIA+ AND ALLIES (IT'S NOT JUST A PHASE)
✅ It's brought up that queer is a term that many younger LGBTQ people have reclaimed, but there are still those — specifically LGBTQ elders — who don't feel comfortable with that word. I'm glad it's mentioned.
✅ Being an ally is defined. There also is the reminder that the smallest things can make a person's day when they are constantly being hit with the message that they aren't good enough.
✅ People might not know where they are in the community, if they're in the community — and that's okay. It's normal, it makes sense. Don't worry. That's the message of the section on questioning.
✅ The double standards for straight versus gay children is mentioned. I want people to realize this, and Monica Gupta Mehta did.
✅ Gatekeeping is something that people do to control how identity labels are used. Sometimes people in the LGBTQ community do this too. It's not okay and that is also mentioned in this chapter.
✅ There is a section on coming out, per the queer book usual. The author(s) give suggestions about how to come out, to whom to come out, when to come out.
✅ There is mention of what to do if you live in an unsafe environment and you want/need to come out. It depends on whether the environment or your mental health staying in the closet it worse.
✅ Why aren't people always accepting? This chapter even contains a section on that! Again, something people in the LGBTQ community don't always want to address this, but the Mehtas do it anyway.
✅ Intersectionality, the important word. There is a section about how culture, class, race, gender, and sexuality affect the ways people experience the world. These interlap to create different advantages or disadvantages. True and necessary to know.
CHAPTER 8: RELATIONSHIPS (THEY DON'T EXIST INSIDE A BUBBLE)
✅ How does one ask someone out? That's explained here! Specifically, plan for a negative response and a positive response. Then leap.
✅ Polyamory has its own section. Again, polyamory isn't necessarily inherently LGBTQ, but it is an atypical relationship type, so it's often included in the community. It's good to talk about.
✅ There is a section on love. What is real love? How do I know it's not just lust or a crush? They will tell you in the section on it.
✅ There is a part on conflict. There is conflict in any relationship, and it's important to know how to resolve it. I'm grateful for books that mention how to resolve conflicts well.
✅ You need to talk to your partner about sex. The Mehtas have spoken and they tell you how to do it. A basic "I feel…when…I need…" sentence goes a long way!
✅ A special section talks about asexuality (and/or aromanticism) and relationships. People can have relationships even as ace and/or aro people. I'm glad to see a section about this because I'm aroace.
✅ Neurodivergent is mentioned in its own section in the chapter on sexuality. Being neurodivergent is particularly hard when it's not mentioned on LGBTQIA books when being neurodivergent can affect one's sexual and romantic orientations and one's gender.
✅ There is a section about societal expectations which is good to see because society give out…confusing messages on sex and relationships. There are definitely expectations.
✅ Race, ethnicity, religion, and culture have a definite affect on how one thinks about sex and relationships. I was glad to see this fact mentioned in the chapter.
❎ Autism is the only label given under neurodivergent. It's understandable, yes, becaus the mother author's children are autistic. But autism isn't the only neurodivergence that may affect how and whether someone is LGBTQ. It's important for autism to be mentioned, but other kinds of being neurodivergent should come up too.
GLOSSARY
I don't usually review a glossary, but for this one I feel obligated to review it specifically. There are lots of definitions and I want to make sure to point those out, as this is an LGBTQ book.
✅ The definitions of breasts, penis, and vagina are not about the "female" and "male" sex organs. They talk about them as organs that anyone of any gender can have.
✅ Demiboy and demigirl are both mentioned in the book. Not every/many LGBTQ+ books define those words, so I love that this book does include them. That's important to me, as they are less visible labels.
✅ Gatekeeping is defined. Sometimes people do (try to) gatekeep various LGBTQ communities, and I am glad to have this mentioned.
✅ Gay is mentioned as both a specific label and an umbrella term. Both "homosexual men" and anyone but straight trans people who has a not-typical sexual orientation.
✅ Includes queer as the identity label and as an umbrella term. I love the word queer, and I'm glad it was defined in here.
✅ There was a definition of queerplatonic. In some books, queerplatonic relationships aren't even mentioned. So, this includes that and I'm glad.
✅❎ Includes a slang dictionary. That could be good or bad; I feel neutral about it. At least readers will know what's being talked about when other teenagers are talking about vajayjays and code red.
❎ Agender doesn't necessarily mean NO gender. It might mean having a weak connection to gender as well. The book should mention the other definition as well.
ANONYMOUS SEX-ED BOX
I won't review the questions themselves, but I can give some overall yays and nays on these sections, which came at the end of each chapter.
✅ The questions might apply only to a specific person, but the answers are usually more general. Other people than the original questioners can find the answers useful.
✅ Answers promote the same sorts of things. That is: no need to talk about "virginity"; you don't need to labels yourself; you choose how you date and whom you date. Encouraging and helpful.
✅ The authors give simple and understandable answers to the questions.
QUOTES
"Yes, I could have said that females go through puberty earlier than males… but throughout this book I will be normalizing the experience of the transgender community."
- p 1
"Consent is the active permission for something to happen; when it comes to sexual activity, consent should never be assumed."
- p 49
"One thing that is true almost everywhere is that it is never too late to take consent back."
- p 82
"It is the responsibility of both partners equally to protect against pregnancy during sex."
- p 99
"Gender is not your biological sex traits."
- p 110
- Echo (they/them) ⚧️
March 20, 2023
This is a mixed bag of a book, it has some really good fundamentals and I love the ethos behind it, but there are a handful of things that mean I’d be cautious about recommending it.
The good - Really nice to see an actual teen has had some input, I often see ‘guides for teens’ that I, as a mid-40s woman, can tell are written by adults who think they know teenagers! The inclusivity is brilliant, and the explanations of lesser-known terms and sexualities is refreshing to see.
The annoying - Who is this book for?? The cover suggests queer teens, but the contents suggests all teens. I think a redesign of the cover/wording is a good idea, very few straight/cis-appearing teens are going to pick this up, and I’d argue that it’s those in the closet (to themselves and others) that would actually benefit from this book the most. Equally parents of not-out teens are less likely to grab this. The geolocation-specific parts of the book are also quite frustrating, it talks about porn and sexting, without acknowledging local legal variations. It also talks about “your yearly Dr appointment” like this is a universal thing, rather than a US middle-class thing.
The confusing - the contents jump around quite a lot. In the chapter about emotional relationships, for example, it jumps right from “how do I ask someone out” to “being polyam”, with no gentle change! It then jumps back into explaining different types of romantic attraction. The author seems keen to include details of her personal life for the reader to relate to (which I personally think it’s a good idea), but here it feels like them being poly overshadowed logical ordering. Equally there is a *lot* of info about being trans/transitioning, which is important info but seems to overpower the other (statistically more likely) sections.
Overall I think I would buy it for a teen I knew, but I’d put a sticker over the cover art in case they didn’t think it wasn’t relevant to them!
I received an advance copy for free from NetGalley, on the expectation that I would provide an honest review.
The good - Really nice to see an actual teen has had some input, I often see ‘guides for teens’ that I, as a mid-40s woman, can tell are written by adults who think they know teenagers! The inclusivity is brilliant, and the explanations of lesser-known terms and sexualities is refreshing to see.
The annoying - Who is this book for?? The cover suggests queer teens, but the contents suggests all teens. I think a redesign of the cover/wording is a good idea, very few straight/cis-appearing teens are going to pick this up, and I’d argue that it’s those in the closet (to themselves and others) that would actually benefit from this book the most. Equally parents of not-out teens are less likely to grab this. The geolocation-specific parts of the book are also quite frustrating, it talks about porn and sexting, without acknowledging local legal variations. It also talks about “your yearly Dr appointment” like this is a universal thing, rather than a US middle-class thing.
The confusing - the contents jump around quite a lot. In the chapter about emotional relationships, for example, it jumps right from “how do I ask someone out” to “being polyam”, with no gentle change! It then jumps back into explaining different types of romantic attraction. The author seems keen to include details of her personal life for the reader to relate to (which I personally think it’s a good idea), but here it feels like them being poly overshadowed logical ordering. Equally there is a *lot* of info about being trans/transitioning, which is important info but seems to overpower the other (statistically more likely) sections.
Overall I think I would buy it for a teen I knew, but I’d put a sticker over the cover art in case they didn’t think it wasn’t relevant to them!
I received an advance copy for free from NetGalley, on the expectation that I would provide an honest review.
April 6, 2023
As background, i am writing this as a sex educator, a queer adult who works mostly with teens and young adults.
A lot of the content in this book was good. But there were ways that i found it very uncomfortable. As an adult teaching youth about sex and sexuality, having boundaries about my own experiences is important because it gives youth more space to learn about themselves. This adult author talking about, among other things, how she is still happy with her sexual experiences with her husband and then writing "(#DemisexualThings!)" or something along those lines, feels way too buddy-buddy to maintain appropriate boundaries as i understand them. Some of the stories in the book seemed like they were from different people, but i didn't find that clearly demarcated in this eARC (hopefully that will be better in the final copy--if not, worth fixing it!), and that was disorienting as well.
All that said, i am glad that this information is available and coordinated. It's hard for me to exactly imagine how this book will be used versus, for example, internet searches or the ScarleTeen text line, but i think it may serve some people very well.
This was a NetGalley ARC.
A lot of the content in this book was good. But there were ways that i found it very uncomfortable. As an adult teaching youth about sex and sexuality, having boundaries about my own experiences is important because it gives youth more space to learn about themselves. This adult author talking about, among other things, how she is still happy with her sexual experiences with her husband and then writing "(#DemisexualThings!)" or something along those lines, feels way too buddy-buddy to maintain appropriate boundaries as i understand them. Some of the stories in the book seemed like they were from different people, but i didn't find that clearly demarcated in this eARC (hopefully that will be better in the final copy--if not, worth fixing it!), and that was disorienting as well.
All that said, i am glad that this information is available and coordinated. It's hard for me to exactly imagine how this book will be used versus, for example, internet searches or the ScarleTeen text line, but i think it may serve some people very well.
This was a NetGalley ARC.
March 23, 2023
This was a wonderful read. When I was growing up we had The Care and Keeping Guide to Girls/Feelings which for its time (late 90s-early 2000s) was helpful. I'm 28 now but even still this book talked about things that are universal for kids to go through. I loved how inclusive the book was as well as the picture diagrams. This is a book that will really help youth today. Especially with the rise of anti-LGBTQIA and transphobia going on in this country. Having a one stop guide for all things puberty, sexuality and gender will really really help youth today. I'll be buying a copy or 2 for my local library in hopes that it makes it into the hands of someone who needs it.
Thank you NetGalley for giving me an e-copy to read and review.
Thank you NetGalley for giving me an e-copy to read and review.
April 8, 2023
Thank you to the publishers for the opportunity to check out an ARC of this book through NetGalley!
I'm not necessarily the intended demographic for this book because I am in my late 20s and don't have any kids, but that did not stop me from enjoying and learning from this book!
I think this was a super comprehensive guide and covered a lot in an easy to understand way. I absolutely loved seeing the drawings and how inclusive they were. There were definitely some parts of the book that rubbed me the wrong way and already seemed a bit dated, but I think this is still a great resource for teens.
As we enter a time where more and more books are being banned it's important that books talking about queerness, sex, gender, etc. are supported and lifted up.
I'm not necessarily the intended demographic for this book because I am in my late 20s and don't have any kids, but that did not stop me from enjoying and learning from this book!
I think this was a super comprehensive guide and covered a lot in an easy to understand way. I absolutely loved seeing the drawings and how inclusive they were. There were definitely some parts of the book that rubbed me the wrong way and already seemed a bit dated, but I think this is still a great resource for teens.
As we enter a time where more and more books are being banned it's important that books talking about queerness, sex, gender, etc. are supported and lifted up.
July 8, 2024
I read this book mostly because I’m always looking for resources about queerness and intersectionality. This one serves as a sex ed one as well. I think this honestly covers 90% more than schools usually do (regarding sex ed) and the authors do an amazing job at talking about multiple potentially sensitive/triggering/taboo topics. As the book manages to cover so many subjects, I will be recommending this one in various situations, especially for people questioning if they’re queer. I like how non-judgmental and compassionate this book was!
May 7, 2023
A very inclusive and educational collection on gender, sex and identity. The writing is so appealing, comforting and very undrstandable. However, I believe the personal stories should have its own section in the novel (possibly at the end) as it really takes away the information you're trying to take in. Aside from that, I really recommend this.
Thank you to the author and the publisher for this ARC through NetGalley in exchange for my honest review.
Thank you to the author and the publisher for this ARC through NetGalley in exchange for my honest review.
October 17, 2023
There's no visual appeal to what amounts to a reference guide that tries a little to be more narrative in nature about a guide for GLBTQ+ youth but also does a helpful job for anyone wanting information. And it goes into detail with specific topics that may or may not be wanted or needed. It's easier to pick it up and put it down with the information a teen is looking for rather than being read start to finish.
August 25, 2024
This is a well-thought-out educational material on puberty, sex, and gender. While the cover says for the queers. In reality, this is a book that anyone who wants to look into the topics can read. Centered for teens the text breaks down the basics of concepts around a topic that usually gets a general boy/girl-only dynamic. Being inclusive in the text, having questions from teens answered at the end of each chapter, and drawings to show anatomy, it a well-thought-out book.
December 11, 2024
This book is absolutely fantastic and covers everything, it should be compulsory reading for sex ed classes across the globe. It's inclusive of everyone and touches on everything. I bought a selection of books to help my child (11) going through this period of life knowing that school sex ed is near on pointless and leaves more questions than answers, of those books this is by far the best and will be the one I pass on to them.
May 8, 2023
I got to read this early via NetGalley in return for an honest review.
I found this Sex-Ed guide to be very helpful and earnest, and I liked the stress on communication with yourself, your partner, and your parents. being co-written by a teen seems to have helped it stay modern, and the resources mentioned were good. Thanks!
I found this Sex-Ed guide to be very helpful and earnest, and I liked the stress on communication with yourself, your partner, and your parents. being co-written by a teen seems to have helped it stay modern, and the resources mentioned were good. Thanks!
December 19, 2023
A great resource to have for my clients!
April 22, 2025
Jessica Kingsley Publishing are a publishing house that never shy away from releasing books that are needed and aid in pushing conversations that need to take place, to actually happen. I have discovered many incredible, thought provoking and often insightful reads thanks to them. It’s Totally Normal by mother and daughter; Ash Mehta and Monica Gupta Mehta is no exception.
It’s Totally Normal is a book whose primary focus is LGBTQIA+ young adults which is around ages twelve to seventeen years old and as it says on the cover it’s “An LGBTQIA+ guide to puberty, sex, and gender.” Something that anyone who has a child who is working through both who they are, who they’re attracted to and just what that means will know? Is sorely lacking on the bookshelves of your favourite bookstore and puberty and all that entails is already hard but it’s even harder when you’re possibly a transgender boy which means you’re stuck in a body that is AFAB (assigned female at birth) because you really don’t like that body and the dysmorphia you’re experiencing further impacts this unpleasant journey. (I challenge anyone not to say puberty is awful and you wish there was a fast forward to get through it all.)
After reading this book, I will say that it is the book I would recommend to any parent whose child has gone through what my own have and this book wasn’t there then - I really wish it was trust me because it would have helped us all so much! The sex education ‘birds and the bees’ lessons we all had to sit through are vastly outdated and still often focus on hetrosexuality and cisgender young adults facing the unsteady bridge from childhood to adulthood and it needs to change and quickly. Ash Mehta and Monica Gupta Mehta deliver the missing information in an accessible manner and they’ve both taken the time to ensure that the correct terminology is used such as AFAB and AMAB (assigned female at birth/assigned male at birth) along with the simpler ones such as ‘bodies with vaginas or bodies with penises’ are used so people regardless of the gender identity, can feel included.
Not only is the use of the wide variety of terminology used throughout the book, there is also various diagrams that are clear in their design, and labelled in an easy manner to help either the reader on their own or perhaps as part of a further discussion be correct in their thought process and question/answers. What also makes these stand out it’s just the diagrams we’ve all grown up with and let's be honest had that uncomfortable giggle with your friends about? But also those people who may consider gender affirming surgery in their journey to their true self. Some examples are vaginoplasty, phalloplasty and metoidioplasty, all of which will seem scary to all at first, but again, this is why I think It’s Totally Normal is necessary - reading about these surgeries and seeing the diagrams may help with fears or just open discussions that felt too impossible to begin.
Whilst a lot of my focus for why this book is wonderful has focused on the T of the LGBTQIA+, this book truly is for anyone who is a part of the community, covering various subject matters that are often overlooked in mainstream sex education. The authors talk about sexuality, the importance of consent, bodies with all their lovely bumps and changes you wish would just stop, masturbation, various types of sex, and how to have safe forms of sex, as well as many others. Each chapter has a Q and A at the end which I think will be invaluable for the reader to come back to or use when raising the issue with a professional etcetera.
This book belongs in every school on their health shelves, it needs to be on a list of suggested reading for anyone who approaches a therapist or doctor when discussing their journey because it’s hard and I know both from my own experience in the nineties and now as a parent? Books like this have always been needed but the subject of sex education and all that it encompasses is often still back in say the fifties.
I did have an issue with the lack of resources which are important, and what the authors did provide, were primarily for the US and yet, this book is available in other countries.
It’s Totally Normal is a book whose primary focus is LGBTQIA+ young adults which is around ages twelve to seventeen years old and as it says on the cover it’s “An LGBTQIA+ guide to puberty, sex, and gender.” Something that anyone who has a child who is working through both who they are, who they’re attracted to and just what that means will know? Is sorely lacking on the bookshelves of your favourite bookstore and puberty and all that entails is already hard but it’s even harder when you’re possibly a transgender boy which means you’re stuck in a body that is AFAB (assigned female at birth) because you really don’t like that body and the dysmorphia you’re experiencing further impacts this unpleasant journey. (I challenge anyone not to say puberty is awful and you wish there was a fast forward to get through it all.)
After reading this book, I will say that it is the book I would recommend to any parent whose child has gone through what my own have and this book wasn’t there then - I really wish it was trust me because it would have helped us all so much! The sex education ‘birds and the bees’ lessons we all had to sit through are vastly outdated and still often focus on hetrosexuality and cisgender young adults facing the unsteady bridge from childhood to adulthood and it needs to change and quickly. Ash Mehta and Monica Gupta Mehta deliver the missing information in an accessible manner and they’ve both taken the time to ensure that the correct terminology is used such as AFAB and AMAB (assigned female at birth/assigned male at birth) along with the simpler ones such as ‘bodies with vaginas or bodies with penises’ are used so people regardless of the gender identity, can feel included.
Not only is the use of the wide variety of terminology used throughout the book, there is also various diagrams that are clear in their design, and labelled in an easy manner to help either the reader on their own or perhaps as part of a further discussion be correct in their thought process and question/answers. What also makes these stand out it’s just the diagrams we’ve all grown up with and let's be honest had that uncomfortable giggle with your friends about? But also those people who may consider gender affirming surgery in their journey to their true self. Some examples are vaginoplasty, phalloplasty and metoidioplasty, all of which will seem scary to all at first, but again, this is why I think It’s Totally Normal is necessary - reading about these surgeries and seeing the diagrams may help with fears or just open discussions that felt too impossible to begin.
Whilst a lot of my focus for why this book is wonderful has focused on the T of the LGBTQIA+, this book truly is for anyone who is a part of the community, covering various subject matters that are often overlooked in mainstream sex education. The authors talk about sexuality, the importance of consent, bodies with all their lovely bumps and changes you wish would just stop, masturbation, various types of sex, and how to have safe forms of sex, as well as many others. Each chapter has a Q and A at the end which I think will be invaluable for the reader to come back to or use when raising the issue with a professional etcetera.
This book belongs in every school on their health shelves, it needs to be on a list of suggested reading for anyone who approaches a therapist or doctor when discussing their journey because it’s hard and I know both from my own experience in the nineties and now as a parent? Books like this have always been needed but the subject of sex education and all that it encompasses is often still back in say the fifties.
I did have an issue with the lack of resources which are important, and what the authors did provide, were primarily for the US and yet, this book is available in other countries.
May 1, 2023
**Thank you to NetGalley and Jessica Kingley Publishers for this ARC in exchange for an honest review**
Monica starts off by talking about puberty and what to expect, what's normal. and when you should consider talking to a doctor. There is a discussion about masturbation, and how it shows you what works for you so that you can explain to someone later on how you like it, as well as making sure to keep any toys you might use clean. I also like that she doesn't condone porn, but instead tries to suggest steamy shows or books, or even just audio. If you absolutely must engage with it, she recommends some sites that are more "ethical," made by women for women, and sites that depict a realistic view of sex.
She talks about virginity, and how it relates to purity culture. It does two things: shames people into not having sex until married, while at the same time pressures them into having sex when they aren't ready because nobody wants to be the uncool virgin prude. Also, the condition of your hymen does not determine if you've had sex or not to any doctor who looks. It can often be broken in childhood by other activities. Once you have determined you're ready for sex, Monica talks about what to expect the first time and how it should go.
Consent is one of the most important parts of sex. She references Planned Parenthood's acronym for it: FRIES - [F]reely given, [R]eversible, [I]nformed, [E]nthusiastic, [S]pecific. Consent cannot be given if someone is asleep, drunk, high, passed out, underage, or disabled in a way they can't understand. She also gives examples of what actions constitute rape and sexual assault, and what to do if it happens to you.
There is a section about how to have safe sex, STDs you could possibly get, birth control options and their effectiveness, and options if you do get pregnant.
She talks about different possibilities for gender outside the binary, such as agender, autigender, bigender, genderfluid, gender queer, intersex, nonbinary, etc. Never deadname someone or misgender them purposefully. Also, some people use neopronouns to breakaway from the binary. She discusses transitioning, binders, tucking, and surgery, including drawings of how a metoidioplasty, phalloplasty, and vaginoplasty are done.
There is talk about the LGBTQIA+ community, how to be an ally, gatekeeping, coming out. and intersectionality.
The book ends with a section on relationships and how love, conflict, sex, asexuality, and neurodivergence factor into them.
At the end of each chapter, she answers some questions from the Anonymous Sex Ed Questions Box from her website. Again, I like that she doesn't pretend to have all the answers or try to give advice outside her specialty, telling them instead to contact a doctor about certain things.
Also, throughout the book, any areas with a heart are supposed to be stories from Monica, but when you read them, many of them seem to be from other people. This might want to clarified in the beginning where it's mentioned what the heart means.
When I was in school, our sex ed consisted of one day where the girls and guys were split up and given a talk and shown a video about their specific parts and what to expect during upcoming puberty (think the opening scene from Big Mouth season 1, episode 1). There was no mention of the LGBTQIA+ community, asexuality, or any other forms of birth control besides maybe condoms. What I remember most is when the guys came back, they were all talking about how they wanted to go to Hawaii where they found out the age of consent is only 14 (or at least was at the time). I would have loved to have a book like this back then, to know that there is more than one way to be, and that if you don't want anything to do with sex, that's okay too! I'm glad that everything is becoming more inclusive and in depth to help kids understand themselves and make better, more informed choices about everything.
Monica starts off by talking about puberty and what to expect, what's normal. and when you should consider talking to a doctor. There is a discussion about masturbation, and how it shows you what works for you so that you can explain to someone later on how you like it, as well as making sure to keep any toys you might use clean. I also like that she doesn't condone porn, but instead tries to suggest steamy shows or books, or even just audio. If you absolutely must engage with it, she recommends some sites that are more "ethical," made by women for women, and sites that depict a realistic view of sex.
She talks about virginity, and how it relates to purity culture. It does two things: shames people into not having sex until married, while at the same time pressures them into having sex when they aren't ready because nobody wants to be the uncool virgin prude. Also, the condition of your hymen does not determine if you've had sex or not to any doctor who looks. It can often be broken in childhood by other activities. Once you have determined you're ready for sex, Monica talks about what to expect the first time and how it should go.
Consent is one of the most important parts of sex. She references Planned Parenthood's acronym for it: FRIES - [F]reely given, [R]eversible, [I]nformed, [E]nthusiastic, [S]pecific. Consent cannot be given if someone is asleep, drunk, high, passed out, underage, or disabled in a way they can't understand. She also gives examples of what actions constitute rape and sexual assault, and what to do if it happens to you.
There is a section about how to have safe sex, STDs you could possibly get, birth control options and their effectiveness, and options if you do get pregnant.
She talks about different possibilities for gender outside the binary, such as agender, autigender, bigender, genderfluid, gender queer, intersex, nonbinary, etc. Never deadname someone or misgender them purposefully. Also, some people use neopronouns to breakaway from the binary. She discusses transitioning, binders, tucking, and surgery, including drawings of how a metoidioplasty, phalloplasty, and vaginoplasty are done.
There is talk about the LGBTQIA+ community, how to be an ally, gatekeeping, coming out. and intersectionality.
The book ends with a section on relationships and how love, conflict, sex, asexuality, and neurodivergence factor into them.
At the end of each chapter, she answers some questions from the Anonymous Sex Ed Questions Box from her website. Again, I like that she doesn't pretend to have all the answers or try to give advice outside her specialty, telling them instead to contact a doctor about certain things.
Also, throughout the book, any areas with a heart are supposed to be stories from Monica, but when you read them, many of them seem to be from other people. This might want to clarified in the beginning where it's mentioned what the heart means.
When I was in school, our sex ed consisted of one day where the girls and guys were split up and given a talk and shown a video about their specific parts and what to expect during upcoming puberty (think the opening scene from Big Mouth season 1, episode 1). There was no mention of the LGBTQIA+ community, asexuality, or any other forms of birth control besides maybe condoms. What I remember most is when the guys came back, they were all talking about how they wanted to go to Hawaii where they found out the age of consent is only 14 (or at least was at the time). I would have loved to have a book like this back then, to know that there is more than one way to be, and that if you don't want anything to do with sex, that's okay too! I'm glad that everything is becoming more inclusive and in depth to help kids understand themselves and make better, more informed choices about everything.
March 20, 2023
This is a mixed bag of a book, it has some really good fundamentals and I love the ethos behind it, but there are a handful of things that mean I’d be cautious about recommending it.
The good - Really nice to see an actual teen has had some input, I often see ‘guides for teens’ that I, as a mid-40s woman, can tell are written by adults who think they know teenagers! The inclusivity is brilliant, and the explanations of lesser-known terms and sexualities is refreshing to see.
The annoying - Who is this book for?? The cover suggests queer teens, but the contents suggests all teens. I think a redesign of the cover/wording is a good idea, very few straight/cis-appearing teens are going to pick this up, and I’d argue that it’s those in the closet (to themselves and others) that would actually benefit from this book the most. Equally parents of not-out teens are less likely to grab this. The geolocation-specific parts of the book are also quite frustrating, it talks about porn and sexting, without acknowledging local legal variations. It also talks about “your yearly Dr appointment” like this is a universal thing, rather than a US middle-class thing.
The confusing - the contents jump around quite a lot. In the chapter about emotional relationships, for example, it jumps right from “how do I ask someone out” to “being polyam”, with no gentle change! It then jumps back into explaining different types of romantic attraction. The author seems keen to include details of her personal life for the reader to relate to (which I personally think it’s a good idea), but here it feels like them being poly overshadowed logical ordering. Equally there is a *lot* of info about being trans/transitioning, which is important info but seems to overpower the other (statistically more likely) sections.
Overall I think I would buy it for a teen I knew, but I’d put a sticker over the cover art in case they didn’t think it wasn’t relevant to them!
I received an advance copy for free from NetGalley, on the expectation that I would provide an honest review.
The good - Really nice to see an actual teen has had some input, I often see ‘guides for teens’ that I, as a mid-40s woman, can tell are written by adults who think they know teenagers! The inclusivity is brilliant, and the explanations of lesser-known terms and sexualities is refreshing to see.
The annoying - Who is this book for?? The cover suggests queer teens, but the contents suggests all teens. I think a redesign of the cover/wording is a good idea, very few straight/cis-appearing teens are going to pick this up, and I’d argue that it’s those in the closet (to themselves and others) that would actually benefit from this book the most. Equally parents of not-out teens are less likely to grab this. The geolocation-specific parts of the book are also quite frustrating, it talks about porn and sexting, without acknowledging local legal variations. It also talks about “your yearly Dr appointment” like this is a universal thing, rather than a US middle-class thing.
The confusing - the contents jump around quite a lot. In the chapter about emotional relationships, for example, it jumps right from “how do I ask someone out” to “being polyam”, with no gentle change! It then jumps back into explaining different types of romantic attraction. The author seems keen to include details of her personal life for the reader to relate to (which I personally think it’s a good idea), but here it feels like them being poly overshadowed logical ordering. Equally there is a *lot* of info about being trans/transitioning, which is important info but seems to overpower the other (statistically more likely) sections.
Overall I think I would buy it for a teen I knew, but I’d put a sticker over the cover art in case they didn’t think it wasn’t relevant to them!
I received an advance copy for free from NetGalley, on the expectation that I would provide an honest review.
August 18, 2023
A decent beginner book to promote the conversation of sex that is not only under the lens of patriarchal cis heteronormative ideas of the body and sexuality. Books are powerful because they get us thinking, it opens up new ideas about the world and for this reason, diverse books such as this are important. I do believe this book should be available to ALL teenagers (as some of the content is not necessarily only for queer teens), due to it being a great first step to showing younger people that life is not just one set experience. Diversity is a clear theme in the book and that should be celebrated.
Two comments I do have as a teacher are that firstly as with most books that touch on these topics, this is only one source and it is necessary to read and provide other references. Secondly, in books like these, there should be more division between the author and the readers. I was not the biggest fan of some personal experiences being shared by the authors, as I don't feel comfortable with teenagers reading an adult's experiences. But apart from that it is a decent start!
Two comments I do have as a teacher are that firstly as with most books that touch on these topics, this is only one source and it is necessary to read and provide other references. Secondly, in books like these, there should be more division between the author and the readers. I was not the biggest fan of some personal experiences being shared by the authors, as I don't feel comfortable with teenagers reading an adult's experiences. But apart from that it is a decent start!
March 23, 2023
This was a wonderful read. When I was growing up we had The Care and Keeping Guide to Girls/Feelings which for its time (late 90s-early 2000s) was helpful. I'm 28 now but even still this book talked about things that are universal for kids to go through. I loved how inclusive the book was as well as the picture diagrams. This is a book that will really help youth today. Especially with the rise of anti-LGBTQIA and transphobia going on in this country. Having a one stop guide for all things puberty, sexuality and gender will really really help youth today. I'll be buying a copy or 2 for my local library in hopes that it makes it into the hands of someone who needs it.
Thank you NetGalley for giving me an e-copy to read and review.
Thank you NetGalley for giving me an e-copy to read and review.
March 27, 2023
There is a lot of information for anyone interested in learning more about sexuality, gender, sex, and our bodies.
It was helpful to have definitions, examples, and diagrams. I think the most valuable part, was the questions within each chapter. Many people get uncomfortable asking difficult or what they believe are "embarrassing" questions. Having answers to questions such as these helps all of us to learn. As a professional in the wellness sector, I found the answers to be a good resource for me. I know I can use the responses as a framework if I were to be asked something similar.
The tone of the writing is relaxed and open. It came across as educational and conversational which fits the target audience.
It was helpful to have definitions, examples, and diagrams. I think the most valuable part, was the questions within each chapter. Many people get uncomfortable asking difficult or what they believe are "embarrassing" questions. Having answers to questions such as these helps all of us to learn. As a professional in the wellness sector, I found the answers to be a good resource for me. I know I can use the responses as a framework if I were to be asked something similar.
The tone of the writing is relaxed and open. It came across as educational and conversational which fits the target audience.
April 13, 2023
This a detailed and comprehensive look at sexuality in all its forms. You'll learn the proper terminology such as cisgender, transgender (an umbrella term for related categories), asexual, and much much more. There are diagrams showing, for example, how the surgery works for changing your body from one gender to another. The discussions about how to feel good and how to make your partner feel good are explicit and helpful. Throughout the book there is an emphasis on what is acceptable and what is not, including the risks and dangers of unsafe sex. The is the book that many have been waiting for and should be read by every adult who is open to understanding that throughout history, a variety of sexual identities has been among us and that this is totally normal.
May 7, 2023
Thanks to Netgalley, publishers and the authors for a copy of this ebook.
This was a very informative book that was completely inclusive of gender and sexuality. I really love that books like this are being published.
My only niggles was that we weren't sure who was talking at the time. With two authors, and others stories throughout, I couldn't keep track.
There was also a lot of repetition.
However, otherwise this is a great book that I would share with my children when they are older.
This was a very informative book that was completely inclusive of gender and sexuality. I really love that books like this are being published.
My only niggles was that we weren't sure who was talking at the time. With two authors, and others stories throughout, I couldn't keep track.
There was also a lot of repetition.
However, otherwise this is a great book that I would share with my children when they are older.
March 27, 2023
Thank you net galley for a digital copy for my honest review.
I loved this book. I felt like to is very inclusive and easy to understand. I felt that some parts were rushed or not in the best order. The person stories took away from the information in the chapter. I think there should be a section at the end for personal stories. Especially since this book is to educate.
I loved this book. I felt like to is very inclusive and easy to understand. I felt that some parts were rushed or not in the best order. The person stories took away from the information in the chapter. I think there should be a section at the end for personal stories. Especially since this book is to educate.
May 11, 2023
Very informative! I liked the graph and the drawings. The message in the book is great and I feel that every teen growing up should read something like this. Quick and easy read!
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