When Good Men Behave Badly: Change Your Behavior, Change Your Relationship

by David B. Wexler, William S. Pollack (Foreword by)

This is the only book written specifically for men in a language that is respectful to men, about how to deal better with the most important relationships in their lives. It provides real tools for men who have trouble dealing with the emotional demands of relationships and those affected by them. The premise of this book is that good, well-intentioned men can, in times of stress and emotional conflict, act in destructive ways that don't reflect their true character. From a humanistic and empathetic perspective, this book explores the latest research about male psychological development to create a new, compassionate narrative for the struggles men face. Learn to recognize and label your internal states. Find out why displays of not-so-masculine emotions are so difficult to deal with, and why they can provoke episodes of problematic behavior. Explore the father-son relationship and the reality of male peer relations; see why these patterned interactions can reinforce bad behavior from generation to generation. Structured exercises and strategies help transfer the concepts of the book into daily experience. David B. Wexler, Ph.D., is the founder and executive director of the Relationship Training Institute, an organization designed to help couples and especially men who are having problems in relationships. His previous work includes The Adolescent Self and The PRISM Workbook. Visit the author at his Web www.rtiprojects.com.

Genres: Psychology

216 pages, Paperback

First published February 1, 2004

About the author

David B. Wexler, Ph.D., is the founder and executive director of the Relationship Training Institute, an organization designed to help couples and especially men who are having problems in relationships.

Reviews

[Lisa Powell · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a woman, this book helped me to determine that not all men behaving badly are narcissists incapable of change. It has been a great help to me and my spouse in understand why some of the issues happen to us in our relationship and the tools to work through them.

[Richard · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very useful information for men who want to become more emotionally intelligent and better partners. As the book was published in 2004 I wonder if the author would update any of his recommendations or examples if he published the book today.

[Claudia Putnam · Rating 5 out of 5]

Possibly I need to add a self-help category. I really appreciated this book. While another book I read recently, His Needs, Her Needs, validated both the (generally, and I do mean generally, and possibly outdated) needs of both women and men in relationships, and somehow managed to be helpful to me in seeing my husband's complaints as expressions of real needs (however shallow the men's needs seem to be compared to women's--see this discussion in my review of that book), this book was more helpful in that it simply doesn't let the men off the hook. In the general style of Terry Real's work. For example, he suggests that what men "need" from women is emotional support, emotional *access*, since they (still remain) often inarticulate about unattuned to their own emotions, and above all a continuous look of adoration in they eyes of their women. He does a good job of discussing the innately traumatizing and stunting process of male socialization in Western society, but is less concerned with how traumatizing female socialization is. I think because women are allowed to have emotions, we're considered to be better off, but imagine having them and having men constantly dismissing them, even though they so desperately need the information that comes from our emotional understanding of the world. How often we are forced to the margins to watch men fuck it up again and again despite our repeated warnings and suggestions.

Obviously, this is another book addressed at heterosexual couples. Mostly. Which is mostly what I'm going to be reading in the coming months and maybe years, not that I haven't read dozens of relationship books already in my life.

Anyway, his primary point is that men, you are not constantly going to get the admiring look from your partners, and you need to recognize that this is a product of your crummy socialization and if we are ever going to get anywhere as a society and if men are ever going to grow, you have to get over this. Women have bad days. They are in bad moods sometimes. They are overwhelmed sometimes. Their asking for your help (though it may be presented with tension in the voice and in body language due to the fact that we are socialized to feel guilty for asking for your help, or perhaps that we have asked for it already, a dozen times), doesn't mean that IN GENERAL we don't respect and admire you.

The book is packed with examples and exercises as to how to stop taking every.little.eye.flicker. or tone of voice PERSONALLY as a criticism of all your efforts as a partner and a man. In other words, it's not an excuse to become abusive, start drinking, or to have an affair.

The chapter on the end about ways that women can initiate conversations that are less likely to put men on the defensive (I'm here to say this doesn't always work; some men want to become defensive), is helpful. Because let's face it, women are more likely to be reading this. He doesn't say the responsibility is ours, but there are good insights into how things can be reframed to help our men get to the bottom of their discomfort, or panic, or self-loathing. And to be fair, lots of support for men who want to do the same for their female partners.

This is not a venus/mars type of book, thankfully. But it does examine the--particularly male--socialization processes that have got us into this mess and offer something of a road map to getting out. So, this applies to fathers as well as partners, if you want to avoid raising another good guy who will likely behave badly.

So, if you're a good guy, and suspect you might have behaved badly, you would get a lot from this, I think. I can't tell you to read it. I don't control you, no matter how much I bat my eyes or bounce my boobs. Only you can take this journey.

If you're a woman who wants more understanding that you will likely never be able to apply or do anything about, you can read it, too. It might help you with compassion, and therefore with letting go, and perhaps in getting off to a better start with the next guy, especially if he'll read this or go through any of the books and programs by Terrence Real.