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A Trans Man Walks Into a Gay Bar: A Journey of Self [and Sexual] Discovery
‘On the bookshelves, there was plenty of stuff on being gay, and much needed, joyous accounts of what it is to be trans, but nothing really that encapsulates what is it to be both – to exist in the hazy terrain between.’
After his relationship with his girlfriend of 5 years ended, Harry realised he was a single adult for the first time – not only that, but a single, transmasculine and newly out gay man.
Despite knowing it was the right decision, the reality of his new situation was terrifying. How could he be a gay man, when he was still learning what it was to be a man? Would the gay community embrace him or reject him? What would gay sex be like? And most importantly, would finding love again be possible?
In this raw, intimate and unflinchingly honest book, we follow Harry as he navigates the sometimes fraught and contradictory worlds of contemporary gay culture as a trans gay man, from Grindr, dating and gay bars, to saunas, sex and ultimately, falling in love. Harry’s brave and uplifting journey will show you there is joy in finding who you are.
After his relationship with his girlfriend of 5 years ended, Harry realised he was a single adult for the first time – not only that, but a single, transmasculine and newly out gay man.
Despite knowing it was the right decision, the reality of his new situation was terrifying. How could he be a gay man, when he was still learning what it was to be a man? Would the gay community embrace him or reject him? What would gay sex be like? And most importantly, would finding love again be possible?
In this raw, intimate and unflinchingly honest book, we follow Harry as he navigates the sometimes fraught and contradictory worlds of contemporary gay culture as a trans gay man, from Grindr, dating and gay bars, to saunas, sex and ultimately, falling in love. Harry’s brave and uplifting journey will show you there is joy in finding who you are.
223 pages, Kindle Edition
First published May 18, 2023
126 people are currently reading
6767 people want to read
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May 10, 2023Source of book: NetGalley (thank you)
Relevant disclaimers: None
Please note: This review may not be reproduced or quoted, in whole or in part, without explicit consent from the author.
And remember: I am not here to judge your drag, I mean your book. Books are art and art is subjective. These are just my personal thoughts. They are not meant to be taken as broader commentary on the general quality of the work. Believe me, I have not enjoyed many an excellent book, and my individual lack of enjoyment has not made any of those books less excellent or (more relevantly) less successful.
Further disclaimer: Readers, please stop accusing me of trying to take down “my competition” because I wrote a review you didn’t like. This is complete nonsense. Firstly, writing isn’t a competitive sport. Secondly, I only publish reviews of books in the subgenre where I’m best known (queer romcom) if I have good things to say. And finally: taking time out of my life to read an entire book and then write a GR review about it would be a profoundly inefficient and ineffective way to damage the careers of other authors. If you can’t credit me with simply being a person who loves books and likes talking about them, at least credit me with enough common sense to be a better villain.
*******************************************
Oh Gawd, I should probably have realised this earlier but … it’s really hard to review memoirs. Not least because it feels perilously close to reviewing a person. Did they lay themselves bare entertainingly enough? Was their life relevant enough to mine to engage me? Power dynamics that become even complex when the person in question is already marginalised compared to you. To say nothing of the fact that we’re at a cultural place right now that seems determined to strip trans people of their voices, their access to medical care, their basic fucking selfhood. In any case—doing my best to put all that aside and talk about the book as a book—this is a timely, engaging, genuinely excellent piece of memoir writing. So much so that I did get close to the end of think and think how in God’s name is this man only twenty-six. Because I was a fucking idiot at twenty-six. And this is incredibly measured, insightful … and kind of, you know. Wise even? How.
Rather than going full David Copperfield—from ‘I am born’ to ‘I am twenty-six’—A Trans Man Walks Into A Gay Bar is rather more thematic: by focusing on particular experiences from the author’s life, it takes the opportunity to discuss them culturally as well as personally. Although I should also say that Nicholas is always careful to emphasise that his experiences are his own, strongly informed by his perspective as a white, relatively affluent, publicly passing binary trans man, and should not be taken as universal.
I honestly feel somewhat inadequate in my attempt to do justice to this book. If you look at almost any review that isn’t mine, you’ll see people talking about how it spoke to them very directly or made them feel seen in a way they hadn’t felt before, or articulated something that they hadn’t quite managed to articulate for themselves. I think it’s those type of responses that speak not only to how necessary this book is—especially right now—but also to how effectively Nicholas communicates his life story, his ideas, and his perspective. For my own part, I found the book intensely moving, as well thought-provoking. Not, I hasten to add, because it’s a trauma narrative. It goes to some fairly dark places with candour and courage, but Nicholas is as articulate when it comes to celebrating trans joy as he is at expressing trans pain:
The other aspect of a A Trans Man Walks Into A Gay Bar that I personally found really admirable was the way Nicholas uses his experiences—as a gay man, as a trans man, as a gay trans man, and as someone who once presented as and was perceived differently—to retain a multiplicity of perspectives. This is complicated to talk about because—in the UK at least—there tends to be a singular narrative of transness that is treated as “correct” i.e. that if you’re “really” trans, you must always have known, your aim is for your gender presentation to mimic cis norms as closely as possible, you must experience dysphoria, you must seek medical intervention up to and including surgery, that transition itself means one thing, and that having transitioned anything and everything that happened to you previously becomes either irrelevant or unspeakable.
And obviously some (or all) of these things might be true for some people. But something Nicholas is very open (and eloquent) about is the value all his experiences hold for him, even the negative ones, and even the ones that belong to a part of his life that certain cultural narratives tell him he must abandon or otherwise disavow:
I can’t—and, frankly, shouldn’t—make claims about whether this book will speak to you. It did, however, speak to me. It spoke to me quite profoundly. Because you don’t have to directly share Nicholas’s identity (or all aspects of his identity) for the things he discusses—queerness, gender, bodies, self-worth, society, love, sex—to be meaningful or relevant to you. In fact, I kind of think maybe if you feel those things *aren’t* meaningful or relevant to you, then you are probably as much in need of this book as the people for whom (some of) Nicholas’s experiences may be directly familiar. The fact is, trans rights are human rights; by demonising, othering or pathologising trans people we are ultimately just harming ourselves. Because, as this book illustrates time and time again, kyriarchy, patriarchy, heteronormativity, gender essentialism, hurt everyone, not equally certainly, but the more we trap ourselves in a society that trammels identity, or rejects the humanity of others, the worse that society becomes for everyone.
In his prologue to the book, Nicholas, echoing Shon Faye in The Transgender Issue, notes the long-standing pressure on trans people to offer their stories to the world in order to have their voices heard. There is an undeniable vulnerability—the sort of vulnerability that always comes with honesty—to A Trans Man Walks Into A Gay Bar. But along with that vulnerability comes strength, conviction, compassion, and insight. I hope someday we can get to a place where we can listen to trans voices without also demanding this kind of vulnerability. For now, though, Nicholas has taken the lessons learned from figuring out how to live his life on his own terms to tell his story on them too.
And I really cannot recommend it highly enough.
Relevant disclaimers: None
Please note: This review may not be reproduced or quoted, in whole or in part, without explicit consent from the author.
And remember: I am not here to judge your drag, I mean your book. Books are art and art is subjective. These are just my personal thoughts. They are not meant to be taken as broader commentary on the general quality of the work. Believe me, I have not enjoyed many an excellent book, and my individual lack of enjoyment has not made any of those books less excellent or (more relevantly) less successful.
Further disclaimer: Readers, please stop accusing me of trying to take down “my competition” because I wrote a review you didn’t like. This is complete nonsense. Firstly, writing isn’t a competitive sport. Secondly, I only publish reviews of books in the subgenre where I’m best known (queer romcom) if I have good things to say. And finally: taking time out of my life to read an entire book and then write a GR review about it would be a profoundly inefficient and ineffective way to damage the careers of other authors. If you can’t credit me with simply being a person who loves books and likes talking about them, at least credit me with enough common sense to be a better villain.
*******************************************
Oh Gawd, I should probably have realised this earlier but … it’s really hard to review memoirs. Not least because it feels perilously close to reviewing a person. Did they lay themselves bare entertainingly enough? Was their life relevant enough to mine to engage me? Power dynamics that become even complex when the person in question is already marginalised compared to you. To say nothing of the fact that we’re at a cultural place right now that seems determined to strip trans people of their voices, their access to medical care, their basic fucking selfhood. In any case—doing my best to put all that aside and talk about the book as a book—this is a timely, engaging, genuinely excellent piece of memoir writing. So much so that I did get close to the end of think and think how in God’s name is this man only twenty-six. Because I was a fucking idiot at twenty-six. And this is incredibly measured, insightful … and kind of, you know. Wise even? How.
Rather than going full David Copperfield—from ‘I am born’ to ‘I am twenty-six’—A Trans Man Walks Into A Gay Bar is rather more thematic: by focusing on particular experiences from the author’s life, it takes the opportunity to discuss them culturally as well as personally. Although I should also say that Nicholas is always careful to emphasise that his experiences are his own, strongly informed by his perspective as a white, relatively affluent, publicly passing binary trans man, and should not be taken as universal.
I honestly feel somewhat inadequate in my attempt to do justice to this book. If you look at almost any review that isn’t mine, you’ll see people talking about how it spoke to them very directly or made them feel seen in a way they hadn’t felt before, or articulated something that they hadn’t quite managed to articulate for themselves. I think it’s those type of responses that speak not only to how necessary this book is—especially right now—but also to how effectively Nicholas communicates his life story, his ideas, and his perspective. For my own part, I found the book intensely moving, as well thought-provoking. Not, I hasten to add, because it’s a trauma narrative. It goes to some fairly dark places with candour and courage, but Nicholas is as articulate when it comes to celebrating trans joy as he is at expressing trans pain:
For me, transitioning was more about coming home. It was the biggest act of self-care and self-love I have ever been able to give myself.
The other aspect of a A Trans Man Walks Into A Gay Bar that I personally found really admirable was the way Nicholas uses his experiences—as a gay man, as a trans man, as a gay trans man, and as someone who once presented as and was perceived differently—to retain a multiplicity of perspectives. This is complicated to talk about because—in the UK at least—there tends to be a singular narrative of transness that is treated as “correct” i.e. that if you’re “really” trans, you must always have known, your aim is for your gender presentation to mimic cis norms as closely as possible, you must experience dysphoria, you must seek medical intervention up to and including surgery, that transition itself means one thing, and that having transitioned anything and everything that happened to you previously becomes either irrelevant or unspeakable.
And obviously some (or all) of these things might be true for some people. But something Nicholas is very open (and eloquent) about is the value all his experiences hold for him, even the negative ones, and even the ones that belong to a part of his life that certain cultural narratives tell him he must abandon or otherwise disavow:
My trans body is meaningful. It is what separates me from being a cisgender man. It means I have a difference and a history that is unlike cisgender men. I wouldn’t be the man I am today if I hadn’t lived 18 years of my life as a woman. I’m proud of my difference.
I can’t—and, frankly, shouldn’t—make claims about whether this book will speak to you. It did, however, speak to me. It spoke to me quite profoundly. Because you don’t have to directly share Nicholas’s identity (or all aspects of his identity) for the things he discusses—queerness, gender, bodies, self-worth, society, love, sex—to be meaningful or relevant to you. In fact, I kind of think maybe if you feel those things *aren’t* meaningful or relevant to you, then you are probably as much in need of this book as the people for whom (some of) Nicholas’s experiences may be directly familiar. The fact is, trans rights are human rights; by demonising, othering or pathologising trans people we are ultimately just harming ourselves. Because, as this book illustrates time and time again, kyriarchy, patriarchy, heteronormativity, gender essentialism, hurt everyone, not equally certainly, but the more we trap ourselves in a society that trammels identity, or rejects the humanity of others, the worse that society becomes for everyone.
I wondered whether this was just what being gay was– trying to find warmth in cold places. Trying to make ourselves comfortable in the little space we have. All squished together in our tiny boxes, looking but not really seeing the people around us. I wondered if we as gay men realized, or cared, that it could be so soulless, or if that was just something we’d had to become accustomed to, or perhaps we hadn’t known anything different.
In his prologue to the book, Nicholas, echoing Shon Faye in The Transgender Issue, notes the long-standing pressure on trans people to offer their stories to the world in order to have their voices heard. There is an undeniable vulnerability—the sort of vulnerability that always comes with honesty—to A Trans Man Walks Into A Gay Bar. But along with that vulnerability comes strength, conviction, compassion, and insight. I hope someday we can get to a place where we can listen to trans voices without also demanding this kind of vulnerability. For now, though, Nicholas has taken the lessons learned from figuring out how to live his life on his own terms to tell his story on them too.
And I really cannot recommend it highly enough.
February 28, 2023
welcome to 202-Queer 🌈✨
50 in February: 48/50
the importance of being seen ✨
i love requesting books on Edelweiss because they're like "why do you want it" and i'm like "me 🏳️⚧️🏳️🌈, book also 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️, why would you even ask????" and they're like "yeah checks out".
Harry's deeply personal account of what it means to be trans and gay resonated with me so much. i loved reading about his experiences and the thoughts and fears he had while going through them. i only cried like fifteen times ( ꈍᴗꈍ)
i also liked how he didn't just share his own account but also made references to current events and even cited sources (it's the academic in me, don't interact).
i think there are more and more books, especially fiction, coming out these days that feature trans characters that are also gay which suggests that the notion that trans people transition to be "straight" is slowly receiving pushback. that being said, i think sharing real life experiences about navigating gay spaces as a trans person is really important, not only for fellow trans people to feel less alone in their worries and fears but it's also something that the rest of the LGBTQ community needs to be aware of - let's be real here, a lot of gay spaces do exclusively cater to cis people and can be quite toxic when you don't conform to what it means to be a man ™ in their eyes.
i do highly recommend this book to fellow trans friends but especially to everyone who is cis - otherwise queer or not. it's very well written, easy to read, and very important in this day and age.
i received an arc via edelweiss, all opinions are my own
50 in February: 48/50
"I have at times wondered if it would have been easier to continue hiding as a girl and simply try to squash down any dysphoria and live life as a straight woman as best I could. In fact, at seventeen, that’s exactly what I decided to do. But in the end, none of us can deny our true selves. Not really. So this is the messy path to how I got to where I am – to the place that I know feels right as a gay trans man."
the importance of being seen ✨
i love requesting books on Edelweiss because they're like "why do you want it" and i'm like "me 🏳️⚧️🏳️🌈, book also 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️, why would you even ask????" and they're like "yeah checks out".
Harry's deeply personal account of what it means to be trans and gay resonated with me so much. i loved reading about his experiences and the thoughts and fears he had while going through them. i only cried like fifteen times ( ꈍᴗꈍ)
i also liked how he didn't just share his own account but also made references to current events and even cited sources (it's the academic in me, don't interact).
i think there are more and more books, especially fiction, coming out these days that feature trans characters that are also gay which suggests that the notion that trans people transition to be "straight" is slowly receiving pushback. that being said, i think sharing real life experiences about navigating gay spaces as a trans person is really important, not only for fellow trans people to feel less alone in their worries and fears but it's also something that the rest of the LGBTQ community needs to be aware of - let's be real here, a lot of gay spaces do exclusively cater to cis people and can be quite toxic when you don't conform to what it means to be a man ™ in their eyes.
i do highly recommend this book to fellow trans friends but especially to everyone who is cis - otherwise queer or not. it's very well written, easy to read, and very important in this day and age.
i received an arc via edelweiss, all opinions are my own
February 16, 2023
Harry Nicholas’ book is an insightful look at one man’s journey and experiences being a trans gay man. He makes it very clear that this is a book about his personal experiences and it isn’t meant to represent all gay or trans men. While this is mostly focused on Harry’s own story he does also bring in queer and trans history in certain sections. And he also brings in more modern news stories of experiences of other queer and/or trans people.
I appreciated that while he does write about some of his own more difficult moments, or transphobia and homophobia in the news, this book as a whole is not about trauma. There are plenty of stories about joy and moments of euphoria.
The book isn’t written in a fully chronological way, it’s more focused around each chapter being about a different topic or theme. In the beginning I felt like I was just thrown into the book and wasn’t finding out enough about Harry as a person, just learning about experiences he was having. As it went on I settled more into the book, but I feel like I would have benefitted from the book being chronological so it would be easier to follow his progress and journey.
Overall I think this is an interesting memoir that details experiences that I haven’t seen much representation for in books. Definitely check it out if it sounds interesting to you.
Thank you to the publisher for an advance copy via NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
I appreciated that while he does write about some of his own more difficult moments, or transphobia and homophobia in the news, this book as a whole is not about trauma. There are plenty of stories about joy and moments of euphoria.
The book isn’t written in a fully chronological way, it’s more focused around each chapter being about a different topic or theme. In the beginning I felt like I was just thrown into the book and wasn’t finding out enough about Harry as a person, just learning about experiences he was having. As it went on I settled more into the book, but I feel like I would have benefitted from the book being chronological so it would be easier to follow his progress and journey.
Overall I think this is an interesting memoir that details experiences that I haven’t seen much representation for in books. Definitely check it out if it sounds interesting to you.
Thank you to the publisher for an advance copy via NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
February 2, 2023
What means the most to me about this book is the fact that it exists. That I’m able to read about another gay trans man’s experiences and see myself reflected in them - moments like ‘YES I’ve had this thought so many times’ and ‘oh, I really want this in my future’. The author wrote this book with exactly this in mind - not being able to find almost any books by and about gay trans men - and I am very glad that he did.
This book is very meaningful to me on a personal level as a trans person, but in general, the way it is written is also very accessible to cis people looking to read more about being trans. The author does a very good job at presenting important trans issues as well as trans & queer culture and history throughout, in a way that feels very personal but still informative.
Sections that stood out to me the most were the author’s relationship to water as a gay trans man, the whole issue surrounding healthcare and how even non-trans-specific healthcare can be a huge problem for trans people, and also the “but who will love you?” section (because which trans person hasn’t been asked that by their parents).
“Lou Sullivan [a gay trans activist] is quoted as saying, ‘I wanna look like what I am but I don’t know what someone like me looks like’. It’s been 32 years since his death date, and I am starting to see what people who are gay and trans look like, and I’m able to imagine endless possibilities of what we could be in the future. But in the meantime, I’m still searching for people like me.”
(Thank you to NetGalley and Jessica Kingsley publishers for an ARC of this book - it genuinely meant a lot to me).
This book is very meaningful to me on a personal level as a trans person, but in general, the way it is written is also very accessible to cis people looking to read more about being trans. The author does a very good job at presenting important trans issues as well as trans & queer culture and history throughout, in a way that feels very personal but still informative.
Sections that stood out to me the most were the author’s relationship to water as a gay trans man, the whole issue surrounding healthcare and how even non-trans-specific healthcare can be a huge problem for trans people, and also the “but who will love you?” section (because which trans person hasn’t been asked that by their parents).
“Lou Sullivan [a gay trans activist] is quoted as saying, ‘I wanna look like what I am but I don’t know what someone like me looks like’. It’s been 32 years since his death date, and I am starting to see what people who are gay and trans look like, and I’m able to imagine endless possibilities of what we could be in the future. But in the meantime, I’m still searching for people like me.”
(Thank you to NetGalley and Jessica Kingsley publishers for an ARC of this book - it genuinely meant a lot to me).
July 9, 2023
This book left me confused about who its intended reader is supposed to be. The segments where Nicholas directly addresses TERF talking points felt intended for cis allies, but he opens the book by talking about how he created this book out of a desire to read his own experiences reflected on a page. I liked Nicholas’s writing when he was recounting specific experiences, like in the chapter about the pools, but he follows up these sections with similar points about transness and validity repeated over and over again. I wish he’d let the stories speak for themselves and trusted the reader to come to their own conclusions a bit more. It felt like he was telling the reader what to get out of these stories directly and I found this somewhat frustrating. I am a trans gay man, but this book didn’t really feel like it was “for me,” because its method of delivery seemed to have someone less informed about the realities of being trans and gay in mind. However, I did really appreciate Nicholas’s descriptions of his struggles with belonging in gay spaces, because I found them relatable and I liked the empathy which Nicholas extends to himself and other trans people. I also appreciated Nicholas’s references to queer history. He grounds his book, and by extension his experiences, in a canon which people often claim that trans people have no part in. He comes across as very genuine, and his tone grew on me as I continued through the book. Even if this book wasn’t for me, I still feel like I got something out of it.
Currently reading
May 19, 2023wow thats me
January 17, 2023
*Note: I am a trans, non binary, queer, white and disabled person. I want to thank Harry Nicholas and Jessica Kingsley Publishers for the opportunity to access an eARC of this book.
The thing that sold me on this book was the cover (gorgeous and eye-catching colours, well chosen font choice and photo) and the title (clever and sets the whole mood for the tone and themes of this book, honestly, it’s genius). The designer deserves recognition!
Onto the contents! Now, I’m hesitant to read a lot of trans biographies and memoirs, especially as this year I decided to steer away from ‘trans trauma’ narratives. Often the trans narrative is focused solely on our trauma - on the abuse and exclusion and pain we all suffer at one point or another (weekly, daily, even hourly).
While this narrative is important to bring awareness to, it can also be dangerous - and is the main (if only) genre of any trans narrative, fiction or non-fiction. Being trans is so much more than, and honestly, not even about, pain. It’s about joy - joy in our gender euphoria, our discovery of ourselves, what makes us happy, how we WANT to live and feel, be seen, and express ourselves as.
I say all this to praise this book, because Harry, while of course discussing the trauma and pain he has encountered, focuses mainly on the joy and rhythm of his journey. His ups and downs, his smiles and sorrows, all while his main goal is to educate and tie each anecdote to a current or pressing issue. Just as with everyone, the sorrows of his life are always companions to fun, wild, dangerous, and fulfilling experiences.
His humor never misses, nor does it feel shoved in as an afterthought to lighten a harrowing moment. Instead, Harry flawlessly navigates the complicated and nuanced flood of emotions so well that no moment is ever the ‘trauma’ moment or the ‘happy’ moment. That just doesn't exist in life. We FEEL so much in each second. Yet he’s able to convey these without complication or overbearance.
If I could wish for changes, (especially as Harry wrote this book because he could not find books on this very topic (being a gay trans man in gay spaces)) I would have loved him to offer tips and advice on things he’s learned in a summary of each section. What should one prepare for and take to a gay bar? How can one take safety precautions on a date? What are the social rules and practices of a gay sauna? What can you do to prepare for transphobia on a date? Mind you, a lot of advice is given during or after anecdotes, but I, being a list person, would have appreciated some bullet-point summaries at the end.
During the section on the issues around ‘passing’ (which was brilliantly done, don’t get me wrong) he failed to mention how it affects androgynous presenting trans folk (such as myself), intersex people and trans folk who happily present as the gender they are assigned at birth but are another gender entirely. Passing isn’t even an option for some of us (some don’t want to) and some (like me) who won’t ever get the option in their lifetime. That’s honestly a large portion of our trans population that got left out of this discussion.
Lastly, this is another (as far as I’ve been able to tell) book from a white perspective. Harry does mention the need to listen to and be aware of BIPOC trans folk, but I felt that a lot of Harry’s experiences were grounded in the safety of whiteness. It limits how well this book could help BIPOC trans men looking for the book Harry set out to make. It is helpful to white folks, sure, but leaves out much needed help to our trans BIPOC siblings. I’d love for this same book to be written from a Black, Indigenous or Takatāpui lens.
Overall, I do rate this a 4.5 for white readers - as it will help them. For non-white readers, I’m not qualified to rate, but I will suggest it leaves out critical information and help for them (but I implore we listen to BIPOC reviewers always in this area rather than myself).
The thing that sold me on this book was the cover (gorgeous and eye-catching colours, well chosen font choice and photo) and the title (clever and sets the whole mood for the tone and themes of this book, honestly, it’s genius). The designer deserves recognition!
Onto the contents! Now, I’m hesitant to read a lot of trans biographies and memoirs, especially as this year I decided to steer away from ‘trans trauma’ narratives. Often the trans narrative is focused solely on our trauma - on the abuse and exclusion and pain we all suffer at one point or another (weekly, daily, even hourly).
While this narrative is important to bring awareness to, it can also be dangerous - and is the main (if only) genre of any trans narrative, fiction or non-fiction. Being trans is so much more than, and honestly, not even about, pain. It’s about joy - joy in our gender euphoria, our discovery of ourselves, what makes us happy, how we WANT to live and feel, be seen, and express ourselves as.
I say all this to praise this book, because Harry, while of course discussing the trauma and pain he has encountered, focuses mainly on the joy and rhythm of his journey. His ups and downs, his smiles and sorrows, all while his main goal is to educate and tie each anecdote to a current or pressing issue. Just as with everyone, the sorrows of his life are always companions to fun, wild, dangerous, and fulfilling experiences.
His humor never misses, nor does it feel shoved in as an afterthought to lighten a harrowing moment. Instead, Harry flawlessly navigates the complicated and nuanced flood of emotions so well that no moment is ever the ‘trauma’ moment or the ‘happy’ moment. That just doesn't exist in life. We FEEL so much in each second. Yet he’s able to convey these without complication or overbearance.
If I could wish for changes, (especially as Harry wrote this book because he could not find books on this very topic (being a gay trans man in gay spaces)) I would have loved him to offer tips and advice on things he’s learned in a summary of each section. What should one prepare for and take to a gay bar? How can one take safety precautions on a date? What are the social rules and practices of a gay sauna? What can you do to prepare for transphobia on a date? Mind you, a lot of advice is given during or after anecdotes, but I, being a list person, would have appreciated some bullet-point summaries at the end.
During the section on the issues around ‘passing’ (which was brilliantly done, don’t get me wrong) he failed to mention how it affects androgynous presenting trans folk (such as myself), intersex people and trans folk who happily present as the gender they are assigned at birth but are another gender entirely. Passing isn’t even an option for some of us (some don’t want to) and some (like me) who won’t ever get the option in their lifetime. That’s honestly a large portion of our trans population that got left out of this discussion.
Lastly, this is another (as far as I’ve been able to tell) book from a white perspective. Harry does mention the need to listen to and be aware of BIPOC trans folk, but I felt that a lot of Harry’s experiences were grounded in the safety of whiteness. It limits how well this book could help BIPOC trans men looking for the book Harry set out to make. It is helpful to white folks, sure, but leaves out much needed help to our trans BIPOC siblings. I’d love for this same book to be written from a Black, Indigenous or Takatāpui lens.
Overall, I do rate this a 4.5 for white readers - as it will help them. For non-white readers, I’m not qualified to rate, but I will suggest it leaves out critical information and help for them (but I implore we listen to BIPOC reviewers always in this area rather than myself).
July 22, 2025
I really, really wanted to like this book.
In a charming independent bookstore in Dublin, I was intrigued by the high-contrast cover and plucked it off the shelf to read the blurb. It seemed as if this was a book written from my own perspective, and I was SO eager to get into it. Well... that didn't last long.
Honestly, kudos to Harry Nicholas for even writing a book on the subject, you can tell a lot of effort has been put into this. My major bug-bear, which honestly turns me off so hard I found it hard to read, is: I don't know who the demographic for this book is. Others have commented on this- half of the writing is over-explanatory enough that you need not have any context of the trans experience to get along with, which is fantastic to be inclusive for those honestly wanting to learn. However, the other half reads like a preacher on a soap box, screaming defensively about how trans identities are valid, every other chapter. If the book is appealing to fellow trans people, then the preaching is wholly unnecessary and repetitive; if it’s appealing to curious cis people, then I imagine it might come across aggressive and off-putting. It certainly put me off.
In a charming independent bookstore in Dublin, I was intrigued by the high-contrast cover and plucked it off the shelf to read the blurb. It seemed as if this was a book written from my own perspective, and I was SO eager to get into it. Well... that didn't last long.
Honestly, kudos to Harry Nicholas for even writing a book on the subject, you can tell a lot of effort has been put into this. My major bug-bear, which honestly turns me off so hard I found it hard to read, is: I don't know who the demographic for this book is. Others have commented on this- half of the writing is over-explanatory enough that you need not have any context of the trans experience to get along with, which is fantastic to be inclusive for those honestly wanting to learn. However, the other half reads like a preacher on a soap box, screaming defensively about how trans identities are valid, every other chapter. If the book is appealing to fellow trans people, then the preaching is wholly unnecessary and repetitive; if it’s appealing to curious cis people, then I imagine it might come across aggressive and off-putting. It certainly put me off.
March 31, 2023
An interesting, often funny memoir about a gay trans man's experiences. I read this book within a day, which I usually don't nearly manage with non-fiction books. I really appreciated reading about this intersection of identities. The book does have some heavier moments, with descriptions of transphobia and homophobia, but the tone of the book is pretty lighthearted and there's lots of room for gay and trans joy as well.
October 11, 2023
While I’m happy that his story is available for the larger public, I feel that the narrative is simply not sharp enough. Maybe it’s my bias against memoirs, especially ones written at such a young age.
Nevertheless, I will keep an eye on other writings of Nicholas, as he seems to be a witty storyteller of the trans experience. Maybe a book was a bit of a stretch at this point of his career?
Nevertheless, I will keep an eye on other writings of Nicholas, as he seems to be a witty storyteller of the trans experience. Maybe a book was a bit of a stretch at this point of his career?
May 30, 2023
2023. Welcome to the new homophobia.
February 4, 2024
Livros pra deixar o coração quentinho e imaginar um futuro transmaculino, gay, vivo e feliz.
June 18, 2023
4.5 stars.
January 2, 2025
he kept saying things that are so obvious it was mind-numbing and made me want to disagree with his points just to provide myself with more intellectual stimulation while slogging through this. brings nothing new to the table and his social and political analyses were either so oversimplified or just entirely misguided. it really shows that he doesn’t have many trans people in his life, as he admits toward the end, because the thoughts and experiences he shares are so surface level his theoretical trans friends would’ve never let him publish this. not beautifully written, or funny, like you mashed uninteresting tumblr story times with bumper sticker level analyses (i can be gay and trans! i should proudly be myself! trans people are discriminated against!). like yeahhhhh! true! give me more please? i’m begging you
April 16, 2023
Harry Nicholas’ memoir is an accessible, conversational and educational account of his own life and experiences as a gay, trans man. Overall, Harry seems like a lovely guy who I would like to have a chat with, and I found myself wishing that his book would go a little deeper. My favourite essay was “The Ponds” because I think it traced a beautiful and profound connection between queer history and his own embodiment specifically as it relates to swimming and water, and I wanted more of that insight to be present throughout the other essays. There were also some editing and syntax errors that distracted me throughout. I’m glad that this book exists as an honest, contemporary account and I wish Harry the best!
Thank you to the publishers and NetGalley for this e-ARC!
Thank you to the publishers and NetGalley for this e-ARC!
August 6, 2023
Finished this in a day (rare), and glad it exists - gay trans experiences aren't written about enough! Would say it can be a bit cringe at times, and the author's political interjections quite clumsy, but still a touching and relatable read.
June 24, 2025
Harry Nicholas' experiences address the complexities of being in the intersection of being a trans man and being a gay man. In this book, he narrates his emotions and feelings from the time he was a kid until he was 26, how he struggled with his gender and sexuality, how he took up space as a trans gay man in spaces he didn't think would accept him, how he accepted his body, and how he found love.
It tells the experience of just one person, but it spoke to me deeply and for anyone willing to understand a bit of what being trans is, I recommend giving it a chance.
It tells the experience of just one person, but it spoke to me deeply and for anyone willing to understand a bit of what being trans is, I recommend giving it a chance.
June 15, 2023
I need a 6th star!!!!
December 19, 2023
For the last couple years, I’ve been reminded of how much I love memoirs, how I like learning about people’s experiences and read from a personal experience, so when I saw this somewhere, it sounded interesting and I decided to pick it up!!
This read didn’t disappoint at all!! I really enjoyed how Harry speaks of his experience, and the time it takes him to learn (or better come to accept) of his sexuality, and how he’s influenced by the expectation he still felt as a trans man… but also as a kid the expectations he felt that he had to be a lesbian because of how he was perceived as a girl, and moving to come out.
I also really like how the book speaks of him as an individual but also about his relationships with others. How it feels to come out from a long term relationship, and to adventure on his own for the first time as a gay man, and speaking again of expectations and how it was to enter this world as a trans man - I just really love how he spoke of both the joy and good moments, and the violence and bad moments.
Honestly this was such a good read, and an excellent exploration into Harry’s life and relationship with the queer community.
Book read for the Lightfall 2023 Readathon, and the prompt "Smith & Friends & Sons Arcane Goods & Such" - last book you added to your want-to-read list!! :) Since this arrived to my home just the week before the challenge, it counts as the last added to my physical tbr :)
This read didn’t disappoint at all!! I really enjoyed how Harry speaks of his experience, and the time it takes him to learn (or better come to accept) of his sexuality, and how he’s influenced by the expectation he still felt as a trans man… but also as a kid the expectations he felt that he had to be a lesbian because of how he was perceived as a girl, and moving to come out.
I also really like how the book speaks of him as an individual but also about his relationships with others. How it feels to come out from a long term relationship, and to adventure on his own for the first time as a gay man, and speaking again of expectations and how it was to enter this world as a trans man - I just really love how he spoke of both the joy and good moments, and the violence and bad moments.
Honestly this was such a good read, and an excellent exploration into Harry’s life and relationship with the queer community.
Book read for the Lightfall 2023 Readathon, and the prompt "Smith & Friends & Sons Arcane Goods & Such" - last book you added to your want-to-read list!! :) Since this arrived to my home just the week before the challenge, it counts as the last added to my physical tbr :)
October 20, 2023
I’m really glad this book exists, and there are parts of it that were incredibly illuminating or insightful for me. The writing wasn’t always my style and it could get repetitive at times, or kind of contradictory in a way that I think deserved deeper analysis. Yet I have such a deep appreciation to Harry Nicholas for writing the book HE needed, on a topic that is really so underrepresented in literature. (Also, first book I’ve read in a while that isn’t for school!! 🎉)
May 4, 2023
I want to thank Netgalley, the author and Jessica Kingsley Publishers for sending me a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.
This memoir is an absolutely essential addition to modern literature. As Nicholas states, there are opportunities to read about gay experiences or trans experiences, but rarely both at once. In the political moment we are living through currently, it is so important to listen to and promote queer voices - especially trans ones.
Nicholas’ different ways of identifying throughout his life offers a multitude of perspectives. This is actually incredibly rare and makes his story even more precious. He makes very clear that there is no one universal trans experience, nor even one universal gay trans experience. He writes consistently eloquently and rightfully celebrates the unique joy that being gay and trans brings to his life.
I think this book offers one of the most powerful counter-arguments to the commonly heralded transphobic view that trans people are just confused homosexuals. After dealing with a pretty vitriolic rant from my own uncle over Easter, where I was accused of being a homophobe (despite him being completely unaware of my sexuality) and a traitor to my own gender (by a man of all people) for supporting trans rights, this book came at a perfect time for me. As a cisgender person, Nicholas’ reflections have given me a higher level of understanding and further ways in which I can defend trans people when I come across anti-trans rhetoric.
I am sure this book must be extremely affirming for those who can see parts of themselves in Nicholas’ story, especially those that are also both gay and trans. Its publication is so necessary for the world right now and will bring about so much good. The author does make a point that society often pressures trans people to tell their personal stories and traumas to be taken seriously. The book offers hope that we will be able to move past this, but for now provides an honest insight into a gay trans man in his 20s just trying to figure out this crazy thing called life.
Nicholas focuses on specific events or periods in his life in each chapter. This format did make the narrative a bit jumpy as it was not chronological. It also became slightly repetitive at points, as many of the threads came back to the same core message at the end of each section. Still the importance of this book makes these into very minor issues in the grand scheme of things.
Do you really want to know where I was April 29th? Speeding through this book in a day. I think it is an absolutely solid debut. Sources are cited properly and Nicholas makes good use of references to trans history and contemporary debates. The author is wise beyond his years at 26 and I can’t wait to see what he does in the future.
3.5/5
This memoir is an absolutely essential addition to modern literature. As Nicholas states, there are opportunities to read about gay experiences or trans experiences, but rarely both at once. In the political moment we are living through currently, it is so important to listen to and promote queer voices - especially trans ones.
Nicholas’ different ways of identifying throughout his life offers a multitude of perspectives. This is actually incredibly rare and makes his story even more precious. He makes very clear that there is no one universal trans experience, nor even one universal gay trans experience. He writes consistently eloquently and rightfully celebrates the unique joy that being gay and trans brings to his life.
I think this book offers one of the most powerful counter-arguments to the commonly heralded transphobic view that trans people are just confused homosexuals. After dealing with a pretty vitriolic rant from my own uncle over Easter, where I was accused of being a homophobe (despite him being completely unaware of my sexuality) and a traitor to my own gender (by a man of all people) for supporting trans rights, this book came at a perfect time for me. As a cisgender person, Nicholas’ reflections have given me a higher level of understanding and further ways in which I can defend trans people when I come across anti-trans rhetoric.
I am sure this book must be extremely affirming for those who can see parts of themselves in Nicholas’ story, especially those that are also both gay and trans. Its publication is so necessary for the world right now and will bring about so much good. The author does make a point that society often pressures trans people to tell their personal stories and traumas to be taken seriously. The book offers hope that we will be able to move past this, but for now provides an honest insight into a gay trans man in his 20s just trying to figure out this crazy thing called life.
Nicholas focuses on specific events or periods in his life in each chapter. This format did make the narrative a bit jumpy as it was not chronological. It also became slightly repetitive at points, as many of the threads came back to the same core message at the end of each section. Still the importance of this book makes these into very minor issues in the grand scheme of things.
Do you really want to know where I was April 29th? Speeding through this book in a day. I think it is an absolutely solid debut. Sources are cited properly and Nicholas makes good use of references to trans history and contemporary debates. The author is wise beyond his years at 26 and I can’t wait to see what he does in the future.
3.5/5
May 15, 2023
3.5 stars rounded down.
This book was fine! First, bear with my general "uh oh should have read the blurb" info. When i looked at this cover before requesting an ARC of it, it looked historical? Like it was about gay trans men from maybe the 80s? The aesthetic just feels specifically archival. But, it is actually a contemporary book. And for me, therein lies the issue.
I just... know a lot of gay and queer trans men right now, and over the last like 25 years. I have talked a LOT to MANY of them about being on apps, being in gay men's spaces that assume cis-ness, about that mid/post transition shift to being into dudes that many people didn't feel in the same way before. So while this may be new or novel content to a lot of people, i felt sort of like, oh, a conventionally attractive 26 year old wants to tell me about dating as if he is the first person who has ever done it? I'm good.
That said! The writing is pretty good, there are some good points made, and for a lot of people this is probably a really valuable perspective. I just read Lou Sullivan's diaries a few months ago and was hoping for something more along those lines generationally. But, i gave it 3.5 stars because i think someone will be really glad to have this.
This was a NetGalley ARC.
This book was fine! First, bear with my general "uh oh should have read the blurb" info. When i looked at this cover before requesting an ARC of it, it looked historical? Like it was about gay trans men from maybe the 80s? The aesthetic just feels specifically archival. But, it is actually a contemporary book. And for me, therein lies the issue.
I just... know a lot of gay and queer trans men right now, and over the last like 25 years. I have talked a LOT to MANY of them about being on apps, being in gay men's spaces that assume cis-ness, about that mid/post transition shift to being into dudes that many people didn't feel in the same way before. So while this may be new or novel content to a lot of people, i felt sort of like, oh, a conventionally attractive 26 year old wants to tell me about dating as if he is the first person who has ever done it? I'm good.
That said! The writing is pretty good, there are some good points made, and for a lot of people this is probably a really valuable perspective. I just read Lou Sullivan's diaries a few months ago and was hoping for something more along those lines generationally. But, i gave it 3.5 stars because i think someone will be really glad to have this.
This was a NetGalley ARC.
June 10, 2024
While an interesting and important subject I think the book needed to have a better narrative and POV, and a clearer sense of if it was going to be a full on memoir or an education on trans issues and history. I didn’t find the hybrid worked that well, and I think many readers (most who I assume would be lgbtq+ or allies) would be familiar and agree with much of the more educative parts. I loved the stories about Harry’s life and would have preferred if this were explored more.
July 16, 2025
Lol I finished reading this book (with lots of skimming) bc I found it interesting to hear stories about a gay trans man’s experience. But boy oh boy it was written so so badly. Sorry harry but like who edited this book? I truly lost it when he called das kapital Marx’s “first novel” 🤔🙃🥲
Read
September 14, 2025"Resistance can take any form-a protest, a tweet, lobbying government for change, a petition, Pride parades. But resistance is in joy as well as struggle."
I'm a lover of autobiographical works. I enjoy reading about people's journeys, trials, and triumphs. It's a genre that never fails to widen my world view, teaching me something new, and making me more empathetic towards others, particularly those with different lived experiences than myself. A Trans Man Walks into a Gay Bar does exactly that. It's a raw, deeply personal book whose author doesn't shy way from vulnerability and self-reflection, all while contextualizing his coming-of-age as a gay trans man within the socio-political realities of trans and queer people in the UK.
"For me, transitioning was more about coming home. It was the biggest act of self-care and self-love I have ever been to offer."
I'm a lover of autobiographical works. I enjoy reading about people's journeys, trials, and triumphs. It's a genre that never fails to widen my world view, teaching me something new, and making me more empathetic towards others, particularly those with different lived experiences than myself. A Trans Man Walks into a Gay Bar does exactly that. It's a raw, deeply personal book whose author doesn't shy way from vulnerability and self-reflection, all while contextualizing his coming-of-age as a gay trans man within the socio-political realities of trans and queer people in the UK.
"For me, transitioning was more about coming home. It was the biggest act of self-care and self-love I have ever been to offer."
September 16, 2023
delightful!! thoughtful!! impactful!!
this was both light in the story telling but deep in the thoughts. it didn’t make me think too hard but make me think just enough. i really liked the discussion about gender and sexuality being linked much more than we usually talk about. the uniqueness of this journey of lesbian —> trans man —> gay trans man was really really fascinating! i LOVED the comment about how Harry said he has experienced every letter of LGBTQ in their lifetime!
highly recommend! it’s an easy read (200 pages) with a really approachable and conversationalist delivery. i will probably buy it soon!
this was both light in the story telling but deep in the thoughts. it didn’t make me think too hard but make me think just enough. i really liked the discussion about gender and sexuality being linked much more than we usually talk about. the uniqueness of this journey of lesbian —> trans man —> gay trans man was really really fascinating! i LOVED the comment about how Harry said he has experienced every letter of LGBTQ in their lifetime!
highly recommend! it’s an easy read (200 pages) with a really approachable and conversationalist delivery. i will probably buy it soon!
October 9, 2025
3.5- felt like i was reading many posts from a friend’s blog. while enjoyable, i don’t feel like i got a ton out of it.
November 29, 2023
I had the wrong expectation going into this book. It was my fault; I should've known better. Cis people exist! And I forgot about that. I hoped that A Trans Man Walks Into a Gay Bar would be about Nicholas' experience dating as a gay trans man and diving into the nuances in a way written for fellow gay trans men. I was hoping it might help answer some of my own specific questions, especially as I consider dating in the future.
But cis people account for the majority of readers/book buyers.
I'm not saying this book doesn't touch on dating (it spends about 1/3 on dating, 1/3 on thoughts about relationships, and 1/3 on other information about his gender journey and trans people info) OR that Nicholas isn't at the core of his writing wanting fellow gay trans men to read this.
It's just publishing.
His warning for family, coworkers, etc., reading a book about his dating life made me think it'd be more explicit.
Failing my reading desires doesn't mean that A Trans Man Walks Into a Gay Bar isn't a good book. As I read the first several chapters, it felt more like pieces that I wanted to share with friends who've asked me questions about transness and gender. About how to think about gender expansiveness and gender queerness instead of narratives of "born in the wrong body," "I told my mom when I was 3...," or "I was assigned X at birth, and now I'm Y in a binary transition." There is both a call to "explain yourself" and "fuck anyone who questions my gender."
I'm glad his family is ultimately supportive of him, but I hope his mom feels really bad about questioning who would love him as a trans person.
Nicholas goes on a journey of seeking validation as a man from cis men, especially in men-only places and in gay male dating and sex. He realizes what we all do in the end: that we can only be ourselves and that loving ourselves as we are is a radical act.
The writing style was organic over strictly chronological, but there was a throughline of progress. While there was undoubtedly body stuff, Nicholas' own transition was primarily discussed in emotional learning and growth over physical transition steps. At times, his writing could've used some tightening and sharpening.
Nicholas is pretty good at reiterating when things are solely his experience, not a monolith experience. Still, his whiteness was a largely invisible privilege, which seems like a glaring omission in discussions of gay male dating spaces in 2023. Nicholas also oddly never addresses that not all trans men and trans masc people like bottoming for penetrative (especially front hole) sex, even as he mentions and discusses bottom dysphoria, and there is zero discussion about trans men topping and navigating those assumptions with cis men.
But cis people account for the majority of readers/book buyers.
I'm not saying this book doesn't touch on dating (it spends about 1/3 on dating, 1/3 on thoughts about relationships, and 1/3 on other information about his gender journey and trans people info) OR that Nicholas isn't at the core of his writing wanting fellow gay trans men to read this.
It's just publishing.
His warning for family, coworkers, etc., reading a book about his dating life made me think it'd be more explicit.
Failing my reading desires doesn't mean that A Trans Man Walks Into a Gay Bar isn't a good book. As I read the first several chapters, it felt more like pieces that I wanted to share with friends who've asked me questions about transness and gender. About how to think about gender expansiveness and gender queerness instead of narratives of "born in the wrong body," "I told my mom when I was 3...," or "I was assigned X at birth, and now I'm Y in a binary transition." There is both a call to "explain yourself" and "fuck anyone who questions my gender."
I'm glad his family is ultimately supportive of him, but I hope his mom feels really bad about questioning who would love him as a trans person.
Nicholas goes on a journey of seeking validation as a man from cis men, especially in men-only places and in gay male dating and sex. He realizes what we all do in the end: that we can only be ourselves and that loving ourselves as we are is a radical act.
The writing style was organic over strictly chronological, but there was a throughline of progress. While there was undoubtedly body stuff, Nicholas' own transition was primarily discussed in emotional learning and growth over physical transition steps. At times, his writing could've used some tightening and sharpening.
Nicholas is pretty good at reiterating when things are solely his experience, not a monolith experience. Still, his whiteness was a largely invisible privilege, which seems like a glaring omission in discussions of gay male dating spaces in 2023. Nicholas also oddly never addresses that not all trans men and trans masc people like bottoming for penetrative (especially front hole) sex, even as he mentions and discusses bottom dysphoria, and there is zero discussion about trans men topping and navigating those assumptions with cis men.
April 26, 2025
2.5 rounded up!!
I really enjoyed the chapter about ponds and the discussion of sex as self-harm (although I’m not 100% sure if he used that exact term; this may just be me projecting here 🙃) but I would have preferred more depth in the reflection — or, sometimes, any reflection at all — and I felt some of it was a little repetitive. However, I also acknowledge that this book wasn’t written for me, personally, and others have found it super helpful/informative/generally epic
I do think that 26 is much too young to be writing a memoir :^0
I really enjoyed the chapter about ponds and the discussion of sex as self-harm (although I’m not 100% sure if he used that exact term; this may just be me projecting here 🙃) but I would have preferred more depth in the reflection — or, sometimes, any reflection at all — and I felt some of it was a little repetitive. However, I also acknowledge that this book wasn’t written for me, personally, and others have found it super helpful/informative/generally epic
I do think that 26 is much too young to be writing a memoir :^0
February 7, 2025
this book truly has it all: bad writing, repetitive preaching, and mind-numbingly uninteresting personal anecdotes and leaves me wondering who this book is even for because it is not for other trans people despite its claims
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