Dry Humping: A Guide to Dating, Relating, and Hooking Up Without the Booze

by Tawny Lara

In this judgment-free handbook, sober sexpert Tawny Lara shows you how to replace “liquid courage” with real courage at every stage of the dating game, ultimately building stronger sexual and romantic relationships.

Dating, hookups, and romance can be a huge source of anxiety and pressure. When you’re intimidated or overwhelmed, it’s easy to use alcohol to feel more relaxed and outgoing. But what if you no longer want to have booze in your life? What do you do on dates? How do you soothe worries and hang-ups? And how the heck do you work up the nerve to be naked with someone new?

In Dry Humping, you will learn how to have better dates, sex, and partnerships with tools like:

Booze-free date ideas
Scripts for awkward conversations
Interviews with experts
Thought-provoking prompts
Perspectives from a diverse range of regular people
And more!

You don’t need alcohol to have a fun, carefree, fulfilling dating life—and in fact, you may find that giving up booze brings you closer to your partners and to yourself. Dry Humping will offer you the tools to step away from alcohol, for however long you want to, while also having more fun in and out of the bedroom.

Genres: Nonfiction, Addiction, Self Help, Mental Health

208 pages, Paperback

Published September 19, 2023

About the author

Tawny Lara is the author of Dry Humping: A Guide to Dating, Relating, and Hooking Up Without the Booze and co-author of The Sobriety Deck.

She co-founded the non-alc botanical spirit (parentheses) teaches virtual courses about writing, publishing, and media strategy.

Reviews

[Rick Wilson · Rating 2 out of 5]

Millennial “sober influencer” shares opinions and personal anecdotes as fact.

I can feel the Instagram therapy speak dripping off every page.

Not harmful in any major way. But mostly devoid of good advice. Stuff like “if you feel anxious before a date, have a nice cup of tea.” Thanks, I’m cured.

[Tell]

A must-read for anyone who is currently experimenting with sober curiosity, going alcohol free, or dating in (New York especially). Filled with sensitivity and tips for establishing real human connection, no matter your relationship to drinking, and filled with data and interviews with people from all walks of life. Super informative and genuinely fun to read!

[Trea · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book has a lot of creative ideas and one stupid one.

[Elizabeth Tuttle · Rating 3 out of 5]

I highly appreciate the premise - that one of the most challenging parts of sobriety is sex/dating and we should be more explicit in talking about how to navigate this stuff rather than just tell people sobriety is the most important thing and everything else will work itself out.

Both the pro and con of this book is that you could basically find all of this advice in listicles or sober-inspo posts on any social media. It's very normie advice such as: if you normally pregame a date out of nerves, try meditation.
However, if you want to save yourself scouring the internet for all of this type of advice, this is a quick and accessible book to get it all in one space. Some of the advice I found more useful was the specific phrases to use in uncomfortable situations - if you struggle with setting boundaries, you will find something useful in this.

[Lisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

There wasn’t anything profound or surprising in here, but it did encourage me to take myself out to a nice dinner and experience things I want to experience, like the symphony or sporting events, alone. This book definitely made me think about my past choices and relationships, and the role alcohol played in them, stuff I’m dealing with in therapy and what kind of relationship I want in the future. I think it was a good motivator for me to make better choices and to grow and to continue to reevaluate my relationship with alcohol.

[Hannah Massey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read the entire book in just a couple hours. So relatable in every way. Good read for anyone who has ever even thought about how alcohol has impacted their relationships and/or sex life. Absolutely loved the chapters on “dating yourself” and emotional sobriety. Before we can be in healthy relationships, we have to work on ourselves first 🫶🏻

[Keegan Herring · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a great resource for those who are curious about sobriety. Tawny does a great job sharing her wisdom and humor about the intersections of relationships and sobriety. There are so many great quotes that I pulled from her book that I will use in my personal life and with my clients. She gives tangible resources and ideas for navigating dating/relationships while sober. I’m so proud of you, Tawny!

[Nicholas Mechak · Rating 5 out of 5]

Super fun to read! Tawny approaches the topic of dating sans drinking. I think there's a lot there other than just what the title says. It's a book that's also about intimacy, empathy, and communication, so if you're a guy and would prefer to be a gentleman who wants to please your partner and not a caveman "Chad" this is a great read. This review is from an advanced copy of the book.

[Katie Mack · Rating 5 out of 5]

I believed in my core that I couldn't date without alcohol. So much so that I literally chose to relapse (one of many) on a first date. That relationship didn't workout (duh) and neither did my relationship with alcohol (thank god) so as a queer sober human I LOVE this book.

Lara starts the book with the bold suggestion that you already hold everything you need to face sober dating aka "intrinsic courage" and goes on to slowly and kindly show you where to discover this courage. Lara, acting like the best friend who went first, pulls apart the myth that alcohol makes sex better, provides some other options to explore (herbal aphrodisiacs!), and gives us much needed tools and language for aftercare and communication with sexual partners and yourself.

Some of my favorite parts in the book are the Check-Ins, where you can pause to reflect on your journey. Your reasons for looking at your relationship with alcohol are personal, and this books allows it to be a true one-on-one with yourself.

Finally Tawny dives into the topic of love, being in relationships, and also completing relationships (a break up)- all without booze. The fact that a book about dating talks about relationships ending and how to recover proves that we have an author who's biggest interest is in the readers journey with self, not some heteronormative happy ending.

I got an advanced copy of this book, but younger me wishes it had come 5 years earlier.

Drinking on dates is so 2019, so having a few easy to remember tips on the 'how tos' of sober dating is really the bridge we've been waiting for to upgrade love for the future.

[Jor-El Caraballo · Rating 5 out of 5]

Tawny Lara’s book Dry Humping: A Guide to Dating, Relating, and Hooking Up Without the Booze is an informative, relatable read about living an alcohol free life.

This book happened to be my last read of 2023 and as we head into the new year (potentially dry January) for some of you, I can’t recommend this book enough.

One of my favorite parts about becoming a writer myself is building a broader community with deep thinkers and healers. Tawny certainly fits the bill as she explores relationships and sex without alcohol in Dry Humping.

ALSO, this book is judgement free, solidly researched and positioned to be a helpful resource for a lot of people. It includes solid information, questions for self-reflection and interviews with experts - all packaged in a digestible, queer inclusive package.

If you’re sober curious or exploring your relationship with alcohol and dating this book is a great resource. I know that I’ll definitely be recommending it to folks who want extra support in exploring the ideas in this book.

[Lisa Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

Whether you are sober (like me) or sober-curious, this book is essential! I was fortunate enough to receive an advance copy, but I wish it had been available when I first got sober. Reading it feels like sitting on a couch and chatting with a friend who’s been through all the tricky feelings and situations that we face when we explore romance of any kind without alcohol. Incredibly empowering, this book a must for not just those into quit-lit, but anyone interested in deepening their awareness of themselves and what makes them happy.

[Orsayor · Rating 4 out of 5]

Author Tawny Lara offers a fun and non-judgmental guide to having better sex, dates, and relationships without relying on alcohol. The book provides practical tools such as alcohol-free date ideas, conversation scripts, expert interviews, and thought-provoking prompts.

Lara emphasizes that a fulfilling dating life doesn't require alcohol and empowers readers to step away from it while still having fun in and out of the bedroom. Dry Humping is an engaging read that inspires and equips readers to forge meaningful connections without alcohol.

[Trudee Wiltshire · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ok maybe I’m a little embarassed to be reading/reviewing this one, but it’s hard to date in a world where alcohol is the main event around so much of relationships, intimacy, etc.

I’ve read a ton of quit lit but never one like this that is more specific to a going through a certain part of life without alcohol. There are sections for single people and sections for people on relationships with/without alcohol present so really anyone on a sobercurious journey could benefit. I also appreciate that the author includes lgbtqia+ perspectives! And cmon we gotta love the title!

[Irina Gonzalez · Rating 5 out of 5]

What an AMAZING book!! I've been sober since July 2015—and I so, so, so wish I had this book back then, when I was broken and just not sure what to do next as a single almost-30-year-old woman living in a major US city. An absolute MUST-have for anyone who's sober curious, sober, in recovery, or exploring mindful drinking. Or, honestly, for anyone who's tired of the same old "let's get a drink" first dates.

What surprised me about Dry Humping: A Guide to Dating, Relating, and Hooking Up Without the Booze was actually that it had a ton of information that isn't related to being single and dating or in new relationships. This book is so much more than just dating and hooking up—the "relating" part shines as author Tawny Lara walks the reader through the many stages of a relationship with yourself, your partner, and the world in general. And for those who aren't so sure, here's something even better: Dry Humping is *filled* with expert insight and real-life stories. Ever feel like it's annoying when you're reading an advice book and it's just the author blabbing on? Yeah, me too. In this one, though, not only is Tawny's voice insightful and relatable—but she's clear that while she's "The Sober Sexpert," she didn't gain all her knowledge alone.

If you're NOT single anymore (like me), I highly recommend you check out these chapters:
- Chapter 1: Dating Yourself
- Chapter 4: Emotional Intimacy Without Alcohol
- Chapter 7: Booze-Free Aphrodisiacs
- Chapter 8: Sexual Liberation Without Booze
- Chapter 9: Handling Trauma and PTSD
- Chapter 10: Conscious Coupling
- Chapter 11: Developing Clear Communication and Booze-Free Arguing (PRINT THIS ENTIRE CHAPTER SO YOU CAN PASTE IT ALL OVER THE HOUSE AS A REMINDER EVERY DAY... Wait, is that just me?!)
- Chapter 13: Building a Mindfully Courageous Love Life

Honestly, even the chapters that seem more for singles—Chapter 2: Getting Out There & Chapter 3: Dating Outside the Box (and Outside the Bar)—had a lot for me. Especially chapter 3, which is giving me some great date ideas for my sober husband and myself! Chapter 5: How to Date Someone Who Drinks also has a lot of great info for those in a sober/drinker relationship. Kind of like being in an introvert/extrovert relationship, really.

And Chapter 6: Biochemistry, Booze, and Bodies just has GREAT info for anyone who is interested in just learning about alcohol and its effects on the human body. And, ahem, libido.... Chapter 12: Surviving a Breakup Without Booze is also very necessary, though I hope to never need it again! (wink wink) Definitely wish I had read this chapter before ending up in rehab, though.

All in all, I loved the way that Tawny takes your hand and gently walks us through the always confusing world of dating and being in a relationship, which is made even MORE confusing when you don't drink in a culture where "let's get a drink" is a go-to. Oh, and after devouring this book, I discovered that Tawny has a newsletter all about dating without liquid courage!!! Definitely sign up if you love this book and want more: https://tawnylara.substack.com/

[Maria · Rating 3 out of 5]

I listened to this book on audiobook so it felt like a nice, long podcast (at less than 5 hrs) but might be useful to have it in print for some as its alot of advice and some might want to take notes on that advice or have it somewhere they can physically go back to for any future reference. I dont think I could have read it as at times it can be a little too self help and those books bored me so listening was good for me.

Ive been reading a lot of quit lit during my sobriety and when I first heard of this book I was very intrigued as this area of sobriety is often not talked about in the main stream books or gets a chapter or so of quick mention. What I also really appreciated about this book was the diverse voices Tawny brought in from race, sexuality, different types of relationships. These voices also seem to lack in mainstream quit lit so it was a nice change to have other anecdotes and experiences.

this book is good for really anyone- whether you have stopped drinking, are figuring out your drinking, or can still drink 'normally'. I think its a good starter book for anyone to rethink how prevalent drinking is in the dating/relationship scene and the effects of that, how to navigate it and how to be ok with not drinking when meeting someone new. some of her tips and advices are very common sense so its def a tip on the iceberg book that doesnt go too indepth but gives good enough info that makes you want to dig deeper on this topic. this isnt a magnum opus but this book felt like it did add another layer to the quit lit books as it emphasizes a very critical topic. I'll def look into the many books she recommended at the end andI will most likely buy this book to have it physical and to reference it when needed.

[Tracey Stubbs · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you don’t think this title applies to you, read it anyway. Judge it by its cover; bright, humorous, and contemporary. You won’t be disappointed.
Strict parents, a career where drug and alcohol testing were routine, and a decade of graduate school limited my partying to one or two wine coolers on the weekend (Boomer here!) I never tasted a decent bottle of wine until my 40’s. Then came the failure of a marriage and long-term elder care, managing stress and disappointment with alcohol.
I am not sober, but sober curious and mindful of booze’s slippery slope during challenging times. I was given an advance copy of Dry Humping. I quickly realized it did apply to me. It was like taking a long, relaxing walk with a friend. Tawny writes from experience and thorough research offering options for finding and sustaining relationships (with yourself and others) without alcohol.
This is not a “shame on you for drinking book.” It is a “yeah, I get it book” with wonderful interviews, stories, and tips for relationships at any age.

Alcohol has a significant impact on our culture. Tawny’s book is helpfully structured, can be read in one sitting or as needed for contemplation and practice, and is full of reminders there are alternatives to leaning on alcohol. Sobriety is becoming the “cool norm” thanks to writers like Tawny Lara, and this is a great guidebook.

[Emma · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a social drinker who enjoys the occasional cocktail but has always been fascinated with society's widespread obsession with alcohol, 'Dry Humping' felt like chatting with an old friend about what might have led us here. Tawny's voice is candid yet whimsical, knowledgeable yet humble. I was lucky enough to read an advance copy of this book, and am so glad I did. Reading about sobriety through the eyes of someone who has experienced it firsthand (and still actively lives it) is illuminating; 'Dry Humping' reads part manual, part fireside chat with a bestie. I appreciated the relatable approach to a very serious topic, how sobriety is broken down through the intimate journey of the authors' experience, and not as a one-size-fits-all manual. 'Dry Humping" is not only about sobriety but personal redemption and acceptance; Tawny's effusive pop-culture references, wry humor, and sharp self-awareness make it clear she is someone who has put in the work to understand herself more, and truly wants the same for the reader.

[Paulina Pinsky · Rating 5 out of 5]

No matter your relationship to alcohol, this is a stellar dating guide. Of course, the best way to make use this guide is to be willing to negotiate your relationship to alcohol- but you do not have to be completely sober to benefit from reading this book.

Tawny Lara does a brilliant job of integrating personal experience, practical advice, and expert opinions to create a comprehensive guide to dating. The journey begins with you- dating yourself first, you realize what you like and don't like. As Lara writes, alcohol numbs everything. So putting down the drink grants us the chance to figure out what we do and don't like. Only then can we go on dates and really get a sense for what is right or wrong for us.

Put down the booze to find out that you didn't need the liquid courage after all-- that, after a break from the stuff, you realize how much better relationships can be because of it.

LOVED THIS BOOK! EVERYONE READ IT!

[Mackenzie Curran · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Dry Humping” is an absolute must-read, whether you’re sober or not. I was lucky enough to be able to read an advanced copy of this book, and as an occasional/social drinker, I found myself astounded with how much I didn’t know about the overlap of drinking and intimacy. Tawny Lara's approach to sober dating and relationships is refreshingly judgment-free and informative, providing readers with practical advice and helpful exercises for navigating the dating game without relying on liquid courage. Whether you’re sober, looking to cut back on your drinking, or just wanting to build stronger connections and relationships without the crutch of alcohol, “Dry Humping” will provide you with the tools you need to feel more confident, comfortable, and fulfilled in your dating and sexual experiences. Highly recommended!

[The Sober Curator · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Dry Humping: A Guide to Dating, Relating, and Hooking Up Without the Booze" by Tawny Lara is a must-read for those seeking practical advice and guidance on the joys of sober sex. Fans of Lara's work and new readers will appreciate the real-life stories and straightforward advice throughout this book. It offers a frank, honest, and enjoyable look at all aspects of sober sex, making it an essential read for anyone looking to explore their sexuality without fear or judgment. Her short descriptions of phrases commonly used in recovery/sober communities, in addition to helpful lists of tips for navigating a love and sex life sober, apply to anyone in any stage or length of time of their recovery.

[Morgan Mandriota · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you’re reading this review, you probably already know that navigating sex, relationships, and sobriety can feel like a damn minefield. We’ve been missing a resource that has all the things you might Google in one educational, entertaining, and empowering place … but not anymore! Tawny Lara really is THE Sober Sexpert, and Dry Humping proves it. From self-love to breakups and everything in between, this guide covers *all* the tips and tools we need to have more fulfilling, authentic, and pleasurable experiences. My neurodivergent brain hates books but I had a hard time putting this one down. Although I’m grateful to have scored an advanced copy of Dry Humping, my only gripe is now I’m stuck waiting to get my hands on the hard copy so I can display it on my bookshelf.

[Red Bomber · Rating 3 out of 5]

I picked up this book in hopes that it would help me deal with the FOMO I get when people talk about their good and bad experiences with alcohol. It in fact did not help and arguably made my FOMO worse while I was reading it. To give credit however I do believe that someone who does want to sober up will get more out of this book than I did , and I think that alone makes the book worth it. There were some things here and there that did resonate with me and gave me some things to think about. Those things being in the department of self love, appreciation, and acceptance, so I will by no means write it off.

[Tim Heller · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you're sober, sober curious, single, married, polyamorous, straight, queer, wherever you lay on any of these spectrums, this book is worth the read. As a sober person who, like Tawny, did not get sober through a 12 step program (but fully support those who do!) this book was a breath of fresh air. She uses her unique perspective and voice to share personal stories and those of friends to make sobriety, and even sober tourism, more accessible and colloquial than other books about it out there. A great read from an even greater human being!

[Freda Love Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read an advance copy of this book and absolutely loved it. I'm a fan of Tawny's podcast with Lisa Smith, Recovery Rocks, and I found the same intelligent, open-minded, funny, and conversational voice in Dry Humping. My favorite thing about this book is how expansive and inclusive it is, offering practical advice to the totally sober and the sober curious, and addressing those who are casually dating as well as folks in long-term relationships. Dry Humping is entertaining, inspiring, practical, and truly helpful.

[Crysta Grady · Rating 5 out of 5]

I truly believe growing up in the “purity culture” environment that I did and being someone who desperately believed I needed liquid courage to date, and have sex have gone hand in hand. Tawny reminds me that I do not need alcohol to have a great dating and sex life! This book was so easy to read and digest. I truly felt understood and seen. And not alone in this fight! Highly recommend! Alcoholic or not; this book is loaded with amazing advice, cool tips, and a perspective I have never even thought of. Thank you, Tawny!!!

[Jacob Lopez · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m grateful to have read an advanced copy of Dry Humping and loved every minute of it. Even as a non-sober, queer man, I found this book to be incredibly relatable and easy to digest.

The suggestions for dates and building conversations around the boundaries of sober folks are very helpful and downright, fun! I am totally using these tools in navigating my relationship with my partner, also non-sober, as the callouts are relevant in any type of relationship.

[Veronica Musquiz · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was lucky enough to receive an advanced copy of this book. I think I cried reading just the intro. This book isn’t just for sober or sober curious people. The topics discussed in Tawny’s book are relatable to this married, social drinker. I think I learned so much in regards to navigating disagreements and talking to my partner about my needs. I’m so honored to know Tawny, and it’s beautiful to see her journey out there to potentially guide so many other lives.

[Barb · Rating 4 out of 5]

In her late 20’s the author revisits her relationships involving alcohol. She is concerned about no liquid courage for dating, sex, and romance. She suggests reconnecting with who you are. There are a lot of tips on getting along without alcohol and how to feel good about who you are. She shares what alcohol does to body and mind and suggests setting realistic goals. Share your feelings and be honest with your partner. The tips shared are for anyone, not just those who wish to not drink.

[Ali Kriegsman · Rating 5 out of 5]

Have been dipping in and out of the book as I enter the dating scene and am trying to do more sober hands. A really eye opening look at how to do It without guilt, set the right boundaries and have fun along the way. Recommend to any single folks who want to connect without the booze and feel empowered in doing so

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

An absolutely fantastic must have read! I was honored to receive an advanced copy of this book, and it did not disappoint! A great read for any age or walk of life! Something in it for everyone! Tawny has incredible knowledge on this topic, and it shows on every page! A must have for your bookshelf!