Nowhere to Run: The Ridiculous Life of a Semi-Professional Football Club Chairman

by Jonathan Sayer

On the second oldest football pitch in the world, Jonathan Sayer stands atop a beer crate to address the assembled fans of Ashton United FC. As his initial optimism begins to slip through his fingers, the new co-chairman and co-owner (alongside his dad) starts to realise the scale of the challenge ahead.

Battling to keep the club afloat, a record number of games without a win sees hope turn to despair as Jonathan contends with a mutiny from a group of octogenarian supporters, constant battles with the local council and a star striker who arrives on crutches despite somehow passing his medical.

As the on-pitch form continues to deteriorate and rifts appear between him and his father, Jonathan begins to make some increasingly desperate decisions: dressing as a seven-foot robin in the local market in an effort to drum up larger crowds, sinking his savings into an ever spiralling wage bill and even contemplating bringing in a local priest to lift the 'Boxing Day Curse' by performing a late-night exorcism on the pitch.

Chronicling the euphoric highs and bitter disappointments of the less glamourous side of the beautiful game, Nowhere to Run is the hilarious, heart-warming tale of life in the hot seat of a non-league football club.

Genres: Football, Sports, Nonfiction, Soccer

288 pages, Hardcover

Published May 18, 2023

Reviews

[Arthur · Rating 2 out of 5]

The main issue I had here was from the offset the author admits to sprinkling the book with fiction or embellishing stories for entertainment. This really took the shine off for me as I then didn't know which parts were accurate and which were not.

[Gareth Evans · Rating 3 out of 5]

It’s an entertaining quick read. Partially let down by the statement that some of the content is fictionalised for comic effect. Consequently the reader doesn’t know what’s true and what isn’t and whilst it’s a gently amusing book, it’s not laugh out loud funny. Whilst the book does praise the commitment of volunteers, it also seems to make them a little weird. Strangely the book seems to have been written by an outsider rather than someone intimately connected with the club. Nevertheless it’s a amusing short read and made better for this reader as I have seen a number of the players play.

[Stephen · Rating 4 out of 5]

enjoyed this a look at the author's takeover as co-chairman of a non league team Ashton United and the ups and down of taking over, funny in parts but the reality of running a club too, based just before Covid took over.

[DAVID · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great insight into football club ownership in the lower leagues, some great stories especially the cup final versus Hyde. As a football fan you can really feel and understand the emotions that the author describes as they take you through a blow by blow of the game. Brilliant.

[Martin Smith · Rating 2 out of 5]

I’m a very lapsed football fan but a very big fan of Mischief, which is what drew me to Nowhere To Run. I’m not entirely sure what I was expecting of it - a non-league (well *more* non-league) Welcome To Wrexham? - but it doesn’t really work for me.

It is quite funny in places, but those places do feel obviously exaggerated for comedic effect as the foreword admits. For the most part though, the book is about the football itself and unfortunately all the writing about football just reads like pretty much all other writing about football. While it never reaches Five Live phone-in levels, there’s a lot of stolid cliches but no novelty that I’d hoped would draw me into the sport. I was passingly interested in the travails of Ashton rather than ever invested.

The big problem the book has is Covid. It’s clear that the original intention was for the book to just cover the first season of the Sayers’ tenure, probably arriving at the same philosophical conclusion the book ended up with. But as soon as the date of that season is given as 2019/20, Covid looms large like the sword of Damocles. Not only did it disrupt football, it disrupts the already slightly wonky pacing of the book. Of course there’s not anything Sayer can do about Covid, obviously, but everything from that point on through a few years is rushed through in order to just get to a better end point per original outline.

I appreciate that a lot of why this didn’t work for me is down to my largely evaporated interest in football, but I’d hoped Sayer’s supposed outsider perspective on a tier of football I know nothing about would give me a new appreciation for the sport. But it didn’t, it just reminded me of why I find most writing about football tedious, while throwing in a few laughs. Probably would have been better off turned into full on fiction.

[James · Rating 4 out of 5]

An entertaining read about the life of a (co) chairman in non league football. There are plenty of anecdotes which you can picture happening very clearly! Good luck for the future AUFC.

[Tyrone Atkins · Rating 4 out of 5]

Imagine it. You have the means to become co-owner/co-chairman of your hometown non-league football club along with your dad. It is the ultimate in bonding a town, your family and the community through ups and downs of sporting success. How exciting! Well, no and you'll understand this should you read Nowhere to Run (2023), playwright and screenwriter Jonathan Sayer's book of how he and his father's well-meaning venture to restore glory to Ashton United, a semi-pro team languishing in the 7th tier of English football, runs into immediate peril. A demoralised team, escalating costs, an internet smear campaign, tensions with his father, league bureaucracy and lots and lots of bad luck are just some of the immediate obstacles he encounters - and that's not even looking at the results. Sayer is a talented writer and states from the start that although the story is true, he has taken some creative liberties for comedic effect. His gamble pays off as there are some riotously funny moments and, as we share in his stresses, they are needed, I have little doubt that this story could have had an altogether darker tone but Sayer is a man of his community and what is football if it isn't about bringing joy and respite to our otherwise burdened lives? I enjoyed this and will certainly travel to Ashton to catch a game soon. Grassroots forever!

[JohnMichael · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ll be honest: aside from playing briefly as a child (and not very well), all I know about football comes from watching Ted Lasso. However, being a fan of Jonathan’s other work, I knew this was a must-read.

I didn’t realize I could become anxious and a little stressed *reading* about football matches, rooting for a team I’ve only ever seen on Twitter—but man, did I root for them! Jonathan gives an in-depth, honest look at what really goes on behind the scenes to make football matches happen with clubs, and when one works closely with their parent in high-stress circumstances. I appreciated the candor, knowing it can’t have been easy to write about at times. Seeing an Ashton match live is now on my bucket list. I already have my kit—I just need the scarf!

The book has humor, tension, and a whole lot of heart. Definitely read the book, and also follow Ashton United’s Twitter account, @AshtonUnitedFC.

[Brian Haining · Rating 3 out of 5]

I follow a local non-league side, which piqued my interest to read this book.

I enjoyed the ups and downs of the authors tenure as club chairman and owner and his description of all the 'odd ball' characters that make up the running of the club from supporters to volunteers.

I was slightly perturbed when the introduction indicated that some things had been added for comedic effect, but on reading realised that the book was written in a light-hearted manner, which was fine.

It is an easy and enjoyable read, and I wish the author and his club, Ashton United great success in the future

[Eddie Hillion · Rating 4 out of 5]

As others have commented, not sure what bits were 'added for affect' but taking the read as it is. Just can't believe the Father and Son even thought about getting involved as they did with absolutely no knowledge of running a football club. Jonathan didn't really seem to have a clue how to 'talk a game of football' let alone run a Club! 😂
However he stuck at it, not sure quite how much money he and his Dad 'sunk' in to the club? 🤔
Being a fan and follower of Non League Football I enjoyed this fairly quick read and realised how much I had forgotten what an affect Covid had on us all! 🫣

[Taylor Mitchell · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a good book to easily zip through and give insights of what it’s like to run a non league club, especially with how many conversations and documentaries there have been about clubs like wrexham or the like, it’s great to have a space to hear from non league and how difficult it is to upkeep the club. Living in Manchester this felt close to home a bit too and just knowing how much football and community matters to this area, it’s nice to have that captured in a local non league club.

[James Sundquist · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every football fan should read this to realise what running, and following, a club really means - several leagues below even Welcome to Wrexham levels and without the resources of Hollywood stars or oil sheiks. The highs and lows, the sublime and the ridiculous, are all there (more of the latter), and the characters really stand out as well. A rapid rollercoaster of a read, but very rewarding.

[Chris · Rating 5 out of 5]

Perfectly captures everything I love about non league football but from the unique perspective of the chairboy. I can smell the pie, chips, peas, mint sauce, Bovril, mud, stale beer, sweat, goalie gloves and urinals with each line. A book that captures the raw, unpredictable and intimate side of the game perfectly.

[Grace Jack · Rating 3 out of 5]

I’m not into football at all but found this memoir enjoyable anyway, although I agree with other reviewers that the fact some parts were fabricated or exaggerated for comic effect detracts from it somehow. If all these hilarious things really happened, then by all means write a funny book, but seeing as they didn’t, perhaps a more ‘serious’ or self-reflective slant would have been better.

[David · Rating 3 out of 5]

Readable but even as a big football fan myself I found reading through the endless match reports a bit boring. I was expecting a more in depth examination of non league football. The volunteers, characters and passion of those involved is what makes football at this level unique and I thought there was a missed opportunity in not exploring this aspect of the story to a greater extent.

[Henry Stacey · Rating 3 out of 5]

Bit silly at times but a good book. Issue is that he says at the start that some of the stories are exaggerated- which to me seems a silly thing to do and kinda kills it a bit. If he loved non league football as much as he claims then he wouldn’t feel the need to do this, and would instead give more authentic stories

[Chris Robertson · Rating 4 out of 5]

(PR) Zipped through this book ahead of release. Lovely, speedy look at the perils of football club ownership when all we see is Ryan Reynolds and Rob McElhenny. Raw and honest - while be intensely funny.

[Christopher Prew · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great read & fascinating account into what goes on to keep a non-league football club going. Wonder which bits were exaggerated for comic effect.Will keep an eye out for Ashton United now and maybe pop to a game soon, seeing as their home ground is less than an hour away.

[Chris Charles · Rating 3 out of 5]

Felt a bit over exaggerated in a lot of places, taking out any real insight to running a non-league club. This is much more of a focus on the comedy which it does do well in fairness, just more so than expected

[Mancman · Rating 4 out of 5]

Eye opening in terms of understanding the realities of non league football.
I did find the tone slightly jarring in places, but shrugged it off. The enthusiasm is infectious, the cast of characters interesting, and the self doubt palpable.

[Charles James · Rating 4 out of 5]

An enjoyable tale of the highs and low of running an amateur football team in the lower English leagues . As you expected form a comedy playwright the book is very funny and focuses on the quirky personalities and problems faced . Well worth a read .

[Jeffrey H. Widom · Rating 4 out of 5]

Entertaining. Fun read.

[Jordan · Rating 5 out of 5]

A wonderful insight into the running of a non-league club. Had me chuckling most of the way through, with a few touching moments as Jonathan talks about his family's long ties with Ashton United

[Luke Robison · Rating 1 out of 5]

Not for me. Way too much low quality match reports and could tell the characters were all blended

[John Lamb · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great insight to non-league football and being a chairman. A stressful read that no doubt mirrors what it is like to be the chairman of any club and why most people would not want to do it!

[Simon Burdus · Rating 4 out of 5]

It’s a fun easy read. Would have like a bit more detail but you get the gist of the stress and pressures of owning a nonleague football club.

[Daniel Jacobs · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really enjoyed this, an interesting insight into non league football
Wouldn't have minded it being a bit longer to be honest

[Kay Townsend · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a brilliant book. Loved it. Bought it because my dad was a fan of this club, went to every match home and away but has sadly passed now. Thoroughly enjoyed reading it.

[Gareth Davies · Rating 2 out of 5]

The problem with this book was the author started off by saying some of it was made up. Meant you never knew whether what you were reading was true or not.

[Jane Stewart · Rating 3 out of 5]

Fun read. Tough job running a semi-professional club. I would be interested to know just how many times he had to put his hand into his own pocket.