Decodependence: A Romantic Tragicomic

by Lila Ash

Author and New Yorker cartoonist Lila Ash's vulnerable and funny graphic memoir about her attempts to decode her life's relationships through the lens of her recovering codependency.

Through her skillful, charming illustrations and a voice that is sardonic, vulnerable, and completely relatable, Lila Ash shares the all-too-well-known moments that she's experienced navigating the world of family, love, and sex through the lens of codependency.

In her late twenties, Ash found herself reliving the relationship traumas of her past. She'd tried everything to help herself move on from painful memories, from therapy to drugs and more, before entering Codependents Anonymous (CoDA), where she discovered the characteristics of codependency—and checked off every box. Ash began drawing her way through her experiences, allowing herself to recognize the codependent behaviors that ruled her life.

Through unflinchingly honest (and sometimes sad or harrowing) stories, a wry sense of humor, and illustrations that masterfully set the book's tone, Decodependence: A Romantic Tragicomic will resonate with readers who are looking to better understand their own potential codependent relationship behaviors, followers of Ash's popular Instagram account, or fans of graphic novelists and cartoonists like Liana Finck, Aline Crumb, Emily Flake, Katy Fishell, Malaka Gharib, and Olivia de Recat.

Genres: Graphic Novels, Memoir, Comics, Nonfiction, Mental Health, Adult, Graphic Novels Comics

160 pages, Paperback

Published October 17, 2023

Reviews

[Christina Close · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received a copy of this book from NetGalley for an honest review.

The 4 star rating is for overall.
Storyline is a 4 star as well.
Graphics is a 2 star though.

This book was a little of a let down but it was still good. I enjoyed the story it told about being codependent on other people and wanting to try to change so that you don't depend on others so much.

But, on the other hand the graphics were not my style at all. Some were a little too strange and some just didn't make sense to me for the placement of the picture.

[K.C. Norton · Rating 3 out of 5]

It's hard to assign a rating to the story of someone's life, and I always feel a little bad when someone's story falls flat for me. So to be very clear, I'm rating this based how I felt about the topics Ash addresses are handled.

What I liked: The way she talks about boundaries, about mental health, about how women and girls are told that their value lies in their sexiness and youth, and then are shamed for those things. This whole book is really open and honest about that, and I have been (emotionally speaking) many of the places she describes, and I don't see that a lot in media, so I appreciated her candid portrayal of codependence.

What didn't work for me: The end of the book left me feeling like she hadn't fully processed everything that she's writing about, almost as if she's writing from inside the experience. I understand the value of that as a creator, but it almost feels like she's trying to give life advice on something that she's still in the midst of. Memoirs that do this always leave me feeling a little iffy, so this might just be a personal thing. Obviously there's value in talking about the experience and acknowledging how it feels in the moment, but as a reader it feels like I'm sitting in on a therapy session that I can't contribute to. Maybe this is a philosophical question about the purpose of writing memoir, I don't know... but I walked away from this feeling a bit unsure about who this book is meant for. Yes, it portrays codependence well, but I'm not sure how far through the 'de' part this memoir takes us.

Thank you to NetGalley for giving me a chance to read this memoir-in-comics.

[Alex Vereb · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you for sharing your story. It was a relief to read as someone who also has codependency issues.

[Sydney · Rating 3 out of 5]

Co-dependence is not a diagnosis. It's kind of vague terminology in that a lot people identify with it, but have varied relationship histories and experiences. I have mixed feelings about people in the mental health field using the term. But this is a person identifying with it and exploring how she relates and how it relates to her getting healthier mentally and emotionally. It's honest and thoughtful and I will definitely recommend it to clients who might find aspects of their own experience reflected in it. I felt that at times it was a little dry/I didn't feel super connected to the characters. I wish that the author had explored more of the dynamics at work interpersonally and socially that made these relationships unhealthy and talked more about some green flags for healthier dynamics. It was a quick read. I think it would help a person going through that feel less shame and identify the signs that they should seek support.

[aftellemath · Rating 5 out of 5]

oh shit now i have to rethink parts of my life

[Jellie · Rating 4 out of 5]

CW/TW: Underage Drug usage, underage alcohol abuse, underage sexual situations

Decodependence: A Romantic Tragicomic, a graphic novel by Lila Ash, is a memoir that is nothing short of vulnerable with a bite of humor on the side. Ash does an incredible job laying out the reflections of past relationships and navigating her recovery of codependency.

Artwork:
As this is a graphic novel, I do want to comment on the art. Lila Ash’s artwork is personally not the type that I would purchase and hang up in my home. However, from a graphic novel standpoint, specifically for this story, it worked for me. The clean lines of the artwork gave way to allow for gritty details and frames that evoked the memory flashes of the author’s story.

Font:
This is where the book loses me. I hope that because it was an ARC it was not the final for publication. The font chosen for the layout was crunched and overall did not fit with the vibe of the story and looked better suited for a corporate job PowerPoint.

My Thoughts:

Whew! This one was quite difficult to read. Mostly because of how relatable some of those exact scenes were. They made me feel uncomfortable, brought up memories I purposefully stored away. And in that aspect, I give incredible kudos to the author for sharing this part of their life with the world. They bring up the earliest stages of where the codependency was influenced from their childhood through their present state.

While the book description touts this as a story of recovery, I do believe that the story ends almost at the beginning of the end of recovery for our storyteller. I am not sure if this was the author’s intent, I can only assume it was as anyone who goes through recovery, therapy, etc knows that the journey never ends. You are constantly working on yourself which is an aspect and reality I greatly appreciated from this story.

Depending on how you see it, the book does not tie in a pretty bow because it is not fiction, this is a memoir of real life and if there’s something to take away from this book is that if you found it relatable, hopefully it made you feel less alone. ❤️

**Thank you to Netgalley & Chronicle Books for an ARC of this book.

[Courtney]

I had the pleasure of delving into the graphic memoir Decodependence: A Romantic Tragicomic by Lila Ash, and it's a vulnerable yet humorous journey through the lens of recovering codependency. Ash skillfully combines charming illustrations and a sardonic yet relatable voice to explore her experiences with family, love, and sex. In her late twenties, she found herself trapped in the traumas of her past relationships, trying everything from therapy to drugs before discovering Codependents Anonymous (CoDA), where she realized she ticked off every box for codependency. As she draws her way through her experiences, she fearlessly confronts the codependent behaviors that have shaped her life.

This memoir is an open and honest portrayal of codependence, addressing mental health and boundaries with grace. However, as I journeyed through the pages, I found myself pondering the book's intended audience. While the raw and in-the-moment storytelling adds authenticity, it also leaves me wondering if the author is still processing their experiences. Nevertheless, Decodependence is a compelling read that sheds light on codependent relationship behaviors, making it an excellent choice for those seeking understanding in their own lives. Whether you're a fan of graphic novelists or interested in mental health narratives, this memoir promises to leave a lasting impression.

[Nikki Romig · Rating 5 out of 5]

WOW. This book hit home HARD.

I found this book on a whim because I was working on a book challenge that called for a comic or graphic novel. So, I looked through NetGalley to see what was out there, and when I saw this, it peeked my interest, and it was READ NOW so I decided to give it a go.

I was NOT expecting to feel so called out by the time I was done with it. LOL

Something you need to know about me: I'm pretty much a therapist's dream. There's something to be said about someone who is SO self-aware of all their short-comings (codependent, ADHD, anxious/depressed), and not being able to do anything about it. And all those terrible relationships I was in (I use the term relationship very loosely) were just me looking for something to latch onto to get away from something else (usually my parents).

I AM happy to report that I'm in a relatively healthy relationship now - we still have our days where my short-comings get the better of me!

[claudesbookcase · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received a free copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.
Y'all I have been in my graphic novel memoir era. This one was certainly darker than my past reads (drug and alcohol abuse, toxic and abusive relationships, pedophilia) but I thought the author, Lila Ash, handled it all well as she explored various aspects of codependency. I feel uncomfortable judging memoirs, especially about such a personal material, the same way I do for novels, but I will say I did enjoy this despite it being heavier than my usual reads. I liked the art style and the way the book was in sections based on things codependents struggle with, I would not recommend this to just anyone, as it could be quite triggering, but for someone looking for a read focusing on mental illness and coming out the other side, I would say check it out!
3.5 stars

[James DeSantis · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was pretty funny at points, little sad at others, but my main gripe with this book is how it was presented as a review copy. A double spread for every page, making it where had to zoom in each time to read a page, made it very difficult to read. On top of it having a copyright note every single page. Probably not the best idea when trying to have someone read and enjoy the book.

But it is pretty solid storytelling. Very newspaper design for the storytelling but a deeper, a lot more sexual, than that of course. I believe this might be about the author's life, and like any person, we depending on people. She might a bit too much at points, but that's the point of the entire book. Sure plenty can relate.

A 3 out of 5. Thank you Netgallery for a ARC for a fair review.

[Niche · Rating 1 out of 5]

A graphical memoir collecting stories of the author's brush with sexuality from summer camp hookups, her father's girlfriends, and her various relationships growing up. The common theme, reiterated throughout, is her craving for affirmation and linking sex with love.

The art's kind of flat, and given I find sex, romance, and relationship drama to be turnoffs, I didn't get much out of this. The recurrence of "I wanted affirmation and love, I used sex for it in one-sided relationships" made most of the recollections start to feel repetitive without any new insights. I suppose, it offers the opportunity to find a particular story that strikes home for those experienced with codependence, but it was a miss for me.

[MV Isip · Rating 5 out of 5]

codependency seemed like a pop psychology term that's being thrown around loosely, so was very curious to hear about it from firsthand experience (and an actual mental health perspective too!)

enjoyed this a lot, very eye-opening.

especially love the art and how it often circles back: the chapter icons, the moving truck running gag, cover art itself... something something falling into patterns?!

not to mention the little details that makes each panel come alive. found myself squinting just to identify the posters on the wall.

while i do find the ending a bit lacking story-wise, i honestly love how truthful it is. of course it's not tied up real nicely; of course it's gonna take a while.

5/5 finally a good graphic memoir!

[Ashley · Rating 5 out of 5]

I didn't even know there was such thing as a graphic novel for adults. ya know one that was about real things, not superheros. I loved this.
The title got my attention. I'm discovering my own battle with Codependency. It's a giant slap in the face.
Lila's honesty and vulnerability is refreshing. I read this book twice and enjoyed it both times.
I could relate to more stories than I want to admit, kinda blew my mind. So thanks Lila for putting salt on my wounds then comforting me in the knowledge that I'm not alone. I hope to see more like this by you.
Definitely not for everyone but if it calls your soul maybe there is something inside for you to benefit from seeing/reading.
the whole book is well done if you ask me! I'm impressed.

[Nat · Rating 5 out of 5]

This author opened up some of the most vulnerable parts of their life by writing a book about their mental health struggles. The vulnerability was very appreciated, and the story flowed well. Although the book did not have a HEA in the sense of "Yay, I'm cured," the book did end with a feeling of hope. The ending was more about the progress they've made with their mental health and where they hope to continue making progress in the future. That helps the reader root for the author and hope that the author continues making progress.

[Markie · Rating 3 out of 5]

The author rates the memoir based on how the topics were handled. They appreciate the open and honest portrayal of codependence and how mental health and boundaries were addressed. However, they felt that the end of the book left them unsure about who the book is meant for, as it seemed like the author was still in the midst of processing their experiences. The author acknowledges the value of discussing experiences in the moment but suggests that it may be a personal preference for them to feel unsure about the purpose of the memoir.

[Katie Mac · Rating 3 out of 5]

I received an eARC of this book from NetGalley and the publisher in exchange for an honest review.

It feels strange to give three stars to a memoir, but I came up with that because--despite the strong emotional threads to the story and outlining the importance of boundaries--the lackluster graphics brought down the story for me. I'm also not a fan of books in which the entire story reads like the protagonist's therapy session, so that also influenced me. (I did appreciate how much I learned about codependent relationships, though.)

[Maggie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I expected to relate to some elements of this memoir, but I was not prepared to be called out that much. I couldn't put it down. The attention to detail in the art helped propel the story and added elements of humor.

I enjoyed that the end was not fully resolved or a set of instructions on how to 'cure' yourself. Though it isn't a self-help book, I appreciated the snippets of advice and additional information/resources about codependence.

[Lizzy Denny · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lila Ash does a wonderful job in this book of sharing the trauma that she endured through various codependent relationships. So much of this book felt like a wake up call as well as a close friend validating so much of a typical lifestyle in our society. I would definitely recommend this book to anyone exploring healthier relationships in their lives and finding how to be their happiest and healthiest self.

[Gabriel Noel · Rating 3 out of 5]

ARC given by NetGalley for Honest Review

A heartfelt graphic memoir depiction Ash's struggle with mental health and codependancy. It was an honest and raw look into a topic that is not often discussed. While I found the art flat and lackluster, the story held my interest enough to enjoy my time reading. Ash is a talented storyteller and was able to tastefully execute humor and fun into an otherwise serious topic.

A solid read for anyone interested in that side of mental health.

[randi · Rating 4 out of 5]

*ARC PROVIDED BY NETGALLEY BUT ALL OPINIONS ARE MY OWN*
3.75
It was pretty interesting. The big watermark didn't really help but I understand why it was there. I liked the reoccurring motif of the cover image. It's not the most interesting thing that i've read which is why I'm only giving it 3.75 stars. I liked the artwork!

[Stefani Ashkinazy · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a read!

Ash’s vulnerability is commendable. Reading through decodependence, I found a little piece of myself on each page, making it impossible to not walk through the story with her. Though not ended with a pretty little bow, I appreciated the awareness that trauma will never end - but look how far you can go.

[Lisa Sunshine · Rating 5 out of 5]

If a picture is worth a thousand words then Lila Ash’s “Decodependence" is worth billions. Every page and panel explodes with imagery that pulls on nostalgic memories of youth, loss of innocence, and the crushing realization that the fairy tale is fake news. While her words are at times razor-sharp and humorous, it's Ash's endearing imagery that reflects a genuine empathy for her drawn self. Enjoy the "Where's Waldo"-like search in her panels that will surely bring a smile in the midst of emotional turmoil. The author sheds all inhibitions and exposes herself inside and out, which at moments may rattle buried hurts so many can relate to while offering up an opportunity for self-reflection. A must-read for anyone who identifies as codependent.

[Lauren · Rating 4 out of 5]

A memoir of a woman throwing herself into empty relationships, frantically trying to find someone who loves her as much as she wants to love them. Groveling for attention, attracting abusive and creepy men with her desperation, she eventually discovers her codependency, although readers don’t really see her fully recover from it.

[Matthias Hernandez · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book tells Lila’s story as she looks at her life experiences through the lens of codependent behaviors.
The events are told in a really honest way, and it’s easy for readers to relate.
But the ending is disappointing. Sending a message of hopelessness doesn’t feel right for people recovering from abusive relationships, who are probably looking for something more hopeful.

[i · Rating 2 out of 5]

I would actually feel bad to read a very personal story and give low review. However, despite of this being an okay one, I can't seem to handle the nudity or sex related topic in this book. It's hard to read through...

[Brandi · Rating 3 out of 5]

I received this book as an ARC via Netgalley in exchange for an honest review.

Lila Ash’s personal story of codependency is honest and raw.

The illustrations are creative and entertaining.

This book is full of dark emotions and a bit sad.

[Brian · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a pretty depressing graphic novel that somehow kept my interest. A woman talks about her life and her history of dating and some of the toxic relationships she's been in. The book is pretty sad but the story kept me engaged and I enjoyed her artwork as well.

[Brette C · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think there was a missed opportunity here to explore how the author’s diagnoses contributed to her relationship dynamics. Because, though she discusses red flags of her partners, she doesn’t discuss how she is vulnerable to these.

[Rebecca]

An interesting graphic memoir that delves in to explore how it is that some of the bad habits within modern day society are acquired and the thinking behind them and the journey to overcome them.

[Sinea · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautiful illustrations and refreshingly honest. Loved how codependent is explained with real life examples. The ending is realistic which I appreciate.