What Mothers Do Especially When It Looks Like Nothing

by Naomi Stadlen

Instead of preaching what mothers ought to do, psychotherapist Naomi Stadlen explains what mothers already do in the course of any exhausting day's work. Drawing from countless conversations with hundreds of mothers spanning more than a decade, What Mothers Do provides lucid insight into the true experience of motherhood and answers the perennial question common to mothers What have I done all day? Stadlen's wise reflections, threaded throughout with the voices of real mothers, explore unsentimental reactions to motherhood-resentment, guilt, splintered identity, crippling inefficiency, and deadening fatigue. Yet the overriding sentiment is one of empowerment and wonder, as Stadlen illustrates how seemingly insignificant skills such as responding to a baby's colicky cry, being instantly interruptible, or soothing an overstimulated child to sleep profoundly contribute to an individual's socialization, self-worth, and curiosity. Remarkably perceptive and heartening, What Mothers Do will resonate with mothers everywhere in search of understanding and wisdom.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Family, Unfinished, Childrens, Psychology, Womens

338 pages, Kindle Edition

First published August 25, 2005

Reviews

[Books Ring Mah Bell · Rating 3 out of 5]

I didn't learn a lot from this book... I'm in the trenches, so I "get it". Props to the author for spelling it out for those who think parenting means watching soaps and eating bon-bons while Jr plays quietly in the background.
Here's a summary of a day in the life, read this, and save yourself from reading the book.

It begins with the sacrifice of your body. The little miracle grows inside of you, swelling your boobs, butt and belly to epic proportions. Some jerk will ask if you are expecting twins (you aren't) and you smile and say "Triplets, actually" or "I'm not pregnant, I just like beer". Then the birthing comes. Beautiful my ass! You push out turds, you yell, you sweat. The pain is gone the minute you place eyes onto this child, slimy, wrinkled creature, alien and beautiful. (Adoptive parents, you suffer thru your own labor, worrying about paperwork and biological parents...) The first six months are hell. Granted, there is magic in those little feet and hands, and watching that baby develop... but it's tough. You are exhausted due to baby sleeping patterns. If you breast feed, you are like a cow at the county fair - Step Right UP! See the amazing milk machine! Your boobs out all the time for the little lamprey... (said with affection in case one misses my sarcasm) oh diapers! As soon as you change it, your senses are attacked: hmm. I smell poop. AGAIN! I hear a rumble! AHHHH! He grows and gets mobile, you worry about him jamming forks into electric outlets, putting god-awful things into his mouth, and knocking over furniture onto himself. It takes you an hour to walk around the block as you are explaining drains, sewers and fire hydrants... then you play in the sandbox, making castles and roads... you make snacks CONSTANTLY! You learn that cheerios and milk make an amazingly tough paste. Then you try to keep him occupied while you clean and make dinner, only to find he's figured out how to open the shampoo bottle (how did he get to that??) and poured the contents onto the floor, rubbing his hands and feet in the slippery mess in a bizarre form of toddler art. As you clean that you see an old sippy cup under the couch... so old whatever liquid was in it has become solid. At this point, there has been a diaper blow out (a.k.a. shit explosion) potty training has not been too successful yet, although your little angel has figured out how to flush the toilet, regrettably he used your watch as a substitute for his turds... so you get that cleaned up and smell something burning. Damn! Dinner! You race to the kitchen to find your toddler has figured out how to pull a chair to the desk and open a pen... more artistic genius scribbled on papers for work, bills, himself and if you are not so lucky, the floor/walls. You give the sweetie a bath, and it dawns on you you've missed your shower this morning because he peed thru his pj's and you were changing and washing bedding... you dress the child for the 12th time that day when the Jehovah's witnesses come to the door. They see the child and ask "do you work or stay at home"?
You dismember the bodies in the basement, and quietly bury them beneath the swing set that night.

I won't go into the after school running around for last minute science projects and sporting events, musical instruments accidentally run over by the car, teaching them how to ride a bike and throw a ball (and repair a window), calming a child after a fight with a friend or first heartbreak, teaching them to drive, and busting them sneaking out in the middle of the night.

It is a rich, wonderful thing, being a parent.
Who knew the heart could hold so much love!?
If you are lucky, someday you child will understand everything you have done and sincerely say, "thank you".

Go call your moms.

[Stephanie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found the goal of this book--to articulate what mothers do when it may appear to outsiders that they do little to nothing--very admirable and largely well-done. I think that this is an important book for vocalizing what mothers, particularly mothers of infants and young children (for this book does not deal with mothering over a lifetime), do, for it offers reassurance to mothers who feel as though they "get nothing done all day" that they are doing a great deal of mothering without taking it into account and should therefore berate themselves less. Unfortunately, I found a number of flaws with this book. First, the author made generalizations about how a mother should or is expected to feel toward her child without giving much allowance to mothers who may feel differently. Second, the author explicitly says that her book is not a "prescription" of what mothers should do but rather a "description" of what mothers do, yet she repeatedly offers her precise ideas of what "good" mothering entails (take sleep training, for example). Third, the author seems to completely disregard outside influences or other social and structural influences or restraints when it comes to childrearing; she even states that it is the mother's fault when a child acts out because the mother didn't attend to his needs quickly enough when he was younger. I certainly appreciate Stadlen's attempt to "materialize the overlooked and invisible value of [the relationship between mother and child]" (126) and challenge the "consistent denigration of genuine mothering" (294; yet I ask, what is "genuine mothering"?), but this book leaves much to be desired.

[Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

this is the best "parenting" book i have ever read. it is unique in that the author doesn't tell you what you should do. instead the book is all about the things mothers do that frequently do not even have an adequate vocabulary to describe them. it is more: you are probably already doing this to some degree and i am just writing it down.

this book not only hit upon many thoughts i had been having, it hit on upon thoughts i hadn't even begun to think. it was like she looked inside me and wrote a book about everything i have felt and thought since my son was born. i have even been keeping a list of some of the passages that "speak" to me. it has chapter titles like "nothing prepares you" and "So tired i could die".

the basic premise of the book is that mothers do all these things that we don't even really have words to express. she makes a point in the first chapter that we have a litany of words to describe the things mothers do wrong, but very few for what moms do right. the example she gives is we have the words, "negligent" and "over-protective" but no word for "protecting her child in the right amount".

she goes on to have chapters about "being instantly interruptible" and motherly love and the power of comfort and the feeling that you didn't do anything all day... but you did. the book wraps up with chapters on a new mom's relationship with her husband and another about her relationship with her own mother.

the woman who wrote it is english so the vocabulary is a little different, but you get used to it. (nappies=diapers, mum=mom, cot=crib, chemist=pharmacist, etc...)

not only do i highly recommend this book for all moms, this is the kind of book i think young men and women should be reading in highschool and college. it was so good, as soon as i finished it i a) cried and b) wanted to re read it again, right then.

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a new mother, this book saved my mental health in the early days of my baby's life.

It is not a parenting guide or how-to book. The author doesn't ascribe to or recommend any philosophy of parenting. This book very elegantly describes the shock and frustrating experiences of mothers, and delineates through snippets of interviews with mothers, all the various types of work that mothers do 24 hours a day.

Her definitions of a mother's work include learning about, listening to her baby; the ability to be constantly interruptable; the socializing of her baby; her worry.

I highly recommend this book to any new mother who is struggling with her transition into motherhood. It will give even more meaning to what you are doing as a mother, even if it feels like you are not ever getting anything done.

[Jenni Pertuset · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this when my daughter was a newborn. I have a strong drive toward feeling productive, and at a time when just leaving the house sometimes took hours this reassured me that I was still accomplishing a great deal. I felt encouraged by that and by its normalizing (is that a word?) some of the things I'd imagined, but thought no sane mother ever had.

[Karin · Rating 5 out of 5]

This should be a book that all mothers read.
It gives so much validation that when we "sit around" with our babies and young children we are actually doing very exhausting work. I can't say enough good about it. It shows gentleness and respect for all mothers, regardless of how they choose to parent. It also addresses how we communicate with each other and which ways are helpful and which ways are counter-productive. I think I'll try to get several copies and then give to mothers when a baby is born.

[Nikki Mcgee · Rating 2 out of 5]

I started this when my baby was a few weeks old but was too hurt doing nothing to actually read it. I related to some parts of it however but found it rather dismissive of fathers.

I also don't really feel the need to justify not doing the housework - I am naturally lazy and like gazing at my baby.

[Yvette · Rating 5 out of 5]

This deeply affirming book explores the invisible, emotional, and instinctive work mothers do every day. Drawing on real conversations with mothers, Stadlen gives voice to the complexities of early motherhood—the tasks that don’t come with checklists, the feelings that don’t always make sense, and the identity shifts that are often overlooked. Rather than offering advice, she validates the unique, moment-by-moment nature of being with a baby and reminds mothers that what they do—especially when it looks like “nothing"—is profoundly meaningful.

Why It’s Included:
We include this title for its quiet, revolutionary power. Stadlen’s compassionate insights challenge the cultural undervaluing of mothering and shine a light on the unseen labour of nurturing. It’s a book that mothers often describe as life-changing—not because it tells them what to do, but because it helps them see what they’re already doing in a new light.

Who It’s For:
Highly recommended for new mothers, those supporting them, and anyone working in the perinatal space. Especially valuable for mothers feeling uncertain, exhausted, or unseen. Also ideal for doulas, maternal health professionals, and birth educators seeking a deeper understanding of the emotional realities of early motherhood.

“Reading this book for second time twenty years after it was published was frustrating - not because of the book but because society had actually devolved further down the path of not valuing motherhood. Now, even more, women feel they must be in the paid workforce to be productive and the care work they do within their families are not valued. This is a must read for every woman transitioning through matrascence and beyond.”
— Yvette O'Dowd

[Bryony · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the perfect book for mothers of young babies. Reading it is like having someone give you a hug and reassure you that what you do all day is valid and important.

The author runs discussion groups for mothers and comments from mothers who attend the groups are regularly quoted throughout the book. This means the book feels a bit like being a fly on the wall at one of their meetings, which is really helpful when many new mothers don’t have opportunities to talk about their experience with other mothers. I’m sure that any parent of a young baby will be able to relate to at least some of the mothers whose words are included in the book.

One of the most powerful bits of the book for me was about the language used to describe mothering. The author describes the way a mother might notice something seems wrong with her baby and spend time carefully considering what might be wrong. But then she mentions her concerns to someone else and all too often they reply that she must ‘stop worrying so much’ as if she has been stupid to waste her time thinking about the concern. Because we don��t have a word to describe the kind of careful, intelligent concern a mother feels towards to her baby, the word ‘worry’ is used, which implies that her concern is pointless or unnecessary. This can leave her feeling belittled or embarrassed instead of feeling proud that she has taken such care over something that she notices affects her baby.

This isn’t a typical parenting book that tells you what you should be doing, or offers solutions to problems. It’s about reassuring new mothers that no matter how tired or overwhelmed or out of your depth you’re feeling, firstly you’re not alone. And secondly you’re doing a valuable and important job, even when you get to the end of the day and feel like you’ve done nothing. I’d recommend this book to anyone who has a new baby, or just wants to better understand the experience of becoming a parent.

[Chris · Rating 1 out of 5]

My wife is pregnant, so we've been looking around for things to read and other ways to learn about parenting. This book was suggested by a friend of mine who is also a father, though he strongly warned me that I "might find it very sexist".

I understand what he means now, but it is also much worse. While there are some wonderful quotes from new mothers - more on those shortly - this book is mostly a minefield for any new mother's confidence. Stadlen slyly but constantly pushes the agenda that the only good mother is one who stays at home with her kids, all while constantly claiming that she only describes mothers' experiences and does not prescribe how to be a good mother. I don't know if my wife will stay at home like this (she hasn't decided yet), but we certainly want honest analysis to help us make a good decision, not political manipulation!

For example, in the chapter on "what is motherly love" Stadlen argues that a good mother would never have bad feelings towards their child, and she "names and shames" many others who write about feeling that way. Other chapters are similarly slanted while overtly claiming not to be, especially in the second half of the book.

The good moments I mentioned? This book does have a lot of quotes from mothers interspersed amongst the text, and the chapter headings categorise them nicely. They make the point that mothering is unexpectedly hard, often in invisible ways. I think that's a good point, and I'm glad they come through despite the author's commentary. To summarise: "What Mother's Do" is a dangerous book, read it for the quotes if you must, but open your eyes before you start.

[Alice · Rating 5 out of 5]

Stadlen is one of my favourite authors in the parenting genre. In a world that offers parents lists and volumes of instructions for what we 'should' do with our babies, she is one of the rare authors who helps us understand simply 'what is happening'. This 'making sense' of foreign and at times frightening experiences is, for many, far more empowering than yet another list of things we should be doing (and invariably end up failing to do, because our babies never read the same books as us).

There is some valid criticism that the book articulates the experience of educated, relatively middle-class women and does not adequately capture the voices of women in other social or economic contexts. I'd tend to agree with this. However, if this is a concern, I'd suggest reading Stadlen 'through the lens' of Bridges Out of Poverty: Strategies for Professionals and Communities or something similar. Stadlen probably could have done a slightly better job at acknowledging that the people she is writing for, and about, are typically middle class women who tend to have concerns and ways of thinking that are different from other groups. But these concerns and ways of thinking are no less valid - or destructive - when they overwhelm.

[Erika · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book does a beautiful job of allowing us to examine what it is mothers--especially stay-at-home mothers--do all day, and, more than that, to name and honor those things. It can be very easy to feel like you're "not getting anything done," when, in fact, you are working hard all day at arguably the most important job there is! Stadlen shows how the typical ways we measure success and efficiency and accomplishment cannot be applied to the work of the stay-at-home parent and offers other ways to understand what SAHMs do. She has a lovely folkloric, personal-narrative approach that is appropriate to her thesis. The book, for the most part, would apply to fathers, too--especially those who stay home with their babies (as my husband did for a year). My only criticism so far is that the book can get a little touchy-feely, I'm-ok-you're-ok, but I suppose it's better to err on the side of gentleness when your audience is sleep-deprived and hormone-wired.

[Christine Bula · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked parts of this book and some parts were too weird and psychoanalytic for me. Good to keep in mind that it comes out of the UK where maternity leave is much longer than here in the US and it's a little bit "anti-going back to work". If you take the parts that resonate with you and leave the parts that don't, it's affirming and reassuring to hear from other moms. Actually that was my favorite part was the small quotes throughout the book from moms at different stages. I feel like it made me feel normal for having certain feelings after having a baby. I would recommend reading it with the caveat that there might be parts that you skim through or parts that just don't speak to you. It's a nice tribute to how important moms are and what we do for our children on a daily basis. I would not recommend reading it if you are not a parent or even if you're pregnant (wait to read it until after you have the baby)--it won't mean much until you have your own kids.

[Leah · Rating 5 out of 5]

I liked this a lot. There is the "mothering is the most important work" platitude, and then there is the "you should really be using your degree/you are just a SAHM/you must not be a feminist" that you get from people. And sometimes you get them from the same person. It could give one whiplash. This book is a great way to center yourself and realize what you are doing, that it is transient and necessary, and that it has value beyond the platitudes.

This book is slanted toward the Attachment Parenting spectrum but is very careful to not insult mothers with other parenting techniques. I can see it possibly upsetting a mother who has to work outside the home but who doesn't want to, particularly as it is written from a UK perspective and assumes a full year of maternity leave. I think it is well done but I wouldn't want it to sideswipe someone who is already upset about that.

[Therese · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was recommended to me by a fellow mother at a baby group when I mentioned my fear I wasn't doing my best as a mother and felt overwhelmed. It took me a couple years to finally get around to getting and reading this book and my only regret is that I didn't do so earlier!

What an excellent book for mothers-to-be and even those experienced mothers out there, if only to reassure you that all the time you took over trying to get things right for your babies and young children was worth the effort and that you are not in fact a failure after all! Even though I will probably always feel on some level like I could be doing a better job, the most important lesson I have taken away from this book is to trust my own instinct and know that it doesn't matter what others say or what has worked for them, but rather what works for MY children. Thank you for this, Naomi Stadlen!

[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

A beautiful insight into motherhood. A friend generously sent me a copy a few weeks ago after the birth of my first child. It was beautiful to sit and read it bit by bit while breastfeeding my little girl. As a new mother I felt huge comfort in reading the words of so many other mothers who have gone before me. Naomi brings out so many truths in this book. What I found particularly helpful was how she brought out how useless so much of contemporary advice about motherhood is, because it assumes babies are like little machines. It was freeing to read the different accounts of mothering. I will be recommending thus book to every new mother!

[Jamie · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a good book to read piecemeal when I was rocking Max. It helped me reflect on my experience of motherhood and I liked looking at my current mindset from a larger cultural perspective. What is it that mothers do? It's hard to explain, but there's a lot to it and mothers are not given enough credit. I appreciated the way Stadlen explored the shifting of relationships and personal identity of new moms; she helped me to see that all of the "little" things I do with Max are way more important than any outwardly noticeable things I am getting done (or at least *trying* to get done).

[Nickie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Far be it from me to act like I'm possessed of near-goddess like magnificence for spawning, but sometimes in the face of endless no-sleep and hormonal chasms of depression, you need something to make you feel special. And to know that there are hordes of women who feel just as good/bad as you do about the whole thing.

For anyone who's spent a magical afternoon gazing in awe at their beautiful sleeping progeny, then ten minutes later found themselves raging about how said vision of loveliness has deprived them of all that makes them feel human, this is the book for you.

[Janelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found great encouragement in this book during my first months as a new mom. It is nice to finally find someone who has found language to describe what most mothers do naturally with their babies instead of dictating what they "should" be doing or not doing. Books that tell moms what to do are a dime a dozen, but this one is unique (as far as I know) and serves as a great balance to all the advice that new moms are bombarded with.

[Nux · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fascinating to see my thoughts that's so difficult to put into words being outlined in here. Also some that I thought would make me be categorized as weird... turns out to be pretty normal. Not all applicable or happening to me, but these non-applicable things are still good to know.
Would definitely recommend it to all new mums, or perhaps even mum to be's or those wanting to become mums themselves.

[Nikki · Rating 1 out of 5]

I feel like just as mothers should be able to express how hard it is. They should also be able to express how wonderful it is and how much they enjoy it without feeling judged.

I've never really felt the need to be validated in my role as a mother.

I also feel bad for saying that I loved it when I had my baby and didn't feel this shocking experience that is expressed in the book as if its universal.

[Sara · Rating 1 out of 5]

So disappointing, random musings with no real thesis. Should be called, "Dumb shit that white women of a certain social class in the early 2000s worry about." Not a deep/profound read at all. Also, though she talks about all these "decisions" that create maternal identity (like feeding, sleep location, things that truly are inconsequential, and more importantly working or not), and how they shouldn't be divisive, it is pretty clear what she believes and judges.

[Kristin · Rating 1 out of 5]

Taking care of a newborn/baby is hard, I didn't need this book to tell me that :) I had the urge to stop reading it a few chapters in, but I have this problem with leaving any book I start unfinished . . .

[Karen]

So far, one of the best books I've read about mothering - all the stuff the other "parenting" books don't have. It's not a how-to book at all, but an observation of what we're already doing, much of which doesn't have language associated with it yet.

[Samuela · Rating 1 out of 5]

Put aside. Negative, negative, negative. Patronising. I learnt nothing. I got to chapter 5 and thought I'm wasting my time. It's a neverending rant on how mothers put themselves down. So I put the book down. Not a good read and not useful in any shape or form.

[Ieva · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must-read for any new parent. It took me 18 months to read this book with a very active baby and now toddler, but I could relate to every single bit, and if anything, this book made me feel 'normal' in this ever demanding and sometimes lonely mum life.

[Holly · Rating 3 out of 5]

When this book was published, there weren't a lot of mommy blogs. I can see how it would have been more useful then, but that's what it reminds me of, and I'm not sure that I like reading a blog in book form.

[Kristen · Rating 2 out of 5]

I expected to like this book more than I actually did. The first few chapters were pretty good, but then it became repetitive and kind of slow. So it was just okay.

[Christina Jaloway · Rating 5 out of 5]

This will be in my top 5 books to recommend to new moms (and stay-at-home moms who are feeling burnt out) from now on. Excellent.

[Beth · Rating 5 out of 5]

A good recognition that mothers are doing so much and lots is invisible.
So good. I highly recommend. I remember it still after reading it several years ago.