Netobulos tėvystės dovanos: Kaip drąsiai, su atjauta auginti vaikus ir išlaikyti artumo ryšį

by Brené Brown, Jūratė Matonytė (vertė), Jurgita Jurkutė (skaito)

Brene Brown „Netobulõs tėvystės dovanos“ – vaikų auklėjimo kelrodžių rinkinys, padėsiantis tiek tėvystės perfekcionistams, tiek „netobuliems“ tėvams. Autorė teigia, kad siekis, užauginti už save geresnius vaikus, yra iliuzija. Tai neįmanoma. Negalime užauginti už save geresnių vaikų, bet galime kartu su jais tapti geresniais žmonėmis. Daugelis iš mūsų užaugome gėdos kultūroje, todėl, jeigu nenorime to perduoti savo vaikams, turime išmokti pakovoti su gėdos „gremlinais“, išdrįsti būti pažeidžiamais. Visavertiškumo ugdymas šeimoje, drąsa būti pažeidžiamais ir psichologinis atsparumas gėdai, mokėjimas atskirti perfekcionizmą nuo sveiko laimėjimų siekio, gebėjimas būti bendrystėje ir meilės ugdymas - svarbiausios pamatinės nuostatos, padedančios šeimoje kurti aplinką, kurioje galime būti atviri ir autentiški, taip mokydami ir savo vaikus tokiais būti.

7 pasirinkimų kelrodžiai, vedantys į gyvenimą visa širdimi, padės pasiekti, kad šios pamatinės nuostatos realizuotųsi mūsų ir mūsų vaikų gyvenime. Pirmas kelrodis yra viltis, kuri remiantis moksliniais tyrimais nėra emocija ar afektas, tai kognityvis procesas, tai požiūris į kliūtis, mokėjimas nusistatyti tikslus ir tikėjimas, kad galime juos pasiekti. Ir dar labai svarbi žinutė, tiems, kurie nori apsaugoti savo vaikus nuo net menkiausių nesėkmių ir nusivylimų: viltis gimsta sunkumuose. Antras - dėkingumo ir džiaugsmo praktika, kuri ypač svarbi šiandienos kultūros nuostatos „niekada negana“ kontekste. Kas svarbiau auklėti, ar draugauti, kokie pavojai kyla, kai pereiname nuo auklėjimo prie draugystės su vaikais, atskleis trečias kelrodis – ribų nusistatymas ir pagarba joms. Ketvirtas ir penktas kelrodžiai paaiškins, kodėl svarbu šeimoje sukurti atvirą ir saugia erdvę kūrybiniam tyrinėjimui ir žaidimams. Tačiau svarbus ir šeštasis kelrodis – pagarba ir sunkaus darbo vertė. Vaikai turėtų suprasti, kad kartais būna sunku ir reikia įdėti daug darbo, ir nors tai nėra smagu, bet verta pastangų. Paskutinis kelrodis supažindina su elgesio modelio „būk kietas“ pavojais ir kodėl šio elgesio modelio neturėtų būti mūsų šeimose.

Brene Brown – socialinių mokslų profesorė, istorijų pasakotoja, lektorė, tinklalaidžių (angl. podcasts) autorė. Jos pranešimas apie pažeidžiamumo galią TEDx Talks susilaukė daugiau nei 53 milijonų peržiūrų. Brene Brown tyrinėja temas, kurių dažnas norėtų išvengti: pažeidžiamumas, gėda, baimė ir empatija.

Versta iš: The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting: Raising Children with Courage, Compassion, and Connection / Brené Brown

Trukmė: 2 val. 22 min.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Self Help, Audiobook, Psychology, Personal Development, Family

72 pages, Audiobook

First published January 1, 2013

About the author

Dr. Brené Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston, where she holds
the Huffington Foundation Endowed Chair at the Graduate College of Social Work. She
also holds the position of visiting professor in management at The University of Texas at
Austin McCombs School of Business.

Brené has spent the past two decades studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and
empathy. She is the author of six #1 New York Times bestsellers and is the host of two
award-winning podcasts, Unlocking Us and Dare to Lead.

Brené’s books have been translated into more than 30 languages, and her titles
include Atlas of the Heart, Dare to Lead, Braving the Wilderness, Rising Strong,
Daring Greatly, and The Gifts of Imperfection. With Tarana Burke, she co-edited the
bestselling anthology You Are Your Best Thing: Vulnerability, Shame Resilience, and
the Black Experience.

Brené’s TED talk on the Power of Vulnerability is one of the top five most-viewed TED
talks in the world, with over 60 million views. She spends most of her time working in
organizations around the world, helping develop braver leaders and more courageous
cultures. In 2024, she was named as the executive director of The Center for Daring
Leadership at BetterUp.

She lives in Houston, Texas, with her husband, Steve. They have two children, Ellen and
Charlie, and a weird Bichon named Lucy.

Reviews

[Mandie McGlynn]

If you have children, go buy or borrow this book. Like, now.

This two-hour audiobook reads more like a workshop by author/narrator Brené Brown. Broken down into simple "guideposts" and with a very friendly, conversational tone, The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting is refreshingly optimistic and realistic. As Dr. Brown says, it's never too late for wholehearted parenting.

My favorite thing about this book is that it's not just the advice of some parenting guru. It's not a lot of theory from a psychologist with no children. It's not new-agey, touchy-feely B.S. It's solid, research-based, practical advice for creating a culture in your home and family that will allow your children the safety and the space, and the safe space, to grow into well-adjusted adults.

As Dr. Brown reiterates at the end of the book, there are many ways to be an engaged parent, and we need to stop judging and shaming one another for our differing choices. But I think whether you consider yourself a Tiger Mom or an Attachment Parent, there is much to be gained from this, and it will be two hours of your life well-spent (especially since you can listen while doing chores, like I did!).

More of my favorite quotes here. But really, go listen for yourself.

[Suz]

This is an audio only book, one which I easily listened to and grabbed lots of helpful things from. Brene Brown speaks well, she has a lovely conversational tone where the reader feels like they are there. She's good at what she does, which is draw a reader in and really listen to her ideas. Whether you are a CEO or a student. She makes you feel comfortable.

She speaks of themes like she has in many of her books, and her TED Talks. Shame (she gave interesting examples of children learning this, among a lot of other behaviours from their parents), guilt, worthyness and perfection.

Perfection gets in the way of so much, and again, our kids learn this from us.We need to show them how to strive healthily. The author talks us through 10 guideposts in acheiving a good balance. Some easier done than others, but of course, this parenting gig is not meant to be easy.

Play, really play. I've been doing this lately and it's getting better. Work out what that 'play' is to your family, and try and implement it a little. Mine is kicking the soccer ball with my 11 year old. Show your kids that you struggle with things. We are not perfect beings. Maybe mention it at dinner or drop it in somewhere. They are allowed to fail too.

I myself do a gratitude list. Why not the family too? In an informal chatty tone, they need to understand the simple things are lucky to realise.

One thing made me smile. We don't need to be cool. We can tell our kids we understand they want to be, but no inappropriate parties just to fit in, things like this. She states they do not aim for coolness in their house, nor do they use certain derogerative words. It's not rocket science but I like the reminders, and life happens and we forget that as a family unit, we are first to shape our children.

I will revisit this audio book as it is accessible through my public library, via Hoopla.

Well recommended to families, therapists, students, healthcare professionals. I think of Gabor Maté when I think of this author. Lots of wisdom, and lots of mistakes as humans. Like we all do.

[Erin]

I enjoyed this and it got me thinking about how I view myself and the world around me. I really liked the part about home being a safe space to feel included, silly, and vulnerable.

[Kat]

I have read/listened to a lot of Brene's work. This touched me in a way that nothing else has. A must read (listen) for all parents. I feel more responsible for my failings as a parent and yet hopeful for the opportunity I have to parent better than I was parented. Somehow I became acutely aware of my role as a parent. I cried hard a couple of times, but the message was hopeful and in the end I feel capable and grateful for all the personal work I have done and the possibility of passing that on.

[Quinton]

"Kids learn so much more from what you do, than what you say. So be the person that you want your kids to be."

What a fantastic "read". This gave me ideas on ways I could improve my parenting, but also made me feel good on some of the area where i've held firm.
Brene Brown is brilliant, and taking her research and applying it to kids was a great idea.
I highly recommend this to anyone with kids.

We have to watch out to see you what barriers to worthiness we’re passing down to our kids
We can’t give our kids will we don’t have, so if we tell our kids not to experience shame we shame ourselves they’re going to take more away from what we did to ourselves then we told them
If you want your kids to be hopeful, you have to teach them to struggle and let them fail occasionally
If you want your kids to be joyful, you have to teach them gratitude
Kids are hardwired to push boundaries, their job is to push the boundaries, our jobs as parents is to hold them. Giving kids boundaries actually gives them a sense of security. Our kids depend on these limits. Children learn how to hold boundaries based on how we hold boundaries . If we give in on things that we think are important, our kids will give in on things that they think are important. So hold our boundaries, even if that means that they hate us for it, because it will be worthwhile in the end.

Creativity- whole hearted families are creative with each other and encourage creativity. Creativity is something where we can’t be perfect at and where we can express our individuality.

Play - What is something that everyone in your family can do, where none of us wanted to end or none of us feel inhibited and we’re we’re all having fun. Play teaches us about empathy to do that interpersonal skills it’s such a good thing. The opposite of Play isn't work, it's depression.

Finally, there's Cool. Home has to be a place where you fit in, and you don't have to be 'cool'. You have to be able to be silly at home.

[Swaye]

*massive sigh of relief and gratitude* Every parent should listen to this. This audiobook served to lift a massive weight off my heart and helped me let go of so much shame and guilt and recognize what a wonderful mom I am. 👩‍👦💞

[Regina]

Sure, I don’t have kids, but I’m running out of BB audiobooks and really felt like I needed her insights on shame and courage today. She’s told these stories before, but I always find value in their message.

[Shelley Carr]

Every parent (I would even suggest this to educators, caregivers, anyone who influences youth) should listen to this audio book! It doesn't matter if you are expecting your first child or have teenagers- it is well worth your time. It opened up great insight on my own behaviors and what research shows my struggles with perfectionism and vulnerability will ultimately do to my own children. She relates the research to her own family and is very honest and transparent about her struggles as a parent.

This is a great book to help establish a foundation for a safe, secure, and loving home. A home where kids (and adults) feel free to be themselves, to take risks and understand that failure is apart of growth, to build resiliency, to establish hope, be silly, learn to be grateful, and feel that they have unconditional love and support.

I will listen to this audio book several times, as I know from my own research that the guideposts presented are critical to developing resilient children who will thrive in the world.

[Trina]

As every single piece of Brene Brown's work I have read or listened to, this gives me a lot to think about: how I model my vulnerability to my children, the different between shame and guilt, my sense of worth (and how I show this to my children), and even how I play.

[Giedrė Kvietkutė]

“Atjausti - tai reiškia pakankamai gerai pažinti savo tamsą, kad galėtum išbūti su kitais jų tamsoje.“

[Sandy Hampton]

Listened to it on audio. Fantastic!

[Azam Heydari]

این #کتاب صوتی از برنه براون در واقع دو جلسه سخنرانی است که هر کدام یک ساعتند. برنه براون استاد دانشگاه هیوستون چندین کتاب در لیست پرفروش‌های نیویورک‌تایمز داره که یکیش در مورد موهبت‌های کامل نبودن است. این سخنرانی در مورد موهبت‌های کامل نبودن برای والدین است و اثرش روی بچه‌ها. برنه براون اعتقاد دارد که 'توانایی ما در پذیرفتن این که کامل نیستیم می‌تواند باعث شود بچه‌هایی تربیت کنیم که اصیلن، می‌توانند خودشان و بقیه را دوست داشته باشند و احساس ارتباطشان با دیگران طوری است که بهشون حس هدف داشتن و معنی داشتن در زندگی می‌دهد'. این وسط به نظرش سه تا اصل مهم در خانواده‌ باید وجود داشته باشه که محیط را برای پرورش هم‌چین آدمی آمده کنه:
۱. محیط خانه بدون شرم باشد. تحت هیچ شرایطی به کسی این احساس داده نشود که چون کاری را غلط انجام داده پس مشکل شخصیتی دارد.
۲. محیط خانه جای امنی برای نمایش آسیب‌پذیر بودن باشه. هیچ‌کس نگران نباشه که ممکنه به خاطر فلان کار غلط ممکنه نظر بقیه در موردش عوض شود. در عوض همه بدانند چهاردیواری خانه جای امنی است که همه ترس‌ها و ناراحتی‌ها را بدون دغدغه بیان کنیم.
۳. کمال‌گرا نباشیم. نه که به کودکانمان بگوییم کمال‌گرا نباشند بلکه خودمان مدل باشیم در کمال‌گرا نبودن. معنی کمال‌گرایی براش اینه که بخواهیم به خاطر ترس از دید دیگران کارمون را درست انجام بدهیم.

در قسمت دوم سخنرانی یک سری ابزار می‌دهد برای این که محیط خانواده را تغییر بدهیم که از جمله‌اش این است که به بچه‌ها یاد بدهیم سپاس‌گزار باشند. تحقیقات نشان داده که رابطه مستقیمی بین سپاس‌گزار بودن و شادی در زندگی وجود دارد. من این را بار اول در کتاب انتخاب دوم شریل سندبرگ دیده بودم. راهکار سندبرگ این بود که هر شب قبل از خواب به سه چیز فکر کنید که به خاطرش سپاسگزارید. راهکار براون، که به نظر می‌رسد مسیحی معتقدی باشد، سپاسگزاری گفتن قبل از غذاست. در مورد چی؟ مثلن دخترش از بودن لیدی گاگا در دنیا ممکنه سپاس‌گزار باشه. بیشتر از موضوع مهم آن عمل سپاس‌گزار بودنه که یادآوری کند چه چیزهایی خوبی در زندگی داریم. من به شخصه این راهکار را خیلی دوست دارم و خیلی وقت‌ها کمک کرده در سیاهچاله منفی‌بینی غرق نشوم.

در مورد خود سخنرانی به نظرم کاملن ارزش دو ساعت وقت را دارد. آیا با همه حرف‌هایش موافقم؟ نه. اما به نظرم برآیند حرف‌هاش می‌تواند روی والد بهتری بودن اثر بگذارد. این را اضافه کنم که خودش اعتقاد دارد نباید بگیم والد بد. به جایش باید بگیم والدی که با بچه در ارتباط* است و والدی که این را ندارد.

*involve

[Adi]

Definitely a book I recommend to parents. The lessons about shame vs. guilt are so important to be aware of as parents that you not only learn about parenting your own children, but you also might start to understand why your parents parented the way they did. I am certain most of us would have been parented and educated in different ways if only our parents knew all the stuff we know now. Vulnerability is another important part Brene Brown is talking about. Some of the anecdotes seem a bit staged.

[Betsy]

Not just for parents. Brene (it's so easy to call her by her first name, isn't it?) tells you why your parents did some of the things they did, and why siblings do know where to hit you the hardest. For any age child of any parent. There are gems in her words, as always. It's not too late to change how you relate to your family.

[Alvin]

Brené is so Brené! I came across a couple of these "sessions" on Hoopla and dove in. Who couldn't use a couple of hours of wholeheartedness. I loved this one mostly because how relevant it is to me now in this point of my personal and professional life. Highly recommended for any parent or anyone who knows a kid or was once a kid.

[Camille]

Love her. I did this as an audio book - and I would recommend it as the way to go. Brene does the narration, and she gives it almost as a presentation - like her well-regarded TED talk. It's short, but there's a lot to absorb. I'll be listening to it again.

[Becky]

I picked this up because I was curious about Brene Brown, for whom I've heard a lot of praise but hadn't heard/read anything other than maybe a TED talk; because I am a deeply imperfect parent who wants to be the best I can be; and because the audiobook was only a couple hours long.

And I loved this book. Like, want to go back and handwrite quotes and passages to have on my bulletin board, LOOOOVED. I am not overly inclined toward self help, but I know I will be revisiting this regularly. There's a lot to sink in that I really want to embrace, and just one pass wasn't enough for me. Highly, highly recommended to parents.

[Sharon Erickson]

I learned so much from this book and it also made me feel like I’m not alone. Brene offered really good, practical advice and knowledge on being a whole hearted parent and accepting imperfections/mistakes. To me the underlying theme is learning to recognize our behavior and going forward. Her personal stories as examples to different parts of the book made her very relatable.

I could read this again just so that I haven’t missed pertinent information. I can’t wait to read Brene Browns other books.

[Lauren]

Yes Brene! Direct and powerful applications of her research in the world of parenting. I listened to this twice through back to back, and would happily listen again.

[Snorre Lothar von Gohren Edwin]

Just saying Brene brown! She has the best way to share knowledge and thoughts!

[Anna Beadleston]

I liked how she spoke about shame and leading by example - also how siblings affect our self esteem was sooo insightful to me.

Her examples she gave of her family were soooooo incredibly unrelatable though lol

[Nicole Cann]

Fast, honest, useful, easily applicable, and inspiring. Great book

[Shweta Ganesh Kumar]

I really enjoyed this book. As a parent with elementary school aged kids, I felt like it offered a lot of timely insights and strategies. It discussed shame vs. guilt, the myth of perfect parenting and how to work on wholehearted parenting. Recommended for parents with kids who are 7+.

[Courtney Gorden]

Brene never lets me down. I loved listening to her talk- it felt like we were having a conversation. There is so much great advice in this book!!! It's a must read for parents!

[Laura]

I really wasn't sure I was going to like this. It's more a lecture or a talk than a book. And though at times I was annoyed by yet another anecdote about her kids, they really did drive home the points she was making and made them more relatable. I really got s lot out of this. Will be listening to this again.

[Rebecca]

A dear friend loaned this to me and I loved it. That was a couple, maybe three years ago & I felt it was time for a re-read. My time with a child in the home grows short & I want to make the most of it. Loved this refresher. Love Brene!

[Laura]

Love this! Simple, thought provoking ways to become a better parent and human being.

Listening to this book again, two years later, was an incredible experience of self assessment resulting in both celebration and goal making.

[Megan Helmer]

All hail Queen Brene! I will devour everything this woman puts into the world. This is an audio exclusive and it’s like sitting down and receiving a pep
Talk about parenting from the one and only. I am so happy I own this and can listen to it over and over again. It’s only about 3 hours long.

[Miranda]

I’m going to need to relisten to this a few times each year. I loved each point she made. I especially love the discussion of boundaries and play and how she wraps everything up by encouraging us to parent according to our kids needs and to encourage other parents on their journey.

[Rachel]

This had so many important thoughts, that while I listened to it I had to stop repeatedly and type out quotes to go back to and meditate on later. Well worth the two hour listen.