As Far as You Can Go Before You Have to Come Back

by Alle C. Hall

Two classics, The Lovely Bones and The Beach, meet in this girl-and-her-backpack story—except this teenager, Carlie, isn’t merely traveling.

Carlie steals ten thousand dollars from her parents to get as far from them as possible: Southeast Asia. There, the Lonely Planet path of hooks, heat, alcohol and drugs takes on a terrifying reality.

Landing in Tokyo in the late 1980s, teaching English and practicing tai chi, Carlie has the chance at a journey she didn’t plan for: one to find the self-respect ripped from her as a child and the healthy sexuality she desires.

Genres: Fiction

266 pages, Paperback

Published March 2, 2023

Reviews

[Laura Donovan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very intriguing story of a girl starting anew after running away from an abusive home. The abuse is hard to stomach, but the author gets her out of there quickly, and onto an adventure in Bali and beyond. Having honeymooned in Bali, I loved the descriptions of being there, and Bintangs, which only taste good in Bali!

[Fran Hawthorne · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is so painfully powerful that I had to keep putting it down -- which is a compliment! (And I also didn't want to put it down; I wanted to find out what happens to Carlie, the main character.) Carlie is complex and fully drawn; the writing is sharp without being overdone; and the book is deeply honest.

The research is also impressive: So many details and gorgeous descriptions of places from downtown Tokyo to remote Indonesian islands and villages, that I have to believe that the author lived in each of those locations for months.

I guess my main complaint is that some of the things Carlie manages to achieve (and survive) seem, in practical terms, hard to believe--such as the way she steals $10,000 and escapes her family to begin with, when she's only 17.

But overall, this is definitely a unique--and troubling--novel. It will haunt you after you finish.

[Karla Huebner · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a poetic and richly imagined novel about an American teen who escapes her incestuous father and cold mother by plotting to steal thousands of dollars from them and taking off for Asia, with the help of a Lonely Planet guidebook. At first the otherwise smart and capable Jennifer Brewer falls into a seriously questionable existence of unsatisfying sex and drugs with other western travelers, but a pair of lesbian travelers rescues her, helps her get settled in their home in Toyko, and attempt to stabilize her. The majority of the novel develops the renamed Carlie Adams's difficult journey toward healing as she studies tai chi, teaches English conversation, and struggles to understand herself and her new friends and colleagues.

There is much to like about this novel--it's vivid and complex, and all of the major characters have their own struggles. At the same time, since it's so much inside Jennifer/Carly's head, where feelings and memories well up suddenly and everything is a collage or a palimpsest, it can be difficult to follow just what is happening, who is reacting to what, which details happened in what order. Such a technique can be illuminating, but in a work of this length perhaps it is more so when balanced by a greater leaven of clarity.

[Cheri Krueger · Rating 5 out of 5]

A raw and emotional journey through one woman's life as she navigates childhood sexual abuse trauma and a world that preys on the vulnerable. The writer's style has a stream-of-consciousness tone in some places which I typically don't like but it works very well here. This story will make you angry, it will make you cry, and it will make you think about the wounds of others that you cannot see. I received this as a NetGalley ARC.

[Karen Sullivan · Rating 5 out of 5]

What do you say about a book whose traumatic story you initially turned away from, but then it became something you couldn’t put down? While this is a novel and not a trauma memoir, and while narratives about sexual trauma can be hard to read, it was the pace and quality of the writing that kept me going. Quirky, daring, even a bit experimental at times, Hall steers her main character through thickets of painful stumbles toward a hard-won self-confidence. I was prepared to hate it and quietly say nothing, but now I’m cheering.

[Nancy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Where to next?

I wasn't sure I could get beyond the first part of the book with Jenny being abused. Her escape plan was a search to heal. Her mistakes brought her to Asian tai-chi, kata, and a power she could control. This is about relationships and incest survival. I felt her experiences were important lessons. Bravo!

[Daniella Mestyanek · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautiful book, lots of trigger warnings.

A survivor of incest runs away and travels through Asia, going as far as you can go before you have to come back.

This book is beautifully, though painfully written, and take the survivor of trauma through every point that we hit along the way to our recovery .

Hugely recommend .

[Nancy Brier · Rating 5 out of 5]

From page one, this raw, compelling story had me engaged. I loved the way it weaves in and out of the past and the present, how it turns from tortuous memory to adventurous present. I love the resiliency of the main character and her determination to heal. A great book which I highly recommend.

[Jamie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Best book I’ve read of 2023. Fabulous writing. Great storytelling and characters. Addresses many issues affecting women including incest, bulimia, child abuse, and alcohol. And also a great travelogue about Asia.

[Rey Katz · Rating 5 out of 5]

This beautiful novel immerses the reader in one of the best depictions of recovery from trauma I've read. A lot of bad things happen to characters who reactively develop unhealthy coping mechanisms. Time starts to skip and repeat. Memories don't solidify until later.

As a martial artist, I appreciate the depiction of tai chi as a healing practice, not only as metaphor, but a method to feel grounded and interact with others in a healthy way.

The book contains some brief but difficult graphic scenes depicting sexual assault.

I was rooting for Carlie, the main character, the whole way through this novel. She grows into a more self-reliant, strong person, from a teen to an adult. I appreciate getting to read this story of recovery. This novel will stick with me for a long time.

[Kate · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book's style of writing reflects the narrator's mindset after systematic childhood sexual abuse. Fragmented, impressionistic, dizzying, ungrounded. When Carly escapes her situation (thank god) the trauma travels with her in the form of drugs, sex, and other dangerous choices. But as she finally begins to encounter possibilities of healing, the prose begins to stabilize, too.

As hard as this subject matter is, I liked seeing through Carly's eyes a lot of the places in the world I've traveled.

Even though I struggled with some of the brutality in the book (kind of the point, actually), it's a novel worth reading.

[Marilyn Bacarella · Rating 5 out of 5]

Alle C. Hall tells an intricate yet bold and forthright story of a girl's experience of incest and its aftermath. As a mental health professional, I was impressed with how the story resonated with case summaries I’d heard many times, but made you feel as if you were inside Carlie's emotional experience rather than on the outside looking in. Ms. Hall captured so much of how incest continues to unfold in women’s lives even after the actual abuse ends. Highly recommended.

[Georgie Gail Crow · Rating 5 out of 5]

Healing from the outside in.

This is a story of a disgusting family , the children are the products of two people that don't have a soul. One child escaped to save herself. It is possible to be reborn without entering the womb again.

[Kira · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book just wasn't for me, I loved the storyline and found it compelling however the stream of consciousness writing wasn't for me and got old pretty quickly.

I can see why someone could really enjoy this though so, don't take my word for it if you enjoy that style!

Thank you to the publisher and netgalley for the arc.

[Polly Krize · Rating 3 out of 5]

I received a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

Traveling throughout Asia is a healing journey for Carlie, a victim of childhood incest. Using her strength and resilience, she makes so many acquaintances, helping her to heal not only herself but also the people she touches. Sensitive and touching, excellent writing.

[Kelly Pramberger · Rating 3 out of 5]

Long title, long story. It was difficult to read at times but I quickly understood Hall's stream of consciousness style for her main character. Lots of trigger warnings and right at the beginning! Thanks to NetGalley for the ARC for the purpose of this review.

[Renee Roberson · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Riding the train from Narita Airport to Ueno Station, I thought about how each time you start the kata, you begin by sinking down. You stand with your legs together, rotating them from the hip joint so that your toes pointed out, heels almost touching. Before moving, you take a moment to experience standing, simply standing, pelvis tucked, shoulders rolled back and relaxed, and spin, neck, and head in line and connected to the golden string that attached the best part of you to that great, green god in the sky. If you could do all this while breathing gently, you could do anything." -As Far As You Can Go Before You Have to Come Back

Alle C. Hall’s novel “As Far as You Can Go Before You Have to Come Back” is an epic journey of survival and self-discovery. Protagonist Jennifer, a.k.a. Carlie, gives the reader an inside look on how pervasive incest can be in families, and demonstrates that sometimes even asking for help from the abuse is not an option. Carlie’s family “looks” a certain way, and her mother would rather blame the victims for the sexual abuse rather than giving up the lifestyle she’s grown accustomed to. I was impressed by the plan Carlie put together to escape her father’s grip, change her identity, all while also being resourceful enough to travel to other countries on a shoestring budget as part of her healing. Because she is only a teenager (17) when she leaves home, she has many issues to work through, including a misguided need to connect herself with the men she meets along the way. Hall deftly describes how putting physical distance between yourself and an abuser is only the first step in battling lifelong demons. She then has to overcome her fear of being alone, her addiction to alcohol and then to food, finding her own community in Tokyo and turning to tai chi as she learns to love her mind, body, and spirit again.

One of my favorite parts of the book was learning about what it was like traveling through Asia during the 1980s, and being introduced to the various characters Carlie meets up with. There are so many kindred souls around her who are also working their way through trauma, and she learns from each of them. She finds a home with the couple Cho and Ava in Tokyo, and Ava plays a large role in keeping Carlie accountable in her recovery, encouraging her to support herself financially with a job as an ESL teacher, all while grappling with her own sordid history.

The only reason I gave it a four stars is because it tackles a lot of painful subjects that may not be the right fit for every reader, including incest, eating disorders, and suicide. It’s clear the author spent much time and consideration crafting the poignant scenes found in this book and this is a tale that will inspire many readers for years to come.

[Betty Reed · Rating 5 out of 5]

Alle Hall’s novel, AS FAR AS YOU CAN GO BEFORE YOU HAVE TO COME BACK, is the heart-stopping journey of a teenager traumatized by incest. Carrie, the protagonist, creates a clever and successful long-term plan to erase her past life by inhabiting a new world. This new world is Southeast Asia. Hall's lush writing gives us a vivid portrait of a backpacker’s life in a pre-internet era where the main source of information was The Lonely Planet travel guide. Having traveled in these parts of the world during that era, I was pulled back into a world of spontaneity, constant assessment of whether someone is trustworthy, stunning sights, and encounters with people from all walks of life. Hall has written a book that travels through trauma and survival and ends with recovery. A page-turner all the way through.

[Saborna Roychowdhury · Rating 5 out of 5]

Alle, you wrote such an important book that is going help so many women. Child abuse is a crime. From this reading, readers will understand how deeply child abuse affects a survivor. I'm sorry that you yourself have sexual trauma in your background. Here in my community, I have seen people do Tai Chi but didn't realize its healing power. I am going to look into this and try it out. Thanks for the inspiration.

[Theodore H Ung · Rating 3 out of 5]

How "Naked Lunch" Should Have Closed

Following Jen's Odyssey allows no iota of comfort for the readers. It may well open the gates of empathy, leading to understanding the seemingly self-destructive or mysteriously faddish actions of those who feel themselves aggrieved. Recommended for the serious seeker.

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is about survival. How does one come back from horrible trauma? Expect the miracle!

[Diane Bracuk · Rating 5 out of 5]

Healing from incest at the hand of one’s father can take a long time. So can writing about it. In her acknowledgement, Alle C. Hall reveals that her debut novel How Far Can You Go Before You Have to Come Back took 30 years from conception to publication. It’s off to a great start. It won two Firebird Awards in the Coming of Age and Literary category and to my mind, should be up for more.

The opening scene, introducing us to the protagonist Carlie, is a gut punch. In a disassociated state, “watching myself from beside myself,” she learns that she will soon replace her older sister as the plaything for her monstrous father and his pals. To escape her new terrifying reality, she steals ten thousand dollars from her parents, and heads solo to Southeast Asia, during the pre-internet 80s, a “time when single girls along the Lonely Planet Trail were as rare as hot running water.” Even at the best of times, this would be fraught for a young woman traveling alone, but for one feeling unsafe and violated by a parental figure, accosted by unwanted memories of her abuse, it’s all more harrowing. In the beginning, Carlie copes by getting “super smashed” on drugs and alcohol, hooking up with sketchy guys, and “moving inside myself” when she senses danger. When she is taken under the wing of a lesbian couple and moves to Tokyo to teach English and take Tai Chi, Carli begins another journey where she begins to process her deep trauma.

A naturally poetic writer, Hall shines at sensory description, deftly creating atmospheres both sordid and sublime. At a low end, seedy bar, “Hookers bobbed around the bar like plastic birds in the baby pool at Little’s school fair, waiting to be snatched up, flipped over and checked for the prize.” In rural Thailand, “We went by miles of nice terraces, an unbelievable shade, Jello-O green, cut into the steep hills like steps for the gods.” And for “all of Borobudur at sunset, mammoth pink and gold Lego pieces glowing the way I thought heaven would, when I was a kid.”

For me, the most powerful scene was from “Crashing”, originally a flash fiction story which won the Mary Kennedy Eastham Flash Fiction contest. Eight-year-old Callie is on the beach, feeling like a movie star, as her father takes photos, “his fancy camera focused only on her.” When she discovers years later “what he would do with the photos, once he developed them, would do to his body”, she comes crashing down.


Stellar writing aside, the book at times is a difficult read, particularly the parts where Carlie goes down a “tunnel, a trainload of shame” recalling the abuse. But the sex scenes are not gratuit0us. The silence and shame that surround incest can be isolating. This emotional journey of stumbling towards survival can help place others on a path of healing. I highly recommend it.

[Christina · Rating 4 out of 5]

At first I found the book hard to get into and dropped it. The writing was jumpy and hard to follow. The author seemed to be trying too hard to be literary, eg. Joyce. There didn't seem to be any narrative. I put it down then after reading some reviews I picked it up some weeks later when I had a gap in my book lineup. It got better once the narrative thread was established, how she stole money and went travelling in Southeast Asia, where I have travelled myself so I could directly relate to the backpacking lifestyle and living abroad. Ultimately it was a good read but was still jumpy in places. It could have used more dialogue tags or spaces between scene changes. I found myself re-reading parts to figure out the who and what. I didn't get a deep sense of how Carlie had accepted her abuse, but I loved the tai chi stuff. I had no idea what tai chi was about. Some really lovely writing throughout, though, and a theme of how travel can help you find yourself. A hopeful, satisfying ending.

[Catherine Shields · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you enjoyed Laura Davis’s book The Burning Light of Two Stars, you must read Alle C. Hall’s debut novel, As Far As You Can Go Before You Have To Come Back. Readers will be immediately drawn into this intricate, dramatic story of the effects of childhood sexual abuse. There are elements of betrayal as we learn the well-kept family secret: That the abusers are Carlie’s, (the main character,) father and her father’s friends. Carlie tells us how she handled the situation, “When you sensed danger, you left for the ceiling. That’s when you found yourself looking down on yourself, thinking, look what’s happening to me. When it wasn’t so scary, you moved only to the side. The first time it happened in my room, I was reading in bed when there was a noise from the hall, then the sound of him paused in my doorway.”

Hall’s vivid scenes and descriptions kept me riveted to the page. Carlie escapes her abusers and plans a strategic exit. A savvy teenager, she maps out her scheme to travel to the furthest place she can imagine, a journey which begins in Hong Kong. Readers who enjoyed Krisitin Addis’s, A Thousand New Beginnings: Tales of Solo Female Travel Through Southeast Asia, can revisit Southeast Asia as Carlie navigates life on the run. We meet Cho and Ava, and journey along with Carlie as her new friends help her begin the healing process from her childhood trauma. The author threads a myriad of layers of connection, using Cho and Ava to guide us to the end of the story. The pacing of this novel was believable, laced with emotional, heart wrenching scenes. Hall delivers a satisfying ending.

[Christina · Rating 5 out of 5]

I got to read this book last summer. First, I couldn't put it down. It was my trusty companion for a few days. Second, when I wasn't reading it, I was thinking about it. It wasn't a case of, "What's going to happen?" It was more, "How is she going to get there?" I found myself pondering how my own journeys resembled hers (not so much, in fact, but in process, yes), and wondering if I would have found her courage had I had the same experiences. As a former high school teacher, I have witnessed the growth of hundreds of teens. This book is a guidebook for anyone who wants either to empathize with a teen who got dealt nasty cards, or for a teen who has to endure terrible trauma. The courage, the resourcefulness, the imagination, the love, the loyalty and the strength of the main character will stay with you.

[Helen Sullivan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow. Survive doesn't cover it... what a joy to read a character like Carlie. She doesn't just survive her childhood, she thrives: she travels, she learns, she is determined to find joy. And, what a voice. There is a lot of humor in this book. Carlie isn't a noble or long suffering heroine, she is more of a kick-ass and break things until she figures it out type- which make for a way better read. Her journey is epic, like Pip in Great Expectations by way of Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love. I love that not all of the men are bad and not all of the women are good in this book- the characters are complicated and quirky. This is an adventure story, some of the journey is interior, but there are plenty of locations and plot twists that keep you intrigued. We're mad as hell and we aren't going to take it anymore... and happiness is the best revenge.

[Cindie · Rating 5 out of 5]

It took me nearly a year to be able to read this. The subject matter is that intense and disturbing. The first few chapters are disjointed and painful, much like Jenny-Jen-Jen was feeling and speaking to the reader directly as a child in pain. It smoothed out as Jenny becomes Carlie and at first destroying her old self and then surviving and rescuing herself (with the help of others) and immersing herself in Tai Chi. I am sorry that I did not read this sooner, however, every reader needs to be in the space that can absorb the emotions and not drown in personal past trauma. There is no pretty picture here, there is pain, ugliness and suffering. But there is also strength and survival. I highly recommend this book, but also encourage the author to follow this one with more about the next chapter of Carlie's survival.

[Helen Latto · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 Stars
I felt a bit conned once I finished reading this and discovered that it was fiction. I really thought that I was reading an autobiography and some of the things in it were a little strange to me but I tried to put my feelings to the side because I haven’t been through any of this trauma so I can’t judge but now to find out it was fiction, I now think well maybe bits of this were written strangely at some points. But maybe there’s bits of truth in there so it’s hard to review and I did enjoy the second half of the book!

Thanks to Netgalley and the publishers for an advanced digital copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

[Crystal Otto · Rating 5 out of 5]

I absolutely enjoyed reading As Far As You Can Go Before You Have to Come Back by Alle C. Hall. I do have to be honest though - this book may not be for everyone. That said, it's inspiring and very well written. There is a trigger warning for child sexual abuse, every addiction you can imagine, and suicide - and if that doesn't take you too far out of your comfort zone - you'll love this book! This book will break your heart at times - but in the end you'll be inspired as Carlie finds hope and possibilities along her journey! Such a beautifully written journey - thank you Alle C. Hall for your bravery in sharing your journey!

[Cheryl Fish · Rating 5 out of 5]

This intense first-person narrative features a character named Carlie--we experience the fog of PTSD with her as a result of the trauma she's experienced as an incest and rape survivor. We follow Carlie's escape from her toxic parents, her struggles as a young woman traveling alone, and her settling in Japan. She finds a space of healing through Tai Chi and friendships with women even as she struggles with a bevy of addictions. Raw and bittersweet, Hall takes us on a trip through hell and shows how Carlie makes it out alive. A brave reckoning!