Reclaim Compassion: The Adoptive Parent's Guide to Overcoming Blocked Care with Neuroscience and Faith

by Lisa Qualls, Melissa Corkum

Shed your shame. Renew your hope. Rediscover the parent you know you can be.
Is your adoption journey turning out differently than you imagined? You had so much love to give, but now you feel ashamed and bewildered by your lack of compassion.

You may be experiencing blocked care—a self-protective mechanism in your nervous system that makes it difficult to connect with your child and maintain compassion. When it happens, it’s like your heart seems to have left the relationship. But the good news is you are not a bad parent. You can heal from blocked care, and compassion can be rekindled in your heart.

Written by two adoptive parents who have overcome blocked care, Reclaim Compassion answers the questions, “How did this happen?” and “Will it ever get better?” You’ll recognize yourself in the honest stories from the authors and other parents and come to realize that you are not alone.

Rooted in faith and backed by neuroscience, this practical and powerful guide offers a simple step-by-step process for reclaiming compassion for your child and yourself.“Lisa and Melissa’s holistic–brain, body, and spirit–approach to understanding and overcoming blocked care will lead you to personal healing and meaningful connection with your children. Every foster and adoptive parent should read this book!”
~Jamie Finn, author of Foster the Family, Director, Foster the Family

“Reclaim Compassion practically and compassionately addresses part of parenting that no one wants to talk about. Lisa C. Qualls and Melissa Corkum are the go-to experts on blocked care, and this book is proof. No one understands it better than they do. We can't recommend this book enough!"
~Mike and Kristin Berry, hosts of The Honestly Adoption Podcast, coauthors of Securely AttachedLisa C. Qualls and Melissa Corkum serve thousands of adoptive parents by providing post-adoption support through their podcast, books, speaking, and coaching.

Genres: Adoption, Parenting, Fostering, Nonfiction, Christian, Psychology

178 pages, Kindle Edition

Published February 27, 2023

About the author

Lisa Qualls is the author of The Connected Parent: Real-Life Strategies for Building Trust and Attachment. She and her husband, Russ, are the parents of twelve children by birth and adoption, and sometimes more through foster care.

She is the creator of the One Thankful Mom website and a popular speaker at events for adoptive and foster parents. She is also the co-founder of The Adoption Connection, a podcast and resource site for adoptive moms. Lisa mentors and encourages adoptive parents so they can find courage and hope in their journeys of loving their children well.

Reviews

[Jenny White · Rating 4 out of 5]

**I am not an adoptive parent** but work with adoptive parents and families.

I picked up this book to 1) vet it before recommending to clients’ parents and 2) to try to reclaim compassion within myself for adoptive parents experiencing blocked care and work through some of my biases. A couple of thoughts:

-The authors note that the book is written from a Christian perspective but open to all. It is definitely a Christian book (which is fine and good!) but it does limit the families I’d recommend it to.
-The authors recommend reading one chapter a week and include 5 days of challenges/activities to implement. I really appreciate this! I could imagine readers thinking the suggestions are too simple, but that’s what makes them doable and powerful.
-There are many snippets from adoptive parents who share their honest thoughts, feelings, and experiences. The intent is to reduce shame and isolation for the reader and I think it works.

Most importantly, I appreciate a book written to adoptive parents about the necessity of tending to themselves in order to stay connected to their child. This quote sums it up: “The key to overcoming blocked care and regaining compassion for your child is experiencing what your child also needs—nurture and felt safety.” (Pg 94)

[Shelly King · Rating 5 out of 5]

Neuroscience and faith. I've struggled for seven years to find a book that made this claim. Not an easy read, I'm not on an easy road. But I would 100% recommend this book to anyone who is in the middle of the hard of adoptive life.

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

I had heard about blocked care before during an adoption training last year. It was the first I had heard this term and it described my experience perfectly. I was so excited to come across Lisa and Melissa's book when I started researching support for myself in this area. My daughter has been with us for 8 years, coming to us at the age of 6. It's been a long road and we are still struggling. I am just in the beginning 3 chapters of the book and I already have been brought to tears. The grief and shame I have held onto so long is bubbling to the surface. I get so wrapped up in my daughter's behavior that I have blocked these feelings, just being in survival mode. I have such gratitude for the way this book supports and holds you compassionately and gives you the knowledge that you are not alone. Not only that, but there is hope and a way to navigate life with your child! I love the areas of reflection which allows for processing the information and the faith based lens for which to take on this journey. I had really thought I was ready to give up. My heart, though at the moment is breaking in a million pieces, it is just what I needed. I look forward to finishing the book and see where it leads. Definitely a must read for all adoption parents at any stage of your adoption journey. For we know that all adoption starts with loss.

[Caroline Ellis · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really appreciated this whole book. A very timely read for me and our situation. I especially appreciated that she not only gave spiritual encouragement and exhortation to meditate on the Word, turn to the Lord, but explained that biologically there is something happening and that there are practical things you can do to move out of “blocked care”.

I love this book as a resource, but also don’t want to use it as a crutch like “oh well, I’m in blocked care…” but genuinely use it as a means to move forward.

This book did make me feel less crazy and I also really appreciated the many examples from not only adopted children but adoptive parents.

[Christy Littleton Davis · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book! It has practical tips for parents that I believe are beneficial to all parents, not just foster/adoptive parents. It was a very encouraging read. It first pointed us back to remember why we started the foster/adoption journey, and a reminder to rely on God for help. Each chapter gives some very easy, practical ways to simplify life, reflect on the gifts God gives us, and ways to connect with others for support and ways to better connect with our kids. I would suggest reading even if you don't feel like you fit in the category of someone with "blocked care". The things they have you reflect on apply to any parent who feels a bit worn out and needs a boost of encouragement.

[Jasmine · Rating 5 out of 5]

So so so good, highly recommend for any foster or adoptive parents or those who love them.

[Liza · Rating 4 out of 5]

I suspect I will return to this one often.

[Kristi Powers · Rating 5 out of 5]

Out of all the books I have read through this fostering time of our lives, this one was the best.

Truly hits me where I am at and such practical and great and biblical advice.

Excellent.

[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

Recommending to all my foster parent/adoptive parent friends. I so appreciated all of the anecdotes (from both the authors, as well as other parents) in addition to practical advice. The biblical principles were evident and the neuroscience was just enough that I felt many times catching myself say, “oh, that’s really interesting!” without feeling it was too wordy or over my head. Think: neuroscience that’s not “out there” and unrelatable but rather something that puts a name to emotions you likely will experience as a foster/adoptive parent.

It’s one of the best adoption books out there. With that being said, I would not recommend this to anyone who wants to become a foster/adoptive parent. It would be too much. Instead, come to this book when you’re in the throes of navigating trauma with your child or just when you’re experiencing a painful period in your life AS a foster/adoptive parent. The content of the book will then make much more sense.

Also-I will add that I purchased this over a year and a half ago. I read bits and pieces over a year ago, and then finally felt like I needed to really dive deep into reading this book for advice. I can’t wait to do the journaling part (I read right through instead of doing the journaling, but plan to do one each week over the course of the next year) and am really feeling both validated and inspired.

[Histteach24 · Rating 3 out of 5]

I loved the podcast and was really excited to read this book. It took me awhile because I did try to stop and do the activities. My turnoff was the religion. I am not the type of person who stops to "pray on it". I wanted more of a science based rationale. Overall there a good strategies to fall back on. My blocked care rating went down after reading this book with others as well as seeking help from an adoption therapist.

[Jess · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was insightful and encouraging. It fills me with hope to know that I can overcome blocked care. "There is a cost to being used by God. You cannot enter a child's suffering without suffering in some way too. Trauma is messy and spills over onto the ones willing to come near. Yet you have immersed yourself in it in the name of love."

[Myra Loy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really good read and concept. I think a lot of parents of neurodivergent kiddos could possibly relate to this book....if they can look past the adoption specific parts. Ultimately gave one less star because I think I got more out of the book because I was able to listen to the author speak about it first. I'm not sure it stands as strongly on its own.

[Mary Rachel Fenrick · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was such a helpful and healing read. Struggling with blocked care with our oldest adopted daughter, I have often felt alone and discouraged. This book gave me hope and courage and helped me realize that other adoptive parents feel the exact same things at times.

[Mike McDonald · Rating 4 out of 5]

My wife found and started this book the way it's supposed to be read, over several weeks. I read the whole thing in one sitting, but am still looking forward to working through this with my her over the next few weeks. Cautiously optimistic it will help with some of our current struggles...

[Kristin Rowland · Rating 5 out of 5]

Incredibly helpful book. Adoption is complicated. So much loss and love and sorrow and joy. Yet, we wouldn’t miss it for the world! We don’t fully have what it takes but we know the One who does. Praise the Lord!

[Jess McDonald · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a wonderful devotional and guide during six very hard months of parenting. It really did help me work to turn my heart towards my child. Unfortunately our story does not have a happy ending (yet!) and the book is no longer applicable in our situation.

[Anda · Rating 5 out of 5]

The book does not replace family counseling, but it is a great refresher! Very encouraging for those who need to remember their why. Practical advice and great activities to help when things start to get tough.

[Bonnie Myers · Rating 5 out of 5]

An excellent resource for parents of kiddos from trauma backgrounds. Non-shaming, uplifting, and a dose of hope. I’ll keep coming back to this for encouragement.

[Jenni Jex · Rating 4 out of 5]

The last chapter was my favorite. Practical advice for reconnecting with a child with whom you’ve experienced blocked care. The spaces to journal throughout was helpful in healing.

[Elizabeth Ray · Rating 5 out of 5]

Love the practical advice offered in this book and the brain science to back it up!

[Ruth Meyer · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best books on adoption. Honest read from other parents who have adopted. Highly recommended this book.

[Katie Halpin · Rating 4 out of 5]

A combo of neuroscience and faith. A good workbook to accompany any foster or adoptive parent’s journey.

[Michelle Warner · Rating 3 out of 5]

It's a quick read which is perfect for the families it is designed to reach! if you are looking for research and more educational materials, look toward others such as Dr Perry and beyond.

[Cindy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great resource for foster/adoptive/kinship parents who are struggling with the task of raising children from hard places