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STRONG: A Relationship Field Guide for the Modern Man
The traditional roles of men and women in relationships are changing rapidly, and men are looking for ways to distinguish themselves as high-value partners in the current relationship landscape.
A Relationship Field Guide for the Modern Man distills the existing research on mental health and relationship science into the six essential green flags a modern woman is looking for in a man.
In this book, you will
• Self-regulation skills for healthy conflict
• Tips for increasing your emotional connection
• The types of sexual desire and tips on nurturing pleasure
• The five love languages and how you and your partner may differ
• The four positions of a constructive conversation
• Tools for repair after conflict
• The role of attachment styles and trauma in relationships
. . . and so much more.
STRONG provides the motivated modern man with immediately applicable tools and skills to step up his relational game and come out on top.
A Relationship Field Guide for the Modern Man distills the existing research on mental health and relationship science into the six essential green flags a modern woman is looking for in a man.
In this book, you will
• Self-regulation skills for healthy conflict
• Tips for increasing your emotional connection
• The types of sexual desire and tips on nurturing pleasure
• The five love languages and how you and your partner may differ
• The four positions of a constructive conversation
• Tools for repair after conflict
• The role of attachment styles and trauma in relationships
. . . and so much more.
STRONG provides the motivated modern man with immediately applicable tools and skills to step up his relational game and come out on top.
- GenresPsychology
287 pages, Kindle Edition
Published February 26, 2023
19 people are currently reading
39 people want to read
About the author
Kristal DeSantis
1 book1 followerMy passion has been relationships since day one and so I focused on learning all the things that pertained to healthy relationships. I studied Gottman Marital Therapy, Emotionally Focused Couples’ Therapy, Premarital Counseling, Attachment Styles, and Sex Therapy. Another focus area of mine was working with veterans and first responders, so I also became certified as a Clinical Trauma Professional, and received EMDR training.
I am most proud of creating the STRONG Model of Relational Therapy which is a trauma-informed, attachment-based approach to couples’ therapy. It blends a skills-forward, structured approach with a somatic, trauma-informed base of safety and connection. I have had the opportunity to train other therapists in this model, and my book for men -STRONG: A Relationship Guide for the Modern Man is my first book!
I am most proud of creating the STRONG Model of Relational Therapy which is a trauma-informed, attachment-based approach to couples’ therapy. It blends a skills-forward, structured approach with a somatic, trauma-informed base of safety and connection. I have had the opportunity to train other therapists in this model, and my book for men -STRONG: A Relationship Guide for the Modern Man is my first book!
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Displaying 1 - 7 of 7 reviews
May 5, 2023
STRONG NOTES
What is the one takeaway you had from the book?
Function based relationships (someone to fulfill a function - what can you do for me) vs connection based relationships (I want you based on who you are to me) - CALEB RECOMMENDS STARS AND THE MOON
Protect Provide and Procreate as the traditional ideas of masculinity - the complementary roles of women are no longer as wanted
Appreciate the candor that you cannot speak from a man’s experience, however you have worked with relationships and are a therapist
Appreciate you providing a clear acronym and outline of the book early on
STR - Foundations and Survival
ONG - Thriving in Relationships
“How to be a green flag” - love this
Great job including the resources for IPV Support
SAFETY
Safety Questions
Do you know how to regulate your body when you are in a fight with your partner?
Are there emotions or feelings that you are uncomfortable with? (ENDING WITH PREPOSITION )
Can you articulate why you chose your partner?
What are the Markers of Safety in your relationship?
Stability - creating a stable environment to work on a relationship
Self Regulation - calming your body during a conflict
Self Expression - accepting and connecting to emotions to be able to share them
Self Awareness - understanding why in relationship
SUGGESTED EDIT: I would say that 90% of couples —> 90% of my couples clients *first way doesn’t sound as confident in my opinion
TYPO: “hello?” *not capitalized in phone call with client
“If someone is drowning, the first thing to do is throw them a life preserver, not teach them to swim.”
Commentary- Ashley asking for “more time” after having an affair…YIKES
LIKE - multiplication not addition for the equation of a healthy relationship
HIGHLY SUGGESTED EDIT - Health and stability talks about what leads to mental health issues and trauma is mentioned twice. Consolidate the two traumas and add in hereditary.
IDEA: When reading about SAMSHA: I’ve seen people when they list resources in books list them at the end of chapters and with a QR scanner code. I think that would be a cool addition. I think it makes the resource seem more accessible. The way the previous author did it was through their own site so if the link ever changed, the author could link to the new place rather than having to reprint the book. I hope this makes sense.
TYPO: STABILIZING THE SCENE= ENVIRONMENTAL SAFETY - *need a space after scene
LIKE - “Under stress - we regress”
“Choreplay” as opposed to foreplay- Haha!
“I help people have high stakes conversations in a safe way.” - stealing this!
Flop as opposed to fawn - like it
“You can’t tell your partner what you don’t know about yourself.” - get to know your triggers
Trauma definition - an experience that made you feel physical or emotional pain coupled with a sense of fear or helplessness
“Recognize that your body safety is something that you are in charge of and NO ONE ELSE.” - I like this return of responsibility!
TYPO - Page 40 “dysregulated”. Needs a space after
Looking for signs of activation and address the beginnings of dysregulation
LIKE - Mirror Neurons and herd agitation example
COMMENT: I love the idea of a TLDR section at the end of chapters, however this TLDR seems to be introducing some new concepts and questions rather than providing a summary.
Trauma is mental injury not mental illness
Triggers - what are your pain points? What are your partners pain points?
Emotions are not the problem in a relationship. Denying the emotions is the problem.
TRUST
Belief is a gift you choose to give. Trust is earned.
Empathy is different than explanation
Being able to explain the value behind the boundary
When only one of you wins in a conflict, the loser is the relationship.
Listening
Joining
Fixing
Debating
Divorce is 50/50. Marriage is 100/100.
20 min outside once a week
5 hours a month in nature
3 days a year in nature
- [ ]
What is the one takeaway you had from the book?
Function based relationships (someone to fulfill a function - what can you do for me) vs connection based relationships (I want you based on who you are to me) - CALEB RECOMMENDS STARS AND THE MOON
Protect Provide and Procreate as the traditional ideas of masculinity - the complementary roles of women are no longer as wanted
Appreciate the candor that you cannot speak from a man’s experience, however you have worked with relationships and are a therapist
Appreciate you providing a clear acronym and outline of the book early on
STR - Foundations and Survival
ONG - Thriving in Relationships
“How to be a green flag” - love this
Great job including the resources for IPV Support
SAFETY
Safety Questions
Do you know how to regulate your body when you are in a fight with your partner?
Are there emotions or feelings that you are uncomfortable with? (ENDING WITH PREPOSITION )
Can you articulate why you chose your partner?
What are the Markers of Safety in your relationship?
Stability - creating a stable environment to work on a relationship
Self Regulation - calming your body during a conflict
Self Expression - accepting and connecting to emotions to be able to share them
Self Awareness - understanding why in relationship
SUGGESTED EDIT: I would say that 90% of couples —> 90% of my couples clients *first way doesn’t sound as confident in my opinion
TYPO: “hello?” *not capitalized in phone call with client
“If someone is drowning, the first thing to do is throw them a life preserver, not teach them to swim.”
Commentary- Ashley asking for “more time” after having an affair…YIKES
LIKE - multiplication not addition for the equation of a healthy relationship
HIGHLY SUGGESTED EDIT - Health and stability talks about what leads to mental health issues and trauma is mentioned twice. Consolidate the two traumas and add in hereditary.
IDEA: When reading about SAMSHA: I’ve seen people when they list resources in books list them at the end of chapters and with a QR scanner code. I think that would be a cool addition. I think it makes the resource seem more accessible. The way the previous author did it was through their own site so if the link ever changed, the author could link to the new place rather than having to reprint the book. I hope this makes sense.
TYPO: STABILIZING THE SCENE= ENVIRONMENTAL SAFETY - *need a space after scene
LIKE - “Under stress - we regress”
“Choreplay” as opposed to foreplay- Haha!
“I help people have high stakes conversations in a safe way.” - stealing this!
Flop as opposed to fawn - like it
“You can’t tell your partner what you don’t know about yourself.” - get to know your triggers
Trauma definition - an experience that made you feel physical or emotional pain coupled with a sense of fear or helplessness
“Recognize that your body safety is something that you are in charge of and NO ONE ELSE.” - I like this return of responsibility!
TYPO - Page 40 “dysregulated”. Needs a space after
Looking for signs of activation and address the beginnings of dysregulation
LIKE - Mirror Neurons and herd agitation example
COMMENT: I love the idea of a TLDR section at the end of chapters, however this TLDR seems to be introducing some new concepts and questions rather than providing a summary.
Trauma is mental injury not mental illness
Triggers - what are your pain points? What are your partners pain points?
Emotions are not the problem in a relationship. Denying the emotions is the problem.
TRUST
Belief is a gift you choose to give. Trust is earned.
Empathy is different than explanation
Being able to explain the value behind the boundary
When only one of you wins in a conflict, the loser is the relationship.
Listening
Joining
Fixing
Debating
Divorce is 50/50. Marriage is 100/100.
20 min outside once a week
5 hours a month in nature
3 days a year in nature
- [ ]
November 10, 2023
"You have probably heard of the Golden Rule: treat others the way you want to be treated. The problem is that it assumes that other people want to be treated the same way you do. But the thing is: not everyone is like you! I much prefer the Platinum Rule: treat others the way they want to be treated."
This (edited) excerpt from the book is pretty much the base of the book.
Both men and women have different psychological ways to handle differences. And when partners fail to understand their better half, their relationship starts dying.
STRONG is essentially a book on relationship psychology. It's target audience is men, though.
It talks about six essential traits of a man for a healthy relationship. Author packaged it into the acronym: STRONG. And she has done a good job, I'll say.
Although much of the content is common sense, it still felt the book can be an essential guidebook to many. Not everyone has this common sense, you know.
With case stories and anecdotes, STRONG has explained what a partner should be like in a relationship. A bit repetitive at a few places. Still, nowhere it slows you down with fluffy jargon.
You might feel a change in yourself, while reading the book... evaluating yourself. And that's a good thing. Be willing to change is a green flag.
A good-read for anyone getting into a relationship/marriage, even if you have a lot of common sense. You aren't aware of yourself at all times. And even a small not-so-apparent mistake can be disaster.
STRONG is a good guide to understand how to put checks and balances in place.
This (edited) excerpt from the book is pretty much the base of the book.
Both men and women have different psychological ways to handle differences. And when partners fail to understand their better half, their relationship starts dying.
STRONG is essentially a book on relationship psychology. It's target audience is men, though.
It talks about six essential traits of a man for a healthy relationship. Author packaged it into the acronym: STRONG. And she has done a good job, I'll say.
Although much of the content is common sense, it still felt the book can be an essential guidebook to many. Not everyone has this common sense, you know.
With case stories and anecdotes, STRONG has explained what a partner should be like in a relationship. A bit repetitive at a few places. Still, nowhere it slows you down with fluffy jargon.
You might feel a change in yourself, while reading the book... evaluating yourself. And that's a good thing. Be willing to change is a green flag.
A good-read for anyone getting into a relationship/marriage, even if you have a lot of common sense. You aren't aware of yourself at all times. And even a small not-so-apparent mistake can be disaster.
STRONG is a good guide to understand how to put checks and balances in place.
May 12, 2025
A must-read for dads who want to lift their game at home
Strong by Kristal DeSantis is a down-to-earth, genuinely helpful read for fathers who want to build better relationships—with their partners, their kids, and themselves. Her STRONG framework lays it all out in a way that’s easy to follow and actually makes sense. No fluff, no hard to follow jargon—just straight-up tools that work.
What really hits home is how practical it is. Kristal respects where men are coming from and offers real, actionable steps to shift old habits and start showing up differently. If you're a dad keen to lead with more strength and connection, this book will give you the clarity and direction to do it.
Strong by Kristal DeSantis is a down-to-earth, genuinely helpful read for fathers who want to build better relationships—with their partners, their kids, and themselves. Her STRONG framework lays it all out in a way that’s easy to follow and actually makes sense. No fluff, no hard to follow jargon—just straight-up tools that work.
What really hits home is how practical it is. Kristal respects where men are coming from and offers real, actionable steps to shift old habits and start showing up differently. If you're a dad keen to lead with more strength and connection, this book will give you the clarity and direction to do it.
November 30, 2023
Finished this last night . What a terrific book! I think anyone who has a relationship with a person (ie everyone) could benefit. It gives the tools and language to work with people, not just romantic relationships. As a father, husband, boyfriend, coworker, or friend. I started reading it as a bit of research but know I will use the things it has taught me in all aspects of my life. Wonderful book. I know I’ll revisit it. And quite likely reread it again in full many times. Not everything inside will apply to you, but some might, and that will be invaluable! Do yourself a favour and read it.
December 3, 2023
This was a very well written guide for men who are in relationships or looking for one! I thought the author provided excellent modern examples and the "green flag" system is ingenious. So many relationship guides are focused on negatives and red flags, that it was wonderful to read a guide which explained what exactly ARE people looking for in their partners. Very well written and relevant and I highly recommend it!
December 10, 2024
Want to build a healthy relationship, with the right values? Read this book. It is powerful medicine and while it's primarily been written for men, the advice applies to anyone. I found this book at the right time and it really helped me create a framework for the intentional relationship I want to build in my life.
November 10, 2024
What a banger of a book. I would give it 6 stars if I could. It’s easy to read and profound in content. In my opinion, this book is the best resource for men health I’ve ever read.
Displaying 1 - 7 of 7 reviews