Difficult People

by Rebecca Ray

An explosive boss, a controlling boyfriend, a gaslighting colleague, an interfering mother-in-law, a friend who talks only about herself - we all know them, but how do we deal with them?

Difficult people take over our lives. They live rent-free in our heads. We steel ourselves before we meet them. We can't relax when we are with them. We ruminate on their behaviour after they've gone. They harvest our empathy and operate without regard for our feelings.

In Difficult People, Dr Rebecca Ray shows us how to recognise (and understand) difficult people and provides us with practical strategies for self-preservation. From learning when to say no, limiting contact and managing our reactions, to knowing when to walk away for good.

With her expertise, insight and guidance, we learn to understand how and when another person's behaviour puts our psychological safety at risk and what steps we can take to restore our boundaries.

Compassionate, honest and authoritative, this is your complete guide to getting your life back from the grip of a difficult relationship, and learning how to avoid them in the future.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Audiobook, Health

368 pages, Paperback

First published May 1, 2023

About the author

Dr Rebecca Ray is a clinical psychologist, author and speaker who helps big-picture-thinking people master their psychology. Over the course of two decades of consultations, speaking events, books, and audio, she has encouraged thousands of humans making an impact on the world to live a life that's fulfilling, unapologetic, and free.

Beck’s expertise as a professional zig-zagger sets her apart as one of Australia’s most in-demand and authoritative voices in the personal development space. Her science-backed, hard and heart truth approach is uniquely informed by her pivots from pilot to psychologist, from dating men to marrying a woman, and from being burnt out to bestselling author.

Beck is the author of six books, including Be Happy, The Art of Self-Kindness, The Universe Listens to Brave, Setting Boundaries, Small Habits for a Big Life, and Difficult People (released in May 2023).

She lives in the soul-fed hills of the Sunshine Coast in Queensland with the great loves of her life: her wife Nyssa, son Bennett, two rescue Irish Setters and one gangly Weimaraner.

Reviews

[Krystal · Rating 4 out of 5]

A compassionate, insightful read on how to deal with the difficult people in your life.

Brilliant.

I found a really great paragraph towards the end of the book that sums it up perfectly:

...this is not about fixing you so the difficult person can get away with whatever they want. Instead, it's about helping you develop resilience in the face of a person who is unlikely to change (or who hasn't shown signs of improvement in your dealings with them).

The book explores different types of difficult people and provides insight into how they may have become so. It then outlines ways to protect yourself and your boundaries while empowering you to take control of your own reactions and feelings towards them. It will give you a peek into the inner workings of the minds of difficult people, but it may also surprisingly show you elements of your own behaviour that might be considered difficult.

It's a comprehensive guide that takes the time to explore different personality types and emphasises compassion when dealing not just with difficult people, but also yourself. There's a perfect balance of respecting others while setting clear boundaries, and it's nurturing but firm.

I am fortunate to not have too many truly difficult people in my life, but even still there were moments when the truth hit close to home and it became quite tough to push through. That's about the only thing that slowed me down, and even then it wasn't for long. I was fascinated learning about the different elements that contribute to difficult behaviours and appreciated the examples that made clear any lingering confusion of meanings. There are plenty of tables, bullet point lists and diagrams that make everything easily digestible, as well as a summary at the end of each chapter. I found some parts a little long, but I also know I'll appreciate the thoroughness when I need to return to those particular explanations.

A truly thoughtful, empathetic guide to protecting yourself from difficult people whilst also understanding why they might behave as they do. I really appreciated the kindness and honesty behind these words and I know this is a book I'll return to often.

With thanks to Macmillan for a copy

[Benjamin Stahl · Rating 4 out of 5]

I always take a bit of a risk whenever - on rare occasion - I decide to read a book focussed on self-development. For whatever reason, the people who write these kinds of books have a tendency to annoy me, they are almost always from far left of field (non-everything-traditional and proud of it, "spiritual but not religious" with accompanying array of magic crystals), and I just find them painful to listen to. Maybe I do have a shred of masculinity in me after all, as I just get antsy with the way these people treat their fellow adults with kid-gloves, acting like we're all a bunch of toddlers always on the verge of having a meltdown if something triggers us. Maybe I'm just extremely privileged that I do not carry any trauma and live a life relatively free of anything amounting to real struggle. I've got my shit to deal with, as do all people. But damned if I could ever lodge a legitimate complaint about my lot.

So, perhaps this book (as with most in the genre of pulling yourself back together) are not written for the likes of me. All the same, the subject of this book - dealing with difficult people (or assholes) - does have a broader appeal, does it not?

Although I began this book with some apprehension, listening to Dr Ray's short novel about her privilege, where she also painstakingly covers the prerequisite lip service towards First Nations people, the bulk of the book is actually very good. It does exactly what it sets to do, providing a range of social situations in which difficult people and behaviour may cause one distress or anguish. Wholly free of judgement or arrogance, and with a warm and humorous personality (I would actually recommend listening to the Audible version, narrated by Ray herself), this book provides readers with the tools for handling difficult interpersonal challenges with understanding, patience, courage and honesty.

Happily recommended if you have a toxic relationship with your boss, your partner, your parents, your siblings, your friends and your neighbours. Or hell, even yourself.

[Bec · Rating 4 out of 5]

“I don’t want your healing to be dependent on someone else.”

When I saw this book I was instantly drawn to it. At some point we all have someone difficult in our lives and this book really get down to the nitty gritty and uncomfortable topics to help guide you through practical strategies for dealing with said people. Learn to say no, place sturdy boundaries and learning when to walk away to put your feelings first.

I found Ray to be so real and relatable (to readable in chapters) what I took from this was better ways to understand and identify other peoples behaviours and how to avoid or manage them in the future.

Dr Rebecca Ray is one bad ass woman, clinical psychologist, author, speaker, podcaster, wife, mother and dog mum! Definitely one a lot of people should add to their shelves.

[Tracey Allen at Carpe Librum · Rating 3 out of 5]

Living on the Sunshine Coast of Australia, Dr Rebecca Ray is a clinical psychologist and author of several books, including her latest published in 2023, Difficult People - Dealing with the Bad Behaviour of Difficult People. Dr Ray outlines various difficult people and helpfully provides examples of what their behaviour might look like and the form it can take in real life. When providing advice around the setting of boundaries for particular personality types and situations, the author also gives several examples and suggestions of dialogue the reader can try in those situations.

What would have elevated the book for me would have been dialogue examples for the mildly concerning situations as well as the highly intense and potentially dangerous scenarios. Taking it one step further, if the author had presented them with an escalation in her tone to reflect the appropriate seriousness, I believe this would have provided a deeper and much needed resource for readers. Put simply, some of the suggestions were too nice and a sedate approach doesn't work for all recipients.

Choosing to narrate the audiobook herself was an inspired choice and the occasional laugh and self acknowledgement was a relatable touch. I could almost imagine myself on Dr Ray's consulting couch or therapy lounge as she spoke in general terms about psychological safety and how best to preserve it.

Dr Ray readily acknowledged the reader may have come across this particular book because they themselves are a difficult person, and in doing so, managed to make everyone feel welcome and seen without judgement.

Having read more than 50 self help books about personality types, relationships, communication and psychology over the years, this book wasn't able to offer me anything new on the topic, however I did enjoy the Australian perspective and the refresher on boundaries didn't hurt.

Difficult People - Dealing with the Bad Behaviour of Difficult People by Dr Rebecca Ray is best suited for readers new to self help books and the topics of communication, managing relationships and conflict.

[Jodi Rachael · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some good tidbits, however by 87% I was bored so DNF.

[Joano · Rating 5 out of 5]

The following review is based on the audiobook version read by the author.

This book is a useful insight into dealing with difficult people. The book describes the types of difficult people personality traits. Why they are difficult and techniques and language to use when dealing with difficult people.

Generally, a “difficult person” is one that uses actions continuously to belittle someone so that they feel bad about themselves. The person feels a sense of worthlessness, where no matter what they do, nothing changes or improves the situation.

The book can be used in two ways- dealing with difficult people or are you coming a difficult person. In extreme cases, it would be wise to cut off difficult people. However, this is not the case if people are members of your family.

I recommend this book for those who feel there is a difficult person in their life and in need of guidance on how to move forward. Long term pressure from difficult people can lead to emotional abuse.

[Emer Libra · Rating 5 out of 5]

100 pages in and I cried on the train realising it was never my fault. Yes I did not respond in the best way but this person used almost every archetype behaviour tactic. And with the present reflects the past.

Child me didn't deserve to deal with an adult playing controlling games with me instead of fostering a safe and nurturing space.

Highly recommend to people who grew up with poor boundaries and cannot swallow reading the word abuse. I came across this book in a library after an oddly upsetting experience with a librarian (??? Haha....) and I'm so so happy I came across this book. What a relief. I will leave a better review after I finish it but so far I feel so free. I'm free.

The clarity and the objectivity of it without assigning blame merely stating the person and their incapability to engage in healthier communication skills is such a relief. It made the decision easier to never go back to that person.

Thank you. Thank you. I wish that person can one day grow but I will not put myself in that area with others. May peace prevail and this world be better for everyone in it.

I don't have much time to read other than on the train but now listening the audiobook from the start then I have hands free to get many a things done at home that requires my hands but not much thinking haha.

[Maggie Symonds · Rating 3 out of 5]

An interesting book. I think I took some good messages from this book, and the importance of boundaries. It was good to learn about some healthy ways in which you can diffuse arguments, and how to not be inflammatory in your communication. It was also interesting to look at one’s own life, childhood, attachment styles and how you approach situations in different ways. It was also good to highlight that words commonly used today /
e.g. gaslighting/ bipolar/ toxic/ ocd… can be overused in the wrong situations, taking away from their true meaning. The section on PTSD I did not necessarily agree with. Given a trauma response is personal, you cannot tell someone what is a small trauma/ big trauma or define this into categories (big T/ little t), as trauma is defined by the individuals reaction to whatever has happened, based on coping mechanisms and previous experience .

[Nicki Kendall · Rating 4 out of 5]

An insightful and interesting read, this book explores different types of difficult people and provides an understanding of how they may have become so difficult. It also provides ways to protect yourself and your boundaries when dealing with these people and how to empower yourself to take control of your reactions and feelings towards them. Its a great read for anyone struggling to deal with people in their lives that they are finding difficult to handle and also for anyone just wanting further insight into what makes people who have a reputation of being difficult tick. #difficultpeople #rebeccaray #macmillanaustralia #selfhelp #goodreads #thestorygraph #tea_sipping_bookworm #getlitsy #bookqueeen #bookstagram

[Maëla Cyr · Rating 3 out of 5]

« if we fail to hold people responsible for their actions, even when we love them, then we give up our power to heal. »

I really appreciated reading about the archetypes and attachment styles. My problem with this book (and most self-help books) is that it was repetitive and I could easily skip whole section (part 2 specifically) and not miss any new information.

[Sammy · Rating 5 out of 5]

It’s a trend to call bad behaviour narcissistic- It’s an easy cop out. This excellent book tells you to pause and do some self reflection- adjust your own perspective. Bad behaviour is a coping mechanism- it’s a learned reaction. Awesome book! Everyone needs to read this book! Especially TEENS!

[Clirissa Le Feuvre · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such an insightful read, Dr Ray does an exceptional job explaining how the archetypes intertwine with the attachment styles. This book couldn’t have come into my hands at a better time. I have really taken a lot from this book.

[Carolyn Coote · Rating 5 out of 5]

Probably the best book I have ever read in understanding why some people do what they do to cause psychological harm to others. Rebecca offers practical advice on how to manage yourself in relation to difficult people and situations.

[Jen · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars- audiobook on Borrowbox. Lots of great content. Diagrams, summaries etc from the book can be downloaded from author’s website but I have not done this. Narrated well by author, except the number of times ‘quote -unquote’ was repeated in each chapter became annoying.

[Jacquie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Rebecca Ray has the best strategies to guide you on navigating different human interactions in a professional manner. Love her advice.

[Amba · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read. Everyone has difficult people in their lives, sometimes we are the difficult person. This book helps manage them.

[Kerry Staff · Rating 4 out of 5]

I need to buy this book so I have it as a reference!!!

[Jake The Stripper · Rating 3 out of 5]

Great to help build on existing knowledge. Not a gospel by any means but absolutely worth the read.

[Elisha · Rating 5 out of 5]

A good one for learning about or reasserting the importance of psychological safety in relationships. I really got a lot out of the distinction between difficult and dangerous people, and what separates a difficult person from someone having a hard time. Ray's writing is very easy to understand, and the real life examples and exercise are really useful. The chapters on boundaries are great but I would like to read her book on that too.