Face to Face: Knowing God beyond Our Shame

by Stephen Freeman

From advertising to social media, from trauma survival to keeping up with the Joneses, shame is deeply embedded in our culture and our psyches, directing much of our behavior from far behind the scenes. But is all shame bad? Popular author and speaker Fr. Stephen Freeman explores the roots and meaning of both toxic and healthy shame, revealing the crucial importance of this understanding for our relationship with God.

Genres: Psychology, Spirituality, Christianity, Christian

146 pages, Kindle Edition

Published March 6, 2023

Reviews

[Marsha Raasch · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've read Fr. Stephen Freeman's blog , listened to his sermons , and had many conversations with him over the years. This book distills his many years of observing and listening to people wrestle with issues, dealing with and healing from his own (as we all must), and the exhaustive theological, clinical, and biological study of shame and how it shows up in our lives.
Extremely accessible and easy to read, this book is nevertheless best read in small portions to understand and (let's be honest) deal with triggers you may have around shame.
Fr. Stephen leaves us with hope, not a wallowing in shame or positive thinking hope, but one that includes both gratitude, humility, and love....and the outstretched hand and understanding gaze of Christ.

[Navel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fr. Stephen does an excellent job highlighting how faulty views of Christianity lead to needless shame that can be life crippling and spiritually damaging. He shows how a healthy amount of shame allows the Christian walk to be tempered in a healthy way that allows us to know God deeper and deeper day by day.

[Nat (Photini) C. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Father Stephen gives us a good summary of the importance of shame, how it influences our behavior, and how it is central to our worship of God. He dives deep sometimes, but never gets into the weeds. The last chapter is extremely convicting and excellent.

[Jason · Rating 5 out of 5]

In "Face to Face: Knowing God beyond Our Shame," Father Stephen Freeman delivers a powerful exploration of shame, its varying forms, and its profound impact on our lives. The book begins with a thought-provoking introduction that sets the stage for the subsequent chapters. Freeman eloquently states, "Shame can be healthy or it can be toxic. Healthy shame describes the emotional experience of boundaries... It gives us vital information." This distinction between healthy and toxic shame forms the foundation for the enlightening journey that follows.

Here is a lengthy quote from the introductory chapter that sets the context for the rest of the book:

"Shame can be healthy or it can be toxic. Healthy shame describes the emotional experience of boundaries. It gives signals of vulnerability, nakedness, a desire to hide or protect oneself, or a sense of not-belonging and exposure. These responses can be described as "healthy" in that they are necessary or our well-being. Just as the sense of touch can warn us about the presence of heat,
so healthy shame warns us of emotional and social danger. It gives us vital information.

Toxic shame describes the experience of shame gone wild. Rather than being an emotional signal of a boundary, toxic shame is the result of shame as an identity. Such shame is incorporated into the person we experience ourselves to be. As such, it distorts who we are and becomes a foundation for emotional sickness and destructive behaviors. Toxic shame is generally a result of trauma and abuse, both of which magnify the normative experience of healthy shame into a relentless identity that begins to smother our ability to manage shameful feelings."

Throughout the book, Fr Stephen skillfully delves into the concept of shame, offering valuable insights and perspectives. He challenges the traditional Western views of sin as a crime and instead presents it in the Eastern Christian view as a malady in need of healing. By reframing sin as an illness, he encourages readers to seek the necessary spiritual medicine rather than dwelling on punitive measures. Is sin a crime, or a disease? If it is a crime, then there must be punishment, and we will think of ourselves as criminals. If it's a malady, then we are ill and in need of medicine. This simple question changes so much - going to confession in a criminal model is to look at a list of sins as a list of crimes that must be accounted for. If it is an illness, then these are maladies that plague us that we need healing from and tools to keep us healthy going forward and confession becomes a place of healing. And isn’t this idea of “go and sin no more” in relation to healing much more in line with what we see Christ do in the Gospel?

One of the book's strengths lies in Father Stephen Freeman's personal anecdotes and openness about his own struggles. He candidly shares his experiences with anxiety and panic attacks resulting from toxic shame, and as someone that has suffered from both in the past I felt a real connection here. He also discusses, briefly, his religious biography from Baptist, through a sort of atheism, to Episcapleonism with a slight detour as a Jesus Freak, and finally to Orthodoxy. But he wasn't running from anything wrong, but towards something right. He didn't speak poorly of his former communities. I appreciate that a great deal.

The Orthodox spiritual practice is not all in our heads and hearts, it has a physical side. From long prayers said while standing, lengthy services full of prostrations, and a full calendar of fasting days and seasons, we don't separate the body from the spiritual. We need to come to grips with our human nature, and that includes some things we may not prefer to dwell on, such as shame. This book is a fine exploration of the topic, carried well with biographical, biblical, and patristic references along the way. By tackling the often uncomfortable topic of shame, the book invites readers to confront their own struggles and find healing within the embrace of God's humble love.

I listened to this on Audible, and it was read by the author. He has a kind and patient voice that made listening a pleasure.

[Maria Weir · Rating 5 out of 5]

In Face to Face: Knowing God Beyond Our Shame, Fr. Stephen Freeman writes that “modern America is a shame-bound culture in which the topic of shame is often taboo.” He also notes that “shame is often a public or relational reality, and its treatment requires assistance.”

Events in Fr. Freeman’s life prompted him to grapple with shame through therapeutic, researched, and pastoral lenses. As a result, he balances the nomenclature of therapists and synergizes the study of toxic and healthy shame with the teachings of the Church. I first heard the term “healthy shame” in one of his blog posts on Glory to God For All Things. Healthy shame seems to be a psychological warning system, and like pain that becomes chronic, it can send destructive messages that require rewiring.

In his introduction, Fr. Freeman sets out questions like “Does God create shame? Does Faith require shame? What place does shame hold in the life and work of Christ? How do we speak of shame in a manner that is consistent with Orthodox teaching?” He’s concerned about the place of shame in individual lives.

As an Orthodox Christian, his question land. Sundays as I walk to liturgy, I recite the pre-communion prayers, which are chockful of phrases about myself that include “useless,” “unworthy,” “insufficient,” and ascribe all manner of failure to my internal and external behaviors. One of our parishioners came to despise the pre-communion prayers, saying the language ground her down with shame. When that woman pressed me about that language, I had no ready answer. Part of that reaction, which I see in myself, has to do with American culture. We prefer pride, control, success, and dignity – even at the cost of inauthenticity – to humility. I know a high-powered fundraiser in Washington D.C. who feels so ashamed of the conservative college she attended and her low-income childhood, that she refuses to discuss this with colleagues. In D.C., the influential can help people from low incomes and mingle with those of other political persuasions, but can’t originate from such a background.

“I’ve been a convert all my life,” Fr. Freeman writes in Chapter 7, then he recounts his conversions including the final movement into Orthodox Christianity which required setting aside his priesthood in the Episcopal Church. He follows up his history with an anecdote about baptizing an older Russian woman who rankled when he said she “converted” – I did not convert. Conversion means I had a choice. That’s what Americans do. – We have built our cultural ecology on the right to, even the wealth of, choice. The dark side of all this choice is the onus we take on ourselves, and we tend to hold ourselves and others responsible sometimes to the point of shame. After all they “chose” It.

Fr. Freeman tackles shame in multiple facets of our lives but doesn’t cover it exhaustively. Some of his blogs evoked more visceral wrestling with shame for me, but blogs don’t last like books, and this book’s topic is undertreated by priests and laity alike. We all have to bear a little shame, he quotes, and the sacrament of confession should be a safe space to do that. I’ve had pastoral confessors who let confession be the tool that even therapy cannot be – but it doesn’t work alone. – Yet I’ve heard other Orthodox Christians say they avoid confession because their father confessors are so punitive. Do they know that they’re weaponizing a person’s shame against them? I wonder. I’ve always felt that therapy gives me techniques to address unhealthy thought patterns, while confession lets me lay down my shame. I’d hope that a book like this would prompt other priests better understand shame so they become more pastoral.

[Erica Visocky · Rating 5 out of 5]

I heard Fr. Stephen Freeman speak at an Ancient Faith conference for content creators in 2019. His talk was on Orthodoxy and Shame. He spoke with such love and relatability. From then on, I have followed him on social media and when I heard his book was coming out, ran to get my name on the list. You should also run to get this book. Here’s why.

As Orthodox Christians, and, of course, as fallen humans, we have many points of shame throughout our lives. In this book, Face To Face: Knowing God Beyond Our Shame, Fr. Freeman calls those points to light, breaks them down into understandable psychology, and heals them with our faith. I don’t usually pull in someone else’s quote on the book I’m reviewing but I think Randa K. Anderson described this work perfectly when she said,”… The articulation of the fully healing nature of God’s love when we are bound by shame is profound.” You really can feel God’s love through Fr. Freeman, in person or in word.

The book itself is categorized through its chapters to relate to different aspects of life. One chapter of note for a lot of us converts, is The Shame of Conversion. It’s pointed out that we, as we Americans do, get to choose to convert to this faith. Conversion is a huge part of my family’s story of faith. My in-laws wanted to convert from Catholicism and the priest in their local church didn’t take them seriously. Why would Americans want to convert to this faith? Nevertheless, they persisted. (I feel like this sentence is one that always makes for the best stories in books.) Eventually, they were converted.

I am so thankful that they persisted because now I am Orthodox and my kids are the first generation of cradle Orthodox in our family line. How cool is that?!? Unfortunately, the rest of my side of the family and friends don’t understand and we get a lot of questions to field. “Well, in your religion . . .” or “I don’t remember the bible saying that.” While these questions and comments aren’t to make us feel bad or “put us to shame”, there’s a not-good feeling there and having to explain ourselves and defend our faith seems to be more of a constant than in a Protestant life.

Anyways, whatever way you’re feeling about whatever in your life, read this book. It’s just what we all needed. A kind word that reminds us of the healing of the Lord and His promise of the blessings to come. Amen.

Thank you Fr. Stephen Freeman for giving today’s Orthodox Christians the gentle reminder that our God is so loving, that our faith is the right faith, and the tools we can use to live and love more fully, as God would desire. I thank the Lord that He gave us you.

[Jeremy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Potent Quotables:

Humility is the acceptance of healthy shame, in a manner that allows us to see the truth of ourselves, as well as the truth of God… Humility is not the degradation of the self, much less some version of self-shaming, rather it is the acceptance of the boundaries around us that are real and true. To see the excellence in others, or the wonder of the creation itself, does not require that I despise myself, or dismiss any sense of self-worth. It is, to a great extent, the opposite. Those who despise themselves and dismiss their self-worth are likely reacting to toxic shame, and thereby rendering themselves incapable of accurately seeing or appreciating what is around them.

What is the story of sin? Is our problem like that of the sick man or the guilty man? The answer to that question has a way of determining the entire thrust of Christian understanding.

Those who engage in scriptural interpretation as though the Bible were self-interpreting (“the Bible says…”), are either being disingenuous or are simply unaware of how their own hidden assumptions are guiding that process.

"If you are willing to bear serenely the trial of being displeasing to yourself, then you will be a pleasant place of shelter for Jesus." Thérèse of Lisieux

The heart of the Christian gospel is the story of a God who, in an act of supreme self-emptying, humbled himself to the point of bearing our shame. It is the ultimate loss of face. His crucifixion was utterly unfair and unjust. He is the one true innocent who willingly endures a death reserved for the most shameful criminals. And it is this very path of self-emptying that he offers to us as the way of salvation.

Forgiving injustice toward the self, the loss of what is rightfully due, giving what is neither deserved nor merited… these are all things that we seem to loathe instinctively. The shame we encounter through such acts of self-emptying is invariably painful, but this is the gospel. We take it on in union with Christ.

[Amber · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Face to Face: Knowing God Beyond Our Shame” by Fr. Stephen Freeman is the type of book that I both wish I had earlier in my life, and it somehow came at just the right time. I love how Fr. Freeman was able to use psychological concepts and Orthodox teachings to tackle a topic that is relevant to every person's life. Shame is difficult to understand as potentially helpful because the emotions associated with it are typically considered negative. It is also hard to understand just how much of life is influenced by shame. To combat this, Fr. Freeman presents the concept of “healthy shame” vs. “toxic shame” that he came across in his research and frames it in an Orthodox light using scripture, personal stories, and quotes from church fathers. He does this in such an approachable way that I never felt oppressed by what can be a heavy subject.

“Face to Face” is definitely a book that I will need to reread to fully understand and incorporate into my life. It is not a difficult read, but it is full of truth and insight that takes some time to fully absorb. I would highly recommend this book to any Orthodox Christian or person looking to better understand the Orthodox way of thinking about shame. The lives of saints and monastics do not feel as intimidating because of the insight I received from this book. I sincerely believe that it has benefitted my life and look forward to recommending it to others.

[Nicole Roccas · Rating 5 out of 5]

In 2019, that waning year of the pre-pandemic era, I was asked to speak at a conference for writers where Fr. Stephen Freeman was also presenting.

I forget the topic of my presentation, but Fr. Stephen talked about shame.

That was the first occasion I heard him explore the connection between shame and faith as well as the first time I became aware of his forthcoming book on the topic. I recall being deeply affected by the talk—crying and laughing my way through most of it, along with the rest of the room--and made a mental note to read his book when it came out.

Nearly four years—and a pandemic, and the breakdown of my marriage, and a thousand more encounters with shame both great and small—would pass until the book Fr. Stephen had mentioned in 2019 made its way into the world, in March of this year.

I bought Face to Face: Knowing God beyond Our Shame the first day it was available on ebook, and read it throughout much of the 2023 Lenten season.

Read what I thought in the full review on my substack blog.

[Benjamin Linnabary · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was beyond excited to receive this book and finally read it. When discussing the first part of the book with a friend, they asked “Is there a synonym for healthy shame?” Later that evening as I continued read the answer came immediately: humility. Fr Freeman does a great job of showing the role of humility as it deals with shame, and how this universal emotion is engaged with and transformed in the Orthodox faith as point of union with God, and without which union with God would be impossible. The book (as is much of Fr Freeman’s work) is infused with hope and grace, and never a sense that shame is ultimately unbearable; rather, there is a constant reminder that we serve a God of love who healed “shame with shame”, and that this process is still at work within us.

I would highly recommend this book; I especially found his chapter on Orthodox converts to be encouraging (as a convert) and his chapter on marriage to be enlightening.

[A.J. Prufrock · Rating 5 out of 5]

In Face to Face, Fr. Stephen Freeman argues against the prevalent notion that Christ’s incarnational mission was to simply pay the price for man’s poor choices. He insists instead that Jesus came to heal a relational breech–– man and God are separated by toxic shame. This same shame separates man from man and man from himself.  Freeman’s thesis jumps off the page in chapter three:
“Shame is not sin (or even sinful), rather it is an emotional signal that accompanies severed communion.”
While never downplaying the deep and long-term work necessary for healing, Freeman holds up the constant hope: If our Lord can turn an instrument of death –– His cross–– into an instrument of life, can He not turn our places of broken communion into an opportunity for intimacy?

[Amy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Father Stephen is an amazing source and I was moved and impacted by his book, "Everywhere Present" and am a faithful reader of his blog and listen to his podcast. All that being said, I struggled with this book. It seemed to say the same thing over and over and didn't reach me spiritually. After reading the whole book I have to admit I'm still not sure of his definition of "shame" except that he feels there is healthy shame and unhealthy shame which seems to me, fairly self-evident.

I wouldn't discourage people from reading this book but I cannot recommend it. Perhaps to a different person, it will speak volumes. For this Orthodox reader, it did not. If you have never read him, I highly recommend "Everywhere Present" as a wonderful and approachable work.

[Randall Herman · Rating 5 out of 5]

Medicinal Spirituality

Father Stephen gives us a good summary of the importance of shame, how it influences our behavior, and how it is central to our worship of God. He dives deep sometimes, but never gets into the weeds. He shows us the central place of shame in the Tradition, and in the life-giving spirituality of the Orthodox Church.

[Christopher Clay · Rating 5 out of 5]

A Book of Healing

There is something about humility and shame that are powerfully healing. I am a long time Christian, but new to these Ancient Faith traditions and am thankful for books like this and spiritual fathers that are true shepards. Glory to God for all things!

[Jackson Swain · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love Fr. Freeman.

[Shea Layton · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great book for personal healing, a an example of the direct crossover between Orthodoxy and therapy. It inspired me to make a reading list for my coaching clients. Highly recommended.

[Nathaniel Spencer · Rating 5 out of 5]

I always assumed I knew what shame is, but after reading Fr. Stephen’s book, it looks like I needed my assumptions refined. While our culture knows the word “shame” only in a negative, toxic sense (“fat-shaming,” etc), there is clearly a rich tradition of understanding shame as a natural emotion or state, one that alerts us to something, much like pain. Fr. Stephen Freeman encourages us to see the world as a place of boundaries, with shame as the sensation occurring with a boudary transgression. If the state of humility is knowing that you are what you are and you are not what you are not, then sensing the boundaries of the self, what it needs, desires, or expresses, is crucial to maintaining a more fully human life; humility is when we submit to those boundaries. As we learn to observe those boundaries, St. Sophrony instructs that “we must learn to bear a little shame” on the way to a more realized humanity.

Toxic shame, an almost universal experience in our culture to the point where institutions like social media actually seem to exist largely because of it, is the sense of boundary violation gone wild, even conquering a person’s very sense of self, enslaving them to feelings of rejection and the loss of self-worth. The key to healing from this is not rejecting shame altogether, another common but flawed approach, but allowing a small, appropriate amount of shame to do its work; “bearing a little shame” to repeat St. Sophrony’s adage.

I have come to trust Fr. Stephen‘s humble voice on these matters absolutely. I learned a lot in this small book that I hope to take onboard, as I do whenever he speaks. This is the kind of book that makes you go “hmmm… I’ve been doing it wrong.” It’s a small but deep volume of corrective and clarification that could be helpful to anyone, certainly any Christian.