While it’s easy to fall into the abstinence violation effect, where you slip up, decide you don’t have what it takes to change, and give up, it’s key to remember that change is rarely a linear process. That’s why, when you face a setback, it’s crucial to react flexibly and strategically and continue to grow. Being able to look at and understand why something went awry can help you learn how to do better next time, especially because the same factors repeatedly show up in our lives, leading to similar mistakes. By analyzing and addressing a comprehensive list of the behaviors that factor into holding you back, you can create meaningful and lasting change.
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They narrowed in on psychological flexibility, which Dr. Hayes considers to be “the most important skill set in mental health” and defines it as: awareness, or noticing; openness, or allowing yourself to process difficult thoughts and feelings; and valued engagement, or identifying what matters to you and moving in that direction. We know how much physical flexibility can help our bodies navigate and reduce risk of injury, and the same holds true when it comes to psychological flexibility. I hope that seeing the messages in your emotions and practicing observing and improving your ARCs will help you change your relationship with your emotions and stress, allowing them to inspire you.
Melanie shared that she had barely done anything social in months. Just as unhelpful, the typical ways she relaxed, like staying up late at night playing addictive games, set her up for more stress the next day. I know this sounds clichéd, but just as you’d go out of your way to fill up your gas tank rather than risk stalling on a highway, it is essential to set yourself up for better coping by practicing good sleep habits, steering clear of substances that negatively impact you, and making sure you’re engaging in activities that boost your resilience, like nurturing friendships, eating nutrient- rich foods, and finding ways to move your body. Melanie was surprised that experimenting with minor tweaks to her schedule, like going to bed an hour earlier and making sure she had at least one social plan a month, made it easier for her to implement emotion regulation.
According to Dr. Amelia Aldao, a visiting scholar at Columbia University who has published dozens of papers on emotion regulation, we need to try different strategies in many situations across a range of emotions to build an enduring ability to manage them. “Having a wide range of tools at our disposal allows us to become more self-confident and grounded,” she said. “When I only have one or two emotion regulation skills, it better be the right one for a given context. But if I have many (and I’m willing to engage in a trial-and-error process), then even big challenges can be dealt with!” Dr. Aldao explained.
I’m guessing if you come home a couple of hours late, your dog lovingly licks your face; however, your thoughtful partner, who may have been stewing, might struggle to let it go. Someone can give you a slight tilt of an eyebrow (that may be as innocent as dust in their eye!) that leaves you overanalyzing, creating awkwardness where none existed before. It’s hard to have a mind that creates and responds to so many false alarms.
No wonder overthinking often lies at the core of so many psychological struggles, including anxiety and depression, insomnia, binge eating, substance abuse, problems in relationships . . . and the list goes on. Overthinking, as we’ll soon explore, also tends to be the culprit behind many physical symptoms we might blame on stress.
I won’t sugarcoat this: Cameron had a rough time giving up both benzos and cannabis. But he did it, quitting one substance at a time over a matter of four months, starting with Klonopin. In addition to working with me, Cameron met with a psychiatrist and joined Marijuana Anonymous. Along the way, he experienced a lot of uncomfortable symptoms, including anxiety, nausea, irritability, and insomnia. But as he progressed through weeks and months of tapering, he felt a sense of pride and even hope, and he was excited to realize that his memory was a lot better than he thought. About six weeks after he stopped using Klonopin and cannabis, he told me, “I feel like my brain is sharper and I’ve realized that some of the anxiety gets me going.” I couldn’t have said it better myself.
So many people I come across—not only clients but also friends—don’t think much about unwinding with a joint2 or a prescription benzodiazepine like Klonopin or Xanax that instantly brings physical calm.
I then asked him to think of how he would answer the following questions, which I invite you to consider as well: How would you know the miracle had happened? What would others around you notice? What would you do? How would you think differently? What would you see if you compared your before and after pictures?
He discovered that it was inherently rewarding to focus on what he wanted (a more meaningful life and relationships) rather than what he was running from (pain).
Gary was skeptical. “I’m too old to make new friends,” he told me. But he agreed to reach out to some old acquaintances on Facebook and was surprised by how quickly so many of them responded, leading to an exchange of memories, photos, and podcast suggestions. “I felt like I was the only one going through stuff and no one else had time, but it seems like we’ve all been going through it. Most people seem oddly enthusiastic and happy to reconnect,” he said.
In a world that can feel so precarious, embracing a values-driven life can also give you a dose of certainty. As Gary learned, there is a calmness that comes from knowing you can count on your inner compass, even when so much else—both within us and around us—seems imperfect. I hope you’ll keep that in mind as you turn to the stress resets and buffers ahead.
Tapping into what we know, how we feel, and our natural intuition allows us to discern our own incredible insight and increase our trust in ourselves.
If becoming more accepting seems like a complete makeover of your personality, research suggests that exercises like the steps listed in this reset can improve your peace of mind, conserving your energy so you can move forward. The thing to remember is that accepting something doesn’t mean staying complacent; acceptance actually facilitates change.
When it comes to positive experiences, acknowledging and savoring your accomplishments will prove more motivating than imagining that the pendulum is going to swing the other way and your peak will soon plummet.
Choosing to live my life, even when I can’t control reality, is my only option, then continue forward.
“Surfing the waves” of your emotions instead of judging them will help you see that you don’t need to run from your feelings or even take action. Once you sit with them, you’ll also find that they typically don’t last very long. I like to think of this exercise as a mental Chinese finger trap, a fidget toy that constricts when you try to pull your fingers out, but frees you when you let your fingers relax inward.
Focusing on one thing in the distance helps counter stress-inducing multitasking, plus learning to shift your attention outside of your struggles and adopt a broader view, especially one that is pleasant, is a nice way to free yourself from a negative self-focus. So many of us try to force ourselves to be grateful during tough times, but my clients notice that by allowing their senses to take the lead, they’re more open to a genuine sense of wonder and appreciation.
Initially developed by Dr. Alan Marlatt, a psychologist who specialized in harm reduction and addiction, urge surfing is a way to lower the discomfort of cravings. Similar to accepting thoughts, physical sensations, and emotions as fleeting, bringing mindful awareness to temptations—and realizing that they are also fleeting—improves our ability to cope. In one study led by psychologist Sarah Bowen, an associate professor at Pacific University, smokers who engaged in a host of triggering cues, including placing a cigarette in their mouth, while also paying close attention to their thoughts, feelings, and urges (without judging or trying to change them) smoked significantly fewer cigarettes the next week than the control group, despite experiencing a similar number of urges. This was after only 11 minutes of urge-surfing training. By practicing this reset over time, you’ll not only conserve your resources but also discover that you can choose how to respond to your cravings.
If you allow yourself to truly relish your surroundings, you’ll be reminded that there is so much more to life than whatever is consuming you at the moment, if only you take a few minutes to enjoy what’s around you.
Music has also been found to improve both physical and emotional symptoms of stress. Neurologist and writer Oliver Sacks put it best: “Music can lift us out of depression or move us to tears—it is a remedy, a tonic, orange juice for the ear.”
It makes sense, then, that researchers have found that a weeklong social media break reduces feelings of depression and anxiety and improves well-being. Plus, think of the hours you’ll save: On average, people spend 147 minutes a day on social media, which amounts to 17.25 hours a week and close to 70 hours a month! (Don’t blame yourself—the algorithms are designed to break your willpower and rope you in.) Wouldn’t it make sense to spend more of that time investing in your joy?
Beyond seeking help, take the time to notice when you’re feeling cared for and find ways to remember the people who are cheering you on, even when they are physically absent. A friend told me that he jotted down a list of all the people he knew who stood behind him when he was preparing to make a tough decision. Afterward, he described feeling like they were present with him, even though they were just names scribbled on a piece of paper.
Humility, or accurately seeing yourself as you are and what you’re vulnerable to, can inspire you to be cautious, lean on others, notice your slipups, accept your imperfections, and look beyond yourself.
Many years ago, I heard Dr. John Gottman, a leading expert in couples therapy, describe in a professional training that a good predictor of a couple’s resilience is if they’re able to laugh shortly after a conflict. And the same holds true for us as individuals: The more we stay present and allow ourselves to open up to what’s happening now rather than staying stuck in what’s happened, the healthier we’ll feel.
The bottom line: Mapping out ways to turn your values into actions and taking a moment to acknowledge how your current actions already sync with your values will give you a sense of power and fulfillment.
My friends like to joke that group fitness classes are my happy place, and it’s true. I go to the same classes1 at the same times each week, buying discounted class packs and scheduling in advance so I don’t have to think much about it. And unlike other parts of my day or life, I maintain the attitude that showing up is what counts; it doesn’t matter how I perform as long as I am present and put in effort. That means exercise also helps me move past the urge to be a perfectionist.
Other studies have found that brief improv training can reduce perfectionism, depression, and anxiety.
Comedian Neal Brennan, who has cowritten comedy shows and headlined his own Netflix specials, told me that comedy is also a carthartic way to rebel and spread happiness. “Humor gave me a way to respond to the world,” Mr. Brennan told me, explaining how it helped him navigate trauma and depression. “It’s an incredible gift.” And if your life feels too irritating to find the funny, that’s all the more reason to humor me (and yourself!) by trying these strategies.
Socializing can be so uplifting—there’s no reason to contaminate conversations and your sense of self with chatter that feels negative and takes you away from opening up and focusing on the present.
Remember that you don’t have to be brilliant or hilarious, you merely have to GIVE, which will keep you focused on listening. Letting someone know that you’re attentively listening is the ultimate gift, because, at the end of the day, we all want to feel truly seen and heard.
“Making your bed will also reinforce the fact that the little things in life matter. If you can’t do the little things right, you will never do the big things right,” Admiral McRaven said. “And if by chance you have a miserable day, you will come home to a bed that is made—that you made—and a made bed gives you encouragement that tomorrow will be better.”
If you’re concerned about staying organized, lean on a paper planner or the Structured app. If you want to focus on seeing the connection between accomplishing more and feeling differently, the Daylio Journal app can help.
Creating opportunities for happiness shouldn’t be an afterthought, because feeling joyful improves your immunity, increases your financial earning power (the happier you are, the more likely you are to pursue opportunities), and strengthens your relationships. We often forget that we can allow ourselves to live more joyfully now instead of waiting until we have a wide-open calendar and a mountain of confidence; if we waited until then, we’d be postponing fun for ages.
Given how easy it is to multitask when we have multiple windows and messages popping up, it’s crucial to brainstorm how to limit the lure of jumping around on your screens, which drains your ability to monotask. “It’s like someone is pouring itching powder on you, then telling you to meditate,”
Multitasking is almost always a misnomer, as the human mind and brain lack the architecture to perform two or more tasks simultaneously
Finding flow—where you’re so absorbed in what you’re doing that you lose sense of time—starts with fully participating in whatever you’re doing. “Being able to focus isn’t the biggest issue in the world. There are bigger issues,” Mr. Hari told me. But “if we don’t get this right, we won’t get anything right. Because the person who can’t pay attention is drastically less effective at everything they’re trying to achieve.”
Think about the specific worries that drive you to do this (e.g., If I don’t make it perfect, people won’t respect me or If I don’t ask people what I should do, I’ll make a massive mistake).
I see so many clients who even avoid uplifting opportunities, such as applying for a new job, due to worries about not being able to tolerate rejection. But avoiding isn’t dodging discomfort—it’s discounting what you’re capable of and what’s possible in your life.
I don’t want to minimize the painful reality that many can’t afford to live comfortably despite working constantly. But if you do have flexibility, looking at your income and costs and creating a plan (without excessively checking your accounts due to irrational worries) can make your relationship with your money feel less like an impossible mystery.
Because the goal of self-help isn’t only to better ourselves but also to touch others, consider that your efforts, no matter how small, can make a real difference to the people around you. As psychiatrist Jerome Motto famously discovered in a study that followed more than 800 individuals, doing something as simple as sending brief caring letters to someone who experienced a psychiatric crisis significantly reduced the risk of that person dying by suicide. This says so much about the impact of telling others that they matter and you care, whether in good times or more challenging ones. I hope you never underestimate the power of taking deliberate actions to change the course of your life—and to create a positive ripple effect in the lives of others. What could be more liberating than starting now?