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Ansiosos no amor: Como se tornar mais seguro no amor e na vida
Um roteiro para construir relacionamentos fortes e seguros para quem luta contra a ansiedade em suas conexões românticas.
Se você sente que só se envolve com pessoas incapazes de satisfazer suas necessidades afetivas e que seus relacionamentos são sempre instáveis e emocionalmente desgastantes, marcados pela insegurança, pelo ciúme e pela codependência, pode ser que a chave para transformar essa realidade esteja na maneira como constrói suas conexões amorosas.
Jessica Baum mostra que esse sentimento é muito comum para quem tem um estilo de apego ansioso. À luz das pesquisas mais atuais, ela explica o que isso quer dizer e o que está por trás de todas essas dificuldades.
Em mais de 10 anos de atuação como psicoterapeuta e consultora de casais, Jessica já ajudou milhares de pacientes na mesma situação a rever os próprios conceitos e formar relações seguras e fortes, que proporcionam apoio mútuo e autoconhecimento. Neste livro, ela oferece um roteiro para você:
• Aprender a impor limites e proteger sua independência e autonomia nos relacionamentos.
• Descobrir como comunicar ao seu parceiro ou sua parceira o que você precisa para se sentir em segurança na relação.
• Ter uma compreensão clara de como seu sistema nervoso influencia os seus relacionamentos.
• Entender o verdadeiro significado de uma relação saudável.
• Encontrar um caminho para a cura através de práticas como a meditação, que ajudam você a se entender melhor.
Se você sente que só se envolve com pessoas incapazes de satisfazer suas necessidades afetivas e que seus relacionamentos são sempre instáveis e emocionalmente desgastantes, marcados pela insegurança, pelo ciúme e pela codependência, pode ser que a chave para transformar essa realidade esteja na maneira como constrói suas conexões amorosas.
Jessica Baum mostra que esse sentimento é muito comum para quem tem um estilo de apego ansioso. À luz das pesquisas mais atuais, ela explica o que isso quer dizer e o que está por trás de todas essas dificuldades.
Em mais de 10 anos de atuação como psicoterapeuta e consultora de casais, Jessica já ajudou milhares de pacientes na mesma situação a rever os próprios conceitos e formar relações seguras e fortes, que proporcionam apoio mútuo e autoconhecimento. Neste livro, ela oferece um roteiro para você:
• Aprender a impor limites e proteger sua independência e autonomia nos relacionamentos.
• Descobrir como comunicar ao seu parceiro ou sua parceira o que você precisa para se sentir em segurança na relação.
• Ter uma compreensão clara de como seu sistema nervoso influencia os seus relacionamentos.
• Entender o verdadeiro significado de uma relação saudável.
• Encontrar um caminho para a cura através de práticas como a meditação, que ajudam você a se entender melhor.
240 pages, Paperback
Published March 14, 2023
2262 people are currently reading
11264 people want to read
About the author
Jessica Baum
3 books42 followersJessica Baum is the owner and founder of the Be Self-full® Method and the Relationship Institute of Palm Beach. She has an undergraduate degree from Fordham University and holds a Master’s degree in Mental Health Counseling from South University. As a certified substance abuse specialist, her focus is chemical abuse, codependency, and anxiety.
Jessica is also a certified Imago Therapist. Using the Imago approach, Jessica helps treat family systems and couples issues with an extensive knowledge on relationships. She also uses this approach in family programs she runs for treatment centers.
Jessica has extensive training in psychodrama and experiential therapy. She is also skilled in cognitive therapy and dialectical behavior therapy. She is trained in EMDR therapy and Post Induction Therapy and has done a copious amount of work with trauma. Through Be Self-full®, Jessica offers coaching services that support individuals and couples to form healthy, long-term relationships.
Jessica is also a certified Imago Therapist. Using the Imago approach, Jessica helps treat family systems and couples issues with an extensive knowledge on relationships. She also uses this approach in family programs she runs for treatment centers.
Jessica has extensive training in psychodrama and experiential therapy. She is also skilled in cognitive therapy and dialectical behavior therapy. She is trained in EMDR therapy and Post Induction Therapy and has done a copious amount of work with trauma. Through Be Self-full®, Jessica offers coaching services that support individuals and couples to form healthy, long-term relationships.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 476 reviews
July 2, 2022
dragged my ass from the prologue to the acknowledgements
May 9, 2023
I found it a little difficult to connect with the language of this book (talking about your "little me" and your "inner nurturers" and your "inner protectors" every other word) and I imagine others might have the same problem. I just found it to be quite repetitive and I didn't really have a sense of its structure and direction until I got closer to the end. The later chapters had more useful information and ways of talking about things like boundaries. In general, though, this book existed in a weird middle space that wasn't really science-y (it's filled with a bunch of far overgeneralized and sometimes inaccurate descriptions of things like neuroanatomy) but also didn't really strike the right "spiritual" chord for me. I think some people might really get a lot out of it, though, especially if you use the language it provides to have more specific discussions with a therapist or with current/future romantic partners.
August 5, 2022
This should be a must-read for all adults regardless of their attachment style as Jessica provides so much wisdom and support for those of us who are anxiously attached and for the people who love us.
I wish I had read this book before I ever dated avoidant men.
Jessica offers equal information on science and heart to help us understand why this happens, charts a healing path that will allow us to develop security within, and walks with our step by step as we open to the mutually supportive, ever-deepening relationships that we all desire.
Nobody can abandon me if I heal my little me. A practical and holistic approach for overcoming anxious attachment issues to discover happier, more fulfilling relationships.
I wish I had read this book before I ever dated avoidant men.
Jessica offers equal information on science and heart to help us understand why this happens, charts a healing path that will allow us to develop security within, and walks with our step by step as we open to the mutually supportive, ever-deepening relationships that we all desire.
Nobody can abandon me if I heal my little me. A practical and holistic approach for overcoming anxious attachment issues to discover happier, more fulfilling relationships.
April 21, 2023
3.5 ⭐
This one took me a while to get through; on the one hand it wasn’t easy to digest and I had to pause and contemplate what I’d just read or reread certain parts multiple times till I grasped them and on the other hand its writing style is a bit bland compared to other similar books but the content itself is great.
To me it wasn’t particularly informative, probably because I’d just read Attached recently which lays out the groundwork for Attachment Theory brilliantly so I can’t judge this book based on the info but what it did for me was make me stop and reflect A LOT. I also highlighted many parts that resonated deeply and I’ll share some of them below. (Even though there were parts that I did not fully agree with about flow of energy in the first few chapters, I found that the author didn’t really lean heavily on those concepts later on so I’ll ignore that)
Even though I’d recommend Attached first for anyone who wants a good relationship self-help book and to understand attachment theory, Anxiously Attached offers something that Attached doesn’t; A guide to becoming self-full. The author admits that “once an anxious person, always an anxious person to some degree.” yet she provides a guide to every anxiously attached person to move on to a more secure base at least most of the time and that’s the main bulk of the book, how to shift the mindset from anxious to secure attachment so that even though the anxious instincts will always be there and won’t go away they will be less intense and more controllable. Another great thing that I loved is that the whole book is dedicated for anxiously attached people xD so that would be a nice follow up for someone who enjoyed a book like Attached.
Normally, I would give 4 stars to books like these but due to the slow pace, boring bits and the effort that I sometimes had to put in to finish certain chapters (not all to be fair) I’ll give it a 3.5. I couldn’t listen to the audio meditations though so I have no idea what those are like xD which feels like I missed a core experience of this book.
Anyways, if you made it all this way in my review you probably wanna know more so I’ll leave you with some bits and pieces that I liked.
A very short definition of codependency is trying to control another person’s emotions and behaviors so we don’t have to experience our own painful feelings. If I can get you to stay close to me, I won’t have to feel the frightening abandonment that is lurking inside me (anxious person). If I can stay far enough away from you, I won’t have to experience the vulnerability that threatens to make me feel the black hole of emptiness inside me (avoidant person).
As I described in the introduction, those who experienced being anxiously attached are frightened of being abandoned because their parents were so inconsistent in providing connection. To protect themselves from this happening again, they tend to focus all their energy on finding a relationship. Their need to maintain the connection often emotionally suffocates their partners because they can’t stop themselves from obsessing over their partners’ level of commitment. When this new person begins to pull back, feelings of not deserving love often come to the surface. Their lives can become an endless search for a relationship that will prove they are lovable, but the need to cling for reassurance out of fear and insecurity creates demands that often lead to the very abandonment they fear.
our adult relationships fulfill two different—but equally important—roles: the need to see and know ourselves through the eyes of another in a way that allows us to feel supported and safe, and the satisfaction of long-term intimacy with another.
Perhaps the most important lesson I learned in addressing my own anxious attachment style is that facing my deepest fears of abandonment, loneliness, and not being worthy of love is the key to becoming healthily self-full and ready for a balanced relationship. The longer we ignore these vulnerable, wounded parts of our selves, the longer we’ll have the heartbreaking experience of being in relationships that feel just like the abandonment and fear that was a familiar feeling from childhood.
The other struggle for us comes in the form of the popular message that being loved by another is what determines our worth—something many of us have found resonates with our core wound. Our Little Me can’t help but believe, Well, if this partner loves me, then I must be worthy of love. After all, this is what we have been waiting for since childhood: someone to love us so we see our worth reflected in their eyes. Rather than risk finding out that this partner can’t love us, we overextend, ignore our own needs, and squash down our anger because it might push our partner away. In other words, we become selfless to protect ourselves from feeling once again that we are unworthy of love. Between what our culture has taught us and what we have experienced as children, our Inner Protectors push and push: “You must try harder, do more, lose more weight to prove to them that you are worthy.” But the truth is that real self-worth comes from within, and from an inner knowing that you have nothing to prove, and that you are always worthy of love. Doing this work is when we discover that we are neither “less than” or “better than” anybody else—that we are, in fact, “just right” as we are.
Through early life experiences, we have come to believe that we are being overly demanding if we have needs of our own. When we expressed these reasonable wishes, this was often met with what felt like disapproval or rejection by those closest to us, and so we came to understand, in the deepest way, that we will be met with more of the same if we express our needs to a partner. This means that as adults, we do our best to put our partners’ needs first, while ignoring our own. Because our needs were not allowed, our wounded Little Me believes that we are not inherently worthy of love, and so it must be earned by overextending ourselves in our relationships. We have come to believe that acts of selflessness must be what make us a “good person.” After all, nobody wants to be seen as selfish. But remember, there’s a big difference between being selfish and becoming self-full. At its core, selflessness stems from a deeply felt sense of inner abandonment.
When the fear of abandonment is set off, anxious people often leap to try to resolve things right away. The increased anxiety of uncertainty torments them: They need answers, they need a resolution, and they need them now! Their emotions are overwhelming and expand in all directions, causing them to reach out like the many limbs of an octopus in an attempt to find something stable to grab hold of. If they aren’t met with the amount of reassurance they need, they may escalate into rage, forcing conflict in order to continue the contact and perhaps get what they need. This might look like criticizing, blaming, name-calling, screaming, or even throwing things. If this pattern worked in childhood, or if they saw their parents fight this way, it is already wired in and ready to go. Avoidant people generally approach danger differently. For one thing, what feels dangerous to them is more intimacy, not less. While they are generally unaware of it, their systems are filled with the pain of not being emotionally cared for when young, so it is threatening for someone to ask them to soften and come in closer. Their response to fear may be to shut down and “turtle in.” They can look quite reasonable, finding all kinds of logical explanations to not get closer, but inside there is a deep mistrust of vulnerability and what it could bring. Under greater pressure, they may get angry, sarcastic, or demeaning in an effort to shame their partner into retreating for the moment or going away completely. It is likely that everyone in their family responded to emotional needs this way, so again, the responses are deeply wired in.
And while it’s true that a healthy relationship can help us become the best version of ourselves, the clue is in the phrasing of these statements, which suggests that a romantic partner will be the solution to all our problems. When we think this way, the desire to find a mate becomes a desperate search for something we perceive as lacking in our own being. Rather than seeing our relationships as a crucible in which to better understand ourselves (while sharing fulfilling intimacy), we reach for a partner to complete us. When we do this, we begin tapping into an energy source, our partners’ energy, instead of our own, to the point where we can’t function without their love and attention. Rather than relying on our own inner resources in times of need, we turn to our partners to make us feel whole again.
This one took me a while to get through; on the one hand it wasn’t easy to digest and I had to pause and contemplate what I’d just read or reread certain parts multiple times till I grasped them and on the other hand its writing style is a bit bland compared to other similar books but the content itself is great.
To me it wasn’t particularly informative, probably because I’d just read Attached recently which lays out the groundwork for Attachment Theory brilliantly so I can’t judge this book based on the info but what it did for me was make me stop and reflect A LOT. I also highlighted many parts that resonated deeply and I’ll share some of them below. (Even though there were parts that I did not fully agree with about flow of energy in the first few chapters, I found that the author didn’t really lean heavily on those concepts later on so I’ll ignore that)
Even though I’d recommend Attached first for anyone who wants a good relationship self-help book and to understand attachment theory, Anxiously Attached offers something that Attached doesn’t; A guide to becoming self-full. The author admits that “once an anxious person, always an anxious person to some degree.” yet she provides a guide to every anxiously attached person to move on to a more secure base at least most of the time and that’s the main bulk of the book, how to shift the mindset from anxious to secure attachment so that even though the anxious instincts will always be there and won’t go away they will be less intense and more controllable. Another great thing that I loved is that the whole book is dedicated for anxiously attached people xD so that would be a nice follow up for someone who enjoyed a book like Attached.
Normally, I would give 4 stars to books like these but due to the slow pace, boring bits and the effort that I sometimes had to put in to finish certain chapters (not all to be fair) I’ll give it a 3.5. I couldn’t listen to the audio meditations though so I have no idea what those are like xD which feels like I missed a core experience of this book.
Anyways, if you made it all this way in my review you probably wanna know more so I’ll leave you with some bits and pieces that I liked.
A very short definition of codependency is trying to control another person’s emotions and behaviors so we don’t have to experience our own painful feelings. If I can get you to stay close to me, I won’t have to feel the frightening abandonment that is lurking inside me (anxious person). If I can stay far enough away from you, I won’t have to experience the vulnerability that threatens to make me feel the black hole of emptiness inside me (avoidant person).
As I described in the introduction, those who experienced being anxiously attached are frightened of being abandoned because their parents were so inconsistent in providing connection. To protect themselves from this happening again, they tend to focus all their energy on finding a relationship. Their need to maintain the connection often emotionally suffocates their partners because they can’t stop themselves from obsessing over their partners’ level of commitment. When this new person begins to pull back, feelings of not deserving love often come to the surface. Their lives can become an endless search for a relationship that will prove they are lovable, but the need to cling for reassurance out of fear and insecurity creates demands that often lead to the very abandonment they fear.
our adult relationships fulfill two different—but equally important—roles: the need to see and know ourselves through the eyes of another in a way that allows us to feel supported and safe, and the satisfaction of long-term intimacy with another.
Perhaps the most important lesson I learned in addressing my own anxious attachment style is that facing my deepest fears of abandonment, loneliness, and not being worthy of love is the key to becoming healthily self-full and ready for a balanced relationship. The longer we ignore these vulnerable, wounded parts of our selves, the longer we’ll have the heartbreaking experience of being in relationships that feel just like the abandonment and fear that was a familiar feeling from childhood.
The other struggle for us comes in the form of the popular message that being loved by another is what determines our worth—something many of us have found resonates with our core wound. Our Little Me can’t help but believe, Well, if this partner loves me, then I must be worthy of love. After all, this is what we have been waiting for since childhood: someone to love us so we see our worth reflected in their eyes. Rather than risk finding out that this partner can’t love us, we overextend, ignore our own needs, and squash down our anger because it might push our partner away. In other words, we become selfless to protect ourselves from feeling once again that we are unworthy of love. Between what our culture has taught us and what we have experienced as children, our Inner Protectors push and push: “You must try harder, do more, lose more weight to prove to them that you are worthy.” But the truth is that real self-worth comes from within, and from an inner knowing that you have nothing to prove, and that you are always worthy of love. Doing this work is when we discover that we are neither “less than” or “better than” anybody else—that we are, in fact, “just right” as we are.
Through early life experiences, we have come to believe that we are being overly demanding if we have needs of our own. When we expressed these reasonable wishes, this was often met with what felt like disapproval or rejection by those closest to us, and so we came to understand, in the deepest way, that we will be met with more of the same if we express our needs to a partner. This means that as adults, we do our best to put our partners’ needs first, while ignoring our own. Because our needs were not allowed, our wounded Little Me believes that we are not inherently worthy of love, and so it must be earned by overextending ourselves in our relationships. We have come to believe that acts of selflessness must be what make us a “good person.” After all, nobody wants to be seen as selfish. But remember, there’s a big difference between being selfish and becoming self-full. At its core, selflessness stems from a deeply felt sense of inner abandonment.
When the fear of abandonment is set off, anxious people often leap to try to resolve things right away. The increased anxiety of uncertainty torments them: They need answers, they need a resolution, and they need them now! Their emotions are overwhelming and expand in all directions, causing them to reach out like the many limbs of an octopus in an attempt to find something stable to grab hold of. If they aren’t met with the amount of reassurance they need, they may escalate into rage, forcing conflict in order to continue the contact and perhaps get what they need. This might look like criticizing, blaming, name-calling, screaming, or even throwing things. If this pattern worked in childhood, or if they saw their parents fight this way, it is already wired in and ready to go. Avoidant people generally approach danger differently. For one thing, what feels dangerous to them is more intimacy, not less. While they are generally unaware of it, their systems are filled with the pain of not being emotionally cared for when young, so it is threatening for someone to ask them to soften and come in closer. Their response to fear may be to shut down and “turtle in.” They can look quite reasonable, finding all kinds of logical explanations to not get closer, but inside there is a deep mistrust of vulnerability and what it could bring. Under greater pressure, they may get angry, sarcastic, or demeaning in an effort to shame their partner into retreating for the moment or going away completely. It is likely that everyone in their family responded to emotional needs this way, so again, the responses are deeply wired in.
And while it’s true that a healthy relationship can help us become the best version of ourselves, the clue is in the phrasing of these statements, which suggests that a romantic partner will be the solution to all our problems. When we think this way, the desire to find a mate becomes a desperate search for something we perceive as lacking in our own being. Rather than seeing our relationships as a crucible in which to better understand ourselves (while sharing fulfilling intimacy), we reach for a partner to complete us. When we do this, we begin tapping into an energy source, our partners’ energy, instead of our own, to the point where we can’t function without their love and attention. Rather than relying on our own inner resources in times of need, we turn to our partners to make us feel whole again.
March 18, 2024
I just could not read about “little me” for one more page
May 26, 2023
do not let the title fool you - this is almost entirely about romantic relationships rather than life as a whole. with that out of the way, I do think this book provides some valuable information and perspectives on anxious and avoidant attachment styles. it relies heavily on meditation and inner work to come to resolutions, which I personally am unable to connect with, but for those that can this would be a great source of healing. the questions the author poses and the example cases could give anyone pause and reason to consider their own attachment style.
my one gripe about this book is the author, also a therapist, claims there are only three attachment styles: anxious, avoidant and secure - I find this to be totally inaccurate, as being a disorganized style myself, it leaves out a group of potentially lost and confused individuals seeking reassurance when they feel they have a sprinkle of both avoidance and anxiety.
my one gripe about this book is the author, also a therapist, claims there are only three attachment styles: anxious, avoidant and secure - I find this to be totally inaccurate, as being a disorganized style myself, it leaves out a group of potentially lost and confused individuals seeking reassurance when they feel they have a sprinkle of both avoidance and anxiety.
May 11, 2025
I’ll be recommending this book to all my friends with colourful childhoods
October 23, 2025
Cartea asta m-a făcut să mă privesc mai atent, fără judecată. Mi-a pus oglinda în față, dar cu blândețe. Jessica Baum scrie simplu, clar, fără cuvinte grele, dar cu mult adevăr. Nu e doar despre relații, e despre cum ajungi să te alegi pe tine după ani de frică, vină și nevoia de validare. Mi-a plăcut că nu promite „vindecare rapidă”, ci înțelegere. Am subliniat multe fraze — genul de carte care te liniștește, nu te învinuiește. O recomand oricui simte că iubește prea mult, se teme să fie abandonat sau pur și simplu vrea să se cunoască mai bine.
November 6, 2024
Welp , guess I’m just an entirely predictable automaton and here I thought I was so creatively rebellious and unique. She’s got me all figured out. Buuuut now I know. And maybe now I can stop leaving my mess on other people’s doorsteps. Maybe.
March 29, 2024
Got bored
December 28, 2024
Boek 43 in het jaar dat ik 43 werd, en het was een goedje. <3
October 13, 2023
Ouf what a journey.
First off: before reading this book, I highly suggest reading "Polysecure" - gives a really good breakdown of attachment styles and communication styles in relatonships, whether you're poly or not.
Then, once you've established that you're in the anxious category, read this. It'll hurt like a bitch because this books leads you through a lot of self-reflection to see where your anxiety and wounds stem from, and how to sit and examine these feelings without having them take over. Basically, there are a lot of meditation practices to so. It's not a comfortable process but it's so so so helpful.
Specifically, it hammers in the importance of checking-in with yourself, self-regulation, setting boundaries and what those can look like, being in the presence of your emotions without judgement, surrounding yourself with good people, and finding self-worth from yourself.
This book provides the building blocks to work that you can do on your own, and is very validating in reflecting back and normalizing experiences that we anxious attachment style folks experience. Helps give a good sense of when a relationship is workable, and when it's detrimental.
definitely fits into the "significant impact on my life" category of books for me
First off: before reading this book, I highly suggest reading "Polysecure" - gives a really good breakdown of attachment styles and communication styles in relatonships, whether you're poly or not.
Then, once you've established that you're in the anxious category, read this. It'll hurt like a bitch because this books leads you through a lot of self-reflection to see where your anxiety and wounds stem from, and how to sit and examine these feelings without having them take over. Basically, there are a lot of meditation practices to so. It's not a comfortable process but it's so so so helpful.
Specifically, it hammers in the importance of checking-in with yourself, self-regulation, setting boundaries and what those can look like, being in the presence of your emotions without judgement, surrounding yourself with good people, and finding self-worth from yourself.
This book provides the building blocks to work that you can do on your own, and is very validating in reflecting back and normalizing experiences that we anxious attachment style folks experience. Helps give a good sense of when a relationship is workable, and when it's detrimental.
definitely fits into the "significant impact on my life" category of books for me
June 20, 2023
As a communication tool in a relationship “this is how things sometimes look to me, maybe you can understand” I think this book is fantastic. I think you create a shared language about avoidance and asking for your needs to be met that is really positive and healthy.
However, I think, as a sort of psychological, therapeutic modality, this book is not very helpful. It’s sort of bastardized internal family systems model that doesn’t resonate with any of the readings I’ve done there beyond just kind of holding space for your inner child. I think there’s a sort of mindfulness component of recognizing feelings and processing through them, but it’s just overly complicated and couched in this sort of need to be unique. Parts of this felt overly infantilizing. Generally, I thought that “actionable” parts of the book we’re pretty obtuse. The points about healing are disconnected. I did not find a through put on it other than to just deal with stuff as it comes up.
Read it as a discussion piece not as something that will help you fix your love life
However, I think, as a sort of psychological, therapeutic modality, this book is not very helpful. It’s sort of bastardized internal family systems model that doesn’t resonate with any of the readings I’ve done there beyond just kind of holding space for your inner child. I think there’s a sort of mindfulness component of recognizing feelings and processing through them, but it’s just overly complicated and couched in this sort of need to be unique. Parts of this felt overly infantilizing. Generally, I thought that “actionable” parts of the book we’re pretty obtuse. The points about healing are disconnected. I did not find a through put on it other than to just deal with stuff as it comes up.
Read it as a discussion piece not as something that will help you fix your love life
September 12, 2024
I couldn't continue reading it. it was too repetitive. If I read "little me" again somewhere I'll go crazy.
February 27, 2025
Big takeaways:
1. I’m starting to understand why secure and anxious attachments are so critical of avoidant.
2. Selflessness has taken on a pretty brutal contemporary definition.
3. Self-fullness as described in the book seems like a much more Christ-like self awareness and humility than the modern definition of selflessness would lead us to discover.
1. I’m starting to understand why secure and anxious attachments are so critical of avoidant.
2. Selflessness has taken on a pretty brutal contemporary definition.
3. Self-fullness as described in the book seems like a much more Christ-like self awareness and humility than the modern definition of selflessness would lead us to discover.
January 22, 2025
5⭐️ I definitely needed this in my life!!
June 12, 2024
I bought this book after i got dumped, and I felt more loved and seen than I had felt in a long time (if that makes sense). The book presented very relatable stories and analogies that made me feel called out (in a good way), and it offered reassurance and ways to feeling more connected with myself and how to heal the pains of growing up. I finished it after I healed from the relationship, so when I got to the end and it talked about healing and feeling secure in your romantic relationships now, I felt kinda bored. I saw some reviews that said that it focuses wayyyy more on relationships than being generally anxiously attached, and I agree. It is mostly a relationship book, but i would also say, that being anxiously attached it more of a romantic relationship issue….(for me) So yes it focuses on relationships a lot more than the ‘Life’ part of the book, but if you know about attachment theory it’s probably more likely you are picking up this book for a relationship.
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4.5/5 - helped me in my time of need, -0.5 because i want a little bit more ‘life’ (but also i dont think my anxious attachment affects my friendships??? So actually 5/5)
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4.5/5 - helped me in my time of need, -0.5 because i want a little bit more ‘life’ (but also i dont think my anxious attachment affects my friendships??? So actually 5/5)
January 31, 2023
I think the concept is important, but this is not the right starting point. If you are new to exploring attachment styles, check out "Attached" by Levine and Heller first. This book, while I appreciate it, is almost too fluffy. It explores anxious attachment well, but, I feel, to understand it deeply, you need to understand other attachments as well. Healing an anxious attachment doesn't exist in a vacuum. Most of the "work" you can do in this is a lot of self soothing and perspective changes, which are great, but they aren't everything. If you're single, this book may work for you. Unfortunately, if you are in a partnership, your partner's attachment style will affect yours and your healing, and that wasn't touched on as much as I would've liked (which is why it's important to understand all attachment styles). There are good bits in this book, but I wouldn't say it's groundbreaking.
September 30, 2024
This book took me FOREVER to read because I found it not very engaging and pretty repetitive. The language of “Little Me” and “Inner Nurturers” and “Heart-Brain” didn’t resonate with me, and I thought too much of the practical steps of becoming self-full were guided meditations, which isn’t my jam (I think there were 4 or 5 guided meditations throughout the book, several pages each?). That being said, there was several good reflections and strategies for me, and I think many people would get quite a bit out of this book. I just wish it was 100 pages shorter, with more practical strategies apart from guided meditations, and more example stories, which I think would have helped me connect with the spiritual-y somewhat vague labels she was using.
June 27, 2023
DNF at page 170? Just couldn’t do it
January 12, 2024
Free therapy!
February 1, 2025
I really, really enjoyed this book. It taught me a lot about myself, and gave me some good insight on relationships. Here is my final little blurb from the book:
For people who tend to shut down when they're in pain and who cope by holding their emotions in, it can be very hard work to learn to share. For people who get overwhelmed by anxiety, it can feel equally threatening to be asked to take a step back. Both of them are also feeling the powerful pull of deeply ingrained protections. Acknowledging all this can help couples find compassion for each other, and that is a big step toward reconnection. When they do begin to either open or slow down, they likely find that each of them is feeling something very similar: the physical sensations of fear. Speaking about this together can further deepen empathy and connection. Gradually, both are moving out of sympathetic disconnection into ventral connection.
We are all at different stages of life, moving, growing, and transitioning, and all of this is forever unfolding with or without marriage, and even with or without a romantic partner. As we have seen, being single can also be a wonderful place to form loving relationships of all kinds.
The journey to becoming self-full is always long and winding, and healing comes in layers. It's not always easy, and sometimes it will hurt. But the joy that comes from accepting and loving your full self is worth all that you are giving to this process. Along the way, you are discovering that finding love is about being love and allowing other support to show you love. Rather than a goal, this is a process that goes on forever as more of your relationships simply provide the safe space for you to share more of what you already have - and what you already are. You are also gaining more clarity and insight around what helps you feel safe and secure at home within yourself, allowing you to connect more deeply and experience true intimacy in both your inner and outer worlds.
For people who tend to shut down when they're in pain and who cope by holding their emotions in, it can be very hard work to learn to share. For people who get overwhelmed by anxiety, it can feel equally threatening to be asked to take a step back. Both of them are also feeling the powerful pull of deeply ingrained protections. Acknowledging all this can help couples find compassion for each other, and that is a big step toward reconnection. When they do begin to either open or slow down, they likely find that each of them is feeling something very similar: the physical sensations of fear. Speaking about this together can further deepen empathy and connection. Gradually, both are moving out of sympathetic disconnection into ventral connection.
We are all at different stages of life, moving, growing, and transitioning, and all of this is forever unfolding with or without marriage, and even with or without a romantic partner. As we have seen, being single can also be a wonderful place to form loving relationships of all kinds.
The journey to becoming self-full is always long and winding, and healing comes in layers. It's not always easy, and sometimes it will hurt. But the joy that comes from accepting and loving your full self is worth all that you are giving to this process. Along the way, you are discovering that finding love is about being love and allowing other support to show you love. Rather than a goal, this is a process that goes on forever as more of your relationships simply provide the safe space for you to share more of what you already have - and what you already are. You are also gaining more clarity and insight around what helps you feel safe and secure at home within yourself, allowing you to connect more deeply and experience true intimacy in both your inner and outer worlds.
November 3, 2025
DNF 20% - began as a relatively good entry-level book into attachment styles, how anxious and avoidant people interact romantically, and how to identify your core wounds relationshipwise. Sadly, around page 50, the author starts about how our thoughts energetically attract people and situations. Because quantum physics (obviously).
Here is a part of the book for you to understand what I mean (page 57):
"To help you picture the way energy works, let's imagine a solid line of energy connecting your head to your heart. [...] This line of energy begins above our head, connecting us to the universal energy flow, runs through our brain, and to our heart. When we are centered and in alignment, energy flows easily between these three centers, allowing them to connect and exchange information with one another. When this system is running smoothly, we are able to replenish our own energetic resources by connecting to the inner resources we have developed in our healing. We become our own self-renewing sources of free-flowing energy."
I kind of (?) get the concept of energy and what she tries to aim at, but I find it extremely harmful for people who are in a vulnerable state, with real emotional problems, and to tell them their "energy is blocked" (and thus open the door to the whole esoteric world, which will gladly financially exploit their trauma).
If you can look past these parts, there could still be some good advice, since the author holds the opinion that your attachment style is imprinted by your main care givers and by how you experinced love in your life (which seems scientifcally legit).
Personally I just can't stand this esoteric bullshit.
Here is a part of the book for you to understand what I mean (page 57):
"To help you picture the way energy works, let's imagine a solid line of energy connecting your head to your heart. [...] This line of energy begins above our head, connecting us to the universal energy flow, runs through our brain, and to our heart. When we are centered and in alignment, energy flows easily between these three centers, allowing them to connect and exchange information with one another. When this system is running smoothly, we are able to replenish our own energetic resources by connecting to the inner resources we have developed in our healing. We become our own self-renewing sources of free-flowing energy."
I kind of (?) get the concept of energy and what she tries to aim at, but I find it extremely harmful for people who are in a vulnerable state, with real emotional problems, and to tell them their "energy is blocked" (and thus open the door to the whole esoteric world, which will gladly financially exploit their trauma).
If you can look past these parts, there could still be some good advice, since the author holds the opinion that your attachment style is imprinted by your main care givers and by how you experinced love in your life (which seems scientifcally legit).
Personally I just can't stand this esoteric bullshit.
December 21, 2023
Nagy várakozásokkal futottam neki ennek a könyvnek.
Az első harmada nem mondott túl sok újat, mert én ezen az úton már elindultam; tudtam, hogy én is szorongó kötődésű vagyok, és azt is, hogy ez nagyjából mivel jár és honnan jön. Ennek ellenére találtam benne jó néhány hasznos dolgot, és feltépett még néhány régi, mélyen eltemetett sebet is, amikről halvány gőzöm sem volt. Ezáltal most próbálok ezekkel a dolgokkal megbirkózni, és érzem is magamon a hatását (egyelőre csak azt, hogy sebezhetőbb vagyok, de ez később jobb lesz).
A meditációval viszont nem tudtam mit kezdeni, így leírva szerintem nem túl hasznosak a gyakorlatok, elvégre nem lehet egyszerre olvasni, koncentrálni a lépésekre és ellazulni. Ez a megoldás nem tetszett, és relatíve sok ilyen volt benne. A hallgatható verziók segíthetnek, viszont csak angolul elérhetők, ami mondjuk nekem nem baj, de biztosan vannak olyan olvasók, akiknek az.
A Kicsi énnel kapcsolatos gondolatokhoz valószínűleg vissza-vissza fogok térni, mert ha valami, az hatalmas segítség.
Ajánlom szeretettel mindenkinek, aki szeretne elindulni a biztonságos kötődés felé vezető úton, biztosan talál benne néhány megszívlelendő tanácsot.
Az első harmada nem mondott túl sok újat, mert én ezen az úton már elindultam; tudtam, hogy én is szorongó kötődésű vagyok, és azt is, hogy ez nagyjából mivel jár és honnan jön. Ennek ellenére találtam benne jó néhány hasznos dolgot, és feltépett még néhány régi, mélyen eltemetett sebet is, amikről halvány gőzöm sem volt. Ezáltal most próbálok ezekkel a dolgokkal megbirkózni, és érzem is magamon a hatását (egyelőre csak azt, hogy sebezhetőbb vagyok, de ez később jobb lesz).
A meditációval viszont nem tudtam mit kezdeni, így leírva szerintem nem túl hasznosak a gyakorlatok, elvégre nem lehet egyszerre olvasni, koncentrálni a lépésekre és ellazulni. Ez a megoldás nem tetszett, és relatíve sok ilyen volt benne. A hallgatható verziók segíthetnek, viszont csak angolul elérhetők, ami mondjuk nekem nem baj, de biztosan vannak olyan olvasók, akiknek az.
A Kicsi énnel kapcsolatos gondolatokhoz valószínűleg vissza-vissza fogok térni, mert ha valami, az hatalmas segítség.
Ajánlom szeretettel mindenkinek, aki szeretne elindulni a biztonságos kötődés felé vezető úton, biztosan talál benne néhány megszívlelendő tanácsot.
December 20, 2024
Okay. Listened to the audiobook. I don’t feel like I learned much but maybe it would mean more to people who are less familiar with the concept. It felt very repetitive to me, like every chapter was sort of rephrasing the same thing. But it ended strong. There are some good ideas for regulating and communication practices. But it was a slog for me that I may not have finished if I didn’t want to log it on here. 3 because I didn’t find a lot wrong with it, it just didn’t hit for me.
March 27, 2024
If this book taught me anything, it’s that I do not actually have the anxious attachment style and I am relatively secure. I might be anxious-leaning, but still secure.
I liked the parts that talked about parent influence and I’d like to read more about raising secure kids.
*I listened to this as an audio book and did not do the exercises outlined at the end of a few chapters*
I liked the parts that talked about parent influence and I’d like to read more about raising secure kids.
*I listened to this as an audio book and did not do the exercises outlined at the end of a few chapters*
August 31, 2024
A little bit redundant sometimes but overall I can honestly say I realted to this so much I re-read certain parts over and over again. Some very nice exercises and very beautiful guided meditations included. I am so happy to have read this, highly recomendedd to everyone who keeps asking themselves what is love and how to recognize its opposite in a relationship.
September 8, 2025
I appreciated many things about this book and learned a lot more about the Attachment styles .This is not written from a Christian perspective so I definitely didn’t agree with a lot of the bent of the author.
abandoned
April 12, 2024I may come back to this book at some point, but it was triggering my anxiety so I’m abandoning it for now.
September 29, 2025
reality check …
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