The Secret Life of You: How a bit of alone time can change your life, relationships, and maybe the world

by Kerri Sackville

'In this powerful meditation on aloneness – as opposed to loneliness – Kerri blends incisive journalism with critical thinking, research, wit and heartfelt storytelling … For those burned out by busyness and connectedness, this book is life-changing' Ginger Gorman
Why is it so scary to be alone with your own thoughts?
When columnist and commentator Kerri Sackville decided to stop filling every idle moment with distraction and learn to be comfortable alone, her quality of life soared.
From boosting creativity and productivity, improving self-awareness, building resilience and moral courage, to improving relationships and connection with others, a bit of alone time is vital to wellbeing. But with smart phones, social media, endless streaming and podcast options, as well as the demands of work, family and friends, spending meaningful time on your own can feel impossible, unnecessary, or even indulgent.
In The Secret Life of You Kerri Sackville analyses society's attitude towards solitude – why is it okay to eat breakfast at a café on your own but faintly tragic to dine alone? She identifies the roadblocks in the way to unplugging, contemplates aloneness vs loneliness, and looks at the difference between true connection and mere connectivity. Finally, she provides practical advice on how to become comfortable in your own company, in order to enjoy – and even cherish – time alone.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help

298 pages, Kindle Edition

Published April 4, 2023

About the author

I am a mother, wife, friend and writer living life from one crisis to the next.

I live with my husband The Architect, 12 year old Little Man, 10 year old Pinkela, 3 year old Boo, Spunky the unfriendly rabbit, and a ridiculously white couch.

My book, 'When My Husband Does The Dishes', was released in May 2011 with Random House Australia, and is available in all good bookstores, or online here.

In my spare time I enjoy eating Nutella, fantasizing about Simon Baker, drinking caffeine and alcohol with friends, and lying very still on the couch.

Reviews

[Camila - Books Through My Veins · Rating 5 out of 5]

- thanks to Kerri herself for surprising me with a copy of her book and a beautiful, heartfelt (handwritten!) letter that I will always treasure ♥

Throughout my life, I have been dismissed and invalidated for my need for solitude countless times, mainly because I am an expert in masking as an extrovert when confronted with emotionally and mentally demanding social occasions. Although I have solid social skills and have been lucky enough to create and maintain beautiful and nurturing relationships, I am still also a person who loves introspection, solitude and silence. I prefer to be on my own, and I need to isolate myself quite often to recharge and regulate my emotions.

It was not until reading Kerri's book that I found the reassurance and validation I had been craving for a long time.

The Secret Life of You is divided into different sections that address how solitude can improve many areas in our lives, including practical advice at the end of each chapter with recommendations that, in my personal experience, are effortless to implement. Kerri's research and examples are essential to understand the importance of quality alone time to process our thoughts in a healthy way and learn how to slowly walk away from time-consuming, toxic habits.

Kerri's empathy and noble intentions transpire through her writing. Far from being judgmental, she encourages people to think about the importance of losing the fear of our own company and thoughts with kindness and compassion (and lots of humour!). I appreciated Kerri's straightforward writing style, and the vulnerability and warmth embedded in her words. I related incredibly with her commentary on relationships, expectations and self-care, and I felt profound and genuine inspiration to work on learning to celebrate, love, and look after myself.

Overall, The Secret Life of You is an unmissable read that invites us to improve our quality of life by embracing solitude. Relatable, humorous, full of kindness and easy to devour. I highly recommend this book.

[Kerrie Hurrell · Rating 4 out of 5]

As readers we tend to spend a lot of alone time, but despite being an active alone time practitioner, I got so much out of the ideas, quotes, research, and interviews that make up this non fiction read. I am so grateful to have BOF book club choose this for our August read.

[Ryan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Insightful, pretty interesting for someone who is heavily reliant on other people and media for constant stimulation. I agreed with most of the things in this, particularly that solitude is something that’s often demonised and fighting the stigma behind that.

[Anastasiia · Rating 3 out of 5]

The author adeptly captures the essence of the topic, articulating thoughts that were difficult to express. However, repetitive elements unnecessarily extend the book. It proves beneficial for those unfamiliar with the subject, yet offers less to individuals already acquainted with it.

[Mike Beder · Rating 5 out of 5]

A truly life changing book that validates solitude in a world that doesn’t.

[Amy Margaret · Rating 4 out of 5]

.....📚 𝑩𝒐𝒐𝒌 𝑹𝒆𝒗𝒊𝒆𝒘 📚.....

JUN - The Secret Life of You by Kerri Sackville is a book about the importance of alone time, the need to disconnect from others to be able to reconnect with yourself.

Kerri draws attention to the need for solitude in a digital world, where being accessible and switched on is not only the norm but is the ideal. Kerri speaks to the need for all of us to find comfort from within, to be able to enjoy our time alone, not just for our own self care, but to enhance and improve our relationships. As she puts it, "The capacity to comfort yourself is the surest way to safeguard your emotional wellbeing." "Being okay in your own company is essential if you want to be a good friend and partner to other people."

This book was a good reminder that we all need to have the time to switch off and power down. That connecting with oneself is the first step to being able to find fulfilment and balance in our busy lives. Each chapter finishes with a helpful exercise to assist the reader in practising solitude and connection to self. It was a great read for those feeling burnt out and chaotic in their day to day life. Giving this one ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ (4/5).
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Thank you to @panterapress for a complimentary copy of this book in exchange for my honest review.
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[Azalia · Rating 4 out of 5]

I felt a great deal of solidarity reading this book - thank you!

Since 'leaning into' the lockdowns, I have really valued alone time. I started travelling by myself and prioritising time for me, for reflection and deeper understanding of myself. I have a clearer vision of what I want, what I need, my boundaries and what I hope to get out of my life.

I agreed with a lot of the concepts shared in this book and felt that it encapsulated many of the light bulb moments that I had experienced in the last few years.

Not so much of a groundbreaking read for me BUT I felt really seen and understood. I accept myself better. Prior to reading this book I thought perhaps that I was weird that I like to travel alone sometimes!

I've saved some notes about self soothing and mindfulness and supportive things to say to friends. I wish that I had actually saved some of the quotes here from this book before I returned it to the Library

I valued the content so much that I will probably buy myself a copy of this book.

[Malvina · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good for people who felt challenged when coping with the unexpected solitude during Covid lockdown. Lockdown may never happen again but has had such a deep impact on people, leading to them rethinking their lives and jobs and relationships and such. I think I'd like to hear a little more from those who are introvert - Kerri Sackville gave us some of their comments and they were just as fascinating as those (more extrovert) who found being alone so difficult. The author mentions she's atheist, but I also would have enjoyed reading some thoughts from people who value religion - eg. did they fill that solitude with more prayer? Read for book club.

[Sarah Kirby · Rating 5 out of 5]

By far the best book I’ve read this year. Sad for it to finish. Sackville has created a masterpiece investigating solitude, its merit, and our modern day lack of it. She explores the perks & perils, and need for deliberate and purposeful alone time. Many relatable head-nodding moments, and valuable insight around technology, and connectivity. I love that she writes in a colloquial self-assured, informed, but disarming way - like you could literally be having a chat with your mate over the fence. Time well spent, must read.

[Kirsten Maron · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book in one sitting, then reread it immediately, highlighting various passages that really resonate with me. This is a book with an essential message; we should all be spending periods of time on our own, without distraction or company. This book not only outlines the benefits, including increased creativity and getting to really understand yourself, it also uses clever anecdotes to illustrate the key points.
I wasn't sure how this concept could fill a whole book but the author does this so effectively, without any waffling or repeating the points. An engrossing and important read and another triumph for this Australian author. Highly recommend.

[Kel Harry · Rating 3 out of 5]

some real glimmers

This book has some great and lovely points in it and a couple of really engaging chapters but for me it was a lot of quoting other people and story telling which is wonderful but just too much time spent getting the point across.
Many people love this style, I just prefer less examples.
However as I said there are still some wonderful points and moments to this book and definitely worth a read

[D'face · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was a little disappointed, the concept is easily understood but was laboured and there was an enormous preoccupation with social media. I felt that the author’s own experiences detracted from the message.

[Lyn Quilty · Rating 2 out of 5]

Sackville writes fluently and has a friendly, chatty style. However, I found her book to be repetitive, it could have been one third the size and still conveyed her ideas clearly.
I felt like saying ‘yes, I’ve got your point now move on’ while reading.

[Karen Andronicus · Rating 5 out of 5]

A brilliant read by Kerri, yet again. One is never alone when reading her books. Thank you again for such a useful insight into the world of oneself.

[Daisy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. I really needed it too. While it’s not about singledom, it spoke to me about it in ways I hadn’t thought.

[Juliet Sampson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I finished reading this book today. Loved it so much.
It's a book everyone should read.
Congratulations Kerri and Pantera Press.

[Nicole Madigan · Rating 5 out of 5]

As an anxiety prone introvert this book spoke directly to me. A brilliantly insightful topic to explore!

[Lozza · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent book, but I found some parts a little repetitive at times. In saying that, I found it a great resource and easy to identify with. I really enjoyed it and would recommend it to anyone.

[Jacqueline · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this book!!!!

[Ardra KS · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the most important books I've read this year.

[Aman Dhindsa · Rating 3 out of 5]

it was a good change of content.

[Aryani Siti · Rating 4 out of 5]

The lesson is: Spending time alone helps you grow, think clearly, and build better relationships, while too many distractions get in the way.