The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Pleasing, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want

by Natalie Lue

Are you still playing a role you learned in childhood to please others, such as the Good Girl/Boy, the Overachiever, or the Helper? Though these kinds of roles may have gained us attention and affection, they prohibited us from becoming our true selves. People-pleasing--putting others ahead of ourselves to avoid something negative or to get something we want or need--runs rampant in our society. Saying yes when we should say no leaves us stuck in frustrating patterns. And when we don’t say yes authentically, we say it resentfully, which leads to more problems than if we'd said no in the first place. The Joy of Saying No will help you identify your people-pleasing style and habits. A six-step framework then teaches you how to discover the healing and transformative power of no to

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology, Audiobook, Adult, Health, Mental Health

240 pages, Paperback

Published October 3, 2023

Reviews

[Jen · Rating 1 out of 5]

My thanks to libro.fm and Harper Horizon for an ALC of this book to listen to and review.

I completely did not agree with the thought that obedience is a bad thing.

If you are driving on a highway and there is a good amount of traffic on the road with you, if someone decides to travel at a high rate of speed over the posted limit, while ping-ponging in and out of traffic with no signal usage and dangerous tailgating action, your first thought isn't going to be, "Wow! Look at him GO! He scoffs at obeying the rules of safety for the road! How GREAT!"

You first thought is more like, "Gee, I guess he heard there was a two-for-one sale at the male member enlargement boutique and he doesn't want to miss it. Too bad he doesn't realize his entire SELF is a..." (You get the idea.)

Yes, BLIND obedience is bad, BUT obedience with thought and understanding behind it is NOT bad. Yes, fight tyranny, view the rules with a healthy dose of skepticism and fight to change what is wrong, but not ALL rules are tyrannical. Fighting all rules is anarchy.

Yes, I DNF'd at 9%, so I probably missed the point, but I just didn't want to hear anymore of what was being said. I am sure that others can learn a lot from this book, it just wasn't a good fit for me.

1, not my cuppa but might be yours, stars.

[Kathy (Bermudaonion) · Rating 3 out of 5]

I don’t read a lot of self help but I know I’m a people pleaser and THE JOY OF SAYING NO came highly recommended so I decided to give it a try. In it, Lue says there are five types of people pleasers and outlines a plan to learn to say no. I didn’t think I fit in any of the categories she defined and didn’t feel like the plans she outlined really fit me. I also felt like the book wavered between a reference type book to something conversational. Others have benefitted from this book but it wasn’t for me.

[Leah Evans · Rating 3 out of 5]

THE JOY OF SAYING NO REVIEW
⭐️⭐️⭐️ / 5

As a recovering people pleaser who has recently embraced “no” as a complete sentence, this book had a lot of good reminders about people pleasing, setting boundaries and thinking about my bandwidth. Going into a new semester, it made me think about how giving 100% can look different in different circumstances and that’s okay! One of my favorite lines was “burnout is not a badge of honor.” I think we are so engrained in busy culture and hustle culture that we can think we aren’t doing enough, but it’s not worth your mental health to overextend yourself. Overall some good things, but I do think it would be nicer to read over listen to because you can mark more about what things apply to your “style”. It is also a little repetitive from other self help books and podcasts I’ve listened to. Overall good read for the new year!

[kiho · Rating 3 out of 5]

Disclaimer: I've given this only a cursory read and probably will dig deeper.

I'm curious how someone with a BA in industrial design and it seems no formal training in psychology has the confidence to write a self-help book. Kudos, I guess, perfectionists and highly self-critical people, the ones she writes the book for, should all be more like that.

Content-wise I am very torn. The author is onto something, I believe, the first chapters are very intriguing. Once she goes into the 5 types of people-pleasers she distinguishes (gooder, efforter, saver, avoider, sufferer) her advice is highly specific, doesn't account for the possibility that you can be more than 1 type, and is at times almost hazardous. Who came up with the tests she uses to determine whether you are a people pleaser and to which degree? Test theory is not for the faint of heart, it's serious business. That and Lue's web presence where she sells a cornucopia of courses are only two of the problematic aspects which raise serious validity questions.

My biggest problem with her approach is that the author determins the problem again as hers (or yours), instead of saying the problem are toxic, narcissistic people in her (or your) life. She, again, has to work on herself. I wouldn't say I'm a people pleaser. I tried to say what I feel for 30 years at least. The problem is still being shamed, guilted, blackmailed and mistreated for doing what I do, and that you can not do it right, ever. That is not something I have to work on. I just have to learn to keep my distance from people who act that way.

Her general advice regarding toxic people is, if not damaging, then at least misguided. She argues issues, explains facts, communicates her feelings, and all of that is a big no with narcissists because they thrive on that. She seems entirely too innocent about people's intentions - some people do what they do because they feed off of your being unwell. They feed off of you. Readers uninitiated about narcissism might continue their often false hope the relationship can be salvaged because of strategies that assume people are at least ready and able to hear what you say. Narcissists are not.

There is good advice here but everyone with either toxic people or narcissists in their life and/or actual mental health problems would benefit from a self-help guide written by someone with any kind of formal training in psychology.

[Cherise · Rating 5 out of 5]

What an incredible book. I went in thinking this might be a bit bland and tell me everything I already knew, ie: yes I’m a people pleaser. This book delved so much deeper than I had anticipated.

The book digs into the various types of people pleasers, the motivation behind individuals people pleasing and actual strategies for implementing realistic tips and tricks for setting your personal boundaries. I learnt so much about myself when reading this book and felt I had to pause it on and off while I digested what I was learning and how it applied to my life and my people pleasing ways.

Thanks to NetGalley for this advanced copy because I will 100% be buying this book so I can go back through it again with a trusty highlighter. I have already recommended it to two of my friends and can’t wait for them to read it so we can discuss it.

[Oana Lambrache · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Bucuria de a spune nu" este o carte pe care mi-am dorit să citesc de mult timp, o carte pe care aveam nevoie să o citesc deși nu aflasem încă de ea. Pe parcrusul lecturii am descoperit multe lucruri despre mine, dar am și conștientizat mai bine lucruri pe care le intuiam sau le știam atât despre mine, cât și despre cei din jur.

Cartea oferă o privire de ansamblu asupra celor 5 tipuri de persoane care au ca scop să îi mulțumească pe ceilalți: binefăcătorul, zelosul, evitantul, salvatorul și suferindul.
Conform autoarei, fiecare dintre noi are câte o parte din fiecare tip, dar numai unul sau două vor fi dominante. Pe baza explicațiilor, vei decoperi tiparul care te caracterizează, punctele forte, la ce anume să fii atent, dar și un scurt ghid despre cum să spui "nu".

3️⃣ motive pentru care această carte ți-ar plăcea:
📌 "Nu trebuie să aștepți până când vei fi "suficient de bun" sau "perfect". Ai venit pe lume suficient de bun și vei pleca de aici la fel. (...) Și nu trebuie să fii perfect..."
📌 "Mai întâi cine n-a greși față de copiii lui? Dacă n-ai fi greșit, aș fi fost îngrijorată. (...) Reeducarea te va ajuta să schimbi dinamica relației cu copilul/copiii." (fragmentul care m-a făcut să plâng)
📌 "Recunoașterea bagajului din spatele răspunsurilor tale îți dă voie să recunoști copilul din tine și să accepți experiențele care ți-au provocat durere".

[Sorina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Voiam să citesc cartea de ceva timp. Este foarte valoroasă pentru toți people-pleaser-ii. Sau pentru cei care au fost people pleaser și mai există în ei mici rămășițe din acel comportament.
Este o carte care îți pune oglinda in față și te determină să-ți privești comportamentul și să reflectezi la eventualele cauze care l-au determinat încă din copilărie. Și dacă nu identifici la tine niciunul dintre comportamentele descrise în carte, sigur îți va fi de ajutor in identificarea și înțelegerea comportamentelor anumitor persoane dragi, cunoștințe etc.

[Lily Heron · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm about halfway through at the moment and I've stopped on the gathering data section, but I continued reading up to the end to confirm what I thought in the first half, which is that this is an essential book for perfectionists struggling with boundary issues. Everything felt like essential reading and I'd really recommend it. I'm planning to get my own physical copy once it's released.

I'm grateful to NetGalley for providing an ARC of this book in return for an honest review.

[Kelsey Lomond · Rating 2 out of 5]

Turns out I’m not a people pleaser!

I read this book for a book club and I found it to be unbearably repetitive, although I feel this was intentional. Getting into the types of pleasers there were a lot of “this is your style if…” statements that were overly generalized/generic that most people can’t relate to, not necessarily making it a “pleaser” behaviour. If you are someone with unhealthy pleasing habits perhaps it would resonate more than it did for me but overall this was not my cup of tea.

[mars · Rating 5 out of 5]

Das ist mein 4. Buch zum Thema Grenzen, da dachte ich, da wird nichts bahnbrechendes mehr kommen… und jetzt hab ich meinen Textmarker leer gemarkert :D

Super viele gute Punkte, die mir noch mal mehr Sichtweisen zu dem Thema geliefert haben. Intelligent erklärt und trotzdem total verständlich und auf den Punkt.

Insgesamt sehr zu empfehlen.

[Nancy · Rating 1 out of 5]

Fell flat completely, dnf because the friendly manner of reading what I can only take as textbook paragraphs kept making me feel like I was in therapy with a doctor that had no interest in the particular case.
I am super disappointed

[Esme Kemp · Rating 4 out of 5]

Definitely got told about myself in this one!!!

[Ashlyn Cox · Rating 1 out of 5]

There is some good info in here, don't get me wrong. But, I DNFed this one almost halfway through because it was SOOOOOO repetitive

[Leah · Rating 5 out of 5]

"And then... she snapped."

No, I'm not talking about the Oxygen show, I'm talking about myself. A few weeks ago, I had a breakdown of epic proportions. It was scary, concerning, and worst of all, I didn't even know WHY it happened. I asked my therapist for an emergency session, because I thought I was just really depressed... but that's not exactly what was going on. She helped me realize I was ignoring my own emotions. I was overextending myself. I was feeling like I had no control over my own life and no ability to set boundaries. I started to process everything by writing out my emotions and gained some clarity. Then, I stumbled upon an NPR Life Kit segment with Natalie Lue titled "How to say 'no' and stop being a people pleaser", and pieces started falling into place. I listened to some of Natalie's podcast, then I started listening to the audiobook of "The Joy of Saying No", and it all started to click.

I went rogue. I didn't recognize myself. One simple request made me burst into a fit of anger and despair. I wanted to throw my phone into the ocean and move off grid. I wanted to delete all my social media and never talk to anyone ever again. It was extreme. Why? Because I didn't realize I was already over capacity. Not only that, but I came to realize I have a tendency toward codependency in friendships and relationships. I unnecessarily deplete myself, and I'm not even consciously aware of it.

This book broke down my breakdown. I realized I'm not alone, and that it was, in fact, a very normal thing that happens when people ignore and override the signs their body and mind try to give them that they need to take a breather and set boundaries. Who knew? Definitely not me. But I do now. I found myself nodding nearly incessantly while listening to this audiobook. Lue dissects several different types of people pleasers: gooders, efforters, avoiders, savers, and sufferers. I fall mostly into the "savers" camp, which naturally comes with having codependent tendencies, but I related to the "gooders" and "avoiders" as well. I also recognized some people in my life have traits of "efforters" and "sufferers".

"The Joy of Saying No" gave me tremendous insight into not only myself but the people around me. It is also filled with scripts that can be tweaked to fit any unique situation in which you're struggling to set a boundary. I listened to the audiobook, but I also purchased the physical book so I can go back through the most relatable parts, re-read and highlight them, process them in relation to my own emotions, and share sections with friends and family. Lue encourages readers to make lists, process their feelings and emotions, and take certain steps in such a way that this book can also be used as a "recovering people pleaser workbook". She just... gets it, and I feel infinitely calmer and saner having stumbled upon this absolute gem of a self help book.

Highly, highly recommend.

[Robert Stevens · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an eye-opening book about the power of no and the joy that can come from saying it as it is an acceptable boundary and it is not selfish to say no like some parts of society suggest. This book has opened my eyes to many thing a such as compliance to expectations doesn’t and shouldn’t determine if you are good and that we comply to keep the peace even if there is no peace within us. Through this book, I have learned the various forms of people-pleasing and how perfectionism and efforting have played and do play pivotal roles in my life as I do view effort as a sign of goodness and is necessary to prove worth. Consequently, an efforter like me has a hard time with failure and can view many things as personal failures even when they are not. People who make an effort don’t always get the results they want. Despite effort, things don’t always work out despite the effort. This book also encourages to us to consider the implicit or explicit agenda behind our actions and the actions of others. Lastly, something that this book challenges us to do is to consider if our actions and words are based on what we want to do or based on what is expected of us from others. We should do and say things because we want to do and to say things not out of duty or obligation. To act out of duty or obligation is to create room for resentment.

[Klara · Rating 5 out of 5]

Mir hat "Du musst nicht allen gefallen" von Natalie Lue sehr gut gefallen. So gut, dass ich es während des Lesens schon mehrfach weiterempfohlen habe. Das Buch wirbt für sich mit einem ansprechenden Titel und einem noch besseren Untertitel. Es soll also um das "Nein"-Sagen gehen.

Lue gliedert ihr Buch in drei Teile. Zu Beginn geht es vorallem um die Vorteile die ein Nein für einen selbst bedeuten kann und warum es so schwierig ist, wenn man immer jedem Menschen gefallen möchte. Dann berichtet sie von fünf verschiedenen Typen von "People Pleasern" ehe sie zuletzt ganz praktisch auf bestimmte Situationen oder Möglichkeiten eingeht, wie man mehr zu sich selbst und einem eigenen Bewusstsein kommen kann.

Self-Help ist sonst eher weniger meine Schiene, aber insbesondere weil es hier nicht um sinnloses manifestieren, sondern ganz praktisch um das Erwirken von Veränderungen im eigenen Alltag durch Taten ging, fand ich dieses Buch so gut. Ich kenne viel zu viele Menschen, mich eingenommen, die die Bedürfnisse anderer tagtäglich über die eigenen stellen. Viel zu oft kam ich mir ertappt vor, gleichzeitig aber auch immer mit einer Spur Erleichterung: "Ich bin nicht allein damit".

Leider habe ich das Buch als Hörbuch gehört. Viele Passagen hätte ich gern unterstrichen oder nochmal gelesen. Ich habe mich jedoch schon entschieden: Das Buch wird zeitnah nachgekauft, damit ich es immer mal wieder hervorholen und mich daran erinnern kann, wie wichtig es ist zu lernen die eigenen Grenzen zu erkennen, zu respektieren und anderen zu verbalisieren.

[Joanne Hattersley · Rating 4 out of 5]

I picked this book as saying “no" is something (at almost 51) that I’ve just learned to do. For 30 years it was yes to all my nursing patients needs. Then yes to all my late husbands needs. Then yes to all my late Mums needs. Now I say no. Now is my time.

When my late husband died, "friends’ disappeared. Now I have learned to say no to them. I’m not going to wait till I suit their needs. Friendship is a partnership. One of those friends said ‘I’ll call you boxing day’. I never got that call and never heard from that person again.

I have learned to say ‘no, I want….’ And ‘no I would like to…..’ Instead of ‘yes, whatever you want is fine’ I’ve learned to reflect on episodes of my past where others have controlled me in a subtle way.

This book was great. Reflection, reevaluation and moving forward.

[Andrea · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5-4.75/5

[Kelly Pramberger · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am all about setting boundaries and learning to say no without feeling guilty. I was thankful to NetGalley for providing an advanced copy of this book for the purpose of the review. I enjoyed each chapter that Lue provided in her book.

"The Joy of Saying No will help you identify your people-pleasing style and habits. A six-step framework then teaches you how to discover the healing and transformative power of no to establish healthier boundaries,
foster more intimate relationships and fulfilling experiences, and reconnect with your values and authentic self."

[Harriet Shearsmith · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly recommend it if you’re struggling with people pleasing, saying no and boundaries. It will absolutely help you to lean into those uncomfortable feelings 🧡

[Oraya · Rating 3 out of 5]

“What do I need? What am I feeling? How can I support myself?”
I have so many questions now

[Kim Coenen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Gezonde grenzen stellen is iets wat ik erg moeilijk vind. Daarom lijkt dit boek me uitermate geschikt voor mij om bewuster te worden van mijn gedrag, de achtergrond daarvan én hoe ik dit gedrag kan veranderen. Ik ben enorm benieuwd of dit boek me hierbij kan en gaat helpen. Deze hele simpele en heldere cover spreekt me erg aan en vind ik perfect afgestemd op het onderwerp van het boek.
 
Zeg jij vaak nee? Aan de hand van een simpel stappenplan legt Natalie Lue je uit hoe je kan stoppen met pleasen en zo dichterbij je authentieke zelf te komen. Hoe vaak zeg jij 'ja', terwijl je 'nee' wilt zeggen? Ga je hierbij aan jezelf voorbij? Doorbreek je patronen en stop met pleasen en andere boven jezelf te stellen. Kies voor een betere relatie met jezelf en je omgeving. Hierdoor ervaar je ongetwijfeld meer geluk in je leven.
 
Natalie Lue schrijft helder, open en toegankelijk. Hierdoor is het een boek geworden wat fijn en prettig leest.

Het verhaal kent een heldere opbouw die is opgedeeld in drie delen. In het eerste deel, stelt Natalie Lue de vraag of je een people pleaser bent en wat dat precies inhoudt. Het mooie aan dit deel is dat ze ook haar eigen persoonlijke verhaal deelt als enorme people pleaser waarbij ze zichzelf constant wegcijferde en te veel van zichzelf vroeg.

In het tweede deel gaat Natalie Lue dieper in op het aspect van de verschillende soorten pleasers. Ze deelt deze op in vijf verschillende soorten; het 'goede' doen, je best doen, vermijden, redden, lijden. Deze vijf verschillende types diept ze, hierbij gaat ze ook op zoek naar de achterliggende reden van dit gedrag. Ook de verschillende praktijkvoorbeelden, zorgen ervoor dat je een goed en volledig beeld krijgt van de verschillende soorten pleasers die er zijn. Vooral dit was voor mij erg leerzaam. Ik weet nu overduidelijk welk type ik ben en waar het gedrag vandaan komt.

In het derde deel neemt ze je mee door de zes stappen om met plezier nee te leren zeggen. Ook hierin definieert ze weer per stap aan de hand van de type pleaser hoe deze stap het beste genomen kan worden. Ook dit was enorm verhelderend, motiverend en leerzaam. Door de voorbeelden die ze geeft zie ik ook echt de mogelijkheden hoe het gedrag doorbroken kan worden en kan worden veranderd. Wat ook sterk is aan haar verhaal is dat ze ook de kant belicht dat dingen niet ineens lukken en je ongetwijfeld meerdere malen de fout in zal gaan. Ook dit weet ze motiverend te belichten.

Het plezier van nee zeggen, is enorm toegankelijk en helder geschreven. Ze legt niet enkel uit hoe het please gedrag doorbroken kan worden, maar Natalie Lue duikt er dieper in en zoekt ook naar de achterliggende oorzaak van je gedrag. Wanneer je je daarvan bewust bent, kan je aan de hand van de zes stappen doelgericht actie ondernemen. Een enorm leerzaam en inspirerend boek.

[Kimberly Tierney · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a book that I wish had been written a decade ago. I needed this book in my 20s and early 30s. If you are a people pleaser and have not hit your breaking point yet, then you need to read this book. Or maybe you have hit your breaking point but don’t know where to go next. This book is filled with helpful ways to get yourself into a healthier relationship with both yourself and those around you.

[Steph · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is THE book for me— found myself nodding often… and wishing I had a physical copy to be annotating. I definitely plan to get a physical copy to take notes down/highlight/flag by hand. Overall, I found this really well-organized and inviting for anyone looking to reexamine their motivations/actions and how to reevaluate their purposes and goals with people pleasing in mind.

[Lily · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought this book was a very interesting way of looking at how you perceive your relationships. Especially if you have issues with boundaries, enmeshment, and overbearing family members, I can see this book being very helpful for you! It didn’t apply to me completely, but I definitely related to some of the points very strongly. I will recommend this book to friends in the future.

[Julie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I appreciated the author’s candidness and straight talk. If you are prone to people pleasing, this is a helpful read. We all have emotional baggage which influences our choices. This book guides you through a process of evaluating why you say “yes” and how to say no when you need to.

[Krista · Rating 3 out of 5]

I got lots of good input from this book. It’s a fine line to walk…not feeling like you always have to agree to something because you are a people pleaser and saying yes to some things because you do care and want to make a difference in someone’s life.
I do think we can fill our lives so full with “obligations” and run on burn out.
There were definitely some thoughts in this book that didn’t aline with my Christian values but I still was left
with a lot of good things to process!

[Hailey Strother · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a people pleaser in progress, I would definitely recommend to my fellow anxious people!

[Becky Ginther · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really enjoyed this one - lots of good, important stuff in here. I listened to the audiobook and found myself wanting to write down or remember enough things that I ended up purchasing a physical copy of the book and I'm going to give it a re-read. I'll add a more detailed review after the second read!

[Tiffany Amber · Rating 3 out of 5]

thanks so this book i’ve realised i am the biggest people pleaser ever 🤣 but now know some good points as to why i am the way i am and how i can improve!