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Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples
Getting the Love You A Guide for Third Edition. Professionally spiraled and resold by a third party. This spiraled book is not necessarily affiliated with, endorsed by, or authorized by the publisher, distributor, or author.
352 pages, Spiral-bound
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About the author
Harville Hendrix
84 books244 followersHarville Hendrix, Ph.D., is the author of Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, a New York Times bestseller that has sold more than two million copies. He has more than thirty years’ experience as an educator and therapist. He specializes in working with couples in private practice, teaching marital therapy to therapists, and conducting couples workshops across the country. Dr. Hendrix is the founder/director of the Imago Institute for Relationship Therapy. He lives in New Jersey and New Mexico.
http://us.macmillan.com/author/harvil...
http://us.macmillan.com/author/harvil...
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Displaying 1 - 3 of 3 reviews
December 29, 2025
My notes from the book:
Quotes:
Matches are no longer made in heaven, they are made by computer algorithms
Old brain (reptilian and limbic) categorise ppl into 6 categories: nurture, to be nurtured by, have sex with, run away from, submit to, attack.
We try to fill the emptiness with food and drugs and activities, but what we truly yearn for is the joyful connection and the sensation of feeling fully alive that we experienced as very young children.
Above all we crave the sensation of feeling truly alive that is triggered when we experience connection.
The person you are attracted to most likely has the positive and the negative traits of your parents.
When I’m with you I no longer feel alone, I feel whole, complete.
3 declarations of love : phenomena of timelessness ( when you feel like you’ve known the person forever); phenomena of reunification ( exact feeling of finding someone you call home ); phenomena of necessity ( when you acknowledge you can’t live without this person)
At some point most people discover that something about their partner awakens strong memories of childhood pain.
People either pick imago images, project them or portray them
The minimizer is the turtle and the maximizer is the hailstorm
From childhood we learn that the louder we scream the faster our caregiver comes to our rescue. When we’re adults we use: “ when frustrated provoke people around you. Be as unpleasant as possible until someone coms to your rescue”
It is only when we see love relationship as a vehicle for change and self growth that we can begin to satisfy our unconscious yearnings.
On criticism:
Criticism are disguised statements of your own unmet needs.
When you dislike partners behaviour, as yourself:
- how do I feel when my partner acts this way?
- What thoughts do I have when my partner acts this way?
- What deeper feelings might underline these thoughts and feelings?
- Did I ever have these thoughts and feelings when I was a child?
Some criticism of my partner can help me identify my own lost self.
Jesuss quote: cast out the log in your own eye so that you can see the note in your brothers eye.
Criticism in all shapes and forms is detrimental to relationship
Dialogue building: mirroring, empathising and validating
Exercise: caring behaviour (child vs caregiver), bahaviour change request dialogue,
Negative talk and anger talk is like blowing on a flame, the fire will only get larger
It has to be reframed
Most of us haven’t heard someone say to us in a strong voice “I love you”, but we’ve heard people yell: “Be quite”, “Go Away”..etc
10 step approach to conscious partnership:
1. Exercise one
2. Read and recite relationship vision
3. Do the partner caregiver child dialogue
4. Exercise 7-8
5. Exercise 9
6. 2-3 caring behaviours a day
7. 2-3 caring behaviours a day; surprise and high energy pleasurable activities
8. 2-3 caring behaviours; surprises; daily positive flooding; exercise 16
9. All same + ex 17-18
10. Recite relationship vision
Exercise 1: Relationship Vision
Purpose: align
Direction: on paper describe perfect vision of relationship. Write what is already great (e.g. we have great sex)
Share between each other. Underline same ones. Add the cool ones to each others lists.
Make importance list.
Now combine 2 lists. Put somewhere you can see it.
Exercise 2: Childhood wunds
Purpose: construct your imago
Description: stretch, relax in your body.
Imagine childhood home, yourself young, go through the rooms, find a person who has influenced you deeply as a child, note their positive and negative traits, tell them what you enjoyed about being with them, tell them what you didn’t like, share your sorrows, hurt, open your eyes, write it down.
Exercise 3: imago workup
Basically writing down the imago
Exercise 4: childhood frustrations
Purpose: clarify the major childhood frustrations
Description: frustration and response two columns. (E.g. frustration: didn’t get enough attention from my older sister. Response: kept trying to get her attention, did as she told me to).
Exercise 5: parent caregiver dialogue
Purpose: to deepen your memory of your childhood and increase your empathy for each other
Directions: 2 roles. Role play. Parent says I am your parent. What is it like living with me? What is it like to be my child? Perform the mirroring, validating, empathising.
What is the worst part of all of that for you? What are the good things I experience living with you? What do you need from me the most?
Then I am no longer your parent, I am your partner. Thank you for sharing that with me.
Exercise 6: partner profile
Purpose: what you like/dislike about your partner
Description: positive and negative traits description (of a partner).
Exercise 10: caring behaviour
Purpose: what pleases you/your partner
Description: write lists (e.g. fill my coffee cup when it’s empty; massage my back, tell me you love me, bring me surprise presents)
Exercise 11: the surprise list
Description: list of actual things that the partner can choose from for a surprise
Exercise 12: fun list
List of fun and exciting activities
Exercise 13: positive flooding
Description: physical traits, character traits, behaviours, global affirmations
Exercise 14: the behaviour change request dialogue
Description: what he does + how it makes me feel.
Examples:
Global Desire: I would like to feel safe and relaxed when
you are driving.
Specific Request r: For the next month, when you are driv-ing, I would like you to obey the speed limit. If the road conditions are bad, I would like you to drive even more Specific Request 2: For the next two weeks, before we get into the car, tell me that you will drive within the speed limit, and give me a hug.
Specific Request 3: Two times next week, have a dialogue with me for fifteen minutes and ask me how I feel when you drive beyond the speed limit and help me connect my fear to childhood.
Global Desire: I would like you to always comfort me when I'm upset.
Specific Request I: For the next month, when I tell you that I am upset, I would like you to put your arms around me and give me your full attention for five minutes.
Specific Request 2: Twice this week, I would like you to go for a walk with me after dinner so we can talk about each other's day without interruption.
Specific Request 3: This week, whenever I tell you that I am upset, I would like you to look directly at me, listen carefully, and reflect back to me what I said.
Exercise 15: holding exercise
Description: one holds another
Exercise 16: eliminating negativity
Exercise 17: zero negativity
Description: Ask for a redo. Take time out, start over, and redo the transaction.
* Model for your partner how he or she might resend the message so it doesn't produce a put-down.
* Offer a reconnecting behavior, a single behavior like an apology, flowers, or a hug.
* It the put-down needs more attention, ask for an Imago Dialogue.
* Create your own reconnecting process.
Conclude this reconnecting process with an appreciation
Quotes:
Matches are no longer made in heaven, they are made by computer algorithms
Old brain (reptilian and limbic) categorise ppl into 6 categories: nurture, to be nurtured by, have sex with, run away from, submit to, attack.
We try to fill the emptiness with food and drugs and activities, but what we truly yearn for is the joyful connection and the sensation of feeling fully alive that we experienced as very young children.
Above all we crave the sensation of feeling truly alive that is triggered when we experience connection.
The person you are attracted to most likely has the positive and the negative traits of your parents.
When I’m with you I no longer feel alone, I feel whole, complete.
3 declarations of love : phenomena of timelessness ( when you feel like you’ve known the person forever); phenomena of reunification ( exact feeling of finding someone you call home ); phenomena of necessity ( when you acknowledge you can’t live without this person)
At some point most people discover that something about their partner awakens strong memories of childhood pain.
People either pick imago images, project them or portray them
The minimizer is the turtle and the maximizer is the hailstorm
From childhood we learn that the louder we scream the faster our caregiver comes to our rescue. When we’re adults we use: “ when frustrated provoke people around you. Be as unpleasant as possible until someone coms to your rescue”
It is only when we see love relationship as a vehicle for change and self growth that we can begin to satisfy our unconscious yearnings.
On criticism:
Criticism are disguised statements of your own unmet needs.
When you dislike partners behaviour, as yourself:
- how do I feel when my partner acts this way?
- What thoughts do I have when my partner acts this way?
- What deeper feelings might underline these thoughts and feelings?
- Did I ever have these thoughts and feelings when I was a child?
Some criticism of my partner can help me identify my own lost self.
Jesuss quote: cast out the log in your own eye so that you can see the note in your brothers eye.
Criticism in all shapes and forms is detrimental to relationship
Dialogue building: mirroring, empathising and validating
Exercise: caring behaviour (child vs caregiver), bahaviour change request dialogue,
Negative talk and anger talk is like blowing on a flame, the fire will only get larger
It has to be reframed
Most of us haven’t heard someone say to us in a strong voice “I love you”, but we’ve heard people yell: “Be quite”, “Go Away”..etc
10 step approach to conscious partnership:
1. Exercise one
2. Read and recite relationship vision
3. Do the partner caregiver child dialogue
4. Exercise 7-8
5. Exercise 9
6. 2-3 caring behaviours a day
7. 2-3 caring behaviours a day; surprise and high energy pleasurable activities
8. 2-3 caring behaviours; surprises; daily positive flooding; exercise 16
9. All same + ex 17-18
10. Recite relationship vision
Exercise 1: Relationship Vision
Purpose: align
Direction: on paper describe perfect vision of relationship. Write what is already great (e.g. we have great sex)
Share between each other. Underline same ones. Add the cool ones to each others lists.
Make importance list.
Now combine 2 lists. Put somewhere you can see it.
Exercise 2: Childhood wunds
Purpose: construct your imago
Description: stretch, relax in your body.
Imagine childhood home, yourself young, go through the rooms, find a person who has influenced you deeply as a child, note their positive and negative traits, tell them what you enjoyed about being with them, tell them what you didn’t like, share your sorrows, hurt, open your eyes, write it down.
Exercise 3: imago workup
Basically writing down the imago
Exercise 4: childhood frustrations
Purpose: clarify the major childhood frustrations
Description: frustration and response two columns. (E.g. frustration: didn’t get enough attention from my older sister. Response: kept trying to get her attention, did as she told me to).
Exercise 5: parent caregiver dialogue
Purpose: to deepen your memory of your childhood and increase your empathy for each other
Directions: 2 roles. Role play. Parent says I am your parent. What is it like living with me? What is it like to be my child? Perform the mirroring, validating, empathising.
What is the worst part of all of that for you? What are the good things I experience living with you? What do you need from me the most?
Then I am no longer your parent, I am your partner. Thank you for sharing that with me.
Exercise 6: partner profile
Purpose: what you like/dislike about your partner
Description: positive and negative traits description (of a partner).
Exercise 10: caring behaviour
Purpose: what pleases you/your partner
Description: write lists (e.g. fill my coffee cup when it’s empty; massage my back, tell me you love me, bring me surprise presents)
Exercise 11: the surprise list
Description: list of actual things that the partner can choose from for a surprise
Exercise 12: fun list
List of fun and exciting activities
Exercise 13: positive flooding
Description: physical traits, character traits, behaviours, global affirmations
Exercise 14: the behaviour change request dialogue
Description: what he does + how it makes me feel.
Examples:
Global Desire: I would like to feel safe and relaxed when
you are driving.
Specific Request r: For the next month, when you are driv-ing, I would like you to obey the speed limit. If the road conditions are bad, I would like you to drive even more Specific Request 2: For the next two weeks, before we get into the car, tell me that you will drive within the speed limit, and give me a hug.
Specific Request 3: Two times next week, have a dialogue with me for fifteen minutes and ask me how I feel when you drive beyond the speed limit and help me connect my fear to childhood.
Global Desire: I would like you to always comfort me when I'm upset.
Specific Request I: For the next month, when I tell you that I am upset, I would like you to put your arms around me and give me your full attention for five minutes.
Specific Request 2: Twice this week, I would like you to go for a walk with me after dinner so we can talk about each other's day without interruption.
Specific Request 3: This week, whenever I tell you that I am upset, I would like you to look directly at me, listen carefully, and reflect back to me what I said.
Exercise 15: holding exercise
Description: one holds another
Exercise 16: eliminating negativity
Exercise 17: zero negativity
Description: Ask for a redo. Take time out, start over, and redo the transaction.
* Model for your partner how he or she might resend the message so it doesn't produce a put-down.
* Offer a reconnecting behavior, a single behavior like an apology, flowers, or a hug.
* It the put-down needs more attention, ask for an Imago Dialogue.
* Create your own reconnecting process.
Conclude this reconnecting process with an appreciation
February 26, 2025
It is a good book. If you have a good relationship I do not recommend reading it. It can cause issues that where not present.
January 5, 2026
Love their theory, and their examples make for a great read. Exercises provided after readers fully understand the program. Highly recommend for couples!
Displaying 1 - 3 of 3 reviews