Creating a Life: Professional Women and the Quest For Children

by Sylvia Ann Hewlett

A provocative and thought-provoking book, filled with personal stories, examines the results of a nationwide survey, which shows that 40% of women earning $50,000 or more a year are childless at age forty-five, and provides an innovative way of approaching the question of motherhood vs. career for a new generation of women. 50,000 first printing.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Feminism, Psychology

352 pages, Hardcover

First published April 10, 2002

Reviews

[Lacey Louwagie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Around the Year Book Challenge Item #9: A book mentioned in another book

So, this challenge item was mightily easy for me. One of my biggest problems when I read non-fiction is that non-fiction tends to cite other works, and by the time I've finished one non-fiction book, I've got a list of 10 more on the same subject that I want to read. That's how I came across this book, which was definitely mentioned in Why Have Kids?: A New Mom Explores the Truth About Parenting and Happiness, and was also possibly/probably mentioned in The Truth Behind the Mommy Wars: Who Decides What Makes a Good Mother? and/or The Feminine Mistake: Are We Giving Up Too Much?. At any rate, I know I came across it referenced in more than one book.

After reading it, I can see why it's such a divisive book in the feminist community. On the one hand, Hewlett cannot, and should not, be faulted for her emphasis in this book, which is that women who want to have successful careers and children need to put some serious thought and planning into how to make that work. She spends a lot of time driving home the fact that women do not have "endless" time to decide on the issue of children, and that not acting fast enough can lead to a de facto decision not to have them. She also cuts through the myth that reproductive technology can allow "anyone" to get pregnant at any time in their lives, which is definitely something women should have open eyes about. Perhaps it's because I've never worked in industries as "high-powered" as the women profiled in this book, but I was surprised by how "common" Hewlett makes it seem that women expect to still get pregnant "well into their 40s." Perhaps it's a sign of this book's age (first published in 2001), but I and most of the other women I know have received quite the opposite message: start popping out babies ASAP or else.

So while Hewlett's urging for women to be proactive about the decision about children while they still have a good chance of having them is important, her insistence that women must "plan" for this sits somewhat less well with me. While women who want a family need to welcome opportunities to meet and build a life with someone, Hewlett's implication that you could "schedule" this sort of thing the way you can schedule a career trajectory was somewhat off-putting. Although she never comes out and says it, the tacit message seems to be that it would be better to "settle" for someone while the getting is good than it is to wait for it to happen naturally. And although it would have been nice for me to have the luxury of thinking of starting a family earlier, I have no regrets that I waited as long as I did for the "right man" to come along, nor do I regret the many years I spent as a single woman that were absolutely crucial to shaping my identity. In addition, Hewlett seems totally blind to the flip side of having children earlier than one might want, which is the possibility of resenting them for the strain they put on your work, your career, and your relationship. Instead, the message seems to be that if you have the opportunity to marry/start a family in your twenties, you should do it, no questions asked.

Another troubling thread in this book was the insinuation that successful women will/do have more trouble finding a mate, so that perhaps they should be willing to make some "compromises" in their ambitions to do so. She profiled several women who seemed to be in promising relationships that didn't survive because eventually the dude just couldn't deal with the woman's devotion to her work -- but my thought about those guys is, if he can't handle a strong woman, Good riddance! But Hewlett seems to say that a good relationship may be one of the sacrifices you'll make as a career-driven woman, when any relationship that requires a woman to be less than what she can or wants to be is NOT a good one to begin with.

Although this book was published over 15 years ago, work culture has changed very little in that time, and the dilemmas Hewlett poses between work and family for women are still alive and well. Like other books of this nature, Hewlett calls upon women -- who are already stretched too thin -- to also take up the charge of changing workplace culture. As daunting as it can be to do that, the feeling I took with me after reading this book is not that women need to work harder and plan better to "have it all," which is the message Hewlett means to impart, but that women DO still have to choose, and that one should, at the very least, become clear upfront about which aspect of her life she would rather sacrifice while we wait for the U.S. to catch up with the rest of the developed world when it comes to work-life balance.

The woman profiled in this book are highly competitive and highly driven. Work swallows their lives. And while I have gone through periods of my own life when it felt like this was the case, I was not happy. The big question in my mind was whether these women loved what they did enough to make all the stress and sacrifice worth it. That was never really addressed, and so it was hard for me to fathom why women would stay in jobs for so long that shredded their health and personal lives.

Of course, this book deals with such intimate topics that it's bound to push a few buttons, and I still feel pretty ambivalent about it. But I rated it four stars anyway because a) Hewlett is not responsible for my own emotional reaction to her work; and b) it IS good for women to be aware of these issues even if it is painful; and c) it is eminently readable; the pages turned fast once I got started even though initially the subject matter seemed daunting to me.

I very much wish that this book had become irrelevant by now, but sadly it has not. And that might be what I liked about it least of all.

[Steven H · Rating 5 out of 5]

ANALYSIS AND INTERVIEWS OF WOMEN WHO WANTED, BUT DIDN’T HAVE CHILDREN

Sylvia Ann Hewitt is a British-born economist and author who wrote in the Introduction to this 2002 book, “I planned to write … a book of interviews with women facing 50 at the millennium… to create a series of …. Portraits celebrating the achievements of … that first generation of women who broke through the barriers and became powerful figures in fields previously dominated by men… But as I began meeting with these women those themes got pushed aside as I confronted one remarkable fact: NONE OF THESE WOMEN HAD CHILDREN…

“So I went back to ask the obvious: Had these women wanted children? And if they had wanted children, why didn’t they have any?’ … another astonishing fact emerged: None of these women had chosen to be childless. No one said, ‘I sat down and decided that motherhood was not for me. I planned on devoting my life to building a huge career. I wanted celebrity/power/money---children were an easy trade-off.’ This is NOT what these women said. Rather, they told haunting stories of children being crowded out of their lives by high-maintenance careers and needy partners… When I talked to these women about children, their sense of loss was palpable…

“In retrospect, I ask myself why I expected these women to have easily given up one of life’s great joys: children. After all, men don’t… I uncovered a range of complicated emotions. Some of these women blamed career, some blamed men, many blamed themselves… All wished they had found a way to have children… I was deeply impressed by the unfairness of it all and decided I needed to find out why so many seriously accomplished women face such painful choices on the family front.” (Pg. 1-4)

She recalls, “During my thirties… it was clear to me that the mounting pressures of [my] high-profile job were beginning to crown the legitimate demands of my then-small children. I was becoming a burned-out, tuned-out wife and mother… I resigned the week of my 39th birthday… I knew that… this was the end of my ‘male,’ on-track career… I would never be seen again as an up-and-coming hotshot… But I knew what I had to do. I went home, regrouped, and started a new career as an author and activist. I worked odd hours… and saw a great deal of my kids.” (Pg. 19)

Later, she adds, “I know what it feels like to be a premenopausal woman yearning for that one last baby… Infertility clinics and adoption agencies were beginning to shut me out… In the end, Richard [her husband] and I won this high-stakes, high-tech battle… I gave birth just after my 51st birthday… I know full well that only a tiny percentage of women who attempt IVF after age 45 actually achieve a live birth.” (Pg. 22-23)

In Chapter 1, she states, “There is a secret out there… At mid-life, between a third and a half of all high-achieving women in America do not have children. A nationwide survey of high-earning career women … show that 33% of them are childless at ages 40-55… By and large, these high-achieving women have not chosen to be childless. The vast majority yearn for children. Indeed, many…. subject themselves to humiliating medical procedures, shell out tens of thousands of dollars, and derail their careers. Mostly to no avail… Why has the age-old business of having babies become so difficult for today’s high-achieving women?” (Pg. 33-34)

She notes, “Nowadays, the rule of thumb seems to be that the more successful the woman, the less likely it is she will find a husband or bear a child. For men the reverse is true. The more successful the man, the more likely he is to be married with children.” (Pg. 41-42)

She tells the stories of “nine enormously accomplished and courageous women who have elected to talk openly about their lives and their struggles… When I asked… why they were willing to open up their lives---exposing wounds, reliving pain---several told me straight out that they … wanted to forewarn and forearm younger women.” (Pg. 82)

She states, “I can’t tell you how many times women I interviewed apologized for ‘wanting it all.’ It always made me angry… They were quite prepared to shoulder more than their fair share of the work involved in having both career and family. So why on earth shouldn’t they feel entitled to rich, multidimensional lives? At the end of the day, women simply want the choices in love and work that men take so completely for granted.” (Pg. 84)

She asks, “So why are so few American women rising to the top? And why have they made less progress closing in on men than women in other countries? Children lie at the heart of the matter. Close analysis of today’s wage gap reveals that only a small portion of the gap can be attributed to discrimination (getting paid less for doing the same job, or being denied access… on account of sex). Increasingly, women earn less than men because of the unequal impact of family responsibilities.” (Pg. 136)

She notes, “These contrasting visions of the female problem place a very different weight on motherhood. American feminists have generally stressed the ways in which women need to be treated identically to men, and therefore sought to put aside differences. This has led them to sidetrack issues around motherhood. By and large they prefer to focus on reproductive freedom and the right to choose NOT to have a child. The critical problems around having children or being a mother are ignored or downplayed.” (Pg. 147-148)

She reports, “The problem is, a 38-year-old woman (or even a 35-year-old) may well have missed the boat… By this point in time the marriage market has turned against her and infertility has begun to rear its ugly head. But women don’t seem to understand these facts fully---or at least they don’t understand them early enough. My interviews with women in their twenties revealed a great deal of skittishness about marriage, but very little sense of urgency.” (Pg. 185-186)

She points out, “In recent years, women have been sold a bill of goods on the fertility front. Misled by the media, which loves to hype miracle babies, and lulled into a false sense of security by an infertility industry eager to profit from late-in-life babies, too many young women now believe that assistive reproductive technology has let them off the hook… they believe that the huge range of new options… will allow them to push the difficult question of when and how to have a child into the distant future. They feel that they can literally ‘rewind the biological clock.’… Unfortunately, the optimism … is ill-founded… a woman in her early 40s has, on average, a 3 to 5% shot at achieving a live birth through standard IVF procedures… a 42- or 44-year-old woman who gets pregnant faces a 50-80% chance of … miscarriage.” (Pg. 204-205)

She proposes: “PRIVATE SECTOR INITIATIVES: 1. Give every working parent a time bank of six months of paid leave, portions of which can be taken throughout a child’s life… 2. Create high-level jobs that allow for reduced jobs and a reduced workload on an ongoing basis… 3. Developing ‘off-ramps’ and ‘on-ramps’… interrupting conventional career trajectories… GOVERNMENT INITIATIVES: 1. Extend the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) to workers in small companies and turn it into paid leave… 2. Provide tax incentives to companies that offer employees … reduced-hour jobs, job sharing, paid parenting leave telecommuting, and compressed work-weeks… 3. Promote new legislation to eliminate incentives for long-hour weeks.” (Pg. 282-285)

This book will be of great interest to women with questions about children, work, and their integration.

[Partha Debnath · Rating 4 out of 5]

ধারা-৪৫।
কতিপয় ক্ষেত্রে মহিলা শ্রমিকের কর্মে নিয়োগ নিষিদ্ধ?—
১) কোন মালিক তাহার প্রতিষ্ঠানে সজ্ঞানে কোন মহিলাকে তাহার সন্তান প্রসবের অব্যবহিত পরবর্তী আট সপ্তাহের মধ্যে কোন কাজ করাতে পারিবেন না।
২) কোন মহিলা কোন প্রতিষ্ঠানে তাহার সন্তান প্রসবের অব���যবহিত পরবর্তী আট সপ্তাহের মধ্যে কোন কাজ করিতে পারিবেন না।
৩) কোন মালিক কোন মহিলাকে এমন কোন কাজ করার জন্য নিয়োগ করিতে পারিবেন না যাহা দুষ্কর বা শ্রম-সাধ্য অথবা যাহার জন্য দীর্ঘক্ষণ দাঁড়াইয়া থাকিতে হয় অথবা যাহা তাহার জন্য হানিকর হওয়ার সম্ভাবনা থাকে, যদি-
ক) তাহার এই বিশ্বাস করার কারণ থাকে, অথবা যদি মহিলা তাহাকে অবহিত করিয়া থাকেন যে, দশ সপ্তাহের মধ্যে তাহার সন্তান প্রসব করার সম্ভাবনা আছে;
খ) মালিকের জানামতে মহিলা পূর্ববর্তী দশ সপ্তাহের মধ্যে সন্তান প্রসব করিয়াছেন:
তবে শর্ত থাকে যে, চা-বাগান শ্রমিকের ক্ষেত্রে সংশ্লিষ্ট চা-বাগানের চিকিৎসক কর্তৃক যতদিন পর্যন্ত সক্ষমতার সার্টিফিকেট পাওয়া যাইবে ততদিন পর্যন্ত উক্ত শ্রমিক হালকা ধরণের কাজ করিতে পারিবেন এবং অনুরূপ কাজ যতদিন তিনি করিবেন ততদিন তিনি উক্ত কাজের জন্য প্রচলিত আইন অনুসারে নির্ধারিত হারে মজুরী পাইবেন, যাহা প্রসূতি কল্যাণ ভাতার অতিরিক্ত হিসাবে প্রদেয় হইবে।
ধারা-৪৬।
প্রসুতি কল্যাণ সুবিধা প্রাপ্তির অধিকার এবং প্রদানের দায়িত্ব –
১) প্রত্যেক মহিলা শ্রমিক তাহার মালিকের নিকট হইতে তাহার সন্তান প্রসবের সম্ভাব্য তারিখের অব্যবহিত পূর্ববর্তী আট সপ্তাহ এবং সন্তান প্রসবের অব্যবহিত পরবর্তী আট সপ্তাহের জন্য প্রসূতি কল্যাণ সুবিধা পাইবার অধিকারী হইবেন, এবং তাহার মালিক তাহাকে এই সুবিধা প্রদান করিতে বাধ্য থাকিবেন:
তবে শর্ত থাকে যে, কোন মহিলা উত্তরূপ সুবিধা পাইবেন না যদি না তিনি তাহার মালিকের অধীন তাহার সন্তান প্রসবের অব্যবহিত পূর্বে অন্যূন ছয় মাস কাজ করিয়া থাকেন।
২) কোন মহিলাকে উক্তরূপ সুবিধা প্রদেয় হইবে না যদি তাহার সন্তান প্রসবের সময়তাহার দুই বা ততোধিক সন্তান জীবিত থাকে, তবে এক্ষেত্রে তিনি কোন ছুটি পাইবার অধিকারী হইলে তাহা পাইবেন। (THE BANGLADESH LABOUR CODE, 2006 & OTHER RELATED LAWS).

এই ধারাগুলোর ইতিহাস পরলাম। লেখিকা এখনো জীবিত।
বইঃ সফলতার কান্না (Creating a Life: Professional Women and the Quest For Children)
লেখিকাঃ সিলভিয়া অ্যান হিউলেট।
অনুবাদকঃ তাবাসসুম মোসলেহ ।

তাঁর কিছু কথাঃ
১. শিশুরা জীবনে ভালোবাসা নিয়ে আসে' এবং কীভাবে আপনার সন্তান থাকলে আপনি কখনোই একাকিত্ব অনুভব করবেন না'।
২. কর্মরত মায়েদের মধ্যে তৃপ্তি এবং আত্মসম্মানের হার অনেক বেশি, আর বিষণ্নতার হার অনেক কম। এই পার্থক্য বিভিন্ন পেশার ক্ষেত্র জুড়ে পাওয়া যায়। অনেক নারীই কাজকে ক্ষমতা হিসাবে দেখে, মূলত এই কারণে যে, এটি তাদের স্বাধীনতা অনেক বাড়িয়ে দেয়। ( অবশ্য সপ্তাহে ৫০ বা ৬০ ঘণ্টা করে কাজ করতে গেলে কাজ ও পরিবারের মধ্যকার দ্বন্দ্ব বাড়বে— এটাই স্বাভাবিক।)
৩. তরুণীদের যা করণীয় এই বইয়ের সবচেয়ে গুরুত্বপূর্ণ তথ্য । নারীরা তাদের কাঙ্খিত জীবন তৈরির সম্ভাবনা বাড়ানোর জন্য ঠিক কী কী করতে পারে, তার একটি তালিকা:
ক. ৪৫ বছর বয়সে আপনি আপনার জীবন কেমন দেখতে চান—তা ভেবে বের করেন। আপনি আপনার ব্যক্তিগত জীবন কীরকম কল্পনা করেন? আপনার কর্মজীবন কেমন চান? যদি আপনি সন্তান চান (প্রায় ৮৬% উচ্চ উপার্জনকারী নারীদের মতো), তাহলে আপনাকে সেটা মাথায় রেখে এখন থেকেই অত্যন্ত সক্রিয়ভাবে পদক্ষেপ নিতে হবে। আর যদি সন্তান না চান, তাহলে কোনো চাপ নেই।
খ. একজন জীবনসঙ্গী খোঁজার ব্যাপারটাকে জরুরিভাবে অগ্রাধিকার দেন। এই প্রকল্পটি অত্যন্ত সময়সাপেক্ষ এবং বয়স বিশের ঘরে থাকাকালীন এটাতে বিশেষ মনোযোগ দেওয়া উচিত। একটি প্রেমময়, স্থায়ী দাম্পত্য আপনার জীবনকে উন্নত করবে এবং আপনার সন্তান হওয়ার সম্ভাবনা অনেক বাড়িয়ে দেবে। এই বইটিতে উপস্থাপিত তথ্য প্রমাণ করে যে, উচ্চ-উপার্জনকারী নারীরা অল্প বয়সে সঙ্গী খুঁজে পেতে অনেক বেশি সক্ষম হন।
গ. ৩৫ বছর বয়সের আগে আপনার প্রথম সন্তান নিয়ে ফেলেন। এআরটির মিরাকেলের ওপর নির্ভর করে প্রথম সন্তান নেওয়ার জন্য মধ্য বয়সে পৌঁছানোর অপেক্ষা করবেন না।
ঘ. এমন একটি ক্যারিয়ার বেছে নেন—যা আপনাকে 'সময়ের উপহার' দেবে। যেসব ক্যারিয়ারে নমনীয়তা থাকে এবং বিরতি নিলে ক্ষতিপূরণ লাগে না, সেগুলোতে কাজ ও পরিবারের ভারসাম্য রক্ষা করা বেশি ।
ঙ. এমন কোম্পানি বেছে নিন—যেটা আপনাকে কর্মজীবন ও ব্যক্তিগত জীবনের মধ্যে ভারসাম্য অর্জনে সহায়তা করবে। কোম্পানিভেদে ওয়ার্ক-লাইফ পলিসিতে অনেক তফাত পাওয়া যায়। আপনি যদি পরিবার গড়তে ইচ্ছুক একজন উচ্চাভিলাষী তরুণী হয়ে থাকেন, তাহলে এমন একটি ফার্মে চাকরি খোঁজেন যা কর্মচারীদের ওয়ার্ক-লাইফ নীতির একটি সমৃদ্ধ প্যাকেজ প্রদান করে, যার মধ্যে সংক্ষেপিত সময়সূচি এবং বিভিন্ন ধরনের চাকরি-সুরক্ষিত ছুটি অন্তর্ভুক্ত।

পুনশ্চ:
যে নারী সন্তান ধারণ করে, সে কোনো ব্যয়বহুল শখের মধ্যে লিপ্ত হচ্ছে না; বরং সে একটি বিশাল দায়িত্ব নিজের কাঁধে নিচ্ছে, এমন দায়িত্ব— যার গুরুতর সামাজিক তাৎপর্য রয়েছে। তাই সে সমাজের কাছ থেকে কিছু সাহায্য পাওয়ার অধিকার রাখে। সুতরাং দেখা যাচ্ছে যে, কাজ ও পরিবার—উভয় পাওয়াটা আসলে কল্যাণ বয়ে আনে, নারীদের ব্যক্তিগত জীবনে তো বটেই, সেই সাথে গোটা জাতির ওপর।

[Belal Khan · Rating 4 out of 5]

A book for those who wants to thrive in life and also wants to have kids at a later period of life. This is a eye opening book for them.

[Ruth · Rating 3 out of 5]

Makes the claim that young women need to be as strategic about creating their desired personal lives as they are about creating their desired professional lives. States the obvious at many points and cites research data that doesn't strike me as particularly rigorous, but raises very important issues nonetheless.

[Laura Skladzinski · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really thought-provoking, but I also thought it got a bit too radically feminist at times. I agree that women need to figure out how to have families and careers, but toward the end, it got to be too altruistic and idealistic to the point where I was starting to dismiss the earlier (excellent) points.

[Lori · Rating 4 out of 5]

This created quite the controversy when it was released!

[Jeanne · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good book that basically says plan, plan, plan!

[Samantha]

Selfindulgent attempt to paint motherhood as the only true way to personal female fulfillment. Please disregard this book's premise completely.

[Milele · Rating 3 out of 5]

Scary statistics on late-life fertility -- it's not as good as the news media and fertility industry would have you believe.