IT'S NOT “HIGH CONFLICT” IT’S POST-SEPARATION ABUSE: When Abusers Weaponize the Courts as a Form of Retaliation

by Kaytlyn Gillis, Kaytee Gillis

The family court system is meant to protect domestic violence victims, yet too often, it becomes an endless labyrinth that traps them inside. Abusers weaponize our judicial system to instill their revenge, from long, drawn-out divorces and custody battles to forcing their victims to spend thousands of dollars and endless time in court. In her new book, Kaytee Gillis tells the story of those victims trying to defend themselves against the revenge of post-separation abuse while navigating that legal labyrinth. When our judicial system fails to protect victims from this abuse, they give abusers the freedom to continue it. Legally.

Combining elements from real-life experiences that victims deal with every day in our court system, and drawing conclusions from her work as a psychotherapist and consultant, Gillis provides information and workbook tips for survivors navigating the court system, to help decrease the risk of retraumatization of post-separation abuse.

295 pages, Paperback

Published February 24, 2023

About the author

Kaytee (Kaytlyn) Gillis, LCSW, is a psychotherapist and writer known for her work with survivors of family of origin trauma, as well as her work with survivors of traumatic relationships and IPV, specifically post separation abuse.

Kaytee is the author of several books on the topic of domestic abuse and family trauma.

Kaytee has a popular blog on Psychology Today and is a regular contributor to Psychotherapy Networker. She has been featured on BBC World News, iHeart radio, SiriusXM Doctor Radio, The Los Angeles Times, CP24 News, and others. She provides training on recognizing patterns of domestic violence and family trauma, and helping survivors move forward.

She lives with her partner and fur children in Michigan.

Reviews

[Jennifer Parker · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a gem for those experiencing post-separation abuse from an intimate partner! As a retired therapist who specialized in intimate partner abuse therapy, I wish I'd had it for clients going through this never-ending cycle of abuse. Chapters alternate between telling a story of post-separation abuse and an analysis of what’s happening along with tips for responding to it. Its description will help victims not feel alone, and they will benefit from her excellent tips.
I also think this book benefits professionals serving victims by contributing to a full understanding of what they experience and how to help them. Gillis correctly identifies how our legal system is broken in how it responds to post-separation abuse. The usage of terms such as high conflict divorce and mutual abuse are not accurate in these cases; they contribute to victims feeling misunderstood and hopeless. This book can spark conversation between judges, court commissioners, guardian ad litems, and attorneys as to education and policy changes that can correct this injustice. Jennifer Parker, LCSW, Author of Coercive Relationships: Find the Answers You Seek

[Carol · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a well organized and informative book if you are suffering from post-separation abuse. Kaytlyn utilizes a narrative about someone going through this abuse for well over a decade and in the midst provides insight and feedback of how to navigate this journey. There are exercises on both how to seek a lawyer, therapist and support as well as how to heal. I will add this to my referral list for books I suggest to clients.

[Sweet-Unicorn · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is "it's not "high conflict" its post-separation abuse". It is a really, really good book that anyone in a similar abusive situation should read as it can make you feel very validated in your experience. I received a free copy of this book via Booksprout and am voluntarily leaving a review.

[Book Addict · Rating 5 out of 5]

As someone who is having this difficult journey, this little book is going to support me like a pocket bible.

Tips and anecdotal stories with the red flags highlighted…. The writer’s style empathetically reiterates its not the victim’s fault.

Recommended reading.

I received a free copy of this book via Booksprout and am voluntarily leaving a review.

[Emily Rosén · Rating 5 out of 5]

Must-read for anyone leaving, or have left, a contentious relationship. It provides clarity for someone not knowing they are in an abusive relationship, and affirmation for those who are aware. This was incredibly helpful as a survivor, and my current healthy spouse is now reading it.

[Stephanie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book

I recommend this book to anyone that is dealing post separation abuse and our court system needs a lot work in understanding the abuse

[Shannon · Rating 5 out of 5]

THE TITLE SAYS IT ALL- thank you for validating this. Should be required reading for all who work in courts, law enforcement, social services. etc etc etc