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It's Not Your Fault: Why Childhood Trauma Shapes You and How to Break Free
This powerful self-help book will change the way you see your past and transform the way you live now.
Do you struggle to find happiness in yourself or in your relationships? Do you have issues with your physical or mental health such as fatigue, anxiety, sleep problems, addictions or depression? Do you feel emotionally numb, or are you unable to truly feel your emotions? You are not alone. And maybe you need to stop blaming yourself.
We are all affected by our early experiences – both good and bad. But for many of us, the patterns of our younger years have damaged us as adults, leaving us unable to truly feel or form lasting positive relationships with ourselves and others.
As children, we're dependent on those around us to meet our emotional needs for us – the need for boundaries, safety and love. When these key needs go unanswered, the template for good mental health in adulthood is not properly formed. As adults, we can learn to meet these needs for ourselves, and to break free from a life of unnecessary suffering. Doing so doesn't just heal the impact of our past, it also helps us unlock our true potential in life.
Childhood trauma will continue to trap us throughout our lives if we don't seek to confront it. Drawing on his own healing from childhood trauma and his clinical work with thousands of patients, Alex Howard sets a clear path to understanding your own unique blueprint from childhood and then provides a clinically proven reset plan for healing.
It's Not Your Fault will help you to understand your trauma and heal its impact, build better boundaries and connect to your emotions to create healthy and fulfilling relationships.
Do you struggle to find happiness in yourself or in your relationships? Do you have issues with your physical or mental health such as fatigue, anxiety, sleep problems, addictions or depression? Do you feel emotionally numb, or are you unable to truly feel your emotions? You are not alone. And maybe you need to stop blaming yourself.
We are all affected by our early experiences – both good and bad. But for many of us, the patterns of our younger years have damaged us as adults, leaving us unable to truly feel or form lasting positive relationships with ourselves and others.
As children, we're dependent on those around us to meet our emotional needs for us – the need for boundaries, safety and love. When these key needs go unanswered, the template for good mental health in adulthood is not properly formed. As adults, we can learn to meet these needs for ourselves, and to break free from a life of unnecessary suffering. Doing so doesn't just heal the impact of our past, it also helps us unlock our true potential in life.
Childhood trauma will continue to trap us throughout our lives if we don't seek to confront it. Drawing on his own healing from childhood trauma and his clinical work with thousands of patients, Alex Howard sets a clear path to understanding your own unique blueprint from childhood and then provides a clinically proven reset plan for healing.
It's Not Your Fault will help you to understand your trauma and heal its impact, build better boundaries and connect to your emotions to create healthy and fulfilling relationships.
246 pages, Kindle Edition
First published September 12, 2023
151 people are currently reading
517 people want to read
About the author
Alex Howard
39 books10 followersLibrarian’s note: There is more than one author in the Goodreads database with this name.
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Displaying 1 - 23 of 23 reviews
October 18, 2023
Highlighted some interesting bits however got slightly annoyed with the self-promotion every chapter of the authors website.
December 26, 2024
I rarely don't finish self-help books, but this was bad. It was just a very terrible self-promotion of his website and the services he provided. There's a lot of talking about himself rather than trying to help the reader. It's more like a biography than a self-help book. It takes until chapter 2 to get any useful information. He keeps mentioning this Aadya and her life story, but again, it's more of a story than helping anyone reading. Other than learning about ECHO and the occasion exercises this book, It's a glorified biography
March 24, 2024
This book started out promising, but I feel like it basically was him selling HIS idea. He didn't speak positively of CBT and EMDR wasn't suggested.
The basic premise of doing it your self will only work for some people. I personally think most of us aren't going to do the work individually ourselves.
The basic premise of doing it your self will only work for some people. I personally think most of us aren't going to do the work individually ourselves.
April 30, 2025
Horrible mess of a book that is essentially the author working through his own trauma. It's written in a difficult-to-read "outline" form filled with acronyms and bullet points, but not a cohesive narrative.
I have no idea how this author has any kind of following since he so ineptly handles the subject matter and repeats simplistic solutions that any person with common sense could make on their own. There are also definition problems, from what is "trauma" to the history of therapy. He mixes and mashes it all up to fit into his own warped box that's filled with anger over a father leaving when he was a child, but little of it is very helpful to those that truly suffer trauma.
There are so many problems with his perspective, as well as that of the therapy community, but the main one is this underlying belief that somehow you can become conscious of early childhood trauma and fix it. How is that possible? Unless you have videos of traumatic events when you were little, it's impossible to know exactly what the truth is. Reports from others like parents or family members are unreliable and subjective. Your own memory is deceived by photos or things you've made up.
In Howard's case he says he suddenly in young adulthood became aware that he was traumatized at age six months by his father leaving (eventually serving time in jail and not providing money to the family). It happened when the author was so young that he doesn't have specific recollections, all he has is what his bitter mother has told him and the struggles they had with a mentally ill sister.
How can any of us know the truth about childhood trauma without video evidence? And even that can be one-dimensional. What the author seems to be pushing is the concept that you have to heal yourself based on your feelings about what you perceive to be childhood trauma, but shouldn't healing include facts and the discernment of what really happened?
He fails to adhere to objective beliefs. His "spirituality" is not that of believing in something outside yourself or prayer, but instead is believing in yourself, going within and meditating. Hate to break this to him (and others) but you are not the only solution to your own problems. It's more complex than giving yourself a pep talk and starting to think your "truths" are accurate.
Howard does mention that one of the three keys to life is having boundaries, but how he defines that is self-focused and not objective. His idea of boundaries involves you getting in others' space and pushing your "truth" on them--not learning and listening and admitting that your mind may be warped. Note that his type of boundary isn't objective truth, it's self-centered and may be filled with self-deception, delusion or falsehoods. Why should someone that believes something that's not true be respected as a boundary?
Because, according to him, you don't need to be your own inner critic! You can spew your misperceived truths to everyone without understanding yourself or having an "inner voice" to keep you in check! So he rejects "having a conscience" and listening to deeper objective moral values.
He understands what he's suggesting because he says that the inner voice is necessary in childhood but not adulthood. "It's certainly true that sometimes there's a grain of truth in what our inner critic says (as an adult) although often there's not." Huh? So the solution is to ignore it or try to train your inner voice to only be positive? No wonder we have a world filled with egotistical narcissists that object if anyone else's "truth" implies that theirs is wrong!
Then in the end he gives two examples how he has "grown" in standing up for his "truths." First is when his mother called for help with the mentally ill sister--Howard refused to help saying, "I decided that I needed to start prioritizing my own happiness, stability, and quality of life over being at the end of the phone for my sister's endless problems and my mother's failed attempts to fix them." Wow. This is the guy thousands are taking counseling advice from? What a self-centered jerk.
There's nothing wrong with standing up for yourself and stopping patterns of abuse. There's nothing wrong with distancing yourself from someone that triggers you. But if a simple phone call is too much for you then maybe you need to reconsider what's going on in your own judgmental life and stop blame-shifting.
Then there's his father, who after decades the author looks up, starts a relationship with, and then tries to control the older man. When his dad gives up studying to be a priest (something Alex doesn't even believe in!) the writer turns on his father, criticizing him for once again walking away just "like what you did to me and my sister all those years ago." It was an insult, unnecessary and the last time the two ever talked because his dad was rightly hurt by the unjust comment.
How does Howard justify feeling the need to demean his dad about something that has NOTHING to do with the son? "I made a commitment to myself that after all these years I was going to live in truth with my father." Oh, you mean YOUR selfish truth that makes judgments on others and rejects THEIR inner truths? You should have praised him for no longer heading in a direction that you didn't believe in! It was an uncalled-for statement and proves what a clueless hypocritical know-it-all the author is.
This book is not good and could even lead to greater trauma in the life of a reader that applies the bad advice. It IS you fault Alex Howard.
I have no idea how this author has any kind of following since he so ineptly handles the subject matter and repeats simplistic solutions that any person with common sense could make on their own. There are also definition problems, from what is "trauma" to the history of therapy. He mixes and mashes it all up to fit into his own warped box that's filled with anger over a father leaving when he was a child, but little of it is very helpful to those that truly suffer trauma.
There are so many problems with his perspective, as well as that of the therapy community, but the main one is this underlying belief that somehow you can become conscious of early childhood trauma and fix it. How is that possible? Unless you have videos of traumatic events when you were little, it's impossible to know exactly what the truth is. Reports from others like parents or family members are unreliable and subjective. Your own memory is deceived by photos or things you've made up.
In Howard's case he says he suddenly in young adulthood became aware that he was traumatized at age six months by his father leaving (eventually serving time in jail and not providing money to the family). It happened when the author was so young that he doesn't have specific recollections, all he has is what his bitter mother has told him and the struggles they had with a mentally ill sister.
How can any of us know the truth about childhood trauma without video evidence? And even that can be one-dimensional. What the author seems to be pushing is the concept that you have to heal yourself based on your feelings about what you perceive to be childhood trauma, but shouldn't healing include facts and the discernment of what really happened?
He fails to adhere to objective beliefs. His "spirituality" is not that of believing in something outside yourself or prayer, but instead is believing in yourself, going within and meditating. Hate to break this to him (and others) but you are not the only solution to your own problems. It's more complex than giving yourself a pep talk and starting to think your "truths" are accurate.
Howard does mention that one of the three keys to life is having boundaries, but how he defines that is self-focused and not objective. His idea of boundaries involves you getting in others' space and pushing your "truth" on them--not learning and listening and admitting that your mind may be warped. Note that his type of boundary isn't objective truth, it's self-centered and may be filled with self-deception, delusion or falsehoods. Why should someone that believes something that's not true be respected as a boundary?
Because, according to him, you don't need to be your own inner critic! You can spew your misperceived truths to everyone without understanding yourself or having an "inner voice" to keep you in check! So he rejects "having a conscience" and listening to deeper objective moral values.
He understands what he's suggesting because he says that the inner voice is necessary in childhood but not adulthood. "It's certainly true that sometimes there's a grain of truth in what our inner critic says (as an adult) although often there's not." Huh? So the solution is to ignore it or try to train your inner voice to only be positive? No wonder we have a world filled with egotistical narcissists that object if anyone else's "truth" implies that theirs is wrong!
Then in the end he gives two examples how he has "grown" in standing up for his "truths." First is when his mother called for help with the mentally ill sister--Howard refused to help saying, "I decided that I needed to start prioritizing my own happiness, stability, and quality of life over being at the end of the phone for my sister's endless problems and my mother's failed attempts to fix them." Wow. This is the guy thousands are taking counseling advice from? What a self-centered jerk.
There's nothing wrong with standing up for yourself and stopping patterns of abuse. There's nothing wrong with distancing yourself from someone that triggers you. But if a simple phone call is too much for you then maybe you need to reconsider what's going on in your own judgmental life and stop blame-shifting.
Then there's his father, who after decades the author looks up, starts a relationship with, and then tries to control the older man. When his dad gives up studying to be a priest (something Alex doesn't even believe in!) the writer turns on his father, criticizing him for once again walking away just "like what you did to me and my sister all those years ago." It was an insult, unnecessary and the last time the two ever talked because his dad was rightly hurt by the unjust comment.
How does Howard justify feeling the need to demean his dad about something that has NOTHING to do with the son? "I made a commitment to myself that after all these years I was going to live in truth with my father." Oh, you mean YOUR selfish truth that makes judgments on others and rejects THEIR inner truths? You should have praised him for no longer heading in a direction that you didn't believe in! It was an uncalled-for statement and proves what a clueless hypocritical know-it-all the author is.
This book is not good and could even lead to greater trauma in the life of a reader that applies the bad advice. It IS you fault Alex Howard.
April 11, 2024
A really good self-help book with a clear explanation of the sorts of behaviours that trauma produces and actionable steps that you can take to deal with them. I also really liked the use of the authors own personal stories and the emphasis on the readers need to change in order to produce the change they want.
August 30, 2024
WOW! This book definitely helped me realize why I react to certain things in life the way I do. You don’t know how much childhood trauma you really have until you finish this book.
May 20, 2024
An easy to read book focusing on a difficult subject and handled with care.
February 12, 2025
Alex Howard w książce To nie Twoja wina podejmuje niezwykle trudny temat traumy i jej wpływu na nasze życie. Jego celem jest nie tylko edukacja, ale także pokazanie czytelnikowi drogi do uzdrowienia. Na pierwszy rzut oka książka ma wiele zalet – jest napisana w przystępny i klarowny sposób, dzięki czemu nawet osoby niezaznajomione z psychologią mogą bez trudu zrozumieć przekazywane treści. Autor potrafi obrazowo wyjaśniać skomplikowane koncepcje, a narrację wzbogaca licznymi przykładami zarówno z własnego życia, jak i pracy terapeutycznej. To sprawia, że lektura, mimo trudnego tematu, jest wciągająca i momentami wręcz „lekka” w odbiorze.
Jednak pomimo przystępnego stylu i ciekawych anegdot, książka ma również poważne mankamenty. Najbardziej rzuca się w oczy fakt, że Howard przedstawia swoją metodę leczenia traumy jako autorski, niemal rewolucyjny program, ale nie przedstawia żadnych dowodów na jej skuteczność. W świecie psychoterapii nowe metody powinny być poparte rzetelnymi badaniami naukowymi, zanim zostaną uznane za skuteczne. Tymczasem Howard pomija tę kluczową kwestię, co może budzić sceptycyzm.
Co więcej, autor wielokrotnie powiela błędne informacje dotyczące głównych nurtów psychoterapii, twierdząc, że rzekomo nie zwracają one uwagi na emocje lub wręcz zachęcają do ich tłumienia i kontrolowania. Jest to dalekie od prawdy – zarówno terapia poznawczo-behawioralna, jak i inne podejścia terapeutyczne uwzględniają emocje jako kluczowy element procesu leczenia. Tego rodzaju stwierdzenia mogą wprowadzać czytelnika w błąd i niesłusznie podważać skuteczność uznanych metod terapeutycznych.
Dodatkowo, Howard wprowadza kilka dziwacznych terminów, takich jak „ciało emocjonalne”, które nie wydają się wnosić nic nowego do istniejącej wiedzy na temat traumy i jej leczenia. Choć zapewne mają na celu wyróżnienie jego metody, sprawiają raczej wrażenie marketingowego zabiegu niż rzeczywistego przełomu w psychoterapii.
Podsumowanie
To nie Twoja wina to książka, którą można docenić za przystępny język i ciekawe przykłady, ale która jednocześnie budzi poważne wątpliwości pod względem merytorycznym. Choć może stanowić inspirację do głębszego zastanowienia się nad własnymi doświadczeniami i emocjami, nie powinna być traktowana jako rzetelne źródło wiedzy na temat leczenia traumy. Brak badań potwierdzających skuteczność autorskiej metody Howarda oraz jego nieścisłe twierdzenia na temat innych form terapii sprawiają, że książkę należy czytać z dużą dozą krytycyzmu.
Jednak pomimo przystępnego stylu i ciekawych anegdot, książka ma również poważne mankamenty. Najbardziej rzuca się w oczy fakt, że Howard przedstawia swoją metodę leczenia traumy jako autorski, niemal rewolucyjny program, ale nie przedstawia żadnych dowodów na jej skuteczność. W świecie psychoterapii nowe metody powinny być poparte rzetelnymi badaniami naukowymi, zanim zostaną uznane za skuteczne. Tymczasem Howard pomija tę kluczową kwestię, co może budzić sceptycyzm.
Co więcej, autor wielokrotnie powiela błędne informacje dotyczące głównych nurtów psychoterapii, twierdząc, że rzekomo nie zwracają one uwagi na emocje lub wręcz zachęcają do ich tłumienia i kontrolowania. Jest to dalekie od prawdy – zarówno terapia poznawczo-behawioralna, jak i inne podejścia terapeutyczne uwzględniają emocje jako kluczowy element procesu leczenia. Tego rodzaju stwierdzenia mogą wprowadzać czytelnika w błąd i niesłusznie podważać skuteczność uznanych metod terapeutycznych.
Dodatkowo, Howard wprowadza kilka dziwacznych terminów, takich jak „ciało emocjonalne”, które nie wydają się wnosić nic nowego do istniejącej wiedzy na temat traumy i jej leczenia. Choć zapewne mają na celu wyróżnienie jego metody, sprawiają raczej wrażenie marketingowego zabiegu niż rzeczywistego przełomu w psychoterapii.
Podsumowanie
To nie Twoja wina to książka, którą można docenić za przystępny język i ciekawe przykłady, ale która jednocześnie budzi poważne wątpliwości pod względem merytorycznym. Choć może stanowić inspirację do głębszego zastanowienia się nad własnymi doświadczeniami i emocjami, nie powinna być traktowana jako rzetelne źródło wiedzy na temat leczenia traumy. Brak badań potwierdzających skuteczność autorskiej metody Howarda oraz jego nieścisłe twierdzenia na temat innych form terapii sprawiają, że książkę należy czytać z dużą dozą krytycyzmu.
September 4, 2025
Reading Alex Howard’s It’s Not Your Fault felt like someone had finally put words to the pain I’ve carried for years.
Howard’s message is simple yet profound: until we heal our emotional wounds and learn to give ourselves healthy boundaries, safety, and love, we’ll keep getting hurt in the same old ways.
Blending psychology, trauma healing, and practical tools, he provides a roadmap for breaking free from self-blame and building a healthier relationship with ourselves.
What touched me most was his gentle reminder that none of this is about weakness or failure—it’s about the survival strategies we learned long ago. They saved us when we were young, but now as adults it needs to be upgraded in favour of a thriving life.
This book is not just about healing—it’s about reclaiming our right to live with wholeness, self-compassion, and inner strength. A must-read for anyone ready to truly change their life.
Howard’s message is simple yet profound: until we heal our emotional wounds and learn to give ourselves healthy boundaries, safety, and love, we’ll keep getting hurt in the same old ways.
Blending psychology, trauma healing, and practical tools, he provides a roadmap for breaking free from self-blame and building a healthier relationship with ourselves.
What touched me most was his gentle reminder that none of this is about weakness or failure—it’s about the survival strategies we learned long ago. They saved us when we were young, but now as adults it needs to be upgraded in favour of a thriving life.
This book is not just about healing—it’s about reclaiming our right to live with wholeness, self-compassion, and inner strength. A must-read for anyone ready to truly change their life.
December 3, 2023
Repeat after me: migraines are not caused because by you not processing your emotions, as this author states. They are a neurological condition. When an author makes incredibly misleading claims like this, you have to wonder what other things they didn't look up or research and have wrong.
That said, there is a lot of good stuff in this book. It lays out some basics really well and gives anecdotal examples. I don't think it's groundbreaking - it is more written for the newcomer to these concepts - but it was engaging enough and well laid out.
That said, there is a lot of good stuff in this book. It lays out some basics really well and gives anecdotal examples. I don't think it's groundbreaking - it is more written for the newcomer to these concepts - but it was engaging enough and well laid out.
December 1, 2024
Książka „To nie Twoja wina” jest jak spotkanie ze samym sobą. Nikt Cię nie obwinia, nie ocenia, czujesz jedynie zrozumienie i ukojenie. Depresja, stany lękowe, chroniczne zmęczenie, trudności ze snem czy uzależnienia mogą wynikać z niezaspokojonych potrzeb emocjonalnych dziecka. Jednak jest metoda, dzięki której możemy zacząć się uzdrawiać. Znajdziecie ją właśnie w książce Alexa Howarda „To nie Twoja wina” razem z ogromnym wsparciem ze strony autora i odpowiedziami na nurtujące pytania. Z całego serca polecam Wam tą książkę, otwiera oczy i serce na pojednanie się z samym sobą.
January 9, 2025
I was looking for self help after panic attacks kind of book but accidentally got this trauma recovery book which does not help too much with my anxiety and reading authors experience make it a bit worse, I have to return it not finishing
It a
Hold be great if you have difficulty recovering from trauma like his though, 5/10
It a
Hold be great if you have difficulty recovering from trauma like his though, 5/10
March 26, 2025
My therapist recommended this book to me for some out of the sessions homework. It's a great start in understanding that our childhood trauma isn't something we deserved, but that now as adults it's our responsibility to heal from those triggers. The author gives us some tools to help along the way, however there are some spots in the book where he promotes his own work.
October 12, 2025
Mi-a plăcut mult cartea asta. Te ajută să înțelegi de ce reacționezi uneori cum nu vrei și cum trecutul poate influența felul în care trăiești azi. Autorul explică totul clar și cu multă empatie.
E genul de carte care te face să te oprești puțin, să te gândești la tine și să-ți dai seama că nu ești „defect” — doar ai de învățat cum să te vindeci. 💙
E genul de carte care te face să te oprești puțin, să te gândești la tine și să-ți dai seama că nu ești „defect” — doar ai de învățat cum să te vindeci. 💙
July 25, 2025
This author definitely understands trauma. He even included his own struggles and healing. Although there are some good methods elaborated on in this book, I don't think it would be advisable or effective to try this on your own. With a good therapist these exercises would be outstanding.
August 31, 2025
I didn’t expect to enjoy this book so much. It was chosen by my younger book club. It truly has something for everyone. I have been through most of the senecios it presents. It would have helped me through some of life’s toughest moments had I read it when I was younger.
January 29, 2024
This book is so helpful, it will be one that I read again, it contains exercises to work through along with other resources which are really helpful to do as you work through the book.
March 10, 2024
Excellent book for categorizing, understanding, childhood issues. Practical approaches
December 29, 2024
a really insightful and helpful book, heavy at times so make sure you're in a good place to read it
March 7, 2025
Why do I keep falling for these titles?
May 26, 2024
In my online RESET Program® this is something we spend significant time on, bringing in specific techniques we've developed within the Therapeutic Coaching® methodology
Indeed, one of the most common things people say when they go through my online RESET Program®
Indeed, one of the most common things people say when they go through my online RESET Program®
Displaying 1 - 23 of 23 reviews