Becoming a Matriarch: A Memoir

by Helen Knott

When matriarchs begin to disappear, there is a choice to either step into the places they left behind, or to craft a new space.

Helen Knott’s bestselling debut memoir, In My Own Moccasins , wowed reviewers, award juries, and readers alike with its profoundly honest and moving account of addiction, intergenerational trauma, resilience, and survival. Now, with her highly anticipated second book, Knott exceeds the highest of expectations with a chronicle of grief, love, and legacy. Having lost both her mom and grandmother in just over six months, forced to navigate the fine lines between matriarchy, martyrdom, and codependency, Knott realizes she must let go, not just of them, but of who she thought she was.
    Woven into the pages are themes of mourning, sobriety through loss, and generational dreaming. Becoming a Matriarch is charted with poetic insights, sass, humour, and heart, taking the reader over the rivers and mountains of Dane Zaa territory in Northeastern British Columbia, along the cobbled streets of Antigua, Guatemala, and straight to the heart of what matriarchy truly means. This is a journey through pain, on the way to becoming.

Through writing, reflecting, and dreaming I found my way to the real lessons.
I found permission to become whoever I needed to be.
I found permission to live a life and not just endure it.
I found permission to belong deeply to myself.
I found permission to lay to rest the sorrow of the women before me and to cultivate joy for us in its place.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Indigenous, Canada, Audiobook, Book Club, Biography

214 pages, Kindle Edition

First published August 29, 2023

Reviews

[Ashley is in europe (permanent [?] semi-hiatus)]

rtc

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reading this for english classss

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wildfires burned right into my city recently. Evacuated and safely at my daughter’s, Becoming a Matriarch was the book I brought with me. Preoccupied with checking the news for fire updates, I was anxious and restless, but when I set my phone down and picked up this memoir, I was calmed. Helen, writing about the matriarchs in her life, her Mom and Grandma (Asu), got me feeling the presence my own matriarchs and I was soothed. It got me reflecting on my role as matriarch to my own kids, nieces and nephews. I was grateful. Helen’s writing is personal and powerful. A born storyteller, it’s beautifully poetic and many passages had me reaching for my highlighter. Becoming a Matriarch focusses on different themes from In My Own Moccasins so can be read as a stand-alone but her writing is so exquisite you’d be missing out if you don’t read everything she’s written.

Safely back at home, the audiobook is now available, so I’m listening to it again, in Helen’s own voice.

“ My mother was my first country. Her skin was the first map that my fingers learned. She was a physical manifestation of medicine. She was sustenance and birdsong, and she was the mountains that protect and the waters that give of themselves – this life without her is a state of diaspora that I cannot remedy.”

“ I have been learning to hold memory without carrying the weight of it.”

“So many people live with the need to be needed. They blur the lines of desire and dependency.”

[Cassidy · Rating 4 out of 5]

A beautiful memoir about grandmothers, mothers, daughters, and overwhelming grief. Some passages and sentences abruptly took me out of this story, which is why it was not a 5 star for me.

[Margo Sidline · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of the most beautiful memoirs I’ve ever read. I listened as an audiobook and I think I’ll have to buy a copy and reread on paper to really absorb it all! Her writing is so poetic and her meaning making about womanhood, motherhood, matriarchy, grief, etc. really moved me

UPDATE! I did end up buying a copy and rereading it and I loved it even more in print than audio. Her writing is truly poetry. I’m making all the women in my family read this and I think I’ll be back for a third round myself!

[Shannon · Rating 4 out of 5]

Another beautifully written memoir about mothers and daughters, motherhood, loss, addiction and the way the women in Helen's family were equally strong and weak. At its core though, this is a love letter to the women in Helen's family and the way they valued motherhood above all else. Great on audio read by the author and a must read if you enjoyed her previous book, In my moccasins. Many thanks to NetGalley and the publisher for an early digital copy and Penguin Random House Canada for sending me a lovely gifted finished copy!!

[Caitlin · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a beautiful, beautiful book. Helen Knott gives to it her whole heart. Having recently lost my grandmother, so much resonated in ways I might not have recognized on the same level had I read this two weeks ago. (Mostly it made me really want to give this to my mom). I’m in awe of Knott’s vulnerability, her poetry, her strength. This is so lovely; so quietly, relentlessly powerful.

[Peaarly · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 ⭐️.

[Dhvani Parekh · Rating 4 out of 5]

I resonated with the theme of becoming yourself, amidst loss and grief. This book is a messy collection of moments and memories, of surviving, of trying to make sense, of trying to assign new meaning to your old self, of becoming.

My heart went out to Helen, and in her words, I found the reflection of my own experiences. It's not easy to keep living fully, after death knocks on the door of your family home. But we keep going. We cry. We read. We write. Outwardly, we may look the same. Inwardly, we carry memoirs like these.

[Salomée Lou · Rating 5 out of 5]

I can't put into words how much i loved this book. I took it with me on trains, in cafés, at work, looking forward to a break to be able to squeeze some reading in.

Matrilineage - trauma - joy - love - transmission - nature - Indigenous legacy.

I could copy and paste so many quotes but I won't. Here's one to give you a little taste (just go and buy this book and pass it around)

"Ancestral memory is not an instant summoning but a slow process of recalling buried and forgotten things. I have been remembering all my life."

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟

[Ashley · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow, idk if this was a right-place-right-time book for me, but oh man did I love it. So many takeaways. Highly recommend. Full RTC.

[Clover · Rating 3 out of 5]

3/5
A book of loss of family, relationships, and oneself.

This was just okay. I understand how her Asu was the matriarch, and how it differed from her mother, and finally it falls to her. However, I don't really know how she is one other than just by existing. She practices a lot of self-love and self-care, but it just didn't come together for me. She addresses intergenerational trauma and it was sad and inspiring to watch her realize it and fight against it. She mentions how she ties her worth to men a lot, which starts to become evident near the end but I felt like she was more than that but she mentions two big loves that failed right before the end of the book and it sunk it for me. She does choose herself and continues to listen to her heart and body, but it just didn't wrap up for me.

It's a short read so it was fine even though it wasn't what I was expecting. I liked her poetry and enjoyed her voice. I'm excited to go to the Human Rights Comission book club about this one to see how others felt.

I'm glad my library has this as there were some parts I really enjoyed. Check your local library and request it!

[Alexandria · Rating 5 out of 5]

An easy 5 stars. Beautifully written. I cant wait to read more from the author. Thank you Helen Knotts for this both gorgeous and gritty memoir.

Favorite quotes:
"Mama's arms felt like ceremony on nights when the ghosts of my past experiences wouldn't let me sleep."

“Teetering on the brink of relapse and the edge of insanity. I can't fuck or fight my way out of these feelings, so that's a bitch, but the weather is nice. More cream for your coffee, Edna?”

“The women in my family are medicine. They are backbones and ribcages and hearts. They are whispers in men's ears. They are the guardians that kept us whole.”

“I have done coke off the porcelain backs of public bathroom toilets, but mirrored trays lend some faux class to inhaling cartilage-eating drugs up your nose. The idea becomes alluring and a little more acceptable when mirrored trays are involved. "Excuse me, sir.. I will have some of that high class cocaine".”

[Shea Vanderkooi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Another outstanding memoir by Helen Knott. Her books are profoundly honest. She is a really talented story teller/poet/novelist. Highly suggest reading her first one too. In her novel Becoming a Matriarch I loved learning about the powerful women in her family, and how she navigates her loss and grief of them. This book was more than that though. She shares a lot about their culture, her own journey and relationships, the impact of intergenerational trauma and even some of her dream sharing. She writes a line in the novel about holding memories while learning not to carry the weight of them forever, and that really stuck with me. I finished this book and my eyes felt opened to so many things.

[Jaime M · Rating 5 out of 5]

The story is about the author’s journey about her loss of Matriarch’s in her family and what that’s like. There’s a path of examining her relationship with men and her family as well that helps her define being a matriarch for herself. It is definitely a sequel to her first book which I enjoyed. It would be good to read In My Own Moccasins before reading this one.
This book is a deep dive into her healing practises and processes and her attempts to push away the cob webs of the idea of matriarchy. It must have felt good for her to write this book. You must read it to the end for a nicely rounded experience.

[Maria · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a nice and well written memoir, it just wasn't written for me and that's totally okay. I still think Helen is a wonderful writer and really glad that she realized that even though she had to take on that matriarch role when her mother and grandmother passed, she didn't have to hold herself solely responsible for other family members. Women don't have to take on all of that emotional labour of other people, we can choose to, but sometimes we can also choose to take care of ourselves.

[Sadhna Mathrani · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book and her focus on the incredible women in our families that lift us up and help us succeed. I also totally relate to the martyrdom of being a daughter and feeling like your life is about being the rock for your family. It was such a wonderful memoir and I am so glad I listened to this as an audiobook!

[Jay · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some parts were well written, honest and funny. Other times, I found the book to be repetitive, which made me wonder if Helen was writing to fill more than a few pages. Just me. I did appreciate some chapters very much. Others Helen could have developed much more.

[Susanne Latour · Rating 2 out of 5]

The non linear timeline and the overly worded lyrical writing was just not for me.

[Lisa-Michele · Rating 5 out of 5]

First, the writing is so good. Readable, yet imaginative. Then there’s the story of this indigenous woman from British Columbia who is trying to recover from the deaths of her mother and grandmother. “I have always imagined that one day I would have to be the emotional rock for the family. I was taught to anticipate the needs of people, filling them without being asked. I learned the hard way that this was a problem, and I have started to step away from this pattern.” Knott tells it straight up.

I bought this book on a trip to Victoria, British Columbia at Munro Books (check it out!). I wanted to know more about locals, so I chose a local writer. Knott is a powerful storyteller and blends just the right amount of mystical and morose. After the death of her matriarchs, she wrestles through immense sadness and analyzes her role going forward. It is a strange journey. “I needed to sort out the heavy memories because they blocked my ability to reach the good ones. It was as if I was searching for pearls hidden in a bush full of blood-drawing thorns.” This is not an unfamiliar place for me. I lost my mom 35 years, 10 months and 14 days ago, but who’s counting?

Knott takes you through her battle with addiction, her love affairs, and her nourishing writing career. I was in awe of her self-awareness. She doesn’t oversimplify but neither does she wallow. I may need to read her earlier book, In My Own Moccasins, which I have seen on many store shelves. “I am a living memory of these women. I am their dreams and hopes bound in flesh and bone. I am here at this moment in time, standing at an intersection of dreams and prayers.”

[Emily Feldman · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.75

- The English language creates distance between us all
- hold memory without carrying the weight of it... The women before us come alive in the stories we choose to tell, and they live on inside of us through the stories that we choose not to tell. ... The process of remembering things from long ago and healing through them is a pursuit of sovereignty
-No one told me that such a big part of being an adult was learning how to lose and figuring out how to make yourself whole again in the face of those losses.
-When I was a child and in public spaces, Mom would tell me sternly, “You better behave. Otherwise, someone will take you away, and you’ll have to live with a white family. Do you want to live with a white family?” I’d shake my head and sit still, hands tucked under my thighs. I learned to be quiet, not draw attention to myself, and hide my “Indian savagery” from the white gaze. I think of how many “other”-bodied children were domesticated in the same way, under the genuine threat of child protection removals and the pressure to be palatable for the public
- I had never thought of sound as a luxury until that night when I realized how much I struggled to take up space
-if i could protect you from being wounded, shield you from the world; would i be loving you or denying your growth? is there a thin line or a canyon between the two?
-LIFE IS LIVED in a spiral, not in a straight line

[Nanda van der Eijk · Rating 4 out of 5]

Gekocht in Canada omdat ik wat van daar wilde lezen toen we er waren. De littekens van het kolonialisme hebben zo’n indruk op me gemaakt. Dit boek ging daar over, met het generational trauma van vrouwen er nog bij opgeteld. Heel mooi geschreven over het herstellen hiervan, maar verder wel beetje hak op tak soms.

[katie saby · Rating 5 out of 5]

this is one of the best books I’ve ever read and also probably the most important

[Olivia Obonsawin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow. This book was so potent in its descriptions of emotions, loss and love. I will be thinking about this book for a very long time.

[Zsa Zsa · Rating 5 out of 5]

To continue my ritual of grief reads in 2024.
This goes under the list of books that I love and won't recommend, unless you have lost a parent or two, the grief for a mother lost is not ever the same as anything else a person will experience in their life. And as we all experience joy, grief and everything else differently, I try to find my pain in someone else's words, that's why I keep reading through libraries, bookstores and in-betweens.
Trust a poet, to write their grief and then narrate it in the way it is supposed to be, in a way that resonates with me. Cause if it is not the most poetic prose spilling forth in its all grandeur and effervescent candor, then it is not my grief.
The interludes should all be combined and presented as a separate book. In themselves, they contained a whole world.
Chapter The Men, had a lot of me in it, and of others whom I know give away too much till we are all on the brink of no return.
Here are some of my cherished highlights:
"Could I really lose a parent in just over a week?"
"Eventually, I could see the truth emerge, I was trying to learn how to be brave on my own, and hold myself up in prayer. Someone asked how I could write about my experiences of sexual assaults and addiction with such honesty, and still hold myself together. All I remember saying was that: creator made me this way but my mama, she prayed me this way."
"Inside me, I have a mother-shaped hole, I would have to learn how to fill with love."
"You know how you never forget your first love? he asked. leaving your country is like losing your first love, the taxi driver said. you are always looking for things that remind you of her. you go to places where you can feel her beside you. you eat foods that remind you of her. you listen to music that brings back memories."
"This statement rings truer for the love of my mother, I search for her presence in everything and everywhere these days."
"Loss is almost drifting to sleep where your sadness decides to wake you up to cry about it."
"I resigned myself to being an observer of the living, one who observed only half the time and floated away the other half."
"If I give this grief away, it means that I didn't love them as much as I thought I did."

[Dan · Rating 5 out of 5]

So much to process after reading this in terms of holding space for oneself and others, "becoming," love and loss, connection to people and places. This was beautifully written and impossible to put down.

[Jenny · Rating 2 out of 5]

"if I could protect you from being wounded
shield you
from the world
would I be loving you
or denying your growth?
is there a thin line or a canyon
between the two?" Pg. 147

The poetry is what saved this book from being one star for me. There are some prettily worded descriptions, but for me it failed to reach my expectations and its potential. Seeing the title and synopsis I hoped for empowerment, what I found was a slog through depression. It is interesting that at one point the writer talks about how difficult it was to read through a "box of death" - memoirs of dying, grief, and grappling with mortality. And then she wrote one. Ultimately this wasn't for me.

[rojîn ☆ · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book stirred something deep within me. The way she writes about grief touched emotions I usually avoid. She showed me how to find strength in that pain and nurture self-love through it.
I took my time reading this, because the weight of it felt so real. It made me reflect on the powerful women I come from, just like Helen.

[Trina · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm not sure what I was hoping to get from this. I'm also pretty swamped at work and home right now so probably just didn't have the right energy to appreciate this more.

[Coralie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very easy 5 stars for me. Beautiful words, beautiful (and heartbreaking) stories.

[Kriti | Armed with A Book]

Becoming a Matriarch is a deep dive into how we handle loss and grief. Helen lost her mom and grandma within less than a year of each other. In Becoming a Matriarch she takes responsibility as the oldest woman in her family and comes to terms with how much her amazing women ancestors did for her. She wonders if she can find the strength to keep going and support everyone else when she is herself struggling to find her footing in life.

There are many beautiful stories about family road trips, deathbed conversations and experiences of seeking and finding healing within these pages. Helen, in her evocative, concise, brutally honest and lyrical writing, brings together so many emotions and thought-provoking ideas about living when all the people who were our strongest support systems are gone. I loved Helen’s thoughts on dreams, the intergenerational joy that comes from knowing our ancestors as well as the network of support that she has in her extended family and friends. She reflects on who she thinks she should be compared to who she wants to be. She is on a journey to be kinder to herself and I loved being on this journey with her.

I read Helen’s first memoir, 𝙄𝙣 𝙈𝙮 𝙊𝙬𝙣 𝙈𝙤𝙘𝙘𝙖𝙨𝙞𝙣𝙨 back in 2021. While it was good to know Helen’s experiences from the first book, to me, 𝘽𝙚𝙘𝙤𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖 𝙈𝙖𝙩𝙧𝙞𝙖𝙧𝙘𝙝 stands as its own work.

I read 𝘽𝙚𝙘𝙤𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖 𝙈𝙖𝙩𝙧𝙞𝙖𝙧𝙘𝙝 on Amma’s death anniversary. Her and my aunt were my unconditional supporters, the sort of relationship Helen has with her mom and grandma, and I am grateful to have so many cherished memories with them. I related Helen’s desire to want to talk to her mom and grandma, and through her words, found myself thinking of my favorite people who are no longer around. We have both found ways to keep them in our lives.

Thank you Penguin Canada for the honor to review this book.

Check out the detailed review on my blog. :)

- Kriti, Armed with A Book | Twitter | Facebook | Instagram