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I'm Not Really Here
Paul Lake was Manchester born, a City fan from birth. His footballing talent was spotted at a young age and, in 1983, he signed coveted schoolboy forms for City. Only a short time later he was handed the team captaincy.An international career soon beckoned and, after turning out for the England under-21 and B teams, he received a call-up to the England training camp for Italia '90. Earmarked as an England captain in the making, Paul became a target for top clubs like Manchester United, Arsenal, Spurs and Liverpool, but he always stayed loyal to his beloved club, deeming Maine Road the spiritual home at which his destiny lay.But then, in September 1990, disaster struck. Paul ruptured his cruciate ligament; sustaining the worst possible injury that a footballer can suffer. And so began his nightmare.Neglected, ignored and misunderstood by his club after a succession of failed operations, Paul's career began to fall apart. Watching from the sidelines as similarly injured players regained their fitness, he spiralled into a prolonged bout of severe depression. With an enforced retirement from the game he adored, the death of his father and the collapse of his marriage, Paul was left a broken man.Set against a turning point in English football, I'm Not Really Here is the powerful story of love and loss and the cruel, irreparable damage of injury; of determination, spirit and resilience and of unfulfilled potential and broken dreams.
436 pages, Kindle Edition
First published August 4, 2011
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 34 reviews
March 11, 2016
Local BBC radio in Manchester tipped this book on one of their 'footie' forum broadcasts, when Paul Lake was a guest on the programme. The presenters echoed the Manchester Metro review that is shown on the book's cover, 'best football autobiography ever? Unquestionably.' On my very next library visit, there it was, so I had to read this. Being of the red side of Manchester and the blue of Oldham did not in any way hinder my enjoyment of Paul Lake's autobiography.
No glittering twenty year career in the top flight, no pile of international caps, no big cup winners medals or league title honours and no top European exploits to his name.
'I'm Not Really Here' documents the rise of the boy with sky blue blood in his veins, his progress through the City ranks, to become captain of the first eleven and to be knocking on the door of the England squad. The first two hundred pages read like the standard 'footie' biog.....then 'Lakey' ruptures his cruciate ligament in 1990 and the following two hundred pages tell another story.
Botched treatment, struggles through rehab, mental depression, his pro football life effectively over at the age of twenty one.
Written throughout in vivid 'Manc' lingua franca, this harrowing and very revealing book should be read by fans of the beautiful game.
No glittering twenty year career in the top flight, no pile of international caps, no big cup winners medals or league title honours and no top European exploits to his name.
'I'm Not Really Here' documents the rise of the boy with sky blue blood in his veins, his progress through the City ranks, to become captain of the first eleven and to be knocking on the door of the England squad. The first two hundred pages read like the standard 'footie' biog.....then 'Lakey' ruptures his cruciate ligament in 1990 and the following two hundred pages tell another story.
Botched treatment, struggles through rehab, mental depression, his pro football life effectively over at the age of twenty one.
Written throughout in vivid 'Manc' lingua franca, this harrowing and very revealing book should be read by fans of the beautiful game.
January 24, 2013
This book was brilliant. Arguably my favourite football book and by far the best auto-biography / bio I have read.
Following the life of a young prodigy that is hit with a career threatening injury, the author offers an insight into the unseen side of football, opening up on his emotions (positive and negative) and despite even entering depression shows wit and self-deprecation whilst describing his existence.
How he deals with it, both succumbing and overcoming is a truly great story & whilst he never plays again, Paul Lake gets the happy ending he deserves.
A must read and a must re-read if you ever find yourself lacking motivation.
Following the life of a young prodigy that is hit with a career threatening injury, the author offers an insight into the unseen side of football, opening up on his emotions (positive and negative) and despite even entering depression shows wit and self-deprecation whilst describing his existence.
How he deals with it, both succumbing and overcoming is a truly great story & whilst he never plays again, Paul Lake gets the happy ending he deserves.
A must read and a must re-read if you ever find yourself lacking motivation.
September 22, 2012
I've only ever read 2 other football autobios and they were both terrible, this however was very good. Not many people outside of Man City supporters I suspect will be too familiar with Paul Lake's story but it's very much worth a read dealing as it does with depression and a sense of loss when you lose something you've dedicated your life towards.
The prologue sets the tone as it's split in to 2 parts, one the highs of being successful at something you love followed by the lows of career and body ruined. The book then sticks to this format, much like a football match having 2 halves.
The prologue sets the tone as it's split in to 2 parts, one the highs of being successful at something you love followed by the lows of career and body ruined. The book then sticks to this format, much like a football match having 2 halves.
April 9, 2023
A really well written autobiography that follows Paul’s life from the days playing for his schoolboy team right through to the troubles and strains of football injuries and out the other side. As a City supporter great to hear his experiences of games I was at or watched on the telly and how well he was known and loved throughout the City and wider football community. Interesting to hear a footballing story that wasn’t all cups and plaudits.
April 25, 2018
“I start to feel dazed and light headed-losing a pint of blood is probably taking its toll-and as I sense myself drifting away, scenes of a former career begin to flicker before me like an old Pathé newsreel. A grainy montage of goals and passes, of headers and tackles, of team-mates and managers, of stadiums and crowds, all accompanied by muffled commentators’ voices…I’m finished. It’s over.”
This is one of the best football biographies I have read in a long time. Written alongside his wife Joanne, it’s a story told with warmth, modesty and intelligence, that really gets beneath the surface of being a professional footballer and illustrates the nightmare of dealing with chronic injuries and not realising your full potential.
From his football obsessed childhood growing up in the 70s, to winning the Smiths Crisps Six-a-side tournament at Wembley in 1980, through to his YTS with Manchester City in 1985 and eventually captaining the club, and then making appearances for England at the U-21 a B levels. We see the many qualities and achievements of Lake's early career and how it was brought crashing down on that day in 1990 when he ruptured his ACL, which would trigger a cycle of gruelling operations and stunted comebacks.
There is some really nice writing in here, and it’s not just limited to football patter like, “Possessing a sweet left foot that could have rewired the back of a television.” Which is entertaining, but there is some really heartfelt and eloquent writing elsewhere too. We learn of the importance that music played in his life, not only does he visit places like the Hacienda and other pubs and clubs for the music, but each chapter is named after songs by Mancunian bands and artists.
There are plenty of interesting colour photos in here, which capture some of the highlights well. There are many memorable stories too, Lake recalls one story of coming in at half time during a game against Bournemouth and City were 3-0 up, the manager decides to bring in comedian Eddie Large (a big City fan) to do the half time talk, he does so resorting to a number of impressions for each player. They went out for the second half and the game finished 3-3.
On another occasion after a weekend defeat, his then manager Howard Kendall, came into mid-week training and treated his players to some crates of beer, saying, “Let’s just forget Saturday’s game. Have a couple of beers on me, and let’s crack on till the end of the season, eh?” It’s hard imagining Alex Ferguson or many other top managers reacting in such a way. “He was, without question, the best boss I ever had.” Is how he describes his feelings for the late Howard Kendall.
His recollections around many of the bigger and higher profile names at the time made for good reading. People like Bryan Robson, Paul Ince and Gazza come out particularly well. Also when he is recovering at Lilleshall he befriended fellow injured professionals like Ally McCoist, Ian Durrant, Alan Shearer, John Barnes and Vinnie Jones, with some highly amusing results.
Lake also recounts the appalling and humiliating treatment he endured at the hands of the then chairman. Apparently the staff shredded all of his medical notes too, claiming that, “They didn’t make any sense.” His recurring injuries and various setbacks eventually lead to “the triple whammy of insomnia, inertia and amnesia.” and a punishing spell of depression.
This is a moving, inspirational and hugely enjoyable read, which comfortably sits up there with not just the best football biographies, but the stronger and more memorable sporting memoirs too. This is another one of those books that proves that there are plenty of footballing biographies out there that have the right measure of quality, substance and readability.
This is one of the best football biographies I have read in a long time. Written alongside his wife Joanne, it’s a story told with warmth, modesty and intelligence, that really gets beneath the surface of being a professional footballer and illustrates the nightmare of dealing with chronic injuries and not realising your full potential.
From his football obsessed childhood growing up in the 70s, to winning the Smiths Crisps Six-a-side tournament at Wembley in 1980, through to his YTS with Manchester City in 1985 and eventually captaining the club, and then making appearances for England at the U-21 a B levels. We see the many qualities and achievements of Lake's early career and how it was brought crashing down on that day in 1990 when he ruptured his ACL, which would trigger a cycle of gruelling operations and stunted comebacks.
There is some really nice writing in here, and it’s not just limited to football patter like, “Possessing a sweet left foot that could have rewired the back of a television.” Which is entertaining, but there is some really heartfelt and eloquent writing elsewhere too. We learn of the importance that music played in his life, not only does he visit places like the Hacienda and other pubs and clubs for the music, but each chapter is named after songs by Mancunian bands and artists.
There are plenty of interesting colour photos in here, which capture some of the highlights well. There are many memorable stories too, Lake recalls one story of coming in at half time during a game against Bournemouth and City were 3-0 up, the manager decides to bring in comedian Eddie Large (a big City fan) to do the half time talk, he does so resorting to a number of impressions for each player. They went out for the second half and the game finished 3-3.
On another occasion after a weekend defeat, his then manager Howard Kendall, came into mid-week training and treated his players to some crates of beer, saying, “Let’s just forget Saturday’s game. Have a couple of beers on me, and let’s crack on till the end of the season, eh?” It’s hard imagining Alex Ferguson or many other top managers reacting in such a way. “He was, without question, the best boss I ever had.” Is how he describes his feelings for the late Howard Kendall.
His recollections around many of the bigger and higher profile names at the time made for good reading. People like Bryan Robson, Paul Ince and Gazza come out particularly well. Also when he is recovering at Lilleshall he befriended fellow injured professionals like Ally McCoist, Ian Durrant, Alan Shearer, John Barnes and Vinnie Jones, with some highly amusing results.
Lake also recounts the appalling and humiliating treatment he endured at the hands of the then chairman. Apparently the staff shredded all of his medical notes too, claiming that, “They didn’t make any sense.” His recurring injuries and various setbacks eventually lead to “the triple whammy of insomnia, inertia and amnesia.” and a punishing spell of depression.
This is a moving, inspirational and hugely enjoyable read, which comfortably sits up there with not just the best football biographies, but the stronger and more memorable sporting memoirs too. This is another one of those books that proves that there are plenty of footballing biographies out there that have the right measure of quality, substance and readability.
January 23, 2012
I'm not a City fan, but then I don't think you need to be to enjoy this book.
It details Paul Lake's rise from junior football to playing for his childhood club. This is from the days before multi million pound wages and pre Bosman ruling.
The (almost) side stories are fascinating in themselves: tales form England squad meets, the training conditions at Platt Lane and so on.
Overshadowing all this rags to riches story is the slight matter of a catalogue of knee injuries which blighted his promising career.
Paul takes us through the murky world of clubs treating players with disdain and failing to provide a proper support network for their injured assets.
He talks candidly of his frustrations and slow descent into depression.
It was this side of the book, the story of soemone who apparently was on the brink of having it all, but had it cruelly whisked away, which initially drew me to the book. How does someone cope with set back after set back, the never ending media scrutiny and the struggle to make sense of a life which seemed to be fast tracking to household name status.
Without spoiling the book, it provides an interesting insight into what life is like when the wheels come off, and how ex-footballers struggle to find a niche in life after their playing days are over.
Highly recommended for anyone to read, you don't need to be a football fan to appreciate the story being told here.
It details Paul Lake's rise from junior football to playing for his childhood club. This is from the days before multi million pound wages and pre Bosman ruling.
The (almost) side stories are fascinating in themselves: tales form England squad meets, the training conditions at Platt Lane and so on.
Overshadowing all this rags to riches story is the slight matter of a catalogue of knee injuries which blighted his promising career.
Paul takes us through the murky world of clubs treating players with disdain and failing to provide a proper support network for their injured assets.
He talks candidly of his frustrations and slow descent into depression.
It was this side of the book, the story of soemone who apparently was on the brink of having it all, but had it cruelly whisked away, which initially drew me to the book. How does someone cope with set back after set back, the never ending media scrutiny and the struggle to make sense of a life which seemed to be fast tracking to household name status.
Without spoiling the book, it provides an interesting insight into what life is like when the wheels come off, and how ex-footballers struggle to find a niche in life after their playing days are over.
Highly recommended for anyone to read, you don't need to be a football fan to appreciate the story being told here.
September 7, 2014
A book of two halves.
I must admit the first part of the book read like it had been badly ghost written and was the normal footballers book, but the second half was brutally honest and felt more like Paul talking and baring his soul. His story is compelling nad hard not to be moved by.
I remember watching Paul Lake he was a great player and destined for bigger better things until he was struck by injury. I am a Liverpool fan but brought up to acknowledge class and he was calss. When people ask why players have so much power nowadays it is because of the way clubs like City treated their players.
When a player is injured no one sees whay they go through, no matter how much money you have if your depressed you are depressed, its ok to admit it. All you can do is wish paul Lake well and hope his future is all it deserves to be.
I must admit the first part of the book read like it had been badly ghost written and was the normal footballers book, but the second half was brutally honest and felt more like Paul talking and baring his soul. His story is compelling nad hard not to be moved by.
I remember watching Paul Lake he was a great player and destined for bigger better things until he was struck by injury. I am a Liverpool fan but brought up to acknowledge class and he was calss. When people ask why players have so much power nowadays it is because of the way clubs like City treated their players.
When a player is injured no one sees whay they go through, no matter how much money you have if your depressed you are depressed, its ok to admit it. All you can do is wish paul Lake well and hope his future is all it deserves to be.
May 20, 2013
YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE A FOOTBALL FAN TO BE MOVED BY THIS STORY! Born and raised a City fan this is a story of Paul Lake who would go on to captain is hometown team only to have it all taken away by injury. This could easily been a bitter and twisted tale of what could have been but instead it's a heartfelt moving tale of one mans fight and ultimate triumph in overcoming cruel fate! Pal owl easily have been talked about in the same breath as Scholes and Giggs at United if he remained injury free but it was not o be. A very humble man who is proud to have had the opportunity of a career in football for his boyhood team and England, who acknowledges how lucky w was to be there in the first place! A truly fantastic read!
June 10, 2017
As a avid Manchester City fan and a guy who remembers seeing Paul Lake playing at Maine Road this was a must read for me . This book brought back memories some good most bad but that was just the life of a city fan back in 80's and 90's . I knew Paul had a bad injury but I didn't know how bad it was and how much of a hard time he had and how hard his life was away from playing football. I highly recommend this book for all football fans not just city fans as it had me laughing at some of the antics of the on and off the pitch
March 2, 2018
Never really followed English football, especially since Sky came into the equation but Paul Lake is a name I remember as an up and coming player then he seemed to disappear without fulfilling his potential. Now I know why, after suffering a crippling injury. One minute he is living the dream, the next minute the dream starts to dissolve over a period of time, resulting in the black dog. One of the better football autobiographies.
Ray Smillie
Ray Smillie
March 7, 2020
This is definitely a book of two halves. The first reads like your average run of the mill footballer’s memoirs but the second delves into the despair many players must feel when they’re on the sidelines, or even worse when their career is under threat.
It wasn’t as good as I thought it could be though as I’m not sure I got much more from it than I already knew from other books - maybe Man City fans may disagree though!
It wasn’t as good as I thought it could be though as I’m not sure I got much more from it than I already knew from other books - maybe Man City fans may disagree though!
January 14, 2022
Growing up a City fan, and knowing Paul Lake as an unused squad member, it was interesting to delve into his life.
His honesty shines through, and should be shown to budding young footballers who too often have their heads turned.
Some of the story is easy to gloss over, with maybe one too many recalled conversations about something and nothing. Especially when we have sections later on where his actual work is condensed into a few lines, or paragraphs.
Interesting book from a lost talent.
His honesty shines through, and should be shown to budding young footballers who too often have their heads turned.
Some of the story is easy to gloss over, with maybe one too many recalled conversations about something and nothing. Especially when we have sections later on where his actual work is condensed into a few lines, or paragraphs.
Interesting book from a lost talent.
March 1, 2022
I'm a Liverpool fan, brought up on them in the 1980s and 90s and remember Paul Lake very well as a potential signing. He was a versatile player and would have added so much to our squad. Alas, his injuries put paid to that. His book is very insightful into his injury record and an important account, showing the choices and predicaments that many sportspeople go through. I was glad to read about his endeavours after being a player and his overcoming of the obstacles he faced..
December 30, 2024
Way better than your average ex footballer autobiography. I remember Paul Lake in his playing days then his career ending injury. Typical of most football clubs they do not come out looking very clever in the way the dealt with Paul and his injury. It wouldn't happen now. Heart breaking at times this read but so glad I bought it.
July 19, 2018
A moving story of one of the MCFC legends, Paul Lake. Could've been one of the greatest English players, sadly wasn't to be due to horrific injury and appalling treatment given by the club. Paul is dead honest about his struggles with depression and feeling of isolation. But don't worry, there's a lot to smile about here too.
October 27, 2019
Cover note has it as "the best football autobiography ever.."
It's not, but is quite good.
It's not, but is quite good.
November 24, 2021
One of the best memoirs of a top pro, whose life is a perfect three-act movie with a supportive group around him and all the wretchedness of an injury-plagued career. A cathartic read.
October 12, 2023
Open and honest tale. An inspiration that there is always light at the end of the tunnel.
September 10, 2012
Finished this book after spending far too much of what should have been dissertation time reading it. This is up there with Reng's 'A Life Too Short' on the late Robert Enke and Marcus Trescothick's book in terms of sporting biographies. Paul Lake was a player who I honestly hadn't heard of before hearing about this book, having begun his downward injury spiral before I was old enough to take an interest.
Lake describes the darker side of football, that of the countless players who don't quite make it for one reason or another, more painful in Lake's case as before his injuries he was regarded as one of England's finest young players. In an age when footballers are largely negatively perceived on the whole do little to endear themselves to most people, Lake is a refreshing perspective, and once which has been tempered by the myriad disappointments and knock-downs he experienced after such a promising youth career. Describing his years on the injury table, being made to feel forgotten, and finding out that if it wasn't for a certain degree of backward thinking at Man City his initial injury may have been treatable, this book provides a personal and moving account without the venom which his experiences could have caused towards those who were at fault due to their neglect. Lake's upturn in fortune provides a more uplifting finish with a settled family and his depression no longer such an issue, yet tempered by the knowledge that the injuries which ravaged his career will affect him for the rest of his life.
Lake describes the darker side of football, that of the countless players who don't quite make it for one reason or another, more painful in Lake's case as before his injuries he was regarded as one of England's finest young players. In an age when footballers are largely negatively perceived on the whole do little to endear themselves to most people, Lake is a refreshing perspective, and once which has been tempered by the myriad disappointments and knock-downs he experienced after such a promising youth career. Describing his years on the injury table, being made to feel forgotten, and finding out that if it wasn't for a certain degree of backward thinking at Man City his initial injury may have been treatable, this book provides a personal and moving account without the venom which his experiences could have caused towards those who were at fault due to their neglect. Lake's upturn in fortune provides a more uplifting finish with a settled family and his depression no longer such an issue, yet tempered by the knowledge that the injuries which ravaged his career will affect him for the rest of his life.
June 22, 2016
Great read, one of the best football autobiographies I've read(just behind Back from the Brink -Paul McGrath).
Excellent account of the joys of a young talented fotballer progression trhough youth football, then signing for the club he always supported and working his way into their first team. Touted by many to be the most talented English player of his generation he looked to have a bright future, then having the rug pulled from under his feet after a horrible injury. His struggle to regain match fitness and the slide into depression at the realisition it would never happen. He then set new goals in life and got back to the club he loved
10/10 Would recomend to any football fan and indeed any sport fan
Excellent account of the joys of a young talented fotballer progression trhough youth football, then signing for the club he always supported and working his way into their first team. Touted by many to be the most talented English player of his generation he looked to have a bright future, then having the rug pulled from under his feet after a horrible injury. His struggle to regain match fitness and the slide into depression at the realisition it would never happen. He then set new goals in life and got back to the club he loved
10/10 Would recomend to any football fan and indeed any sport fan
March 4, 2014
This has to be the best football book I have ever read. The story is really one of loss and unfulfilled dreams and promise. You can feel the grief and pain caused by the injury that ended Paul's career and the impact this had on him as a person and on his self-worth. Having grown up in the area and knowing some of the people and places mentioned in the book it was very personal for me. I would recommend this book to anybody as a heart rending and moving story not just for those with an interest in football. There are some grammatical mistakes in the book but the quality of the writing is good and the chapters well crafted. Overall, a great read.
August 2, 2014
Brilliant book by a guy who has the right to be really be very jealous - but isn't. A great future as a footballer at manchester City, on the fringe of the England squad - one tackle ended it all.
It's a book that fans of all clubs will read from cover to cover - it's a book that modern footballers, with all their pomp and self selected grandiose celebrity status should read. This could happen to any one of them.
It's a book that fans of all clubs will read from cover to cover - it's a book that modern footballers, with all their pomp and self selected grandiose celebrity status should read. This could happen to any one of them.
October 31, 2011
The best sports autobiographies have a subplot running alongside the main sporting theme e.g. Marcus Trescothick. I'm Not Really Here fits this scenario, the real story starts once Paul Lake suffers his injury and his efforts in battling back to fitness. There are many questions that are unanswered and sadly never will be.
June 26, 2012
My response is a little slanted as I love the bloke but a pretty good autobiography of the life of an injured footballer and some insight into how Man City was run in the bad old days. Worth a read if you like this genre whilst sjitting by the pool.
June 2, 2016
Quite simply, the best footballer autobiography. Ups and downs all the way.
A fantastic view into a footballer's life,has you hooked from start to finish. Highly recommended to football fans up and down the country
A fantastic view into a footballer's life,has you hooked from start to finish. Highly recommended to football fans up and down the country
March 4, 2012
For once a brilliant football autobiography
Read
October 2, 2012Amazing book I have met Paul and he has Signed my book amazing guy CTID
December 21, 2012
Best sports book I've ever read, if a little on the sad side. From the era when I first started watching football, early 90's.
March 6, 2013
Really enjoyed this book. A very moving and honest story,was sad to finish the book!
August 27, 2014
Brilliantly candid autobiography. Heartbreaking to have such a bright career cut short by injury.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 34 reviews