Big Big Love, Revised: A Sex and Relationships Guide for People of Size

by Hanne Blank

Love, Romance, and Great Big Sexuality for Everyone   Big Big Love is the only one-stop-shopping handbook on relationships, sexuality, and big sexy confidence for people of all genders, sizes, and sexual orientations who know that a fantastic love life doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with the number on the bathroom scale. Covering everything from dating to sex toys to getting on top, this guide also features tips on navigating tricky topics like making peace with your belly, coping with weight-related prejudice, and creating a happy, satisfying sex life in a culture where no body is ever perfect enough.   This freshly illustrated update of the 2000 cult classic features new interviews with body-acceptance activists, health coaches, psychologists, and more, plus hundreds of quotes from fat folks and those who love them selected from a survey conducted exclusively for the book. From taking your clothes off to BDSM to fat admiration to tips for successful long-term relationships, Big Big Love’s savvy, sane advice can help you tackle every hot-button issue you may confront in the bedroom and in love.

Genres: Nonfiction, Sexuality, Self Help, Fat, Fat Acceptance, Fat Studies, Health

242 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2000

About the author

Hanne Blank is a writer and historian.
Periodicals which have featured her work include Penthouse, In These Times, Southwest Art, Lilith, Bitch: Feminist Response to Pop Culture, the Baltimore CityPaper, the Boston Phoenix, Santa Fean Magazine, and others. Her short fiction and essays are frequently anthologized.

Ms. Blank's work has been reviewed in The New York Times, The Chicago Sun-Times, The Washington Post, The Village Voice, NYLON, Entertainment Weekly , and many other periodicals, and she has been widely interviewed on radio and television in Australia, the US, UK, and Canada, including being featured on National Public Radio, BBC 4, and on the acclaimed Canadian program SexTV. As a public speaker and educator, Ms. Blank has appeared on the campuses of many universities and colleges, as well as at national and regional conferences of various types and centers for adult learning. She has been the Scholar of the Institute at the Institute for Teaching and Research on Women, Towson University, Maryland, and has taught at the university level at institutions including Brandeis University, Tufts University, and Whitworth College. Formally trained as a classical musician,as well as an historian, she has been a Fellow of the Tanglewood Music Center, and was the 1991 recipient of the George Whitfield Chadwick medal.

Although Ms. Blank is a dyed-in-the-wool Midwesterner, she currently lives and works in Baltimore, Maryland, where she shares a 170-year-old stone house on a dirt road in the middle of the city with her spouse, two cats, and the world’s cutest Japanese Akita.

Reviews

[Candice · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was such lovely, insightful read. I poured through this thing in a minute and really adore her humor and conversational style, though repetitious in spots to catch the chapter-here-chapter-there reader jumping between topics. Equally self-revelatory and probing into the sex lives of other fat people and the FAs/ FFAs who desire fat bodies for any number of reasons - from deeply romantic love to the more problematic and spectacular aspects of fetish, dominance over and humiliation of fat bodies (lots of gray, often dark and abusive stuff to unpack here...) Blank is incredibly inclusive in her methodology and she debunks common fat mythologies intersecting sexuality, gender, race, class, power and privilege with the dexterity of a historian (which she is) and the pacing of a pop-savvy social commentator. She's equally pragmatic and whimsical in her approach that's just so admirable, careful and clear. I very rarely read non-fiction for shits and giggles after eight straight years of academic research, but this was just awesome sauce.

[Krissy · Rating 5 out of 5]

While the title of this book pinpoints the audience as "people of size and those who love them", I believe everyone could benefit from reading this book as it focuses on equity for all. This book opened my eyes to the challenges that people of size (or fat people as I'm going to use from now on in this review because I own that phrase for myself) have in the world. While this book is marketed as a sexual manual, it is so much more than that. The first half of the book focuses on issues and challenges that fat people may face while living in a world that wants to shun and shame them. The second half talks more about sexuality and the challenges that may occur if you're not a size 2. I do want to give fair warning that there are graphics and pictures in the newer version of the book, which can be helpful for readers, but can seem graphic if you're not expecting it (or don't like to look at pictures of people having sex).

What I appreciated about this book was the respect and dignity the author paid to fat people. The book is written in an engaging, friendly and respectful tone that shows that Ms. Blank understands people of sizes' point of view. I also appreciated the questions and issues she brought up throughout the book--I didn't anticipate this being a social justice guide, but that is what I truly view this as now, as opposed to just being a book about sex and sexuality (which I originally thought it was). If you're looking for a book about perspectives other than your own, this would be a great resource for you to check out. I highly recommend it.

[duck reads · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good basic coverage of a variety of subjects relating to fat sexuality, subdivided into copious subheadings within each chapter--this book is really well organised. It also backs up its fat-positive message with loving descriptions of how fat bodies look and feel to convey a real-feeling appreciation of fat sensuality, as well as a fuckton of info pertaining to fat sexuality. Add in the specific position suggestions and realistic-style drawings and you get a feeling of overall frankness and comfort that I really enjoy.

The sexual health and risk reduction section rubbed me the wrong way (word choice intentional always) by feeling overly prescriptive, but I am picky about that subject in particular. I also found the section on feeding/gaining fetishes to be pretty harshly judgmental.

I think it's impossible to go super in-depth and be a general overview at the same time, but this book does its very best to have its overview be as thorough as possible, and I think it succeeds quite well in most areas.

[Danni Green · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have to be perfectly honest and say that I was disappointed with the revised edition of this book. I read the original version over a decade ago, when I was first coming out as transgender and just starting to unlearn the anti-feminist and body-negative messages with which I grew up. The book was SO powerful for me then, explicitly acknowledging transgender people within the context of the very important messages about size acceptance and celebration. I was so excited about this new edition because I thought for sure that it would go a step further and fully include transgender people and our experiences and bodies throughout the book. Instead, there is just a shortened-from-the-original section (with an awkward, cliched "trans fats" pun as its header) mentioning transgender people, and an occasional hat-tip here and there, but for the most part, the gender essentialism and cissexist language pervades.

Overall, it just seemed like a lot of the really great stuff in the original edition was abbeviated and/or watered down. It's still a good book, and I hope that many people read it. I've been recommending the original to people for years, and I will continue to encourage people to read that version! I'm just surprised to find that I would rather recommend the original to the revised version.

I have great respect for the author and for this important contribution to feminist and body-positivity literature, and I hope this spurs more dialogue about the messages that people of all genders, sizes, and shapes need in order to fully express our sexualities and find meaningful relationships.

[Melissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book so much that when I first started reading it, ages ago, I wrote a review based solely on the introduction alone. This is, without a doubt, a book I think everyone should read, because it will give you a huge dose of humility, whether you realize it or not. Fat acceptance is not something widely practiced in Western culture, and Blank covers everything in this book, from acceptance to health, sex and relationships, self love and abuse. The book is filled with anonymous quotes from people surveyed by Blank for the book, as well as interviews with prominent members of the fat community. Her writing style is comfortable to read, often written as if she is having a conversation with the reader, intimate, confident, and comforting.

[Jennie · Rating 3 out of 5]

A worthy read for anyone really. Loads of good stuff in here on body positivity. I especially love the idea that Hanne Blank puts forth that no one does "having a body" wrong. She lambasts all the cultural influences that hold up good sex, good relationships, money, success, career satisfaction and happiness as rewards for having a body the RIGHT way. And she wisely advises against putting your life on hold until some fantasy of bodily perfection is reached. Again, great advice for anyone.

I picked this up after listening to Hanne Blank on the Big Big Love episode of Sex Nerd Sandra's podcast, which is a great listen. This was mostly common sense to me, but I'm already open minded and attracted to people of many different shapes and sizes.

[Kimberly · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent read. Not sure why it took me FOREVER to get through this, but alas. Here I am. It is a bit of a beginner's book for anyone new to the fat acceptance movement or for someone who is at the beginning stages of trying to love their fat body (or love someone who has a fat body). This book really is full of great information, affirmations, and really just full of love. Every once and a while you just need a reminder that fat people deserve as much and love, and more importantly respect as everyone else. Even if that just means just loving yourself. Loved all the real life examples, and totally learned a few things along the way with this book!

If you are fat or if you have ever loved a fat person, then this book should be a staple.

[Gnomad · Rating 3 out of 5]

Blank does a good job of striking a balance between educator and activist as she talks about various topics and concerns around fat sexuality. But I got to the end of the book and couldn't help but think, really? Don't you figure this stuff out simply by being a moderately thoughtful fat person going about your life? Do I really need an entire book designed to validate my sexuality and that of those who are attracted to me? I guess it's a great book if you need that, and in that case, I'm very glad this book exists for you.

As someone who doesn't need that, though, I was bored by info I already knew and understood.

[Natalie Slaughter · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was an amazing read. In addition to being a great reference for fat folks sex (it even had sections for those of us who don't fall into your generic hetero categories), it had a chapter dedicated to Fat Admirers/Chubby Chasers that articulated a lot of feelings I've had on the subject for a long time. I won't word vomit it all here, but I transcribed one of the sections and talked about my feelings over yonder.

I've read and re-read this book twice now, and it's definitely going to remain a shelf staple.

[Rachele Maria · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was very, very interested in reading Big Big Love, Revised: A Sex and Relationships Guide for People of Size (and Those Who Love Them) by Hanne Blank. I am a scorpio, after all. Contrary to popular belief, big people fuck and it's not a freak show.

"Sweet, tender, luscious sex. Sweaty, feral, sheet-ripping sex. Shivery, jiggly, gasping sex."

But we feel vulnerable and often denied of our sexual nature. But it is possible to be fat and have a positive sex life, just like how you can be fat and have a positive body image. (full review blogged here.)

[Erica]

It turns out that this book is out-of-print (oop). I'm currently on auction & used book sites gawping at the exhorbitant sums being charged/bid, and apparently paid, for this $15 paperback.
If I were the author, to whom the rights have reverted since Greenery Press let it go officially oop, I'd self-publish a couple of hundred copies and slowly make them available on the auction sites at the $50 a pop that it's currently pulling in, LOL.
Fat activism sites have recommended this book, which is probably the cause of the new demand.

[Jessica King · Rating 3 out of 5]

Love this whole Heath at Every Size movement. I have always been a "take me as I am right now and let me decide how to be better" or fuck off sort of gal anyway, but it's a hard thing to always put into practice...especially when you're smart enough to see and accept your own flaws. I've read 2 of Blank's books now, and I admit I skim quite a bit, but I find the strength and movement behind her ideas refreshing.

[Chelsea Clifton · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved this book for the LOVE I felt for myself after reading the testimonies of people who love to love fat bodies. It's not a fetish. It's not a kink. It's a person, whose body is very lovable. This is a good, self-affirming read.

[Nicole · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is excellent, truly. It has a wealth of resources, information, and wisdom for people of all shapes and sizes. My only complaint is that I wish I had read it about 10 years ago, before I had to figure it all out for myself, by myself. This book would be great for people who have recently gained weight, are feeling insecure, and aren't sure where to start looking for information about how body changes can affect sexuality. It's especially good for those who are new to the fat acceptance and Health At Every Size movements. But for "advanced" readers...you probably know most of this stuff already.

[Nikki · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked Blank's frank way of discussing sex, and it was helpful to read about the other fat people with fulfilling sex lives, and how some people just can't bring themselves to admit their attraction to fat people. I think I've known some people like that personally, but wasn't sure if my hunches were accurate. Now I think they probably were... So I definitely got something out of Big Big Love, even if it wasn't the mind blowing experience I hoped for.

[Red · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought this book was good, but maybe better for someone who's newer to fat politics. I found it a little flat - not much in it that felt new and fascinating or groundbreaking. it was really well-written and well-organized, and a clear and accessible text. Hanne's conviction that fat people are deserving of love and sex just shines right through. what a beautiful thing.

[Spook Sulek · Rating 3 out of 5]

Really rather good! I wasn't entirely sure what all I was getting into, but I like Blank's voice, her attention to detail and the amount of work she puts into her research; really, I wasn't surprised at how much I liked this book. It's also a great resource, and a fantastic overview into what it could be to really love oneself and/or other bigger people, smile.

[NV · Rating 2 out of 5]

A lot of generalizations, making this applicable to anyone. Okay, but then you're misleading the target audience. This is more of a self-help book for fat confidence, in my opinion. I was expecting more insight into fat sex positions & sexual activities than this offered. The resource guide is pretty awesome & I'm hoping that will make up for the ways the book was a disappointment for me.

[Samantha · Rating 5 out of 5]

An emotional read that tells it like it is. Any body who endeavors to read this should come out the other side a better version of themselves. I love this Hanne Blank and her speaking the truth about reality. Great book. Read it.

[Teresa · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is going to take me some time to fully wrap my head around, and I'll likely want to revisit it in the future. Overall though it was fascinating and is a deeper look into fat sexuality and what that means.

[Aradia V · Rating 4 out of 5]

Funny, intelligent, honest.

[Mary · Rating 4 out of 5]

this is the first of 3 actual book publisher-published books i'm thanked in.

[PJ · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read for every fat person, especially women, and the people who love them!

[TheKrazySheep · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was reading this more for the positive body image stuff than the strictly sexual stuff. It definitely helped me but I'd have liked to see more comments and stories from the results of the survey.

[Dilara · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wanted to read it just for fun but ended up with reading it in a serious way :D

[Jo · Rating 5 out of 5]

For people of size, this book is a wonderful helpful way of boosting your self-worth. It helps to know that there are possibilities out there for all of us. Love this.

[Provocateurs of Esoterotica · Rating 5 out of 5]

Big Big Love: is a book about being a bigger guy or girl and navigating body politics and issues in the bedroom. Being a bigger dude, this book really helped be get comfortable with my body and being naked with another person. It's a great tool for folks have trouble with finding their sexy.
This book is a particular favorite of Esoterotica provocateur Mike Marina.

[Lynley Price · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'd give this two ratings: 25-year-old me, who was just starting out on her fat sex, love and acceptance journey, would give this 5 stars. I wish I'd known about it because there's a lot of stuff in here I needed to take in then, concepts that felt so foreign to me. Now, four years later, I'd give this about a 3.5. It is a great, great, great "beginners" guide but where I am now I found myself more just agreeing with what Blank was saying as opposed to new insight.

[Yamuna Deva · Rating 2 out of 5]

I feel like the description of this book needs to change. This book was bland and overpriced. There was some good info in this but generally, I could have done without this reading. All the info I felt was skimmed on and not delved into in-depth enough.

[Megan Thomas · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was incredible and did wonders for my self-esteem!

I especially loved the thoughtful and inclusive Resource Guide at the end. I added a few things to my wishlist for future purchases.

If you are a fat-bodied baddie or love someone who is, please read this. :)