How do they not think about the sharks when they’re swimming that 1,400 miles? Green turtles must have the kind of mind that doesn’t think about sharks unless a shark is there. That must be how it is with them. I can’t believe they’d swim 1,400 miles thinking about sharks. Sea turtles can’t shut themselves up in their shells as land turtles do.
So shrieked Sartre, “Man is condemned to be free”. This condemnation is as difficult to imagine as it is obvious and plausible. Freedom as condemnation is as real a marriage of the incompatible that is lasting, nevertheless. Such is the travesty of modern man, he seems always in chains and yet it’s the freedom’s cross he bears across his breast. Life is a bondage where man is free. Free in incarceration; its his condemnation. Absurd as it sounds, absurd as it feels, absurd as it appears and even absurd in its surreptitiousness, that is how it is. No condemnation is overtly sweet in the plebeian parlance, neither is this one. Again, absurd as it is, the very condemnation replete with visible misery and desperation hides in its bosom, satiation, fulfillment and if I may, happiness and joy even. Nothing but absurd and absurdly so.
“I don’t feel as if I’m living unless I’m killing myself. Very good. Wonderful.”
A tight-rope walk is what life is akin to. Untrained and uninitiated, its us who are thrown over this stretch of string. Well if we ignore the involuntary accidents, does everyone of us end up on the other side? Even from among those who do end up on the other side, how many manage it meaningfully? Is it possible for a tight rope walker to be free all the time, fearlessly free? How can fear ever leave the one whose every step can mean whether he will retain the choice for the next one? Never abandoned by fear, how can he be free? So, does everyone who make it on the other side, finish up the tight rope walk? What good is the crossing if it is ugly and replete with wriggling and slips galore, sissy and wet with nothing but frets and catcalls? To hide in nooks and crannies, pusillanimously writhing through the sieves and selfishly treading over, is not finishing. Its not merely the crossing over but the manner of doing so that matters. In Actual reality, its hard to imagine anyone more freer than a tight rope walker; he has gotten rid of the greatest impediment to freedom, fear. Right within our condemnation, lies our freedom, either we must succesfully cross over, or fall with a bang...
To live with a yowl and die with a WHAM!
Falling in fear is simply dying. But the glory lies in fearlessly, successfully carrying out to completion, that tight rope walk or even merely attempting it fearlessly. Completion is glory but even falling to death in the pursuance is brilliantly scintillating. By being born in this maze, we are condemned till the eternity of our lives. But its not that we are ever condemned just for the sake of it, to be condemned. The freedom that is inevitably and inextricably tied to this condemnation, rather gilds the condemnation, often loses its sheen in the 'business' of life. Freedom is the yoke of human condition and it feeds on the best that each one of us has to offer, nothing short of the best can sustain it. Death of course is inevitable and so is pain that accompanies man in life but freedom always has a knack of shining through the futility, is at all times welcoming with its accouterments of metaphors, signals and signs, whether we are prepared or languishing in our tepid, despondent languor is another matter.
This morning near the bus stop by a tree a dead cat said hello to me. There he was, he too had gone into winter with a wham. He looked as if he’d been flying high until he was brought down. I’ve never seen such a lively-looking dead cat.
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A grey stripy tom he was with a head like a Roman senator, one eye open, one eye shut. His whole corpse seemed expressive of the WHAM! when his life met his death. He looked as if he’d been one hundred per cent alive until the lorry closed his account in the flower of his tomcathood and his mortal remains were cheerful rather than depressing. To live with a yowl and die with a WHAM!
The cajoling metaphors can be the turtles that simultaneously piqued William G. and Neaera H. Sea-turtles, eternally attuned, to the lengthy sea journeys stretching over thousands of miles of dark, deep seas and not to the zoo aquariums they belong. The improbable thought of re-installing them back to their original homes, suddenly assumes willful yet involuntary exigency and re-defines the future lives of reluctantly enthusiastic protagonists.
Then it doesn’t seem hard to believe. It seems the only way to do it, the only way in fact to be: swimming, swimming, the eye held by the sun, no sharks in the mind, nothing in the mind. And when they can’t see the sun, what then? Their vision isn’t good enough for star sights. Do they go by smell, taste, faith?
In a single moment of brilliant surprise, a symbol expresses itself and initiates its beholders into concretely real action, a subtle tumult that potentially extricates the two freckled souls from the throes of rusted pasts and into the intuitive brilliance, that is now. To fearlessly ‘hope’ for nothing and yet being conscious to everything. Nothing sensational happens that transforms everything in one sway but sure streaks of energy and freshness, of novel agility are felt in the very same common place lives that they previously led.
Something very slowly, very dimly has been working in my mind and now is clear to me: there are no incidences, there are only coincidences.
Finally, freedom is felt even in the presence of trenchant condemnation whose acerbic grip is loosened. The very conundrum of hum-drum life that they traversed in, didn’t seem bothersome and taxing any longer. It was all the same but the change was inside them and they just did not care any more. Any of this cannot be explained or deciphered mathematically in any greater detail but can only be marveled at in surprised awe. And it must remain so if it has to retain its power as a symbol.
Camden Town is the windiest tube station I know. Coming up on the escalator with my hair flying I felt as if I was coming out of a dark place and into the light, then I laughed because that’s what I was actually doing.
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Nothing was different or better and I didn’t think I was either but I didn’t mind being alive at the moment. After all who knew what might happen?
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Between now and then were all kinds of minutes, all of them good. Who knew what might happen at the typewriter? Before going up to the flat I went into the square, played hop-scotch in it just as it was, with no fountain.
Nothing changes or leaves its place, only we forget it. Life beats us all, or we get beaten by it, I feel there is a choice with us. When we are not afraid to leave it with a WHAM, we can never allow ourselves be undone or out-done by the condemnation to life. Irrespective of our situations, the will and zeal cannot be sedated unless we let the rot to set in. Not ever at the cost of turning into insensitive brutes, fearlessly yet consciously sensitively dealing with pain and suffering, there is always that trail in the wood that leads us out of it. Guided by the metaphors, we can always find our way out. They are always there, only patiently tranquil steps can guide us to them.
‘But with people you never know straightaway what does what. Maybe launching them did launch you but you don’t know it yet.’
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I was waiting for something now and the waiting was pleasant. I was waiting for the self inside me to come forward to the boundaries from which it had long ago withdrawn. Life would be less quiet and more dangerous, life is risky on the borders. Gillian Vole and Delia Swallow live in safer places. Come, I said to the self inside me. Come out and take your chance. After staring at the blank paper for a very long time I wrote: The fountain in the square isn’t there. Well, I thought, it’s not much but it’s a beginning.
If life is a meaningless exercise in futility, its not only that. If life is all cozy and comfortable journey through a utopian garden of ephemeral and brilliant resplendence, one must only be foolish to presume that. If life is all spirituality and depth, then we must all have been born saints to survive a single day in here. Life is all of them combined and at the same time, nothing from among them best describes it, its something entirely different. Our lexicon has supplied us with a word, ‘Enigma’ and there is nothing more worthy to honor this word by eschewing its very essence. It’s okay to feel burdened in this hub-bub called life but resilience is better than slavery to hopeless desolateness. The human condition wherein we reside, the quest for all answers may stall the very human movement that we are obliged to espouse. The symbols are all there if only we let for once our egotism wither away and not block our inquisitive selves and intrigue doesn’t die. Perhaps, for once, we don’t let it to.
The turtles would be swimming, swimming. It had been a good thing to do and not a foolish one. Thinking about the turtles I could feel the action of their swimming, the muscle contractions that drove the flippers through the green water. All they had was themselves but they would keep going until they found what was in them to find. In them was the place they were swimming to, and at the end of their swimming it would loom up out of the sea, real, solid, no illusion. They could be stopped of course, they might be killed by sharks or fishermen but they would die on the way to where they wanted to be. I’d never know if they’d got there or not, for me they would always be swimming.
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They could be stopped of course, they might be killed by sharks or fishermen but they would die on the way to where they wanted to be. I’d never know if they’d got there or not, for me they would always be swimming. I was in my ocean, this was the only ocean there was for me, the dry streets of London and my square without a fountain. No one could make me freer by putting me somewhere else. I had as much as the turtles: myself. At least I too could die on the way to where I wanted to be.
Nevertheless, metaphors adorn the journeys that we undertake like nothing else. They embellish the very canvas of life with their majestic splendor like guiding stars. And there awareness is as much entrenched inside us as much as we are human. It’s the veneer of doubt and defeat which spreads its tentacles over our conscious best and at times its spread is complete. Although fortuitously do they re-appear but they never left us in the first place. But in their mystery and sudden appearance and catching us unawares lies their defining beauties and perhaps that is also how it should remain always.
It doesn’t take much to decipher the power of a symbol that adorns our existence. GR – despite the current hiccup and hopeless uncertainty of potentially losing it, is a trough holding the elixir of sustenance, at least for my despondent soul. In-describable and Un-definable precisely, as every metaphor but amenable to easy revelation to those who feel it. Feeling more close to the denizens of GR and distant to the meaninglessness of confusing bashings of life, aloof to the world that is, is the sanest thing to do in the presence of this symbol. The strength gained shall be lasting, self-sustaining and propagating, is what I believe in with all my might.
The moment a symbol enters the realm of our beings and captures our imagination, it is given a new life of its own which can be entirely original and distinct from its previous identity or at least it accrues additional massive meanings. The reality is nothing but actually only our own version of perceptions of the very same things, potentially differently envisioned in other’s eyes. Even truth is seldom absolute, its rather our very own version of it. The point that I am driving at is the utter vacuousness of freckles that bound us at the behest of these ‘realities’, ‘truths’ and the ghosts of past. The blinking visions when we experience our perfect releases from the chains of time, of space, of mind, of traditions, customs, religion, gender, ideology… how beautiful to envision its sustenance, eternal sustenance; ultimate freedom from all which brings us even microscopically closer to the dungeon. Release, Break-Free, Radicalize! Let’s imagine the Sisyphus happy…..
“The struggle itself towards the heights is enough to fill a man’s heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy.”
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Oh yes, I thought, feeling something good just round the corner of my mind: just be all the way in it and you’re all right. Just let go of everything like a falling star. The far-away ones, when you see their light it’s already happened millions of years ago. This too, my brief light, maybe it had flashed across the darkness long long ago. Not my light, just a light. Now I was the one to be it, to flash across the darkness with it. Somebody else’s turn next. Nothing to be selfish about, be it while it’s you and then let go.