“I wish I had understood what you endured back then, how much you sacrificed. I wish I had learned to reserve judgement. Dear Mama, I begin. Maybe this way I can reach you at last.”
This short story is a heartbreaking letter to our second-generation Palestinian-American immigrant main character’s estranged mother. Rum does an excellent job showing this war that our main character faces between the expectations that come with growing up in as a second-generation immigrant in a religious, conservative household and her dreams that don’t necessarily align with the lifestyle everyone wants for her.
“What do you mean, all that had been done? I can hear you say now, your voice trembling. You make it sound like you were tortured, like I was some sort of monster. I gave you everything I had, sacrificed my life for you.”
A lot of this letter is about the trauma that came from her upbringing, specifically from her mother, but a lot of it also shows this understanding and forgiveness she feels towards her mother. While she is critical of her mother, she also understands her and recognizes that her mother was killing herself to give her children the best life she thought she could have. Tears were shed as I listened to our main character reminisce on her relationship with her mother and finally find it in her to forgive and understand her while still understanding the trauma that came from her.
“I had ideas about motherhood. Mostly based on my relationship with you. I was afraid I would hurt my little girl, that I wouldn’t be good enough for her. I was afraid she would see all the ugliness you saw in me. But what if I was better? What if I did things differently?”
A major focus of this book is generational trauma, specifically in immigrant families. Rum does a fantastic job portraying the cycle of generational trauma and how hard it is to break that cycle, no matter how hard you try. The glimpses we get of the main character with her daughter are not always pretty. They’re raw and highlight the fears that have been hammered into our main character’s heart. What if she turns out like her mother? What if her mother was right and her daughter hates her? While the end is hopeful, it is not complete, showing the amount of work you have to keep putting in to break that cycle.
“I want to continue, want to shed my guilt and let go of old grievances, want to bridge the miles and years between us. But my flight is boarding now and I have to go.”
I’ve been looking to pick up some of Etaf Rum’s works for a while now, so when I saw this 50 page novella from Amazon’s “Good Intentions” collection I had to grab it. This sad yet hopeful look at motherhood made me increasingly excited to check out Etaf Rum’s full length works and to continue this collection of short stories.