Don'ts for Wives

by Blanche Ebbutt

Don'ts for Husbands and Don'ts for Wives are facsimile editions of the original books published by A&C Black in 1913. Each pocket-sized book contains hundreds of snippets of entertaining advice for a happy marriage, which rings true almost 100 years after it was written.

The reissued titles are ideal Christmas stocking fillers, and gifts for weddings, engagements and anniversaries.

Advice appears under the following chapters:
1. Personalities
2. How to Avoid Discord
3. Habits
4. Financial Matters
5. Evenings at Home
6. Jealousy
7. Recreation
8. Food
9. Dress
10. Entertaining
11. Household Management
12. Children

'Among the bon mots there is much wisdom. They would make great stocking fillers, or wedding anniversary gifts!' Good Book Guide (October 2007)

Genres: Nonfiction, Humor, Relationships, Reference, Historical, Self Help, Marriage

73 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 1913

About the author

Blanche Berry born 1866 Hyde, Cheshire.
1881 Pupil-teacher in Hyde (aged 14.)
1891 Married journalist William Arthur Ebbutt in Stockport.
1894 Son Norman born Lambeth, London.
1898 Son Alan born Hornsey, Middlesex.
1901 Resident at Coulsdon, Surrey.
1913 Her two advice manuals were published.
1946 Died in Staines, Middlesex aged 79 years.

Reviews

[Vanessa · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was quite a fun little book. A lot of it is pretty dated, and also geared towards the upper middle class (all that talk of servants and the man working for his wife while she stays at home), but surprisingly there were quite a few points that are still relevant to this day. The book isn't entirely sexist, which truly amazed me! I doubt I'll be taking much advice from it but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't interested in what the Don'ts for Husbands advice is...

[Nurture Waratah · Rating 3 out of 5]

In 1913, women were expected to wear smotheringly hot full length dresses in order to be considered decent. Most women did not work outside of the home, being expected to be happy in their role as wife and mother. In most of the world, women didn’t even have the right to vote. Surely any marital advice given at this time would seem incredibly outdated or, at the very least, charmingly quaint, in the year 2011? It was with this attitude that I first opened the pages of Don’ts For Wives by Blanche Ebbutt. It did not take me long to realise just how wrong I was. While some of the tips are no longer relevant to the average reader – those having to do with how to deal with servants, for example – much of the wisdom within this volume is as relevant today as it was then. I found myself taking note of many pieces of advice, with the intention of attempting to remedy my behaviour within my own marriage.

Much chastened, I moved onto Don’ts for Husbands with a more open mind. Once again, I was surprised at how relevant much of Ms Ebbutt’s advice is to today’s relationships and the progressiveness of some of the points, considering the era in which the book was written.

It is a shame that these books have been so unknown for so long, as I feel that the advice in them is more relevant to a newly married couple than a dozen books of the Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus persuasion. I would venture to go so far as to state that a copy of each of these books should be given to the happy couple as a wedding present (or perhaps a housewarming gift for those in less formal arrangements). Certainly anybody in a permanent relationship should consider reading them. You will be surprised at just how much you are doing wrong.

Advice for Wives
*Don’t interpret too literally the ‘obey’ of the Marriage Service. Your husband has no right to control your individuality.
*Don’t let your husband feel that you are a ‘dear little woman’, but no good intellectually. If you find yourself getting stale, wake up your brain.
*Don’t keep your sweetest smiles and your best manners for outsiders; let your husband come first.
*Don’t grumble because his idea of work differs from yours. If he works hard at anything, let him do it his own way, and be satisfied.
*Don’t refuse to see your husband’s jokes. They may be pretty poor ones, but it won’t hurt you to smile at them.
*Don’t allow yourself to get into the habit of dressing carelessly when there is ‘only’ your husband to see you. Depend upon it he has no use for faded tea-gowns and badly dressed hair, and he abhors the sight of curling pins as much as other men do. He is a man after all, and if his wife does not take the trouble to charm him, there are plenty of other women who will.

Advice for Husbands
*Don’t refuse to get up and investigate in the night if your wife hears an unusual noise, or fancies she smells fire or escaping gas. She will be afraid of shaming you by getting up herself, and will lie awake working herself into a fever. This may be illogical, but it’s true.
*Don’t be surprised, or annoyed, or disappointed, to find, after treating your wife for years as a feather-brain, that you have made her one, and that she fails to rise to the occasion when you need her help.
*Don’t belittle your wife before visitors. You may think it a joke to speak of her little foibles, but she will not easily forgive you.
*Don’t refuse your wife’s overtures when next you meet if you have unfortunately had a bit of a breeze. Remember it costs her something to make them, and if you weren’t a bit of a pig, you would save her the embarrassment by making them yourself.
*Don’t chide your wife in public, whatever you may feel it necessary to do in private. She will not easily forgive you for having witnesses to her discomfiture.
*Don’t call your wife a coward because she is afraid of a spider. Probably in a case of real danger she would prove to be quite as brave as you.

[Ellie · Rating 2 out of 5]

Amusing and insightful at points (particularly near the beginning), but the novelty of some very dated instructions quickly wore off. Whilst it's interesting to have a glimpse into past models of marriage and gender roles, much of this book is just that and little more.

-------------

Two favourite quotes:
- "Don't be troubled because your husband is not an Adonis. Beauty is only skin deep and the cleverest men are rarely the handsomest, judged by ordinary standards." - p.3
- "Don't be discontented and think your husband not 'manly' because he happens to be short and thin, and not very strong. Manliness is not a purely physical quality." - p.5

[Bookfairy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a tiny little book, about 2 x 3" and I expected it to be full of outdated and silly information, with perhaps some household tips that would be useful.

I was surprised to find it has a lot of fairly practical advice for getting along in a partnership--with some sexist views, but not that many overall. It's pretty easy to think of the terms in a broader sense, and it could apply to different types of people rather than "the husband" or "the wife" in the way it's presented.

There are a few amusingly dated items, but again, it isn't the general trend.

[April · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good common sense list of “don’t do this” if you want a happy marriage. Some of it is a bit dated, but overall it’s still relevant. I intend to read the other don’t books by the same author too.

[فاطمة غانم الابراهيم · Rating 4 out of 5]

ليس بالضرورة أن تكوني متزوجة كي تقرأي هذا الكتيب ، فحتى النصائح التى كُتبت يشترك بها معظم الرجال الذين ستصادفينهم في الحياة ، شقيقك ، أو أحد أفراد عائلتك ، وحتى حينما تسدين نصيحه لصديقاتكِ المتزوجات .

الجميل في هذا الكتيب - والذي يندر أن نجده في الكتب الأجنبية - تطابق ماكتب مع مجتمعنا المتناقض عنهم في التقاليد والثقافه، إلا فيما ندر .

مايعجبني أيضاً فيه - وفي معظم الإصدارات الأجنبية - الإعتناء بالجوهر والمظهر على السواء ، فهو مصمم بأناقة وبحجم يسهل وضعه في الحقيبه مهما كان حجمها ، بل حتى أولئك الذين لا يحبون القراءة ستعجبهم الإختصارات ، ومثلما صدر كُتيب للزوجات هنالك للأزواج ، لذا هى فكرة جميله أن تهـدى للمتزوجين حديثاً ، أو من هم ليسوا على وفاق !

[Sara Curley · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book had more advise on respecting partners as equals than I was expecting. As well as Women having their own opinion being a positive trait. Some of it was outdated and other parts just doesn’t apply given the lack of servants and just that fact this book is over 100 years old. Some of the advise made me laugh while other bits were timeless. Definitely interesting to look back at a historical perspective on what were the do’s and don’ts in marriage. Looking forward in seeing how her other book, Don’ts for husbands ends up being. I’m thinking part comical and hoping it is as equal in valuing your partner as this one was.

[Devon · Rating 5 out of 5]

My husband bought this book for me and it’s companion “Don’ts for Husbands” for himself as a surprise. We first saw the books at the Metropolitan Museum of Art gift shop. While some of the advice is out of date, like darning socks and lighting the fireplace in the evening, most are quality tips. I especially liked the reminder to, be the woman he married, in short be yourself. Sometimes it’s good to read a reminder about treating your husband with the same respect you did when you first met. Five stars!

[Val Cuellar · Rating 5 out of 5]

It is a good book, a lot of this are still relevant.

[Christopher Whalen · Rating 4 out of 5]

A delightful little book originally published in 1913. Some of it is dated in a quaint way; but much of it is still good advice for wives and husbands - or anyone in a relationship.

[Warren · Rating 3 out of 5]

So I'm trying to figure out if this is kind of trying to appeal to everyone of varying classes in 1913, but this book makes it seem like the majority of people had maids, cooks, and servants padding around the house constantly. I'm reasonably sure that wasn't the case.

Is there anything applicable in here? Yeah... Treat others the way you want to be treated. There you go.

[Sarah Joynt · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book! Though it was written in 1913, I found the advice and wisdoms to be relevant in present-day. While I think this book is now intended to be more of a conversation piece, something to read and be amused, I also think if more husbands and wives practiced the advice (there is a version for husbands), we could change the whole world. Such a delightful read!

[Simone · Rating 5 out of 5]

Personally, I found this book absolutely delightful and in no small part due to it's size.


The advice in here is practical, to-the-point and oozing with servant attitude.
If you're the kind of wife that loves keeping house and serving their husbands, this little gem is a must-have.

[Librarian Jessie (BibliophileRoses) · Rating 2 out of 5]

Some of the points are useful and rememberable, such as “never let the sun go down on your anger.” Others were just flat out humorous including not allowing your husband to save his lead pencils on the drawing-room floor.

[Courtney Vinck · Rating 4 out of 5]

Adorable snap shot in time landing in the peak of the women’s suffrage moment and right before ww1. Surprisingly feminist advice for the era which I found delightful. Excited to add this to my tiny books collection.

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was written in 1913 and as of today is 110 years old! Although it is pretty old fashioned, I feel that the advice is quite progressive for its time.

I rated this book 5 stars since there were more tips that were helpful than outdated in this book. I don’t think this book is for everyone but it had lots of great ideas! 💡

[Thikrayat Al-aradi · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not what I expected, it was a very informative book and almost all of the things mentioned can be applied in our time which was impressive. Very recommend

[grayce · Rating 2 out of 5]

sexist. some lovely financial advice though!

[SHR · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thoroughly enjoyed this dive into social history. It is dated, but that is part of what I liked about it. It is interesting to see how things have changed in terms of gender roles and societal expectations. Some of the advice is still relevant, with a lot of it boiling down to "treat your partner with respect."

[SmarterLilac · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not as funny as its counterpart, Don'ts for Husbands, but offers up some laughs. Also offers some tips that feel surprisingly relevant for modern wives.

'Don't have any secrets from your husband in financial matters. Complete confidence is best.'

'Don't pile up money for your children. Give them the best education possible, and let them make their own way.'

'Don't be talked down to by your husband on any subject. You have a right to be heard.'

'Don't cease to be lovers because you are married. There is no need for the honeymoon to come to an end while you live.'

'Don't refuse to take an interest in your husband's hobbies, but don't let him leave all the tiresome part of the work to you. If he loves to keep chickens, let him get up half and hour earlier in the morning to feed them.'

[rhea · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is hysterical and sad all at the same time. I found this at a bookfair for $0.50 and I had to get it.

[Hatoon Saiedi · Rating 5 out of 5]

بجد كتيب صغير لكن بنصائحه كبير ... تعلمت منه حاجات وإن شاء الله استفيد منها في حياتي بعد زواجي :)

[Ruth Paszkiewicz · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some dated, some hilarious and other oddly relevant, we are now looking into buying a motorbike and sidecar...

[Rosemarie · Rating 3 out of 5]

cute! some pretty important tips for being anyone's partner, or chum, as Blanche calls it. old fashioned, but not mysogenistic.

[Collin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Don’ts for Wives is a short guide book written by Blanche Ebbutt about setting social expectations and tips for women when interacting with their husbands published in 1913. While this is over a century behind us, there is quite a bit of good advice here. After all, men and women of 100 years ago just aren’t all that different then we are now so we really shouldn’t be surprised by this - even if we are.

Some of the better advice can be largely grouped into - I think - three categories which I’d have considered the most valuable lessons if I dated at all.


1. Get out of your head and consider what he wants, thinks.
With all the pushing of empathy as some form of modern moral virtue, you’d think it wouldn’t be necessary to drill this into women’s heads but the lessons of this past and present clearly show this modern virtue is not sinking in. Acting in the best interests of the husband/boyfriend that you care about should be an automatic behavior. The worst offence in this would be nagging; nobody should tolerate nagging since it’s clear verbal abuse.

“Don’t expect your husband to have all the feminine virtues as well as all the masculine ones. There would be nothing left for you if your other half were such a paragon.”

“Don’t advise your husband on subjects of which you are, if anything, rather more ignorant than he.”

“Don’t expect a man to see everything from a woman’s point of view. Try to put yourself in his place for a change.”

“Don’t say, ‘I told you so,’ to your husband, however much you feel tempted to. It does no good, and he will be grateful to you for not saying it.”

“Don’t expect your husband to make you happy while you are simply a passive agent. Do your best to make him happy and you will find happiness yourself.”

“Don’t argue with a stubborn husband. Drop the matter before argument leads to temper. You can generally gain your point in some other way.”

“Don’t nag your husband. If he won’t carry out your wishes for love of you, he certainly won’t because you nag him.”


2. A man is not a tool for you; they’re a person and you should let them be.
Dating someone because of who they are is fine; it’s the reason you’re actually dating them. But it’s not fine to show up and then attempt to force them into your life under imaginary expectations about how they’ll serve you in your life. They are not a role in a drama show you’ve imagined yourself into; They are not a servant you command to solve problems; they are not a savior to bail you out of your mistakes. They’re a person with goals and dreams and hobbies and emotions and expectations.

“Don’t be surprised, if you have married for money, or position, or fame, that you get only money, or position, or fame; love cannot be bought.”

“Don’t expect all the ‘give’ to be on his side, and all the ‘take’ on yours.”

“Don’t be everlastingly trying to change your husband’s habits, unless they are very bad ones. Take him as you find him, and leave him at peace.”

“Don’t hesitate to inconvenience yourself to give him a den all his own. He’s really a good fellow, and a lot of his worries will melt away if he has a place to himself for a while.”

“Don’t be satisfied to let your husband work overtime to earn money for frocks for you. Manage with fewer frocks.”


3. Criticism is meant for each other and nobody else.
Crossing this line is about inflicting social shame on someone to bully them.
Everything else is a lie.
Don’t do this.

“Don’t tell all your women friends of your husband’s faults, but— Don’t din his perfections into the ears of every woman you meet. Be satisfied to enjoy them.”

“Don’t let your husband feel that you are always criticising everything he does. Leave the role of critic to others.”

“Don’t snub your husband. Nothing is more unpleasant for lookers-on than to hear a snub administered by a wife, and it is more than unpleasant for the husband; it is degrading.”

[Christina Pauze (is in a reading slump) · Rating 3 out of 5]

I may expand on this review later I'm not sure. I found this book very interesting to read as a secular book of the early 20th century. Since the norm of that time was for the majority conservative there was a lot of Sound Advice that followed biblical teachings but my first reminder that this was not a Christian book and again a secular book was when there was a quote from the Bible which was do not let the sun go down on your anger was referred to as a quote good life motto. Obviously I kind of just rolled my eyes and continued on I wasn't too bothered by it because this doesn't claim to be a Christian book I was just interested in Reading earlier books of the time that gave advice for wives because I enjoy this timeline of literature. But even though there were a lot of moments that gave just great advice on the don'ts for wives which was also encouraging because it did teach about not allowing yourself to be run over by men in general. And I don't mean that in a radical feminist way I just mean in general being treated as a human being while also simultaneously submitting to your husband in that healthy way that God intended, there are still small Timbits of advice that showed more of that secular view like it's healthy for you to vent as a woman and go gossiping around with your friends while also the book saying not to speak poorly of your husband a few sentences before that comment. Obviously encouraging you to go around and gossip and things like that isn't good advice at all so little examples like that were things to be aware of. There was also just a Bittersweet moment of this book basically just being a list without further explanation it was basically a short rule book and that was it so you really have to be someone who has a sound mind to actually take the advice and know what the author means with each point which is why I only gave this three stars but I still would like to go through it and try to find Bible verses that support or go against each of these points just as a general principle because I did think that this was a lot of really good advice that a lot of women should take into consideration even if they aren't married I think it's a really good idea to look at what it really means to be a wife because it is a lot of work and a lot of dedication and selflessness on both ends. I also really enjoyed that near the end she talks about not always being one with the times and terms of going with all of the trends for different dresses and garments especially if you couldn't afford it and I really like to advice on entertainment and partying because I think that a lot of the time now we think we have to spend a bunch of money that we don't have to entertain our guests when that's obviously not the case so I thought that was very unique advice that we don't see enough of these days so I would definitely give this a read but also just read with a critical mind.

[Holly Campbell-Smith · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was quite surprised at this book. It was originally passed to me on an inappropriate moment during an debate with my husband. He'd chosen that moment to be the best time to present it to me instead of his original comic timing on Valentine's Day as a joke. I would have laughed on that day but unfortunately he found the book flung passed him two months later when he remembered to give it to me after our disagreement.

Awhile later I found the book again while cleaning the house and decided to flick through expecting to find an "obedient" wife spew. Paving the way for the dominant man. Stepford washing kind of writing. What I found was quite the opposite. The "don'ts" were quite modern for 1913. Most of which a wife could still comfortably live by and work with in a marriage. Like:

"Don't interpret too literally the 'obey' of the marriage service. Your husband has no right to control your individuality."

I found the book strangely refreshing and thought of how it most likely helped many a woman in the 1910s and beyond. I promptly looked up to see if Blanche had written anymore "don't" books and found the 'Don'ts for husbands' which I ordered, read and later presented to my husband unexpectedly while he was sitting on the couch. He laughed and we enjoyed conversing over the little quips in the book about him "sharpening his pencils all over my drawing room" and wondering if we were missing out by not having a maid.

I would recommend reading both. They have some great morals and good for a little laugh together.

[mildred_reads · Rating 1 out of 5]

1.5 ⭐️ A short collection of expectations for wives set in the 20th century. While many “tips” feel outdated for today’s marriage standards (or at least I hope!), the book gave me some insights into past social norms. However, sprinkled throughout there were some parts that felt somewhat progressive for the times such as “Don’t interpret too literally the “obey”of Marriage Service. Your husband has no right to control your individuality” and “Don’t be talked down to by your husband when you express your views on any subject. You have a right to be heard.” which was a nice surprise.

My favourite bit of advice was “… Don’t forget to have books in every room” I wholeheartedly agree with! Some parts were amusing…if you didn’t think to much about the fact that this was actually expected in that period of time.

However, other rules left me cringing, especially those where the emotional burden of the marriage was put on the role of wife alone. Advice such as “Don’t be too serious and heavy at home. Make things bright for your husband” and “Don’t talk to your husband about anything of a worrying nature until he has finished his evening meal” suggests that a woman’s role was to manage not only the household but also her husband’s emotional comfort. UGH!

[Jim Thompson · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm glad I read "Don't for Husbands" first. Had I only read this I probably would have thought it terribly sexist and demeaning and such. Having read the other volume first, I sort of find this sweet. Dated, for sure. It was written in 1913 in London, and so there are a lot of (fair for the time and place) assumptions about the various roles of the husband and the wife and the children and so on.

But it's sort of sweet that most of the bits of advice have their counterparts in the other book. Here, we have the author telling women not to nag their husbands about ashing their cigars on the carpet, to instead just put out ashtrays as reminders. In the other book, she tells the men to stop ashing all over the carpets and consider that their wives are not their maids. She tells the women to stop being jealous of the husband's female friends; she tells the husbands to not throw a fit when the wife goes out with male friends.

It's just sort of a cute set of (yes, dated) advice on communication and acceptance and living as a couple. I bought it at a little gift store intending to read it and laugh and make fun of the old-fashioned silliness, but I actually enjoyed it.

[Emily · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was so ready to read this book and get enraged about the patriarchy. But the majority of this book contained sound advice and was still very applicable. It was published in 1913, so of course some of the things were outdated. But I was pleasantly surprised at how a lot of the main points transcended time.

I feel like the central themes were to not expect eternal happiness just because you are married, to always view your husband with tremendous patience and understanding, and to lead a fulfilling life of your own outside of your husband.

There was also a good deal of humor in this book which amused me. One part compared men to grown children and advised wives to manage their husbands accordingly (but to never let on that you are managing them). That produced quite a chuckle.

This was a cute, short little book that I felt was certainly worth my time. Thanks for the gift Andy!