No Regrets Parenting: Turning Long Days and Short Years into Cherished Moments with Your Kids

by Harley A. Rotbart

No Regrets Parenting is a book for busy parents in our busy times. Many parents find the challenges of being all things to all people daunting. How to do it all? How to stay sane while trying to do it all?No Regrets Parenting teaches parents to experience the joy and depth of the parenting experience amidst the chaos and choreography of daily routines. Car pool, bath time, soccer practice, homework, dinner hour, and sleepovers all become more than just hurdles to overcome to get through the day. They are opportunities for intimate and meaningful time with young kids. It's not how much time you have with your kids, but how you spend that time that matters in the life and legacy of a young family. No Regrets Parenting helps parents find the time to do it all and feel good about their kids' childhood.

There is a simple, single truth for every parent. Your kids need you to be there. They need to see who you are and how you live your life. And, in return, they will help you to better see who you are and how you should be living your life. No Regrets Parenting is about time. Finding enough of it and making the most of it.

"My office is littered with parenting books... The books, as abundant as they are, aren't helping... But Dr. Rotbart's No Regrets Parenting is something special." --KJ Dell'Antonia, New York Times

"I'm making a point of holding hands with my kids more often, ever since I read Dr. Harley Rotbart's new book... Dr. Rotbart made me realize I shouldn't count the minutes, but the moments... Dr. Rotbart's book turned my head around." --Dana Points, Editor-in-Chief, Parents magazine

"Time passes all too fast, and when the kids do leave home, readers who followed Rotbart's blueprint will greet their children's departure with satisfaction of a job well done." --Publisher's Weekly

"Puts the control back in the parent's hands, by focusing on the time a parent does have with children, instead of focusing on the time that the parent doesn't have...feels like a knowledgeable friend sharing their own insight." --Cara Lemieux, ABC News

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Book Club

232 pages, Paperback

First published February 21, 2012

About the author

Dr. Harley Rotbart is a nationally-recognized parenting expert, pediatrician, speaker, and educator. He serves on the Advisory Boards of Parents Magazine and Parents.com, and previously was a member of the Advisory Board of Children’s Health Magazine. He regularly speaks to large national audiences of parents, school, and youth sports organizations, as well as to community groups around the country. Dr. Rotbart also speaks widely to national professional organizations of physicians, nurses, and allied health professionals.

Reviews

[Ciara · Rating 2 out of 5]

the good thing about this book was that each "chapter" was only a page or two long. this is a good fit for parents, who often only have a few minutes to steal away for pleasure reading before their kid decides to crawl underneath the coffee table & try to sit up for the TEN MILLIONTH TIME that hour, hence bumping their head & crying.

a lot of the ideas in this book are specific to families with older children, so i won't comment on their efficacy. but there were some okay tips for parents like me, who have babies. there were some things we were already doing, without realizing that we were doing anything special, & some other things that made me think, "i would like to try that." of course, now i can't think of a single example, & i have returned the book to the library. i guess i am doomed to a life of regretful parenting.

okay, the bad. as other reviewers have said, the first third or so of the book is just basically a long advertisement for the rest of the book. it's like, "are you busy? frazzled? sometimes overwhelmed? with our special patent-protected No Regrets Parenting system, you too can create treasured childhood memories for your son or daughter!" "no regrets parenting" is seriously capitalized like that throughout the book. maybe even bolded at times. like, dude, i am already reading your book. you can chill out on the branding a little.

i also got super-confused as the book progressed because he starts dropping more & more smileys & emoticons into the text. it's like he started the book thinking it would be the script to an infomercial. then he decided it would be a book & he got kind of serious about it. & then he was like, "fuck it," & wrote the rest via text message.

& some of the tips assume that the parent hoping to free him/herself of regrets is 150 years old, minimum. like maybe it's a book for turtle parents, who have long life spans? there are all these tips for keeping in touch with your older child via text message & it's like, "when your kid writes 'K', that means 'okay'." come on, dude. i'm over the age of 30, but i was born at some point after world war two. give me some credit. i just kept thinking about him showing his manuscript to his kids & them being like, "wow, great job, dad!" & then making fun of him to their friends while huffing glue or taking adderall recreationally or whatever the kids are doing these days.

[Abby Lyn · Rating 3 out of 5]

Wanna make a parent cry? Tell him or her this factoid from "No Regrets Parenting": There are only 940 Saturdays between a child's birth and her leaving for college...if your child is five years old, 260 Saturdays are already gone. Gone! It really puts into perspective that old parenting saying that the days are long, but the years are short. Rotbart, a pediatrican, has compiled a series of short essays (explicitly geared toward short spurts of bathroom reading) with advice on how to maximize that limited time you have with your children, from getting the most out of carpool rides to surprise nighttime walks around the neighborhood in PJs. The idea is to move beyond the standard "quality time" (often scheduled "big" activities like trips to the zoo) to everyday encounters, so that your child gets to know the real you, as you maximize and make more meaningful your time with them. Some of his advice is just common sense, but he does also have some creative suggestions here. 3.5 stars.

[Amy · Rating 3 out of 5]

While reading this book, I kept thinking of the type of parent who would also read it. Every time I asked myself this question, the answer was parents who are already parenting the way he suggests. Very few readers will get an "aha" moment while reading this book. The book focuses on common sense ways to spend time with your children in a richer way. Although there were no major take-aways for me as a parent, I did like many of the suggested activities, particularly that focused on teenagers and college students, who are often overlooked in general parenting books. If you are looking for some new ideas for your family, check this book out at the library.

[Natalye · Rating 2 out of 5]

Overall the information in this book is pretty good, though some tips (like returning pets to shelters if your kid doesn't care for them) are terrible. Also the suggestions for what to text to your kids are so off base I couldn't help but laugh (seriously, it sometimes felt like Rotbart was writing this book for grandparents). My main complaint is that it was super boring to read. The chapters were short, thankfully, but the writing was bland. I do take it as a good sign that most of these things I already sort of planned on doing, thanks in large part to the way I was raised, so good job raising me mom and dad. But I also think this book is full of a lot of common sense, at least for parents who really are concerned with developing a loving, trusting relationship with their kids.

[Laura · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was a pamphlet's worth of actual information, do things with your kids, make time for them, and talk to them. The same idea was repeated over and over again. Maybe if you are so completely cut off from your kids that you barely interact with them this book could be a revelation.

[Hilary · Rating 2 out of 5]

Reads more like a blog than a book. Each "chapter" is only 2-3 pages long. Half the first part is spent telling you about the great and wonderful techniques you'll learn in the second part, but that doesn't help me while I'm reading part 1. Unlike other parenting books, where they say "Don't do X" and follow it with "Do Y instead", this one just says "Don't do X" and implies you might learn more in the second half of the book. Which you don't. All the suggestions were blindingly obvious (do overflow work while young children are asleep in the evening or teenagers are asleep in the morning, involve them with household chores).

And I really, really don't agree with books which (correctly) point out that children may promise to do everything if you get a pet and rarely follow through, and then say or suggest you take the pet back if they don't. Pets are a lifetime commitment, not a toy you can return to the store, and ultimately parents are the ones taking the responsibility.

I think the only positive thing I took away is the nice suggestion of "pajama walks".

The flip side: although I agree with making the most of the limited time you have with your children, that doesn't mean they have to be attached to you. Give them 5 minutes alone at the bus stop, let them stay overnight at camp (it's really not the same as daycamp), and if you love your children, do not even think about going to their college advising meetings unless the adviser suggests it!

[Xin · Rating 5 out of 5]

I like this book. The chapters are short, the points are concise. As a foreigner, my childhood experience is somewhat different from the book. I would say this book is more catered towards middle class white children. However, as globalization becomes more of a reality, my friends in China are actually learning to raise their children the same way. While I think that we shouldn't lose what our culture has to offer, learning about "mainstream" culture shouldn't be rejected either. The overarching difference in Western culture is focus on independence. Of course like all things, there should be a balance. I haven't yet decided where that balance is for me, and the clock is ticking.

I hate to admit, I did sneak peak at others' reviews, just curious why other people give such low ratings to this book. The main criticism can be summarized as the book is too common sense, and for parents who are sensible enough to care about their children, they probably are already doing these things. I beg to differ. Research has shown that we are actually bad at "common sense," and we think we are good at it because we are biased by hindsight. I admire the author for putting every bit of sensible parenting tips together as a useful reminder for parents who care.

Lastly, on an emotional level. This book is a good reminder that parenting is the greatest joy in this world. Cherish every moment of it and don't ever treat it as a chore, because when your children grow up, you will miss it, but never have it again.

[Vanessa · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is not THE definitive parenting book, but that was exactly what I liked about it. Normally I want some research data to back up the claims made in parenting books, but the author is a pediatrician who is simply offering some suggestions for ways to make the most of the limited time we have with our children. His ideas could be incorporated into anyone's family life, regardless of their personal parenting philosophy. Parenting books tend to come with a healthy dose of guilt, but this one actually made me feel like I might be doing something right, while still offering some specific ways to improve. It's not a heavy read, and it isn't meant to be. With busy parents in mind, each chapter/topic is only one or two pages...perfect for reading while you wait in the carpool line. I read a lot of negative reviews about this book on Goodreads, and frankly, I don't get it. So it's not life-changing, revelatory, or maybe you don't like 100% of his suggestions...that's ok. There are still a lot of good ideas here.

[Kirsti Call · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is a great reminder of how to build good relationships with your kids. It's easy to read, practical and helpful. My favorite quote:
"Be the kind of person you hope your kids will become. And then spend enough time with them that they learn how to become that person."

[Colleen · Rating 2 out of 5]

It was OK. I think I'm doing all right.

[Elizabeth]

As seen in the New York Times .

[Susan · Rating 2 out of 5]

I won't say that there aren't a couple useful tips in here (I think the caution about over scheduling kids is, of anything, even more true now), but in today's world parents/caregivers like everyone else are really looking for "hacks" more than just tips. Undiscovered gems, surprising tricks--and most importantly all of these have the underlying acknowledgement that we are doing something challenging. Rotbart's confident, occasionally bordering on smug advice isn't surprising or innovative and feels like it is based on a lot of assumptions.

You feel its age (2012 copyright) on every page. The reference to "Where do the Eskimos live?" in a passage talking about playing geography games, the joke to parents to Googles what it means to follow someone on Twitter if they don't know, the supremely cringe breakdown of texting abbreviations, the emphasis on being well-rounded despite the utter absence of any meaningful conversation on privilege or having any responsibility for promoting equity and inclusion at home and in parenting.

And there's lots of privileged assumptions here. The luxury of having a job that allows for flexible scheduling or time to work from home where you might have a home office or could even have the option to drive for carpool. The luxury of being able to take family vacations, the privilege to assume college is an option for all kids. He also mildly bashes the "It takes a village" idea even though for single parents, families with financial insecurity, families with kids who have additional health or mental support needs the concept of a network is crucial. Not to mention all the cultures where this is a huge asset and part of their background. Considering though he mentions "blindness" on the same level as homelessness and cancer at one point there may be a certain amount of ableism at play as well.

To be fair, things have changed a lot since 2012. Maybe this was more relevant in its time, but I think today's parents have better options.

[Stephen · Rating 3 out of 5]

The blurb on the back cover screamed: "Time-Management Magic for Stressed-Out Parents", which is a bit of a hyperbole because much of it is common sense, not magic.

Still, if you're looking for a book with bite-sized tips on how to create shared moments out of fleeting minutes with your kids, this might be right up your alley.

As the author puts it, the book is not written to be read from cover to cover. Most of the chapters are short. Some of them barely stretch to one page and not all "chapters" are relevant to your particular situation or locale.

If possible, try not to skip Part 1, which lays out the basic principles of No Regrets Parenting. The book doesn't deal much with particular parenting philosophies. Instead, it is primarily about time - finding enough of it and making the most of it.

Before you rush to cancel all your personal and business engagements, the author reminds us that we don't have to be superhuman to manage our time with our kids. There will always be minutes you can't spare, times when you are too busy, and moments that are lost to the realities of life despite your best efforts. We just need to set the right priorities and avoid the guilt trip when circumstances are beyond our control.

The author also cautions against using the book as an inflexible instruction manual for your lives because this will simply drive you and your kids up a wall.

[Jaden · Rating 3 out of 5]

I agree with the general concepts in this book wholeheartedly, and I appreciated many of his ideas and his thinking on how to spend quality time with your children in new and different ways. I think there is lots of good advice to be found here.

However, the tone of the book, particularly toward the beginning, came off a bit presumptuous and judgmental to me. I felt like the author made some not so subtle assumptions about the makeup of families (talking a lot about Dad and Mom together but not at all about single Mom or Dad or how THEY might juggle these aspirations... let alone Mom and Mom or Dad and Dad) and that stuck out. Additionally, I started to feel towards the end like the book was a bit repetitive- almost as if the author was running out of content but wanted to extend the novel.

Overall, this was a good read, but not as good as I had hoped or expected.

[Yamato · Rating 3 out of 5]

Early on in the book, there is a great summary of what the rest of the book is. Minutes vs moments.

"Imagine standing in the physical space with your kids all grown up and have left home. Imagine how empty the room or place might feel. Come back to the present and enjoy the moments, never to be reproduced. Precious!!"

The rest of the book are helpful little hints to enjoy every aspect of the kids growing up. Challenging me as a parent to think of every way to enjoy the moments with kids and not see it as a task or chore.
Simple strategies on scheduling, sleep time, school, work, home, food, getting there (enjoying transportation time), entertainment, play, outdoors, communication, spirit/soul, college and beyond.

Every aspect of the kids lives can be turned into cherished moments.

One great reminder was to create time to have one on one time with each child. They all want to feel special in their own ways, so it is important to create that time.

[Nina · Rating 3 out of 5]

It had literally taken me 3 1/2 years to read this book, but the short 1-3 page chapters were really helpful in allowing me to read it in short bursts. There is a lot of helpful information and great ideas for parents of kids of all ages, even up through college. We all want to spend time with our kids and I felt like this gave me a smattering of ideas to use throughout our parenting journey.

[Rebecca Trent · Rating 3 out of 5]

A few interesting tidbits. Love the short chapters and the cut to the chase no beating around the bush format. My main displeasure in this book was that it consists of a lot of obvious things that didn't really need to be written down somewhere.

[Faroni · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this parenting book. The chapters were bite-sized and not overwhelming. If you want to truly cherish every moment with your child this is a great book with lots of ideas and reminders on how to accomplish just that.

[Jason Frasca · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed this brief listen. Nothing mentioned was earthshaking for me, but I appreciate the recommendations on ways to be creative and focus on time with children, such as the "double dipping" mentality. I love the references to mindfulness and present moment centering.

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

Didn't love the tone at the beginning - a little stressful and guilt-inducing. But the suggestions in the second half of the book were good.

[Robin · Rating 3 out of 5]

some really good ideas in here, too... but also parts that feel very dated, especially for a book that's only 6 years old.

[Yamileth · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book list some ideas to put in practice to create good relations with your children,but is not deep.

[Jeff · Rating 2 out of 5]

2020

[Heather Gray · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book was written from a place of serious privilege and recommends withholding food from children to get information from them.

[Adam Mildenberger · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars

[Ivana S.A. · Rating 4 out of 5]

A nice point of the importance of time we spend with our children and the quality of it.
let's make it memorable and connect more!

[Becki · Rating 3 out of 5]

I came across this book in a round-about way. Dr. Rotbart’s more recent book was mentioned in a magazine (probably Parents). That one wasn’t available at my library, but this one was. It sounded interesting, so I requested it.

I have 11 and 14-year-old step-daughters who have been part of my life since they were three and five. Additionally, I now have my own 17 month old son and another on her way. The fact that the days are long but the years are short is something I am intimately familiar with. Along with the feeling that there still aren’t enough hours in those long days and that I am missing critical moments and interactions with my kiddos. I am smack in the middle of Dr. Rotbart’s target audience.

I will start with the opinion that I could have done without all of Part 1. It was fairly common sense and kind of boring. But Part 2 of the book absolutely made up for that.

I love practical. I love books that aren’t just theory but give the reader a “to do” list of sorts. That is Part 2 of this book. It is broken into categories of life (sleep, school, work, home, entertainment) and how to include your kids more into the every day (or to insert yourself more into their every day). There were suggestions I could implement the day I read it. Some to put on the calendar in the coming week or so. And some to keep in mind for the future.

The chapters are short. In fact, Dr. Rotbart suggests you keep the book in the bathroom to read a chapter during your daily trips there (See…practical!). So it is easy for a busy parent to get through the reading. It is also ideal to keep on your shelf as a reference.

Good parenting book to help us all make the most of the short time we have with our kiddos under our roofs. (Only 940 Saturdays from birth to the departure from college!)

[Kelli · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is primarily written for working parents. Although I'm a stay-at-home mom, I still got a lot of good ideas. He emphasizes the importance of really being with your kids mentally as well as physically so when they leave for college, you won't have regrets.
The first part of the book is principles and the second half is ideas of how to apply those principles.
A principle from the first half was knowing how to hit your kids' brain buttons. Most of the time you're trying to tell your kids something important, they don't seem to be listening. The author suggests having fun (e.g., teaching your kids how to cross the street while walking to the ice cream store), moseying (when kids don't feel like you're rushing, they're more apt to listen). He also talks about the difference between quality time and quantity time, double-dipping (doing something you really enjoy with your kids), sharing hobbies, what your kids need from you, importance of traditions, teaching kids your values with church, how to stay sane, etc.
Some ideas from the second half that I liked were: pajama walks right before bedtime; ice cream sundaes on Sunday; having a taco night (or whatever your kids like) and then reminding your kids that morning it's taco night so they look forward to it; inviting your kids to your office to get homework done; traveling "unplugged"; walking when you can instead of driving. He also talked about how to prep your kids for college, importance of volunteering in your kids' classes so you know better what's going on, importance of eating together, etc.
Mostly this book reminded me of how important this time with my kids is and that it really will go fast; I want to look back on their childhoods and feel like I was intimately involved.

[Laurie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don't have kids nor am I expecting a child, but I received this book for free and decided to read it because I had nothing else to read. The book isn't about a specific parenting technique. It just offers tips on how to make the most of your time with your children before they grow up and leave home. The book is written in chapters, but each chapter is maybe a page or two long. So it's the type of book that you can pick up whenever and read for a bit, then put down and get back to it whenever you have another moment. It's also kind of divided up into age groups, so you can read the parts for things to do with younger kids and then when your child gets into high school, you can read the parts about teaching them how to drive, etc. I did like a lot of the ideas Robert Harley suggests doing and perhaps someday I'll be able to do them with my own child. One thing, he talks about texting a lot but I have to wonder if he really knows anything about it. Some of his texting examples seemed very old fogey to me, and, though I don't text, I'm pretty sure no teenager texts the way Harley does. I wouldn't use any of his texting examples or you might severely confuse and/or embarrass your child. :)

[Becky · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read the first half and just skimmed the second half since it wasn't age appropriate for my boys. Thankfully, this book didn't make me feel guilty. Always a plus. I liked the reminder that even though we can be with our kids all the time, that doesn't necessarily mean we're really getting quality time together. I really focused on "being in the moment" today and felt the difference. I was happier and more fun, thereby making Brady happier and more fun. When I played with Austin on the floor, I made sure I was LOOKING at Austin, and not the dust on the table or the toys that needed to be picked up.

I need to read this a couple times a year to refocus.

This really addresses my greatest fear: the passage of time. I must make the most of the time I have with my children before they leave home! Ugh...I can't even think about it. Boo.