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Retroactive Jealousy, Making Sense of It: How to stop obsessing about your partner’s past
Retroactive jealousy is an obsessional problem. It refers to someone who has become fixated upon thoughts about their partner and their past. Unchecked, it can destroy relationships. But there are alternatives, there is hope, and that’s what this book is about.
The key to unlocking the problem and being able to enjoy your relationships is to find a way to look beyond your jealousy and at the roots of the obsessional worries that lie behind it.
Retroactive jealousy obsessional compulsive disorder (RJ/OCD) feeds on the idea that your current partner has had better, more intimate, and more satisfying relationships with their previous partners than they are having with you. And that they might still be thinking about their previous partners.
Once the idea has taken hold, it can’t easily be shaken off. Instead, it gets stronger and stronger. The need to know everything about your partner and their previous partners increases. Who they slept with? What was it like? You feel a need to know everything, however damaging and unsettling it is to your own peace of mind.
The obsessional idea promises that if you find the answer to your questions, then that will be the end of it, but it isn’t. In fact, the more you ask and the more you find out, the more your questions multiply.
RJ/OCD is like an itch that can’t be scratched. Present relationships are soured as you look inward, away from the present and into the past.
It is a problem that occurs within relationships, and however well-meaning our attempts might be, it is difficult for partners to try to solve the problem together. All too often, our attempts to discuss the issues only create further arguments. I have tried to make this book useful and relevant for both sufferers and the partners of sufferers.
Instead of being able to appreciate their love relationships and plan for the future, people in the grip of RJ/OCD are haunted by doubts. They go down a rabbit hole of endless questions. It becomes impossible for them to see the good possibilities that might be in front of them now. All they can think about is their partner’s past.
While a certain level of possessiveness might be ordinary and even a healthy part of developing attachments, RJ/OCD goes beyond this and is destructive. And if someone has been caught up in it once, it is likely that it will happen again.
In recent years I have had more enquiries about RJ/OCD than any other subject. Sometimes this is from people who are in the grip of it themselves, and sometimes from people whose partners are in the grip of this obsession. People come from all over the world to my website, www.tobyingham.com, to ask about it. There are lots of reasons, all of them individual, as to why RJ/OCD comes to dominate so many people’s thinking.
This is a book that explores how to understand RJ/OCD and how to look at it differently, how to stop obsessing about your partner’s past and look at yourself instead.
In time this can become a virtuous cycle, the opposite of a vicious obsessional cycle. The more we can pursue healthy patterns of living, the less we are compelled to make bad decisions and repeat bad choices, and the less we are dominated by the worries of RJ/OCD.
A lot of writing and information on RJ/OCD guides readers towards a way of managing the problem through a mixture of cognitive strategies and meditation. Mindfulness is often suggested as part of a tool kit that readers can use to help them break their obsessional thinking and develop better emotional stability.
I am suggesting a different solution.
The key to unlocking the problem and being able to enjoy your relationships is to find a way to look beyond your jealousy and at the roots of the obsessional worries that lie behind it.
Retroactive jealousy obsessional compulsive disorder (RJ/OCD) feeds on the idea that your current partner has had better, more intimate, and more satisfying relationships with their previous partners than they are having with you. And that they might still be thinking about their previous partners.
Once the idea has taken hold, it can’t easily be shaken off. Instead, it gets stronger and stronger. The need to know everything about your partner and their previous partners increases. Who they slept with? What was it like? You feel a need to know everything, however damaging and unsettling it is to your own peace of mind.
The obsessional idea promises that if you find the answer to your questions, then that will be the end of it, but it isn’t. In fact, the more you ask and the more you find out, the more your questions multiply.
RJ/OCD is like an itch that can’t be scratched. Present relationships are soured as you look inward, away from the present and into the past.
It is a problem that occurs within relationships, and however well-meaning our attempts might be, it is difficult for partners to try to solve the problem together. All too often, our attempts to discuss the issues only create further arguments. I have tried to make this book useful and relevant for both sufferers and the partners of sufferers.
Instead of being able to appreciate their love relationships and plan for the future, people in the grip of RJ/OCD are haunted by doubts. They go down a rabbit hole of endless questions. It becomes impossible for them to see the good possibilities that might be in front of them now. All they can think about is their partner’s past.
While a certain level of possessiveness might be ordinary and even a healthy part of developing attachments, RJ/OCD goes beyond this and is destructive. And if someone has been caught up in it once, it is likely that it will happen again.
In recent years I have had more enquiries about RJ/OCD than any other subject. Sometimes this is from people who are in the grip of it themselves, and sometimes from people whose partners are in the grip of this obsession. People come from all over the world to my website, www.tobyingham.com, to ask about it. There are lots of reasons, all of them individual, as to why RJ/OCD comes to dominate so many people’s thinking.
This is a book that explores how to understand RJ/OCD and how to look at it differently, how to stop obsessing about your partner’s past and look at yourself instead.
In time this can become a virtuous cycle, the opposite of a vicious obsessional cycle. The more we can pursue healthy patterns of living, the less we are compelled to make bad decisions and repeat bad choices, and the less we are dominated by the worries of RJ/OCD.
A lot of writing and information on RJ/OCD guides readers towards a way of managing the problem through a mixture of cognitive strategies and meditation. Mindfulness is often suggested as part of a tool kit that readers can use to help them break their obsessional thinking and develop better emotional stability.
I am suggesting a different solution.
93 pages, Kindle Edition
Published March 16, 2023
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Displaying 1 - 3 of 3 reviews
January 25, 2026
Meh. I appreciate the sentiment. But this is just a (very) superficial assortment of random thoughts and affirmations, most of which are based on 1.) you have a trauma and 2.) get some therapy. That's it. There are much better books on the issue.
September 10, 2023
A decent book. I thought the first half of the book was done well and helpful. The second half of the book can be reduced to “go to (psycho)therapy”. Which isn’t bad advice, but it became kind of redundant after awhile. Not to say there isn’t anything worthwhile in the second half of the book, it delves a lot into the “why” obsessive habits form. Nothing groundbreaking there either, honestly, but it brings stuff you already know or could’ve put together on your own to the forefront.
I found the user/partner stories to be the most helpful part of the book. It was useful to see how the obsessive habits affected both people involved in the relationship.
Overall, the book is short enough and helpful enough that it’s worth a read.
I found the user/partner stories to be the most helpful part of the book. It was useful to see how the obsessive habits affected both people involved in the relationship.
Overall, the book is short enough and helpful enough that it’s worth a read.
July 22, 2026
2.5 ⭐️
I liked how this book dove into the deeper reasons behind retroactive jealousy and how difficult it can be; as well as giving us real-world stories of people who suffer from retroactive jealousy and their partners. However, I felt like the book was too repetitive and focused too heavily on therapy as a cure-all. Yes, therapy can be very helpful for many people. However, I read this book interested in what Ingham had to say regarding changing your viewpoint on your partner’s past. Regardless, it was interesting, especially reading how interconnected childhood trauma and retroactive jealousy are; but I do not know if I would recommend it to someone going through the same issue.
I liked how this book dove into the deeper reasons behind retroactive jealousy and how difficult it can be; as well as giving us real-world stories of people who suffer from retroactive jealousy and their partners. However, I felt like the book was too repetitive and focused too heavily on therapy as a cure-all. Yes, therapy can be very helpful for many people. However, I read this book interested in what Ingham had to say regarding changing your viewpoint on your partner’s past. Regardless, it was interesting, especially reading how interconnected childhood trauma and retroactive jealousy are; but I do not know if I would recommend it to someone going through the same issue.
Displaying 1 - 3 of 3 reviews