Adoption Unfiltered: Revelations from Adoptees, Birth Parents, Adoptive Parents, and Allies

by Sara Easterly, Kelsey Vander Vliet Ranyard, Lori Holden

Reveals the candid thoughts and feelings of those most directly involved in adoptees, adoptive parents, and birth parents. Adoption Unfiltered authors Sara Easterly (adoptee), Kelsey Vander Vliet Ranyard (birth parent), and Lori Holden (adoptive parent) interview dozens of adoptees, birth parents, adoptive parents, social workers, therapists, and other allies—all sharing candidly about the challenges in adoption.

While finding common ground in the sometimes-contentious space of adoption may seem like a lofty goal, it reveals the authors’ optimistic working together with truth and transparency to move toward healing. Healing isn’t possible, though, without first uncovering the hurts—starting with adoption’s central adoptees, who are so often in pain, suffering from what the latest brain science validates as the long-term emotional effects of separation trauma.

By encouraging others to vulnerably share their stories, the authors discover that adoptees aren’t the only ones in the adoption constellation who are hurting. Birth parents regularly shut down after being shut out by adoptive parents. Adoptive parents often struggle with unique parenting challenges and hidden insecurity, feeling the need to hide the fact that they are not the Super Parents they led the agency to believe they would be.

Across the industry as a whole, misinformed and even unethical practices abound. Adoption Unfiltered models the importance of adults in adoption working together in the spirit of curiosity and empathy—to learn and do better for future generations of adoptees and their first and adoptive families.

Genres: Adoption, Nonfiction, Parenting, Adult, Family

330 pages, Hardcover

First published December 1, 2023

About the author

Sara Easterly is an award-winning author of books and essays, including her latest book, Adoption Unfiltered, a collaboration with birth parent Kelsey Vander Vliet Ranyard and adoptive parent Lori Holden (Bloomsbury). Her memoir, Searching for Mom, won a gold medal in the Illumination Book Awards, among several other honors. Her adoption-focused articles, essays, and book reviews have been published by Newsweek, Psychology Today, Severance Magazine, Feminine Collective, Godspace, Her View from Home, and Englewood Review of Books, to name a few.

Sara is founder of Adoptee Voices and previously led one of the largest chapters of the Society of Children’s Book Writers & Illustrators, where she was recognized as SCBWI Member of the Year. She is a Professional Associate and course facilitator with the Neufeld Institute, where she spearheads the Kid-Lit Book Club, and oversees the Neufeld Institute Children’s Book List. Additionally, Sara brings 20+ years of experience as a publicist and event planner orchestrating book tours, launch campaigns, and large-scale events.

For more about Sara, visit saraeasterly.com.

Reviews

[Amber Jimerson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Praise for Adoption Unfiltered, a much-overdue review:

Adoption Unfiltered: Revelations from Adoptees, Birth Parents, Adoptive Parents, and Allies is now my *number one reading recommendation* to anyone impacted by adoption.
(Please, if you are in the church and you could read only one book on adoption, this is the one)

Its most obvious value is in its collaboration between the three roles, something we rarely find and yet desperately need. Adoptive parents are often easily heard and well-known in their spaces, adoptees have worked to create rich adoptee-centric spaces which uplift their unheard stories, and birth parents have contributed in the same way, telling their own stories, and often supporting the work of adoptees. But to combine adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive parents together to discuss openly and honestly about our shared lived experiences, our fears, our struggles, our injustices, our hopes, this is something I believe is so incredibly difficult and so incredibly valuable. We make up these systems together and if there is any hope, it will be in our willingness and capacity to sit together across generations, roles, and perspectives, to share and to listen.

Part One is written by adoptee Sara Easterly and covers common adoptee experiences: heartache, pain, the push and pull of relationships, emotional responses, classism, racism, and religion.

"When adult adoptees finally connect, their feelings and experiences are normalized, after years and years of keeping private worries at bay... having an adult adoptee in my life when I was younger would have gone a long way - especially if the adult adoptee was someone who had a healthy relationship with their grief and a solid understanding of adoption and attachment to help me make sense of the confusing tornado of swirling emotions inside."

My interest in learning more about the complexities of adoption truly began with listening to adoptees, and Sara does a great job of combining personal experience with the experiences of a variety of other adoptees to shine a light on the interior reality of adoptees and the many ways those challenges may manifest, without entertaining stigmatizing labels, and while also providing evidence-based hope for healing.

Part Two is written by birth mother Kelsey Ranyard and delves into the predatory practices of adoption marketing and scarce post-placement support, the role of religion in relinquishment, birth parent grief, shame, and how these serve as obstacles to showing up, power dynamics and openness challenges in adoption relationships, and the unexpected ways in which a birth parent's decision to relinquish goes on to affect generations.

Though I am a birth mother, I've spent so much time in adoptee spaces that Kelsey's section and her ability to word realities I didn't previously have words for, was newly convicting for me. I came away with such a motivation to work towards real change in how we practice adoption in our current "free-market framework...little regulation and virtually nonexistent enforcement."

"Being an outsider is a persistent gut feeling for birth mothers. Nevertheless, we carry a responsibility to stick around through the awkward times. However, sometimes birth mothers don't have a rebuttal for the voices in their heads urging them to run. The remedy for this is not always simple, but a commitment is required by all: transparent and informative pre-adoption education, effective and continuing post-placement support, and an adoptive family that doesn't give up on them. Birth mothers must be told they are not a fleeting particle but, instead, an essential piece of the composition that is this child's opportunity to feel whole."

Part Three is written by adoptive parent Lori Holden, and I was admittedly surprised to realize how beneficial this section was for me. As often as we hear the adoptive parent story, we often hear only certain parts of their stories, told in a way which centers only their perspective, and rarely do we get an intimate and vulnerable look into the full experiences of adoptive parents who are wrestling with honoring the full experiences of adoptees and birth parents as well.

Lori dissects the meaning of true openness, she covers unacknowledged grief, insecurity, parenting through the complexities of adoption, re-examining religious adoption narratives, she explores what it looks like to choose not to adopt, and finally attachment.

"Adoptees report that adoptive parents' ability to make space for birth parents, whether present in an adoptee's life or not, actually strengthens their bond with their adoptive parents rather than weakening it and research bears this out. Much like "splitting the child" in a contentious divorce, we know that "splitting the child" in adoption, or expecting the adoptee to have loyalty to one side over the other, harms the adoptee and weakens a genuine and enduring connection between the adoptive parent and the adoptee...To be able to metabolize insecurity about birth family and culture, and transform it into openness and curiosity, is one of the greatest gifts a parent can give their child."

Each of these three writers, and the many other voices they have included, don't just represent individuals sharing their own story, they represent the voices of individuals who have dedicated incredible time, energy, and work into facing their grief, their losses, taking the perspective of those unlike themselves, of doing the work required to improve the quality of these inherently challenging relationships.

And that brings us to the fourth part of this book: a section on healing and hope. Supporting adoptee maturation, advice for parents and caregivers, words of encouragement, and how adoption must evolve both personally and more broadly going forward.
This is a crucial component that is easy to overlook when digging into the realities of adoption. It is not either/or, but both/and. Adoption is complex, it involves trauma and grief and incredible challenges and ongoing frustrations, it is in need of reform and is susceptible to corruption and exploitation AND there is always hope for healing, for change, for collaboration, for growth.

"Without some measure of intimacy with grief, our capacity to be with any other emotion or experience in our life is greatly compromised." Sad does not mean there's no hope. Grief doesn't mean we're guilty. It's not darkness, even when it seems so. It's simply what's needed to step into the brightest light."

[Samara · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is an excellent summary of all that I have learned in adoption training. It goes into detail on a range of topics linked with adoption and gives voice to all parties in the adoption triad, something many books lack. It doesn’t shy away from difficult topics or concepts, making it a great book to recommend to friends and family who have not had the opportunity to partake in adoption training. While it is coming from the American context, meaning some aspects are not relevant to the Australian context, a vast majority of what is written is as applicable to adoption in Australia as it is in America (but an important caveat to take note of before reading as some American adoption practices are deeply troubling but thankfully not practised here in Australia).

[Cheryl Bostrom · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book's mind- and heart-stretching.

Still, Adoption Unfiltered may not be for you.
If your solidified view on the adoption of human beings lands on either extreme end of the pro- or con-adoption continuum, reading it may challenge your perspective.

BUT . . . If you're open to hearing the experiences of many as they travel this lifelong path, I trust you'll find these accounts eye-opening and compassion-building. And if you're in that often lonely forest yourself, you'll find family on its pages.

The accounts inside are mostly told by those whose adoption stories have been cooking awhile, who have devoted themselves to making sense of them, and who are in various stages of doing so. Though you may not agree with some of these speakers' interpretations of their lives' or cultures' raw data, I'd bet my right leg that you'll come away from the contents wiser and more thoughtful about the deep and complicated personal, collective, and spiritual implications of adoption.

It's a powerful book, with the potential to grow readers’ understanding, wisdom, and mercy. It certainly did mine. Too, despite the frequent failures of people and systems in these narratives, Love's potential and promise for identity, healing, belonging, and peace prevail.

[Julia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Being an adoptee myself, I had mixed feelings about this book. The material and overall message was great. The presentation was a bit lacking. I would have loved to hear more in-depth stories from the interviewees rather than brief summaries and one-sentence quotes. All that being said, I would still recommend this book for anyone wishing to learn a bit more about the topics and conversations surrounding adoption.

[Sydney Koenig · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is so important. It’s a must read for adoption professionals and adoptive parents, and approaches hard conversations with grace and justice. Let’s do better.

[James Sparkman · Rating 5 out of 5]

A candid overview of be adoption system from the perspective of adoptees, birth parents and adoptive parents. There were many moments in the book that made me challenge preconceived notions about adoptees and the various folks in their lives.

[Kendra Broekhuis · Rating 5 out of 5]

I learned a lot while reading this book and am very grateful to the authors for their willingness to come together as an adoptee, birth parent, and adoptive parent to give a fuller picture of the complexities of adoption. I especially appreciated the uncomfortable passages about how adoption has been misconstrued in religious circles, and the damage that has caused so many by minimizing the deep grief involved. This book is a wonderful resource in bringing nuance to this conversation for all those touched by adoption.

[Suzanne Newell · Rating 4 out of 5]

Many helpful insights for those in the adoption constellation. Rare to find a book that gives voice to each in the triad. Especially appreciate the placement of adoptee as lead voice. Honoring the innocent bystander.

[Heather]

This was really hard for me to get through at points, but its stories were vulnerable, enlightening, and important to hear. It is so vital to have these honest and open conversations, and for others to better understand the nuances and struggles of adoption. I definitely learned a lot!

[Judith Cheney Thomsen · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read for any considering or affected by adoption. It is time to recognize the trauma it causes in its current state and make efforts to change.

[Kim · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely required reading for everyone touched by adoption. Insightful and smart, not preachy. Listening to these stories and first person accounts will dramatically improve empathy and understanding which is, I believe, the missing piece. Bravo to Lori, Sara, and Kelsey for doing the hard work and putting something so beautiful and so needed out into the world.

[Erin Black · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book with lots of great insight. This book shows the perspective from the adoptee, birth mother and the adoptive parents. Very informative and great knowledge on how adoption is different for each side and how they can blend together! Highly highly recommend

[Roozbeh Daneshvar · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book has viewpoints from three members of the adoption triad: adoptees, birth mothers, and adoptive parents (with minimal representation from birth/adoptive fathers though). Readers get to hear from different voices and this is one of the book's strengths.

The most striking part for me was the section on birth mothers. I found that part the most humble, the most honest, and the most informative section. Birth parents are the least represented group and that section brings a lot of about birth parents' situation and their long-term grief. We may advocate for birth parents without truly understanding their experience—this section closes that gap. I hope I've learned something from that section and can be fairer in my own interactions. This piece from the book could show some gist about the imbalance:

There is a substantial power imbalance in all adoption arrangements. If everyone in the adoption constellation were to sit at a theoretical family gathering, adoptive parents would be at the adult table. Adoptees would be at the kids’ table, no matter their age. Birth parents would be standing on the porch looking in through the front window with a casserole that’s gone cold.

Three more things from my view:
1. I sensed a sentiment of mild hostility towards adoptive parents throughout the book (as if misplacing frustration at systemic failures onto adoptive parents)
2. I'd say even this book was not adoptee-first: it is my belief and experience at least from foster care that children and their interests do not necessarily come first and there are other parties who are prioritized over the children
3. The authors (especially the first section) quote "Dr. Neufeld" in the text, which is fine and the quotations could add value. Yet, there were 110 mentions of Dr. Neufeld, mostly in the first 102 pages. I found that excessive: maybe at this rate, we should read publications of Dr. Neufeld instead.

I am bringing some pieces from the book. I hope they make sense outside the context and are useful:

Growth happens at the boundary between comfort and discomfort.

As mammals, attachment is our preeminent need and key to our survival. Thus, facing separation— experienced or anticipated—from those to whom we’re attached is our greatest human threat.

later in life, adoptees may feel betrayed by too-quick acceptances of statements they’d shared before they started thinking more critically about adoption.

Child developmental psychologist Dr. Gordon Neufeld explains: “Adoption is one of the earliest and primary disruptions in the continuity of connection which can last throughout life. It doesn’t end right after adoption. That facing of separation is developmental and it will be there until the day you die.”

Relationships with our adoptive mothers can feel especially fraught since we’ve already learned mothers leave. This can extend to relationships with other females, or generally to any relationships where closeness could lead to future abandonment. Outside our awareness, we might back out of these relationships—or feel an overwhelming desire to run away from them.

We simply cannot escape the emotion of alarm. This is true for adoptees and nonadoptees alike. But alarm can be exacerbated by our experiences of relinquishment and adoption. Adoption and foster care are not possible without separation from our first attachments (even in open adoptions) and so our alarm system, already working to keep separation from taking us down, can end up staying in the “on” position to ensure we’re never caught off guard again.

While it may be a challenge for others to see, sometimes attacks on our loved ones reflect a certain amount of safety in the relationship.

Mixed emotions come with age and maturity. Developmentally, young children don’t have the capacity for both/and feeling until ages five to seven—and often longer for the especially sensitive (and I would argue that ALL adoptees are sensitive due to the early trauma we have experienced). Some adults, for that matter, have trouble holding onto two conflicting emotions at once.

adoptees are four times more likely to attempt suicide than nonadoptees.

When we speak of adoptees and suicide, Katie reminds us that “in adoption, we usually talk about abandonment. But really, it’s a survival story.”

Race is a social construct, rather than a biological one. Perhaps this is why many people are tempted to say things like, “Race doesn’t matter,” or, “I don’t see color.”

There’s inherent judgment in the rescue narrative that doesn’t honor birth parents, birth cultures, and in turn, adoptees.

While much religious messaging revolves around giving thanks and seeing the blessings in one’s life, when applied so vocally to adopted children, it can reinforce a core belief that adoptees are merely tools to meet our adoptive parents’ wishes and needs.

For adoptees growing up in religious homes, they need spaces where they are not silenced, used, and spiritually bypassed. They need space for their losses within their families and faith communities to better support their mental and spiritual health.

While not every adoption begins with corruption, our westernized, religious view has excused human-rights abuses in order to promote a message of saviorism around adoption.

Looking at the ills of adoption requires rethinking long-held beliefs. This will be difficult, especially when it comes to a long perception of adoption as nothing less than holy.

Birth parents often wonder, If I hadn’t given them my baby, would the adoptive parents still care about me as a person?

Adoption in the United States is unique in that states lack the oversight, and apparently the spine, to prevent unlicensed individuals and entities from opportunistically meddling in the adoption field (and let’s be clear; if an unlicensed entity is preying on expectant moms, you can bet it is also preying on people eager to adopt a baby).

Ambiguous loss is one that results from a life event that produces a loss without closure.

Many times, in the loss of a loved one through death, people receive closure one way or another. We don’t host a wake for a person who is still alive, and we certainly don’t host a funeral when a new arrival is being celebrated elsewhere. Mothers who relinquish a child for adoption don’t receive a day of mourning as it is not only unusual but also typically unspoken loss.

Relinquishment is not the norm for mothers, making it an adverse birth and postpartum outcome. Birth mothers may be at higher risk for experiencing Postpartum Depression (PPD), which affects thirteen percent to nineteen percent of childbearing women, with the strongest risk factors being prenatal depression and current abuse.8 It is estimated that 3.17% of women experience PTSD after childbirth, as the highest factor of vulnerability “most strongly associated with birth-related PTSD [being] depression in pregnancy.”

Adoption agencies have historically charged lesser fees for the adoption of Black children than for the adoption of non-Black children.

A question that is often posed in adoption circles is that if an expectant mother is considering adoption mainly due to financial reasons, why can’t the prospective adoptive parents just give her the money they

would have spent on the adoption? While at first this sentiment feels like the missing puzzle piece, it’s more practical and realistic to view the unsolved financial solution as a policy failure rather than the failure of an individual couple to empty their life savings to help someone else support their family.

Striving for equity within the adoption relationships takes great courage. Holding on to power with a tight fist may stem from fear or insecurity, but it is not to be mistaken for strength. Rather, it is a weakness that may cause our children to feel anguish in choosing sides and insecurity in themselves,

Birth moms in open adoptions often say that leaving a visit sometimes feels like being back in the hospital all over again. Not only do they feel the intensity of that memory, but they may also be shocked to be dealing with this at all, as so many believed that having an open adoption would make relinquishment less painful.

A major falsehood that many adoptive parents and birth parents initially believe about open adoption is that post-placement communication is done as a favor for the comfort of the birth mother and her emotions. Holding the belief that open adoption is a courtesy to the birth mother is a fair indicator of a fundamental misunderstanding of openness and, in turn, the ignorance of the magnitude of the role adoption plays in the life of an adoptee. It is reductive to describe open adoption as the basic act of allowing a birth parent to watch their child grow up from afar.

Our relinquishment, from a legal perspective, terminates our parental rights and responsibilities, giving us a false sense of security as though we don’t have a duty to our children. On the contrary, we hold crucial duties to help them discover their origin stories and biological information.

Our roles and responsibilities as birth parents never vanished with our signature upon consent forms.

Many birth mothers in closed adoptions count down the days until their child turns eighteen, hoping and dreaming that they will finally reach out to them and want to get to know their mother. When there is only empty space in the place of a relationship, there is that much capacity for optimistic fantasy.

Open adoption lessens secrecy and solves a portion of issues rooted in the lack of information that was present in the era of closed adoption, but it does not offer respite from grief; it simply changes the scenery of grief.

Instead of watching their child grow and develop every day as a more involved parent would, birth mothers capture the progression of their child in short instances, producing snapshots of each stage of the child’s life.

Though open adoption is by no means a panacea for the loss that comes with adoption, it has been an important step in centering adoptees’ needs.

Once we unlearn that there can be more than one “real” mom or “real” dad in a child’s life, we start to make a shift. We can recognize and honor that our child has the biology of one set of parents and the biography of another. When we shift from an Either/Or mindset—either they matter or I do—to a BothAnd5 heartset—we signal that all are integral to the adoptee. It’s a crucial step for parents to take for the sake of the adoptee and to set the stage for integration.

When we parent a child through adoption there is no way to erase our child’s suffering. It is simply not possible when adoption occurs because of and through loss. But again, that powerlessness over the cards dealt to our child can fill us with grief and it can be compounded by almost overwhelming guilt and shame, wondering if we had a role in creating pain for our children. Sometimes, in fact, we may have and there’s mourning in this knowledge, too.

Those who are especially sensitive may also feel grief on behalf of our child’s birth parents. If we think about their loss or have the opportunity to see it up close through an open adoption, we can be filled with more grief. Our gains have come at a price for another—even in situations where a parent voluntarily chooses adoption. Witnessing another’s loss is sad as is knowing you get to watch and participate in milestones that another parent is missing out on.

At the root of much dysfunction in adoptive families is often a sense of insecurity that comes from not being the only mom or the only dad. There’s no way around it: adoption includes more than one set of parents and recognizing this can be a painful reality. Sharing isn’t always easy—especially when it comes to sharing a beloved child.

Categorizing people and situations is something we humans do as a means of simplifying a complex and ever-changing world. Categorization isn’t bad, but without checks and balances it can turn polarizing—

When adoptive parents find a way to sense, acknowledge, and address insecurity that stems from not being the only mom or dad, from not giving birth to their child and sharing their DNA, from the existence of another legitimate family, they can begin to heal their wounds and better support the adoptee they love. Insecurity can resolve bit-by-bit as parents become more aware of others’ perspectives, namely adoptees and birth parents—and their own deeper emotions around being parents by adoption. Ultimately, the goal is to see all parents as real, leading the way for adoptees to be able to comfortably feel this way, too.

We all understand the unspoken message that whatever we can’t or won’t talk about must mean there is something awful about it.

Further, the idea that an Either/Or mindset can make way for a BothAnd heartset has yet to become a mainstream idea. Society is still stuck in a closed adoption-era notion that there can be only one legitimate set of parents and the resulting zero-sum game decrees that any legitimacy granted to birth parents comes at the expense of the adoptive parents.

Adoptees report that adoptive parents’ ability to make space for birth parents, whether present in an adoptee’s life or not, actually strengthens their bond with their adoptive parents rather than weakening it and research bears this out.

Insecurity comes not only from within an adoptive parent but also from a culture that says there can be only one “real” set of parents. This is why so many adoptive parents have work to do to remedy their sense of insecurity within themselves and as a cultural narrative.

It’s a paradox of adoptive parenting: if an adoptive parent wants their child’s heart, they need to be willing to share it with whomever else the adoptee needs to invite in.

To be able to metabolize insecurity about birth family and culture, and transform it into openness and curiosity, is one of the greatest gifts a parent can give their child.

Boundaries get a bad rap. We often think of boundaries as creating separation. But in truth, and in the words of Prentis Hemphill, “boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”

It takes a high degree of emotional intelligence to monitor and manage the emotions that ebb and flow in one’s self, one’s child, and the adoptee’s birth parents over time. Contrary to what some initially believe, open adoption does not mean a relationship without boundaries. Instead, healthy open adoptions—like all healthy relationships—require an ability to set boundaries of the Goldilocks sort: not too little and not too much. When we mess up on boundaries, which we inevitably will, we count the learning experience and do our best over and over.

As Joanna stated so well in our podcast interview, “If your narrative has you as the hero and the child as being saved, your community will see you as a gift to your child, and your child will always carry the burden of being ‘saved.’ ”

Domestic infant adoption is a multi-billion-dollar industry.2 Every year, at least a million3 prospective parents pay a licensed agency, a private attorney, and/or an unlicensed “facilitator” or “consultant” more than a billion dollars4 in hopes of finding and adopting a baby.

Research from sociologist Dr. Gretchen Sisson shows that “birth mothers were most often choosing between adoption and parenting, not adoption and abortion,”8 and that ninety-one percent of those seeking abortion and denied one will parent instead of relinquish.

Pronatalism, perhaps the very first -ism that arose in humans, is the deeply ingrained belief that parenting is prized over nonparenting, and the consequence that those who parent are elevated in countless ways over those who don’t.

many come to adoption through heartbreaking loss, which requires grieving so that we don’t unconsciously expect an adoptee to resolve our heartache.

Parents who are less familiar and facile with the dance of attachment can end up believing that the child is solely responsible for a negative impact on the whole family system, and then the child is at risk of being scapegoated.

It’s not up to our children to attach to us; it’s up to us to help make it safe for them to attach to us.

The emotional responses to separation offer insight into how to dig deeper and respond accordingly. Alarm and defensive detachment need an answer: an increase in connection and a reduction in separation to make it safer to depend.

As Dr. Pavao says, “It’s very popular to diagnose children with reactive attachment disorder. I’m opposed to that. You cannot have attachment anything without another. The child doesn’t have attachment disorder. The child and whoever have attachment disorder.”

Judgment breeds shame, while empathy breeds connection.

Providing a separate attorney for birth parents is simply the right thing to do

Grace, understanding, and empathy support a healthy long-term relationship better than legal action, which has potential to ultimately hurt the adoptee more than anyone.

[Aaron Walker · Rating 3 out of 5]

I’m honestly disappointed. This book is based on mostly negatives views of adoption and wants to lump all adoptees together in experiencing trauma. It brings a negative light to adoption and makes many assumptions. It gave valuable insight into many areas and I appreciated the perspectives. But the value was overshadowed by the negative undertone of adoption not taking into account many positive adoption experiences. It calls for reform which is needed in some areas I agree, but you can’t just yell “reform” without an in depth solution. It doesn’t list why adoption is so expensive, just that it is. Usually people who have negative experiences are the ones who are the loudest and I sensed that in this book.

[Linda Sexton · Rating 5 out of 5]

Get ready to be challenged! No matter how much you think you already know about adoption and members of the adoption constellation, get ready to take this journey. It is obvious that Sara, Kelsey and Lori have thought deeply about their words and have researched thoroughly the concepts they present. The book sometimes reads as an academic work, but masterfully weaves in stories and quotes from multiple members of the adoption triad. It you want to grow your understanding of the challenges that members of the adoption triad face - read this book. You will be rewarded with the last part on Healing and Hope. Read to the end!

[Erin Uy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not an easy read. Not Hallmark. But full of very relevant ideas, topics and opinions that need to be heard and in the discussion when talking about adoption. Let’s go for both/and for our adoptees.

[Joely Gutjahr · Rating 4 out of 5]

Definitely a thought- and prayer-provoking book! I appreciated hearing perspectives from adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive parents!
It felt a bit repetitive at times but was overall helpful!

[Erin Matson · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is an interesting landscape scan on what it’s like to be an adoptee, adoptive parent, and/or birth parent.

[Ally · Rating 4 out of 5]

A must read for those considering or trying to understand adoption.

[Joanie Wells-alminiana · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly recommend to adoptive parents & prospective adoptive parents.

[Matthew Dimick · Rating 4 out of 5]

Overall, I appreciate this book and what it brings to the discourse about adoption and the different experiences of those within the constellation of adoption. The book attempts to unify three perspectives and offer something for everyone that is a broad overview, assessable, and nuanced. I particularly appreciated how it discussed the way religious perspectives shape experiences, the struggles with openness, the harm done by systems, and the encouragement for personal exploration/growth. I have some critical feedback, but the book is a four because it does what none of the other books have been able to do and is the most modern perspective offered!

There are two limitations of this book worth exploring. The first is the dependency on “the primal wound.” I believe this is a helpful metaphor or framing for many adoptees, but I think the authors are far too quick to identify it as an overarching, unified trauma for all adoptees (and if you DON’T think so, then the “fog hasn’t lifted.”) The research just doesn’t support this perspective on human development/attachment theory.

Second, the book is a product of a very specific generation of adoption. The book is pretty clear that most of the adoptees represented come from the Baby Scoop Era. They are a generation (or two) removed from modern adoptees and practices. I think it is important their stories be told while also making space for the new narratives from younger generations representing pretty seismic shifts in the adoption discourse.

I did think some aspects of the book were a little contradictory: the section about how Google algorithms work and blaming that on agencies trying to be seen rather than the fact that Google is an ad revenue generation system seems funny to me. “We don’t like all the adoption grifters out there advertising themselves but also legitimate licenses agencies shouldn’t spend money competing with those voices.”

I like that the book WANTS to make adoption a more equitable system. Costs are obscene and balloon wildly. But in the same breathe the book promotes an expectation that adoptive parents should spent more of a litany of services, more therapy should be available, more training for everyone, more licensing and more lawyers.

Last, the book does well identifying harmful phrases and expressions—but then cavalierly mentions, “in a perfect world, there wouldn’t be adoption.” I believe this is based on an idea that true global equality would eliminate the need for adoptions. However, I feel this is akin to “in a perfect world there wouldn’t be abortion” or “in a perfect world there wouldn’t be fat people” or “people with disabilities.” It’s something that SOUNDS informed but is really just ignorant. It says, “in the world I envision, your family would be erased.” I hope that a more critical eye is turned on this expression as it has come up in more of the literature on adoption.

I would encourage those interested in adoption to pick this up and be challenged by it! I plan on reading through it again with my book club!

[Ana · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m speechless.

This book is a game changer.

This is how the narrative of adoption is going to change.

As an adoptee, it is absolutely humbling, affirming and encouraging to hear the voices of the most important people in the Adoption Constellation.

Who would have thought an adoptee, a birth/first mom and an adoptive mother could speak so much truth to adoption:

It’s trauma.
It’s lifelong impact.
It’s “both and”.
It’s stories.
It’s secrecy.
It’s rawness.
It’s power and pain.
It’s complicated layers…..but this book has done it.

[Claire · Rating 5 out of 5]

Adoption Unfiltered is a necessary resource in the adoption community. To hear from all three sides of the adoption triad in one book is groundbreaking and ensures that those reading this can find representation.

The book did a great job of covering all the major issues prevalent in the current adoption industry and provided ample sources and citations for all their claims. I would highly recommend this book to anyone that is beginning their adoption journey, or if you have been in this community for awhile and want a good resource to look back on (which is what I plan to use it for once I annotate it).

Overall the book is well written and incredibly insightful and includes collaborations from a diverse set of constellation members. As an adoptee myself I resonated deeply with Sara and Kelsey’s sections. I believe it took a lot of emotional energy and effort to write their experiences with such transparency and I am thankful for both of their voices.

[Leah Wilson · Rating 5 out of 5]

As an adoptive parent, I truly appreciated this book--the authors shared their experiences from a vulnerable perspective, and provided valuable insights. Would truly recommend to anyone in the adoption sphere!

[Leslie Murray · Rating 5 out of 5]

So much here to think about. I’m grateful for the raw, honest look at adoption, adoptee experiences and the ways the system is broken.

[Teresa M. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Required reading for adoptive parents!

[Kate · Rating 4 out of 5]

Reading this book as a transracial adoptee brought up perspectives I thought of but never knew the nuances of, along with new ways of approaching adoption and its complexities. I like that it's divided evenly between perspectives: adoptees, birth parents (namely birth mothers), and adoptive parents (again, mostly adoptive mothers). A lot of things hit home. I got uncomfortable sometimes, but that's good; it's a necessary part of learning more and gaining perspective.

I read the majority of this alongside my therapist who isn't adoption-conscious but is so open and willing to learn, so to discuss this book with her has been a great opportunity that I wish I had about a decade ago. We learned from one another and I appreciate her so much for giving me space to talk about it and delve further into the application of this books' ideas to my own personal chaos.

Sometimes I felt it was vague and there could be more: more sources, more science, more numbers, because I guess I'm an adoptee that seeks validation in all manner of ways. But it's a great starting point for those willing to learn more about adoptees, adoptive parents, and biological parents. There was a lot of stuff I knew about already, having begun my own "journey" into my adoption and sense of self, and a lot I didn't know, so I'm glad to have read this book.

Sometimes it did feel a bit heavy on the religious aspect of identity and resources, as if readers are assumed to be religious (I'm not) or to hold belief in a God (I don't), but the authors mean well by it.

Plenty of, Aha! moments. I felt called out every time music or creative outlets (especially writing) were mentioned as tools for adoptees to utilize.

I'm not good at taking notes on books, but I would say that although I wholly support the idea of supporting the adoption triad and surrounding adoptees with resources and reassurance (and I may be an outlier here), I may also encourage giving us some space to breathe. Isolation ain't it, but I always desired time on my own growing up, and today, I feel like I have to fight to carve out some space and time for myself.

(Then again, that may just be the only child in me talking...)

It's an easy read and a great resource---one of many, and growing---for anyone seeking more information on adoptees and the people that love us.

[Beth Syverson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don't know of any other books on the market that are authored by all 3 primary voices in the adoption constellation - adoptee, birth mom, and adoptive mom. This is a groundbreaking achievement!

And not only do Sara, Kelsey, and Lori bring us their own takes on adoption's shades of gray, but they bring in many other voices: 27 adoptees, 18 birth parents, and 9 adoptive parents. Wow! What a feat!

Some of the truths in this book might make us squirm (especially other adoptive parents like me), but it's important for us all to look adoption squarely in the face, so we can all be better advocates for those who are adopted.

I love the new Adoption Constellation diagram that was created for the book (by Sara, I believe). It's a great way to visualize all the people who are touched by adoption and their place in the constellation. (I love how the Adoptee is centered and given the biggest space.)

The last chapter is called What Now? How Adoption Must Evolve. Instead of leaving us hopeless and in despair about all the things wrong with adoption, the authors send us off practical action steps that we can all take.

I'm so impressed with all the work and collaboration that went into this book. Bravo to Lori, Sara, and Kelsey and all the contributors. I have no doubt that this book will be the one people think of when they want to help someone understand adoption's complexities better.

[Jennifer A · Rating 5 out of 5]

Finally, a book that centers adoptee voices, and does so in tandem with birth parent and adoptive parent voices through shared narrative. This inclusive framework normalizes the adoption experience, offering insights that are raw, deeply resonant and humbling. "Adoption Unfiltered" doesn't shy away from tough topics, addressing stereotypes, power differentials, cultural assumptions and issues related to adoption that are often overlooked or misunderstood. As a mental health professional and adoptive parent, I was challenged to reflect on my own discomfort as I journeyed through the differing perspectives.

Extremely well-researched and cited, "Adoption Unfiltered" also includes excerpts from interviews with 50 adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive parents, which I thought provided authenticity and depth of perspective.

Easterly, Ranyard and Holden have created a compassionate and insightful masterpiece that not only educates but also inspires with a clear call to action for systems change. For adoption professionals and for anyone within the adoption constellation, I recommend this book as an essential read.

[Mohamed Elgazar · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think this book is a great book to get an over arching view and an understanding to the many sides that adoption has. It won't replace hearing about the first hand experience of adoptees or those who are affected by adoption that you meet, but it can help you empathize in new ways by filling in the gaps of your missing knowledge.

Still it won't replace the lived experiences of those who have gone through adoption, always listen to peoples experience first! This is a great supplementary source for those of us who have not been directly impacted by it and did not know too much about it to gain an understanding of the many parties involved with adoption: Adoptees, Birth Parents, and Adoptive Parents.

TLDR: It gives a nice over arching lens of many different topics as well as dives deep into some personal experiences of those impacted by adoption making sure to strike a balance between the science, making room for peoples experiences/highlighting it, and honoring the weight of it all.

Listen to Adoptee's Voices!