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Adoption Unfiltered: Revelations from Adoptees, Birth Parents, Adoptive Parents, and Allies
Reveals the candid thoughts and feelings of those most directly involved in adoptees, adoptive parents, and birth parents. Adoption Unfiltered authors Sara Easterly (adoptee), Kelsey Vander Vliet Ranyard (birth parent), and Lori Holden (adoptive parent) interview dozens of adoptees, birth parents, adoptive parents, social workers, therapists, and other allies—all sharing candidly about the challenges in adoption.
While finding common ground in the sometimes-contentious space of adoption may seem like a lofty goal, it reveals the authors’ optimistic working together with truth and transparency to move toward healing. Healing isn’t possible, though, without first uncovering the hurts—starting with adoption’s central adoptees, who are so often in pain, suffering from what the latest brain science validates as the long-term emotional effects of separation trauma.
By encouraging others to vulnerably share their stories, the authors discover that adoptees aren’t the only ones in the adoption constellation who are hurting. Birth parents regularly shut down after being shut out by adoptive parents. Adoptive parents often struggle with unique parenting challenges and hidden insecurity, feeling the need to hide the fact that they are not the Super Parents they led the agency to believe they would be.
Across the industry as a whole, misinformed and even unethical practices abound. Adoption Unfiltered models the importance of adults in adoption working together in the spirit of curiosity and empathy—to learn and do better for future generations of adoptees and their first and adoptive families.
While finding common ground in the sometimes-contentious space of adoption may seem like a lofty goal, it reveals the authors’ optimistic working together with truth and transparency to move toward healing. Healing isn’t possible, though, without first uncovering the hurts—starting with adoption’s central adoptees, who are so often in pain, suffering from what the latest brain science validates as the long-term emotional effects of separation trauma.
By encouraging others to vulnerably share their stories, the authors discover that adoptees aren’t the only ones in the adoption constellation who are hurting. Birth parents regularly shut down after being shut out by adoptive parents. Adoptive parents often struggle with unique parenting challenges and hidden insecurity, feeling the need to hide the fact that they are not the Super Parents they led the agency to believe they would be.
Across the industry as a whole, misinformed and even unethical practices abound. Adoption Unfiltered models the importance of adults in adoption working together in the spirit of curiosity and empathy—to learn and do better for future generations of adoptees and their first and adoptive families.
330 pages, Hardcover
First published December 1, 2023
41 people are currently reading
428 people want to read
About the author
Sara Easterly
9 books24 followersSara Easterly is an award-winning author of books and essays, including her latest book, Adoption Unfiltered, a collaboration with birth parent Kelsey Vander Vliet Ranyard and adoptive parent Lori Holden (Bloomsbury). Her memoir, Searching for Mom, won a gold medal in the Illumination Book Awards, among several other honors. Her adoption-focused articles, essays, and book reviews have been published by Newsweek, Psychology Today, Severance Magazine, Feminine Collective, Godspace, Her View from Home, and Englewood Review of Books, to name a few.
Sara is founder of Adoptee Voices and previously led one of the largest chapters of the Society of Children’s Book Writers & Illustrators, where she was recognized as SCBWI Member of the Year. She is a Professional Associate and course facilitator with the Neufeld Institute, where she spearheads the Kid-Lit Book Club, and oversees the Neufeld Institute Children’s Book List. Additionally, Sara brings 20+ years of experience as a publicist and event planner orchestrating book tours, launch campaigns, and large-scale events.
For more about Sara, visit saraeasterly.com.
Sara is founder of Adoptee Voices and previously led one of the largest chapters of the Society of Children’s Book Writers & Illustrators, where she was recognized as SCBWI Member of the Year. She is a Professional Associate and course facilitator with the Neufeld Institute, where she spearheads the Kid-Lit Book Club, and oversees the Neufeld Institute Children’s Book List. Additionally, Sara brings 20+ years of experience as a publicist and event planner orchestrating book tours, launch campaigns, and large-scale events.
For more about Sara, visit saraeasterly.com.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 44 reviews
March 19, 2024
Praise for Adoption Unfiltered, a much-overdue review:
Adoption Unfiltered: Revelations from Adoptees, Birth Parents, Adoptive Parents, and Allies is now my *number one reading recommendation* to anyone impacted by adoption.
(Please, if you are in the church and you could read only one book on adoption, this is the one)
Its most obvious value is in its collaboration between the three roles, something we rarely find and yet desperately need. Adoptive parents are often easily heard and well-known in their spaces, adoptees have worked to create rich adoptee-centric spaces which uplift their unheard stories, and birth parents have contributed in the same way, telling their own stories, and often supporting the work of adoptees. But to combine adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive parents together to discuss openly and honestly about our shared lived experiences, our fears, our struggles, our injustices, our hopes, this is something I believe is so incredibly difficult and so incredibly valuable. We make up these systems together and if there is any hope, it will be in our willingness and capacity to sit together across generations, roles, and perspectives, to share and to listen.
Part One is written by adoptee Sara Easterly and covers common adoptee experiences: heartache, pain, the push and pull of relationships, emotional responses, classism, racism, and religion.
"When adult adoptees finally connect, their feelings and experiences are normalized, after years and years of keeping private worries at bay... having an adult adoptee in my life when I was younger would have gone a long way - especially if the adult adoptee was someone who had a healthy relationship with their grief and a solid understanding of adoption and attachment to help me make sense of the confusing tornado of swirling emotions inside."
My interest in learning more about the complexities of adoption truly began with listening to adoptees, and Sara does a great job of combining personal experience with the experiences of a variety of other adoptees to shine a light on the interior reality of adoptees and the many ways those challenges may manifest, without entertaining stigmatizing labels, and while also providing evidence-based hope for healing.
Part Two is written by birth mother Kelsey Ranyard and delves into the predatory practices of adoption marketing and scarce post-placement support, the role of religion in relinquishment, birth parent grief, shame, and how these serve as obstacles to showing up, power dynamics and openness challenges in adoption relationships, and the unexpected ways in which a birth parent's decision to relinquish goes on to affect generations.
Though I am a birth mother, I've spent so much time in adoptee spaces that Kelsey's section and her ability to word realities I didn't previously have words for, was newly convicting for me. I came away with such a motivation to work towards real change in how we practice adoption in our current "free-market framework...little regulation and virtually nonexistent enforcement."
"Being an outsider is a persistent gut feeling for birth mothers. Nevertheless, we carry a responsibility to stick around through the awkward times. However, sometimes birth mothers don't have a rebuttal for the voices in their heads urging them to run. The remedy for this is not always simple, but a commitment is required by all: transparent and informative pre-adoption education, effective and continuing post-placement support, and an adoptive family that doesn't give up on them. Birth mothers must be told they are not a fleeting particle but, instead, an essential piece of the composition that is this child's opportunity to feel whole."
Part Three is written by adoptive parent Lori Holden, and I was admittedly surprised to realize how beneficial this section was for me. As often as we hear the adoptive parent story, we often hear only certain parts of their stories, told in a way which centers only their perspective, and rarely do we get an intimate and vulnerable look into the full experiences of adoptive parents who are wrestling with honoring the full experiences of adoptees and birth parents as well.
Lori dissects the meaning of true openness, she covers unacknowledged grief, insecurity, parenting through the complexities of adoption, re-examining religious adoption narratives, she explores what it looks like to choose not to adopt, and finally attachment.
"Adoptees report that adoptive parents' ability to make space for birth parents, whether present in an adoptee's life or not, actually strengthens their bond with their adoptive parents rather than weakening it and research bears this out. Much like "splitting the child" in a contentious divorce, we know that "splitting the child" in adoption, or expecting the adoptee to have loyalty to one side over the other, harms the adoptee and weakens a genuine and enduring connection between the adoptive parent and the adoptee...To be able to metabolize insecurity about birth family and culture, and transform it into openness and curiosity, is one of the greatest gifts a parent can give their child."
Each of these three writers, and the many other voices they have included, don't just represent individuals sharing their own story, they represent the voices of individuals who have dedicated incredible time, energy, and work into facing their grief, their losses, taking the perspective of those unlike themselves, of doing the work required to improve the quality of these inherently challenging relationships.
And that brings us to the fourth part of this book: a section on healing and hope. Supporting adoptee maturation, advice for parents and caregivers, words of encouragement, and how adoption must evolve both personally and more broadly going forward.
This is a crucial component that is easy to overlook when digging into the realities of adoption. It is not either/or, but both/and. Adoption is complex, it involves trauma and grief and incredible challenges and ongoing frustrations, it is in need of reform and is susceptible to corruption and exploitation AND there is always hope for healing, for change, for collaboration, for growth.
"Without some measure of intimacy with grief, our capacity to be with any other emotion or experience in our life is greatly compromised." Sad does not mean there's no hope. Grief doesn't mean we're guilty. It's not darkness, even when it seems so. It's simply what's needed to step into the brightest light."
Adoption Unfiltered: Revelations from Adoptees, Birth Parents, Adoptive Parents, and Allies is now my *number one reading recommendation* to anyone impacted by adoption.
(Please, if you are in the church and you could read only one book on adoption, this is the one)
Its most obvious value is in its collaboration between the three roles, something we rarely find and yet desperately need. Adoptive parents are often easily heard and well-known in their spaces, adoptees have worked to create rich adoptee-centric spaces which uplift their unheard stories, and birth parents have contributed in the same way, telling their own stories, and often supporting the work of adoptees. But to combine adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive parents together to discuss openly and honestly about our shared lived experiences, our fears, our struggles, our injustices, our hopes, this is something I believe is so incredibly difficult and so incredibly valuable. We make up these systems together and if there is any hope, it will be in our willingness and capacity to sit together across generations, roles, and perspectives, to share and to listen.
Part One is written by adoptee Sara Easterly and covers common adoptee experiences: heartache, pain, the push and pull of relationships, emotional responses, classism, racism, and religion.
"When adult adoptees finally connect, their feelings and experiences are normalized, after years and years of keeping private worries at bay... having an adult adoptee in my life when I was younger would have gone a long way - especially if the adult adoptee was someone who had a healthy relationship with their grief and a solid understanding of adoption and attachment to help me make sense of the confusing tornado of swirling emotions inside."
My interest in learning more about the complexities of adoption truly began with listening to adoptees, and Sara does a great job of combining personal experience with the experiences of a variety of other adoptees to shine a light on the interior reality of adoptees and the many ways those challenges may manifest, without entertaining stigmatizing labels, and while also providing evidence-based hope for healing.
Part Two is written by birth mother Kelsey Ranyard and delves into the predatory practices of adoption marketing and scarce post-placement support, the role of religion in relinquishment, birth parent grief, shame, and how these serve as obstacles to showing up, power dynamics and openness challenges in adoption relationships, and the unexpected ways in which a birth parent's decision to relinquish goes on to affect generations.
Though I am a birth mother, I've spent so much time in adoptee spaces that Kelsey's section and her ability to word realities I didn't previously have words for, was newly convicting for me. I came away with such a motivation to work towards real change in how we practice adoption in our current "free-market framework...little regulation and virtually nonexistent enforcement."
"Being an outsider is a persistent gut feeling for birth mothers. Nevertheless, we carry a responsibility to stick around through the awkward times. However, sometimes birth mothers don't have a rebuttal for the voices in their heads urging them to run. The remedy for this is not always simple, but a commitment is required by all: transparent and informative pre-adoption education, effective and continuing post-placement support, and an adoptive family that doesn't give up on them. Birth mothers must be told they are not a fleeting particle but, instead, an essential piece of the composition that is this child's opportunity to feel whole."
Part Three is written by adoptive parent Lori Holden, and I was admittedly surprised to realize how beneficial this section was for me. As often as we hear the adoptive parent story, we often hear only certain parts of their stories, told in a way which centers only their perspective, and rarely do we get an intimate and vulnerable look into the full experiences of adoptive parents who are wrestling with honoring the full experiences of adoptees and birth parents as well.
Lori dissects the meaning of true openness, she covers unacknowledged grief, insecurity, parenting through the complexities of adoption, re-examining religious adoption narratives, she explores what it looks like to choose not to adopt, and finally attachment.
"Adoptees report that adoptive parents' ability to make space for birth parents, whether present in an adoptee's life or not, actually strengthens their bond with their adoptive parents rather than weakening it and research bears this out. Much like "splitting the child" in a contentious divorce, we know that "splitting the child" in adoption, or expecting the adoptee to have loyalty to one side over the other, harms the adoptee and weakens a genuine and enduring connection between the adoptive parent and the adoptee...To be able to metabolize insecurity about birth family and culture, and transform it into openness and curiosity, is one of the greatest gifts a parent can give their child."
Each of these three writers, and the many other voices they have included, don't just represent individuals sharing their own story, they represent the voices of individuals who have dedicated incredible time, energy, and work into facing their grief, their losses, taking the perspective of those unlike themselves, of doing the work required to improve the quality of these inherently challenging relationships.
And that brings us to the fourth part of this book: a section on healing and hope. Supporting adoptee maturation, advice for parents and caregivers, words of encouragement, and how adoption must evolve both personally and more broadly going forward.
This is a crucial component that is easy to overlook when digging into the realities of adoption. It is not either/or, but both/and. Adoption is complex, it involves trauma and grief and incredible challenges and ongoing frustrations, it is in need of reform and is susceptible to corruption and exploitation AND there is always hope for healing, for change, for collaboration, for growth.
"Without some measure of intimacy with grief, our capacity to be with any other emotion or experience in our life is greatly compromised." Sad does not mean there's no hope. Grief doesn't mean we're guilty. It's not darkness, even when it seems so. It's simply what's needed to step into the brightest light."
May 17, 2024
This book is an excellent summary of all that I have learned in adoption training. It goes into detail on a range of topics linked with adoption and gives voice to all parties in the adoption triad, something many books lack. It doesn’t shy away from difficult topics or concepts, making it a great book to recommend to friends and family who have not had the opportunity to partake in adoption training. While it is coming from the American context, meaning some aspects are not relevant to the Australian context, a vast majority of what is written is as applicable to adoption in Australia as it is in America (but an important caveat to take note of before reading as some American adoption practices are deeply troubling but thankfully not practised here in Australia).
February 14, 2024
This book's mind- and heart-stretching.
Still, Adoption Unfiltered may not be for you.
If your solidified view on the adoption of human beings lands on either extreme end of the pro- or con-adoption continuum, reading it may challenge your perspective.
BUT . . . If you're open to hearing the experiences of many as they travel this lifelong path, I trust you'll find these accounts eye-opening and compassion-building. And if you're in that often lonely forest yourself, you'll find family on its pages.
The accounts inside are mostly told by those whose adoption stories have been cooking awhile, who have devoted themselves to making sense of them, and who are in various stages of doing so. Though you may not agree with some of these speakers' interpretations of their lives' or cultures' raw data, I'd bet my right leg that you'll come away from the contents wiser and more thoughtful about the deep and complicated personal, collective, and spiritual implications of adoption.
It's a powerful book, with the potential to grow readers’ understanding, wisdom, and mercy. It certainly did mine. Too, despite the frequent failures of people and systems in these narratives, Love's potential and promise for identity, healing, belonging, and peace prevail.
Still, Adoption Unfiltered may not be for you.
If your solidified view on the adoption of human beings lands on either extreme end of the pro- or con-adoption continuum, reading it may challenge your perspective.
BUT . . . If you're open to hearing the experiences of many as they travel this lifelong path, I trust you'll find these accounts eye-opening and compassion-building. And if you're in that often lonely forest yourself, you'll find family on its pages.
The accounts inside are mostly told by those whose adoption stories have been cooking awhile, who have devoted themselves to making sense of them, and who are in various stages of doing so. Though you may not agree with some of these speakers' interpretations of their lives' or cultures' raw data, I'd bet my right leg that you'll come away from the contents wiser and more thoughtful about the deep and complicated personal, collective, and spiritual implications of adoption.
It's a powerful book, with the potential to grow readers’ understanding, wisdom, and mercy. It certainly did mine. Too, despite the frequent failures of people and systems in these narratives, Love's potential and promise for identity, healing, belonging, and peace prevail.
January 13, 2024
Being an adoptee myself, I had mixed feelings about this book. The material and overall message was great. The presentation was a bit lacking. I would have loved to hear more in-depth stories from the interviewees rather than brief summaries and one-sentence quotes. All that being said, I would still recommend this book for anyone wishing to learn a bit more about the topics and conversations surrounding adoption.
January 13, 2024
This book is so important. It’s a must read for adoption professionals and adoptive parents, and approaches hard conversations with grace and justice. Let’s do better.
March 23, 2024
A candid overview of be adoption system from the perspective of adoptees, birth parents and adoptive parents. There were many moments in the book that made me challenge preconceived notions about adoptees and the various folks in their lives.
December 7, 2023
I learned a lot while reading this book and am very grateful to the authors for their willingness to come together as an adoptee, birth parent, and adoptive parent to give a fuller picture of the complexities of adoption. I especially appreciated the uncomfortable passages about how adoption has been misconstrued in religious circles, and the damage that has caused so many by minimizing the deep grief involved. This book is a wonderful resource in bringing nuance to this conversation for all those touched by adoption.
June 16, 2024
Many helpful insights for those in the adoption constellation. Rare to find a book that gives voice to each in the triad. Especially appreciate the placement of adoptee as lead voice. Honoring the innocent bystander.
Read
March 15, 2024This was really hard for me to get through at points, but its stories were vulnerable, enlightening, and important to hear. It is so vital to have these honest and open conversations, and for others to better understand the nuances and struggles of adoption. I definitely learned a lot!
March 16, 2024
A must read for any considering or affected by adoption. It is time to recognize the trauma it causes in its current state and make efforts to change.
August 29, 2024
Absolutely required reading for everyone touched by adoption. Insightful and smart, not preachy. Listening to these stories and first person accounts will dramatically improve empathy and understanding which is, I believe, the missing piece. Bravo to Lori, Sara, and Kelsey for doing the hard work and putting something so beautiful and so needed out into the world.
April 8, 2025
Great book with lots of great insight. This book shows the perspective from the adoptee, birth mother and the adoptive parents. Very informative and great knowledge on how adoption is different for each side and how they can blend together! Highly highly recommend
July 17, 2025
I’m honestly disappointed. This book is based on mostly negatives views of adoption and wants to lump all adoptees together in experiencing trauma. It brings a negative light to adoption and makes many assumptions. It gave valuable insight into many areas and I appreciated the perspectives. But the value was overshadowed by the negative undertone of adoption not taking into account many positive adoption experiences. It calls for reform which is needed in some areas I agree, but you can’t just yell “reform” without an in depth solution. It doesn’t list why adoption is so expensive, just that it is. Usually people who have negative experiences are the ones who are the loudest and I sensed that in this book.
October 26, 2024
Get ready to be challenged! No matter how much you think you already know about adoption and members of the adoption constellation, get ready to take this journey. It is obvious that Sara, Kelsey and Lori have thought deeply about their words and have researched thoroughly the concepts they present. The book sometimes reads as an academic work, but masterfully weaves in stories and quotes from multiple members of the adoption triad. It you want to grow your understanding of the challenges that members of the adoption triad face - read this book. You will be rewarded with the last part on Healing and Hope. Read to the end!
February 3, 2025
Not an easy read. Not Hallmark. But full of very relevant ideas, topics and opinions that need to be heard and in the discussion when talking about adoption. Let’s go for both/and for our adoptees.
February 2, 2026
This is an interesting landscape scan on what it’s like to be an adoptee, adoptive parent, and/or birth parent.
August 30, 2024
A must read for those considering or trying to understand adoption.
March 20, 2025
Highly recommend to adoptive parents & prospective adoptive parents.
June 18, 2024
Overall, I appreciate this book and what it brings to the discourse about adoption and the different experiences of those within the constellation of adoption. The book attempts to unify three perspectives and offer something for everyone that is a broad overview, assessable, and nuanced. I particularly appreciated how it discussed the way religious perspectives shape experiences, the struggles with openness, the harm done by systems, and the encouragement for personal exploration/growth. I have some critical feedback, but the book is a four because it does what none of the other books have been able to do and is the most modern perspective offered!
There are two limitations of this book worth exploring. The first is the dependency on “the primal wound.” I believe this is a helpful metaphor or framing for many adoptees, but I think the authors are far too quick to identify it as an overarching, unified trauma for all adoptees (and if you DON’T think so, then the “fog hasn’t lifted.”) The research just doesn’t support this perspective on human development/attachment theory.
Second, the book is a product of a very specific generation of adoption. The book is pretty clear that most of the adoptees represented come from the Baby Scoop Era. They are a generation (or two) removed from modern adoptees and practices. I think it is important their stories be told while also making space for the new narratives from younger generations representing pretty seismic shifts in the adoption discourse.
I did think some aspects of the book were a little contradictory: the section about how Google algorithms work and blaming that on agencies trying to be seen rather than the fact that Google is an ad revenue generation system seems funny to me. “We don’t like all the adoption grifters out there advertising themselves but also legitimate licenses agencies shouldn’t spend money competing with those voices.”
I like that the book WANTS to make adoption a more equitable system. Costs are obscene and balloon wildly. But in the same breathe the book promotes an expectation that adoptive parents should spent more of a litany of services, more therapy should be available, more training for everyone, more licensing and more lawyers.
Last, the book does well identifying harmful phrases and expressions—but then cavalierly mentions, “in a perfect world, there wouldn’t be adoption.” I believe this is based on an idea that true global equality would eliminate the need for adoptions. However, I feel this is akin to “in a perfect world there wouldn’t be abortion” or “in a perfect world there wouldn’t be fat people” or “people with disabilities.” It’s something that SOUNDS informed but is really just ignorant. It says, “in the world I envision, your family would be erased.” I hope that a more critical eye is turned on this expression as it has come up in more of the literature on adoption.
I would encourage those interested in adoption to pick this up and be challenged by it! I plan on reading through it again with my book club!
There are two limitations of this book worth exploring. The first is the dependency on “the primal wound.” I believe this is a helpful metaphor or framing for many adoptees, but I think the authors are far too quick to identify it as an overarching, unified trauma for all adoptees (and if you DON’T think so, then the “fog hasn’t lifted.”) The research just doesn’t support this perspective on human development/attachment theory.
Second, the book is a product of a very specific generation of adoption. The book is pretty clear that most of the adoptees represented come from the Baby Scoop Era. They are a generation (or two) removed from modern adoptees and practices. I think it is important their stories be told while also making space for the new narratives from younger generations representing pretty seismic shifts in the adoption discourse.
I did think some aspects of the book were a little contradictory: the section about how Google algorithms work and blaming that on agencies trying to be seen rather than the fact that Google is an ad revenue generation system seems funny to me. “We don’t like all the adoption grifters out there advertising themselves but also legitimate licenses agencies shouldn’t spend money competing with those voices.”
I like that the book WANTS to make adoption a more equitable system. Costs are obscene and balloon wildly. But in the same breathe the book promotes an expectation that adoptive parents should spent more of a litany of services, more therapy should be available, more training for everyone, more licensing and more lawyers.
Last, the book does well identifying harmful phrases and expressions—but then cavalierly mentions, “in a perfect world, there wouldn’t be adoption.” I believe this is based on an idea that true global equality would eliminate the need for adoptions. However, I feel this is akin to “in a perfect world there wouldn’t be abortion” or “in a perfect world there wouldn’t be fat people” or “people with disabilities.” It’s something that SOUNDS informed but is really just ignorant. It says, “in the world I envision, your family would be erased.” I hope that a more critical eye is turned on this expression as it has come up in more of the literature on adoption.
I would encourage those interested in adoption to pick this up and be challenged by it! I plan on reading through it again with my book club!
December 31, 2023
I’m speechless.
This book is a game changer.
This is how the narrative of adoption is going to change.
As an adoptee, it is absolutely humbling, affirming and encouraging to hear the voices of the most important people in the Adoption Constellation.
Who would have thought an adoptee, a birth/first mom and an adoptive mother could speak so much truth to adoption:
It’s trauma.
It’s lifelong impact.
It’s “both and”.
It’s stories.
It’s secrecy.
It’s rawness.
It’s power and pain.
It’s complicated layers…..but this book has done it.
This book is a game changer.
This is how the narrative of adoption is going to change.
As an adoptee, it is absolutely humbling, affirming and encouraging to hear the voices of the most important people in the Adoption Constellation.
Who would have thought an adoptee, a birth/first mom and an adoptive mother could speak so much truth to adoption:
It’s trauma.
It’s lifelong impact.
It’s “both and”.
It’s stories.
It’s secrecy.
It’s rawness.
It’s power and pain.
It’s complicated layers…..but this book has done it.
February 20, 2024
Adoption Unfiltered is a necessary resource in the adoption community. To hear from all three sides of the adoption triad in one book is groundbreaking and ensures that those reading this can find representation.
The book did a great job of covering all the major issues prevalent in the current adoption industry and provided ample sources and citations for all their claims. I would highly recommend this book to anyone that is beginning their adoption journey, or if you have been in this community for awhile and want a good resource to look back on (which is what I plan to use it for once I annotate it).
Overall the book is well written and incredibly insightful and includes collaborations from a diverse set of constellation members. As an adoptee myself I resonated deeply with Sara and Kelsey’s sections. I believe it took a lot of emotional energy and effort to write their experiences with such transparency and I am thankful for both of their voices.
The book did a great job of covering all the major issues prevalent in the current adoption industry and provided ample sources and citations for all their claims. I would highly recommend this book to anyone that is beginning their adoption journey, or if you have been in this community for awhile and want a good resource to look back on (which is what I plan to use it for once I annotate it).
Overall the book is well written and incredibly insightful and includes collaborations from a diverse set of constellation members. As an adoptee myself I resonated deeply with Sara and Kelsey’s sections. I believe it took a lot of emotional energy and effort to write their experiences with such transparency and I am thankful for both of their voices.
March 29, 2024
As an adoptive parent, I truly appreciated this book--the authors shared their experiences from a vulnerable perspective, and provided valuable insights. Would truly recommend to anyone in the adoption sphere!
February 12, 2024
So much here to think about. I’m grateful for the raw, honest look at adoption, adoptee experiences and the ways the system is broken.
March 29, 2024
Required reading for adoptive parents!
May 7, 2025
Reading this book as a transracial adoptee brought up perspectives I thought of but never knew the nuances of, along with new ways of approaching adoption and its complexities. I like that it's divided evenly between perspectives: adoptees, birth parents (namely birth mothers), and adoptive parents (again, mostly adoptive mothers). A lot of things hit home. I got uncomfortable sometimes, but that's good; it's a necessary part of learning more and gaining perspective.
I read the majority of this alongside my therapist who isn't adoption-conscious but is so open and willing to learn, so to discuss this book with her has been a great opportunity that I wish I had about a decade ago. We learned from one another and I appreciate her so much for giving me space to talk about it and delve further into the application of this books' ideas to my own personal chaos.
Sometimes I felt it was vague and there could be more: more sources, more science, more numbers, because I guess I'm an adoptee that seeks validation in all manner of ways. But it's a great starting point for those willing to learn more about adoptees, adoptive parents, and biological parents. There was a lot of stuff I knew about already, having begun my own "journey" into my adoption and sense of self, and a lot I didn't know, so I'm glad to have read this book.
Sometimes it did feel a bit heavy on the religious aspect of identity and resources, as if readers are assumed to be religious (I'm not) or to hold belief in a God (I don't), but the authors mean well by it.
Plenty of, Aha! moments. I felt called out every time music or creative outlets (especially writing) were mentioned as tools for adoptees to utilize.
I'm not good at taking notes on books, but I would say that although I wholly support the idea of supporting the adoption triad and surrounding adoptees with resources and reassurance (and I may be an outlier here), I may also encourage giving us some space to breathe. Isolation ain't it, but I always desired time on my own growing up, and today, I feel like I have to fight to carve out some space and time for myself.
(Then again, that may just be the only child in me talking...)
It's an easy read and a great resource---one of many, and growing---for anyone seeking more information on adoptees and the people that love us.
I read the majority of this alongside my therapist who isn't adoption-conscious but is so open and willing to learn, so to discuss this book with her has been a great opportunity that I wish I had about a decade ago. We learned from one another and I appreciate her so much for giving me space to talk about it and delve further into the application of this books' ideas to my own personal chaos.
Sometimes I felt it was vague and there could be more: more sources, more science, more numbers, because I guess I'm an adoptee that seeks validation in all manner of ways. But it's a great starting point for those willing to learn more about adoptees, adoptive parents, and biological parents. There was a lot of stuff I knew about already, having begun my own "journey" into my adoption and sense of self, and a lot I didn't know, so I'm glad to have read this book.
Sometimes it did feel a bit heavy on the religious aspect of identity and resources, as if readers are assumed to be religious (I'm not) or to hold belief in a God (I don't), but the authors mean well by it.
Plenty of, Aha! moments. I felt called out every time music or creative outlets (especially writing) were mentioned as tools for adoptees to utilize.
I'm not good at taking notes on books, but I would say that although I wholly support the idea of supporting the adoption triad and surrounding adoptees with resources and reassurance (and I may be an outlier here), I may also encourage giving us some space to breathe. Isolation ain't it, but I always desired time on my own growing up, and today, I feel like I have to fight to carve out some space and time for myself.
(Then again, that may just be the only child in me talking...)
It's an easy read and a great resource---one of many, and growing---for anyone seeking more information on adoptees and the people that love us.
December 13, 2023
I don't know of any other books on the market that are authored by all 3 primary voices in the adoption constellation - adoptee, birth mom, and adoptive mom. This is a groundbreaking achievement!
And not only do Sara, Kelsey, and Lori bring us their own takes on adoption's shades of gray, but they bring in many other voices: 27 adoptees, 18 birth parents, and 9 adoptive parents. Wow! What a feat!
Some of the truths in this book might make us squirm (especially other adoptive parents like me), but it's important for us all to look adoption squarely in the face, so we can all be better advocates for those who are adopted.
I love the new Adoption Constellation diagram that was created for the book (by Sara, I believe). It's a great way to visualize all the people who are touched by adoption and their place in the constellation. (I love how the Adoptee is centered and given the biggest space.)
The last chapter is called What Now? How Adoption Must Evolve. Instead of leaving us hopeless and in despair about all the things wrong with adoption, the authors send us off practical action steps that we can all take.
I'm so impressed with all the work and collaboration that went into this book. Bravo to Lori, Sara, and Kelsey and all the contributors. I have no doubt that this book will be the one people think of when they want to help someone understand adoption's complexities better.
And not only do Sara, Kelsey, and Lori bring us their own takes on adoption's shades of gray, but they bring in many other voices: 27 adoptees, 18 birth parents, and 9 adoptive parents. Wow! What a feat!
Some of the truths in this book might make us squirm (especially other adoptive parents like me), but it's important for us all to look adoption squarely in the face, so we can all be better advocates for those who are adopted.
I love the new Adoption Constellation diagram that was created for the book (by Sara, I believe). It's a great way to visualize all the people who are touched by adoption and their place in the constellation. (I love how the Adoptee is centered and given the biggest space.)
The last chapter is called What Now? How Adoption Must Evolve. Instead of leaving us hopeless and in despair about all the things wrong with adoption, the authors send us off practical action steps that we can all take.
I'm so impressed with all the work and collaboration that went into this book. Bravo to Lori, Sara, and Kelsey and all the contributors. I have no doubt that this book will be the one people think of when they want to help someone understand adoption's complexities better.
December 28, 2023
Finally, a book that centers adoptee voices, and does so in tandem with birth parent and adoptive parent voices through shared narrative. This inclusive framework normalizes the adoption experience, offering insights that are raw, deeply resonant and humbling. "Adoption Unfiltered" doesn't shy away from tough topics, addressing stereotypes, power differentials, cultural assumptions and issues related to adoption that are often overlooked or misunderstood. As a mental health professional and adoptive parent, I was challenged to reflect on my own discomfort as I journeyed through the differing perspectives.
Extremely well-researched and cited, "Adoption Unfiltered" also includes excerpts from interviews with 50 adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive parents, which I thought provided authenticity and depth of perspective.
Easterly, Ranyard and Holden have created a compassionate and insightful masterpiece that not only educates but also inspires with a clear call to action for systems change. For adoption professionals and for anyone within the adoption constellation, I recommend this book as an essential read.
Extremely well-researched and cited, "Adoption Unfiltered" also includes excerpts from interviews with 50 adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive parents, which I thought provided authenticity and depth of perspective.
Easterly, Ranyard and Holden have created a compassionate and insightful masterpiece that not only educates but also inspires with a clear call to action for systems change. For adoption professionals and for anyone within the adoption constellation, I recommend this book as an essential read.
November 20, 2025
I think this book is a great book to get an over arching view and an understanding to the many sides that adoption has. It won't replace hearing about the first hand experience of adoptees or those who are affected by adoption that you meet, but it can help you empathize in new ways by filling in the gaps of your missing knowledge.
Still it won't replace the lived experiences of those who have gone through adoption, always listen to peoples experience first! This is a great supplementary source for those of us who have not been directly impacted by it and did not know too much about it to gain an understanding of the many parties involved with adoption: Adoptees, Birth Parents, and Adoptive Parents.
TLDR: It gives a nice over arching lens of many different topics as well as dives deep into some personal experiences of those impacted by adoption making sure to strike a balance between the science, making room for peoples experiences/highlighting it, and honoring the weight of it all.
Listen to Adoptee's Voices!
Still it won't replace the lived experiences of those who have gone through adoption, always listen to peoples experience first! This is a great supplementary source for those of us who have not been directly impacted by it and did not know too much about it to gain an understanding of the many parties involved with adoption: Adoptees, Birth Parents, and Adoptive Parents.
TLDR: It gives a nice over arching lens of many different topics as well as dives deep into some personal experiences of those impacted by adoption making sure to strike a balance between the science, making room for peoples experiences/highlighting it, and honoring the weight of it all.
Listen to Adoptee's Voices!
June 16, 2024
*need to read again and journal my thoughts on it
-giving 5 stars because it evoked some strong emotions and gave me some insight into my own life as an adoptee
This touches on how adoption is trauma, yet it does not offer alternatives, and still talks about adoption like it is a good thing. There is a lot in the book that I did not agree with, and saw through the religious saviorism (again, it was addressed, then spoken of like it was a good thing). However, it scratched the surface of attachment and power dynamics and structural violence.
I would recommend this for anyone curious about adoption (adoptees, birth parents, foster parents, people in relationships with adoptees), but keep in mind it was a small group of individuals lived experiences, not a research based book. Use discernment, see what resonates, make meaning, ask the hard questions.
-giving 5 stars because it evoked some strong emotions and gave me some insight into my own life as an adoptee
This touches on how adoption is trauma, yet it does not offer alternatives, and still talks about adoption like it is a good thing. There is a lot in the book that I did not agree with, and saw through the religious saviorism (again, it was addressed, then spoken of like it was a good thing). However, it scratched the surface of attachment and power dynamics and structural violence.
I would recommend this for anyone curious about adoption (adoptees, birth parents, foster parents, people in relationships with adoptees), but keep in mind it was a small group of individuals lived experiences, not a research based book. Use discernment, see what resonates, make meaning, ask the hard questions.
May 31, 2025
This is the first book I’ve read about adoption. It isn’t something I know a lot about, so I wanted to educate myself. I have two friends who are part of the adoption world—one who was adopted, the other faced two forced pregnancies which ended in placement and lots of trauma.
As a clinic escort, I have heard every argument for adoption.
As someone who grew up in a fundamentalist, white, evangelical, heteronormative household, I have conversations about adoption and everything it entails—and this book shows how to do that, starting with people who are these experiences. I am not a parent of humans, only dogs and cats—I never wanted to parent. I will ALWAYS support choices. I hope that we will see policy changes that will transform the spaces of adoption and all pregnancy outcomes, creating something beautiful for all of us. Because what we are living in is not it.
Follow this instagram account for real stories: https://www.instagram.com/adoptiontru...
Older article from Ms. Magazine about adoption and choice: https://msmagazine.com/2023/04/05/ado...
Another Instagram account to follow with heart wrenching stories about these intersections…: https://www.instagram.com/iwasprolife...
As a clinic escort, I have heard every argument for adoption.
As someone who grew up in a fundamentalist, white, evangelical, heteronormative household, I have conversations about adoption and everything it entails—and this book shows how to do that, starting with people who are these experiences. I am not a parent of humans, only dogs and cats—I never wanted to parent. I will ALWAYS support choices. I hope that we will see policy changes that will transform the spaces of adoption and all pregnancy outcomes, creating something beautiful for all of us. Because what we are living in is not it.
Follow this instagram account for real stories: https://www.instagram.com/adoptiontru...
Older article from Ms. Magazine about adoption and choice: https://msmagazine.com/2023/04/05/ado...
Another Instagram account to follow with heart wrenching stories about these intersections…: https://www.instagram.com/iwasprolife...
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