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First published January 1, 1975
Long ago he used to come home from the museum on payday slightly drunk, usually from the Sevan, a bar next door to the museum, or else Fyodorov would take him back to his place, where they would stay up drinking much too late. Then when he came home he would go straight to bed and fall asleep immediately. He invariably woke up in the middle of the night, however, at three or four o’clock, just as she was doing now. He would keep her from sleep by shuffling into the kitchen for a glass of water or some food out of the refrigerator, while she would curse him angrily, half asleep. When he woke her up at those times she hated him: “What a selfish child you are!”
There was no talk – no promises, no vows; she simply entrusted herself to him forever.
Later there were many, countless other nights, in Moscow and in the country, in the summer, in wet weather, in the chill of the fall when the heat was not yet on and the room was warmed by a portable electric heater; they made love almost every night.
Year after year of disappointments gradually wore him down, drained his strength; he began to stoop and to weaken; yet some central core remained untouched, like a thin steel rod that bent but did not break. And that was the root of the trouble: he refused to change his innermost nature. This meant that although he suffered agonies as a result of his many failures, lost faith in himself, frittered away his energies in enthusiasms so absurd they made people think he had taken leave of his senses, although he strained his poor heart with the fury of his despair and self-reproach, he still refused to break that invisible, steely core within himself. And despite it all she loved him, forgave him, and never demanded anything of him.
